Hope you enjoy! (I do not own Twilight)
The next few days passed in a blur. Since that night in the tub, Edward had distanced himself, only touching me when necessary. I chose not to bring up what had happened, still unsure of what to make of that night.
Each day felt like a repeat of the last; sleep, eat, and then whatever random activity Edward had planned for me. My time was constantly occupied. I was grateful for the distraction though. It helped take my mind off everything that had happened.
He filled our days with activities: snorkeling, sightseeing, even an embarrassing venture into the woods that had left me sweating and tripping on every step I took. My clothes would get more and more revealing as the days warmer. Every once in a while, I would catch his eyes. The way they flared with restraint, it felt like a hunger he was fighting so hard to suppress. Every time he caught me looking at him, the flames of his desire would ignite, and I would feel that magnetic pull between us, drawing closer and yet further apart. It felt both exhilarating and frustrating. A part of me was thankful for his restraint but another part yearned for him to yield to the passion beneath the surface. I would question my decision often during these moments, only to brush it off, knowing what I am doing is for the best.
"Bella," his voice startled me, pulling me from my thoughts. Edward stood in the doorway; his features softened in the light of the setting sun. "Are you ready for dinner?" I was sitting on the patio that was attached to our bedroom, watching the sunset as Edward started to cook. I was always exhausted from the many activates we did and would usually pass out after dinner.
"Sure," I replied, forcing a smile. He joined me on the patio, bringing out a plate of chicken and rice he's been working on for the past hour. The familiar intoxicating scent of him floods my senses as he gets closer. Food or not, I always felt a hunger with him. I reached out, purposely brushing my fingers against his as he handed me the plate.
He flinched slightly at my touch, and I instantly felt the sting of hurt. I pulled my hand back, slowly taking the plate from him and placed it on the table. He gave me an apologetic look and sat next to me, watching me eat.
Dinner passed in pleasant yet strained conversations. Edward was all manners and charm, reminding me of the gentleman I had fallen in love with. I soon finished, Edward taking my plate and disappeared the next second. I got up, stuffed from the meal and headed to the bedroom. I went to the table to pick up the book I had started when I got here. The once-inviting room now felt like an awkward cage, the sunset spilling through the windows casting my shadow. I noticed it change as Edward appeared just behind me, his shadow towering over mine. I could feel his gaze piercing through my back as I kept my gaze on the book on the table.
"Bella, I need to talk to you," he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Okay…" I replied softly, my heart instinctively racing at the tone of his voice. I had a feeling I knew what this was about. I fully turned around to face him, the book now in my hand.
"I need to tell you how sorry I am," he stated, running a hand through his messy hair, clearly agitated. "About that night... I don't know what came over me. I let something primal take control, something that frightened me. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
I took a step closer, my brow furrowing. "Edward, you don't need to apologize," I urged, trying to convey my understanding. "I know you're confused, but—"
"No, Bella," he interjected, his voice rising slightly, his distress clashing with my attempts to reassure him. "You don't understand. Ever since we've gotten married, being alone here on the island; it's pushed this side of me to the surface that I didn't even know existed. I can barely control it... I've avoided this exact conversation because I couldn't find the right way to explain it." His hands fisted at his sides, a mixture of frustration and vulnerability reflecting on his features.
I felt sympathy as I watched him struggle. "Edward, I never wanted you to feel like you had to hide anything from me," I said, taking one of his hands in mine. "You can be yourself with me." My mind screamed at me, making me feel like the hypocrite that I am.
"I want to be better," he confessed, his voice dropping to a whisper, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air between us. "I want to be the gentleman you fell in love with. I don't want to scare you off or turn into someone you wouldn't recognize. I'm terrified that this feeling inside me is taking over and I won't be able to come back. It's like I'm on this edge, teetering between wanting you and fearing what I'm becoming." His hand, now rubbing mine.
"You won't lose yourself, Edward," I promised, searching his gaze. "This is new for both of us, the intimacy, the vulnerability. I just want to make sure we are both fully committed and are doing this for the right reasons."
His eyes fill with confusion. He lets go of my hand completely, taking a step back. "I don't know what you mean... It's hard to understand what you're thinking when you say things like this Bella." He says in a soft voice.
I don't understand it either…
"You have to tell me if you are having second thoughts." He urged.
I quickly shook my head, desperate to reassure him. "No, of course not," I insisted, forcing a smile, but then hesitated, my words trailing off. I could feel the truth bubbling up from my throat. "Well, not exactly…"
Not in the way you think.
His expression fell, a look of self-loathing crossing his features. "Not exactly?" he said in a soft voice. "Bella, you can't mean that. I've been—" He stopped short, suddenly disgusted with himself, the realization hitting him. "I've been pressuring you into something you may not want."
"No!" I yelled.
Panic washed over me as I opened my mouth to reassure him again, but I couldn't bring myself to voice the truth that clung like a weight in my chest. Just tell him.
I thought of the promise he had made, the vow he has committed to since we got here. How he's being so completely honest with me in this moment.
"Its's not that…It's just… I want everything to feel right, you know?" I said, trying to derect the conversation. "I don't want to rush into anything just because we're married. I want to make sure it's special for both of us."
He searched my face, his skepticism evident. "Bella, I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for. I'll wait till the ends of the earth for you. I just thought... that you wanted this too."
I struggled to respond, and the silence awkward between us. "I do…"
"I'm sorry if I've made you feel pressured," he finally said, shame painting his features. "It was never my intention. You deserve someone who will be patient, someone who respects your feelings."
My heart started to ache, my eyes watering. How could I have put him in this position? I felt like I had made him the villain, when all along, it was my inability to explain my fears that had created this rift between us. I didn't want this. Why wasn't I honest to begin with? What kind of wife am I to not tell my husband how I truly feel.
JUST TELL HIM.
"Edward…" I began again, finally ready to tell him everything and unburden myself.
He stopped me with a gentle motion of his hand.
"No. I won't question you anymore." His voice was firm, his decision made. His eyes softened as he took my face in his hands.
I watched him, a sinking feeling settling in my stomach as he held me gently. In that moment, I realized just how much I had pushed him into a corner, how I had deprived him of the truth when all he wanted was to love me. Silence deepened between us, heavy with unspoken words, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. His hands slipped from my face as I wrestled with my own turmoil; the truth of my feelings still churning inside me. The words on the tip of my tongue as I gaze into his eyes.
He gave me a small, tentative smile. "Together, Bella," he promised softly before giving me a light kiss on the forehead, leaving me standing there. Gone before I could mutter another word. Feeling the enormity of what I had done. I had tried to shield him from the truth, but in doing so, I had built another wall between us.
With the room now empty, I felt his distance grow, every minute passed was a step further from the misunderstanding that I had formed. I knew then, promise or not, I could not let it go on like this.
What have I done…
Damn it Bella, get your shit together before I do it for you!