The long fall

by VRitze

Now your enemies, now your friends. The Winchesters meet with a new character that results in more than just a girl

5. Come Clean

Ch.5 Come clean.

It was a snowy, clear day. Castiel was sitting on a park bench surrounded by pine trees. He was all alone. He seems to be meditating on something.

-You know, I have been here since the beginning. I have witnessed this world evolve: be born, expand, thrive… and threaten to destroy itself over and over again. It's so fragile, always balancing on the tip from destruction.

We have been here all this time doing our best to keep it going, to guide the ones who are to become heroes, to lend our strength, and to bring hope where there is none. I thought by now I had seen everything, that I could not be surprised anymore.

After a few thousand years of dealing with the same problems every time, it does get you…It becomes mechanical to you…. And you detached without even notice…Until that day, when yet again, I witness something remarkable. It was remarkable because it never came to pass. It was adverted by…two boys, an old drunk and a fallen angel. A grant story was woven at that time. We rip off the ending and the rules and destiny. Leaving nothing but freedom and choice, which is all well and done, except…. What if I made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know…I am getting ahead of myself…let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything-

-Hello, Dean- greeted Castiel. He was sitting in the Impala's copilot seat. Dean was driving. Dean jumped slightly, startled by his sudden apparition.- Are you all right?- continued Castiel.

- Yeah…I am fine. How are you?-

-I just wanted to check in…-

-So, any word on, uh, Satan Jr being alive?-

-I'm...looking, believe me. I just don't understand how Crowley could've tricked me.-

-Well, he's a tricky son of a bitch, that's how. Doesn't matter. But if he is up and kicking, then what does matter is finding him, ripping his head off, and shoving it up his ass-

-What about you? Have you found anything?-

-No, nothing yet.-

-Where's Sam?-

-He's keeping busy. He's tracking a Djinn in Omaha as we speak. In fact, I'm heading out there right now to meet up with him.-

-Well, I'd come if I could.-

-Yeah, no, I-I get it. No worries. But, Cas, you'll call, right? If you get into real trouble?-

Castiel observed him for a minute as if he wanted to say something else, but he changed his mind and just nodded. Dean nodded back. Castiel disappeared. Dean took a deep breath.

-Why didn't I tell him back there? Why didn't I tell him everything, for that matter- recounted Castiel -I should have at least started with the disappearance of Abaddon…Abi…Where was she? Where did she go? But, I was too preoccupied, too many things happening at the same time…No one I could really ask for help without having to open those cans of worms…-

Castiel entered Crowley's laboratory. He found him doing an autopsy on mother's remains on a table. There was a vampire restrained nearby.

-Howdy, partner.- greeted Crowley

-What have you found?-

- I've found a lot of things. For example...Eve's brain? Dead as a tinned kipper. And yet...-Crowley reaches inside Eve and pulls out a handful of eggs -For some reason...She keeps laying eggs. Watch this -Crowley takes a poker and places it on Eve's brain. The vampire seizes violently. -Chocula here feels every tickle.-

-What is that good for?-

-Apart from the obvious erotic value, you got me.-

- You said Eve could open the door to Purgatory.-

-Correct. I did. And I'm confident that she could have if she was still alive! Single best chance to get over the rainbow and the Winchesters killed her!-

-It was unavoidable.-

- You screwed up, Cas. You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it.-

- What is your point?-

- The point is...You're too distracted, and that makes me nervous.-

-I am holding up my end.-

- Ah, yes. But is that all you're holding?-Crowley walked up to him and sniffed him - See...the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we'd agreed - no more nights out with the boys. And that's not all; not only are you sneaking around to meet with your besties, but it's also your missing girlfriend, who has you howling to the four winds her name for hours at no end. Don't you have enough on your plate? You have a war to wedge!-

Castiel paused -What would you have me do?-

-Stay put and focus for two seconds! I need those meddlers off my back…Kill them already!-

-No!-

-At least you could break the sad news to them. That could throw them off my scent for a while…Distract them enough for me to figure out this bullsh…-

-I spoke with Dean because I needed to know what they knew, all right…And Abaddon is my problem. She is not your concern -

- Not the missing angel, not the brothers… I see… You are keeping it all to yourself…Meanwhile, WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!-

-Fine! Do you want me to stay put? That's all right with me, but stop medleying in my private affairs or…-

-OR what Castiel? You are losing it! We flipped that dinner upside down and found nothing. Not even a speck of your angel. There was nothing there! And what did you talk to Dean about? Abaddon's disappearance? Nooo…You two talk just about me? Flattered, but not the point 'cause I happen to have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down! So, what was that all about? To bring me the good news….I ALREADY KNOW THEY ARE AFTER ME…Forgive me- Crowley stepped back frustrated - but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here. I don't need you checking up on them and coming back to tell me what I already know, and I don't need you mopping about some old dead flame….I need you IN THE GAME, or we both screw!- exploded Crowley.

-Crowley had a point, of course.- Recounted Castiel - My interest was conflicted, and I was distracted. I could not take Abaddon off my mind; we found no body, so I was still hopeful she was somewhere alive. On the other hand, I still considered myself the Winchesters' guardian. After all...they taught me how to stand up for myself...-

Castiel remembered when they were facing Lucif back at the Stull Cemetery. When it seemed nothing else could be done, that all was lost. He stood up. Castiel stood up to his big brother and defied him.

-Hey! Assbutt!- that was Castiel's first attempt ever to insult anybody in his whole was holding a bottle of holy oil and threw it at Michael, and Michael burned away. But it was too late anyway. Lucif had taken over Sam.

- I learned that day how to stand up...And what generally happens to you when you do.-

Luci/Sam snapped his fingers, and Castiel exploded.

-I was...done. I was over. And then the most extraordinary thing happened. I was put back.- continued Castiel, remembering. He walked up to Dean, beaten bloody by Lucif, and placed his hand over his forehead.

- We won that day. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost. – Castiel continued telling his story as he remembered healing Dean and Bobby. But there was no Sam. He has been sealed away along with Lucif and Michael in the deepest of the Avernus. Sam sacrificed himself in order to save the world.

Castiel remembered now that night when he had brought Sam back from the Avernus to reunite him with his brother. They were both standing outside Lisa's house where Dean had been living since that time.

- I knew what I had to do next. Once again, I went to Harrow Hell, to free Sam from Lucifer's cage. It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence in my mission. I see now that was arrogance...Hubris...Because, of course, I hadn't truly raised Sam - not all of him. –

Castiel is observing Sam watching his brother from afar; the streetlight he was under flickered and died.

Castiel remembers some of those random acts Sam did back then that led them to find out he had no soul, when he beat a cop unconscious, when he witnessed his brother being turned into a vampire and did nothing, or when he finally raised his dagger against Bobby to save himself.

- Sometimes, we're lucky enough to be given a warning. – Remembered Castiel back in front of Lisa's house. He sees Sam turn and walk away- directly past Castiel.

- That should have been mine- reflected Castiel.

- Please. I'm begging you, Castiel. It will be so much easier if you just kill the Winchesters.- Crowley removed the poker from Eve's brain, and the vampire felt limp relief from his pain.

-No.- refuted Castiel.

-Fine. Then I'll do it myself.-

-Just concentrate on getting to purgatory. I'll deal with them…-

- No, you won't…At least tell them that Abaddon is missing so you can all go on your noble quest to find her dead body, and let me do my business in peace.-

- SHE IS NOT DEAD.-

-She could be the cinder we stomped on when we went there searching for her…-

They confront each other. Suddenly, Castiel took a deep breath and muttered - Don't worry about them-

- Don't worry about - what, like Lucifer didn't worry? Or Michael? Or Lilith or Alastor or Azazel didn't worry? Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?-

- Just find Purgatory. If you don't, we will both die again and again until the end of time.- Castiel turned around to leave - The Winchesters won't get to you.-

- Let them get to me! I'll tear their friggin' hearts out!- shouted Crowley, extremely annoyed. Castiel disappeared.

Meanwhile, at Bobby's house, a demon, Redd, is strapped to a chair under the devil's trap on Bobby's ceiling.

-I got to tell you, Redd...for a filthy, lower-than-snake-spit Hellspawn, you seem to have turned yourself into a damn fine hunter. I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you.-

-Oh, please, kill me.- he snorted.

-That was you that dug out that nest of vamps back in Swan Valley, wasn't it?-

-That was nice work.- admired Sam

- Eight of 'em in one go, roped and tied.- said Redd proudly.

-And then you brought them to Crowley, right?-

-Read the papers, redneck. The king is dead.- snickered Redd at Bobby. But Bobby chuckles and tosses holy water on Redd's neck. Redd screams in pain.

-Crowley's alive. You prove it just by being you, poor dumb jackass. Crowley's alive. His nets are still out. Except now he's using you schmucks to hunt his monsters.-

-Up yours.- mocked Redd

Bobby turns to Sam and holds out his hand. Sam hands Bobby Ruby's knife, the demon killer. Redd was now paying close attention. Dean enters trought the back door and nodes towards Sam. Sam goes into the kitchen with him.

-Redd...Where's Crowley? No? Nothing? Oh, okay, then. Here, hang on to this for a stabs Redd in the leg and joins the others in the kitchen. Redd is howling in pain.

-So, what'd you tell him?- hushed Sam to Dean

-Nothing. Just relax.-

- What's the hubbub?- came Bobby.

- I saw Cas. He popped in on me about two hours back.-

- What'd you tell him?-

-Nothing, all right? Told him… we were on some crap monster hunt. He doesn't know that we're getting close to Crowley. You know, he's our friend...And we are lying to him through our teeth.

- Dean- call Sam softly.

-so he burned the wrong bones. So Crowley tricked him.-

-He's an angel.-

- He is the Klaus Hargreeves of Heaven! He can make a mistake!-

- Nobody's saying anything yet.-

- You think that Cas is in with Crowley… Crowley?- Dean refuted

- Look, I'm just saying I don't know. Now, I hate myself for even thinking about it. But I don't know.- defended Bobby.

That day, Castiel learned how it felt to lose someone's hope. He was standing behind them, invisible. Two doubted him, and only one still held on to him.

- Look, Dean, he's our friend, too, okay? And I'd die for him. I would, but...Look, I'm praying we're wrong here.- pleaded Sam

-But if we ain't...If there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here...that means we're dealing with a Superman who's gone dark side. Which means we've got to be cautious, we got to be smart, and maybe stock up on some Kryptonite.-

Dean(to Sam) -This makes you Lois Lane.- Dean could not avoid the joke. Sam rolled his eyes.

-You mean Abi – Sam counter-attacked – By the way, how is she doing? Is she… back to normal?-

-I…I wouldn't know…- Dean stuttered.

-She wasn't with him?- Bobby asked, surprised; Sam was as well, and they both looked at Dean. Dean paused -No…she was not with him…He came alone- Their faces felt. Castiel could see their concern.

- Look, one problem at a time here. We got to find Crowley now before the damn fool cracks open Purgatory.- They all took a deep breath and went back to Redd.

-So - they already suspected.- recounted Castiel as he observed part of the interrogatory. Bobby and Sam went straight to Redd, Dean stood back right in front of Castiel.

-Where's Crowley?- Bobby twisted the knife, and Redd screamed out his lungs.

-Up yours. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!-

-The worst part was Dean, trying so hard to be loyal, with every instinct telling him otherwise.- recounted Castiel as he remembered Dean looking at the interrogation with worried eyes.

- I don't know where Crowley is!- pleaded Redd.

- Are you sure about that? 'Cause we can twist again all the way to next summer.- Threatened Bobby and twisted again.

-Oh, God! I never even met him! I don't deal with Crowley directly.-

-Well, who do you deal with?-

- The dispatcher. A demon named Ellsworth.- finally confessed Reed extenuated.

That was all Castiel needed to know. He gave one last look at the room and then disappeared.

-If there was a demon counterpart to Bobby Singer, Ellsworth would be it.- recounted Castiel.

Ellsworth was at his desk, filled with phones of both the human and demonic varieties. He was busy tending business.

-No, listen to me. No. I don't care. I want you to get down to New Mexico and bag me that Wendigo! Hell. Hang on. -He moved to another phone - What? No, no more vampires. Because the boss says so, we're done with them.- Ellsworth picks up yet another phone ringing -FBI. Thomas speaking. Absolutely, I sent them. Thank you for calling to check. You too. Have a nice day now. Bye-bye.–

As he was taking the call, two demons walked in with a body and dropped it in front of Ellsworth, and they made to leave - Hey, hey, hey! No! Not in here, you friggin' Yeti. Out back!-shouted Ellsworth.

-These demons would lead the Winchesters to Crowley, and Crowley would tear their hearts out.- recounted Castiel as he foresaw the whole situation.

Castiel made himself visible before Ellsworth and smote the two demons right before him.

- Oh, hell.- Ellsworth attempts to leave his host, but Castiel pushes him back in and smites him too.

-I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don't know anymore.-

Castiel stood in that place with four bodies to dispose of.

Dean and Bobby enter through the front door at Ellsworth's house; Sam meets them inside the house coming from the back door.

-Hey. Clear from the back.-

-Demons get tipped and bugged out?- Said Dean as they swept the area.

-Maybe they run from us now. I mean, that would be a nice thought, right?-

-Yeah, if that's what happened.- Bobby said sardonically.

-Yeah.- repeated Sam.

-Hiding...Lying...Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure. After supposedly "saving" Sam, I finally returned to heaven.- Recounted Castiel as he remembered when he arrived back to heaven after defeating Lucif.

-Of course, there isn't one heaven. Each soul generates its own paradise. I favored the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub in 1953.-

Castiel had barely stepped in when he found himself surrounded by other angels.

- You're alive!- approached Rachel; she was indeed happy to see him, but her expression was confused.

-Yes.- smiled back Castiel.

- Castiel, we saw Lucif destroy you.-

- Well, I came back.- was all he could explain not knowing himself exactly how it happened.

- But Lucif? Michael?-

- They're gone.-

- It was God, wasn't it?-

-No. It was the Winchesters. They brought down the Apocalypse.-

-The Winchesters brought you back? Really?- A voice interrupted Castiel. -Are you saying a couple of humans brought an angel back…what an accomplishment- mocked Abaddon, who was sitting by his side looking at him in her former self. She had a disbelief look about her.

-They brought down the Apocalypse…- repeated Castiel

-And somehow managed to bring you back to life? Or how exactly did it happen? She interrupted him again. Castiel mouthed.

-You doubt your own god! That's rich…- she scoffed.

-I am trying to understand…Would you let me continue my story?- protested Castiel

-Oh! Please do, by all means…I want to hear the end of this derail…-

-You don't have to be so harsh…-

-Of course, I do, because it is not the real me talking to you right now, and you know it…- Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath; tiny specs of ashes floated out with his breath. Abaddon was no longer there.

-Where was I… Oh yeah!-

- But you beat the Archangels, Castiel. God brought you back. He chose you, Cas...To lead us.- Rachel declares.

-No. No one leads us anymore. We're all free to make our own choices and to choose our own fates.-

- What does God want?- Rachel approached him, even more confused.

- God wants you to have freedom.-

- But what does he want us to do with it?- She turned to the others; they were as confused as she was.

-If I knew then what I know now...I might have said..."It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."-

-We are all creatures of structure. Our nature needs parameters, rules, systems, organization, order…Lord Acton once said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The same can be said about the knowledge of freedom. Nobody knows true freedom or what to do with it, which drives people mad. Anarchist believes it is about breaking human stablish rules because they suffocate society and bury true nature in useless protocols, but that's just it. It's just human rules, a self-made-up construction to try to keep them as civil as possible, so anarchists think they are entitled to break all rules, going so far as to hurt their kind. Others believe it's about doing what they want, but is that really freedom or selfishness?

You are gravely misunderstanding what your god wants, Castiel. He does want you to live free and happy, but, as you just expressed, true freedom is a double-edged sword. You feel he just gave you a length of rope to hang yourself with it. I tell you, even the most innocuous contraption can kill you if you don't learn first how to use it… Leaning is always a process. It is hard, painful, and sometimes boring…but if you can master it…the rewards…-

Abaddon was under a great tree, giving a lecture. She stops and looks at Castiel under her glasses. She was standing now dressed in a cardigan and a skirt with a blackboard behind.

-What if my experience is not enough to know better…if I can never master the knowledge- Castiel asked.

-You have lived the life of a soldier, never own a thought for yourself…I get that…Not everybody was born to fly…- he watched her disappear. Her voice vanished like an echo.

-I am an angel, you know…I was created with wings…- he said to himself, sitting all alone on his park bench.

-Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish. And then there was Raphael...- Castiel continued telling his story, remembering the moment he was summoned to Raphael's presence.

- You came. I appreciate the courage that it takes.- said Raphael when Castiel entered the office.

- Whose heaven is this?- Looked Castiel around; he just stepped into some kind of home office richly accommodated.

- Ken Lay's. I'm borrowing it.-

- I still question his admittance here.-

-He's devout. Trumps everything.- Raphael sat comfortably in a leather chair near the chimney.

- What do you want?- said Castiel in somehow a tired tone of voice.

- Tomorrow - I've called for a full assembly of the Holy Host. You'll kneel before me and pledge allegiance to the flag, all right?-

- And what flag is that?-

- Me, Castiel. Allegiance to me.-

- Are you joking?-

- Do Ilooklike I'm joking?- Castiel paused to look at Raphael. Both Raphael and Castiel had little understanding of the human sense of humor.

-You never look like you're joking.- answered Castiel dryly.

- You rebelled - against God, heaven, and me. Now, you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucif and Michael from their cage. And then we'll get our show back on the road.-

- Raphael...No. The Apocalypse doesn't have to be fought!- pleaded Castiel.

- Of course, it does. It's God's will.-

- How can you say that?!-

-Is all the same Castiel- interrupted Abaddon again- you rendered a bunch of people built specially for the apocalypse useless…Including me, and you don't even care…-

-What do you mean I don't care? Now you are free to choose what YOU want to do. Isn't this better?- defended Castiel

-Really? You are telling me I am free to start over from scratch because that is always so much fun to do… I can go and live my life in a bunny meadow if I feel like it.- Abaddon said sardonically.

-You make it sound like it's something bad, but YES! If that is what you want, you are free to do so…-

-You don't get it! You just rip us from our well-established lives and throw us into nothingness. It is all well and done to you because you have some human pets that keep you busy and focused, but what of the rest of us? Somehow, now we have to rethink our whole lives. Some of us were happy with the life we had; Raphael is no different; he just wanted things back to what he knew, what felt comfortable with. Would you blame him for that simple wish? Have you forgotten the fates? You rendered them all useless, NOT YOUR GOD, you! And when they needed some guidance what did you do?-

-I push them aside…-

-and threatened to kill them…-

-They started first…I mean…- Castiel sighed. He stood up and paced around. -I thought…- he tried to explain and sat again, looking at Abaddon -I thought we could all evolve, become something more…-

-We can…- Abaddon says softly and smile at him.

Castiel smiled back but it faded away quickly -But Raphael showed me otherwise…Everybody has their own pace and their own learning curve. I force everyone to change by making them face the unexpected with no rules and no guidance…I flipped that hotcake and expected everybody to be happy about it.-

-Because it's what I want.- said Raphael as Castiel remembered back the conversation.

-Well, the other angels won't let you.-

- Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They're soldiers. They weren't built for freedom. They were built to follow.-

- Then I won't let you.- Castiel stood up to Raphael.

- Really? You?-

Raphael stood from his chair and hit Castiel with his power.

-I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week.- recounted Castiel. He remembered opening his eyes, laying on the floor, bleeding profusely and coughing blood. Unable to stand up. Raphael closed in.

- Tomorrow you kneel, Castiel...Or you and anyone with you dies.- he sentenced.

Back in Ellsworth house. Bobby and the brothers inspected the house inch by inch.

-Hey...The place is clean.- confirmed Sam.

-Yeah, but it's...It's like "Mr. Clean" clean, you know? It's kind of OCD for your average demon.- came Bobby from the other room.

- Yeah. So what now?-

- We'd call Cas.- suggested Dean

-What?-

-This is usually the point where we would call Cas for help.- Dean reminded them.

-We talked about this.- warned Sam

- Yeah, Dean.-

- No, you talked. I listened. This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one...And we were stuck - and I mean really stuck - he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many freakin' times. This is Cas! Don't we owe him the benefit of the doubt at least?- Sam and Bobby knew what he meant, so they took a deep breath and stepped back.

- Castiel...This is really important, okay? Um...We really need to talk to you.- Sam closed his eyes and called, but nobody came.

- Castiel...Come on in.- called Dean now. They looked around, but again, nobody came.

- I didn't go to them...Because I knew they would have questions I couldn't answer...Because I was afraid. -Castiel recounted looking at them from afar invisible.

-Cas is busy.- expressed Dean somehow disappointed.

- That's all right. Shall we…Shall we call Aby instead?.- proposed Sam. They look at each other, holding their breath. Castiel looked interested.

-I think we could try…- started Bobby

-We should…- Dean affirmed, and Sam nodded. They all looked at each other again -Who is going to call her?- they looked at Dean.

-Fine!- Dean cleared his throat -Uh…Aby? Are you there? Can we…Can we talk? Please? We could really use your help…-

Castiel held his breath and waited expectantly with them, but she didn't come. He, too with the others, sighed in disappointment.

-Back to square one.- said Bobby.

- Great. Well, what do we do now?- Dean asked.

-Well, we caught one hunter demon before. We can do it again.- encourage Bobby.

-Dean!- shouted Sam when Dean was attacked by a demon coming out of nowhere, as were Bobby and him.

-Crowley says "hi."- said the demon when he pinned down Dean.

-Crowley sent his very best. I was caught as much by surprise as the rest of them. And it left me with yet another choice. I could reveal myself and smite the demons. Of course, Crowley wouldn't like it. But on the other hand, they were my friends.- Castiel recounted.

Castiel made a decision. He shows himself and smites the demons.

- For a brief moment...I was me again.- he remembered.

- It is good to see you, Cas.- said Dean relief when Castiel approached to help him stand up.

- You all right?-

- Yeah. Perfect timing, Cas.- Sam said as he went to Bobby to help him up.

- I'm glad I found you. I come with news.-

- Yeah? What?- Dean follow up.

- I firmly believe Crowley is alive.- Castiel said robotically.

- Yeah. You think, Sherlock?- joked Dean -Well, Bobby, what do we think about Cas saving our asses...Again?- he turned around to Bobby and Sam.

-I think we owe you an apology.- came Bobby

- Why?- Castiel plays dumb.

-We've been hunting Crowley this whole time...And keeping it from you.- explained Sam.

-We thought...You were working with him.- continued Bobby.

- Really?- exclaimed Castiel, or at least he tried.

- I know. It's crazy, right?- Dean looked so relieved.

-It's just that you torched the wrong bones… It doesn't matter. We - we were wrong.- Bobby apologized again.

- You know...You could've just asked me.- approached Castiel to Bobby.

-HAHAHA Ask you? so you could keep laying straight to their faces? What has the world gone to if you can trust not even an angel anymore- interrupted Abaddon again.

-I was scared…This freedom got me discovering things I did not know I was capable of…Is honestly scary….- Castiel lowered his voice and his head.

-I know…- she said softly.

-And we should have come to you. We never should've doubted you. It's just that...- Dean stopped and rephrased - I just hope you can forgive us.- The hunters came clean.

-Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie.- Castiel recounted.

-It's forgotten.- Castiel answered.

-Thanks.- smiled Dean.

-Yeah. Thanks, Cas.- reaffirmed Sam.

- It is a little absurd, though.- smiled Castiel

- I know, I know.- said Bobby.

- Superman going to the dark side. I'm still just Castiel.-

-Busted!- interrupted Abaddon, but she was not laughing or mocking him.

-I don't know why I said that…-

-Your whole being wanted out of the lie…You could not say it straight, so you wanted to get busted – observe Abaddon

-Is that so?-

-You know, there is a curious pattern with liars? For instance, the police have noticed that when a killer who has been successful in getting away with murder suddenly starts making mistakes or becomes sloppy is because wants to get caught- she looked at Castiel- they are bored and want out, but they can just hand themselves over so they continue killing until they get busted-

Castiel looked at her curiously -You are comparing me with a killer…-

-All lies are killers; there is no such thing as white lies or innocence when you meant to lie- She looked at him -We all want to live free, even serial killers, and lies are big burdens that start to pile up and weigh us down, so our body's natural defense is to shake them off, come clean…or busted in this case. Your whole self betrayed you since your clear mind won't do it itself.- her finger stretched to his forehead. Castiel closed his eyes; there was indeed a big burden that had rolled off his shoulders, but facing other people's disappointment was yet another lesson he had to learn the hard way.

- I guess we can put away the Kryptonite, right?-Deans voice was acid, followed by a sympathetic smile.

-Exactly- Castiel smiled back.

-Of course, I didn't realize it at the time. But it was all over. Right then - just like that.-

Castiel was back at Crowley's lab, upset. The door blew out as he walked in.

-You sent demons after them? After I told you I could handle them?-

- You kill my hunters. Why can't I kill yours?-

- They are my friends!.-

- They were MY INVALUABLE HUNTERS! What's your point? You can't have friends Castiel, not anymore. I mean, my God. You're losing it!-

- I'm fine.-

- Yeah. You're the very picture of mental health, obsessed over your dead friend, and now this. Come on. You don't think I know what this is all about?-

- Enlighten me.-

- The big lie - the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And as long as they still believe it, YOU get to believe it. Well, I have news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore, is a whore…-

Castiel shoves Crowley against the wall breaking the titles and making a hole.

- I'm only gonna say this once. If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down—our arrangement - everything. I'm still an Angel, I will bury you AND SHE IS NOT DEAD!- and with that, Castiel disappears.

-I asked myself, "what was I doing with this vermin?"- recounted Castiel.

-This is not how synergy works!- protested Crowley shouting into the empty space.

-As if I didn't already know the answer. Raphael was stronger than me. I wouldn't survive a straight fight.- Castiel remembers when he was in heaven, lying on the floor covered in his own blood before Raphael's feet. He felt despair and frustration. Not an ounce of power in him to make a real difference.

- I went to an old friend for help. But watching him, I stopped. Everything he sacrificed, and I was about to ask him for more.- recounted Castiel.

He was standing behind Dean as he gathered dead leaves in Lisas's backyard. Crowley came from behind Castiel. They were both invisible to Dean.

- Ah, Castiel. Angel of Thursday. Just not your day is it?-

- What are you doing here?- he answered with annoyance.

- I want to help you help me help ourselves.-

- Speak plain.-

- I want to discuss a simple business transaction. That's all.-

-You want to make a deal? With me? I'm an Angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell.-

-But that's it, isn't it? It's all of it. It's the souls. It all comes down to the souls in the end, doesn't it?-

- What in the hell are you talking about?-

-I'm talking about Raphael's head on a pike. I'm talking about happy endings for all of us, with all possible engenders intended. Come on. Just a chat.-

- I have no interest in talking with you.-

- Why not? I'm very interested. Come on. Hear me out. Five minutes. No obligations. I promise. I'll make it worth your while.-

-I was no fool. I knew who Crowley was and what he did. But I was smarter than him, stronger. I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.- recounted Castiel.

Castiel followed Crowley. They entered a long corridor. Countless souls stand in line. The newest arrival takes number 6,611,527,124 from the take-a-number dispenser.

- Where are we?- asked Castiel.

-You don't recognize it, do you? It's Hades, new and improved. I did it myself.-

-This is Hell?-

- Yeah. See, problem with the old place was that most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of "thank you, sir. Can I have another hot spike up the jacksie?" But just look at them. No one likes waiting in line.- laughed Crowley.

-And what happens when they reach the front?-

- Nothing. They go right back to the end again. That's efficiency.-

- You have four minutes left.- reminded Castiel.

- What are you planning to do about Raphael?-

- What can I do besides submit or die?-

-Maybe to die was the right decision…unless you wanted to submit…- interrupted Abaddon

-That was my freedom? I was brought back to life to choose between being extinguished from this world, again, or continuing to live under somebody else feet? - Castiel scoffed. Abaddon was not laughing.

Castiel lowered his head and muttered -Maybe I should have… choose to die…again… At least, I would have been rid of all this…stupidity…-

-But then again, with nobody to oppose Raphael, he would have brought out the apocalypse, and everybody would be dead…-

-They would have stopped it either way… Even if I am not around-Castiel mumbled.

-So why do all this? If you are so confident, they could have stopped Raphael.- Abaddon asked.

Castiel looked at her, doubt in his eyes. Would the brothers be able to stop Raphel when he could not?

-Castiel sighed – Maybe I never did all of this for them to begin with…maybe it was all about me…-

-And there is nothing wrong about that, Castiel. Being good doesn't automatically mean being selfless all the time, but the question remains: what is our motivation?-

- Submit or die? What are you, French? How about resist?- suggested Crowley

- I'm not strong enough, and you know it.-

- Ah, not on your own, you're not. But you're not on your own, are you? There's a lot of angels swooning over you. "God's favorite." Buddy boy, you've got what they call sex appeal.-

- Thank you. Get to the point.-

- Angels need leaders, so be one. Gather your army and kick the candy out of each and every angel that shows up for Raphael.-

- Are you proposing that I start a civil war in heaven?-

-Ding! Ding! Ding! Tell him what he's won, Vanna.-

- You're asking me to be the next Lucif.-

- Please. Lucif was a petulant child with daddy issues. Cas, you love your god. Your god loves you. He brought you back. Did it occur to you that maybe he did this so you could be the new sheriff upstairs?-

- This is ridiculous. I mean, the amount of power that it would take to mount a war...-

- More than either of us have ever seen, yeah. But what if I said I knew how to go nuclear?-

- What do you mean?-

- Purgatory, my fine feathered friend. Purgatory. Just think about it. An untapped oil well of every fanged, clawed soul. I mean, what's that over the years? 30 million? 40 million? Just sitting there, plump and rich for the taking.-

-How would you even find it when no one ever has?-

- We'll need expert help.-

- From whom?-

- From experts, of course. I know of two eerily suited 'Instagram' models with time on their hands.-

- No. Not Dean. He's retired, and he's to stay that way.-

- Fine. Then I know of a certain big, bald patriarch I can take off the bench. The point is...They can get us to the monsters. The monsters can get us to Purgatory. I know it.-

-And what's your price in all of this?-

- Just half.-

-Half?-

- My position isn't all that stable, ducky. Those souls would help, just like they'd help you. Besides, wouldn't you rather have me in charge down here? The devil you know...-

- This is pointless. Your plan would take months, and I need help now.-

- Granted. Yes. But just to show you how serious I am about this scheme...How about I float you a little loan? Say, 50 large? 50,000 souls from the pit. You can take them up to heaven. Make quite a showing. It's either this or the Apocalypse all over again. Everything you've worked for - everything that Sam and Dean have worked for - gone. You can save us, Castiel. God chose you to save us. And I think...Deep down...You know that.-

-I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment...- Recounted Castiel-Or the next.-

Castiel entered Raphael's heaven and approached him. He smiled at Castiel, thinking he came to plead his alliance. Instead, Castiel uses the power of the souls borrowed from Crowley to remove Raphael.

-There will be no Apocalypse. And let it be known - you're either with Raphael, or you're with me.- Castiel stated to the angels in the room and left.

-And so went the long road of good intentions...The road that brought me here.-

Back at Ellsworth's house.

-Castiel, uh...We need you for a little powwow down here, so come on down.- called Dean with a mock tone. He was holding a bottle of whisky, drinking it directly. He might be a little drunk.

- Hello.- came Castiel, unsuspecting.

- Oh, Johnny on the spot.- came Bobby

- You're still here.- said Castiel, a little surprised to be called back to Ellworth's house.

- Yeah, we had to bury the bodies.- explained Sam

- And we found a little whiskey. Thanks for coming.- Castiel did notice that Dean was looking a little weary. The others were kind of keeping their distance and having their drinks.

-How can I help?- approached Castiel.

- Oh, look. We, um - we have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley.- said Sam.

- What is it?- Castiel walks up to them curiously. He walked up to the open space in the room right in the middle.

Bobby lights a match and drops it on the floor by Castiel's feet, trapping him in a ring of holy fire -It's you.- he explained.

- What are you doing?- demanded Castiel.

- We gotta talk.- Dean stood up

- About what? Let me go!-

- About Superman. And Kryptonite.-

-Oh! The cat was out of the bag – laughed Abaddon – I got to hand it to them; they are excellent hunters…-

Castiel smiled. -Yeah…They finally got me… In my defense, I let them…I became sloppy…I am so tired…I wish you had been there with me… maybe I wouldn't have been so lost…-

-Trapped with you in a holy ring of fire?- she laughed -Sounds tempting but no thanks…-

Castiel chuckled -I didn't mean for you to be trapped with me…-

-I know- she interrupted

-Castiel took a deep breath. His smile faded – I know…- he repeated.

- How'd you know what I said?- demanded Bobby.

-How long have you been watching us?- demanded now, Sam.

- You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies.- Dean's tone was utterly disappointed.

Castiel sighed. There was nothing else to say. The cat was indeed out. -Okay, just wait. I don't even know what you mean.- he tried to deviate, but he knew it was futile.

- What about this demon craphole? How is it so, uh..."Next to godliness" clean in here?- interrogated Sam

-And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?- Bobby follow up.

- It's complicated… -

- Complicared! You got to look at me, man. You got to level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley.- interrupted Dean. Castiel did as he asked; he looked Dean in the eye but could say nothing.

-You son of a bitch!- Dean had a stern look on his face.

-Let me explain.- tried Castiel, but at this point, everybody was feeling too betrayed to understand meaningless apologies.

-You're in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after Purgatory together his whole time?- Dean was outraged.

- I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.- defended Castiel

- Protect us how? By opening a hole into Monsterland!- Sam argued.

-He's right, Cas. One drop got through, and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam?- Bobby continued.

- To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me.- Castiel defended.

- Trust you?! How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?- Sam's tone of voice sounded hurt.

- I'm still me. I'm still your friend. Sam...I'm the one who raised you from Perdition.-

-Oh! The last nail on the coffin!- intervened Abaddon.

-Now that I think about it, that was the start of this spiral of lies and hiding things from each other...Nothing I did was the right thing anymore. I raised Sam…I was to blame because I did it wrong; I tried my best to correct it, but to no avail. Then I tried my best, again, to keep them safe, and I am still to blame….-

- What? Well, no offense...But you did a pretty piss-poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless...On purpose?- Sam demanded.

Castiel mouthed, speechless - How could you think that?- he finally responded.

- Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas.-

-So, this is it? Has everything I did up to this point been invalidated? Now I have been branded public enemy number one, and that's it?- Castiel argued and everyone felt silent. It was then that Castiel recalled those words from Abaddon: at least for humans, trust is a luxury… very easy to break. Castiel felt for the first time a hurting knob in his throat.

– Listen- he tried to negotiate - Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice...-

-No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.- Dean faced him.

-I had other choices? Give me the lowdown…What were my so many other choices? Because as far as I had on my plate, I could choose between only two, either die or submit to Raphael and let the apocalypse be unleashed either way…-

-You had us…- Dean reminded him.- and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!-

-Oh! So it's fine and well for all of you to go about making pacts with the devil, but when the angel does it, that is the end of it. None of you had a choice when you decided to kiss the devil…why can't you believe me when I say neither, did I? And how was it that I got you? YOU were retired, and he was locked away…-

-Wait! It goes back that far?- Bobby exclaimed.

-I have been surviving all this time on borrow souls. I just need one boost to finish it all… We could all be finally free…I know it is a risky move, but that is all I got… Your distrust is just getting in the way…-

Again, Abaddon's voice jumped to Castiel's mind: You shouldn't be so willing to risk it all for so-called friends with less than an ounce of faith in you. Her words hurt him back then as they did right now; they waived on him hard. Castiel felt his head hurt; his hand tried to ease the pain by holding his forehead. He glitched. It was just a second.

- You should've come to us for help, Cas. There is always another option…- Dean reproached him.

-You make it sound so simple. You were retired and finally living a happy life…- he muttered and passed around his tiny circle. His eyes hid in his hand as he rubbed his pained head.

-Don't use me as your excuse…I would have left anything in a heartbeat…If only you had asked…- said Dean softly

-I didn't want you to…- Castiel mumbled.

They all fell silent. This was a friend messing it big to try to keep another friend out of trouble.

-Castiel…where is Abaddon?- finally asked Bobby -She is usually with you…-

-As you can see, she is not with me…- he felt annoyed by the question.

-What exactly happened back then? We had to leave her behind and…- Sam follow up but were interrupted.

-So?- Castiel turned around to Sam, his eyes were unfocused – Now you think that I killed her too?-

-Castiel, calm down… -Dean intervened - We are just concerned… She was in really bad shape when we had to leave her behind. Neither of you had the decency to let us know what is really happening. She was usually with you and now she is not? Seriously! What is going on? You are lying…You are hiding things from us…-

-Do you really even care, or is it just morbid curiosity?- Castiel challenged Dean. Dean took a step back, fear evident in his eyes. Castiel's eyes were glowing with an eerie red light. Bobby and Sam exchanged worried glances, sensing the growing tension.

- Here, I am trying to save you all, but that doesn't matter because I did a deal with the devil…I am an evil spy. Who knows what my evil deeds truly are? -Castiel turned to Sam; he could see now why Dean looked so rattled, and he, too, backed away.

- I bring you back to life from a dreadful prison, soulless; yeah, I admit that was MY mistake. I was full of myself, thinking I could reunite both of you. How foolish of me! Because everybody knows the best outcome would have been to let you rot in there forever… And that would have served YOU just fine -Castiel spat at Dean, his voice laced with bitterness. -You finally got a hold of an everyday normal life…Heartless of me to bring back your soulless brother and pluck you out of your comfortable life for one of miserable vagrants and warriors. I could have listened to her from the beginning, but no, because I have this…this sickening need to help you…I left her behind to help YOU…I left her all alone because I thought YOU needed me more….HOW STUPID OF ME!- Castiel's voice echoed, his usually calm demeanor shattered. For the first time, they saw the depths of his despair, the weight of his mistakes bearing down on him.

Nobody saw Dean lunge forward, his fist connecting with Castiel's jaw. Castiel, unfazed, stared back at Dean. Dean, infuriated, grabbed Castiel by the collar, pulling him close. Sam and Bobby tensed, bracing for what was to come.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD US. YOU DO NOT HIDE SOMETHING LIKE THAT FROM HAPPENDED TO HER? WHERE IS SHE?- Dean demanded.

Castiel pushed Dean away, his eyes glowing an ominous red. A wisp of white smoke began to emanate from his body.

-Castiel…please calm down – Bobby called.

-I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS…I went back to the dinner; SHE WASN'T THERE. I turned every stone in this darn planet…I even had Crowley look for her….SHE DISAPEARED…- the whole place trembled. Castiel stopped dead in his tracks; there was something streaming down his face. He felt his cheek, his hand came back wet, there were tears.

-Castiel, please calm down…- Sam pleaded, his voice filled with concern. It was unnerving to see Castiel so agitated, so unlike his usual composed self.

-She is important to me... and I lost her…again… -Castiel muttered, his voice filled with despair. The place continued to shake violently. Now, horrific howls echoed from outside. The room plunged into darkness. Bobby, Dean, and Sam exchanged worried glances.

-It's too late now… I can't turn back… I can't…- Castiel muttered. The walls started to crack and fall.

- It's not too late. Damn it, Cas! We can fix this!- Dean tried to approach him.

- Dean, it's not broken! RUN! You have to run now! Just go away!- Castiel shouted, his voice fading as his head lolled back. His body went limp and began to float, enveloped in a blinding light.

-CAS!- Dean shouted, but it was no use. The place was falling apart. Sam and Bobby grabbed Dean and pulled him to the door. He gave one last look at Castiel before leaving.

From outside, they all saw the house being consumed by darkness. One ray of light was coming out projecting to the night sky until it was consumed. The hunters departed from that place, there was nothing they could do.

-My, my. Playing with fire again?- Crowly emerged from the pitch darkness.

Castiel was engulfed in fire. The flames raged, but he seemed comfortable inside them. Crowley observed a disembodied hand go into the flames and touch Castiel's forehead. The flames dissipated and Castiel fell to the floor breathless.

-What was all that?- Asked Crowley.

-I don't have an answer right now, but if you touch the Winchesters...-

- Please. I heard you the first time. I promise - nary a hair on their artfully tousled heads. Besides, I think they've proven my point for me. It's always your friends, isn't it, in the end? We try to change. We try to improve ourselves. It's always our friends who got to claw into our sides and hold us back. But you know what I see here? The new God(pointing at Castiel)and the new Devil, working together.-

- Crowley…not now, please just get out of my sight.-

- Well...Glad I came. You're welcome, by the way.The darkness starts to dissipate. The moonlight is able to enter through the windows and now open ceiling. Crowly approached Castiel carefully -You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?- Crowley disappeared. Castiel was left in the abandoned place gasping for air, feeling dread and a little nauseated.

- Hello, Dean.- Castiel casually greeted Dean half asleep on the sofa back at Bobby's house.

- How'd you get in here?- Dean had jumped out of the sofa startled.

- The angel-proofing Bobby put up on the house - he got a few things wrong.- Castiel commented.

- Well, it's too bad we got to angel-proof in the first place, isn't it? Why are you here?-

- I want you to understand.-

- Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah, blah, Raphael, right?-

Castiel paused for a second and stared at him. - Is more than that…but thank you for understanding… I…I thought I was doing all this for you…-

- Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.-

- You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will… -

- You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!-

-L I know what I'm doing, Dean.-

- I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it.

- I don't understand…-

- Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family - that you are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something...You got to trust me, man.-

-I thought trust goes both ways…I firmly believe this is my only choice…To keep you all safe…-

- If you don't stop, I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you.-

- It is not my intention to hurt anybody. I just need the souls to finish Raphael, and this will all be over…-

-We adverted the apocalypse without resourcing to monster's souls. We can finish Raphael as well. There must be another way!-

-We…don't have that sort of time anymore. I was given two choices and only one day to decide. I stretched that time up until here, but my strength is fading. Resorting to my human friends who are less powerful than I am to solve my problems was just going to get them in the middle of a war against elephants when they are just ants. I was not about to bring them to that massacre. You can't stop me, Dean. You're just a man. I'm an angel.-

-hahaha- Dean laughed bitterly – You just talked like her, always comparing us to insignificant ants…Oh, mighty elephants! Well, since the two of you are one of a kind let me answer you the same way: I don't know Cas, I think my experience says otherwise. I've taken some pretty big fish before.-

-Maybe…I should have indeed let myself be removed from the equation so you two could have a clear shot at Raphael…-

-Don't say such idiotic things…- Dean interrupted

-You call an angel idiotic? -Castiel chuckled - If Raphael doesn't kill me, then you would…eventually - he turned and looked out through the window. His blue, piercing eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

-You have the same she had…You are also infected aren't you?-

Castiel sighed and looked at him- I was afraid for you. I'm sorry, Dean.-

-That's your mistake, you shouldn't have…l, I'm sorry, too.

Castiel turned to leave

-We are…we are looking for her, our own way…- Dean quickly added.

-I appreciated that…truly –

-Castiel!- Dean's hand took him by his arm in an impulse. -It doesn't have to end like this…-

-I am a monster now…Hunters do what they need to do -Castiel disappeared.

Dean's hand fell to his side. He did not notice at that time, but it was covered with speaks or burning ashes that disappeared in his hand.

-So, that's everything.- Castiel recounted and placed his head on his hands tired and sighed - I believe it's what you would call a...Tragedy from the human perspective. But maybe the human perspective is...Limited. I don't know. That's why I'm asking you, Father. Once more, before I take this final step. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me...A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don't...I'm gonna ju- I'm gonna do whatever I... Whatever I must.-

-Giving up on free will so soon? Now you want to be lead, or are you asking for some advice? -Castiel turned around; he could swear he definitively heard her voice. –'Cause I can give you some free advice… let me give you a piece of my mind…If you still want it, that is…-

Abaddon was sitting there by his side. She had a worried look on her face. Her hair was still a little different, goldish and reddish; her eyes were of a bright amber. She was dressed all white, with a white sweater, white shirt, and white muffins for her ears.

- You were on the right track, Castiel… or at least your heart was; you wanted to help, but uncertainty and fear are a drag, and that is why we all prefer to stay in the known instead of tapping into the unknown freedom…Don't you think is just easy to follow orde…- she started to explain but could not complete her idea. Castiel took her in his arms and pulled her up to him.

He pressed against her, he could feel her warmth, but it wasn't enough. His whole body warped around her. He buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent, finding comfort in her closeness. He held them as tight as he could; her heartbeat was a soothing lullaby.

Abaddon's head was perching on Castiel's shoulder. Her eyes were looking at an open clear sky. She closed her eyes, and her arms moved. This was the first time after she came back from that horrible other dimension that she was finally able to give him a hug. Her arms surrounded him and rested on his wide back.

She buried her head in his neck as well. It smells like fresh snow with a hint of burnt.

-Where were you?- he whispered.

-I was lost…In a dark place…I saw your light from the distance. calling…I follow…You guide me here…-

-From a dark place?- he repeated.

-Say Castiel, would you like to make a pact with me?-