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Little Toy Bikers and a Woman on the Run
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Chapter 437 Scarlett's Truth
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Telling Jax had gone better than she could have ever imagined. He hadn't looked at her like she was defective. He'd been sweet and understanding. She'd done her part pretending that she believed him that they could work through things together.
She'd lied to Jax. When it came down to saying the words, she'd chickened out. The truth was that the first time she had sex was far below romance novel standards. That's when she first thought she was defective. That relationship had ended soon after because she realized she wasn't in love with him and she didn't like having sex with him. There was no point in being with him.
A friend had confided that her first time had been pretty awful too, so Scarlett placed the blame squarely where it belonged on the shoulders of romance writers who mislead and lie about sex and make women feel inadequate.
She'd actually been foolish enough to believe that sex for the first time was supposed to be this wonderful, magical and amazing thing. Why would they lie? To sell books. Scarlett quit reading romance novels. She didn't need to read stories written mostly by women who made her feel like a defective loser.
When she told Jax that the next time sometimes it was OK and sometimes it was good, she'd lied. Her ex was the only other person she'd slept with and it had never been good or even OK.
She'd been so scared to tell her psycho ex about their sex life being not good for her. It wasn't something she felt comfortable telling him and he'd begun to mentally abuse her. She hadn't recognized it at the time. She thought he was helping her with his constant criticisms. The standards he set for her were impossible to attain and she was always failing. He'd shaken her self-confidence and destroyed her self-esteem. All she wanted to do was please him. She thought if she could be the woman he wanted her to be, she would fall in love with her. He told her he loved her, but she wasn't sure if she ever believed it.
If she'd been older, more experienced or had friends who had been through an abusive relationship, maybe she would have recognized it sooner before he went full on crazy and become determined to kill her. It was all too late. She'd learned to quit beating herself up over the mistakes she'd made. It didn't help. It just made her hate herself.
Scarlett knew she was broken inside but there was no one she could trust to talk to except Jax. If Tara hadn't been Jax's ex, she would have been a good person to talk to. She liked Donna but didn't think she could trust her not to tell Opie what she said to her in confidence. She didn't know her well enough.
She waited for her sleeping pills to kick in worrying the whole time about how big a disaster sex with Jax was going to be. It didn't matter, she could fake it.
Jax wasn't her psycho ex. He had been so careful and gentle with her over her back injury. That had to be a good sign that he would be patient with her.
Most of all, she didn't want to disappoint him. He'd been with hundreds of girls. How could she compete with that?