Lily was painfully aware that they had lost.

It was not only that nearly half of their members were dead, or the ministry was full to the brim with spies and traitors, no.

She wished it was only that.

Oh, no. if it was only that simple…

When nearly more than a year ago, Albus rushed in, at midnight, to tell them he wanted to know the gender of the baby she carried, she wanted to burst into laughter. Albus and his ridiculous jokes! but a glance at his face was enough to sober her, and James, up. He was dead serious.

' but Albus, the baby is only 8 weeks old, there is no way..'

Lily answered 'Actually, there is a way… if a bit unconventional and dangerous if the person casting the spell is not.. proficient' She swallowed the memories of the boy she knew years ago. A boy who told her about the spell, a boy… who no longer was a boy and no longer mattered.

Lily was certain.

So a spell later, Albus told them they had to pack their bags and go into hiding. No amount of protests made the ancient madman see reason nor spill the beans.

Like every new thing, at first, everything went smoothly, no hitch, no nothing. It was after she was 5 months along that the first round of attacks came.

Marlene, Marry, and Edgar Bones.

Then came the second.

The entire Potter line was annihilated in a blink of an eye. James was raving like a man possessed and frothing at the mouth 'Those coward bastards! Those slimy fucking assholes! I swear, I swear I will rip their rotten hearts out of their ribcage and make their whole family watch!' James was angry, sad, and hopeless at the same time.

At the time, Lily did not doubt his threats, at that time, it took both Sirius and Remus to subdue him.

Did it frighten her? Absolutely.

Did she find a way around it? Yes.

Every time James did something stupid, every time she felt hurt and torn apart because James would sometimes, rarely really, but sometimes look at her with utmost disgust, as if the whole situation was on her, Lily thought about her unborn boy. She imagined him with beautiful green eyes and chubby hands reaching for her and smiling toothlessly.

Then came the final blow.

Her mother and Father.

It was an awful rainy day when a nameless order member who Lily had no idea of his identity came around. From his kicked puppy look to his eyes that were full of unshed tears, Lily could easily tell that something must have gone horribly wrong for him to show up like that. She had a whim to close the door and run to their bedroom and lock herself up so they couldn't tell her what happened. Even if they could eventually unlock it and tell her, she wanted to believe her only remaining family were alive and well, just for another day.

Damn her and her mulish stubbornness! Didn't her parents want to migrate to another country? Why she had refused? Her fucking Gryffindor pride and bravery? Fuck her bravery when it brought nothing but suffering! Why bother when resistance made it so much more painful? Why when the losses didn't make it worth it? She felt she could go and join those death eaters if it could bring her parents back.

The ministry never came and told straight it was the work of death eaters, but it was evident, wasn't it? When she first heard it, she felt numb. She was screaming inside, she was burning with rage and fury and wanted nothing more than to tear all those racist idiots' flesh apart by hand. She wanted nothing more than to burn them to ashes and feed them to werewolves, but she couldn't.

Lily was clinging to her last lifeline which was her unborn boy with both hands.

Because James was not the James she fell in love with anymore. Not that she herself was better. Not that anyone was faring better.

So when came the day that he was born, she thought it would be the beginning of a new age. All was going to be alright and whatever phase it was that they had to hide, would end. Whatever came over James to be such an unstable git, would be over.

But her darling boy was stillborn. The nurse said it was inevitable, that with the amount of stress and relocation and all those spells she went under so her pregnancy remained hidden even among other order members, not to mention her young age…

They didn't even say baby, they said fetus, like his boy wasn't a human being like he was some stupid plant or dog or kitten.

Fetus..

A stillborn fetus was all that was left of her life.

James was broken then. Or maybe his broken parts turned into ashes. Lily felt for him, but James seemed to be in a Terrence, in another world completely. He would not talk or sleep much, only eat enough to have the strength to fight.

And fight he did.

With the ministry sanctioning unforgivable, James did not hold back at all. Albus tried to stop him from using them to no avail.

' those curses need you to want to hurt, to kill or maim. They will tear your soul apart'

James smirked 'What soul?'

He only smiled when he tortured death eaters to get confessions. He threw Avadas like accio and he laughed while he imperiod and forced two death eaters to tear each other apart.

So when James died ( what will you say when someone who was long dead finally died?), she did not cry. She knew in her heart of hearts that he had died long ago, with their son. She mourned but shed no tears, as none were left in her eyes. She was amazed how she remained as sane as she was, she was probably too broken even for a lunatic.

She ate, slept, and worked like there was no tomorrow. ( there wasn't one for her). She had nothing to lose by living anymore. Even Sirius went ballistic and killed Peter claiming he was the traitor all along. Was it sad she did not even feel a thing when he was kissed? Or when Remus's head was sent to the headquarters if one could tell the abandoned thing a headquarter at all.

And now..

Albus was sitting calmly in front of her, telling her things that didn't make sense.

"you remember the day I came and asked you the gender of the baby?"

Lily nodded. How could she not?

"there was a prophecy, about a boy who would be born at the end of the seventh month. To those who defied Lord Voldemort three times, that it would mean the end of his reign."

Lily tilted her head " And why it would be important now?"

Why indeed. Longbottoms were dead. His son was dead. The point was moot.

Albus stared at her from behind those half-moon glasses.

"the news came from a source you would know, a spy"

She would know? Who would be dumb enough to join Death Eaters, then come to Albus? It would be like signing your death certificate!

It was like she was thrown head-first into the icy water of the Great Lake in winter. A name she had not thought of for many many years, almost for 6 years now.

"Severus…"

Albus inclined his head.

She was suddenly hit with the whole amount of suppressed memories, them at the park. They are near the lake holding hands.

Them sharing a kiss.

But Albus wasn't done, was he?

"I made a mistake, pushing him away. He was found dead a week after he told me the dark lord knew the prophecy"

She felt like vomiting. Another death because of this war. She felt her eyes dampening, and her breath caught in her throat.

Why Albus didn't go and duel the thing, the thing that the dark lord become?

He read it in her face "Lily.."

Lily stood up "Coward"

She was about to get out of the room before he took her wrist.

"stay, I have not finished"

While she felt disgusted by his mere touch, She obeyed, for whatever reason. She smiled bitterly at her behavior, old habits die hard, eh?

"if I said there is a way for you to go back if I said.."

Lily's eyes hardened, Albus was playing dirty again, trying to get her emotions to get the better of her, to think as irrationally as possible and do as he told you.

"I warn you, Albus, it's the last time you mention this..this joke. You know better than me that changing the past has unseen consequences, and if it was that simple, why you don't go yourself?"

Albus murmured a soft incantation, the hand that had not grabbed her lost its color, darkened until it was pitch black, and reshaped to an ugly mess of decaying flesh.

Lily's eyes widened in horror, it was one of the darkest curses, the dying alive curse. It made the flesh wither away slowly, while the flesh itself still hurt. It dragged the person through hell until it reached the heart.

"oh Albus…what have you done?"

Albus, certain that he had succeded once again, sighed in something akin to relief.

" The time turner is a work of art, yet it is not mine and ..a work of dark magic."

He fell silent as if relieving some long-lost memory. If not him, then who? Who was brilliant enough to come up with it?

"Albus.."

The un-asked question went unanswered. Albus continued to explain this new madness.

"it needs a life, and my life is already ending, so I beg you to reconsider."

Lily thought about what time she would go. She could save her marriage, save her baby and win the war for them! Yes, the fact that Albus had to do the sacrifice, whatever time he had left to send her back was abominable, but what chance did they have? If Albus was dead, she corrected herself, when Albus died, there would be no resistance left. Measuring the two outcomes, she realized she had nothing to lose.

"what I should do?"

"didn't I tell you about a certain someone just now?"

Certain someone? He couldn't mean…the nerve of this man! If he wasn't dying already Lily would have strangled him!

"I won't do it."

Albus seemed to be surprised.

"I won't do it for him! He joined the death eaters! He went there willingly and k..killed and tortured his way up! Don't tell me you increase in their ranks by getting O in your NEWTs! He must have been high up to know about that.. he must…"

Albus held a hand.

" he wasn't. he just joined them for a month before he came to me"

Lily's mind worked double and triple hard. If Severus had not been an Inner circle, yet he knew about the prophecy, no! Her heart constricted in pain.

How could he?

How far he fell from grace to do that!

It meant he was the one telling you-know-who the prophecy. It meant he had betrayed her for his gain, yet again. it meant he didn't care if his dark lord killed a baby- a baby- as long as he could live!

She hardened her heart against him. Should have done so a while ago. He had not been the kid she knew, he had died on that awful day in 5th year. he and she were done.

"Lily.."

"do not Lily me Headmaster. I will not."

Albus closed his eyes.

"then you will damn us all in that case. I have calculated twice and thrice, it is the only solution."

Lily smirked." For me to whore myself for a death eater?" she spt the words as if it was hot lava, and Albus, ever the cold lizard, did not even flinch.

"dear girl, what gave you the idea that you had to do that?"

Lily stayed silent. Two could play at this game. Albus couldn't be that daft to not know about him and her.

"if not that then what?"

Albus grinned.