CHAPTER 11
There's always a choice
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"We've got two leads" Blackburn anxiously tells me as soon as I step into the Command Center, "and they need to be followed right now, almost at the same time" he explains, but I'm still confused, and Lisa gets inside the Command Center right at that time. Blackburn repeats what he just told me, and now we're both confused.
"Foxtrot's here. I saw them at the cafeteria earlier, they could chase one of the leads" I suggest.
"No" Blackburn shakes his head, anxious, and he's already buzzing the guys from his special teams' phone, "They left fifteen minutes ago, right before the CIA told me the news. They went out on an urgent op too, and they need almost their entire team for it. Only a couple of them will come back to help us, they must be arriving soon. The thing is, one of the guys we captured at Samin's house blurted, but we also got a lead from the courier that delivers Junior's meds", he glances at Lisa, and she nods.
"Can the guys follow both leads at once? Do they have enough man power to do that?" I ask, and I'm extremely worried. Sometimes one lead is better than two, for sure. But we couldn't tell which was the best yet.
"With two of the guys from Foxtrot, yes. Jason will have to split his team, probably he'll lead one op and Ray the other. And we'll stay here coordinating both of them at the same time. They'll need to gear up as soon as possible", Blackburn says, and Lisa and I look at each other, serious, and start to arrange the comms and get everything ready. It's a very stressful situation, for sure.
The guys almost run inside, because Blackburn said it was extremely urgent, and he tells them what happened. Jason and Ray talk to each other real quick, and they divide the teams. Jason, Trent, Thomas and Jonas, which is from Foxtrot, will go with him, because then Jason will have two shooters, himself included, and one explosive specialist, which is Thomas. They'll get inside a building that can lead to a tunnel network. And Ray, Clay, Sonny, Full Metal and Brock will take the other op, which was to follow the courier. This way, Ray will also have two shooters and an explosive specialist. Ray wanted Jason to take the fifth guy, but Jason insisted he'd go with four guys and Ray with five, especially since he wasn't used to leading the team.
"Hey" I almost jog to where the guys are, to catch them before they leave. They're gearing up as they walk, because they had to put on full uniform too, so it took a little longer. "Come back safe guys. We'll be here following you, we'll keep you informed, ok" I tell them, and they nod, grateful for the encouragement. "Get Junior, if you can" I say, vindictive, and now they grin. I glance at Jason, and he comes closer, so the others won't hear it.
I look up at him, while we walk. "Please be careful" I say, and he nods, smirking.
"Always am" he huskily says.
I touch his arm. "Ray will do great. He's a leader too" I assure him, because he's obviously mostly agitated because of that. He nods, serious, and walks away with the rest of the guys.
.
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For our despair, which is, mine, Lisa's, Blackburn's and Austin's despair, both teams end up getting inside networks of tunnels, and we have no comms with them inside. Jason calls Havoc first, letting us know that they're all ok but that there was an explosion that blocked the tunnel right in front of them, and they have to come back. When Jason arrives, there's still no sign of Ray and his team, and he's almost exploding of tension inside the Command Center. But Blackburn calms him down, because he and Ray agreed on a 60 minutes time frame, and it had only passed 40 minutes. I notice that Jason is covered in gray dust from the explosion, and there's a lot of gunpowder on his face. Obviously, he was really close to the explosion when it happened, but he harshly tells us he's fine, so we keep quiet.
When 50 minutes passed, Jason starts walking out the door to rescue the guys, against Blackburn's orders, but Clay suddenly calls us on the comms, tells us that they're all good, and points the drone to where it could follow the vehicles that are heading to Junior's hideout, probably. And we all celebrate. By the fire pit, that evening.
"Thomas told me you were almost blown up" I tell Jason, with a disapproval stare, and he pouts.
"He's exaggerating. I came a lot closer than that to being blown up before" he cockily but harshly says, "almost a year ago, actually. But I was ok, too. Just normal things that happen".
I'm amused by his denial; the guys were really worried for him. "So, it's a yearly thing. You should stay away from explosives during those periods, if possible" I tease, and he finally smirks.
"I'll do my best. Don't worry" he says, hovering again. He likes to occupy space in front and over me, for sure. He probably always does that to other women, I'll have to pay more attention to that. He never does that to Lisa, though. Or Jessica.
I smirk at him, then lean on a pole near the fire pit. "Well, at least it was worth it. The drone followed the vehicles that Clay pointed to us, and they made a stop near the point of your explosion. So with CIA's computers, we'll be able to pinpoint, in one or two days, Junior's location. Without your tunnels, we'd take weeks. Apparently, his hideout is in the mountains. Blackburn's already calling other teams to help you guys out".
"Good. I'm glad" he mutters, holding his beer and looking at me. He's lazily gazing at me, but I don't deviate from his stare either.
"Jason" I call him, and he just hums and continues to look at me, amused, "do you know anything about our eye witness, by any chance?" I ask, playful. I'm still nervous about it, but sometimes laughter is the best medicine, for my nerves.
He pouts, finally taking his eyes off of me. "No. Nobody said anything yet. I'm sure I'll find out soon. I just didn't have enough time to talk to the guys".
I nod, anxious, then keep quiet. I look around the place and notice that Ray is constantly glancing to where we are, so I nod goodbye to Jason and make my way to talk to other people, like Austin, who is always friendly and a bit of a flirt, and Thomas, who is there drinking beer with Trent and Sonny. I keep talking to both of them for a long time, so that Ray stops looking suspiciously at me and Jason. I don't look or talk to Jason not even once after that.
We all go to bed early that night, the guys are tired because the ops were very eventful, and us Officers also dealt with a lot of stress during their ops.
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"Good morning, you sassy girl" Lisa joyfully greets me on the next morning after the double op. It's still quite early, and I'm still wearing my big t-shirt as sleepwear. I'd never bring a sexy nightgown to J-Bad.
"Got news?" I ask, with a sleepy face, and let her in. I ignore the 'sassy girl' comment, because I have no idea of what's going on about that.
"No. I just came to check on you. We haven't talked in a while about girls' stuff" she says, sitting on the chair, with wide eyes.
I shrug, and walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I'm hungry and Lisa obviously wants to go to the cafeteria too, that's why she's so early in my cabin.
"You know. Nothing new" I terribly lie. I can be a great liar, but I kind of wanted Lisa to know that something happened.
"What? Tell me. Now" she demands, anxious.
I tease her, calmly brushing my teeth, then washing my face, then when I start to brush my hair, she walks closer to me, impatient.
"You're kidding me, right? Just tell me. Did you sleep with the Master Chief? I need to know" she anxiously asks.
I smirk at her, and someone knocks on my door. At this hour, it's probably Blackburn or Austin, they call us to have breakfast, and since the t-shirt is long, and looks like a dress, I open the door.
Jason is there, staring at me with a stern face.
"Hi" I barely say, worried that maybe something happened, but he doesn't even give me time to say anything else, he walks and pushes me into the cabin, holding my waist, and kisses me, shutting the door behind him. "Jason" I can barely say, pushing his chest, but he's a bull.
"Oh, good morning Jason", Lisa playfully says, seated on the chair.
Jason finally realizes that we're not alone and distances from me, looking at Lisa with wide, wide eyes. His face is white, and his hands are still in the same position as if they were holding my waist. But there's only air.
Lisa can't restrain herself. "Well, well, Jason. Jesus. Like" she looks at her phone, "it's only 0745 hours. Someone woke up with an appetite, huh" she teases, and I can't hold a smile.
Jason stares at her, still serious, and then at me. There's only silence.
"Well, I'll leave you to it" Lisa says, smirking uncontrollably, "I'm hungry. Vicky, I suppose I shouldn't wait for you then, right?" she playfully says, and I shake my head, smirking. Lisa finally gets out of my cabin, raising an eyebrow, and shuts the door behind her.
"Oh, fuck" Jason finally reacts, and instead of white, his face now is blushing. "Oh, dear fuck" he says again, walking around my room, then he looks at me, exasperated. "Why didn't you say anything? Or stopped me?" he almost yells at me, desperate.
"Well" I say, amused by his despair, "I tried to, but you're fast" I say, sincere. But I calm him down when I notice he's too agitated. "Look, Lisa won't tell anyone. Believe me".
Jason stops and looks at me. "She didn't seem too surprised. Did you tell her about us?" he comes closer, annoyed.
But I'm the one annoyed. "No, Jason. I never told her that we slept together" I tell him, and that's true. I told her we dry-humped, just that. "And I'm telling you, she won't tell anyone, trust me. I mean, you said the same about the guys, right? That they would never tell Blackburn".
He places his hands on his hips, looking at me suspicious and thinking. He's wearing a t-shirt, a red plaid shirt and jeans, a combination that he uses a lot and makes him look insanely hot, very manly. Like he's about to cut some trees to build a table. Or a house.
"Maybe you're right" he finally says, after much consideration.
I sigh. "I am. Besides, you trusted her with the Xeon thing, right?" I casually tell him.
His eyes widen again. "She told you?" he asks, alarmed. Bingo.
I smirk at him. "No, Jason. You just did".
He keeps staring at me, with a serious but pensive face. "You're smart", he concludes.
"Why are you here so early?" I ask him, suspicious. Of course he was in the mood for sex, butit wasvery early for visits like that.
He crosses his arms and looks down. He seems a little shy. "I was coming to call you for breakfast" he says, then he looks up again. "But I changed my mind" he adds, with a dangerous stare.
I smirk at him. He's insatiable. "Is that so?Whatchanged your mind" I casually ask, leaning on the desk. Not seductive, just leaning.
Jason doesn't say anything, he just walks closer and stands in front of me. Then, he looks at me with a strange look, he's hungry alright, but also he looks hesitant, and distressed at the same time. He looks down at my legs and grabs my thighs, then pushes them until I sit on the desk. He stares at me, still with that distressed look, while he moves his hands to my core, and I lick my lips, nervous, but don't say anything. He pulls my panties down my feet, then he immediately comes back and touches my core with his entire hand. Obviously, it's very wet, because that's what happens when he keeps staring at me like that, and he finally changes his expression. He proudly smiles at me as soon as he feels I'm wet.
Jason casually leans towards me and kisses my lips slowly, while he presses my clit with his thumb and puts two fingers inside of me, touching my soft spot there. He moves his fingers with force, then lazily kisses my neck. And all of that while not saying anything. I gasp with his touch, squirm my legs, and press his shoulder and shirt when I'm close to my orgasm. I close my eyes to focus, trying to avoid louder moans, and hear him opening his belt and jeans with one hand. He knows I'm close and I know what follows next.
He kisses me deeply when he feels I'm going to come, so he can muffle the sounds, and I'm glad that he did that, because even with his lips on mine I release a short moan that I couldn't avoid, as soon as I come around his rough fingers.
I'm still twitching and recovering my breath when he pushes my lower back, sliding me closer to the edge of the desk, and thrusts into me. We both quietly moan almost in unison, and he holds my lower back so I won't slide back while he makes his way to the end. He immediately begins to thrust into me, slowly but hard, like he's punishing me for something. An amazing punishment, but even so. Is just that I don't even know what I've done.
"Jesus, Jason" I end up mumbling to him, because he's unstoppable and I don't even know what to do with my hands or legs. I press and pull his shirt with my hands, and I feel like I'm pleading him to tell me what I've done. He's now smiling at me, amused by my confusion. I'm loving his mysterious silent vibe, but I'm too curious to not ask. "What's going on?"
'"Nothin'" he casually answers, smiling and quietly grunting. "Just in the mood" he explains, not explaining anything, then he suddenly looks at me and slows down. "If you don't want to, I'll stop" he says, but not teasing, he's serious.
"No" I quickly answer, and he smiles with my fast response. I regret not acting more mysterious, because now he knows I'm liking this too much. And he starts to thrust slowly and hard again. This time, he moves his hand under my big t-shirt and squeezes my breast.
He's keeping his lips on mine while he's quietly grunting and I'm quietly moaning. Then someone knocks on my door. He immediately stops and looks at me with wide eyes.
The person knocks again, but we wait, quiet, and then the person seems to have gone away, but not five seconds later, my phone starts to loudly buzz, and Jason looks at me alarmed, which is the exact same way as I look at him. He helps me come down of the desk, silently, and he comes with me to look at who's calling on my phone. It's Thomas.
Jason's face immediately shuts down and I run to the bathroom door to take the call, with an anxious voice.
"Hey" I answer, as if I'm in a hurry, and I am. I'd like to continue being fucked by Jason, if possible.
"Vicky?" we hear Thomas' voice on the other side of the door, but not too close, he's probably down the stairs of my cabin. "Are you in your room?"
"Yes" I quickly and casually answer, because Thomas definitely heard it buzzing from outside. "Just got out of the shower. Why?".
"Oh. Ok. I just came by to see if you wanted to have breakfast now. I know you're usually awake at this hour" he gently says. Jason gives me a killer look, and starts to put his junk back inside his pants, annoyed. That's sad.
"Oh. Hum. Sure. Look, I'll take a while, though. I need to dry my hair and stuff" I quickly tell him.
"Oh, yes, of course. I'll tell you what, I'm not that hungry. I'll hang around, or sit there with the guys, so I'll wait to eat with you. Just come by whenever you're ready. No rush" he says, all cute and friendly.
"Ah, there's no need" I pointlessly gesture to the air, smiling at no one, while Jason looks at me, grumpy, with his hands on his hips. He obviously feels like a third wheel.
"Nah. It's okay. I'll wait. See you there" Thomas finally starts to walk away from the front of my cabin, and I quickly tell him goodbye and end the call.
There's a silence in the room, and Jason tries really hard to not look grumpy. He fails. But his voice does sound neutral, like he's just curious.
"Does he" he gestures between me and the door, "comes here often? Like" he stops, not really knowing how to finish the sentence. And he squirms his legs.
"To be honest, I think it's the first time that he's come here at this hour" I answer, placing my phone on the table, and purposely saying 'at this hour' to watch his reaction. He pouts a little, but says nothing.
I walk closer. "You're not jealous, are you?" I ask, but as if I knew it was impossible for him to be jealous. Of course, it'sverypossible. I'm very aware that men are territorial, even if they don't want anything serious with the girl. And Seals are a hundred times worse, for sure.
He shrugs. "Of course not. You did tell me you had an option for your boredom that time, right" he says, in a neutral tone, and closes his belt. I don't understand why he's leaving, but I don't want to sound desperate.
"If you're not jealous, then why are you leaving?" I ask, truly curious. I didn't think he'd leave, even if hewasjealous. He sighs, then shrugs again.
"It's just too risky. We almost got caught, like, twice, in a matter of half an hour, Victoria" he says, not annoyed, but resigned. Obviously, he doesn't think I'm worth the risk. It's his right, of course. But I feel miserable.
"Oh. Sure. You're right" I say, hating that he's right. But I also need to let him know something, too. Before he walks out the door.
"I shouldn't have let you come with us to get Samin" I tell him, serious, and he looks at me, confused. "And you shouldn't have come with us, either" I add, because I know I'm right.
He squirms, now annoyed. "Oh,really? And how did you and Ray would've handled ten tangos, huh?" he points out, still close to the door.
"We wouldn't have needed to. Trent would've come with us. Or Brock" I tell him, because I still know I'm right.
"Are you saying that they would've avoided all of that? Because they would have let you be grabbed by that disgusting guy at the market, huh?" he says, almost angry, with a hand on his hips, and gesticulating a lot with the other hand. He knew I was right, too, but he wouldn't admit it. He was too smart to not know what I was talking about.
"No, Jason. They would've done probably the same thing you did" I walk closer to him, talking in a low voice, because he was almost yelling. "They just wouldn't look as American as you" I state, and he absolutely knows I'm right. He swallows.
"You know you were the worst possible choice to have come with me and Ray, and I knew that too. Even Clay would've been a better choice, because at least he speaks arabic" I tell him all the things that he already knows.
"Are you saying that it was my fault that Samin's house was destroyed by terrorists?" he dangerously asks.
"No, Jason" I say, slightly smiling. "It wasmyfault. You didn't even know exactly what was going on. Blackburn probably told you he wanted guys that could pass by Afghani men, with handguns only, and you ignored him, like you do sometimes, but I already knew how I was going to approach Samin, and I needed two guys that could blend it, with me", I explain, and my eyes are filled with tears, because I felt guilty ever since. Of my own stubbornness and dumbness. Jason looks at me, frowning and serious.
I'd never admit the real reason why I let Jason go with me, which was, because I felt protected by him, and I missed him. Those were the idiotic reasons. I thought that Ray would be enough, and Jason would only serve as a backup, but I wasn't being professional enough. I knew that I needed a second guy that could blend in to stay near me, exactly to avoid the approach of other guys on the streets or at the market, or even to accompany Ray and Samin, if necessary, without the terrorists noticing that they were Americans.
"I thought that with Ray it was enough to get Samin, and you could just stay away, but deep down I should've stopped you and told you to go back and call Brock, or Trent, or Sonny. Anyone. But I let you ride with us because I didn't want to say anything against you or stress you out" I explain, lying about the last part. But it was kind of true, too.
Jason swallows, and nods, understanding. "Yeah. Maybe I should've let Trent go. I'm just too controlling sometimes. Of course Bravo One and Two should never go on a security detail together", he admits, looking down.
"You could have been caught, Jason. Both of you. How the hell would Bravo Team find you both, then? Who would've led them?" I tell him, with reason. "That's what I was thinking about, yesterday. I'm feeling guilty, because I knew that I should have been more professional the other day, and now Samin lost pretty much everything, and his wife and son have to hide, too. Not to mention that they almost got killed during that attack, and us too", I say, ashamed. I'm feeling truly incompetent now.
We keep quiet for a few seconds. "You did good" Jason says again, trying to cheer me up. "They were about to kill Samin. If those two didn't harass you, everything would have gone smoothly". He's right, but it could have gone a lot smoother.
I know that he knows, deep down, why I let him come with us. Of course, he must know that it has something to do with us, and it's not just some friendship. At least not from my part. After a few seconds of silence, Jason finally places his hand on the door handle.
"I should go. Before someone else comes to knock on your door" he slightly teases me, smirking, but I don't feel like smiling right now.
"I'll take a shower now" I suddenly tell Jason, again without thinking. I'm truly my own worst enemy. At least, my mouth is. He even hesitates and thinks that I'm just mentioning it, unaware that I was inviting him, so I could've just shut up, but I continued, "if you want to stay", I say, not seductively, I'm borderline pathetic. Actually, I crossed that line a long time ago, when it comes to Jason.
Now he truly hesitates, looking seriously at me, then avoiding eye contact completely.
"Better not, Vicky. I gotta go. Bye" he simply says, almost running away from me.
I bet Jessica never acted as desperate as I just did.
.
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The days before the mission go by like a blur, because I'm basically working all the time, to organize the op. Many CIA agents come to J-Bad, accompanying the two other special teams that arrive. Foxtrot went away three days after the double op, and I promised Thomas that I'd text him when I arrive in the U.S. Nothing really happened between us, also because I practically avoided the sunlight and fresh air during the past days. And Jason. Lisa and Austin were even worried about my health, and forced me take a walk around Camp once a day, so I wouldn't burn out, and I applaud them for being concerned about my mental health. But it isn't my mind that is broken, it's my heart. And I don't really know how to handle that. Hell, I can't even admit that.
Lisa had a feeling about what was really bothering me, but fortunately she didn't smother me with questions, and I know that it's because something similar must have happened to her as well. Time heals everything, and I was just waiting for it to pass. It's not just my heart that is broken, but my pride as well. And that's the main reason why I was hiding away.
Lisa mentioned that Jason was also in some kind of blur, not because of me, obviously; but because of the fact that he now was going after Junior, and he was pushing everyone away when someone tried to talk to him about that, or check on him. He was in complete denial, and of course there was nothing I could've done to help him, because I couldn't even be in the same room with him, so embarrassed I was. He basically dumped me, before we even had something. Which means, he doesn't even want to have sex with me. At least, not anymore. And a single guy denying sex, we all know, is the most unimaginable thing ever. But it happened, of course… with me. So, I'm feeling miserable, but I have a good reason for it.
Since Lisa was actually leaving the Command Center and the CIA rooms during the day, she told me, fully aware that I knew what she was talking about, that 'Jason was caught by Sonny having wild sex with a brunette at the long-distance shooting range one day', and then when I discreetly asked her who the girl was, she said that Jason mentioned to the guys, after they teased him endlessly, that she was one of the young female soldiers that he hooked up twice. He said she was hot. But when I asked Lisa if he hooked up with the girl again, she hesitated, and finally told me that Jason was asked that same question, and answered that no, he wouldn't have sex with her anymore, because 'nah, she was too clingy. She wanted something serious, and I don't'. The guys applauded his manhood, and Lisa gave me an affectionate look when she told me. It didn't help me much.
The day of the op finally arrives, and thank God, because it means that we can go home after that. And stay in the U.S., enjoying our leave, for two weeks straight, at least. Blackburn, Lisa, Austin and I briefed the three special teams that will run the op, and it's a big one, and hard one, but I trust the guys will handle it. Bravo will be assisted by Echo and Romeo, and they all came a couple of days before the op to get to know each other, between the team members.
During the briefing, Jason stood at the front of the big tent that we assembled, like the other two team leaders, and I basically briefed from one of the corners of the tent, avoiding eye contact with him completely. But when the guys left for the op, I needed to wish them good luck, because they'd need it. And Jason too.
"I'm sorry for being MIA for the past few days" I tell Sonny and Clay, when they tease me about disappearing from our almost daily lunches or breakfasts, "but it was for a good cause. Now the op is ready and I did the best I could to keep you guys safe" I tell them, and they nod and smile at me, grateful. They're good and understanding guys, definitely.
"Be safe guys. I know it's against your nature, but don't try to be heroes too much, okay?" I tease them as they pass by me to leave. Right when I was about to turn, Jason walks by my side, and I only see a blur pass by at first. I hesitate, but decide that I couldn't let my pride get in the way of giving him some encouragement.
"Jason" I call him, and he turns to look at me but continues to walk. I don't say anything and I think he'll leave, but he stops for a second, looking at me from a distance. "Be careful, ok?" I ask him, realizing that I'm very concerned with him. I know he'll definitely try to be a hero during that op, as he did during many other ops.
"I always am" he simply answers, then turns and leaves, with his helmet and weapon in his hands.
The op starts ok but when Jason is pulled away from the rest of the team, with Cerberus, and they basically disappear on the snowy mountain, behind the enemy line, I feel like my head will explode from the tension. I feel nauseated but try to think about something that we can do to help him, or the team, except nothing comes to mind. We simply have to wait and trust that Jason will pull through, or that the guys will arrive to help him in time, that is, if they can find him. Everyone in the room is nervous as hell, and the Command Center is silent, until finally Ray tells us, on the comms, that they rescued both Jason and Cerb, alive and in good physical conditions. Everybody celebrates, but I just stay still, recovering from the near heart attack that I was having earlier. Or maybe it was a stroke. Can't tell, never felt either of them before.
The celebration continues when the guys, that is, Clay, shoots Al-Hazred Junior, and joins Jason in the DEVGRU history books. And that celebration is one that I'm willing to participate.
.
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Later that night, after drinking a lot of alcohol and talking to everyone at the fire pit area, except Jason, I finally stop running from him and don't move away from the bar when he comes to get another beer. I'm feeling like a fool for avoiding him so much, he's the leader of the team in which I'll be working for the next years, after all. He glances at me, awkward, and I nod when he comes closer.
"Well done" I simply tell him, smirking, and he smirks back, shy.
"Clay's the one who shot Junior" he says, opening the can of beer.
"I mean, for not dying" I state, sincere. Couldn't care less about who shot Junior. Professionally, I care if he's dead, captured or not. But not about how he died, for instance.
He glances at me, a bit surprised, and nods, serious. "Thanks".
"It would be a shame. You've already survived an explosion this year" I tease him, glancing at him, then looking at the fire pit.
He chuckles. "You'll have to wait for another year now, to see what else happens" he says, glancing at me, then at the fire pit.
"I'll register on my phone, to remind you. Maybe you'll take some forced vacations from operating during that time, just in case" I say, smiling, looking at him.
"Great idea" he says, smiling at me, then his smile fades and he gets pensive and quiet. "Do you know what you're going to do back home?" he asks.
"I think I'll go on a road trip. Don't know to where yet. I'll leave right after we get to VA Beach" I say, and I'm dying to get out of there, see new things.
"Well, just not right after we arrive. That night we'll have a little gathering at The Bulkhead for Ray. He's leaving for his Warrant Officer's course for two months" he explains.
"Oh yes, true. He told me. I'll be there" I say, and he nods.
"Me too" he says, looking at the fire pit, and keeps quiet.
I'm about to tell Jason that I'm going to talk to someone else there, maybe Austin, using some excuse, when he talks to me again.
"When Blackburn told me about your previous job in the JAG" he suddenly says, turning to me a little, "he said that you couldn't say much, because there were confidential cases too. But that you even risked your life doing your job". I swallow, and he looks at me, serious. "what did he mean? Like, did you work as a negotiator, something like that? If you can tell me".
"I can't" I answer, sincere. "I mean, no, it wasn't a negotiation or anything like that. But I was threatened, and things like that, by some of the criminals of cases I was working on" I explain, and can't give any more details.
He nods, serious. "Is that why you switched jobs? For your safety?"
"That too".
"You told me that you missed out on a lot of things working in the JAG, and risked your peace of mind".
"Yes, I did" I knew where this was going. Jason wanted someone else to make his decision for him.
"Don't you ever miss working there?" he anxiously asks, now completely turned to me.
"Jason", I sigh, "You can't base your decision on the decisions of others".
He swallows. "Whatyoumean?"
"I know that you must be thinking about leaving the team and stop operating".
"What? No I don't. Who said that" he says, lying terribly.
I sigh again. "Ok. Hypothetically, then. You've been Bravo One for many years, lost your son's birth, many,manyother things and events of your kids, probably; you separated from your wife, lost your wife, now you're a solo parent; you were wounded several times, almost died many times too. You lost teammates and friends. And God knows how's your head doing, because you obviously have something else besides PTSD and pure stubbornness. Hypothetically". I breathe, and Jason just stares at me, suspicious and grumpy.
But I continue, because I don't like that he's been beating around the bush for the entire deployment now.
"If you think you need to stop operating, then stop. Nobody, ever, will be mad at you or judge you. Just be sure of it. You can always come back, but I know you'll feel terrible if something happens to the guys and you're not there. Although, of course, it would never be your fault".
"Shhh" Jason gestures for me to speak quietly, "Don't say things like that, they might hear you. Then what? They'd think I'm actually leaving Bravo. Jesus", he squirms, looking around. But nobody heard, of course. They're all drunk. So he sighs and looks at me again.
"I'm not saying that I'm thinking about it. Just wondering what drives a person to make a decision like this. You know" he explains, terribly, but at least he admits he's 'wondering' about it.
"Jason, you'll know when you want to stop operating. You won't be in doubt. You'll just decide and that's it" I explain it to him, like to a child, and he finally listens, attentively. Or at least he pretends to.
He pouts, quiet, then he looks down and to me again. "You asked me to not be awkward" he suddenly says, serious.
I swallow. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I wasn't avoiding you, I was just really busy planning the op" I lie, and he pretends to believe me. "It won't happen again".
"Good" he opens a cute sincere smile, and I feel a warmth in my body. "Ok then".
I smile back, but soon I make my way to my cabin. It's late and we'll be heading back home the next evening, anyways. I have a lot of stuff to pack, because our Command Center still has many crap from the Tahara Network that needs to be sorted and kept in boxes. For posterity.
.
.
I arrive at The Bulkhead fashionably late, as usual, because unlike Seals, I have a real problem with punctuality. At work, I can still manage, but during my time off, it's very rare that I arrive in time at places.
I've been to The Bulkhead a few times, but since I was always avoiding Jimmy, I also avoided going there, because he was there all the time. But now that he got punched by Jason, he probably wouldn't go back anytime soon.
As soon as I step in, I see Jason sitting on the counter and talking to a woman, that seems to be Natalie, but I'm not sure. They have their backs to me. Lisa sees me coming in and informs me the gossip so far.
"That's Natalie. He talked to her when he arrived, and now they've been chatting for a long time" Lisa informs me, and we're behind them, so they can't see us. "They're probably just catching up" she says, and at that moment, Natalie places her hand on his, and holds his biceps with her other hand. She looks like she's concerned, and talking him into something. Calming his mind. I just know it. Besides, I can read lips, not perfectly, but I can. But I'll never tell anyone that. I need a better angle for that, though. It's not easy from the back.
"Lisa" I call her, not deviating my stare of their backs, and she's pouting next to me, "Why is it that they broke up? Do you know, by any chance?"
Lisa keeps quiet for a few seconds. She's thinking the same thing that I am. "He said he broke up with her because he needed to focus on the team. The team needed him".
I snort. "Well, that's a lame excuse" I say, because it truly is. But I can't mock her, ever, because the way he dumped me was a lot worse. And I never even was his girlfriend.
"He'll leave Bravo" I blurt to Lisa, and she turns to me, alarmed.
"Did he tell you something like that?"
"No" I tell her. "But he wants someone to decide for him" I explain, turning to Lisa, and she nods. She obviously noticed that, too. I shrug. "To be honest, maybe he does want to leave, for real. He really seems to be indecisive, though. He should be sure".
Lisa nods. "But should we let him be convinced by her? I mean, of course she'd support him leaving the team, even though she never forced him to do anything, that I know of".
"He's a grown man, Lisa" I calmly remind her, "and like I said, maybe deep down, that's what he wants. If he regrets it later on, it's his problem, not ours". I look down, remembering how close he was to death during the last ops, and apparently, earlier this year, and maybe this way, at least he'd live longer. "He's been through a lot, Lisa. Let him leave".
Lisa nods, stern, and right at that moment, Jason stands up and sits on a chair near the team, determined and calling everyone to gather around him. He glances at me, seeing me for the first time that night, and gives me a shy smirk, and I smirk back at him, but keep my distance. I know what he'll say, of course.
He gives a very emotional speech, and we all feel terrible for the things he endured so far, being Bravo One. How much time he dedicated to the team. And he truly wants to have space and time in his life to live just as Jason Hayes. He deserves that, for sure. Some peace in his life.
The thing is, some people are just born for the adrenaline, and can't function without it. I know that, because I'm one of those people. And so is Jason.
I just hope he can find that adrenaline elsewhere, because his next job won't provide it for him anymore, at least not as much as he's used to.
And while I hear his speech and glance at an emotional and proud Natalie seated close to me, I can only imagine where Jason will get that missing adrenaline from.
From Natalie, that is. Fucking her, a lot.
.