Goodbye

Twenty minutes left. That was it. Just twenty minutes, and he'd be done with dialysis, hopefully for good. Hopefully, this would be his last session, and he'd never have to be hooked up to the dreaded machine again.

"It's important you get a good night's sleep tonight, Barry," Caitlin was telling him, "Eat whatever you can and drink plenty of fluids."

"Caitlin?" Barry said, giving her an uneasy look, "Do you think…maybe, we could wait a few days before starting chemo? Do we have to start it tomorrow?"

Caitlin frowned at him.

"Why would you want to wait?"

Barry sighed and shook his head.

"I just have a lot going on at work," he said quickly, "It'd be nice to have a few days to get things in order first."

"Barry," Joe said seriously, giving him a knowing look.

Barry let out a heavy sigh.

"And, okay, yes," he said, "Iris is leaving in a couple days, and I wanted to wait until she was gone."

"Allen," Harry said, standing in the far corner of the room, "You know how important this is, right?"

Harry and Jesse had only just been told about Barry's situation, and both seemed fully intent on supporting him through it. Harry was taking it particularly seriously, considering he owed Barry his daughter's life. He was feeling immensely guilty that now, after everything, Barry was sick.

"I know it's important," Barry sighed, "I'm not trying to stall because I'm…scared or anything. I know we need to start my treatment right away. I just don't think it's a big deal to wait three more days. It will be so much easier to deal with all this once Iris is out of the way, especially since we don't know how well I'm going to tolerate the chemo."

"Speaking of which," Joe said seriously, "You need to take off of work, Bar."

Barry opened his mouth to protest, but Joe continued.

"You don't know how you're going to function with the chemo at first," he said reasonably, "If it's not too bad, maybe you can continue to work, but this is your first round of treatment. You need to take a few days off to see how you respond to it."

Barry let out a heavy sigh.

"Yeah, you're right," he admitted reluctantly, "I'll just use a few vacation days then."

"Or you could use sick days," Joe said gently, "You should just tell Singh what's going on, Bar. You're entitled to take a sick leave for this kind of thing. You only have so many vacation days to burn."

"I really don't want to tell him, Joe," Barry said in a strained voice.

"Singh would keep it confidential," Joe assured him, "It's not like the whole force would find out. I don't know why you're so worried about people knowing you're sick. It's all going to come out eventually. What difference does it make if it's now or later?"

Barry ran a hand over his face and let out a heavy sigh. He couldn't help but be overwhelmed by Joe's words. Joe was just trying to be real with him, trying to get Barry to face his reality. Barry wasn't in denial, though. He knew Joe was right. He knew everyone would know eventually. It did make a difference when they found out, though.

"Work is the only place where I still feel normal," Barry said quietly, "When I'm there…it's easier to act like nothing's happening. I just…I want to hold onto that feeling a little longer."

Joe nodded sadly at Barry, putting a hand on his shoulder in understanding.

"Things aren't normal right now, Barry," he said somberly, his voice gentle, "I would give anything for this to not be happening to you, but it is. We can't ignore it."

Barry nodded and wiped his eyes.

"I called my dad yesterday," he whispered.

Everyone gave him sad looks of understanding.

"Did you tell him?" Cisco asked quietly.

Barry looked down at the floor and shook his head.

"No," he mumbled, "I couldn't. I was going to, but…he sounded so happy. So carefree. I couldn't bring myself to tell him."

"Would it be easier if I told him, Bar?" Joe asked sadly, "I could call him for you."

Barry quickly shook his head.

"No," he said, "No, it should come from me. He deserves to hear it from me. It's bad enough that he's already going to find out over the phone."

"Why isn't he here?" Jesse blurted angrily, "Why isn't he here with you? Caitlin told me he just got out of prison after being there for fourteen years. Why did he go and leave town then, instead of spending time with his son?"

"You don't know my dad," Barry defended, "He's been through a lot. He deserves a chance to roam free after being incarcerated for so long. He didn't leave me. He just thought it would be best for me to not have him around. So I can be the Flash. He knows that being the Flash is important to me."

Barry looked down and realized how tightly his hands were clenched. He deflated then, a large breath escaping his chest as he hung his head.

"Barry," Caitlin said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I know," he said quietly, "I know I can't be the Flash right now. I can barely even run anymore without getting dizzy. I can't protect this city the way I am now. It just…hurts. It hurts that I have to abandon everyone so I can take care of myself."

"There can't be a Flash if you're dead," Harry said seriously, "I know it sucks, Allen, but you need to take care of yourself now."

Barry nodded, swallowing back the lump in his throat.

"I just want to get this over with quickly," he sighed, looking over to Caitlin, "I don't want you to hold back. Use the highest dose of chemo you can. Just get it over with. Hit me with everything you've got."

Caitlin nodded sadly at him.

"I'm giving you the most aggressive treatment I can," she assured him, "I'm not going light with it. If it's too much for you, though, Barry, you need to tell me. I know you want to beat this thing as fast as possible, but if we do too much too fast, your body might not be able to handle it. Pushing yourself too hard could be counterproductive."

"What should we expect?" Joe asked nervously, "With the chemo, what should we be expecting?"

Caitlin gave Barry an uneasy look before answering Joe's question.

"Really, it's going to intensify the symptoms he already has," she told them, "Fatigue, lack of appetite, vomiting, fever, chills. It can cause difficulty breathing in some cases, and because of the tumors in his lungs, I'd say that's a strong possibility. We…we might start seeing some side effects from the brain tumor as well."

At these words, Barry's head whipped up, wide eyes locking with the doctor's.

"But I haven't been experiencing any cognitive effects," he said, a hint of fear in his voice.

"I know," Caitlin said quickly, "I know you haven't. I'm just saying it's a possibility. Chemo affects the brain just as much as other organs. Many people experience confusion. 'Chemo brain' is what it's referred to as."

"How severe of confusion are we talking, Caitlin?" Joe asked seriously.

Caitlin bit her lip, looking down at the floor.

"It's impossible to say," she said in a strained voice, "It affects everyone differently. Barry might not experience it at all. He might stay sharp the entire time he's going through treatment, or he might experience…dementia-like effects. The tumor is in his frontal lobe, an area of the brain that controls personality and cognitive reasoning. If he starts experiencing symptoms, the effects of the tumor could cause some…drastic changes in his thinking. All we can really do is wait and see."

Everyone nodded sadly at her explanation. Barry sucked in a deep breath and let it out shakily, giving Joe a small smile when he squeezed his shoulder.

"We'll get through this, Bar," Joe assured him, "You have nothing to be afraid of."

Barry smiled sadly at him and squeezed his hand.

"I know," he said quietly, "I'll be fine. I just need to get through this treatment and then my healing with have me back good as new again."

Joe nodded, and everyone in the room smiled encouragingly at Barry. Caitlin, however, was biting her lip, a nervous look on her face.

"Everyone, can I please have a moment alone with Barry?" she asked suddenly.

Everyone gave her confused looks but nodded. They all slowly filtered out of the room, glancing back curiously at them as they left. As soon as they were alone, Barry looked expectantly at Caitlin, who was still biting her lip.

"What is it, Caitlin?" he whispered.

He was expecting the worst, knowing full-well that Caitlin wouldn't have cleared the room unless she had something serious she needed to discuss with him.

"There's something I need to tell you before you start your chemo," she said in a small voice.

Barry nodded, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he waited for her to continue. Caitlin took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair.

"Your regenerative healing should help you recover quickly once you get through treatment, but the chemo might have some…lasting effects."

"Lasting effects?" Barry whispered, his stomach clenching, "What lasting effects?"

"Chemotherapy," Caitlin said gently, "It can sometimes cause infertility."

Barry blinked at her. It was the last thing he had been expecting her to say. He had thought she was about to tell him something way more serious. His fertility had been the last thing on his mind.

"Oh," he said quietly, "I…I guess I kind of already knew that. It's…fine. It's not a big…"

Barry let out a heavy sigh, unable to continue his train of thought.

Now that he really thought about it, it wasn't fine. Nothing about this whole thing was fine. What she was telling him was that even if they treated him and beat the cancer, he might never be able to father children. He would never be a parent. His family tree would die out with him. He would be the last Allen. The thought was like a punch to the gut for him.

"Barry," Caitlin said gently, "I know it's a lot to take in. It is a big deal, which is why I want to give you time to process it."

"Why?" he asked, "It's not like giving me time is going to change it."

"Yes, but there are other things that I want you to consider. You still have other options available to you."

"Adoption," Barry sighed, "I know."

"Well, not just that," she said, "First of all, I want to make it clear that this isn't a sure thing. There's still a good chance that you won't lose your fertility. There's a chance that with your young age and your healing capabilities, you'll fully recover and won't have any problems with conception down the road. After your treatment, once you've reached remission, we can start looking at different treatments to help increase your chances of regaining fertility. There are different hormone replacement therapy options we can look at to increase sperm production."

She sighed before continuing.

"Also, there are some steps we can take to ensure that you can still have children later on, even if you don't regain fertility."

Barry stared at her curiously, waiting for her to continue.

"We could always store your sperm," she said gently, earning a slight blush from him, "Sperm banks last for about thirty to forty years and possibly even longer in your case. By saving your sperm now, we can ensure that one day when you're ready for children, you would still have the option available to you."

Barry sighed and buried his face in his hands as Caitlin surveyed him nervously. He would give anything not to be here right now, sitting in this medical room discussing with Caitlin how he could still possibly have children one day, given that he survives all the treatments he was about to go through. It was all too much.

"I'm going to give you some time," Caitlin said gently to him, "Go home. Think about it. I encourage you to do your own research on it. You can come back tomorrow with any questions you might have, and before we do your first treatment, we can look into the sperm banking option if you decide that that's something you want to do."

Barry lifted his face from his hands to look at her before nodding gratefully.

"Thanks, Caitlin," he said quietly.

His voice sounded miserable even to his own ears.

"I'll call you as soon as my plane lands," Iris promised her father, pulling him in for a hug.

"Be safe, baby girl," Joe said, his heart aching as he hugged her.

Iris smiled warmly at him as they broke apart. She moved to hug Barry then, but she suddenly stopped in her tracks, her eyes going wide.

"Oh, my God!" she gasped.

"What?" Joe and Barry both asked in unison.

"My carry-on!" Iris shrieked, "I left it at home!"

Joe let out a sigh of frustration. It was a two-hour drive to the airport, and Iris's plane was boarding in ten minutes. Iris suddenly turned to Barry then, giving him a pleading look. Joe's stomach plummeted.

No.

"I've got it," Barry assured her.

Joe's eyes went wide. Faster than he thought himself capable of, Joe shot his hand out and yanked on Barry's arm before he could take off.

"Barry," he gritted, firmly gripping Barry's arm.

"I've got it, Joe," Barry muttered, giving him a meaningful look.

Joe subtly shook his head, his eyes narrowing.

"We can send it to you," he said desperately, turning to Iris, "We'll ship it to you as soon as we get home."

Iris's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Why on earth would you do that?" she asked incredulously, "It would take days to get there! And I have all my necessities in it. I can't get on this plane without—"

Iris was cut off by a strong gust of wind. Joe's hand, which had been firmly gripping Barry's arm a moment ago, was now clutching at the air. Joe felt his chest constrict.

"What's wrong with you?" Iris asked him in confusion after Barry had taken off.

Joe didn't answer her. He spun around where he was standing, looking frantically through the airport, his stomach twisting as he waited for the streak of lightning to return.

Please. Let Barry get back safely.

As a few minutes went by, Joe's mind went into overdrive. What if he passed out? What if he got dizzy and ran into a car? What if he tripped and wiped out while moving at hundreds of miles per hour?

"Dad," Iris demanded, "What's wr—?"

A crack of lightning and a gust of air. Barry was suddenly standing in front of them, Iris's bag in hand.

"Thank God!" Iris sighed in relief, taking the bag from him, "Thank you so much, Bar! You're a lifesaver!"

Barry managed to give her an uneasy smile as he clutched his side, gasping for air.

"Go," he breathed, "You're going to miss your flight."

Iris grinned at him and pecked him on the cheek.

"I'll see you in a month," she said quickly, pulling him into a brief one-armed hug before slinging her bag over her shoulder, "Bye, guys!"

She waved happily at them as she rushed away, anxious to board her plane. Joe managed to utter a quick "bye" to her before turning his attention to Barry. He was white as a sheet, a sheer sheen of sweat on his forehead. He was hunched slightly where he stood, his legs shaking dangerously beneath him.

"Come, Barry," Joe said quickly, wrapping an arm around Barry's waist to guide him to a nearby bench.

Barry sank down into the seat with a sigh, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Joe sat next to him, watching him worriedly with his lips pressed tightly together, not saying anything.

"I'm sorry," Barry breathed after a moment, "I know I shouldn't be running."

"No, you shouldn't," Joe agreed seriously, watching Barry catch his breath with furrowed eyebrows, "That was a two-hundred mile run, Barry. What were you thinking?!"

"What was I supposed to do?" Barry demanded, "How would I have explained it to her?"

Joe frowned and shook his head at him.

"I would have rather told her the truth than have you risking your health," he said gravely, "You could have passed out. You could have been hit by a car. Or you could have—"

"I'm not that fragile, Joe," Barry said irritably, "I ran it just fine. I'm just a little winded, that's all."

Joe shook his head seriously at him.

"You start chemo tomorrow," he said, "You're supposed to be taking it easy."

"Well, I didn't have much of a choice," Barry snapped, "I wasn't exactly going to tell her I'm sick five minutes before she gets on a plane to Kenya."

Joe sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"We should get on the road," he sighed, "You need to get home so you can rest before your treatment tomorrow."

Barry nodded, his lips pressed tightly together. He was still pale, his skin now a slight grayish color. Joe frowned as he studied Barry's face.

"Come on," he said, "You can sleep in the car on the way home."

"I'm not that tired," Barry insisted as they stood up.

Joe rolled his eyes. Barry could be stubborn all he wanted, but he couldn't fool Joe. He looked dead on his feet. Sure enough, as soon as they were on the road, Barry was out like a light in the passenger seat.

He slept the entire ride home.