2004
I heard you come in at a quarter 'til three,
A night just like any other, the same since the day in 98' that turned her world upside down.
She heard him come in, the sound of keys jingling echoed through the quiet of the house. She knew it was inevitable. The slow drift that happened between high school sweethearts had been a tale they so easily avoided for years, blinded by the blockers of young love and faith.
He was the type of person who could make a room feel warm, even in the coldest winter. But his warmth always seemed to slip through her fingers, like sand. There were moments when she was sure they were in sync, their souls in rhythm. But then, without warning, he'd retreat into himself, his thoughts wandering to places she couldn't follow. His presence would become a shadow, lingering just out of reach.
Their house became a place that held memories of a love that was no longer, just the need to appear perfect for others.
They had fought it, their loyalty much stronger than any force to challenge them. Yet she was the entity that had their neatly constructed walls crashing down.
The sound of his feet dragging across the hardwood floor, carefully placing his movements so as to miss the creaks in the steps. She stills her body as the light peaks through the crack, the sound of the worn hinges signaling his announcement.
You closed the door and laid down next to me,
Feigning sleep was the new normal. The act was more peaceful than staying awake, the constant need to badger him about her scent that lingers on his skin always lurking in her mind.
It's not abnormal. You're bound to have the reminiscent of the work day carry over into your home.
But when your work day becomes hours and days twinged with soft brushes of vanilla and lavender laced in each strand of auburn locks, it scorches the one you vowed to never hurt.
But then I heard you say her name in your sleep,
No shower could stop the warm tangents of her from staining the sheets, imprinting it into the pillow as he moans out her name in his sleep.
One might say she still had the lucky end of the stick, a man still willing to come home when everything else in the world was pulling him away.
That any man in his predicament would've been stepping over the line of sinful acts without a second guess. She knew deep down that was true. That she should be happy he still chose home despite lust and desire dangling so close for him to taste it. That flowers would bloom in the garden surrounding her empty heart at the lengths he goes to show he's not an adulterer and is devoted to his family. But how could she fight off the worry when he's willing to drop everything at the sound of her voice?
Your dirty secret's too far gone to keep
2012
Miles away, 4,278 to be exact, and the weight still bared down by the tons.
Packing and uprooting your life could be the change that saved anyone yet she lay under the curse that attacked only a few. Lingering in the shadows taunting a marriage that hung on by a thread.
Kathy knew it was irrational this time, her mind conjuring up the hypotheticals at every turn. Consuming every waking minute so much that even in the warm atmosphere her heart chilled further.
You can't even look me dead in the eyes,
She's still on her mind consuming her even though Elliot isn't bringing it up as respect. Still taking over her mind making her somewhat push the blame on her for her marriage. It's nagging in the back, becoming her own personal tormentor.
There was sadness in the house almost, even before they made the move to Italy. During the first months of his "retirement", the hurt of leaving the job was not only shown on her husband's face but her kids.
Kathleen taking it the hardest, the thought of not being able to keep the connection to her father's partner hitting her hard. Yes, she was a grown woman at that point but as the parent Kathy put her foot down. Anyway to completely sever that connection between SVU and her family she was willing to take it.
It was another joy she had at the time of him leaving the force. She knew his real reason even if he didn't utter her name anymore.
She knew her second oldest had a close relationship with her husband's partner, that bond was something that pissed her off every year since their first meeting. Olivia just connected with her daughter and understood her on levels she had to pull teeth just to get a glimpse at. It pissed her off that yet another member of her family was drawn into the likeliness of Olivia Benson, well another member who was scared to show it. She knew the kids loved her, the girls being the ones to always look up to her. Even in the beginning years, Eli too was admired by the woman the little boy glowing every time he saw her. And who was she to deny that of him, especially when the woman saved his life, both of theirs? She would be forever grateful for her that day, no matter how pissed she was at the moment. Who could blame her? The woman who your husband was having an almost emotional affair with was happily taking you, heavily pregnant, to your doctor's appointment because your husband was too busy as usual. That same woman then took matters into her own hands and saved your life after a car crashed into the car.
At times an angry part of her just wished Olivia was a bitch in that moment. A bitch that let her bleed out, just so she could watch from the afterlife the hell and guilt it would've held over her. But she still had some heart, she could never wish that upon her son. Despite those thoughts, she still held a little joy at the fact that now her youngest didn't even know the woman he once cried for. His mind was a clean slate now and she could say anything to make him share the same sentiments as her oldest son. The momma's boy who had brought her joy in siding with his mom when it came to her dislike for Olivia, unlike his twin sister.
It's not anything a parent should want. The arguments shared affected their children. At first, she didn't think that was the case, until 2009 when her son asked the age-old question he'd heard her repeat to his father. She couldn't deny the joy when Elliot came home fuming at the way their son accused them of an affair. It felt nice having someone in the household standing on the fence of reality with her even if he was out of line.
It was a fence she stood on by herself during recent years as it was only her and Eli in the house, no older kids to bring up the memory of the woman miles away. The name Olivia never muttered and she wanted to keep it that way.
Her love is strong, she got you hypnotized,
—-
2013
The earth had to be taunting her. A sick game was being played upon her in the eyes of the Lord.
They just had an argument, God knows about what this time. Maybe it was the usual fork left in the sink she knew had slipped his mind, something minor that often set off her fuse.
It hadn't even been ten minutes before the calls came in.
The words left her daughter's mouth sending chills up her spine. One might feel dread and horror but the emotion that hit the shore of her abandoned heart was something more of relief.
Relief in the fact that she can finally have control over her life, the life she was meant to have in her mind.
She could never stir his thoughts away from the woman who stole his heart.
It wasn't an irrational thought, she knew without a doubt he would be on the first plane back if he found out. If he knew his beloved Olivia was in danger and harm's way, captured in the hands of a psychopath.
She followed the story for days, the need of knowing in order to keep him away holding strong. It was the one time in her life she was happy his job kept him busy and away. The more on his plate the less likely for him to know. She ensured this was possible, telling the ones around him a lie to cover her tracks. To anyone looking in, he was aware of the situation. In their minds, she told him of the dangers his former partner was in but grief was too much. "He's under so much turmoil," the words flowed freely, the bitterness of the situation laced between each one, "mentioning the situation within New York will send him off the deep end."
She spread the lie to the kids first, Katie being the one who needed the seed planted the most. The rest of the girls followed suit, worry etched into their words when they asked if she was sure this was what he needed. The devil inside her mind laid down the law, pulling the authority card and damning them to second guess the decision that was made.
After the lie was cemented into the kid's minds, her words being believable enough to the ones who knew the situation the most, she threaded the lie through his new team. Coworkers who had no clue about his deep connection with the woman on the news but were eager to shield him from anything that could cause upset.
That wasn't the end. She took it a step further contacting the people she knew whose relationship was severed by family trauma, his siblings. It wouldn't be the first time she's hidden the calls made to them, rants about her husband's early partnership often made their way to his sister's phone. While the connection between him and his siblings was hardly any longer, she couldn't take the chance of anyone possibly letting him know. She couldn't have anyone breaking her control.
She had a slip in judgment only once, an afternoon after church making her ache at the manipulation game she was playing. But the flashes of his face during his time at SVU came rolling in with force, the devil on her shoulder reminding her of the smile he only held for his partner. She couldn't let him know, not now not ever.
2016
A break was what she needed. A chance to clear her mind, to silence the constant swarming thoughts that had taken root and refused to let go.
New York had always been an odd place for her, a city tangled in bittersweet memories. And yet, the moment she stepped off the plane, inhaling the crisp city air, she felt a strange kind of comfort settle over her. The towering buildings surrounded by the relentless hum of traffic, and the smell of coffee and hot pretzels from street vendors had all felt familiar, grounding even. For a fleeting second, she allowed herself to believe that this trip could offer her peace.
That comfort was halted at the site of the purpose that caused the swarming in her mind.
The grocery store was filled with the usual chatter of shoppers, the rustling of paper bags, and the faint hum of background music. But all of it faded into static the moment her eyes landed on them.
Auburn waves cascaded over a cashmere trench, the fabric draping elegantly over the shoulders of the woman she tried hard to forget. Brown eyes—haunted, familiar, and relentless—searched the aisle, sending a chill through Kathy's body. But it was not just Olivia Benson's presence that made her breath hitch. No, it was the child at her side.
Kathy's gaze drifted downward, her heart pounding in her ears as she took in the sight before her. A fresh, manicured hand clasped another, much smaller one. Their fingers interlocked in an intimate, protective grip. Then there were the eyes, the piercing blue eyes, wide with wonder as the boy examined a cereal box completely unaware of the devastation unraveling just a few feet away.
Her knees felt weak.
The dimples etched into his small cheeks sliced through her like a knife. A face so eerily familiar, yet so foreign. He looked up at Olivia, speaking animatedly about something, the innocence in his voice cracking at the surface of her bandaged heart, prolonging the damage that was already done.
She felt like her world stopped.
You say you love me but I know it's a lie.
When I work so hard to keep you satisfied.
What else is there to do when you've felt you've done all you could? Every sacrifice she had made, every desperate attempt to hold onto the fragments of her marriage, it had all been for nothing. She had given him everything from her youth, to her devotion, even Eli. Hell, she had uprooted their entire lives, moving them across the ocean, believing that distance would be enough to erase the pull Olivia had on him. And for what? Still here, standing in the middle of a grocery store in New York, she saw the truth in its rawest form. Elliot had already built something new. A child, his child, carrying his blue eyes like a trophy.
The hard work she put in to ensure he could never remember the way Olivia made him smile was all a waste. The life she had tried so hard to construct was nothing more than an illusion, a cruel placeholder for the reality he was always destined to return to.
How could ya, how could ya do
Do this to me?
How could he do this to her? How could he look at her every day, hold her, share a home with her, and still carry a love that did not belong to her? How could she tell the man she's been married to for so long that she know his secret? How can she tell him that she's seen his love for his partner in living form, walking around a city that she wasn't supposed to be in in the first place?
The questions burned at the back of her throat for months after that day. It was the last thing on her mind before she fell asleep and the first thought that plagued her when she woke. She watched him move through their shared life with effortless ease, telling their children he loved them, but she wondered—did he call and tell his other child the same?
Paranoia seeped into her every waking moment. Her mind became an entity she could no longer control. The tabs she kept on them became a full-time job. Looking and searching, making sure he never did the same. To anyone else it would be exhausting, scrolling through useless information from anyone or anything. She was different. This wasn't out of a hobby but an obligation.
This wasn't a game. It wasn't curiosity. It was survival.
She had given Elliot everything. She had sacrificed pieces of herself, hoping to secure something unbreakable. And yet, Olivia still had the power to make him drop everything with just a whisper of her name.
After all she did, she couldn't just let him up. Walk away and hand him over to the woman who's been waiting on the sidelines.
I'm 'bout to lose my,
My mind, my mind, my mind,
—-
2021
It was time to put an end to this and get back her family in full. She refused to stand idly by and let history repeat itself. It's been twenty years of watching her husband love another from the sidelines.
No more. She was done playing the role of the fool, of the discarded, of the afterthought.
The plane tickets to New York had been the easiest decision that made together. An invitation that wasn't as such sent her into a whirlwind of emotions.
The NYPD rumor mill still going strong. The knowledge of the ceremony reached his ears before she had a chance to push it away. The moment she saw that flicker of excitement in his eyes before he could mask it, she knew. He wanted to go back. He wanted to see her.
Then the invitation came as a window of opportunity. Going back to New York would be her chance to take back complete control and rewrite her husband's history for him.
The letter practically burned through her bag and onto her skin.
A simple envelope, yet its contents held the power to reduce whatever connection they had left to nothing. Was it borderline crazy for her to be carrying around an envelope meant to burn those bridges? Yes, but she would rather keep what she considers her ticket out of his hell hole close to her body than have him take any chance to erase the words. She saw it as almost sinfully poetic. Olivia had spent years unknowingly chipping away at her marriage, and now, Kathy held the tool that would sever the final thread.
She had seen the way Elliot hesitated when she brought up the idea of a letter, the unspoken anguish in his expression. The way his jaw tightened, the way his fingers twitched. He didn't want it written. He didn't want to potentially end what was barely even there.
Too bad.
She had watched him fall apart over Olivia for years. She had stood by his side while he silently sulked, while he carried the weight of an absence that was never hers to fill.
He stared off in the corner as she wrote away peaking up every so often when the smallest grunt would leave his lips. It reminded her of their children whenever they were being scolded, the look of almost shame and guilt etched along the wrinkles of worry.
That look of worry was still painted on his face as they made their way down the New York sidewalk.
She felt him tense under her hand, his eyes glued to the middle of the parkway zoning in on something out of the hundreds of people that walked around.
She went to ask what caught his interest when she followed his gaze, her hand tightening around his arm as she turned to see what had captivated him completely.
The sight of auburn hair against the oh-so-familiar freckled skin came clear in the sea of others. A ghost from their past materialized into flesh and bone.
She should've known. Should've known that only one person could evoke this kind of reaction from him. Her blood started to simmer at the thought that even in the swarm of civilians he still felt that pull. That connection that angered her every time she came to the precinct to view it for herself.
Even after years apart, even with miles between them, even after time and circumstance had tried to break whatever bond tethered them together, here they were. An invisible string, uncuttable, stronger than any vow she had ever spoken. Stronger than the wedding bands they had once exchanged.
No way, no way, she can't take you away from me.
Kathy clenched her jaw, forcing herself to breathe through the burning in her chest.
She would not let Olivia Benson take him away from her again. Not this time.
As she stared at them, a single, unwavering thought took root in her mind—one that would set everything in motion. She would do whatever it took to make sure Elliot Stabler never looked at Olivia Benson that way again.
I sure won't stay, but I'll be damned if I ever leave,
The room was dim as she opened her eyes, brick monochrome walls surrounding her lacing her body with dread. The cold seeped into her bones, making her shiver as she struggled to gather her thoughts. Her wrists ached the dull throb a reminder that she had been bound at some point. Her breath was slow, measured, as she tried to recollect the fragments of memory that led her here.
She had been at the store. Shopping. Picking out a gift that she and Elliot were supposed to choose together. But, as always, something had come up. He had sent a half-hearted apology over the phone, one she had learned to accept without question. That memory alone had her rolling her eyes even in her predicament.
A slow creak echoed through the room, pulling her from her thoughts. Her gaze lifted, locking onto a figure in the corner. A man, draped in shadows, his dark brown hair slicked back, an unsettling smirk stretching across his lips. The glint in his eyes was predatory, an arrogance that made her skin crawl.
"You know your husband, Elliot, isn't it?" His voice was smooth and deliberate as he stepped forward, dragging a chair with him. The sound of metal scraping against concrete made her wince. The smirk on his face was cocky as he made his way forward, spinning the chair around in front of her before sitting down. The metal bars of it pressed against his chest, the silver metal a stark contrast to the black.
"He wronged my family," he continued, tilting his head slightly as if studying her. "And so, out of generosity, I decided to take what he loves most."
Her blood boiled at his words, a surge of anger overpowering the fear that had settled in her chest. The irony of it all was unbearable. She was in this predicament because of a man who couldn't care less about her, who barely acknowledged her existence beyond what was required and him not being with her that night just proved it more. She let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head.
"I'm not the love of his life." Her voice cut through the room, steady and cold.
The man's smirk faltered for the briefest moment, a flicker of doubt crossing his features. But he quickly masked it, his expression unreadable.
At this moment, she felt it was her time. She's been harboring these feelings knowing anyone around would just continue to see her as crazy. Yet now was her one chance to unleash the anger and burden that was purposely spewed by herself.
No way, no way, she won't take you away from me,
"Yes, I am the mother of his children. Yes, I carry his name. But if you really want to hurt him, you're aiming for the wrong one."
His brows lifted, amusement dancing in his gaze. "And who should I be aiming for, then?" he asked, his tone almost mocking.
She exhaled sharply. "If you want to truly destroy Elliot Stabler, you have to hurt the one he loves the most."
"And that's not you?" His chuckle was low, edged with disbelief.
"No," she answered without hesitation, her voice void of emotion. "It hasn't been me for nearly two decades."
She held her ground watching as he took in her words considering them. A heavy silence settled between them as she took this opportunity to once again take control and place her marriage back on the path she intended it to be.
She straightened her shoulders, seizing control of the moment. "I'm sure you know he was on the force at SVU," she continued, hoping that for once in her life the rumor mill actually did her justice. He shook his head slowly, confirming that he was indeed aware, and gestured his hand for her to proceed.
"His partner Olivia Benson, well captain Olivia Benson now, she was and still is a pain in my ass." From then she retold her story of Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson to fresh ears who seemed to share an equal amount of disgust with her then. Words that had been harbored and pinned down for so long flow freely captivating the man before her. The same words he will turn around and use in his defense when confronting his wife later on. "I'm tired of it too. Tired of being a ghost in my own marriage." She finished with a sigh, "but going straight to the truth without touching me would cause suspicion"
His head tilted slightly. "So what are you saying?"
Her lips curled into a mirthless smile. "You have to hurt me first."
The air in the room grew thick with an unspoken understanding. The malice in his eyes mirrored her own, two forces intertwined by their shared hunger for vengeance.
—-
The next night, the air was cold, an unforgiving wind cutting through the streets carrying the weight of something inevitable. She shivered beneath her coat, her hands clenching into fists inside her pockets. Every step toward the car was heavy, her heels clicking against the pavement in slow, deliberate movements. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, the rhythmic drum of dread and anticipation weaving into a symphony of chaos.
The world around her seemed to slow. Streetlights flickered in the distance, casting ghostly shadows against the ground. She stole a glance at her reflection in the window of a parked car and was met with the reflection of a woman she barely recognized staring back at her. Deepened circles under her eyes, lips pressed into a thin line, wrinkles from stress more than age lingering on her skin. Was this who she had become? A puppet that strung and weaved her own destruction along?
And I sure won't stay, but I'll be damned if I ever leave
Her fingers trembled as she reached into her coat pocket, the cold nip of a metal button pressing against her skin. The device in her hand felt heavier than it should, the weight of her choices plowing against her soul.
Inhale.
She steadied herself. There was no turning back now.
Exhale.
She pressed the button.
With a flash, she felt the earth being swept beneath her feet. The explosion tore through the night, an ear-splitting howl that sent waves through the streets. Fire erupted from the car, flames grasping hungrily at the darkness.
Pain exploded through her limbs, a white-hot agony that blurred the edges of her vision.
Her skin burned, the heat searing through her clothes, branding her flesh with the price of her decision. Still, the pain felt no different than the hell she's already faced.
The world around her spun, sirens wailing in the distance, the distorted echoes of frantic voices threading through the chaos.
But beneath the pain, beneath the torment, there was something else.
Relief.
Because at that moment, in the inferno of her own making, she had finally taken control.
She had set the world on fire, and for the first time in years, she was the one holding the match.
As she lay in bed watching through the window of her hospital room, she realized that she had no more fight left in her. With her close to death, his heart still belonged to another.
The look in his eyes as he sat in the chair beside her, his gaze distant, detached, told her everything she needed to know. He wasn't truly here. He was somewhere else—lost in thoughts of a life that had never included her, not really. A life that centered on his kids and the woman who she blamed for her demise.
In my mind, my mind, my mind
I think about you all the, all the time
The question came out quickly before she could register it. She had to ask if they still stayed connected. Flashes of the young boy with blue eyes sprang to the front of her lobe and it caused more pain than the bomb could ever.
The answer shook her to her core. Deep down she knew it was right, there was no way possible they had still kept contact. But after years of telling herself a story to justify your failed marriage, the lies become believable.
The look of almost anger showed on Olivia's face as if she knew the real meaning behind her questioning. As if she knew she questioned the paternity of her child and whether her husband's truths were really a lie.
Years of denial crumbled beneath the weight of the truth she had refused to see.
She let out a breath, one that felt final. She knew she couldn't keep circling this drain. She had to let go of the parts of him that no longer fit into her life.
But it hurt. God, did it hurt.
The sight of them smiling as if there weren't years apart between them, a connection that as someone living with him she couldn't get in return.
She knew then she had to make the next move. A move that would end this suffering for both of them. She was alone with nothing but the machines keeping her company. The one person she felt should've been glued to her side was gone. Deep down she knew he was working, fighting hard to get the man she dabbled alongside to orchestrate this all. Still, her mind worked harder than her heart. The image of them together, touching, kissing, and even smiling with joy about getting away with their affair for so long taunted her.
The sound of the door creaking open, shined of sliver of light into the darkness she was stirring up. Only for the light to quickly burn out as her doctor made his way in.
She knew then she had to make the decision. "Please," she whispered, barely audible in the middle of the night.
Unplug the machine.
It was a simple ask. Why stay and live in the torment that was endless just as their love was strong?
The doctor's face twisted in concern at her request. Who wouldn't look horrified after being asked to unplug the machine keeping someone alive and by that person no less?
She couldn't lay here one moment with the thought of what they could be doing in the outside world. The joyous life they could be living no matter the story they told of never keeping contact.
Her last request was for the doctor to say nothing to Elliot. Confidentiality, she insisted. She would leave this world the way she had lived the last few years, on her own terms, with control in her hands.
My mind, my mind, my mind,
You will always be mine,
And as the light seemed to fade she kept on to the ounce of faith, flashes of the happiness she once drowned in dancing across her mind.
The last image she saw was him, Elliot, just as he had been all those years ago before everything had fallen apart. That image of him replayed up until that very last second. The warmth of his smile, once solely meant for her, fought off the cold that crept through her veins.
And then, nothing.