Weary

Maybe he should try the soup again. He had had luck with it yesterday, getting Barry to eat about half a bowl. Soup wasn't very nutritious, though. It was mostly broth and sodium, which would probably help balance out Barry's electrolytes after all the vomiting he had done, but it wouldn't provide him with the calories he desperately needed.

Mixing calorie powder in the soup had been a big mistake. Barry had told him not to do it, saying it would make him sick. Joe wished he had listened to him. He was just so desperate to get more calories into Barry, he had decided it was worth the risk.

Barry was stuck on the bathroom floor for two hours after that, vomiting repeatedly into the toilet bowl. Joe felt even worse when Barry didn't even get mad at him for it. He just made him promise not to do it again.

Joe was quickly learning he needed to trust Barry's judgement. Barry knew what he could handle and what he couldn't, and while he still needed some persuading from Joe to eat, Joe knew he had to listen to Barry more. Barry knew what he needed. The only problem was, he wasn't very good at communicating it. It was impossible for Joe to tell when Barry was actually okay or when he needed something.

Barry wasn't very keen to ask.

It had led to a few arguments between them. Joe just wanted Barry to be honest with him. Barry was trying so hard to downplay everything, making it difficult for Joe to take care of him. Barry was just trying to put on a brave face. Joe wished he wouldn't.

Tired of fighting with Barry, Joe gave up and retreated down the stairs for the sixth time that day, an untouched bowl of soup in his hands. Barry had gotten his chemo two days ago, and he was still unable to keep much food down. Joe had stayed home with him, unable to do much as he watched Barry alternate between his bed and the bathroom floor. At least it was the weekend now, and neither of them had to take off of work.

However, with the weekend came other problems.

"Hey, dad," Wally greeted as he came in through the front door.

Joe had completely forgotten Wally was coming home to do laundry this weekend.

"Hey, Wall," Joe said, forcing a smile, "How was your week?"

"Not bad," Wally shrugged, setting his laundry basket on the kitchen counter, "Yours?"

Joe forced a small smile onto his face.

"Fine," he mumbled.

He walked silently over to the cupboard to pull out a plastic container for Barry's soup, hoping to save it and try again later.

"What's for dinner?" Wally asked, "We're not completely screwed without Iris now, are we?"

Joe managed a small laugh.

"She made us a few dishes before she left," he chuckled, "I just need to toss them in the oven."

Joe moved to the fridge, setting Barry's soup on the shelf before pulling out the tray of lasagna Iris had prepared for them. It was Barry's favorite. Maybe he'd be able to sway Barry into eating some of it later if he was feeling up to it. If he could just get Barry to eat something, Joe was convinced Barry would be feeling a lot better. Two full days of only eating a few bites of soup here and there couldn't be good for him. It was probably why Barry was so weak and shaky every time he walked to the bathroom to be sick.

He was starving.

"How are your classes going?" Joe asked quietly as he pulled out the tray of lasagna.

"Fine," Wally shrugged, taking a seat at the kitchen table, "I just submitted my finished application project for the engineering program. Wanna take a look?"

Joe smiled as he set the timer on the oven.

"Of course."

As Joe sat down at the kitchen table next to Wally, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt stir in his stomach. He knew there was nothing wrong with him spending time with his son, but it somehow felt wrong to be just sitting here with Wally when Barry was upstairs struggling.

Joe had just checked on him, though. Barry was sleeping in bed. He was tossing and turning, alternating between piling blankets on top of himself and kicking them off of him, but there wasn't much Joe could do for him at this point.

So why did this feel so wrong?

Joe knew the answer to that question, though. He just didn't let himself think it often. It felt wrong because it felt like he was trying to replace Barry with his other son. Spending time with Wally felt like he was trying to forget about Barry.

That's exactly what he was doing, though, wasn't it? Distracting himself?

Joe couldn't lie. It felt good to focus on something other than his sick son for a while. Barry was always in the back of his mind, but reading through Wally's engineering project was a welcome distraction, even if Joe didn't understand most of it.

"You're a really slow reader," Wally said impatiently.

Joe held up a finger, his eyes still on the screen. He couldn't help but laugh. What his son had designed was impressive.

"So?" Wally asked, a smile forming on his face.

"I want one of these super cars," Joe laughed, shaking his head, "Man, Wally. I'm so impressed."

Wally gave him a small smile, but it quickly slid from his face, his expression becoming somewhat sour.

"Thanks," he muttered, "But Barry gave me a lot of help."

It didn't escape Joe's notice when Wally rolled his eyes with these words.

"Yeah, he did," Joe said gently, "But this was all your idea. It was all your hard work. It was all you. Barry would say the same thing."

Wally looked down at the table, his eyebrows raising in skepticism.

"Would he?" he muttered.

The smile then slid from Joe's face. He let out a heavy sigh as he slowly closed the laptop. He didn't care what Barry had said. He needed to have a talk with his son. It wasn't just the cancer that Wally was ignorant to. Wally didn't even know Barry's full history, only that he was in the foster system and had been living with them for half his life. Joe thought it was about time Wally understood.

At least, some of it.

"Look, Wally," Joe sighed, waiting for Wally to look up before continuing, "Iris and I took Barry in when he was eleven. And the reason he came to live with us is because…his mother was murdered…and his father was wrongfully imprisoned for it."

Wally's eyes flitted down towards the table as he took in what Joe was telling him. Joe knew Barry wouldn't want him to share all this personal information, but Wally needed to understand. He needed to know why he and Iris talked about Barry the way they did.

"And I have been overprotective of that kid since that day," Joe continued seriously, "We gave him…all of the love and support that he needed to get through that tragedy and…become the man he is now."

Wally shook his head slightly, still looking down at the table. The hard expression on his face wavered slightly, but he quickly fought to pull it back up again.

"So, that…" Joe sighed, "That pride you see when Iris and I are talking about him is because…things could have gone very differently."

"And I get that," Wally muttered, looking up from the table, "I get that he's a part of your family, but…where is he? He's home right now, right? But he's hiding out in his room like always. He doesn't ever want to spend time with us. He's always running off, doing his own thing. He has zero interest in getting to know me."

Joe shook his head sadly at him. God, he wished he could just tell him the truth.

"Barry is dealing with a lot right now," Joe sighed, "Trust me, Wally, he'd give anything to be here, participating in our family, but…he's got a lot of personal things going on right now."

"And that's an excuse?" Wally persisted, "He just gets a free pass? We all have things going on right now. I just lost my mother, but you don't see me holing myself up in my room right now."

Joe shook his head and let out a shaky sigh, trying to control his frustration.

"Barry's doing the best he can right now with the cards he's been dealt," he said seriously, a hint of anger working its way into his voice, "And he has been trying, Wally. He's been trying to get to know you, but you've been making that very difficult for him."

"Oh, sorry," Wally scoffed, standing up from his seat, "I didn't mean to make things so difficult for precious, perfect Barry."

"I never said he was perfect," Joe said in frustration, "I know he's not perfect, Wally. He makes mistakes just like anyone else, and he's not favored over you or Iris or anybody else. So you have nothing to worry about. He's my son, just like you are."

Wally shook his head, taking a deep, shaky breath.

"I'm going to go hang out with some friends," he gritted, "I'll see you later."

"Wally," Joe snapped, but Wally ignored him, crossing the room and wrenching the front door open.

He paused in his tracks, however, when he unexpectedly came face to face with another person on the other side of the door.

"Sorry," Caitlin said awkwardly, "I was just about to knock."

She gave Wally a small smile then.

"I don't think we've officially met yet," she said pleasantly, "I'm Caitlin, Barry's friend."

Wally let out a heavy sigh as he reached out to shake the doctor's hand.

"Wally," he said stiffly, "Joe's son."

"It's nice to officially meet you, Wally," Caitlin said kindly.

She glanced into the living room then, looking around.

"Is Barry here?"

Wally let out a humorless laugh.

"Who ever knows?" he muttered before brushing past Caitlin in the doorway.

Caitlin watched him leave with a confused expression on her face. She turned back around then, giving Joe a questioning look.

"Don't mind him," Joe sighed, walking over to the doorway to shut the front door, "He just doesn't understand everything that's going on."

"Barry hasn't told him yet?" Caitlin asked sadly.

Joe shook his head.

"They still barely know each other," he said quietly, "It's a lot of heavy information to drop on someone you just met."

Joe let out a heavy sigh and decided to move past the subject.

"Barry's upstairs," he told her, "He's been sleeping all day."

Caitlin nodded and gave Joe a sad smile.

"That's to be expected," she assured him, "How has his eating been?"

Joe ran a hand tiredly over his face.

"Terrible," he sighed, "He hasn't been able to keep much down. He spent half the night on the bathroom floor."

Caitlin nodded sadly.

"I have a few more antiemetics to try for his nausea," she said quietly, "Hopefully one of these will help him."

Joe nodded gratefully, but he couldn't let himself feel too hopeful. Caitlin had already tried several of those medications with Barry. None of them seemed to help his nausea in the slightest.

"He wants to go to work," Joe said quietly, "Barry has been hellbent on recovering enough this weekend to go to work on Monday."

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh and shook her head.

"And you can't talk him out of it?" she asked gently.

"Have you met Barry?" Joe said with a humorless laugh, "No. Once he has his mind set on something, little can be done to change it."

Caitlin nodded and ran a hand through her hair.

"I suppose it depends on how he's feeling," she sighed, "If he's feeling up for it, he can try going to work. I don't like the idea at all, but you're right. We're not really going to be able to stop him."

"I compromised with him," Joe told her, "I said he could continue trying to work as long as he tells Singh what's going on. The captain needs to be informed of the situation. Barry's not too happy about it, but he agreed to telling Singh on Monday."

"That's good," Caitlin sighed, "But you know there's someone else he needs to tell more."

Joe nodded sadly.

"I've been trying to get him to call Henry," he told her, "But he can't do it. He's terrified. He's terrified of his dad's reaction. He doesn't want to burden him with the information."

"But Henry deserves to know," Caitlin said firmly.

"Hey, you don't need to tell me that," Joe assured her, "I agree with you one-hundred percent. Barry needs all the support he can get, and not that I'm doubting your medical skills or anything, but I wouldn't be against having another doctor around. The more heads we have together, working on this, the better."

"I can't expect Henry to treat his own son," Caitlin said quietly, "He needs to be a father to Barry first."

"I could say the same thing about you," Joe said gently, "You know it's okay to be more than just his doctor, right? Barry needs more than just Caitlin Snow, MD. He needs his friend."

Caitlin gave Joe a sad smile.

"I know," she said softly, "I'm trying my best to be both for him right now, but…sometimes it's easier to hide behind the medicine."

Joe nodded sadly in understanding, and Caitlin let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm going to go examine him," she said quietly, "I'll try not to disturb him too much."

Joe nodded, and then, struck by a sudden thought, he rushed into the kitchen, returning just a moment later.

"Here," he said, handing Caitlin a plate of lasagna, "It's his favorite. Maybe you'll have more luck."

Caitlin gave him a sad smile as she took the plate from him.

"I'll try my best."

Barry kicked the blankets off him in frustration. He never even sweated this much when he was running. His clothes felt wet and sticky, clinging to his skin in the worst way. It wasn't long before Barry tore those off, too, leaving him in just his boxers. It didn't help much, considering the sheets beneath him were also soaked with sweat.

He just wanted to get out of this God-awful bed, with its soaked sheets and hard springs. He never realized just how uncomfortable his bed was until he started chemotherapy. His aching body seemed to notice every bump, every crinkle in the bedsheets. Barry had grown to hate sleeping. He had grown to hate his bed with a passion now.

At the same time, he didn't think he'd ever be able to leave it. He was just so tired. No. More than that. He was tired of being tired. He just wanted to get up, but his body wouldn't let him. He was sick to death of sleeping, but he couldn't make himself get out of bed.

Only when he was vomiting.

Even then, Barry often made use of the large bowl Joe had set near the bed. He only went to the bathroom when the vomiting didn't stop. Sleeping on the bathroom floor was the absolute worst. Joe had a second pillow and blanket in there for him now, but it didn't make the hard tile floor much more comfortable.

Barry didn't think anything could make him comfortable.

With another sigh of frustration, Barry turned over again, trying to find a position that would allow him to finally sleep, even if it was just for a couple minutes. He impatiently beat the lumps out of his pillow, flipping it over so the cooler side was face-up. His neck was so stiff and sore from lying in bed. His entire body was. He had terrible cramping in his legs, and his arms somehow felt as if they had both fallen asleep, as if he had slept on them the wrong way.

Just when Barry thought he had finally found a good position, a soft groan escaped his lips. He was shivering again. Two seconds ago, he had been sweating, and now he felt like he had been dunked into a bucket of ice water. The sweat was cold on his skin, and the cold air of the room sent goosebumps rippling across his entire body.

And his blankets were on the floor.

Barry desperately wished he hadn't kicked them off now. He could sit up and grab them if he really wanted to, but Barry was too exhausted. Also, he didn't want to risk getting sick. His stomach was only just starting to settle after the last round of vomiting, and he somehow just knew that sitting up and moving around would only aggravate it again.

He really didn't feel like puking right now. His throat was already raw and sore from vomiting up nothing but stomach acid over the last couple days, and the thought of puking right now made Barry want to cry.

He was just so tired.

"Barry?" a soft voice said from the doorway.

Barry's eyes snapped open instantly, his vision slightly blurred as they landed on the doctor standing in the doorway.

"I'm so sorry to wake you," Caitlin said quietly, a sad, pitying expression crossing her face as she took in his disheveled state.

"I wasn't sleeping anyways," Barry sighed, turning onto his back.

He knew he should feel awkward to just be laying here in his boxers in front of her right now, but he found that he didn't have the energy to care at the moment.

"How are you feeling?" Caitlin asked sadly.

"I'm freezing," Barry sighed, "Could you grab my blankets there for me? I was stupid and pushed them on the floor."

"Sure, Barry," she said softly, retrieving the blankets for him.

Barry sighed in relief when the blankets fell over him. He wasn't warm by any means, but it was better than the frigid air of the room. Barry smiled up at Caitlin in thanks, but the smile quickly slid from his face when he saw what was in her hands.

"Not you too," he groaned, turning his face away from the food in disgust, "I'm not—"

"I know you're not hungry," Caitlin said quickly, "I'm not here to force anything on you, Barry. I just told Joe I would try."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and nodded.

"Could you please set it over there?" he asked, tilting his head to the dresser on the far side of the room, "I can't even look at it."

"Are you sure you don't want to try a bite?" Caitlin asked gently, "Maybe you'll like it."

"I want to puke just from the smell of it, Caitlin," Barry said seriously, "Can you please just get it away from me?"

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh and did as he asked, placing the plate of food on the far side of the room.

"I have a few new meds for you," she said softly.

"More?" Barry asked, giving her an uneasy look, "It's not more multivitamins, is it? Because those are impossible to keep down, Cait."

"Only one of them is a vitamin," Caitlin said gently, "And you know, if you took them with food, they wouldn't upset your stomach so much."

Barry closed his eyes in frustration, not saying anything in response. Thankfully, Caitlin spared him the lecture and decided to quickly move past the subject.

"I have two new antiemetics for your nausea and some furosemide for your kidneys," she told him, "Have you been taking all your meds, Barry?"

"Joe's been making sure I take them," Barry assured her, "But it doesn't do much good when I throw them up immediately. They're too potent."

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh. The meds she had him on were ten times more potent than normal medication. They had to be, in order to surpass his metabolism, but their potency didn't do any favors for his stomach.

"I might have to administer them intravenously then," she said quietly, "You really need them, and if you can't take them orally, I'll have to keep you on an IV."

Barry sighed and nodded silently. He had been expecting her to say that. He hated the idea of being attached to an IV stand twenty-four-seven, but he knew it would be the only way he could take all the medications she had him on.

"It might help with your appetite," Caitlin said gently, giving him a hopeful smile, "You won't have to take as many pills, and the meds will make you feel better. They'll give you more energy."

Barry's lips twitched slightly.

"That would be nice," he sighed, "I'm tired of sleeping."

Caitlin gave Barry a sympathetic look.

"You should be trying to get all the rest you can, though," she said quietly, "It's normal for chemotherapy. Really, you're handling it a lot better than I thought you would, considering the high dose we started you out at."

"Can we go higher next time?" Barry asked seriously, "Can we increase the dosage?"

Caitlin frowned at him.

"Barry…"

"I can handle more," Barry insisted, shuddering internally at his words, "I can do this."

"Why don't we just keep you at the dosage you're at for a couple weeks?" Caitlin said gently, "I don't want to push it."

"And I don't want to do this half-assed," Barry said seriously, "My…my chances aren't good, Caitlin. You and I both know that. You know we need to be as aggressive as possible."

"I know," she said in a strained voice, "I know, Barry, it's just…"

"You're being soft," Barry accused, "You're treating me with kid gloves because I'm your friend. I know you mean well, but…Caitlin, you can't let friendship get in the way. Please don't ease up on my treatment just to spare me some pain. I can handle this."

"I know you can," Caitlin said quietly, tears forming in her eyes, "I just…I don't know what I'd do if I made a mistake. If I gave you too much of the CP22, you could go into respiratory failure. Your heart could stop. Your body could shut down on you if it's not strong enough to handle the chemo. I know mentally you can handle it, but physically…you're not doing well, Barry. You're not eating. Your hemoglobin hasn't improved, and you're going to keep getting weaker. Increasing the dosage before we fully understand your physical capabilities is way too risky to attempt at this point."

Barry let out a heavy sigh of frustration. He knew she was right. He wasn't necessarily frustrated with her. He was frustrated with himself, with his body. Mentally, he was prepared to fight this thing with everything he had, but physically, he was fragile and weak. His body was betraying him, and there was nothing Barry could do about it, despite his mental strength. The entire situation was just infuriating.

"Okay," he said quietly, "We'll keep the dosage the same for now. I…I'm going to try harder. I'm going to try harder to eat, to gain strength so I can handle more."

Caitlin nodded sadly at him, a relieved look on her face.

"Has Cisco stopped by?" she asked quietly, changing the subject.

Barry swallowed and shook his head.

"No," he said softly, "I haven't heard from him since Thursday, when I was getting my infusion."

Caitlin frowned at him, a thoughtful look on her face.

"It's fine, Caitlin," Barry assured her quickly, "I'm not really up for visitors right now anyways."

"I know," she said slowly, "It's just…I haven't heard from him either."

"He's just processing everything," Barry said surely, "He's been taking this whole thing really hard, harder than I have. I understand, and I don't blame him for it."

Caitlin nodded slowly, a thoughtful look on her face. After a moment, she sighed and reached for her medical bag.

"Is it okay if I give you a quick check-up?" she asked softly, "I just wanted to check your vitals and draw some blood."

Barry gave her a small smile as he held out his arm.

"I swear, I'm starting to think you're a vampire at this point, with all the blood you've been drawing," he teased.

It worked. Caitlin managed a small laugh at his lame joke. Barry grinned at her. It was all he wanted. He wanted to do everything he could to keep them all smiling. He didn't want them to be sad all the time just because he was sick.

When they smiled, he almost felt better.