Chapter Five

Loss Teaches Us The Worth Of Things

I watched Carolyn in the rear-view mirror as I drove off, leaving her behind on the sidewalk as I pulled back into the line of traffic. My heart was heavy in my chest, and it hurt.

Now I wished I'd taken the sports car and left Kitt out of it. She would still be with me, lifting my heart and gladdening my senses with her perfume and beguiling smile. Even now we would be up in her suite, gathering her things and…

My groin cramped again, painful with unfulfilled need. I pushed it down, well aware of Kitt's ability to sense everything his pilot was thinking and feeling. I didn't feel like being analysed right then.

But Carolyn had been curious about the Trans Am and she had to meet him sometime since she had been intending to stay with me. I figured she'd soon get used to a talking car.

"Yeah, well that didn't work out as I planned," I muttered.

I wanted to talk to her, to explain. I would give her a couple of days to cool down and reassess. Then I would call her, and we would see each other after the wedding… I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Devon," Kitt replied. "I should not have said anything. I was unaware you did not know anything of Mrs Bridges' past."

"It's all right, Kitt. I knew all about it. She told me of her divorce and her children when we first met this morning."

Was it only this morning? It seemed like a lifetime had passed.

"Then I do not see the issue," Kitt worried. "Why is she now so adamant she can no longer have anything to do with you or me?" If a car could sigh, he sighed then. "Devon, I simply do not understand women. They are always such contrary and emotional creatures. I wish they could all think logically and clinically like any man. Life would be so much simpler."

"You won't get any argument from me," I replied grimly as the miles hissed by beneath the car's tyres.

Seething with a contrary mix of tangled emotions, I drove back to FLAG HQ at a far greater speed than when I left with Carolyn. Carolyn…

Luciana… my troubled heart whispered bleakly.

She was trying to put me behind her again. The reality of it all bit hard. I detested the unfairness of our parting. If only there was a button on Kitt's dashboard that I could press, and we could go back to this very morning and start again.

I wanted to start again. To make it right.

But the sun was beginning to go down in the west, brushing the wide blue sky with streaks of red and gold. The day was almost over, and I was alone again with only my memories for company.

I knew someone unknown had been very busy on my behalf and I intended to find out exactly who it was. I could make a few guesses, but I needed to be sure.

The gates opened before I reached them, and Gordon made no attempt to slow me down or stop the car. I think he saw my grim expression through the windscreen and wanted no part of my obviously angry state.

"Have you found anything?" I asked as I drove into the front courtyard and parked Kitt.

"I'm sorry, Devon," the car replied regretfully. "But they have covered their tracks very well. The information was shared with me through access to your office computer. And they used your current password. Whoever it was they have been very thorough, knowing they would be untraceable."

"You could say experienced?" I questioned.

"That is another way of putting it," Kitt replied cautiously. "Remember you programmed me to deal only in the facts. I would not wish for anyone to get into trouble through any inaccuracy on my part. I need to investigate further before I commit myself to any course of action. I will inform you through the commlink as soon as I know anything more that may be of use to your ongoing investigation."

"You should have become a politician, Kitt," I grumbled as I got out of the car. "A simple yes or no would have sufficed."

"Oh, no, Devon," Kitt said primly. "Such a life would not suit me at all. That is strictly your department. I would never dream of intruding."

"Yes, and look where that's got me," I muttered as I walked away from the car and around the side of the main house.

I was alone, disgruntled and feeling emotionally needy. For the first time in a very long while I began to question my life and its demands which left no time for a private life. And I wanted Carolyn in that life.

I shook my head bleakly. But this was no time to be wallowing in regrets. I knew where I was going and who I would find there. My deep sense of ill-usage stalked with me. But honesty also began to nibble away at my resolve to uncover the truth. I had tried to warn Carolyn of the consequences if she stayed with me and she'd chosen not to listen.

Now we were further apart than we had ever been. But something kept bothering me. I told Kitt I already knew the information he'd imparted about the divorce and her three children. Carolyn had told me herself. Her age and star sign I also knew.

But at the very first mention of the names of her children, she'd flown into a panic, shutting Kitt down immediately. That puzzled me more than anything else on this strange day.

She said she had a son called Danny who loved cars. Why did it matter what she'd called her children? What ultimate secret was she trying to hide from me and why?

"Blast Schrödinger's confounded cat!" I muttered as I entered the vast building behind the house through a side door and stepped back into the world I was more comfortable inhabiting. Everything here was in black and white. There were no shades of grey. No room for compromise.

The place hummed with its usual activity. Technicians and workers went about their business. Ours was a tight-knit community from necessity. No one outside could be allowed to learn of what we did here. Information was valuable and dismissal was instant for any transgressions, however minor.

These people would make up the bulk of the wedding guests on Saturday, with one or two exceptions. Some had been allowed to bring their spouses.

I frowned as I kept walking, not looking right or left, until I reached Bonnie's station on the far side of the complex. She was sitting down, bent over whatever latest project she was working on.

"Bonnie," I greeted her.

She looked up. "Oh, hi, Devon." She glanced past me, her brow furrowing with confusion. "I didn't expect to see you back so soon. Michael said you were taking Carolyn back to her hotel to collect her things. He reckoned you wouldn't be back for ages."

I grimaced but didn't rely. It seemed Michael has been very busy on my behalf. Since he'd resigned from FLAG he had far too much time on his hands. And I knew he was restless to get on with the rest of his life. The wedding couldn't happen soon enough.

Bonnie shrugged. "Did you leave her up at the house? I'm glad she's able to come to the wedding. I like her."

"Carolyn is staying back at her hotel," I replied hardly. "It seems there has been a rather large misunderstanding. Someone has exceeded their responsibilities and snooped into her affairs without her knowledge or permission. And they used the computer in my office to do it. She was not pleased. But she said she will still attend the wedding."

"I see…" A shade of consternation passed through Bonnie's gaze before she looked away, confirming my earlier suspicions about her possible involvement. "Well, I only looked her up out of curiosity," she hurried to explain, keeping her gaze averted. "I wanted to know more about her. She intrigued me."

She shrugged. "I'm truly sorry if you think I overstepped any boundaries. But I only used the system in here. I certainly wouldn't go into your office without your permission or with you not in there."

I nodded, blowing a troubled sigh. "And you don't know my password."

Bonnie looked relieved that I believed her. "No, I don't. I know you like to go in for some obscure European poet with an impossible name that no one's ever heard of. I couldn't even say them let alone spell any." She frowned at me with deep concern.

Reginald walked up to us, his expression full of curiosity. "You back so soon, Boss? I thought you'd be taking the rest of the day off since you were driving Carolyn back to her hotel." His dark eyebrows shot up and waggled. "Michael said you'd taken Kitt." His smile was a shade too knowing.

"It seems Michael has far too much time on his hands," I bit back. "He would do better to keep his nose out of my business. He has his own life now. And he has Stevie." I tried not to sound resentful.

"Okay…" Reginald drawled, throwing up both hands. "But you're back here without her. I saw you pull up in Kitt. You were alone."

"Carolyn's not staying here, after all," Bonnie volunteered. "She's back at her hotel. She'll still be at the wedding, though."

"Damn, man," Reginald sympathised. "That's a real shame, She's a nice lady. She even talks like you." He grinned, then saw my expression and sobered up quickly.

"Did you two get into some kind of fight or something?" he asked with concern. "Is there anything we can do?"

"It was more of a misunderstanding," I replied. "It seems someone here decided to delve into Carolyn's personal history - without first gaining her permission - and Kitt blurted it out at the wrong moment and upset her. She did not like being snooped on and I don't blame her. She's not used to the kind of world we live in."

Bonnie jumped up from her stool. "I've already said it wasn't me. I just looked her up to see what other books she's written that I might want to read. That's all."

She folded her arms across her chest. "Just what are you accusing me of, Devon? If there was an information leak, then it didn't come from me. I didn't look at any other files and I did not go into your office."

"I know…" I folded my arms across my chest. "But someone did. Carolyn was furious and I don't blame her."

The thought that she was hiding something from me still niggled. If Carolyn hadn't interrupted Kitt when she did...

I blew a frustrated breath. "Look, I don't have any more time for this. I have some urgent phone calls I need to make and I'm already late. I'll be in my office if either of you uncover anything I need to know."

"I'll get right on it," Bonnie replied, sitting down again. "But there are a limited number of people who can share information with Kitt without you knowing. And who has access to your office computer? Didn't he tell you the source?" Her brow creased again, and I knew she was already sorting through any likely candidates.

"Kitt said they were loaded confidentially, and he has already erased them. Carolyn insisted."

"Okay, then will do, Boss…" Reginald nodded. "I'll come on up as soon as we know anything." He saluted me with two fingers to his temple and hurried away.

I watched them both for a long moment then turned and walked away. I knew they would uncover the original source, given time. Right now, I had those phone calls that simply couldn't wait any longer.

※※※※※

I sat back in the chair behind my office desk and eased the ache in my shoulders. I had been on the telephone and private links to powerful men and global organisations around the world for several hours, soothing ruffled feathers and deeply annoyed politicians, who had been miffily put out when they couldn't reach me immediately.

"My blasted life is not my own…" I muttered, casting aside my pen. "But knowing it changes nothing."

Beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows, the velvet darkness of the night was studded with the vast myriad of lights from the city spread out below and all the way to the far horizon. At times, I have felt like a king in his castle, lord of all I surveyed. That fanciful illusion ended at the high stone walls that surrounded the property on all sides, keeping us in as much as it kept the rest of the population out.

Armed guards, CCTV cameras and high-voltage electrical wiring along the tops of the walls did the rest. There were only three entrances into the estate. The main gate and two smaller back entrances for goods and services. All were guarded night and day.

I frowned out at it all. Until today, I hadn't given my elegant and vast prison much thought beyond making sure it, and the work we did for the Foundation, was as secure as possible. It was simply the place where I lived and worked. I had a job to do, and I'd done it to the best of my ability for years. I was carrying on Wilton Knight's legacy and trying to make a difference in this world.

"Then Carolyn came back into my life…" I shook my head slowly.

"Talking to yourself is never a good sign," Michael commented from the open doorway.

He was leaning against the door frame, watching me closely. "No Carolyn tonight?" He eased his way into the room, walking to hitch one hip onto the corner of my desk. "I thought she was staying here. But she didn't come back with you in Kitt."

"No…" I shook my head. "She decided to remain at the Wilshire. We agreed, it's for the best. This is no place for her."

"I see. Gee, Devon, that's too bad. I'm truly sorry it didn't work out for you two. I liked her. But, I guess, some things are just not meant to be."

His delivery was too smooth with just the right injection of sympathy. His gaze was steady and unblinking. Instinctively, I knew why he was here. I leaned further back in my chair crossing my arms over my chest as I watched him.

"You've been talking to Bonnie," I stated.

"Yeah…" He eased his position but his expression remained neutral. "And Kitt. They're both in a bit of a flap about Carolyn."

The commlink on Michael's wrist suddenly beeped. "Devon, are you there? I finally have the information you requested. I have identified the source of the link."

Michael shrugged as he drew the commlink out and pressed the button. "Yes, Kitt. I'm here too. With Devon."

"I see. Good evening, Michael. I saw that you had returned earlier than expected."

Michael raised one shoulder. "Stevie's gone to bed. She's tired. So I thought I'd come back and keep Devon company."

"I am sorry about this, Michael. You did cover your tracks well. It took me some time to unravel all the threads. After eliminating every possibility, I was forced to draw the inevitable conclusion. There could be only one culprit with the opportunity to gain access to Devon's office undetected."

"Yeah, it's okay, buddy." Michael looked back at me. "I'll admit it was me who looked into your mysterious lady friend. You got me."

He looked unrepentant as he held up both hands in surrender. "But I was curious. I didn't see there was any harm in it. It was a stupid oversight on my part to patch Kitt in like I always used to do. Old habits die hard, I guess."

A faint smile lifted the corners of his mouth for a moment. "At least, I was smart enough to use your computer, Devon. You gotta give me points for that. I slipped in here while you were walking Carolyn out after lunch. Your latest password gave me pause for a moment or two until I saw that book on your desk."

He waved his hand at the book about one of Bonnie's detested obscure European poets. I shook my head at the oversight. I must be more tired and distracted than I thought to leave such an obvious clue lying around.

"Carolyn is totally off-limits to anyone and everyone in this organisation," I replied grimly. "You had no right to go snooping behind her back. If you'd bothered to ask me, I would have told you the truth."

"Granted. But what do you really know about her?" Michael shrugged. "After all, it has been thirty-five years. How do you know she's even the same person? Once a spy, you know? She could have changed sides or anything. You were blinded by your memories. Any of us would be after all that time. To have her suddenly back in your life like that…"

He snapped his fingers. "It just seemed a little too convenient. You took one look at her, and I bet you lost all your perspective."

I knew he wasn't wrong. I turned and looked down at a woman I had been told was long dead. All my training, rational thinking and hard-won cynicism had evaporated in that single moment.

'The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses…' the beautiful quote by E.E. Cummings rose again in my mind.

Carolyn had always loved that one. I used to leave little notes all around our tiny London apartment for her to find. Another thing our masters had used to crucify our relationship that had become too close for their comfort.

I shook my head. "Because I know her. Carolyn would never betray me or her country. I trust her word. Besides, she is no longer in that life. It wasn't for her, all that skulking around, hiding who she really was. She only stuck it out for one year because of me."

I stared at the computer screen at my elbow. My fingers itched to access the information Michael had uncovered even as my heart said I must trust Carolyn.

"I erased it all as soon as I read it," Michael commented softly. "I didn't want you to know I'd been snooping around in here. But Kitt couldn't keep his mouth shut." His shoulders lifted. "Sorry, Devon, but I was doing it for you."

"For me?" My eyebrows rose.

"Yeah…" Michael stood up. "It's been too long since you've had a woman in your life. You live like a monk. It's not healthy."

I frowned at that remark. I was about to reply when Kitt butted in. "Michael, I resent the implication of any oversight on my part. Mrs Bridges was quite upset. I had to assume Devon was already a party to the information I imparted quite innocently. I have already apologised to her for my error."

"I'm sorry, Kitt. I didn't mean to involve you. It was an automatic reflex."

"Apology accepted, Michael. Now, since the truth has been uncovered the matter is closed. If I am no longer needed, I will bid you goodnight."

"Goodnight, Kitt, old buddy. Sweet dreams."

"I do not dream," Kitt replied stuffily before the commlink clicked off.

"Am I forgiven for going with my gut?" Michael asked. "I truly didn't mean to get between you and your lady. If she was who she said she was." He looked around the office. "But there is a lot at stake."

I stared up at him, so tall and confident in himself. As he saw it, he had done the right thing, by his strict code of ethics. I would truly miss his brash, cocky attitude to life. It had kept me on my toes for the last six years. And shaved months off my own life, turning my hair more grey than it had been. Michael reminded me so much of myself at the same age and in my heart of hearts I knew I would have done exactly the same thing.

"If that's what you want," I replied. "Then I can forgive you. But Carolyn is another matter. She's not FLAG business. After the wedding, she said she's flying back to Santa Fe. She has a house there. She won't be back in LA any time soon."

"New Mexico at this time of year…" Michael raised his brows at me. "It would take a lot of beating. Clean air, sunshine and great views. Not to mention the long nights of desert darkness." He shrugged. "You haven't had a holiday in years. Well, not since I've been on the scene."

He stood up to walk over to the windows and look out at the nightscape. He could also see his reflection in the glass. "We both know that Durant is still out there somewhere, hunting for me. He won't give up easily."

"Of course, I know that," I replied quickly. "That's why your wedding is being held behind those walls. He can't reach you while you're here. Then you will go on living under FLAG's protection until he's caught. You have my word on that. Even if I have to fund it myself."

Inspiration hit me then. I didn't have to lose them both immediately. "If the worst comes to worst you can both move in here until it's over. There's plenty of room. We'll secure Rolands soon enough. Then you can go away on your honeymoon and live the rest of your lives in peace."

I smiled slightly, trying to lighten his mood. "I hear New Mexico is very nice at this time of year."

"Thanks, Devon." Michael frowned at his reflection in the window. "But this place gives me the creeps, at times. I guess you've never figured out that this whole estate is just a real fancy, gilded cage?"

He looked back at me. "You've spent your best years living out Wilton's legacy, not your own. I've got Stevie and I'm moving on. What do you have, Devon? This house and this office…" He frowned around the room. "It won't keep you warm at night."

His eyes narrowed. "I've always thought of it as a soulless place, full of ghosts and too many secrets."

He pointed his thumb at my desk. "Another reason why I would never consider sitting there. No matter how much money you wanted to pay me. My soul is not for sale, not at any price. I've already told the board that."

He came back to the desk to lean his knuckles on the far edge and closer to me. "Get out while you still can, Devon. While you still have someone in your life who loves you. Don't you dare throw it all away because you're too tied up in this place to see what's right in front of you. I saw you two together in the foyer before. You were struggling to keep your hands off each other. What you have is worth saving."

He grimaced. "You and I both know that none of us are irreplaceable. Jones is always sniffing around behind you, angling to be your replacement. The board would make him the new chairman in a heartbeat." His lips quirked. "I seriously doubt if any of them have a heart."

"I seriously doubt any of them do," I replied slowly, frowning up at him.

"So, what are you going to do about it?" Michael demanded to know. "The lady returns on Saturday for the wedding. You've got three days to come up with a workable plan and stick to it. She won't stay around to be asked a second time."

His rueful smile was suddenly genuine and warm. "Someone just told me that New Mexico is very nice at this time of year…"

I was about to reply in kind when one of the telephones at my elbow rang. We both stared at it. It was a recent installation, red and a direct line to the White House. Whenever it rang, I had been commanded to drop everything else I was doing and answer it. Someone, somewhere, needed saving.

"Blast…" I said with deep and meaningful feeling. "Great bloody timing."

"Sorry, Devon. Duty calls, I guess…" Michael watched me with equally frustrated sympathy as I snatched up the receiver and pressed it to my ear.

※※※※※