Lily's POV
If she hears about her abysmal results one more time, she's going to lose it.
Was it really her fault that she got only an A in DADA? Or that she failed astronomy with a T? It was right the night that awful Lake thing happened!
At least she knew she failed history all on her own, and a P wasn't that bad. It was not like that anyone besides the worst nerds ever passed the class, or that she wanted to spend another two years listening to Binns going on and on about what-shit.
"Lily Ann Evans! Don't you dare give me those childish excuses! How do you want to get an apprenticeship like this?"
Yep. Neither Mom or Dad were amused. Petunia was in mood after she made Vernon run away, and she was grounded.
She was 22, and she was grounded!
AND she was not using alibies!
History she didn't like, and she got her period right before the exam.
And defense..Its not that they had the best tutors in defense! They changed every year, and this year was the worst! They had changed 3 times!
The first one they had for only a month before the poor thing got dragon pox. The second one lasted until Christmas, but had an unfortunate driving accident and went into a coma, and the last one had only graduated last year! It was not like she wanted to become an auror or anything! She would get an apprenticeship just fine!
Just like she did last time, Professor Flitwick liked her too much to give a damn about her failing grades.
That is what she tells herself, repeats it to herself every time.
Yet, she knows in her heart that's not it. She was too scared of the Boggart of her ex-best friend to do anything. And then at astronomy, her head ached too much for her to care about silly useless constellations.
All of it right and still not the reason.
Being the grown up she is now, she understands she did it by herself. She could have requested a repeat, but she didn't.
Because she liked charms, but Loved potions. She wanted to become a potion master, work alongside her best friend , live alongside her best friend, open an apothecary with her best friend…
And she needed an OWL in astronomy and defense for that.
And she saw the way Severus was distancing himself from her, the way he never initiated anything, didn't come to her table anymore.
And she had thought, for one silly moment, that if she failed those, Severus would care enough to tutor her.
He loved explaining things to her, to all those who appreciated his dark sense of humor and quick wit, and were sharp enough to keep up with him.
Just like her.
But he was slowly replacing him. Now he was always with Avery and Mulciber, and Regulus Black had replaced her role as his eager and sharp student.
She wanted to get an apprenticeship in potions, and she wanted her friend back.
But she knew she could get neither of those.
If she was really a 16 years old, she was now too broken and hurt to start working towards a dream that didn't matter anymore. That wasn't like her dream if it had not Severus in it.
But now as a 22 years old, who had tasted war and loss and through so many horrible things, she couldn't remember the first thing about astronomy or defense.
She could only remember how to fight dirty, and how to fight for your life.
She could only remember the full moon, and the possibility of Greyback being in the area.
But how could she tell all this to her parents? To her ignorant parents who still said things like "maybe it was better if she asked help" and by that they meant from Severus.
Severus.
The Severus who had gleefully told a half-arsed prophecy to his dark lord. Who only turned back to Dumbledore because he was worried about the life debt to James.
Who was up to his balls in dark magic.
But how could she tell that, her future knowledge, to her family?
How to tell them about losing?
"Lily! Your friend is here"
Her friend? Her friend who?
She wracked her brains, it was not James was it? Was it Remus? Was it…
She couldn't remember.
Could she hope? Was it him?
"Its Marry and Marlene dear"
Oh.
Her shoulder drapped.
More ghosts to deal with.
They were probably here to get her to Diagon ally now that she wasn't going with Snape.
And god it was hard.
Dealing with her parents got harder day by day. She didn't know how to obey their authority, or how to play being the youngest girl of theirs.
Seeing James made her think about what deep shit she was in, and how hard it would be to not give in and become her partner again.
But her friends…
Marry, who she had been present at her funeral, who had a closed casket because it was bad enough to make aurors threw up.
Marlene, who was half mangled by whatever creatures death eaters got their hands on, and it was Lily who found the body…
Her legs felt like jelly. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't . she was breaking, and did she know it. She had terrible nightmares, and couldn't put a silencing charm on her bed and risk getting a second notice from ministry.
So she stayed awake most nights. as a result, she had such a short temper even Petunia's softest remarks made her grind her teeth.
And yet she tolerated. Acted like everything was fine.
A voice whispered in her head, a voice awfully like Albus.
"wouldn't it be better if she had went to 1980 instead?" She only had one job, and it was getting Albus to accept Snape as a spy.
Yet she had chosen this hell. Trapped in the body of her much younger self, who had to go to school alongside her dead friends, and their murderors.
Who had to pretend to not be attracted to her husband, who had to see Snape the boy who had not betrayed her and had betrayed her already at the same time, and Albus…
God Albus.
How he could avoid the man?
One look, one look and he would know.
Would the man tell her to get Snape to spy earlier?
Her face whitened.
Would the man order her to …to get in Snape good graces by whatever means?
Because she could see him just do that. They had what? At least 5 years before it got nasty, and if they had a spy maybe the prophecy wasn't needed at all.
Maybe Albus didn't see the need for her and James to get together..
"my girl you see, this way you can help the cause the better, and it is not that you are actually a teenager. Maybe you can use your womanly art to get to him the way your friendship couldn't.."
Yes. He would order her to seduce him. A boy years younger than her for the fucking greater good.
And somewhere in her heart, she didn't mind that much.
James, james was all sunshine and happiness. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, fame and fortune and friends everywhere, who could get anyone to do anything for him and never had to suffer through anything until he lost his family…
A spoilt rich kid who thought the world was at his back and call.
But Lily was different.
She had been the girl who liked to play in the dirt, who wanted to eat cheap food and get messy. She wasn't one for proper lady like behavior James's mother wanted. She couldn't sit still and smile politely when her guest was talking bullshit. She couldn't wear long dresses and tight corsets and forgo her much more useful t-shirts and jeans. act with decorum when something funny happened and cover her mouth when she laughed. For God sake she could not dance if her life depended on it and it was like a sacred thing among pure bloods!
But Severus made his choice, and she had done so.
About Mary and Marlene, it would be torture. They were her friends, and she would be reminded of their death every time she looked at their young unburdened faces.
But she had to.
She had chosen to be here. Chosen the hard way.
Putting a smile on her face, she answered "coming!"
Severus's Pov
When he got his OWL results, mother insisted on celebrating.
"what use is there for money if not used to make your loved ones happy?"
Then she gifted him a set of expensive robes made of silk. She told him it was from the vault he would inherit soon.
"it's the only set I have, I wore it in my graduation ceremony" then explained it was enchanted to adjust to the wearer.
It was simply beautiful. He didn't even feel if he had anything on, and it was softer than muggle silk by far. The cut, and the color suited him and complemented his figure. The midnight blue robe made it so he looked taller and more sophisticated.
"but Mom.." he objected. He hadn't done so well on the exams.
Aside from his P in astronomy , he had only gotten an A in transfiguration and history. He did have the highest score ever in Potions and Defense, but he had done much worse than he assumed.
Mother waved him off. "live a little son! You got O in everything but two subjects, and who cares about stars but starry eyed twats? No-body gives a damn about astronomy! Even divination and muggle study are more popular courses!"
So he smiled and squeezed her bony hand.
Mother looked more fragile than she was a month ago, and that was saying something. Severus had gone to saint Mungo a couple times, and every time his mother's healer- a Mrs. Tonks- informed him that there was no cure yet.
He spent his days searching in the ocean of books he had lent from Mrs. Tonks and muggle library, brewing samples and sending letters to his only remaining friend, Regulus.
He wasn't even certain how the youngest Black, the Prince of Slytherin, came to be his friend, but it had happened. Between tutoring him in Potions and playing the reserve seeker for the team, he somehow befriended the lonely boy.
That didn't get real until the night he came back from Gryffindor tower in the worst mood ever, and was about to drink his whole stash of calming drought.
"what in Merlin's left foot are you doing!"
And then, somehow he had comforted him.
"you know, you aren't the only one who is alone and wretched in this whole castle. You think you know how it feels when someone so close to you betrays you, but have been betrayed by your own blood?"
Then he had told him about Sirius, and how he had chosen Potter over his own brother. How he had been bullied in his first year because Sirius pissed off the wrong sort and they wanted to get back at him by beating it out of his brother.
And he had told him about Lily, and about their kiss, and about her smile.
And about mother.
Since then, he sent letters to him and asked about his mother, sometimes he sent him medical books from the Black library. Rare and expensive medical books Severus could never afford to even look at them once if not for him.
"well what friends are for?"
And that was it.
He didn't think about Tobias, but he couldn't control his dreams. His knowledge of occlumency was poor, and he could only half suppress them and hide them.
He didn't think about Lily, or Potter, or how she had ridiculed him.
He didn't think about Malfoy, or what mother told him about killing his brother, son and wife. He couldn't think about the dark lord, or what would happen if he didn't join, or what would happen if he did join…
If Malfoy was as ruthless as mother said, killing his own family to get what he wanted, what would their sort do to a half-blood nobody like him?
Should he tell Regulus? Should he tell him and then run away with mother and Regulus and never think about Britain?
He hid it all. He had to be strong for mother.
He hid his nightmares. He hid his fears. He hid his frustrations.
Merlin save his mom's wand and the ability to put silencing charm around his bed.
Everything was fine.
Everything was fine.
If he repeated it as many times as he could, it would become real. All those books on wish magic said so.
He put on a brave face whenever mother was around.
Life was not perfect, but he had mother. He had Regulus and he could search for a cure.
All would be fine.