The search continues! What will they find? Enjoy!

Chapter 76

We rode around the perimeter of the entire lake, softly calling out both Elladan's and Candaith's names. Neither of them responded to our 'internal calls', but we hoped they would hear our voices and reveal themselves. Carefully we picked our way through the trees as well, using our sharp Elven eyesight to look for tracks or other clues which would lead us to them.

Unfortunately, it was all for naught.

After searching all day with a few short breaks, our spirits were low and our hope was dwindling. I tried to remind Elrohir that the others were searching as well, and perhaps would find them first, but I had trouble convincing myself of this. I knew if they were here, where we were searching, we would have located them by now. Elrohir had been whispering into the beryl almost obsessively, but I did not have the heart to stop him. Saeradan didn't say much, and I could not tell how he felt about things. The only positive was that we did not come across their bodies, but it did little to lift my spirits. What if some animal had gotten to them first? The thought of it made my blood run cold…colder than it already did.

The little improvements I had seen in Elrohir this morning were slipping away, and none of us had the energy to do anything but make a little camp and a fire. The main camp was too far away, and the area we had spent the previous night was now abandoned, as everyone was out searching. The plan was to meet up at the main camp in two days' time, except for Corunir, as the distance he was traveling was much further than that of the rest of us. The lembas tasted like ash in my mouth, and I had to nearly force Elrohir to drink out of his waterskin. I had put a very small amount of miruvor in it, but it wasn't much. We were running out of the expensive, precious liquid, and I despaired at what would happen once it was gone.

"We will try again tomorrow, mellon nin," I murmured. Elrohir and I curled up together, and I put his head on my chest and pulled him close. He was shivering again, and I moved us as near to the fire as I dared. I was fighting shivers of my own as the despair crept ever closer. "Stay with me now." A bystander might find this position compromising, but it was simply about survival. Saeradan put another blanket over us, but it didn't seem to help much. My voice was shaky as I sang a lullaby that my mother used to sing to us, and I wished more than anything for her to be here right now. She would understand what I was feeling, I was sure of it. I could feel Saeradan's concerned eyes on us, and although I appreciated his willingness to help, there was little he could do in the face of fading except comfort us as it happened.

I tried to stay awake to keep an eye on Elrohir, despite Saeradan's reassurances that he would keep us safe, but couldn't stop myself from falling into an exhausted sleep.

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I was walking on a path of some sort, and smoke of dark colors was swirling about me. I could see nothing but the ground beneath my feet, and I was afraid. The air was ice cold, and I shivered almost uncontrollably. It reminded me of the sickening pain under the influence of the poison, but there was no antidote here.

"Hello?" I called hesitantly, but there was no answer. Was I alone? I kept moving forward, but it became harder and harder to do so as my energy started to fade. A bench appeared before me, and I sank onto it gratefully. I started humming some song I could not remember the name of, and my voice echoed loudly in the silence.

A cloak was draped about me, and I looked up in confusion before my eyes widened at the sight. Had the Valar heard my desperate prayers? Or was this only my imagination? I could not believe it as my mother settled herself next to me, gazing at me with warmth in green eyes that were just like mine, and a sad smile was on her lips.

"Nana?" I whispered, afraid that if I spoke too loudly, she would disappear.

She tucked my messy brown hair behind my ear and murmured, "Hello Gwinnie. It has been a long time." At this, she pulled me tightly into her arms, and I clung to her desperately as the warmth of her embrace surrounded me. I felt like crying, but no tears would come. The strange, cold emptiness was warring with the joy of being in my mother's embrace, even if it was just a dream.

She pulled away from me slightly and said softly, "Look how beautiful you are, iellig. You have grown so much since we parted."

I huffed a laugh, "Now you are just trying to be nice; I know I must look a mess." She took my hands in hers, and their warmth felt pleasant on my cold skin.

"You will always be perfect to me," my mother replied with a smile, but sadness was in her eyes. "Do you know why I am here?" she asked quizzically. "As happy as I am to see you, I did not expect to come across you in reverie."

I sighed. "Did you know Fernden visited me in a dream once?" Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "Perhaps he did not tell you. When we spoke, he said maybe the Valar thought I needed a little encouragement. I certainly could use some, as well as some advice."

"Of course, Gwinnie. What troubles you?" she asked quietly. My heart filled with warmth at the nickname.

I gave her a pained smile, "I fell in love, nana." Her eyes lit up in joy, but I forestalled it with my next words, "With a mortal man." Her expression became sad with some understanding, but I knew I needed to keep explaining. "We married, but barely a moment later he went on a journey and is likely d-dead." My voice wobbled; it was hard to say the words. My hand unconsciously rubbed at my chest, where my heart was. "It hurts terribly, right here."

My mother put her hand over mine, and squeezed it comfortingly. "Congratulations, iellig. I am happy you have found such a love. I always wished for my children to experience the joy of it." Her eyes were sparkling with tears, but they did not fall. "Yet I would spare you this pain, if I could."

"Nana…how did you cope? When Ada died?" I asked tremulously. Her eyes dimmed, and filled with the familiar pain I recognized from the last time I saw her, as she set out on her journey to Mithlond from the edge of Eryn Galen. "How did you go on?"

"I had you and your sister to care for," she whispered. "I could not leave while you were still growing…while you still needed me."

"I still need you," I said brokenly. "I have never stopped needing you!" I felt a flash of anger and resentment, but it faded as quickly as it came when I saw the guilt on her face. "I am sorry Nana. I forgave you long ago."

She sighed, "Perhaps I have not forgiven myself." I leaned my head against her shoulder, and she stroked my hair. "While I did find healing, I still await the return of your father and Laeglen from the Halls. I was pleased to see Fernden, but the others still remain out of reach." I frowned at this; I had hoped they had all been reunited, but it was beyond me to understand the reasoning of Námo.

I snuggled closer, and tried to find the words I wanted to say. My mother waited patiently, and continued to stroke my hair. "I feel like something is broken inside, like there is a hole in my heart where Candaith used to be. He will not answer my calls, and I fear it is because…because…". I could not continue, but she understood and pulled me tightly to her. I could smell the lavender in her hair, as we always used the same soap. She did not enquire further about what I meant, but I was sure she was surprised my soul bonded with a mortal.

"You are afraid you will not survive," she stated, and I could hear the grief in her voice. I nodded, unable to speak for a moment.

"I knew it was a risk, but I thought I would have more time to prepare. I…I hoped we would have many years together, and I would be ready when he passed. It was all so sudden, and I could do nothing to protect myself from this agonizing pain. I am also trying to support Elrohir, as it is possible his twin brother is also dead. He is an absolute wreck, and barely hanging on." My mother had met the twins briefly in the past. "How do I keep myself together when I am spending all my energy trying to heal another person?"

"You are a good friend, iellig," my mother said warmly. "He is lucky to have you."

I shrugged helplessly, "Some friend I am; drowning in my own grief as I try to help him shoulder his own. I fear I am doing a poor job of it."

She looked at me somewhat sternly. "You are doing your best, and I am sure he is grateful, even if it is not enough to keep him alive." I started trembling at the thought of his death, and her expression softened. "Do not put the blame on yourself; it is up to Elrohir to find his way forward and make his own choice."

"If I find out Candaith is dead, or if I never find him…Nana, I do not think I will be able to go on," I said pitifully. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, and finally the tears came. "I love him more than life, more than I thought it was possible to love someone. How can I move forward without him by my side?"

"You are strong, Gwinnie," my other said firmly, but kindness was in her voice. "The strongest of all of us, I think. I believe there is much yet for you to do before we see each other again. Whether or not Candaith returns to you, there is joy to be found, and great blessings in your life." She turned her face to mine. "However, if you do let your spirit leave to travel to the Halls, I will not judge you for it. How could I, when my own broke me beyond repair?"

I shook my head, "You were not beyond repair; you put yourself back together in Valinor, did you not? Perhaps it is where I should go…" Yet it still did not feel right. Not yet…but when?

"Perhaps," she said simply. The smoke started to lighten and fade a little, and I knew it was time to wake up. My mother looked at me sadly, but smiled through her tears. "We will see each other again, iellig, I know it."

"I love you Nana," I cried, throwing myself into her arms one last time before she began to pull away from me.

"And I you, Gwinnie," she replied, and with a familiar, gentle smile, it was the last I saw of her before I woke up.

I've wanted to try and introduce you to more of Gwin's family, but since they are all across the Sea, dreams and memories are really the only way. The Valar seem to come to Gwin/give her messages more often than most because of her role in Middle Earth. In the game, you are basically THE person trying to save the world (besides Frodo of course), battling enemies beyond imagining and aiding the main players in different ways, sometimes directly, but mostly indirectly. Sauron (and eventually Saruman) is threatened by you and your deeds, and does everything he can to hinder you.

Therefore, I think the Valar would try and influence her behaviors and choices by providing encouragement and help in small ways. Maybe it isn't exactly 'canon' behavior for them, but I like sprinkling them in there a bit. Although sometimes Gwin isn't so happy with their 'help', or lack thereof.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and leave a review!