Perfect

Joe's heart sank when he heard the strained voices drifting up the stairs. He couldn't quite hear what the two young men were saying, but he could tell from their tones that Barry and Wally were not having a friendly chat. He had hoped they could get along without him there, but perhaps he had been expecting too much. With a heavy sigh, Joe started making his way down the stairs, intending to act as a mediator between his two sons.

He was halfway down the stairs when he heard the thud.

"Dude!" Wally exclaimed, "Are you okay?!"

The next thing Joe knew, he was in the living room, having flown down the stairs at record speed. His stomach clenched when he looked down at the floor.

"Barry!" he gasped, stooping down next to where Barry had collapsed.

Barry was laying on his side with his eyes closed. His skin was white as a sheet, and a thin sheen of sweat covered his forehead. Joe instantly began tapping the sides of Barry's face, trying to rouse him.

"Bar," he said in anguish, "Barry!"

"What's wrong with him?" Wally asked in confusion, watching from behind Joe as he tried to wake him.

Joe didn't answer. He gripped Barry's shoulder, pinching down hard on his trapezius muscle to provide a painful stimulus. It worked. Barry's eyes finally cracked open, blinking up at him in confusion.

"Joe?" he breathed.

"I've got you, Bar," Joe gasped in relief, his heart still pounding in his chest, "You passed out. You're going to be okay, though. I'm going to take you to see Caitlin."

"N-no," Barry stammered, his eyes widening as his senses returned to him.

Barry shooed Joe's hand away and forced himself into a sitting position.

"I'm fine," he insisted, "I just stood up too quickly. It's nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing," Wally said, still standing there, staring in confusion.

Barry's eyes widened when he saw that Wally was still in the room.

"It's okay, Wally," he said quickly, "I…I just have low blood pressure sometimes. It's nothing serious."

"Barry," Joe said softly, looking at him with sad eyes.

Barry stubbornly shook his head.

"Not now, Joe," he muttered.

Joe nodded with a heavy sigh. Now wasn't the time to push Barry. He would tell Wally when he was ready. Joe knew sooner would be better than later, though. He just wished he could convince Barry of that.

Barry looked nervously around from where he was sitting on the floor. His eyes returned back to Joe's, giving him a worried, questioning look.

"Iris, did she…?"

"She's in bed," Joe assured him.

Barry let out a sigh of relief.

"Good," he whispered, moving to get up.

"Take it slow, Bar," Joe urged, putting a hand on Barry's shoulder to slow him, "Don't get up too fast."

"I'm good," Barry insisted, gratefully accepting the hand Joe offered him.

Joe helped him slowly rise to his feet, but he didn't allow Barry to stand for long, forcing him down on the couch. Wally was still standing there awkwardly, looking unsure of himself.

"It's okay, Wally," Joe assured him once Barry was sitting, "I've got him. It's getting late, and you have a long drive back to the dorms."

Wally seemed to get the hint rather quickly. He nodded and grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder.

"I'll see you around then," he said to Joe.

He still seemed somewhat unsure of himself as he moved toward the door. Before he left, he muttered a quick "feel better" to Barry, his voice somewhat stiff. The tension between the two of them didn't escape Joe's notice, but Joe couldn't really dwell on it right now. He had other concerns.

"What's wrong?" he asked Barry once the front door had closed behind Wally, "What really happened, Bar?"

"I told you," Barry shrugged, "Just low blood pressure."

"Are you sure?" Joe pressed, moving to sit on the couch next to him, "It could be something else. Your blood sugar. The brain tumor."

Barry let out a heavy sigh.

"It's probably the anemia actually," he told him, "My hemoglobin is severely low right now. Caitlin's giving me medication for it, though."

Joe stared at him, an anguished expression on his face. It was really starting now. Barry was actually starting to get sick. His symptoms were becoming more apparent, and they would only get worse over time. Joe knew it was inevitable, but he wasn't prepared for this—for any of it.

"Is there anything else I should know about, Bar?" Joe asked quietly.

"No," Barry answered, perhaps a little too fast, "No, that's it. It's just anemia, and it's not even new. I've been anemic from the start; I just didn't show any symptoms before. It doesn't really change anything."

"Were you feeling sick?" Joe pressed, "After your dialysis, were you feeling sick, Bar?"

Barry let out a small sigh before nodding slowly.

"Only a little," he said sheepishly, "I thought the worst of it had passed."

A heavy sigh escaped Joe's lips as he leaned forward on the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You should have told me," he said, trying to control the frustration in his voice, "Why didn't you just tell me, Barry? I asked you several times. You know I would have rescheduled this meeting with Wally if you had just told me you weren't feeling well."

"Which is why I didn't tell you," Barry whispered, "I didn't want you to cancel. I knew how important this was to you."

Joe took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled, trying to control his temper. He wasn't necessarily angry with Barry. He was just struggling with his own guilt. He should have known tonight wasn't a good night for this. He shouldn't have pushed Barry into working with Wally tonight after he had just had a dialysis session. It was partly Barry's fault for not telling him he was feeling sick, but Joe was chastising himself for not knowing better. He knew Barry well enough. He should have known Barry would lie about it.

"Barry, nothing is more important to me than your health right now," Joe replied in a shaky voice, "Nothing."

He looked up at Barry, his eyes filling with tears.

"Please, don't lie to me about these things," he choked.

Barry looked down at his knees and nodded.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Joe just shook his head. He wasn't trying to make Barry feel guilty. He just wanted him to know how much he cared about him.

"I'm sorry," Joe choked, "I'm sorry I pushed this on you. I should have known better."

Barry quickly shook his head.

"I wanted to do this," he insisted, "I wanted to connect with Wally."

Barry looked down again, a bitter expression on his face.

"I couldn't even do that," he gritted, "Wally hates me. I tried so hard to get along with him, and I blew it. I'm so sorry, Joe."

Joe shook his head, a lump forming in his throat. He saw what he had done now. He had put this all on Barry. As if Barry didn't have enough to deal with at the moment, Joe had gone and made him feel like connecting with Wally was solely his responsibility.

It was hard not to be a little angry with Wally. He was making this so difficult. Joe desperately wanted his sons to get along, but his attempts at doing so were only putting more strain on Barry. Wally didn't know Barry was sick, though. Joe had to keep that in mind. Wally didn't know. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

"This isn't on you, Barry," Joe said firmly, "You're doing everything you can to connect with Wally. I can see how hard you're trying, and it means a lot to me, but this isn't on you."

Joe let out a heavy sigh before continuing.

"And Wally doesn't hate you," he assured him, "He just doesn't know you like we do. He doesn't know a lot of things."

Barry nodded and continued to look down at his lap, not saying anything.

"I'm going to talk to him," Joe decided.

Barry's head shot up.

"Don't," he said seriously, "Talking to him is only going to make it worse."

Barry sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"Look," he sighed, "I know you and Iris love me, but please stop telling Wally all these great things about me, and just tell him the truth. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes."

Joe's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Barry.

"You can't keep doing that, Barry," he whispered.

Barry shook his head at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders," Joe said, giving Barry an understanding look, "I know you've been hurting ever since you came back from earth two. You haven't told us what happened to you there, and I'm not going to pressure you to tell me. I just need you to know that I'm here for you. You don't have to carry everything yourself."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand over his face.

"Thanks, Joe," he whispered, "I know I've been distant lately…before I was even diagnosed. I'm just…trying to put earth two behind me."

"I think that's for the best," Joe nodded, "You have enough to focus on right now without dwelling on earth two."

Barry nodded, but the frown remained fixed on his face.

"I just feel like I left an entire world to Zoom's mercy," he muttered, his hands twisting in his lap.

Joe nodded in understanding. Of course that's what Barry would be thinking about right now. Never mind the fact he was sick. For Barry, his responsibilities to his family and as the Flash trumped everything else.

"You can't think about that right now, Bar," Joe said seriously, "You need to focus on yourself right now. I know you're not very good at that, but you have no choice. You're sick, and you need to think about your own wellbeing now."

Barry nodded thoughtfully, not saying anything. Joe let out a heavy sigh before standing up from the couch.

"Come on," he said gently, "You should be in bed right now. You need to rest."

Without another word, Joe helped Barry slowly stand up from the couch so he could escort him to his room. Barry swayed slightly as they were going up the stairs, but they made it to his bedroom without any problems. Barry was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Joe stood there for a moment, watching Barry sleep, his heart aching for his sick kid. After a moment, Joe sighed and reached for Barry's alarm clock, deactivating his alarm.

Barry wouldn't be going to work tomorrow. Joe would call in a sick day for him and let him sleep in. Barry wouldn't be happy with him, but Joe didn't care. He would take Barry being mad at him over letting him push himself too hard. From now on, Joe was going to do everything he could to ease Barry's stress. He was going to take care of him.

Because Barry certainly wasn't going to do it for himself.

Something was up. Iris could tell. Her dad had been acting strange all week. He had been distracted and distant and…sad.

What she didn't know was why. Every time she asked him about it, he would brush it off by changing the subject.

Iris was left to only guess what had her father so distracted. Maybe he was still recovering from the stress of everything that had happened with Zoom. Zoom was trapped back on his own earth now, though, so that didn't seem likely. Maybe it was everything going on with Wally. The street racing. His strained relationship with Barry.

Maybe it was her. Maybe he was just upset she was leaving for a full month. She had never really gone away from home for that long, and her dad always worried about her. Maybe that was what had him so upset. He was more than just upset, though.

He was sad.

He was borderline depressed lately, and Iris was at a complete loss as to why that was.

Whatever it was, she was going to get to the bottom of it.

"Hey, dad," she greeted cheerfully as she approached his desk.

"Iris," he said in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

"Just bringing you and Barry some lunch," she chimed, holding up the takeout she had gotten them, "Thought I'd surprise you."

Her dad gave her an uneasy smile at these words.

"Thanks, baby girl," he said, "I really appreciate it. Barry would, too, I'm sure, but he's actually not here right now."

"That's okay," she shrugged, "Just give it to him when he gets back."

"No, I mean he's not here at all today," her father clarified, "He took the day off."

Iris frowned at him.

"Why?" she asked, "Where is he?"

"Just at home," her dad shrugged, "He took a sick day. He was out late last night on Flash duty after Wally left. Didn't get any sleep."

"Oh," Iris said, a frown still occupying her face, "Well, in that case, I'll just bring his to the house for him. He hasn't really been taking care of himself as far as eating goes. Does he look like he's losing weight to you?"

Her father looked down at his desk for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Not that I've noticed," he muttered.

Iris frowned at him.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Her father had the same look on his face that she had been seeing for the last week—the look like something wasn't right. She had seen it many times before and knew it well. It was a look of worry.

"Nothing," her father said, forcing a small smile onto his face as he reached into the takeout bag, "Did you get curly fries?"

"Dad, please just tell me what's wrong," Iris persisted, "I can tell something's bothering you. For a detective, you don't have a very good poker face. Something's obviously wrong."

"I'm fine, Iris," he assured her, "I've just been stressed at work. It's nothing."

"You've been acting weird all week," she accused, "Barry has, too. Is this because of my Kenya assignment?"

Her father sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"Yeah," he mumbled, "Yeah, I suppose it is. We're just sad to see you go."

"It's only a month," Iris reasoned, "I'll be back before you know it."

"A lot can happen in a month," her dad muttered, so quietly she wasn't sure if she had been meant to hear it.

"You don't have to worry about me," she assured him, "I'll be fine. I won't leave the dig site, and I'll stay with the CCPN team the entire time. I'll be safe."

Her dad nodded and gave her a sad smile.

"I know," he said quietly, "I know I can trust you to be smart."

Iris smiled at him and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Good," she sighed, "I'll see you later then."

As she was starting to leave, Iris spun around.

"And yes, by the way," she said, "I did get you curly fries."

Her father's smile widened slightly.

"Thanks, baby girl."

Iris's lips twitched slightly, her smile not quite meeting her eyes.

"Anytime."

This was disgusting. It was just downright nasty and exhausting. He hadn't even started chemo yet. Why was he always throwing up?

Caitlin said nausea was a normal symptom of late-stage leukemia, but Barry hadn't realized how annoying it would be.

Although he had initially been upset with Joe, Barry was now glad he had forced him to stay home from work today. He really needed this rest day, and it was always inconvenient trying to deal with his nausea at work. Thankfully, there was a second floor bathroom at the CCPD that was right next to his lab. Few people used it, so the handful of times Barry had been sick at work, no one had walked in on him.

He wished he could say the same for the bathroom at home.

Barry was just rinsing his mouth out at the sink when he suddenly heard a light tap on the bathroom door. A heavy sigh escaped his chest. It was probably Joe on his lunch break, stopping in to check on him. Barry knew he didn't have to hide his nausea from Joe, but he still tried to keep the number of times Joe walked in on him being sick to a minimum. It wasn't something he wanted an audience for.

"I'm fine, Joe," Barry sighed tiredly as he opened the bathroom door.

And then he froze. It wasn't Joe standing on the other side of the door. Iris was standing in front of him, a fast food takeout bag in her hand and a confused expression on her face.

"Iris," Barry said in surprise.

"Hey," she said, furrowing her eyebrows at him as she took in his rough appearance, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Barry said quickly, "I was just—"

"You look like you've been crying, Barry," she said in concern.

Barry internally cursed himself. He knew his eyes were bloodshot and watery from vomiting. They always were.

"I'm fine," he assured her quickly, "I just…spilled some aftershave. The smell was overwhelming."

Stupid. It was the lamest excuse he had ever come up with. Iris gave him a skeptical look, clearly not believing his excuse for his watery eyes. Thankfully, she didn't press the issue. If she thought something was wrong, she knew him well enough to know he didn't want to talk about it.

"I got you some food," she sighed, clearly irritated by his half-assed excuse, "Thought I'd drop by and deliver it to you."

Barry's stomach lurched as he glanced at the Big Belly Burger bag in her hand. Just the smell alone was making his already empty stomach twinge menacingly with disgust. It took everything he had not to slam the bathroom door in Iris's face and dive for the toilet again.

"You didn't have to do that," he said, forcing a smile, "That's so sweet of you. Thank you."

Iris gave him a small smile as she handed him the bag. Barry did his best not to gag from the smell as they made their way downstairs to the dining room.

"Dad said you had a late night," Iris said as they sat down at the table, "Said it was Flash business."

"Yeah," Barry confirmed, gritting his teeth in guilt with the lie, "I didn't get too much sleep."

"What was it?" Iris asked curiously, "Anything I can write about?"

Barry quickly shook his head.

"Just a public intoxication," he lied, "I got the guy off the street before he could hurt himself. Nothing too crazy."

Iris nodded slowly, and then her eyes flitted to the takeout bag on the table.

"Are you going to eat?" she asked, her eyes narrowing slightly, observing him.

"Y-yeah," Barry said, forcing a smile.

Barry kept the uneasy smile planted on his face as he reluctantly opened the bag, pulling out a Super Royal with cheese. Of course, Iris had to go and get him four large burgers with the works. Just the smell of the greasy food made him want to puke as he unwrapped the burger, Iris watching him carefully the entire time.

Barry tried not to grimace as he took the first bite. He instantly felt the storm of nausea in his stomach return with a vengeance. It took everything he had not to spit out the repulsive mush in his mouth. How had he ever enjoyed this? How had he ever eaten fifty of these burgers in one sitting?! It didn't even taste like food to him now. It was just a repulsive mix of ketchup, mustard, and pickles.

It was torture.

"Swallow, Barry," Iris said calmly, still watching him carefully.

Barry tried not to shudder as he forced himself to swallow, unable to stop himself from turning his head to the side in disgust as the bite of food slowly worked its way down his throat, protesting the entire way.

"What's wrong with you?" Iris asked quietly, studying his face, "Why can't you eat lately?"

"What do you mean?" Barry shrugged, trying to sound casual, "I'm eating."

"No, you're not," she retorted calmly, "You've barely eaten anything this past week. I'm a reporter, Barry. You really think I haven't noticed? You think I haven't noticed the weight you've lost?"

"I haven't lost weight," Barry denied, his heartrate picking up, "I've been eating just fine. What are you talking about?"

Iris sighed, her expression growing more irritated.

"What do you weigh?" she asked quietly.

"One-eighty-five," Barry lied, his throat becoming dry.

He had just weighed himself yesterday. He was one-seventy-one now. He had already lost fourteen pounds over the last three weeks since getting back from earth two, and he hadn't even started chemo yet.

It was only going to get worse.

"Why are you lying to me?" Iris whispered, her eyes filling with tears, "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I…" Barry choked, "I'm not…"

He let out a heavy sigh then.

"Okay, I've lost a little weight," he admitted in a strained voice, "It's really not a big deal, though. Since I got my powers, my weight has always had a tendency to fluctuate every now and then. It's just a side effect of my metabolism, not anything to be concerned about."

"But your eating is," Iris persisted seriously, "Barry, I've seen you polish off three trays of lasagna by yourself. Now, you can't even eat a burger."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand over his face. He didn't know what to say. He should have known Iris would catch onto his lack of appetite eventually. He didn't think it would be this quickly, though. He shouldn't have underestimated her investigative skills.

"Bar," Iris said in a strained voice, "If you have some kind of…eating problem or something, you know it's okay to tell me, right? I can help you."

"I don't," Barry said quickly, "I don't have a—"

"It's not just women, you know," Iris said supportively, "Guys have issues with food too sometimes, and if this is something that you're dealing with, there's no shame in asking for h—"

"I'm not manorexic, Iris," Barry laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Then why aren't you eating?" Iris asked, not laughing with him.

The smile quickly slid from Barry's face, and he let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his temples with his fingers.

"I don't have any eating issues," he assured her seriously, "I promise."

"Well, what is it then?" she pressed, tears welling in her eyes, "Is it stress? Is it earth two? You've been acting strange ever since you got back from there, Barry. What is it that you're not telling us?"

Barry took a deep breath and let it out slowly, running a hand through his hair.

"A lot happened on earth two," he said quietly after a moment, "It's not something I really want to talk about."

"Why?" Iris pressed, "Please, Barry, talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you. You can't just keep everything in all the time. You need to lean on the people closest to you. I thought that was me. I thought you told me everything, but it feels like since you became the Flash, all you ever do is keep secrets from me. Do you realize how much that hurts, Bar?"

Barry's hands balled up into fists under the table, his heart aching in his chest. He owed it to her. He owed Iris the truth. She didn't deserve to be constantly lied to, even if it was only for her own wellbeing. He couldn't tell her, though. It wasn't even about him or his fear of seeing her reaction. It was about her. Her job. Her happiness. She had worked so hard to establish her place at the CCPN, and now she had been given the opportunity of a lifetime, a career-altering opportunity.

He couldn't take that from her.

"We were married."

He didn't know why he said it. He didn't ever plan on telling Iris about their lives on earth two. He couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth, though. It was one less secret. It was one less secret for him to hide from her. He could at least tell her one truth. He owed her as much.

"W-what?" Iris asked, her eyes going wide.

Clearly she had not been expecting that answer.

"On earth two," Barry said quietly, "We were married."

Iris blinked at him, her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as she processed his words.

"We were…"

"We lived in this house," Barry said in a strained voice, "On earth two, our doppelgangers. I was still a CSI, but you were the cop in the family. You were so amazing, Iris. So strong. And Joe…"

Barry shook his head, a small laugh escaping his lips despite the tears forming in his eyes.

"Joe was a lounge singer," he chuckled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "He didn't like me too much, though. He didn't approve of our marriage."

Iris stared at Barry as he explained, her face screwed up in thought as she processed what he was telling her.

"We…" Barry choked, "We went to go see him perform. He had an amazing voice. I wish you could have heard him."

A small, sad laugh escaped Barry's lips, but the smile quickly slid from his face as he took in a shaky breath.

"And then everything went wrong," he said quietly, his hands clenching into fists, "Some metas who worked for Zoom showed up. They knew I wasn't supposed to be there. A…a fight broke out, and…Joe got caught in the crossfire. He…he died, Iris."

"Barry…" Iris whispered, reaching out to put her hand over his.

Barry shook his head and wiped a tear from his eye.

"I know it wasn't really him," he choked, "It wasn't…this life, but…watching that happen in front of me, living that…it didn't feel any different because…it was all still real. And Jay warned me not to get emotionally sucked in when I went there…and that's exactly what happened."

Barry had to swallow back the lump in his throat as he spoke, tears now streaming freely down his face.

"And now Joe West on earth two is dead," he choked, "Because I showed up."

Iris had tears in her eyes now as she slowly shook her head.

"Barry," she whispered, "That's not your fault."

Barry nodded his head, staring down at the table as he wiped his eyes, finally allowing himself to voice aloud what he had been thinking ever since he had gotten back from earth two.

"Yeah, it is my fault," he choked, "It's all my fault. Zoom. Jay's death. It's all because of me. And then I just…left an entire world at Zoom's mercy. I'm focusing on myself right now when other people are dying because of me."

Barry wiped the tears from his face, his breath hitching in his throat.

"I deserve this," he whispered to himself.

Iris shook her head and gave his hand a small squeeze.

"Barry," she said softly, "None of this is your fault. You don't deserve to be going through this pain. You're a hero, Barry. You've done everything you can to keep people safe. You tried to stop Zoom. You rescued Jesse. Earth two was never your burden to bear, but you're carrying the weight of it like it is. It's time to let go of that now. Before it consumes you."

Barry nodded slowly and wiped his eyes. Her words weren't much consolation to him, though. It wasn't what Barry wanted to hear. He didn't want someone to tell him it wasn't his fault. That only made it worse. He wanted someone to finally say it out loud, that it was his fault. He wanted Iris to rage and scream at him. He wanted someone else to take on some of the hatred he felt for himself.

He didn't want them defending him, defending the perfect version of him that they had painted in Wally's head. Barry wanted them to blame him, to point their fingers at him and finally tell him like it was. He didn't want them to comfort and swaddle him. Now that he was sick, though, he would be getting nothing but comfort and swaddling.

It didn't absolve him of his guilt, though.

"Is this why you haven't been eating?" Iris asked quietly, pulling him from his thoughts, "Guilt?"

Barry sucked in a strained breath and nodded.

"I guess so," he lied, "I just haven't had much of an appetite since I got back from earth two."

Iris gave his hand another small squeeze.

"I know you're dealing with a lot right now," she said quietly, "But you need to take care of yourself. Please, Barry. Your health is important to me. I don't want to watch you waste away in front of me. I know you have a lot weighing on your mind, but you need to eat more, okay? For me?"

Barry wiped his face and nodded, giving her a sad smile. He then reached out for the food she had gotten him, determined to finish it in front of her.

He was hunched over the toilet for an hour after she left.