Anchor

Barry felt like he had been punched in the gut. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought he had heard her wrong. But he did know better. He had almost known what Caitlin was going to say before she even said it. He just hadn't let himself think about it. Now that it had been said, though, he didn't know how to respond.

"Okay," he found himself whispering.

Caitlin gave him a strange look, her eyes filled with tears.

"Okay?"

"I…" Barry choked, "…okay."

"Barry," Caitlin said sadly, "Did you hear me?"

Barry nodded, his throat feeling like it was stuffed with cotton.

"I heard you," he whispered.

"Barry, I know this is a lot to take in," she choked, "But everything is going to be alright. We'll figure this out together."

"Okay," Barry whispered.

It was all that would come out of his mouth.

Caitlin opened and closed her mouth a couple times, but she didn't say anything else. Instead, she moved to pull Barry into a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around him. Barry felt numb, like he couldn't quite feel her arms around him. When they broke apart, Caitlin's tears had already spilled over. Barry's eyes, however, were completely dry.

"What kind of cancer is it?" he asked quietly.

Caitlin took a deep breath and wiped away her tears, trying to go back into doctor mode.

"The mutation seems to be in your blood," she said in a strained voice, "The vast majority of your blood cells are immature, not fully formed. It's why your normal red blood cells are so depleted and why your white blood cells are so elevated. They're multiplying uncontrollably."

"So, it's leukemia," Barry said calmly.

Caitlin nodded, taking a deep breath, willing herself not to cry any more.

"I can't say what type of leukemia it is yet," she said, "All I know is that it's malignant. I won't know any more until I do some further testing."

Barry nodded slowly.

"How advanced is it?" he whispered.

Caitlin shook her head.

"I'll have to take some scans and do more bloodwork before I can estimate that," she said quietly, "But the fact that it's symptomatic tells me you're at least a couple stages in."

Barry nodded.

"Okay."

Caitlin's eyebrows furrowed at him.

"Barry," she choked, "I…I feel like you're not really taking in what I'm saying."

"I heard you, Caitlin."

"You're handling this surprisingly well," she relented, "Too well. Barry, it's okay to let yourself freak out a little."

"I'm fine," Barry said numbly, "I can handle this. Let's…let's just do whatever tests we need to do so we can figure out how to treat this."

"Barry, do you want me to call someone?" she asked tearfully, "Joe or Iris?"

Barry snapped out of his haze of calmness then.

"No," he said seriously, "Do not call them, Caitlin."

"Barry, you shouldn't go through this alone," she said desperately, "You should have someone here with you while you process this."

"I'm processing it just fine," Barry said firmly, "I'm serious, Cait. Don't call them. I don't want them here right now. Right now, I just want to do whatever tests we need to do. I…I can't deal with telling them right now."

"Okay," Caitlin whispered, "We'll start with some scans then."

The scans weren't good. Caitlin couldn't tell him what kind of leukemia it was yet—not without doing a full biopsy—but Barry could tell from the look on her face that it wasn't good.

"How do my MRIs look?" Barry finally asked, after watching her look over the scans for a good ten minutes.

"I'll need some more time to look them over," Caitlin sighed, tucking the MRI images into a folder, "I'll be able to give you more accurate information tomorrow."

"They're bad, aren't they?" Barry asked flatly, "You wouldn't be having me wait till tomorrow if they were good."

Caitlin let out a shaky sigh and bit her lip.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Barry," she said sadly, "There were some abnormalities—things that weren't there before."

"Define 'things,'" Barry pressed.

Caitlin sucked in a shaky breath.

"Tumors," she whispered.

Barry nodded and ran a hand over his face, taking a moment to breathe before speaking.

"Where?" he asked calmly, "Where are the tumors?"

"A couple different places," she answered vaguely, "Barry, if you just give me the night to look the scans over, I can give you much more concrete information tomorrow."

"Fine," Barry sighed tiredly.

Caitlin gave him a surprised look.

"Fine?"

"Yeah," Barry sighed, "I'll just come back tomorrow then."

Caitlin blinked at him, at a loss for words. Barry knew why. She had expected him to argue, to insist that she tell him what was on the scans—to request to see them himself. Barry didn't want to see them, though. He didn't want to discuss this anymore. He was ready to be done with it for the day.

"Can I go home now?" he asked quietly.

Caitlin looked taken aback by the question.

"Are you sure that's the best idea?" she asked unsurely, "This is big news. You really shouldn't be alone right now, Barry."

"I won't be alone," Barry persisted, "Joe and Iris are there."

"Yes, but they don't know," Caitlin said seriously, "Barry, you know you're going to have to tell them, right?"

Barry stared at her.

"I…I just need some time to think," he said in a strained voice.

"I understand," Caitlin said sadly, "But Barry…I don't know if I can allow you to proceed any further through this process without some emotional support."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to have to perform a biopsy tomorrow," she said sadly, "It's going to be…stressful and emotional. I can't, in good conscience, allow you to go through it without someone else there with you."

"You'll be there," Barry pointed out, "You'll be with me the whole time."

"Barry, you know you can always count on me to support you as your friend," Caitlin said in a strained voice, "But I also have to be your doctor right now. I'm going to try my best to be both for you, but you're also going to need someone else to step in and take on that role. You need an anchor."

Barry sighed and buried his face in his hands, not saying anything.

"Barry?" she asked gently.

Barry couldn't help it then. He finally started to cry. A small sob escaped his lips, his face still covered by his hands.

"Oh, Barry," Caitlin said sadly, sitting down next to him.

"I c-cant," Barry sniffed, not looking up from his hands, "I can't tell them. I can do whatever tests or treatments I need to do, but I can't tell them."

He looked up from his hands then, his eyes now bloodshot and watery.

"Please don't make me tell them, Caitlin," he choked, "I don't want to tell them. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do any of this."

"I know, Barry," she said, tears quickly filling her eyes again as she watched him finally react to the news she had given him, "I would give anything for this to not be happening to you right now. You don't deserve this. I know it's going to be hard, telling them that you're sick, but it's something you need to do. If it will help, I'll go with you. We can tell them together."

Barry shook his head.

"No," he sniffed, "I'll…I'll tell them. I'll tell Joe. I'll tell him tonight."

Barry knew he was stalling. He had been home for four hours now, and it was already ten o'clock. He should just get it over with. He should just tell Joe already.

Barry wasn't going to tell Iris yet. He knew she would be supportive, but she would also cry and start freaking out, and Barry couldn't handle dealing with her reaction right now. Joe's reaction would be a little easier to handle. He would be calmer about it, and that's what Barry needed right now. He needed someone to be calm about it.

Caitlin had been calm, yes, but for a doctor, she had been surprisingly emotional about the whole thing. Barry knew that it was just because he was more than just a patient to her—he was her friend—but her emotions hadn't exactly helped him much. No one ever wants to see their doctor cry when they're delivering bad news. Her tears had made the whole thing seem so much more serious, and it didn't exactly invoke much confidence.

Barry knew Joe would get emotional, too, but he was a cop. He was good at controlling his emotions and staying calm in stressful situations. Joe could handle it. After Iris went to bed around nine, though, Barry didn't immediately tell Joe. A whole hour had passed since Iris had retreated upstairs, but Barry still hadn't told him. He didn't really know how to tell him.

Hey, Joe. Guess what? I found out I have cancer today, and I need you to come with me tomorrow while Caitlin performs a biopsy on me.

There really was no good way to say it. There were several moments when Barry opened his mouth to try to start the conversation, but he didn't know what to say, so he'd clam up again. He and Joe were both washing dishes—Joe washing while Barry dried and put them away. Now was the perfect time to start a conversation, but Barry couldn't get any words to leave his mouth.

"What is it, Bar?" Joe suddenly asked in exasperation, handing Barry the last dish to dry.

Barry gave him a confused look.

"You obviously want to talk to me about something," Joe laughed, shaking his head, "You have the same look on your face that you did when you were trying to tell me you and Iris crashed my car in high school."

Barry didn't laugh, though. He let out a heavy sigh as he put the last dish away. When he turned back to Joe, he opened his mouth again, but no words came out. He clamped it shut again in frustration.

"What is it, Bar?" Joe asked seriously, the smile sliding from his face now.

Clearly, he could tell that whatever Barry wanted to tell him was serious.

"Can we sit down?" Barry asked quietly, pointing toward the table.

Joe nodded, furrowing his eyebrows at him as they both moved to sit at the dining room table.

"What's wrong?" Joe asked, a hint of fear in his voice now.

Barry sighed and buried his head in his hands. He knew he was just dragging this out, making it worse for Joe, but finding the words was so hard.

"I lied," he found himself saying through his hands.

"What?" Joe asked, frowning at him in confusion.

"I lied to you," Barry sighed, looking up from his hands, "Yesterday, when you asked me how my appointment with Caitlin went…I lied."

"What do you mean?" Joe asked quietly, "What did you lie about?"

"I said Caitlin told me everything was fine," Barry said in a strained voice, "But that wasn't true. She actually was running a few tests, and I went back in to see her again today for a follow up."

Joe's eyes widened as he took in Barry's words.

"And?" he asked worriedly, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Barry assured him, "Caitlin got the test results, and we figured out what's wrong with me. I…I really am fine, Joe, so I need you to promise not to freak out on me. Please don't make a big deal about it."

"What is it, Bar?" Joe demanded seriously, "What did Caitlin find?"

Barry sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"She found an abnormality in my blood cells," he said, beating around the bush, "There's just a slight mutation in my leukocytes, and it's causing them to multiply at an accelerated rate, causing a decrease in my red blood cells and platelets."

"Okay," Joe frowned, "Can you please tell me what that means in English, Bar?"

Barry took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It's…it's cancer, Joe," he whispered.

Joe's face didn't change. He didn't say anything. He just stared at him.

"W-what?" he finally whispered.

"Please don't freak out," Barry said quickly, "Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is. Caitlin's going to treat it, and everything's going to be fine."

"You have cancer?" Joe asked numbly, his face portraying nothing but shock.

"Technically, yes," Barry said in a strained voice, "But I'm going to be fine. Caitlin is an excellent doctor and—"

"B-barry," Joe choked, putting a hand over his mouth.

Tears rapidly started to fill his eyes.

"Joe, please," Barry begged, his own eyes starting to well up upon seeing Joe's reaction, "Please, don't cry. I'm going to be fine."

"Barry, you have cancer," Joe choked, keeping a hand clasped over his mouth.

He looked like he was going to be sick.

"Joe," Barry said, his voice cracking, "Please, I need you to stay calm about this."

Joe shook his head and didn't say anything. Instead, he stood up and moved to give Barry a bone-crushing hug. Barry hugged him back and buried his face in Joe's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Joe choked, "I'm sorry, Bar. I'm trying to hold it together for you."

They pulled apart, and Joe wiped a few tears from his face.

"But this is a lot to take in."

"I know," Barry said softly, "I understand. I'm sorry, Joe."

"You don't have to apologize," Joe said incredulously, holding back sobs, "I just…God, Bar. Cancer."

"It's just a word, Joe," Barry reasoned, "It could mean a lot of things. It might not even be that serious."

"You don't know how serious it is?" Joe asked tearfully.

Barry shook his head.

"Caitlin's looking over my MRIs tonight. She's going to discuss it with me tomorrow, and she's…she's going to do a biopsy."

"What do you mean?" Joe choked, "What do you mean by biopsy?"

"She needs a sample," Barry explained, "She needs a sample of my bone marrow, so she can figure out what kind of cancer it is. All we know is that it's leukemia, but we don't know what type of leukemia or how progressed it is."

"Leukemia," Joe whispered, still in shock.

He shook his head then.

"But you're the Flash," he said desperately, "You can't get cancer!"

"I can," Barry said sadly, "My cells are already mutated, Joe. That's technically what cancer is. It's a mutation of cells. The only difference is that this specific mutation didn't give me powers. It gave me…this instead."

"What caused it?" Joe asked seriously.

Barry shook his head. He had an idea, but it wasn't something he was ever going to voice out loud—not unless they knew for sure.

"I don't know," he lied quietly, "Maybe Caitlin will have an idea, but…it could be any number of things."

Joe put a hand over his mouth again.

"Barry," he choked.

"I'm going to be fine," Barry said again, "Caitlin knows what she's doing. I'm going in for my biopsy at ten tomorrow. She…she wanted someone to come with me."

"Of course," Joe said immediately, taking Barry's hand, "I'll be there. I'll go with you, Bar."

Barry gave Joe's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you, Joe."

As hard as it was to tell Joe, Barry felt slightly better, having him know. It strangely helped take some of the weight of it off him. It made the news a little easier to bear. Barry hadn't expected that. He had expected it all to seem so much worse, having Joe know about it, but it didn't. It actually felt good to have someone else there to support him.

Someone to be his anchor.