"Help me!" a voice cried out, distorted as if it were coming from under water. "Someone, dear Maker! Help. Me!"

I bolted upright, tearing the blankets from me and gasping in lungfuls of air. Sweat coated my skin and my heart thrummed in my chest. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I realized I was in my room. I dropped my head into shaking hands and my gasps for air became sobs even as I realized the terror I felt was simply from a nightmare.

I needed air.

I thrust the doors to my balcony open and stepped out into the night air. Cool, mountain air rushed into my lungs and ripped at my clothing and hair. The moon hung high in the sky, full and round. Clouds hid most of the stars, I noticed as I turned my face upward. I gulped in deep breaths of the chilled night air and tried to keep the tears at bay.

Suddenly, without any thought in my head but one, I bolted down the staircase in my chambers and burst out into the main hall. No one was there, thankfully, to see my frightful streak across in my nightclothes to the library base. I found what I wanted standing in the firelight, covered in paint and working on his next mural.

I didn't even make it to him before I collapsed into a heap on the floor. Solas turned around immediately at the sound of my sobs and dropped his paintbrush to the floor in his race to get to me. His hands clasped my shoulders and I could hear him asking me what was wrong. I tried to smile reassuringly and apologize for bothering him, but I felt my lips quiver and only a whimper fell out.

Solas gathered me into his arms as best he could, his voice whispering calming words as he rocked us slightly back and forth. I buried my face in his shoulder, tears wetting the fabric there. His hands rubbed in circular motions on my back. I couldn't get out what had terrified me so. I couldn't even understand it.

I'd watched so much death happen before my eyes. I'd even killed people before without so much as a thought afterward. I had had nightmares as a child, but my mother was always there to coo in my ear and tell me it was alright. Until she was no longer there anymore. Even my parents' deaths had left me filled with bone-aching despair, but I had never had nightmares over it.

"It is the demon calling out to you from the Fade," Solas whispered as if in answer. "It is alright. This is the worst it can do. It is angry, but it cannot hurt you."

I clutched at Solas as if he were a rock I clung to in a raging flood and he merely held me tightly, continuing to whisper into my ear.

"I made a bad choice," I choked out.

"Would you rather have had Hawke stay and die?" Solas asked not unkindly.

"No," I whimpered.

"You made a choice out of multiple difficult options. You did everything in your power to stop Clarel. You did everything to get all of us out of there. If anything, you should be upset with Varric and I. We made the choice to pull you out of that lair."

"I–" words failed and I dissolved into sobs again.

Solas brushed a hand down my spine and kissed the top of my head.

"Come here, vhenan," he instructed as he helped me to my feet.

I clung to him still like a child as he guided me to the sofa nearby. He sat me down, prying my fingers from the fabric of his tunic to do so, and moved to kneel in front of me. Tears still flowed freely down my face, but I had reduced my sobbing to pathetic whimpers. He took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes as he said, "You are a wise and caring leader. I fear you may have more difficult decisions to make in the future, but I know you will deal with them with grace and thoughtfulness as you always do. Do not let regret trap you, my love."

I tried to nod, but he still held my face in his hands, so I merely replied, "I will try."

"It is almost morning, would you like to go for a ride?" he asked with the hint of a smile.

"Please," I whispered back with only a minor tremor in my voice.

I pet the nose of the horse I'd just ridden–a beautiful Amaranthine Charger that Denet had acquired–and snuck her a sugar cube while Solas's back was turned.

"You already gave her a treat," he commented without turning around.

"Do you have eyes in the back of your head?" I teased.

"No, I simply know that when you are quiet like that, you are doing something you know you shouldn't."

"He makes me sound like a child," I grumbled to the horse, who whinnied in response.

"Just predictable," Solas said, finally turning around with a playful smirk on his lips.

The horse nudged me with its nose, likely looking for more sugar cubes. I splayed out my hands to show her that I had nothing left and she turned away from me with a huff.

Solas took my hand in his and led me away from the stables. The sun had just poked out over the horizon, covering the world in a soft, warm morning glow. Skyhold was also beginning to stir, though most people were still not ready to emerge from their beds. Solas squeezed my hand and I looked at him. "I need to check on Cole. Can I trust you to check on Varric?"

I nodded, but felt instant regret the second his hand left mine. I agreed with him though. What we went through in the Fade was something that would leave scars. We'd faced the literal embodiment of nightmares. To think we would come out unscathed was foolish. As his leader–no, as his friend –I should check in on Varric. So I made my way up the staircase in the courtyard and began my search for the dwarf. I found him easily enough, though I was surprised that he was awake at this hour. He was standing by the fireplace in the great hall, his gaze intent on the fire there.

"See anything interesting in those flames?" I asked as I approached.

Varric didn't answer at first. When he did, there were no jokes to be had. "I almost lost my friend. If you hadn't forced Hawke out of the Fade, I could have. Thank you for that."

"Thank you for doing the same for me."

"You always try to save everyone, Inquisitor. It's inspiring."

"It's unrealistic," I said disparagingly as I sat in one of the arm chairs.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Varric chided.

"I'm supposed to be the one checking on you," I said with a chuckle.

"I'm alright. That demon was working hard to scare us, but I feel significantly less afraid now that Corypheus has lost his mages and demons."

I scrubbed my face with my hands and sighed heavily. "Yeah, that was a real victory, but there's still so much to do."

"Are you worried about meeting the Empress?"

"Among other things," I laughed.

"Do you want to tell me what had you fleeing your room in terror last night?"

"How–" I cut myself off with a wave of my hand. "It was nothing. Just a bad dream."

The mood soured despite my assertion, however, and Varric said, "I want to talk to you about something."

I turned my eyes to his and nodded for him to go on. "Anything, Varric."

"When we beat Corypheus, I want you to find your own happiness. I want you to focus on yourself and be selfish."

I let out an awkward laugh. "I take time for myself."

Varric gave me a serious look before saying, "Promise me. You've spent so much time on us and fussing over those around you. You've stayed up countless nights with Cullen while he battled his addiction. You found those dusty old tomes for Vivienne. You helped me with Hawke. You even read my crappy book so you could talk to Cassandra about it. You make sure to greet each soldier by name."

"What's your point," I said, uncomfortable with him foisting such praise on me.

"My point is: you deserve a happy ending too."

I pursed my lips and Varric chuckled. "Don't give me that sour look. Just promise me you'll try."

"I don't know what will happen when we beat Corypheus…or if I'll even survive it. But I will try to keep that promise, Varric."

"Good, now that the sappy stuff is out of the way, I want to hear how your ride with Chuckles went."

I shoved his shoulder good-naturedly and laughed.

I laid in bed, too terrified to fully close my eyes despite the fact that they burned from staring at my ceiling for so long. I took in several shaky breaths, the sound of my beating heart ringing in my ears. I was positive I would have another nightmare. I could feel it in my bones and behind my eyes, waiting to be shown and to terrify me to my deepest core. I picked up a trembling hand and ran it through my hair. Panic of the inevitable was beginning to settle inside of me and my breathing hitched. I bolted upright in my bed, throwing away the covers from my body like they were soaked in poison. I could feel sweat forming on my skin. I was going to lose it just sitting here staring at my ceiling. I needed to sleep. But I couldn't convince myself to slip into slumber and greet the haunting dreams waiting for me there. I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes until I saw spots.

There was a soft knock at my door, almost as if the person on the other side were hoping not to awaken me with the sound. I rushed to my door, hoping there was a fire I could put out–something to focus on other than my miserable sleep. When I flung open the door, however, Varric stood there with a bottle and a smirk.

"I took a guess that you weren't sleeping well," Varric commented, taking in my disheveled appearance.

"So you thought alcohol might help?" I asked, nodding my head toward the bottle in his hand.

"Tevinter red," he replied as he showed off the label for me to see. "It's helped me sleep many a night before."

I let out a small laugh and opened my door further, signaling for him to follow me up the stairs. I offered him one of the chairs in my room and dropped down into the other. Varric's bottle was already uncorked, but I didn't have wine glasses and he hadn't brought any. Instead, he simply took a deep swig of the liquid and then passed the bottle to me. I took it and sighed before tipping the bottle back against my lips. The wine burned as it went down, but left a sweet after taste. I handed the bottle back to Varric and let loose another long sigh.

"If you keep sighing like that, you'll wake the whole keep," Varric teased.

"I can't help it," I said, rubbing my eyes roughly. "I want to sleep. I need to sleep."

"We've had to make tough decisions this entire escapade. What's got you so worked up this time?"

"I don't know. When I sided with the mages, I was upset that so many people were angry with my decision, but I still wholly felt like I'd made the right choice. This time around, I feel like there was no right choice…" I trailed off and instead chose to take a drink.

"Because there wasn't. Not everything you come across will be laid out neatly for you. Sometimes, there is no right choice."

I paused before saying, "Solas thinks I should not worry about those I left behind."

"Chuckles has his heroes and villains mixed up. He thinks heroes do whatever they can, no matter the cost. I can't say I don't agree with him though that you can't save everyone all the time. It doesn't mean you can't mourn them though."

"How do I honor their memory while still being the hero everyone thinks I should be?"

Varric hummed in thought before saying, "I would say you try your best to honor their memory, but don't let it stand in the way of you doing the right thing where you can. Don't feel guilty for being given an impossible choice."

"I regret ever going to Adamant," I murmured truthfully.

"You shouldn't. Look at the pros and cons of it. If we hadn't, the Grey Wardens would have brought that nightmare monster to this plane. He would have caused a lot more harm. Then Corypheus would have had his demon army and his Grey Warden mages. He would have been even more powerful than he is now. You stopped that. We lost some people along the way–too many–but you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have more good work to do."

"If I had asked Hawke to stay behind instead, would you still be saying all of this?" I asked bitterly.

Varric pursed his lips and took a deep gulp of wine before answering, "I probably wouldn't have been as nice about it, but the sentiment would be the same. You did what you could. You always do what you can. I stand by that. And I'll be there to remind you when you don't remember it."

I cracked a smile and held out my hand for the bottle. "You got any more of this stuff?"

He handed it to me and said sheepishly, "I may have, uh, borrowed this one from Josephine's collection."

"She's going to kill you," I commented as I drained the last dregs of the bottle. "Thanks, Varric."

I awoke the next morning with only a slight headache from all the wine Varric and I had downed. I had managed to sleep a few hours before waking up in a cold sweat, which was better than I had thought I would do. What made me truly feel better though, was spending time with my companions. I had checked on each one this morning to make sure they were alright. The only thing bolstering my spirit was seeing them recovering. I was on my way to check on Blackwall, but as I approached the barn, I heard voices. I halted my steps when I realized they were familiar voices.

"Sera and I were just talking about you," Blackwall said with a grunt as he stood.

I pressed my back to the outside of the barn, close enough to hear, but out of sight. I don't know why I hid, but I suppose I enjoyed hearing the others react to one another. When they weren't at each other's throats, of course.

Solas sighed heavily. "This is going to be offensive, isn't it?"

"Probably. Sorry," Blackwall said without a hint of being actually sorry. "You make friends with spirits in the Fade. Do you have any–uh–friends that are more than friends?"

"Oh for the– really ?"

"It's a natural thing to be curious about!" Blackwall defended.

"For a 12 year old," Solas argued.

"Yes or no?"

"Nothing is simple about the Fade or spirits!"

"So you do have experience in these matters?"

"I didn't say that."

"Don't panic. It'll be our little secret," Blackwall teased.

"Ass," Solas shot.

Blackwall barked out a laugh and said, "Now who's 12?"

I tried to stifle a laugh, but a small squeak escaped and Solas called out, "I thought I sensed you lurking there."

I was caught.

I slid out from my hiding spot and up beside Solas. He was still bickering with Blackwall about who was the bigger child and as I neared, he instinctively wrapped an arm around my waist without stopping his conversation. I froze.

Solas always had hugs and kisses readily available when we were alone, but he was not affectionate around others. He feared showing the Inquisitor as someone with a weakness–that weakness being an apostate mage at that–was a bad image for me. True, it wasn't a secret that we were in love, but it was the Inquisition's greatest not talked about secret.

Almost immediately, he released his mistake and retracted his arm, but Blackwall and Denet had noticed. Even the mounts were staring at us. Blackwall coughed into his fist and my entire face burned red.

"A-anyway," I said too loudly. "Blackwall, how are the Grey Wardens fairing? Have you heard anything?"

"They're doing well, Inquisitor." Blackwall's smile was vicious and suggestive as he looked back and forth between Solas and I. I punched him in the shoulder playfully.

"What did I tell you about minding your business?" I chastised.

He put up his hands innocently and said, "I'm just saying, it's nice to see something good come out of all this."

"What do you mean?" I asked with an eyebrow raise.

He glanced between Solas and I again. "I think we all know what you mean to one another."

"Mind. Your. Business!" I punched his shoulder again and again with each word.

Blackwall merely tossed his head back and laughed. "I'll see you two lovebirds later. Come on Denet. Let's have a drink."

"But I–"

"Now, Denet."

When the two had stepped outside, Blackwall slammed the barn doors closed and I stomped my foot with annoyance. My face was hot with embarrassment, but I wasn't sad to be alone with Solas. I had spent most of my morning checking on everyone. I had stopped to talk to Cole myself, but curiously he said he wasn't allowed to talk to me. I made a mental note to circle back and chat with him later. The last person for me to check on…was the man before me.

I laced my fingers with his and took one step closer. "How are you, vhenan?"

"Coming to check on me now?" Solas teased, a glimmer in his eyes.

My smile faltered as I said, "You were there too. I know you love the Fade, but we weren't in a great part of it. Are you alright?"

"I am," he said shortly.

"Can I ask…" I trailed.

"About my greatest fear? I would prefer it if you didn't."

I bit my lip at the harshness in his tone and Solas caught the motion. He sighed heavily. "Forgive me, my love. It is not a subject I am comfortable discussing."

"Solas…you shouldn't have that fear anymore," I replied softly.

"W-why is that?"

I tugged him closer with our joined hands and placed a kiss on his lips. "Because from now until the day we leave this realm, I will be with you."

Solas's brows twitched downward as if he were conflicted about something. Then, in one motion, he scooped me up. His hands gripped my ass as my legs wrapped around him. My arms went around his neck just as his lips crashed against mine. His tongue was hot as it brushed against mine and I tightened my legs around him as a twinge of lust speared through my body. Solas pulled away only briefly.

"How do you always whisper such sweet, tempting words?" he whispered hoarsely and then his lips were on mine again.

Solas backed us up until he could set me down on the edge of the workbench and then his hands were buried in my hair as he cradled my face. I melted into his touch, loving every swirl of his tongue against mine and caress of his thumb against my cheek. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, I reached up and started to undo the buttons of my shirt. Solas leaned back from my lips to watch the movement of my fingers with greedy, lust drenched eyes. His breathing was uneven and his lips swollen. For once, he didn't back away. For once, he merely waited for me to continue with as much desire in his gaze as I was sure was in mine.

Only a handful of buttons were undone when Solas slipped his hand beneath the fabric, fingertips barely brushing against my skin. I arched into the touch, desperate for more. Solas's thumb stroked beneath the soft flesh of my breast and I heard myself produce the softest moan. Something flickered in Solas's eyes and, for one panic-filled moment, I thought he would stop. But instead he merely smirked and placed several teasing kisses along my neck. I huffed in annoyance and squirmed on the bench, but Solas's hands found my hips and held me in place.

"Don't move," he ordered as he straightened, his voice deep and his eyes dark.

I bit my lip and smirked just before I reached out and seized him by his necklace. I pulled him back down to me. "Are you making demands?" I whispered coyly.

Solas grinned down at me before he bent down and placed his lips at my throat. I tilted my head back, still holding onto his necklace like it was a leash as I let him lavish me with kisses. His teeth found my flesh along my shoulder and neck in a light bite and I purred happily. I pressed my hips against Solas's as he brought his forehead to rest against mine. The pair of us stared at each other, both ready to devour the other, when the sounds of approaching footsteps sent us scrambling. Solas picked me up and carried me to the nearby empty stall and I snapped the stall door closed. Solas dumped us both into the freshly laid down hay.

"Blackwall?" Cassandra called. "Are you in here?"

The shuffling and snorts of the mounts were her only reply and Cassandra closed the barn door with a mutter. I couldn't help myself–I burst into a fit of laughter. Solas shook his head at me, but his own grin was wide. I took his face in my hands and planted loud, noisy kisses on his lips.

"You shouldn't be so giddy about being caught in a compromising situation with an apostate," Solas commented between my kisses.

I rolled him over so that I was on top of him and said, "It's not like it's a secret that I'm madly in love with you."

Solas smirked wickedly at me though his tone was chastising, "Appearances matter, Inquisitor."

"So you keep saying," I murmured as I pressed my lips to the tender flesh of his neck.

He groaned and swallowed hard before saying, "Come. We should change before the others spot us."

"Spoil sport," I hissed.