Fine

Cisco stood awkwardly near the bed, not knowing what to do. He felt out of place. He had sometimes assisted Caitlin with basic medical procedures in the past, but that was always in emergencies, when there was a major trauma involved and she needed all the hands she could get. When Barry's life was on the line.

Right now, Barry's life was on the line, but this was so different. He wasn't bleeding out. He wasn't poisoned or stabbed or whammied by some metahuman.

He was sick.

It wasn't like the coma either, and that was for two reasons: for one, Barry was awake. He was aware of his situation, alert and oriented to experience all of it. For another, Barry wasn't a stranger; he was Cisco's best friend. He was no longer just some random patient to treat, and they couldn't go into a panic doctor mode like they did when he had been hurt. They couldn't just focus on the medicine.

There were more emotions at play here.

"I'm going to insert the IV now, Barry," Caitlin said gently.

Barry nodded as he laid his head back against the pillow. He was wearing the gown again. He had tried to protest against it, but Caitlin said it was only so he could change his clothes with his IV in. The detachable sleeves made everything so much easier. Barry was still at least able to keep his sweatpants on, though.

Cisco's gut clenched slightly when he watched Caitlin put in the IV. Really, he had seen her insert countless IVs for Barry before, but this time was different. This time, the IV wasn't to deliver medicine or saline fluids.

They were injecting poison into Barry's veins.

Barry didn't even look scared, though. To Cisco's amazement, Barry's face was smooth, controlled.

Barry was calm.

"Wait," Cisco said suddenly, when Caitlin moved to attach the tubing.

Caitlin paused in her movements, giving him a questioning look. Barry was looking at him with a similar expression.

"We promised Joe we would wait for him," Cisco reminded them.

Barry let out a heavy sigh.

"The medication is going to take at least a full hour to infuse," he said impatiently, "Joe will still get to be here for most of it. He doesn't have to be here when we start the infusion."

"Are you sure?" Caitlin asked, holding up the primed tubing in her hand, "We can wait for him."

"I'm sure," Barry said firmly, "I just want to get this over with."

"Alright," Caitlin sighed, "And are you sure you still want to go with the seventy milliliters? This is concentrated stuff, Barry. It's thirty-five units per—"

"I'm sure," Barry insisted, "I helped you create the CP22, Caitlin. I…I know how strong it is. I'm sure about the dosage."

Caitlin nodded sadly at him.

"Okay," she whispered.

Cisco felt a deep churning in his gut as he watched Caitlin attach the tubing and start the infusion.

"Just try to relax, Barry," she instructed as she adjusted the drip rate for the medication, "I'm going to infuse it slowly. It will take longer, but hopefully it will help your body acclimate gradually to the chemo."

Barry let out a heavy sigh, a less than pleased look on his face as he nodded. He let his head fall back against the pillow, closing his eyes. A few minutes passed in silence. Cisco wrung his hands as he stood there, watching Caitlin silently monitor Barry's vitals.

He didn't know what to do. Harry and Jesse had left the room, deciding to give Barry space while he was receiving treatment. Cisco wondered awkwardly if he should have done the same. His presence didn't really serve a function here, and now the room had gone so awkwardly quiet.

After a few moments contemplation, Cisco decided against leaving. He was here to support his friend, even if doing so made him feel out of place. It shouldn't matter that he was uncomfortable. What mattered was supporting Barry.

With this thought in mind, Cisco circled around the bed, heading for the chair next to Barry's bedside. Barry's eyes opened when he heard Cisco sit down next to him. He looked over at Cisco and gave him a small smile as he held out his hand.

Cisco smiled and wiped a tear from his eye before taking it, giving Barry's hand a small squeeze.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Barry gave him a small, reassuring smile.

"Fine," he said calmly, "I don't even feel it yet."

"Trust me, Barry," Caitlin said sadly, staring at his EKG, "You're going to feel it. Within the next half hour or so, you'll notice its effects. You're only ten minutes in, and your heart rhythm is already changing."

Barry took a deep breath and nodded.

"I'll be fine," he said quietly, taking deep shaky breaths, "I'm fine."

Within the next thirty minutes, however, Caitlin made good on her promise. Forty minutes into his infusion, Barry started to sweat.

"You doing okay, man?" Cisco asked sadly.

Barry nodded as a shudder ran through him.

"I'm starting to feel it now," he admitted.

"What are you feeling, Barry?" Caitlin asked gently, "Can you describe the effects?"

Barry nodded and sucked in a sharp breath as he rubbed his temple.

"My head is killing me," he said, "It feels like it's going to split in two. And I'm freezing. I can't stop shivering."

"You're burning up," Caitlin said, feeling his forehead, "You have a fever."

"But I have the chills," Barry insisted, a shudder running through him, "I need some more blankets."

"I'm sorry, Barry," Caitlin said softly, an apologetic look on her face, "I'm trying to keep your temperature down right now. You'll just have to endure it. I'm so sorry."

Barry sighed heavily and closed his eyes. He gave Cisco's hand a small squeeze, and Cisco squeezed it back. Then, out of nowhere, Cisco suddenly gasped and yanked his hand out of Barry's, clutching it to his chest.

"Did you just shock me, man?" Cisco gasped, curling and stretching his numb fingers.

"Did I?" Barry asked in confusion.

"You definitely did," Cisco chuckled, giving his hand a small shake to regain feeling.

Barry frowned at him. He had never done that before. Granted, Iris said she had been shocked by him once when he was in his coma, but that was different. He had been unconscious at the time. He was awake now, and he had full control of his powers. Or at least, he thought he did.

"I'm sorry," Barry said quietly.

"It's alright," Cisco assured him with a small laugh, "It just scared the crap out of me."

Barry laughed lightly. Cisco couldn't help but smile. He couldn't believe Barry was actually laughing while getting a chemotherapy treatment right now.

"What's so funny?" a voice came from the doorway.

The three of them all looked up to see Joe standing there, a confused look on his face. His eyes widened when they landed on the tubing in Barry's arm.

"You started?!" he asked, spinning on Caitlin, "You started without me?"

"Joe," Barry said, "I told her to start the infusion. I just wanted to get it over with."

Joe shook his head, a hurt look on his face. He deflated slightly then, letting out a heavy sigh as he took the chair next to Cisco by Barry's bed.

"I know I'm late," he sighed as he sank down in the chair, "I told Singh I was only going in for a half day today, but then a case came up right near the end of my shift and—"

"Joe," Barry cut him off, "It's fine. You didn't miss anything. I'm doing perfectly fine."

Joe gave Barry a surveying look, disbelief in his eyes as he looked Barry up and down.

"How's he doing?" he asked Caitlin then, to Barry's annoyance, "How's he doing, really?"

Caitlin gave him a small, reassuring smile.

"Better than I was expecting," she said softly, "His vitals are steady, and he's still awake and talking to us, which I consider impressive at this point."

"I'm fine," Barry insisted again, "I feel fine. I just have a headache and a slight fever, nothing I can't handle."

Joe smiled proudly at Barry and put a hand on his shoulder.

"That's my boy," he said softly, earning a small smile from Barry.

Unfortunately, Barry wasn't able to stay smiling for very long. Another twenty minutes went by, and once Barry reached the hour mark, he wasn't able to hide his discomfort any longer. His skin took on a sickly greenish tint, and Barry started to talk less and less. He just laid in bed, shivering uncontrollably with his eyes closed.

"Barry?" Caitlin asked, "Are you still doing okay?"

"Fine," Barry mumbled without opening his eyes, not saying another word.

"Are you feeling nauseated, Barry?" Caitlin asked sadly.

"No."

"Can I get you some water or anything?"

"No."

Caitlin let out a tired sigh, not satisfied with his one-word replies. Barry was intentionally saying as little as possible, and she knew the reason. Barry looked like he was trying with all his might not to puke in front of them.

"Here," Caitlin sighed, pressing an emesis basin into his hands.

Barry opened his eyes, looked at it, and nodded. He didn't even try to fight it then. He threw up immediately, finally allowing himself to be sick. Their stomachs all churned in sympathy as they watched Barry gag repeatedly. He seemed like he wasn't going to stop, even though very little was even coming up. He was mostly dry heaving.

At least he wasn't holding it back for their benefit anymore.

"I'm sorry," Barry sighed when Caitlin finally took the emesis basin away from him.

"Don't apologize, Bar," Joe said, rubbing small circles into the back of Barry's hand, "You're doing so good."

"M'tired," Barry mumbled, his eyes sliding shut.

"It's okay, Barry," Caitlin soothed, "Don't try to fight it. Just let yourself rest."

"'Kay," Barry mumbled tiredly, his eyes closed.

A moment later, a soft rumbling sound whirred in the back of Barry's throat as he allowed himself to fall asleep. They all couldn't help but be relieved. It had been painful to watch Barry fight it for so long.

"He's so damn stubborn," Joe sighed, shaking his head as he looked down at Barry.

"Agreed," Caitlin said tiredly, rubbing her eyes, "I've been waiting for him to pass out for the last half hour. He fought it longer than I thought he would."

"I'm going to go call Iris," Joe sighed, "She called me thirty minutes ago, but I let it go to voicemail. I was trying to get here as fast as possible."

As Joe stood and left the room, Caitlin returned her attention to Barry's heart monitor, mumbling something about vomiting and electrolyte imbalances. She stared at Barry's monitor with scary intensity, even for a doctor. Cisco, however, was looking at Barry's face.

He was still sound asleep, his forehead slightly crinkled, even as he rested. God, he was so pale. Cisco didn't think Barry could even get any whiter, but Barry had definitely proved him wrong. His skin looked like it was made of porcelain.

Cisco desperately hoped it wouldn't get much worse than this. This, they could handle. Barry was strong. He could handle coming in for a couple hours every week to throw up a little and take a nap. As long as this was the worst it got, Barry would be fine. It would suck, but he would be fine. He was strong enough to make it through this.

Cisco just wished he knew what to expect.

He sucked in a small breath then when an idea suddenly occurred to him. Cisco glanced nervously at Caitlin, who was still watching Barry's EKG, jotting down notes, and then he looked at Barry again.

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't. Barry wouldn't want him to.

But how could Cisco not? There was so much uncertainty surrounding Barry's illness right now. Cisco had to know.

With another nervous glance at Barry's sleeping face, Cisco slowly reached his hand out, gently wrapping his fingers around Barry's limp hand. His vision shifted almost immediately. Cisco sucked in a breath as a room appeared before him.

It was the same room. He was still in the med bay. But everything was so different.

Someone was screaming.

"We can still save him!"

Iris was fighting with her father, throwing punches and elbows as she tried to free herself from his grasp.

"It's not too late! We can save Barry!"

Everyone else was in the room, too, including Henry and Wally. They all were looking at the bed. Cisco took a deep breath before following their gaze. When his eyes landed on Barry, his blood ran cold.

He didn't even look like Barry anymore. He looked like a stranger. His hair was gone, and his face was nearly unrecognizable with how gaunt it had become. Had Cisco thought Barry couldn't get any paler? Well, it appeared he could, except now he was more than just white.

His skin was translucent.

Countless machines were attached to Barry, tangling together in a mess of medical tubes and wires. An oxygen mask covered most of Barry's face, but not enough so that Cisco couldn't see the dark circles under his closed eyes or the dried tearstains down his cheeks. Cisco took all of this in for a moment, numbed by shock. That's why he didn't immediately notice the straight line glaring on Barry's EKG.

Barry's heart wasn't beating.

Joe sobbed as he struggled to hold onto his hysterical daughter.

"We can't, Iris. It's not what Barry wants," he cried, "We have to let him go."

"Dad, please!" Iris shouted, now practically hitting him to try to get to Barry.

Cisco stared at the scene in disbelief. Why wasn't anyone doing anything?! Barry was coding! Cisco saw himself standing on the other side of the room, a haunted look on his face. Why wasn't he doing something?!

Iris seemed to be the only one sharing these thoughts.

"What's wrong with all of you?!" she yelled at them, "Why are you all just standing there?! Save him!"

They all looked brokenly at her, no one moving.

"Iris," Caitlin said gently, "It's not what Barry wants. He knew what he was doing when he made his decision, and we need to honor that. We told him that we wouldn't interfere if he coded again."

"But we can save him!" she cried, "We have what we need to save him now!"

"It's too late, Iris," Henry choked, stepping forward, "I know I owe Barry my life, and I wish more than anything that I could repay that debt, but it's too late. Even if he survives the procedure, we'd still be putting him through—"

"I'm not going to let it end like this!" Iris screamed, "I'm not going to let him give up! We can't let Zoom win like this!"

In an instant, Iris landed a sharp elbow to her father's gut and finally broke free from his hold. She scrambled over to Barry, placing her hands on the center of his bare chest to push down on it with all her might.

"Help me!" Iris cried to the others, "Please! Help! It's too soon! I'm not ready! I can't lose him! Please!"

Cisco could barely breathe as he watched Iris futilely try to save Barry. She leaned over and gave him two rescue breaths before resuming her compressions.

"Why are you all just standing there?!" she sobbed, "Why aren't you people moving?!"

"Please, Iris," Caitlin choked, "It's time to let go."

Cisco gasped when the vibe faded and he was pulled back into the room he was in before. The same room. The room where Barry was going to die. He sucked in a strained breath as he slid his fingers out of Barry's limp hand.

He couldn't look at him. He couldn't even look at Barry right now, knowing what he now knew.

"Cisco?"

Cisco looked up. As he blinked past the tears in his eyes, Caitlin's face slowly swam into view, a concerned expression occupying its features.

"What is it, Cisco?" she asked, "What's wrong?"

To Cisco's anguish, Barry stirred in the bed. He let out a light groan as his eyes flickered open. Cisco's stomach clenched as he looked at Barry, his mind flashing back and forth between the Barry in front of him and the Barry he had seen in his vibe. Barry was going to get so much worse. Cisco didn't know when. He didn't know when his vibe would come to pass…but it felt close. It felt way too close. Barry was going to get very sick, very fast.

And he was going to give up. Barry was going to give up.

"Are you okay?" Barry asked him, rubbing his eyes.

Cisco opened and closed his mouth, not knowing what to say.

"F-fine," he whispered, his mouth dry, "I'm sorry. I…I guess this is all just hitting me at once."

He tried to offer Barry a reassuring smile, but it felt painful on his face. Barry's lips twitched as he reached out and took Cisco's hand, making his stomach clench.

"I'm going to be fine, Cisco," Barry assured him, giving his hand a small squeeze, "I'm going to fight like hell to beat this thing. I'm going to be just fine."

Cisco thought he was going to be sick.

"I'm sorry," he said, standing up from his chair, "I'm going to go get some air."

Barry nodded sadly at him.

"It's okay," he said quietly, "I understand."

Cisco could hardly look at Barry as he left the room.

He didn't know how he was going to look at Barry ever again.

Joe sat by Barry's bedside all night. Harry and Jesse had already turned in for the evening, and Cisco had been the first to leave, apologizing profusely as he left STAR Labs as fast as his legs could carry him. Joe didn't hold it against him, though. He understood how Cisco was feeling. It was hard to witness this.

Barry wasn't taking the chemo well now. Joe didn't know why he had thought it would be easier once they finished the infusion. Really, the infusion was just a small part of the treatment process. The hard part came later. Caitlin had told them the effects of the chemo would continue to set in over the next couple days. Joe had just been hopeful that wouldn't be the case.

Caitlin was currently in the bathroom, rinsing out Barry's emesis basin. Joe had lost count over how many times Barry had been sick. It seemed like every twenty minutes or so Barry would wake up gagging. Caitlin was giving him fluids continuously, but they couldn't get any food into his stomach. Barry couldn't even look at it when they offered him something to eat. They stopped trying when they realized their offers were only making him sicker. Just the sight of food had Barry gagging.

Joe let out a shaky sigh as he ran his fingers through Barry's hair. Barry was sweating profusely. At the same time, he was shivering. Caitlin had been fighting with him all night over the number of blankets she would allow him. She wanted to keep his temperature down. Eventually, though, she gave up the fight, deciding his comfort was more important.

Even then, Barry hardly slept.

"Joe?" Barry whispered in the darkness, rousing Joe from his thoughts.

"I'm here," Joe said softly, sliding his hand into Barry's, "I'm still here, Bar."

"Everything's red," Barry mumbled tiredly.

Joe frowned at him.

"What?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I d'know," Barry mumbled in exhaustion, "Never mind."

"What do you mean, Bar?" Joe pressed, leaning forward in his chair, "What do you mean everything's red?"

"My vision," Barry murmured, closing his eyes, "I keep seeing colors."

Barry yawned and turned over in bed, his eyes still closed.

"Eight percent," he breathed, drifting back into sleep, "Eight percent."

Joe felt a lump form in his throat as he ran a hand through Barry's hair. He wasn't making any sense. Granted, it was the middle of the night. Joe hoped this was just the exhaustion speaking and not anything worse. Barry had been sick all night. It was understandable for him to be a little confused. Besides, Barry had always been a sleep-talker. This was normal for him. It wasn't the cancer.

It couldn't be the cancer. Barry was fine.

He was going to be just fine.