Limits

Joe knew he had to be annoying Barry. He was watching him closely, making sure he ate enough, didn't run, avoided caffeine, and got enough sleep. Barry even said at one point that Joe was making him feel like a little kid again. Joe knew he was being overbearing, but he didn't know what else to do. There wasn't anything he could do. He couldn't find a cure. He couldn't treat Barry. He couldn't magically just make this whole thing go away.

But he could be there for him.

Joe had lost track of how many times he had walked into Barry's lab today. He knew it was getting excessive at this point, and he didn't know what he was expecting to find every time he did. Barry seemed completely normal when he was at work, despite maybe looking a little tired. He wasn't spacey, though. In fact, he seemed completely focused on everything he was doing, completely absorbed in his work.

"I thought you said you were almost done for the day," Joe said when he walked in to find Barry hunched over his microscope like before.

"I am," Barry sighed, looking up from his microscope and rubbing his eyes, "I finished my last report an hour ago."

Joe's eyebrows furrowed.

"What are you working on then?" he asked curiously.

Barry looked past Joe to check the doorway and make sure no one was walking past the lab.

"My chemotherapeutic agent," he whispered.

Joe's expression saddened.

"Oh," he said softly, "I thought Caitlin had that covered already."

"She did," Barry nodded, "I'm just making a few adjustments to the med. Don't worry. I'll run it all past Caitlin when I'm done tweaking it."

"What's wrong with the chemo med she already made?"

"Nothing," Barry said quickly, "I just…I know my metabolism is going to get in the way. I'm looking for a pharmaceutical that will slow it down enough for the chemo to actually work."

"Oh," Joe frowned, "Any luck?"

Barry shook his head.

"No," he sighed, "I've found drugs that will slow my metabolism, but every one so far will basically destroy my liver. Pharmaceutical companies don't exactly make medications designed to slow metabolism. Most people want to speed theirs up. And any medications I find have too many negative side effects that make them counterproductive. It won't do any good to kill the cancer if it kills my liver or kidneys in the process."

"Barry," Joe sighed, "Don't you think you should let Caitlin worry about this? You shouldn't be stressing yourself with this stuff."

"I don't want to put this all on her," Barry said seriously, "It's not fair to put all the weight on one person. I'm the one who's sick, so I should be helping with my treatment."

"No, Bar," Joe sighed, sadly shaking his head, "You shouldn't. You're the one who's sick, so you should be resting. You should be taking it easy, not using your free time at work to study medications or take your own blood samples."

Joe glanced at the vials of blood Barry had sitting on his lab bench. Barry flushed and slid them behind his microscope, out of sight.

"I just feel like I need to do something," he muttered, "I feel so helpless, just sitting here, leaving it all up to others to treat me. I…I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something, making progress."

Joe nodded sadly at him. He knew exactly how Barry felt.

"I know," he said quietly, "But it's not going to do you any good to obsess, Barry. You need to get out of your own head for a little while, focus on something else."

"Like what?" Barry sighed, turning off the light to his microscope.

"Just being with us," Joe said in a strained voice, "Spending time with family. Spending time with Iris before she leaves. Getting to know Wally. You've been using work to distract yourself, but your family would be a much healthier crutch, Bar."

Barry nodded and let out a heavy sigh.

"I know," he whispered.

"Wally's stopping by the house tonight," Joe told him gently, "He's working on his engineering project. If you're up for it, he would love some help from that big brain of yours."

Barry tried hard not to scoff. He found it hard to believe Wally actually said that. It was clearly all Joe's idea—his scheme to get Barry and Wally in the same room together.

"I don't know," Barry said slowly, "I have a dialysis session after work. It takes four hours, so I probably won't be home until eight or nine."

"I know it's not the best day for it," Joe said quickly, "If you're too tired or it's too much for you, I completely understand. We can reschedule."

"No," Barry sighed, rubbing his eyes, "No, don't reschedule. We can do it tonight. I'll be there."

"Are you sure, Bar?" Joe asked seriously, "The last thing I want to do is put too much on you. I think spending time with family would be good for you, but I don't want to push this if it's only going to add to your stress."

"No, I want to do this," Barry assured him, "It'll be a good chance for Wally and me to connect. This is a good idea."

Joe could tell Barry was less than enthusiastic about the idea, but he could also tell that Barry meant it. He really did want to try to get along with Wally.

"Okay," Joe said, giving Barry a small smile, "And are you sure you don't want me to come to your—?"

"I'm sure," Barry cut him off, "I don't need you to come to every dialysis appointment with me. It's incredibly boring, just sitting there for four hours. I'll have Cisco and Caitlin there to distract me."

Joe let out a heavy sigh and nodded. He wanted to insist that he go, but he also didn't want to be overbearing. He knew Barry felt guilty. He felt like it was a "waste of time" for everyone else to sit there with him when his blood was being filtered. Joe didn't see it as a waste of time at all, but he suspected his presence wasn't the best comfort to Barry during his dialysis sessions.

Joe got woozy after a while, watching Barry's blood move through all the tubes. He often had to get up and leave the room for short spurts of time just to get rid of the churning feeling in his gut. It probably only added to Barry's stress, but Barry was too polite to tell him that.

So Joe reluctantly didn't go to Barry's appointment. Instead, he dropped him off at STAR Labs after work. Joe felt guilty as he drove away, leaving Barry to undergo the treatment alone. He wouldn't be alone, though, Joe reasoned. Cisco and Caitlin were there for him, and Barry didn't want him there.

Joe just wished he knew that for sure.

He wasn't sure if Barry was holding him at arm's length because that made the treatments easier for him or if it was to make it easier for Joe. Regardless of the reason, Barry felt better when Joe wasn't there, and Joe tried to not let that hurt him. He knew it was Barry's idea of being selfless, like always.

Barry's selflessness was going to be the death of him.

"Caitlin, I mean it," Barry said seriously, "I'm fine. You're overreacting."

"No," Caitlin said firmly, "Overreacting would be keeping you here for overnight observation. Overreacting would be running every test imaginable to ensure this doesn't happen again. I'm not overreacting, Barry. I'm just asking you to stay for a couple hours."

"I've already spent the majority of my night here," Barry sighed, "Please, Cait. I've had a long day, and I just want to go home."

"Barry, you just passed out," she said incredulously, "It'd be one thing if you just got tired or woozy for a little while, but this was more than that. You completely lost consciousness. I had to stop the procedure to let you recuperate. This is not normal for a dialysis treatment. You were unconscious for twenty minutes!"

"I'm tired," Barry gritted, losing his patience, "I worked a ten-hour shift today, and I've been doing these treatments all week. I'm tired, Caitlin. That's all this was."

"You and I both know that's not true," Caitlin persisted, "Your hemoglobin is dangerously low. If it gets any lower, you're going to start experiencing these episodes during your normal hours of the day. This could happen when you're at work. Or when you're at home with your family. Is that what you want?"

Barry sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I need a blood transfusion," he said quietly, "Don't I?"

"Yes," Caitlin whispered, "You really need one."

Barry shook his head.

"Well, I don't see that happening any time soon," he said seriously, "Unless you can find someone with AB negative blood who also happens to be a speedster."

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh.

"I'll increase your dosage of Procrit," she said softly, "Hopefully, it'll help you create more red blood cells of your own."

"Yeah," Barry whispered.

He didn't voice the fact that the medication would also cause him to produce other blood cells—ones that weren't so great. It seemed like every treatment they came up with only helped the cancer spread faster.

"Barry, I'd really like it if you stayed," Caitlin said quietly, "I just want to make sure you're alright. You don't know how scary it was when we couldn't wake you. I…I thought you were going to code."

Barry blinked at her.

"I just passed out. I wasn't anywhere near coding, Caitlin."

"I know," Caitlin whispered, "I know you weren't. I just…"

"You're paranoid," Barry accused, "You're not just my doctor; you're my friend. Friendship is making you paranoid."

"I know," she sighed, "I know I'm being excessive, but it's not just friendship, Barry. Any doctor would agree with me. Any other doctor would want to keep you here for observation after what just happened."

"I'm not staying here," Barry said firmly, "It's almost nine. I have to get back to the house. Wally's coming over tonight, and I'm supposed to be helping him with—"

"Barry, you need to rest after your dialysis sessions," Caitlin chastised, "You shouldn't be straining yourself."

"I don't want to disappoint them," Barry told her, "I'm not going to disappoint them. This is really important to Joe."

"And if Joe knew about this—about you passing out—he would agree with me that you need to rest," Caitlin countered, "He would reschedule."

"Don't you dare tell him about this, Caitlin," Barry said seriously, "I mean it. As the patient, I'm requesting you keep this confidential."

"Barry, please don't do that," she pleaded, "Don't ask me to hide things from your family. You can't just use confidentially laws to pick and choose what I tell them."

"Actually, I can," Barry said, "I get to choose what to share with my family, and I'm choosing to keep this incident between us. If Joe asks, tell him the dialysis session went the same way it always does."

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Barry," she said seriously, "I'm only trying to help you, and you're making that extremely difficult. You need to know when to think about yourself—when to take care of yourself."

"I feel fine," Barry insisted, "I feel a lot better now. I'm not even dizzy anymore. If I start feeling sick, I'll take it easy, I promise. I just don't want everyone to make a big deal out of this."

"Barry—"

"Joe's here," Barry said suddenly, looking at his phone, "I'm going to go before he decides to come in here."

"Barry, you should really let me—"

"I feel fine," he insisted, standing up from the bed, "I've had plenty of time to recuperate. If I have any problems, I'll call you, okay?"

"Barry, at least let me check your blood pressure," she urged, reaching for the cuff, "I need to make sure—"

"I'll call you if I have any problems!" Barry called, disappearing through the doorway, "Thanks, Cait!"

Caitlin shook her head in frustration, a feeling of déjà vu setting in. It was just like when Barry woke up from his coma, rushing out of STAR Labs before she could fully examine him. From the start, Barry had always been a stubborn patient, but right now, he couldn't afford to be. He couldn't afford to push himself too hard. He couldn't afford to keep things from his family. They needed to know what was going on with him, so they could prevent him from overworking himself. Barry was going to push himself too hard.

And it was going to catch up with him.

"How'd it go?" Joe asked as soon as Barry climbed into the car.

"Fine," Barry sighed, "Just the same old boring procedure. It's more of a nuisance than it is painful."

"Are you feeling okay?" Joe asked, his eyebrows furrowing, "You look pale."

"I always look pale," Barry laughed, "Especially after dialysis. It's no big deal."

"Are you sure you're okay meeting with Wally tonight?" Joe persisted, "I know how tiring your treatments are, and it's late. I can always cancel and tell Wally we'll do it some other time."

"No, I'm fine," Barry insisted, "Don't cancel."

He just wanted to get this over with. If he didn't connect with Wally now, it was only going to get harder as time went on, especially when he got sicker. Thankfully, Joe didn't press the issue, and they endured the rest of the car ride in silence. When they got back to the house, they both saw Iris's car in the driveway.

Wally's was nowhere in sight.

"He's late," Joe sighed, looking at his watch, "I told him to be here by nine."

"It's okay," Barry assured him, "I don't mind waiting."

As they got out of the car, Barry felt a small wave of dizziness wash over him. He ignored it, though, even when it got worse as he climbed up the porch steps. He did his best not to sway, so Joe wouldn't see. Thankfully, he didn't.

A full half hour passed by the time Wally arrived at the house. It was quarter to ten now, and Barry was struggling just to keep his eyes open as he sat at the dining room table. He did his best to keep them open, wringing his hands in discomfort as Wally entered the room.

Joe and Iris were both standing in the doorway, clearly hopeful and excited to have Wally and Barry finally spending some time together. Joe clapped Wally on the shoulder as he reluctantly moved to stand next to Barry by the table, setting his backpack down and pulling his laptop out with a sigh.

"My dad thought I should have you take a look," he muttered, confirming Barry's assumption of this all being Joe's idea.

Barry shared a brief glance with Joe and found him to be staring at him, communicating with his eyes how important this was to him. Joe just wanted his two sons to know each other. It meant a great deal to him, and Barry nodded reassuringly at Joe before turning towards Wally's computer.

"So," Wally said, opening his laptop, "This is what I've got so far for my project essay to get into CCU's engineering program."

Barry nodded silently and tried hard not to yawn as he pulled the laptop closer to him, his eyes scanning over the page. Despite his exhaustion, Barry couldn't help but be intrigued by the project in front of him. He gave Wally a surprised look and then returned his gaze to the computer.

"Turbine supercars?" he asked, a smile forming on his face.

It wasn't forced either. Barry was actually pleasantly surprised and intrigued by Wally's project. He hadn't been expecting it from the kid. Barry actually knew a thing or two about turbine engineering and had always found it extremely interesting. He thought back to what Iris had said two nights ago, about Barry and Wally just needing to find something they had in common. It looked like they had finally found it, and it made Barry hopeful as he read through the report.

"Turbines?" Iris asked curiously, "Like, jet engines?"

"Yeah," Wally said excitedly, going into full nerd mode like Barry often did when he was excited about something, "Yeah, it'd use an engine like the ones they have in some helicopters, only it'd run on biodiesel."

"Cool," Iris said, raising her eyebrows.

"It's very cool," Joe said, smiling proudly.

Barry agreed. Wally had a good idea. He was instantly hooked by it and found himself completely immersed in the project, reading Wally's report with genuine interest. The science behind it all interested him greatly, and Barry soon found himself getting caught up it, like he did with everything. He forgot all about how sick he was feeling as he focused on the project. It turned out to be a welcome distraction.

"Yeah, you're going to want to address the fuel economy issue here," he said thoughtfully, still staring at the screen, "I mean, it is a jet, so it's going to burn through a lot of fuel."

"Yeah, that's why I want to use biodiesel," Wally explained quickly, "It'll run off of anything that burns with oxygen."

Barry nodded thoughtfully, still staring at the screen. He understood Wally's thought process, and it was very smart. He saw one problem with it, though.

"Okay, we also got a sound issue, though," he said thoughtfully, reading through the report, "It'll wake the neighbors for sure."

Barry let out a light laugh, his eyes still moving over the screen.

"Anything else?" Wally asked, his voice not matching Barry's light tone at all.

Barry looked up in surprise to see Wally frowning at him, his arms crossed, posture stiff with indignation. Barry instantly realized his mistake, especially when he saw the serious look being exchanged between Joe and Iris. He realized now that he hadn't actually said anything positive about Wally's work, even if he had been thinking it. He had gotten too caught up in the science of it all, like he always did with everything. Wally didn't know that about him, though, and had clearly thought Barry was trying to maliciously pick apart his project by pointing out the errors.

"Um…" Barry said uncomfortably, looking back at Wally again so he could quickly repair his mistake, "Well, I just want to help, you know."

He looked desperately back in forth between the three of them, trying to explain and redeem himself. He must have sounded like a total jackass.

"I'm just trying to make sure they have no reason to say no," he explained quickly.

"Okay," Wally said skeptically, scoffing humorlessly and shaking his head in disbelief.

He clearly didn't believe Barry was just innocently trying to help.

"Sorry, Wally. I didn't mean…" Barry said uncomfortably, desperately wishing he hadn't put his foot in his mouth right off the bat, "I mean, it looks really good."

He looked at Joe and Iris in anguish, wishing they could help him get Wally to see he hadn't meant to criticize him. Looking at Joe and Iris didn't help matters. He could clearly see by the worried looks on their faces that he was blowing this. This meant so much to them, that he and Wally got along, and Barry was the one blowing it, like always. He couldn't do anything right. He wished he could go back in time and do it over, could pay more attention to what was coming out of his damn mouth.

"Okay, let's just…start over, okay?" he said desperately, trying to laugh to ease the tension as he stammered over his words.

He glanced back at the computer uncomfortably before looking back at Wally, who was still frowning at him, looking like how Barry felt: like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Why don't we go through it all together?" Barry suggested hopefully, "Work it out."

Wally shrugged, a frown still on his face.

"Sounds good," he muttered, reluctantly moving towards the chair adjacent to Barry's.

"Cool," Barry whispered, glancing at Joe and Iris again.

They looked so disappointed in him. No one was more disappointed in Barry, however, than he was in himself.

He and Wally had had a shaky start, and tonight was supposed to be their chance to fix things and start over, and Barry was already blowing it. At least Wally wasn't leaving. There was still time to fix this.

If tonight didn't go well, Barry didn't know what he was going to do. This was probably his one chance, and if he and Wally couldn't make it work, it seemed unlikely they would ever get along the way Joe desperately wanted them to. Barry did want to get to know Wally. He was Joe's son, after all. He was Iris's brother.

Wally didn't quite feel like family to Barry yet, but it had also been the same with Joe and Iris when he first came to live with them. It had taken him years to accept them as his family, mostly because his dad was still alive and Barry had thought of his living situation here as only temporary. Over time, however, he had come to love them as if he really shared their blood, and maybe with time, he could feel the same way about Wally.

As Joe and Iris slowly walked out of the room, leaving Barry and Wally to it, Barry found himself wishing they would stay. He knew he and Wally needed to spend some time alone together, just the two of them, but it was going to be hard not having Joe and Iris there as a crutch. They were always a good buffer to ease the tension between them.

Wally was different when they weren't around. He was different with Barry. It wasn't like, as soon as the others left the room, Wally turned into a total dick or anything—but he was definitely different. More closed off.

Barry didn't know how he could possibly get Wally to open up to him, when, from the start, Wally had only seen Barry as competition, as the "white shadow" in the family.

"The hardest part was amping up the torque without increasing drag," Wally was saying an hour later.

The two of them had both taken the same tactic towards this forced time together. They both just focused on the project, which Barry appreciated because it allowed him to stop thinking about all the issues between them.

However, it also left his mind free to wander about everything else, about the treatments he would be starting soon. About how Iris was leaving for a full month and wouldn't know what was going on.

It was almost eleven now, and Barry felt like he was going face-plant it on the table soon. He couldn't remember ever being this tired in his life. Most nights now, he was in bed by ten. It didn't help that he had just had a dialysis session either. Now, he was dead on his feet, and he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to sit here and focus on the project. He had hoped they'd be able to get this done quickly.

"A heavier engine would only slow things down," Wally continued, as Barry stared at the screen, trying to focus on just the project and ignore the fog that was clouding his exhausted brain, "But this streamlined version should optimize both the torque and the horsepower."

Barry glanced up at him, thinking over what Wally had just said. It was a smart thought, but it wasn't exactly a solution. Barry was honestly interested in helping Wally make the project as good as it could possibly be, and he was here to help him after all, so that's what Barry did.

"Yeah, I'm just worried it won't be enough still," he said thoughtfully, starting to type on the computer, "Here, let's do this."

Wally watched with a blank look on his face as Barry started to rearrange the model for the project.

"Use a one-to-one transfer gearbox to drop the output shaft of the engine," he said quickly as he typed, "Reverse rotation and send more power to the torque converter."

Barry focused on the project in front of him, rearranging it so that the vehicle would function in a way that was ten times more efficient than it was when they had started. Wally had had a great idea, and he clearly knew what he was doing, but he had some miniscule problems in the execution of his design that weren't allowing his car to reach its full potential. Barry finished rearranging it, proud to have found a way to make Wally's idea a possibility. Wally was going to get into the engineering program for sure.

"I didn't come here for you to just do it for me," Wally said suddenly.

Barry looked up from the computer in confusion. Wally was glaring at him, an irritated look on his face.

"I thought we were going to work on this together," he accused flatly.

"Yeah, we are," Barry said in a small voice, completely shocked by Wally's sudden iciness, "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to speed up the process."

Which was true. Although he was very interested in the project and the welcome distraction it provided, it was getting dangerously late for him to still be up and trying to function coherently. If it got any later, Barry wouldn't be able to focus on anything, and he wouldn't be much help to Wally in his tired state. Wally didn't take his desire to get the project done faster very well, though.

"Why?" he challenged.

The smile slid from Barry's face, and he looked at Wally thoughtfully. He could sense a confrontation coming on, just by the look on Wally's face. Barry already knew Wally didn't like him, but now he was starting to fully understand.

Wally hated him.

"You've got somewhere better to be?" Wally asked bluntly, starting to pack up his things.

"No, Wally," Barry said slowly, the sudden tension in the room making his heartrate pick up slightly, "I just…"

Wally grabbed the computer and spun the screen away from him.

"Wally," Barry said reasonably as the kid closed the computer and put it away.

Wally didn't look at him as he packed up his things, an irritated look on his face.

"Alright," Barry sighed, deciding it was finally time for the two of them to be candid with each other.

Ignoring the tension between them clearly wasn't doing anything to make it go away. It was just making it worse, so Barry decided to just flat out ask Wally.

"Do you have a problem with me?" he asked, trying to make it sound less like an accusation and more like an honest question of concern.

Wally looked up at him then, a small, almost mocking, smile on his face.

"Who could have a problem with you?" he asked sarcastically, "You're Barry, right? You're perfect."

Barry closed his eyes, a soft sigh escaping his lips. He understood now. He understood for the first time where all of Wally's dislike for him was coming from—why he saw him as competition. Wally was jealous. Barry made Wally feel like he wasn't enough, the same way Wally often made Barry feel about himself. Maybe the two of them weren't so different, after all.

If only Wally knew everything Barry had done, the mistakes he had made. He wouldn't call him perfect then. He had it so backwards. Hearing Wally calling him perfect only made Barry's guilt grow, and as if to make matters worse, Wally continued on.

"Never do anything wrong," he said in annoyance, "Always this. Always that."

Wally rolled his eyes and grabbed his bag, walking away from the table.

"Wally," Barry said softly, "It's—"

"I mean," Wally said, cutting him off, "Take a look around you, man. You're in every picture in this room."

Barry glanced painfully at one of the pictures but immediately looked away from it. He hadn't been able to look at them since he had returned from earth two, an earth in which this house was filled with wedding pictures of him and Iris, not pictures of him growing up in a family that wasn't truly his. He had always felt like a burden to Joe and Iris, and now that he was sick, that feeling would only grow.

"You know, thanks for your help," Wally continued stiffly, "But I'll take care of this myself."

He headed towards the door then. Barry shot up from his seat, desperate to remedy the situation.

"Wally, wait," he said in desperation, "Please, just…"

Barry's words trailed off as an intense wave of dizziness suddenly struck him. He had stood up way too fast, and now the room was suddenly spinning, black spots appearing in his vision. He could vaguely see Wally standing there, staring at him in confusion, but then Wally suddenly tilted. The entire room tilted.

Everything suddenly went black.