6. WRATH
January 1997
Pansy always made it a point to put her cold feet on him in bed. Perhaps that's when her cold feet had begun.
Draco woke up from yet another nightmare, gasping loudly into the chilly dormitory air. Little puffs of mist escaped his lips and he wiped the sweat off his face with the back of his hand.
Feeling his heart go back to semi-normal rhythm (he was never fully calm these days), he untangled himself from Pansy, got out of bed and put a log into the fireplace in the middle of the dormitory. Those bloody House Elves were so negligent. When he'd put it in and closed the hatch, he stayed sitting there for a moment just looking into the fire. Brooding. Maybe now that he was awake, he should just go work on the cabinet.
He glanced back at Pansy sleeping peacefully, spread across his bed with her mouth open. Perhaps he should go back to bed after all – he knew she was disappointed and frustrated in how often he was away these days, working on his task from the Dark Lord. He didn't know how she hadn't dumped him. Yet. It was admiration-worthy, yet of course he didn't value it as much as he should've.
He used to love his life, himself, and his parents. Now, it all filled him with resentment. The person he'd been before this – bragging about his father's loyalties to the Dark Lord. Being himself didn't give him any sense of pride anymore. Only guilt and regret. Of what he was forced to do. Who he could've been if not for the Dark Lord. His parents for getting involved in the first place. He loved his parents so much he was willing to become a murderer for them. They were all he had left now. Yet he hated them for putting him in this situation.
When he thought about the past, the future, the present – it all scared him these days.
If his father could see him now…
Suddenly he heard movement in the sheets.
"Draco, come back to bed," he heard Pansy's sleepy mumble. He turned to look at her. She'd propped herself up on her elbows to look at him through the darkness. They shared a look that said everything, but neither of them dared say it out loud. Finally, he got up and got back into bed with her.
Perhaps a few more hours. Holding onto something that would inevitably come to an end. Just like everything in life did.
Everything was slipping out of his grasp.
April 1997
Pansy watched as Draco dressed in the darkness. He felt oddly distant as he did so, as if they hadn't just been naked and panting in each other's ears a moment ago. She wasn't even surprised anymore that he snuck out of bed after shagging her. Undoubtedly to go that Room on the seventh floor where he was presumably working on his mysterious mission.
When she woke up a few hours later, she reached out her hand in bed, trailed it along the sheet, but Draco wasn't there. He never was anymore. He was always at the Room of Requirement these days. She opened her eyes and sighed as reality hit.
She swallowed thickly. She knew that whatever he was doing was important, but so was she. Their relationship. Was it not? He knew that something was clearly wrong between them, but he was dedicated to completely ignoring the problem in general. He was a typical Slytherin, proud and unpleasant as only their lot knew how to be. She suddenly saw what it was like to be on the wrong side of him. This had never happened before – they had always been teammates, counterparts before. Now he was keeping secrets.
One evening she even got so desperate as to follow him after their final Potions lesson of the day. But strangely, the most interesting thing she found was that Potter was following Draco too.
As Draco slithered around a pillar and round a corner, Pansy caught Potter's eye. She raised an eyebrow. He looked sheepish, but straightened up.
"Don't tell me you're in love with him," she sneered as she walked closer down the corridor.
Potter glared at her. "No, only you could find something appealing about that git."
She flipped her hair over her shoulder and didn't deny it, but said, "Why don't you leave him alone and stop acting like you've got a bloody crush on him then?"
Potter glared at her as she walked away.
"Potter's watching you by the way," she whispered into Draco's ear as she slid down into the seat next to him in the Great Hall for dinner.
He looked up from his beef stew, raising one eyebrow derisively. "What?"
"Potter's. Watching. You," she repeated.
He frowned. "What are you on about?"
"He's trying to figure out what you're up to. He's onto you."
Draco's eyes immediately shot over to the Gryffindor table. "Bloody Potter," he muttered. "How do you know?"
"Caught him red handed following you," she shrugged.
His eyes narrowed. "How? Unless you were following me too."
"No I wasn't!" She instantly defended herself, rolling her eyes. "Just spotted him. Asked him if he fancied you."
It was Draco's turn to roll his eyes. "Leave it out."
"You could at least tell me what you're doing," she said, and couldn't help the passive aggressive tone that slipped out.
Draco threw his napkin down impatiently and snarled, "I wish you'd just offer to give me a massage or something instead of whinging about things that don't concern you."
Her face turned sour and she could feel her heart picking up speed, out of adrenaline and anger. "Don't be so fucking rude. You're lucky I still speak to you."
"I don't see why you wouldn't say 'What can I do to help you? How can I make you feel better?'"
She looked disgusted. "All you want is sex."
"That's not what I said," he said shortly. "What do you want from me? My hands are tied."
Frustrated, she rolled her eyes and got up from the table.
Later that evening, when Pansy saw him with what looked like two young girls but was in fact the Polyjuiced Crabbe and Goyle, he had only one thought. She is going to bloody kill me.
He sighed. She gave him the cold shoulder all next day. In their first lesson he sent her a note saying "let me explain. It's not what you think".
Her face when she opened it was unreadable. Giving nothing. He saw her scribbling something on a piece of parchment, which she folded carelessly and handed to Tracey Davis and mumbled something. Tracey in turn handed it to Crabbe who handed it to Draco.
His heart was racing fast as he received her reply. Two terribly disappointing words. "Don't bother"
He swallowed.
In the common room after dinner, however, she walked up to him threateningly close to his face. Instinctively, he backed away. Crabbe and Goyle hurried to his sides, which just added to his embarrassment. As if he needed their help against a little girl. Crabbe cracked his knuckles.
"You can tell your thugs to back down," Pansy said coldly. "I only wanted to give you this."
She handed over a small, gold bracelet. A romantic gift he'd given her for Christmas. It sent a painful jolt to his abdomen.
"Leave us," he snarled at his cronies.
"You're the boss," Crabbe shrugged and they grabbed their school bags and left. Draco turned back to Pansy, who looked coldly back at him.
"Why are you giving this back to me?"
"I have nothing to say to you," she said. She turned to leave but he grabbed her arm roughly, forcing her to stay. "Ow!" she exclaimed.
"Just," he said, frustrated, but let her go. "Don't go. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just-"
"Wanted to show you're a big strong man?" she taunted. "That you're stronger than me?"
"No, Pansy, stop."
She paused for a moment to look at him.
He swallowed. "It was a gift. You should keep it."
"I don't want anything to do with you. You dangle me along all year and make me do your work for you, under this pretence that you're doing something unspeakable to save your family. Meanwhile you're actually just out with other girls."
"I can explain all of it if you let me."
"Don't bother."
May 1997
She ignored him after that. She started to fantasise about having him closer, having more of him. Missing him intensely. Like she'd never longed for anything in her life. It took over her mind. A deep need for his affection. Hidden moments together in some dark alcove. That was all she wanted now, she wanted it so badly. Not just sex but the ecstatic feeling of being close to him. Of knowing that he was just as in love with her as he was in him. Pure extasy. A drug. Pure happiness. Smelling his scent on her skin the next day in class. Would it ever be like that again?
"You know, Pans," said Daphne, stroking her back. "There are lots of better boys than Malfoy."
Pansy turned to look at her in disbelief. "Like who?"
"Well... lots of people! Montague, Warrington, Roger Davies, Cauldwell, even the Weasley twins are pretty good looking..."
Pansy snorted. "How dare you compare Draco to a Weasley."
Daphne smirked. "You know you're the only one who thinks he should feature on the List."
"I don't care," said Pansy staring down at the table in front of her. "I only want him."
"He's looking really ragged lately anyway," said Daphne, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
"No he isn't!"
But she was right, and during the rest of the year Draco's appearance and physical and mental health seemed to deteriorate at an alarming rate. Voldemort had taken Draco's future away, as well as his ego, his smirk, his swagger. What was left was a puppet. A shell. After what happened to Katie Bell in Hogsmeade, Draco had been uneasy and nervous, checking the papers a lot, his face screaming guilt – but why had he tried to kill her? Pansy couldn't figure it out. Daphne even told her one day that Draco had asked her to ask McGonagall how Bell was doing. Strange behaviour indeed.
"Snape has asked you to his office again," said Nott to Draco at dinner. Pansy looked up. Draco's pale, sickly looking face contorted into anger.
"What does that wanker want now?"
Nott raised his eyebrows while Pansy frowned. "Why so touchy, Malfoy?" asked Nott.
"Course he's touchy. Pent up, isn't he," said Blaise, sniggering. "Hasn't had his dose of Pansy in a while has he."
Pansy felt her cheeks go red. So everyone knew?
"Piss off Zabini," said Malfoy and threw his napkin down.
"What should I tell him then?" asked Nott as Draco got up.
"Whatever you want. I'm not going," said Draco. "Excuse me," he added rudely to a fifth year Slytherin girl that was in his way. She smiled flirtily at him and said "Oh, sorry, Malfoy." She looked after him when he walked away. Pansy narrowed her eyes, her heart rate speeding up.
"What a slag," she muttered to Daphne.
"Do something then," said Daphne. "You can't let that happen. Set a precedent."
"Greenford," Pansy said loudly. "Your tie is undone and I can tell you've shortened your skirt. Detention."
She ignored the younger girl's protest, and smirked. What was her Prefect badge for if not to abuse it as she pleased?
She continued pretending to hate Draco for another few days but then he was viciously attacked by Potter in the bathroom, and so of course, loyally, she ran to visit him in the hospital wing as soon as she'd heard. How strange to think Draco and Potter used to fist fight and now they had graduated to dark spells.
He was half asleep when she got there, and she had to steady her breath from running. The sheer panic that had risen in her was calmed slightly by seeing him lying there. He was bandaged but he was alive. In a way she was glad to have a reason to drop her anger for him and get on speaking terms again.
Madam Pomfrey was dabbing at his wounds when she entered the hospital wing and got closer to his bed.
"Bloody hell woman, what do you think you're doing pouring acid on me?"
"Don't be silly, Mr Malfoy. I'm healing you. You are lucky to be alive."
"Yeah, lucky," he grunted sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "He should've left me for dead."
"Oh shush it!" said Madam Pomfrey, but then Draco saw Pansy. He froze, his eyes meeting hers in a mixture of relief at seeing her and fear.
"Draco," she breathed. Madam Pomfrey turned around.
"Miss Parkinson, Mr Malfoy isn't well enough for visitors-"
"Give us a moment," said Draco rudely. "She's the Slytherin Prefect, I'm sure Professor Snape sent her to check on me."
"Oh go on then, but only five minutes." She left.
"Are you all right?" Pansy said softly as she moved closer to his bed. He gave a bitter laugh.
"Don't think I've ever been worse to be perfectly honest."
Pansy sat down next to his bed. "What happened? Professor Snape said Potter attacked you, but surely not—"
"He did," said Draco in a weak voice. "Hit me with a severing charm. Pretty bad one at that. My mother is on her way and my father has been informed in Azkaban."
"He cursed you?" she said, shocked, and ignored the part about his parents, whom she couldn't give two Kneazle craps about right then.
"Yeah," said Draco shortly. "Hit me from behind, the coward."
"You haven't done anything to him," she said, upset.
"He's always hated me."
"I'm glad you're ok. But I'm still annoyed with you."
"I didn't cheat on you, I promise."
It was all that she'd been thinking about for a week. She had tears in her eyes. Did it really matter, if he was telling the truth? He'd still hurt her immensely this year. They would still never go back to the way things had been.
"Then what?"
"I Polyjuiced Crabbe and Goyle to keep a lookout for me. You saw me with Crabbe and Goyle. I haven't even been near another girl."
"Really?" she raised an eyebrow, sceptically.
"Yes," he said. "If you weren't so bloody dramatic, I would've told you that a week ago."
"Even so," she said, and pulled her hand away. "You've been shutting me out all year and making me do your Prefect duties for you. I'm not your sodding House-Elf."
It hit him with a pang of guilt.
"All you do is use me to get me to do your Prefect work for you," she mumbled. "I could report you, you know."
"Pansy!" he protested wildly, "You know I'm doing something for the Dark Lord. Urquhart's kicked me out of the team. Dumbledore's golden boy nearly just killed me. You really think I need one more thing on my plate right now?"
She hesitated. He knew just how to play on her heart strings. Of course she felt bad for him. And she didn't want to give him more trouble.
He was softer when he next spoke. "I know you've been waiting for a long time and I'm sorry but I have to do this for my family."
It was all that mattered since the Dark Lord had taken over. Taken Draco from her. She didn't matter anymore.
He was never the same again.
September 1997
Draco walked around like a ghost all sixth year. Then in June he left with Snape without saying goodbye to Pansy. It was a betrayal that topped everything else.
On the 1st of September, she hadn't spoken to Draco since he left school before summer holidays, so she was surprised to say the least when he forcefully pulled her into his compartment on the train.
"Who do you think you are ignoring my letters?" he snarled, furious at his pride being compromised. She glared at him and pulled herself out of his grip.
"As if you care! You left school without a word. After ignoring me and using me for a year. Don't you come running back now with your tail between your legs."
"Pansy," he said slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was given a task by the dark lord and I had to focus on that."
"And now you want me back, just like that? Do you think I'm an idiot? That I'll just be here waiting for you?"
He paused to look at her. "I hope so."
She scoffed at him, disgusted.
His tone was softer when he next spoke, and he moved closer to her. He grabbed her hand, and trailed his fingers into hers. "I fancy you so much, Pansy. Obviously"
Taken aback, she couldn't think of anything to say. She swallowed thickly. Of course this had been what she'd wanted for so many months. But her pride didn't let her just accept it.
"I'm sorry about last year," he mumbled, his face inching closer to hers, as he grabbed her hand and entwined her fingers with hers. "I'm sorry for making you do my Prefect work for me."
She looked at him with sadness in her eyes.
"I'm sorry for leaving without saying anything."
He grabbed her hand in his and kissed it.
"I hate you, you're a wanker."
"Then why are you still holding my hand?"
She promptly threw his hand away from her. "I also heard you snogged Nerida Roberts!"
He smirked slightly, which only infuriated her more. "I thought you'd lost interest," he said. "You ignored my owls all summer."
"I was hurt Draco! Because you left without a word and you spent the whole last year ignoring me and making me do your Prefect work for you. So I ignored you. So you just go and snog someone else?"
She expected him to defend himself, to make excuses, to start deflecting, but she didn't expect what he did. He actually smiled.
"I didn't."
"What?"
"I just wanted to see your reaction. No, I didn't. I was stuck in the manor all summer. The Dark Lord is using it as his base now. I didn't even leave the house. It's been shit. Which is why I wish you would've answered my owls, you prick."
She glared at him. "You're such a dickhead."
"I love you too."
She shook her head, amused, and finally let him kiss her.
September 1997
Draco was afraid to be alone with his thoughts. Even sitting in class, in the silence, terrified him. Because suddenly he thought "Voldemort could attack us at any time." A wave of panic came over him, his heart racing suddenly.
But why would he? He already had the school. Snape and the Carrows were in charge. The nightmare was already here.
Pansy was looking at him quizzingly. She always knew when something was up with him. He swallowed thickly. She grabbed his hand under the table and squeezed.
"You ok baby?"
No, and he didn't think he ever would be again.
"Yeah."
She lightly touched the golden Head Boy badge on his robes. "You want to go for a walk down to the lake after this?"
Despite himself, and his inner turmoil, he smiled softly at her. What would he do without her?
She led him out of the classroom when the lesson was over, and he just followed. He'd follow her anywhere. The castle towered above them as they walked down the hill. The black waters of the lake was like a mirror. The magnificent hills surrounding Hogwarts casting shadow over the lake. They sat down under a beech tree.
"The Carrows are pretty shit aren't they," said Pansy.
"I hate them so much. I wish we didn't have to be on their side." He threw a rock into the lake angrily.
"Do we have to?"
"Yes, Pansy." He sighed. "We have to pretend to be on the Dark Lord's side. Even if Potter ever defeated him, all that would await me would be social ruin. Or prison."
Pansy bit her lip. "That's a pretty gloomy future."
"Yep. It's either that or be in his service until I die."
"Fuck."
"Yeah," Draco agreed. "And Potter would never be able to defeat him. He's probably off hiding in some cave. What's a little boy like that going to do to a powerful dark wizard? We're doomed."
"We'll make it work," said Pansy. "Somehow."
"I'm glad I have you by my side."
"Yeah, me too." She lay her head on his shoulder. "Everyone else are idiots. Everyone except the two of us."
"Maybe we're idiots too."
Pansy laughed. And he couldn't help but to smile. There was no better feeling than making Pansy Parkinson laugh.
"Let's go strawberry picking."
"What?"
"Remember how Dumbledore said Dippet had strawberries planted on the grounds?"
"It's September, there won't be any left?"
"Let's go have a look anyway!" said Pansy. "We might get lucky. Might be the last of the year. If we can't find any, we can go squash Hagrid's giant pumpkins instead."
"That sounds like fun to be fair."
October 1998
In the vague early morning light, Pansy woke up slowly and then all at once. For a split second she didn't remember what had happened last night, but then it hit her like the Hogwarts Express. Fuck. They had essentially broken up, and then had sex.
In a moment of panic, she turned to her side quickly to see Draco lying there on the bed next to hers, merely centimetres away, but it may as well have been a mile. His eyes were open, and he was staring into the canopy. Her heart sped up and she cleared her throat.
"You're awake?"
"Yes," he grunted coldly.
"How did you sleep?"
He snorted. "As if you care."
She sighed and looked away. A moment of silence immersed them, and the air felt thick. She knew she had to break the tension.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" he asked harshly. He crossed his arms. "What is it you're doing, exactly?"
"I'm... going through something."
"Just say it, Pansy."
"I want to break up."
He snorted again, and shook his head. "You're being mental."
She swallowed thickly. There was so much she wanted to say but she didn't want to hurt him.
"Why? Why are you doing this?" A glimmer of desperation came out in his voice.
She turned to look at him. "I don't know. I'm sorry. I... It's like my whole life I've been controlled. My mother controls everything I do. 'Make sure to get good marks, make sure to not eat that dessert or you'll gain weight, make sure not to be friends with the wrong people, make sure you marry a Pureblood, make sure to think of your posture...'"
"So? Break up with your mother then, not me. I have never controlled you."
"I'm not saying that. I'm just..." She took a deep breath. "For a while now, I've felt like I'm with you for a reason I'm not really understanding anymore. For appearances. To make everyone else happy. But I'm not happy. I feel this need to shake up my perfect world a bit."
"What do you mean?"
"I did something you won't ever forgive me for." And there. She had said it. He suddenly sat up in bed.
"What did you do?"
"I can't say it."
"You have to say it. Tell me right now."
She hid her face in her hands. "I slept with Blaise."
For a moment there was silence, and when she finally mustered up some courage to look up, Draco was staring at her, his eyes wide, his nostrils flaring, his jaw clenched. Pure shock.
Then, a sneer formed on his face and he adapted a cold passiveness. "I knew it. I was right all along."
"I'm so sorry."
He snorted again, but she was surprised he wasn't yelling. "Everything has been a lie. Four years of my life has been a lie. Wasted."
He said it all slowly, as if it was landing with him bit by bit.
"Please don't say that!"
"Why?" he said heatedly. "It was all for nothing! Pointless!"
"Please don't say that, Draco, it's not true!"
He looked at her with that utter coldness. "You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I regret every single second I spent on you."
He was staring at her with such contempt, and yet there was a sense of desperate longing in there too. She felt her face screw up in a grimace as tears fell from her eyes.
"You deserve to cry," he said. "You deserve to feel like that."
She nodded.
"Give me the ring back." He forcefully grabbed her hand and tried to pry the engagement ring from her finger.
"Draco, please-"
"You don't deserve to wear this!"
Silent tears ran down her face as she gave in and let him rip the ring from her finger, scratching her in the process. He threw it roughly across the room.
For a long time he sat, panting angrily.
Then, "I don't think you're in your right mind, Pansy."
Pansy was still crying, her head buried in her hands. She didn't want it to turn out it this way. She hadn't planned this at all.
"I think this is about something else. Isn't it Pansy?"
She sniffled and wiped her face. "I.. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I never thought about it. Maybe I want to move to London."
"So? I could move to London with you."
"The has always been so narrow lately, what with the Dark Lord and everyting. You know? I never pictured my life after school. My future. School, friends, getting through the week. That was it. I never thought about the big open wide future."
"So this is the shock, of the war ending?"
"I don't know."
Somehow she had a niggling feeling he wasn't meant to be there in London with her in the future. She wanted to date, to have fun, experience things. Not just settle for the first boy she found in Hogwarts.
Suddenly, Draco leant in and stroked her, and tried to kiss her, and for a confused secondshe gave in but then she pushed him away. He looked like a child caught with his hand in the biscuit jar.
"No Draco," she mumbled
He looked utterly heartbroken. Quickly, it turned sour however.
"I don't care what you do, Pansy," he said menacingly. "Go shag Zabini if you want. You'll still always be mine. You can't change that."
"That's…" she trailed off, looking at him sadly. She didn't want to hurt him anymore. But she had to. "…Not true."
Whatever love had been left on his face disappeared now. He was now looking at her the way he used to look at his enemies at school. "It makes sense," he said coldly. You were the most influential girl and I was the most influential boy in Slytherin."
Pansy shook her head in disgust. "I wasn't with you because you were 'influential' and the fact that that's what you think our relationship was just proves I did the right thing in ending this."
"Then what was it, Pansy?" He insisted. "If it wasn't just convenience. If you didn't just like me for my power and my money."
She shot him another disgusted look. "I have my own money thanks."
"What then?"
She shook her head and paused. "The way you're acting right now doesn't make me feel very inclined to tell you what I loved about you."
The fact that she used the word love in past tense wasn't lost on him. His face sobered up. He swallowed. "No," he said forcefully. "Tell me."
Something in his eyes made her pity him. Sighed, still irritated, and looked away. "Draco, there's no point going over this."
"There is," he said, his eyes now glaring into hers. "You need to tell me."
She didn't falter but felt softer towards him. "Draco, you know how much I loved you. Ever since I first met you, I loved you, and at first maybe it was because you were the most popular boy in our group. But we also had so much fun together. We did everything together. Prefects. Weasley is Our King. Potter Stinks. Inquisitorial Squad. Everything. I led the cheer and you played for Slytherin. I thought I was the luckiest girl in Hogwarts. You made me laugh like no other. You're my first love. I wouldn't have lost my virginity to anyone else. I thought I would marry you."
"We still can."
"But… it slowly, over time, calmed down. Or it just went away, I don't know. I wish I still felt that way. I don't know why I don't, but.. I don't. The way I love you now is more like… a brother."
He cringed deeply and turned away.
She took a deep breath. "I know that's not what you want to hear."
"For fuck's sake," he said. "You think?"
"We were just perfect on paper, but we've both grown."
"I don't want it to end," he said. "Why would you have sex with me last night if you see me as a brother?"
"I don't know," she mumbled, looking away. "I probably shouldn't' have."
"No Pansy, you did because you wanted to," he insisted, moving in close suddenly to grab her arms. "You know you fancy me. Why else would you have sex with me, or be intimate with me, kiss me, sleep with me…"
"Because…" she didn't dare meet his eyes because she could feel how he was subconsciously manipulating her. "Habit. It's comfortable."
He cringed again. "You don't mean that. That is cruel."
"I'm sorry."
"So what if it's gone away a bit, I'm not as in love with you as I was a few years ago either. It's normal," he insisted. "That's a phase. When it's new and exciting. We still love each other and we do still fancy each other."
"I don't know anymore. I… don't know."
"It's fine, it can come back. It will come back. You're just feeling like this right now. But you do still fancy me, or you wouldn't still be sleeping with me."
"I don't know Draco, I just…" She needed to say all these things but he wouldn't let her. She felt suffocated.
"What?"
"It's not normal to stay with one person for your whole life."
He looked hurt and taken aback again. "What's wrong with that? It's what our parents have done. It's what I want to do with you. I love you. And I know you love me. You wouldn't be with me all these years if you didn't."
It all came out in years of pent up frustration, like a flood. She finally exclaimed, "I don't love you like that anymore Draco!"
He just shook his head, as if that is going to make it less true. "Don't do this, Pansy."
"It'll pass," she said, putting a hand on his hand. "You'll be fine."
She now moved to comfort him, now that he had finally stopped trying to comfort her. "You'll be fine, you're Draco Malfoy."
He looked up slowly and met her eyes. She could see all of his pain as he said, "I'm not Draco Malfoy without you."
It was almost enough. Almost. Pansy sighed, feeling her heart break too. Tears started running down her face again and she hid her face behind her hands.
"I wish it wasn't like this," she cried. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I didn't have to do this. I wanted to be with you forever. But I don't want to anymore, and I don't know why, but I can't force it."
He held her face with both of his hands, wiping her tears. She let him even though she shouldn't.
"I don't even care that you've been with Blaise, I can get over it," he said, and there were tears in his eyes too. "We can figure it out, we can work at it, we can't throw all of this away. Everyone except the two us remember?"
She had to be strong. Even though she felt like she was breaking inside. "No, Draco."
He wiped her tears with both of his hands. It was a broken fairytale.
It was almost painfully obvious that a chapter of her life was ending, and it made it hard to breathe. It brought her back to the start. Now that they were at the end.
The start. Flashes of memories. Of how they first met. Frequences of scenes. Of their first kiss. Of him asking her to the Yule Ball. Of making the Potter Stinks badges together. Of writing the lyrics to Weasley is Our King together, in fits of laughter. The nostalgia of what now felt like another life.
Blurs of every sweet word he'd ever said to her. When he'd told her to be his girlfriend and she'd been bursting of happiness. The first time he told her he loved her and she'd known with every fibre of her being that she felt the same way. She always had. She always would. Just not in that same way anymore.
The start was flashing before her eyes, but also the end. The end that never happened.
The fantasy of Draco's wrinkled face and his blonde hair turned white. His veiny old hand holding hers. The fantasy of their blonde children and grandchildren. A future that would no longer come true, was flashing before her eyes.
She could see everything she'd had, and everything she was losing.
October 1998
Draco's mood darkened as the bottle emptied, the low chattering of the other patrons of the pub mindlessly distracting him.
Today's Evening Prophet lay in front of him, getting wetter and wetter by his Firewhiskey glass. The large headline was something about Precious Potter catching another Death Eater on the run, but in the corner there was a small headline that said 'Draco Malfoybreaks off engagement with Hogwarts sweetheart – Rita Skeeter has the scoop'. He couldn't bear to open it and see what nonsense she had printed. Or would it all be true? Even worse. Everyone had been so shocked. 'But you're such a great couple!'
Every negative thing anyone had said to him was resurfacing in his mind as he desperately ransacked it to try and figure out why Pansy didn't seem to love him anymore.
Someone had called Draco posh once. He liked the word posh and all it implied. Money, security, class, respect, travel, nice food, good manners, ambition. What was bad about that?
Seamus Finnigan had called Draco a coward during the war. A cowardly turncoat. His enemies at school had probably called him arrogant, possibly a bully. But Pansy had never seemed to mind – quite the opposite.
But he'd also been called funny, clever and handsome by Pansy. Had that been a lie? She had seemed like she had admired him at Hogwarts. Always.
What the hell could it be that Pansy didn't like about him anymore?
He had asked Blaise here this evening, but his owl had returned letter-less. So be it. Draco would go to his home then. He deserved this. Draco was owed an explanation.
"Ah, Draco," said Blaise as he opened his front door. Draco snorted, and wasted no time.
"What the fuck do you think you're playing at, going after another's fiancée?"
"Draco," Blaise said and looked away. "I didn't go after her. Your breakup has nothing to do with me."
"Oh indeed?"
"Pansy's clearly not happy, and she doesn't want to be with you anymore."
"And she wants to be with you?" Draco taunted, "I could laugh! What's someone like you going to offer her? Don't you know Pansy values status and money?"
"You clearly don't have a very high view of her."
"I was there first," Draco said smugly, ignoring his former friend's baseless statement.
"Only a child would say that, Malfoy."
Draco sneered. "But still, doesn't it bother you? I've been inside her... hundreds of times."
"You're vile," Blaise said coldly.
"I had her first."
"Again, you're a child. She's not a toy."
Draco narrowed his eyes. "She's just a girl to you. Why do you care anyway?"
"You know that's not true."
Draco laughed, ostentatiously swooning. "Oh, let me guess - you're in love are you?" he said condescendingly, while a burning rage grew and grew inside her.
"You have to get over the fact that you lost her," said Blaise coolly, not letting his former classmate get to him. "You'd never understand caring about someone other than yourself Malfoy."
Wrath took over his entire being, as he swung his fist at Blaise's handsome face, powerless to stop himself.