WhIP

by footfungus

nederlands verhalen over mijn otp

227. Chapter 227

All The Bright Places

Ellitheria

Summary:

Tim doesn't speak.

He can't speak.

"So, um, they said I'm lucky I came in when I did. And… well, they've admitted me for more testing. They said that if it's confined to my uterus then they can just do surgery and I'll be fine. You know, other than losing the chance to ever have a family of my own. I guess that's lucky, they said? But… if it's spread…"

Tim swallows hard, his eyes never leaving hers as she speaks.

He can see the tears in her eyes. She's stubbornly refusing to let them fall, because she's one of the strongest women he's ever known, but he sees them and he hates what they represent.

"If it's spread I'm just really, really fucked."

OR

Emergency Room AU from 1x11 — Lucy is sick

Notes:

(See the end of the work fornotes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

February 3rd, 2020

Tim's heart is beating out of his chest as he walks through the halls of the hospital with purpose.

He'd left fortwo hours.

Two hours.

Twofuckinghours.

And he knows, logically, that nothing would have changed even if hehadbeen here. He couldn't have stopped this. He couldn't have changed anything.

But he feels like he should havebeen here.

He grips the edge of the door and uses it to propel himself into Lucy's hospital room, and he's never been more thankful for the badge or the uniform before, because not a single nurse or doctor had stopped him or even questioned why he was here.

Lucy sees him, and thelookin his eyes, and she knows that he knows.

"Hey," she whispers, and she's been admitted, Tim can tell, because she's in a gown and there's a paper bracelet on her wrist.

Tim doesn't speak.

Hecan'tspeak.

"So, um, they said I'm lucky I came in when I did, so… I guess that some good came out of that damn needle. And… well, they've admitted me for more testing. They said that if it's confined to my uterus then they can just do surgery and I'll befine.You know, other than losing the chance to ever have a family of my own. I guess that's lucky, they said? But… if it's spread…"

Tom swallows hard, his eyes never leaving hers as she speaks.

He can see the tears in her eyes. She's stubbornly refusing to let them fall, because she's one of the strongest women he's ever known, but he sees them and he hates what they represent.

"If it's spread then I'm just really, really fucked."

Tim stares at her blankly for a long time, and when he finallydoesspeak, his voice cracks.

"Lucy."

And Lucy's chest hurts because he can't say her name like that.

Hecan't.

He can't call her Lucy in that tone of voice, or she's going to lose what little self control she has left.

She needs to be Officer Chen or evenBootright now. She needs Tim to be her TO, her superior, and not …this.

"I'll be out for at least the week," she says, voice small. "For testing and… well, whichever direction we decide to go treatment wise. If it's surgery I'll be out longer and I won't graduate from the rookie program with Nolan and Jackson."

Tim knows what she's trying to do.

She's trying to focus on work, on anythingbutwhat's happening to herself, but he can't shake himself out of it. He can't think of anything except the words Jackson had messaged him before being called away.

Uterine cancer.

"Lucy," he whispers again, and he finally peels his fingers off of the door frame and walks closer, stopping a few feet from her bed. "Fuck the rookie program. All that matters…allthat matters now is you getting healthy. The program isn't going anywhere. I'll… I'll still be here, waiting with the Tim Tests and everything else you hate about being my boot. When you're healthy, you can come right back, and we'll finish your training."

When.

God, he hopes it'swhen.

Lucy smiles and shrugs (and shewantsto believe him, she does, she's just not sure she can. She's not sure she's making it out of this one).

Sheplays with the edge of the coarse hospital blanket, and Tim immediately wants to bring her a softer blanket, because she's going to be here a while and she should be comfortable, damn it.

"Uh, I can bring you some things," he says, because he would bet his entire life savings that Lucy has a plethora of soft, cozy blankets at her apartment. He can grab one and some clothes and other comfort items for her.

"OK," Lucy whispers, and she doesn't even think about how it would be much less weird to have Jackson or Nolan grab her things. "I mean, yeah, that would be nice. I'm probably not leaving here for a while."

Tim nods and he wants to step even closer to her, to comfort her in some way, when there's a knock at her door.

"Hey, Ms. Chen. It's time to take you to CT and MRI. You ready?"

Lucy turns to Tim, terror in her eyes, but nods.

"Yeah, sure," she whispers, and the nurse smiles as she walks around Lucy's bed, disconnecting her IV and monitors, tucking the wires into the top of the bed before kicking a lever to release the brakes.

"This will take a while," the nurse cautions Tim, and he nods, resting his hands on his utility belt.

"I can go and get your stuff, Lucy. Anything … anything specific that you want from your place?"

Lucy shrugs and shakes her head, and Tim can see how truly terrified she is even though she's doing her best to hide it.

"Thanks," she whispers, and Tim nods, stepping out of the way as the nurse wheels Lucy out of the room.

He watches as long as he can, but they eventually disappear around a corner, and Tim is left alone in the empty hospital room, feeling more terrified and scared than he has been since the night Isabel left.

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 3rd, 2020

Tim has a string of text messages before he even reaches Lucy's apartment, and he smiles as each one comes through, because Lucy may have just been handed the worst news of her life but he can still hear her voice and see her personality in every text.

Do not judge me, Bradford… but there's a stuffed dog under my pillow. Can you grab him for me?

Tim shakes his head and snorts in laughter; he knows he's going to grab the dogandgive her shit for it, if only to see her smile.

And the pillow, too. These hospital pillows suck.

And my blanket, the patchwork quilt.

And my slippers.

Doc says surgery is looking likely; he'll give more details when he rounds later. I'm going to be here for a while.

Fuck it, just Facetime me when you get there.

Tim shakes his head as he stares at the messages, amused, but his amusement slowly fades as he rememberswhyhe's going to Lucy's apartment to grab her things.

Cancer.

Tim takes in a shuddering breath and runs his hand through his hair.

Fuck.

Fuckingcancer.

He tries to imagine Lucy wasting away from treatment, losing her hair and growing thin like he's seen happen to other cancer patients, and it's justwrong. Imagining Lucy without her long, beautiful hair and her soft curves iswrong, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

"Pull yourself together, Bradford," he mumbles to himself as he uses the spare key Lucy had given him to open her apartment. He walks inside, closing the door gently behind him, and looks around.

It's small and cozy, clearly lived in but notdirty. There are shoes by the door and there's a blanket thrown over the back of the couch. There are dishes in the sink and a towel hanging over the back of a kitchen chair, and Tim finds himself smiling again because he's always imagined that Lucy was a little chaotic. She's the best rookie he's ever had (not that he'll be telling her that anytime soon), and she's borderline genius, but she has a chaotic energy about her and he'dguessedthat her place wouldn't be as immaculate and put together as his.

He walks into her bedroom and snorts at the way her bed is a fuckingdisaster, and then he sobers again because when she'd left her bed this morning she had probably planned on coming home to it again tonight, and not… whenever the hospital decides to let her leave.

Ifshe gets to leave.

No, fuck that, Tim thinks, and he grabs his phone to dial Lucy as he walks aimlessly around her room.

Shewillbe getting out of the hospital.

Shewillbe beating the shit out of this cancer and coming home, damn it.

"Hey,"Lucy answers, and Tim looks at the screen, smiling when he sees her.

Shelooksso healthy. Her skin is glowing and her eyes are bright, and it just doesn't seem possible that she hascancer.

"Hi," he says, and his voice is hoarse. He clears his throat and tries again. "Do you have a bag I can put all of this shit in? God, you have a lot of stuff, Chen."

Lucy laughs and nods, and then guides him to her closet. There's a few bags as well as a small suitcase on the top shelf, and he pulls them all down and lays them on her disaster of a bed. He uses one of the gym bags to pack her pillows, blanket, and stuffed dog in (making sure to raise his eyebrow at her over FaceTime as he does), and then opens the other small bag and walks into the bathroom.

"Holy shit," he says, because her counter is a fuckingexplosionof products.

Lucy winces."Tomorrow was supposed to be cleaning day. I… I'm off tomorrow. Or, I was."

Tim swallows and nods, and is remindedagainthat she won't be coming home for a long time.

"Yeah. So… what do you need?"

Lucy guides him through grabbing her shampoo and conditioner, as well as her leave-in conditioner and hair spray, grumbling the whole time about how the hospital shampoo willdestroyher hair. Tim puts them in the bag without making any comments, and then grabs her body wash as well, sniffing it as he puts it in the bag.

Lucy notices and raises her eyebrow, and Tim rolls his eyes.

"It… you always smell like strawberries, OK? I thought it might be this crap."

Lucy laughs and shakes her head. "No, it's the shampoo. Do you like it, Bradford?"

Tim rolls his eyes again and doesn't respond. Hedoeslike it, but she doesn't need to know that.

"What else?"

Tim finishes in the bathroom, and he absolutelydoes notblush when he puts Lucy's tampons and birth control in the bag, and then tosses it on the bed with the other as he opens the suitcase.

"Underwear and socks,"Lucy begins, not meeting Tim's eye on the screen, and really, she should have asked Nolan or Jackson to do this.

Timwill be pawing around in herunderwear drawer.

Oh, God.

Tim opens the top drawer of her dresser and is met with pastel colors, soft cotton, and more lace than he'd imagined she could possibly be hiding under her uniform pants.

"Uh," he says, and Lucy winces on the other end.

He doesn't know how to ask which ones she wants. Surely she wants comfortable panties, he thinks. She's going to be in thehospital. He imagines the cotton ones are the most comfortable, and holds up a pair questioningly, trying desperately (and failing spectacularly) not to blush as his eyes flicker between the phone screen and the pale pink panties in his hand.

"These ones? They… uh, comfortable."

Tim pauses and clears his throat, and Lucy laughs at him, just a little bit.

"Yeah, grab all the cotton boy shorts please. And my sports bras. And like,allof the fuzzy socks. My feet are so cold. It's so cold here."

Tim does, his heart rate slowly calming as packs the socks carefully on top of the panties. He clears his throat again and pulls open the second drawer, which is full of soft looking t-shirts and tank tops. Lucy walks him though which ones to pack, and then directs him to the drawer full of pajama pants and sweatpants. Tim zips the bag when he's done, and then turns in a circle around her bedroom.

He wants to bring her some things that will bring her comfort.

Hospitals are sosterile.

He remembers sitting beside Isabel's bed, waiting for her to wake up after she was shot, and it had all been so… blank and empty andimpersonal.

"What else can I bring you, Lucy?" he asks softly, and he refuses to look at the screen because his chest hurts and he's in danger of revealing too much. Of showing his feelings.

He's worked too long and too hard to build the image of the hard ass, no nonsense TO that he presents to his rookies (though he's afraid Lucy's already seen right through it).

Lucy shrugs on the other end, biting her lip.

"I don't know yet. Maybe a book to read? I don't know how long I'm going to be here or what it's going to be like. I just… I don't know, Tim."

Tim finally looks at the screen, and Lucy lookslost. She has been strong all day, he knows, from when she was first stabbed by the needle until now, when she'd been told that surgery was looking likely and her future was uncertain, and he can see that she's beginning to slowly unravel.

"OK," he says, and he nods, heading toward her bookshelf. He glances through the titles, letting his fingers run over their spines until he finally settles on a well worn book. He knows she must read it often, because the spine is cracking and the pages are bent, earmarked on her favorite poems. He cracks the cover and it falls open to a page with her messy handwriting all over it, surrounding the poem on the page.

Tim smiles and holds it up (because it's averyLucy book, he thinks), and Lucy's eyes widen in surprise as she takes it in.

The Greatest Love Poems of All Time.

"Yes, please,"Lucy whispers, and Tim packs it carefully on top of her clothes before he zips the suitcase.

"I'll see you soon," he says, and Lucy smiles and nods before hanging up.

Tim loads his car, climbs into the driver's seat, and takes a deep, steadying breath before heading back toward the hospital.

He arrives just as Lucy's doctor is rounding, and the nurse looks at Tim for one long moment before turning to Lucy.

"Do you want him here while Dr. Maddon talks to you?"

Lucy bites her lip but nods, and Tim settles into the chair beside her bed nervously. He's changed into civilian clothes, at least, and was granted the rest of the day off by Grey, but he still feels out of place and awkward as the doctor smiles at Lucy and reaches out to grip her shoulder comfortingly.

"Test results are in, Lucy, and I'm afraid it's… not what we wanted to see."

Tim can see the way Lucy deflates and he feels an inexplicable anger well up within him.

How is thisfair?

Whyher?

The doctor continues without pause, unaware of (or just numb to) the way Lucy's breath catches and her eyes fill up with tears. "We're officially diagnosing you with stage 4A Uterine Sarcoma. I'm afraid that, based on the MRI and CT scans, the cancer has spread to your bladder, kidneys, and some lymph nodes. We're recommending a full hysterectomy followed by an intensive schedule of radiation and chemotherapy."

Lucy just nods numbly, and Tim can see that she's beginning to shake. She turns to look at him, and a single tear slips free from her eye and trails slowly down her cheek.

The doctor smiles sympathetically, perching on the edge of the bed and meeting Lucy's eye.

"We're not giving up on you, Lucy," he says softly, reaching out and covering one of her hands with his own. "Wewould like totransfer you to the Duke Cancer Center in Durham, North Carolina when we're done with surgery, however. It's one of the top cancer centers in the United States. Unfortunately we are not equipped to deal with your current diagnosis here. We'll perform the surgery and remove the tumor as well as your uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and any other affected tissue that we can, and then we'll confer with Duke and come up with a treatment plan that we can start here while you're healing before we transfer you."

"OK," Lucy whispers, and a second and then a third tear slip free from her eyes. "How. Um,howdid I not notice that I was this sick?"

Dr. Maddon shrugs and sighs, smiling sadly. "The symptoms of Uterine Sarcoma can be subtle, including light bleeding between periods, having to urinate often, bloating and cramping. Honestly these are symptoms many women deal with while on their periods anyway, so they don't think much of it. It just happens sometimes, and we wish we could have caught it sooner, but you're lucky you came in today. One of our technicians flagged your blood test as containing suspicious cells, thank goodness, or we may not have caught this until much later. But you're here now and we're going to do everything we can to help you."

Lucy nods again and then takes a shaking breath in.

"Thank you," she whispers, and Dr. Maddon nods as he stands and takes her chart back in his hands.

"I'll let you rest. We're trying to get you in for surgery as soon as possible, so you're going NPO. No food or water until we tell you otherwise. I'll have one of the nurses keep you updated."

Lucy nods again and stares blankly down at her hands as the tears slip slowly down her cheeks.

Tim's chest hurts, and he doesn't know what to say, but he feels like he should saysomething.

He wishes Jackson or Nolan were here, but since they're working with their own TOs, they haven't been able to get away.

Sohe'shere, and he knows he's not the person Lucy wants. He's ill equipped to deal with this, and he's terrible atfeelingsand being comforting.

He opens his mouth to try, anyway, because Lucy is falling to pieces in front of him and he can'tnot, but Lucy cuts him off, shaking her head as she runs her fingers compulsively over the quilt Tim had brought her.

"I don't want to talk about it," she says, and Tim nods.

He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he shouldstay, or if he shouldleave. He doesn't know how to be what she needs in this moment, and he hates how uncomfortable and out of place he feels. He hates how he wants torun, to get as far away as he possibly can from the uncomfortable, painful feelings filling up his chest.

"Can you read to me?"

Tim looks up in surprise at Lucy's quiet request, but he nods slowly as he turns to face the book he'd set on the nightstand.

He can do that.

He canread.

And maybe it'll help her in some small way.

"OK," he whispers, and he grabs the book, letting it fall open to one of the most-read pages, and smiles as he begins reading the words, his voice soft and quiet in the darkness of the room.

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
Remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

He reads and reads until Lucy's eyes flutter closed, and when she falls asleep, he finally lets a single tear slip free from his own eye.

Notes:

Poem is "If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda

Whatever you do, don't look up the survival rate for stage 4 Uterine Sarcoma.

That being said, make sure to check out the tags. There WILL NOT be major character death in this. It will be angsty, yes, but I promise a happy ending. ️️ ️️

Chapter 3

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 3rd, 2020

Tim leaves once visiting hours are over, but instead of going home, he sits in his truck and calls Angela.

He needs his best friend right now.

"Hey, Tim,"Angela answers, and Tim realizes that she must have already heard the news about Lucy, because she normally calls himBradfordwhen she answers the phone.

Her tone is soft and concerned, and Tim sighs.

"So you know," he says, and Angela makes an affirmative noise on the other end.

"I don't know everything, but Jackson filled me in. He's been a mess all day. How is she doing?"

Tim shrugs, but then realizes that Angela can't see him. "Not well. She managed to stay upbeat most of the day, but then her doctor came in and gave her some… well, some really shitty news. Stage 4, Angela. I googled it.Fuck, I shouldn't have googled it."

Tim's voice cracks as he drops his head to the steering wheel.

"Oh, Tim,"Angela whispers, her voice soft."I'm sorry."

"It gets worse," Tim continues, and maybe it's because he's been repressing his feelings for so long (his feelings about Isabel, his feelings about being alone, the anger, the heartbreak,everything), but he can't keep the emotion out of his voice now. "They're doing a complete hysterectomy and then transferring her toNorth Carolina.North Carolina, thousands of miles away from her home, from her family and friends, to go through this alone when there's only a thirty-six percent chance of survival.Thirty six fucking percent,Ang. And she's going to bealone."

Angela is silent on the other end for several long moments, and Tim knows that she's just as upset as he is.

They try not to let them, but the rookies always find a way under their skin, and Lucy especially has endeared herself to all of the TOs. The way she smiles and bounces on her toes when she is excited, howhardshe works and how determined she is to help people.

Tim knows that Angela cares just as much as he does.

"She doesn't have to be alone," she finally says, and Tim makes a confused noise.

"From what she's told me, her parents don't give enough of a shit to fly down there and be with her. She has no siblings and no husband or boyfriend. She'sgoing to bealone."

There's silence again, as if Angela is weighing whether or not she should say something.

In the end she does, because she's never censored herself and she doesn't plan on starting now.

"You could go with her, Tim."

Tim scoffs, immediately rejecting the idea, becauseno he can not.He can't travel all the way across the United States to hold his rookie's hand while she goes through treatment.

Even if hewantsto, a little bit.

"No, I can't. I have a job, and Isabel, and —"

"Isabel is in rehab, Tim, and is going to be for a long time. And… well, maybe the space will help. Maybe it'll give you some perspective on your relationship with her and what you want now that you've gotten her the help she needs."

Tim tries not to bristle, because Angela doesn'tunderstand.She doesn'tknow.She doesn't … he can'tleaveIsabel, not when she's like this. He'll be there for her until she's out of rehab, and then…

(He's already made a decision, he knows, but he's not willing to admit it out loud to himself yet).

"I can't."

"Just think about it. Go home and think about it tonight, Tim. You know Nolan and Jackson would go in a heartbeat if they could, and they may still, anyway, regardless of the fact that they won't graduate if they leave now. If they know she's alone, well…"

Damn Angela for guilt tripping him, he thinks, because Nolan and Jackson absolutelywilldrop from the program to be with Lucy if they know she's alone thousands of miles away from everyone who cares about her.

He wants to sayI can'tagain, but… well, it's not entirely true.

Hecan,technically.

He has literally hundreds of sick days saved. He doesn't have a wife (not really, anymore) or kids or even a dog. He has his job and that's it.

So… hecould.

"I'll think about it," he says quietly. "I just…fuckthis is so unfair, Angela. She's so young. She has so muchsparkand she's so determined to be a cop, and she's would be a fuckinggood one. She's going to be one of the best damn cops this city has ever seen.Why her?"

Angela sighs deeply on the other end of the phone."I don't know, Tim. Sometimes shitty things happen to good people. But she sure could use someone in her corner."

Tim nods, because heknows that. He knows that she needs someone, but he's just her TO.

"She needs someoneother thanme. Someonebetterthan me," he says, and he knows it's true, but he might be the best option.

The only option.

"Tim Bradford,"Angela says, and her voice has taken on a hard, lecturing tone, and Tim winces because her future kids are never going to get away withanything."You are a good man. You put on this tough, hardass image, but you have a heart of gold. You let what happened with Isabel harden you, but you used to smile. You used to goof around and laugh and there was a light in you that's just…missingnow. Let some of that show. If… if you go with her, you won't be going as her TO. You'll be going as herfriend. And she sure could use a friend right now."

Tim's chest hurts because he knows she's right.

He used tosmileandlaugh. He wasn't the man that he is now — angry and bitter andalone.

He doesn't respond, because he doesn't knowhow.

Angela fills the silence that he can't, however, because she's a good friend.

"Lucy is not Officer Chen anymore. Not for a long time… and maybe not ever again. She's not your Boot. She's just… Lucy. And I think you should go with her. Get to know who she is outside of being a rookie and support her."

"But what if she dies?" Tim asks, and the wordshurtcoming from his lips. His chest aches and his heart throbs painfully at the merethought. "Ang, I can't… I don't know if I can watch that happen. I've lost… too many damn people. I don't know if I can watch her die."

"Well Lucy sure as shit is going to have a harder time with it thanyouare. And hey, Lucy is tenacious. She's gonna beat this thing, Tim. She is."

"She doesn't have any quit in her," Tim murmurs, and Angela laughs softly in agreement.

"No, she doesn't. So, Tim, go home. Sleep on it. Go see her in the morning before coming to work, and try to see her as Lucy and not Officer Chen, OK?"

Tim nods and swallows hard.

"OK. I can do that."

"Good. And call me if you need anything. I'll be trying to keep Jackson from breaking down, so I'll have my hands full, but I'm sure he'd appreciate the updates too. I know he had a rough start, but he's going to be a great cop, too. I don't want him to drop out now."

Tim nods and puts his car in gear, easing it onto the dark street as he talks.

"Thanks, Ang. For listening. I'll… I'll call you tomorrow."

"All right. Goodnight, Tim," Angela says gently, and Tim nods and swallows as he hangs up.

He has some thinking to do.

February 4th, 2020

Lucy texts him at 6 in the morning as part of a group text, and then follows it up with an individual text.

To: John Nolan, Jackson West, Tim Bradford
Surgery this AM. I'm going in around 9. Wish me luck!

Then, to Tim:

Thanks for staying until I fell asleep last night. I wasn't in a good headspace after … the news.

Tim stares at the message while sitting at his table in sweatpants and nothing else. He hadn't sleptat allthe night before, and he isexhausted.He's staring blankly into his cup of coffee, still not quite able to believe that this is happening. That his boot has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. That she's having surgery and then being transferred across the country.

That he's consideringgoing with her.

You're welcome, he says, simple and to the point, and then he sighs as he remembers Angela's words.

Try and see her as Lucy, and not Officer Chen.

What would he text afriendin this situation?

I'm gonna hang out while you're in surgery.

Because he is. He's going to drop by the station to talk to Grey, and then head to the hospital, because, as usual, Angela is right.

No one else is there to wait for her while she's under, and he may not be thebestchoice, but he's not going to fucking leave her all alone after major surgery.

You don't have to do that, Lucy responds, and Tim smiles because of course she's trying to be strong right now.I know you have to go into work.

I don't do anything I don't want to do, Officer Chen,he types, and then backspaces, becauseLucy.

She'sLucyright now.

He retypes, and then sends the message.

I don't do anything I don't want to, Lucy. I'm going to hang out and make you watch terrible movies with me once you're out of surgery. If they'll let you eat, what do you want?

Lucy takes a minute to respond, and Tim is briefly worried that he's overstepped.

(He'll blame Angela, if that's the case).

A veggie burger with extra pickles,she sends back. And then,thank you, Tim.

Tim doesn't respond with anything other than a thumbs up, because he's not sure how to, and also he needs to get moving if he's going to make it to the hospital before she goes in for surgery.

Tim nearly turns around (oractuallyturns around) no less than ten times on his way into Sergeant Grey's office.

He's nervous about what he's about to do.

It'snot like him.

Or, it's not like who he isnow.

The Tim of a few years ago, the Tim that was only broken in one or two ways, and not all the ways he's broken now, might have considered doing something like this without prompting.

The Tim he isnowis terrified of losing people, and what better way to make sure you don't lose someone than to never get close in the first place? If he doesn't let anyone in, if he doesn'tcareabout anyone… then he can't get hurt.

But… Angela is right.

(As always).

So, with a deep, steadying breath, Tim reaches out and knocks on Grey's office door.

Notes:

Writing season 1 Tim is hard, ya'll! I hope I'm making this believable, because he and Lucy aren't that close yet!

Chapter 4

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 4th, 202

Tim walks into the hospital with purpose, already knowing where he's going and how to get there. Even without the uniform, no one stops or questions him (he'd learned a long time ago that if you act like you belong, people rarely question it) and he's knocking on Lucy's door within minutes of arriving.

"Hey," he says softly, and Lucy turns to him.

There are tears in her eyes, and Tim hates that he doesn't know what to do to help her.

"Hi," she mumbles, wiping at her tears and trying to smile.

"You OK?"

She nods and sits up, dropping her hands into her lap, and for one long second it looks like she's managed to pull herself together. But then she sees the nurses waiting outside of her room and she breaks down again, crumpling into a ball and sobbing.

"Oh, Lucy," Tim murmurs, and he's notcompletelyuseless at comforting crying women. He's been married, and he grew up with a sister… he knows what to do in atheoreticalsense, he just hasn't had a chance topracticein a while.

When, though, if not now?

He walks forward and wraps his arms around Lucy as best as he can while she's sitting down, and he is not at all prepared for how she launches herself into his arms, holding tightly and tucking her head into his neck. With the way she's wrapped around him it's easier to sit on the bed beside her, and Lucy seems to have lost all sense of boundaries because she crawls into his lap and justsobs.

"It's gonna be OK," Tim murmurs, one hand in her hair as he holds her close to him. His heart is thundering in his chest, becauseoh godwhat is happening, but he knows better than to push her away.

"I c-can't have … I won't be a-able to have b-babies," Lucy stutters, and Tim's heart breaks for her.

They'd never talked about this kind of thing in the shop, because every time something personal came up he shut that shit downfast.He didn'tdopersonal with his rookies (though, like in most things, Lucy seemed to be an exception to the rule).

But he'd gone through the same sort of thing, when he'd lost Isabel.

His dreams and hopes for a family, the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence, had gone up in flames, and while heknowsit's not the same thing, it's enough that he can empathize.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and he rocks her back and forth, because whether or not having kids was something she hadplannedon, to suddenly lose the ability completely, theoption, had to bedevastating. "Have you talked to the doctor about that?" he asks, because he doesn't want to get her hopes up, but guys can freeze their sperm. Surely women can do the same thing with their eggs? Maybe they can do something like that for Lucy.Shewould never be able to carry her own baby, but she could use a surrogate, and Tim thinks she should at least have theoption.

Lucy shakes her head and sighs, resting her head on Tim's chest as she continues to cry quietly.

"You should ask about your options, just in case," he says, and Lucy nods again, though she doesn't seem hopeful. "Maybe they can… maybe they can freeze your eggs, or something. So you could have a kid in the future, if you wanted."

Lucy just sniffles, and Tim knows he's not going to get anything else out of her. Instead of trying, he just holds her until they come to take her for surgery, and when it doesn't look like Lucy is going to say anything, to ask about the possibility of harvesting her eggs, he sighs and does it for her.

That's why he's here, right? To support her and advocate for her?

(Because no one elsecanorwill, and she deserves to have someone).

He can do this.

He may not be able to do much, but he can dothis.

"Hey, doc," he says, and he pulls Dr. Maddon to the side as the nurse begins to unhook Lucy from her monitors. "Lucy was pretty upset this morning thinking about the fact that she won't be able to have children after this surgery, and I was wondering… if egg retrieval and freezing is an option? Like, for the future? Can that be done prior to or after the surgery?"

Dr. Maddon offers Tim a small smile and nods, and Tim deflates in relief, because at least that'sone thingLucy may not lose.

"Yes, as long as the ovaries and eggs are still in good enough condition. I can't guarantee we'll be able to do much since we haven't had time to introduce the normal hormone therapy regime we do beforehand, but we can certainly try. We won't know until we get in there, but if that's something you and Ms. Chen would be interested in, we can discuss it before she goes under. She won't be able to carry, but you can always use your sperm to fertilize the egg and then use a surrogate."

Tim stares at Dr. Maddon in shock for several moments, processing his words, and then stutters to correct him, blushing as he explains.

"No! I'm not…we'renot… I'm just afriend.But she was upset and I just wanted to see if … um. That could, you know, happen."

"Oh, I apologize for assuming," Dr. Maddon whispers, shaking his head. "She's had several other visitors, but you seemed… different. Anyway, yes, we can discuss Ms. Chen's options before she goes under, and if it's something she wants to do, we can collect as many healthy eggs as possible before removal."

Tim nods and clears his throat, trying to will the blush off of his face before he turns back to Lucy.

She looks up at him with wet eyes, and he smiles, walking over to her and putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Dr. Maddon is going to talk to you about freezing your… uh, eggs," he says, and the damn blush is back.

He's talking about hisrookie's eggs,and it'sweird, OK?

"Thanks," Lucy murmurs, and she lets out a large sigh, relaxing back into her pillows as the nurse releases the brake and begins pushing her bed toward the door. "I don't know if that's something I want or… you know, if I'll ever be healthy enough, but… I'd like the option."

"And you should have it," Tim reassures her, and then he stuffs his hands in his pockets as he steps out of the way. "I'll be here when you get out of surgery."

"Thank you," Lucy murmurs, and she holds his gaze until her bed is turned and pushed down the hallway, leaving Tim alone in the dim, empty hospital room.

He drops down in the chair beside where her bed was, and sighs, pulling out his phone.

All he can do now is wait.

He texts Angela, Nolan, and Jackson, and then he runs out of things to do.

To: Angela Lopez, John Nolan, and Jackson West
Tim: They took her back for surgery.

Angela pops on the group chat immediately and renames it"You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford"and Tim rolls his eyes at his friend as she changes the icon to a picture of Lucy, Nolan, and Jackson smiling while standing outside the food truck they frequent for lunch.

Tim doesn't remember Angela taking the picture, but it's a good one, and Lucy lookshappyin it.

I will,he responds, and he's about to switch apps to continue researching things that are only going to depress him when Nolan responds, and then Jackson in quick succession.

Nolan: Thank you. For being there for her. Her parents are… not supportive. And Jackson and I can't take off without, you know, failing the program. So thanks.

Jackson: We'll come by after shift.What do you guys want for dinner? We'll go anywhere you want.

Tim remembers Lucy's request and smiles as he types.

Tim: Lucy wants a veggie burger, extra pickles. I'll just take whatever. Burger and fries. I'm not picky.

Jackson:

Nolan: See you later. Let us know when she's out of surgery. Send videos if she does anything funny.

Angela: Oooh yes. And call me if you need to talk, Tim.

Tim: I will, I promise. Now go be actual police, please, and leave me alone.

Angela:

Angela: Love you, Bradford.

Tim: You're like the older sister I never wanted. Shoo.

He imagines Angela cackling in the shop and then switches apps from his messages to Google Chrome, and then pauses before typing inhow to help someone with cancer,because honestly, he can use all the advice and help he can get at this point.

Lucy is rolled back into the room less than two hours later, loopy and out of it but conscious and smiling.

"They gave you thegooddrugs, huh?" Tim asks, raising an eyebrow, and Lucy giggles and nods.

"Yeahhhhh," she sighs, and Tim chuckles as he pulls out his phone.

"Smile. The group chat wants proof you're back."

Lucy makes a face that Timthinksis supposed to be a smile, and she adds in a thumbs up for good measure as he snaps a photo and then scrolls to the group chat.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Tim: [image] She's out. They gave her the good drugs. What should we watch while high on pain meds?

Nolan: Something mindless and easy to follow. It's hard to focus on anything while you're in the hospital. Too many people coming in and out, too many meds.

Tim stares at Nolan's surprisingly thoughtful reply and wonders if he has experience, but he doesn't ask.

Jackson: Either food porn or True Crime. Trust me.

Tim raises an eyebrow and turns to look at Lucy. She's staring at the ceiling with a goofy grin on her face, and Tim chuckles as he locks his phone and sticks it in his pocket. He grabs the remote and pulls his chair as close to her bed as he can, propping his feet up on the edge of the plastic railing as he navigates to the TV Guide.

"Food porn or true crime?" he asks, and he has to admit Jackson was spot on with his suggestions. Lucy's eyes light up and she grabs the remote from him, glaring briefly at her IV as it gets in the way, and then scrolls up and then down, looking.

She lands on something calledChoppedand then sighs and settles back into her bed.

"Doing OK?" Tim asks, because she may be high on pain medication but he's sure she's still emotional, still reeling from everything that has happened in the past twenty-four hours.

"Better than I thought I would be," she admits, and then winces when she pulls on her stitches. "The incision is … really small, actually. Like three inches. It's amazing what they can do."

Tim hums, and he wants to ask to see it but he holds himself back.

It's not appropriate.

He's her…

Not her TO right now,he reminds himself firmly.

He's her friend.

He hopes, at least.

He wasn't exactly…niceto her, in the beginning, though they've come a long way since then. They're civil, evenfriendly,to each other, and Tim hopes that he hasn't ruined whatever chance he has to be more than just her training officer.

They lapse into silence as they watch people frantically cook with an insane basket's worth of ingredients, somehow turning it into edible and surprisingly good-looking food. By the end of the episode Tim isinvolved, more than he'd thought he'd be, and he grins as he turns to Lucy to tell herI told you so,because he'd correctly guessed the winning chef.

He closes his mouth without speaking when he sees her fast asleep, however, and he can't help the little smile that crosses his lips as he tucks her patchwork quilt more tightly around her, careful not to disturb her IV or the drain in her stomach or any of her other wires and tubes.

He takes a picture to send to the group chat, because he'd promised to keep them updated, and then leans back in his chair, sending it before he reaches for Lucy's poetry book.

Even though she's sleeping, he finds himself reading out loud, his voice soft and soothing, and he likes to think that hearing her favorite poems read out loud helps her sleep better.

He finds one that resonates with him, and he whispers the words into the stillness of the hospital room.

It is a miserable thing how
I cannot seem to fall in love
with myself. Selfish it may sound
coming from my own clumsy tongue,
but that is where the romance starts,
isn't it? Inside from one's own soul?
Rippling out from bones to every
piece of skin one has had trouble
falling in love with?

We have blemishes, we carry scars.
We are tarnished, tainted and decorated
with filth; but beneath the dust, the
dirt, there lives always diamonds,
and behind the cloudy night,
lives always, a sea of endless
stars.

Notes:

The poem is "Untitled" by Christopher Poindexter.

Chapter 5

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 11th, 2020

Angela Lopez has added Lucy Chen to the group chat: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford.

Lucy: Hey, all! Just wanted to update everyone and let you know that I'm feeling fine. The doctor said they're having a conference call with Duke today to begin my chemo while I'm waiting to be transferred. I'll likely be released on Valentine's Day, which… woo! Happy V-Day to ME!And then I'll take a domestic flight to NC to be admitted. I'm going to miss everyone.

Jackson: We'll come visit for sure, Lu. You won't be able to miss us too much.

Nolan: Right! We can come down for a few days whenever we have a stretch of time off. You'll be sick of us.

Angela: I'll come visit, too. We're all rooting for you. You can do this, babe!

Tim: I'm going with you.

"Wait what?"

Tim grins from where he's sitting in the chair across from Lucy's bed, shrugging as she stares at him in surprise and confusion.

"I'm not going to let you go through chemoaloneon the other side of the country, Lucy. I'm notcompletelyheartless."

Lucy stares at him, her eyes wide and her fingers frozen over the keyboard of her phone even as it continues dinging with new messages.

Tim glances down at his own phone and chuckles.

Nolan: Wait what.

Jackson: WTF. Really?

Jackson: I mean… you'vetorturedher for the past theee months. Should we trust her with you…?

Tim rolls his eyes and glances away from where Lucy is still too stunned to speak to respond.

Tim: Yes really. And I haven't beentorturingher, I've beentrainingher, Boot. And now I'm not, because she's out of the program until she's healthy. Also I would never hurt her.

Tim stares at the message, frowning, and then adds,

Tim: Dumbass.

"It's a valid question," Lucy finally says, and Tim glances back up to see that some of the surprise has worn off. "I complain about youa lot.They're probably concerned this is some master plot to murder me and hide the body."

Tim rolls his eyes again, which he finds he doesa lotaround these people.

"Training,Lucy. I wastrainingyou."

"Whatever you have to call it to help yourself sleep at night."

Tim gently kicks her foot with his where they're propped on her bed, shrugging and offering her a small smile. Lucy returns it, but she still looks… confused.

Conflicted.

"You're really coming with me?"

Tim nods. He'd made it official with Grey the day before, signing paperwork for an extended leave of absence. He's using his PTO then his sick days, and he thinks he'll have enough to see Lucy through her treatment, and if not, then maybe he, Angela, Nolan, and Jackson can work on a schedule to where she's not alone often, if ever.

"Why?"

And that… well, that one is a little harder to answer.

Tim frowns and crosses his arms over his chest, thinking.

"You shouldn't be alone," is what he lands on. "And Jackson and Nolan can't go with you, or they'll fail out of the training program. Angela can't because she has family and responsibilities here. ButIcan. I don't… Isabel is in rehab now. She'sfine, and anyway I'm… well, nevermind that. But Ican. I don't have anything holding me here except work, and I have so many sick days saved that HR routinely threatens me to take a few off."

Lucy nods, and sheunderstandswhat he's saying. But everything he's said is logistical — thehow, not thewhy.

"Butwhy? You… you don't evenlikeme."

Tim stiffens, and wonders if he's really been that… mean? Unapproachable? He's not sure what to call it. All he knows is that Lucy has seen him during the worst time of his life, and he wishes he hadn't come off so cold-hearted.

She's never known who he was before, and who he hopes to beafter.

"I don't hate you," he says softly. "I just… I had to keep a line there, because I was your TO, not yourfriend. But now I'm not, and I just don't think anyone should be alone during something like this. My mom…fuck, nevermind. Anyway, you're stuck with me."

He pauses and then frowns, because he won't ever do anything she doesn't want him to.

"Unless you'd rather I not. I won't… I won't come if you don't want me there."

Lucy shakes her head immediately, and Tim should probably be thelastperson she wants with her during her treatment, but he's… not? And it's surprising, a little bit.

"No, I want you there," she whispers, and then lets her gaze drop into her own lap. She plays with the edge of her quilt. "You're… a good man, Tim. Thank you."

Tim doesn't think he's a good man, at least not the man he isnow.

But he hopes that one day hewill beagain.

He wants to be the man he was before Isabel left. Before he closed himself off and became a shell of his former self. He's always been a little broken, he thinks. Broken because of how his dad had treated him, then the military, then losing hismother.

But he became something different, somethingdarker,after Isabel.

He doesn't want to be that man anymore.

"Read to me?" Lucy asks, and Tim wonders if she could sense the direction his thoughts were taking. He was frowning, retreating into himself, but at Lucy's request he perks up and nods, offering her a soft smile as he reaches for the book on the bedside table.

"What do you want to hear?"

Lucy sighs and melts back into the pillows of her bed, pulling her quilt up to her chin and turning to face Tim.

"You pick."

Tim flips through the pages before settling on one of the poems he had skipped over before.

"This one reminds me of you," he says, and he reads the words slowly, his voice low and soft.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Lucy prepares for her first round of chemo later that evening after Dr. Maddon consults with Duke, and Tim thinkshemight be more nervous than she is.

In the end, though, chemo is kind of anticlimactic.

The nurses help Lucy sit up in a large chair (careful not to irritate her healing incisions from surgery), and then they set up her IV and monitors in a circle around her. They draw blood and flush her IV line, and then hang a bag of medication beside her IV fluids. Lucy's favorite nurse, Ellie, double checks the rate of diffusion of the chemo and then pats Lucy on the shoulder.

"Your regimen is intense, hon. Each infusion will take around four hours, and you're likely to experience some side effects. We've given you something for nausea just in case, as it's one of the most common symptoms, but you can also expect to be tired and lethargic. Some other common side effects are a sore mouth, loss of appetite, throwing up, diarrhea, and of course the eventual loss of hair and increased chance of infection. You may also become anemic. We're starting off quite intensely, because of how far your cancer has developed, with daily chemo for two weeks, and then you'll have an off week before beginning again. Radiation will be 5 days a week but you won't start that until you get to Duke. It's important to tell us if you're having side effects so we can try and head them off each time."

"OK," Lucy whispers, and she's eying the slow drip of medication into her arm.

"Get comfortable. Have that beautiful boy of yours bring you snacks and books and things to do," Ellie says, winking, and Lucy blushes.

"He… he'snotmy boyfriend," she says, her eyes flickering toward where Tim is in her room's bathroom, rinsing her water cup and refilling it for her.

"Andwhy the fuck not?" Ellie asks, and Lucy can't help the laugh that startles out of her. "I would climb that manlike a tree."

"He was my boss, before this all started. He's married, but… well, it's complicated."

Ellie raises an eyebrow and watches as Tim walks back into the room.

"I would uncomplicate thatreal fast,"she whispers conspiratorially to Lucy, and Lucy blushes and looks away from the nurse as she reaches out and takes her cup from Tim.

He stares at them suspiciously, but Lucy just takes a long pull of water from the straw, avoiding his eyes.

"You can get up and walk around during treatment if you want," Ellie says, winking at Lucy again as she gracefully changes the topic of conversation. "Just make sure all the wires go with you. Take the whole IV pole. You're going to get bored before that's done. There's a courtyard you can hang out in to get some sunshine, or you can walk to the gift shop… whatever you want to do."

"Thank you," Tim says, and he smiles at the nurse before taking a seat next to Lucy. "We'll do that."

Ellie nods and then walks out of the room, promising to come check on them soon.

Lucy grabs her phone and takes a selfie while making a face at her IV pole, and Tim chuckles as she sends it to the group chat.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Lucy: [Image] Chemo round 1! #fuckcancer

Nolan: You're gonna beat this, Lucy! You're the strongest person I know. Also we're on our way and we come bearing veggie burgers!

Lucy: Extra pickles?

Jackson:Who do you think we are? Who went to get midnight burgers with you while studying at the academy? Who gave you all of their pickles formonthsbecause he hates them? THIS GUY.

Tim: If you got me a veggie burger I'm going to make sure Talia fails you on your next evaluation, Nolan.

Nolan: Rude.

Tim: I respect Lucy's life choices but I need meat.

Nolan: Yours is still mooing a little. You'll be fine.

Tim: Delicious.

Angela: You're all idiots. Lucy, is there anything else we can bring you?

Lucy: No, thank you. Tim has been an excellent go-fer. I have blankets, books, snacks, and a TV. I'm all set.

Angela: All right, then, we'll see you soon.

Notes:

I've dropped a little hint that helps explain why Tim is going cross country with Lucy! it won't come up for a few more chapters, but I wonder if anyone caught it…

Poem: "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou

Chapter 6

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 14th, 2020

By Valentine's Day (the day Lucy is being released from the hospital), Tim has made several decisions that he'ssureof, but that absolutely fuckingterrifyhim.

He's packed a suitcase and has it waiting in his car for when he drives himself and Lucy to the airport later that evening.

He's hired someone to come in and clean and dust his house, as well as mow the lawn bi-weekly, for the foreseeable future.

But, most terrifying of all, he's driven to the rehab facility that Isabel is at and has parked outside of it.

He hasn't been able to make himself get out of his car, however, though he knows he needs to. He'd called ahead to make sure that Isabel would be aware he was coming and would be waiting for him, but he can't make himself move. He's frozen, his heart pounding in his chest, and he almost turns around.

He almost leaves, but… hecan't.

He needs to square away this part of his life before he goes to North Carolina, because it won't be fair to himorto Isabel if he doesn't.

With a sigh, he opens the door, climbs out of his car, and runs a hand through his hair as he walks toward the entrance of the rehab clinic.

Isabel is there, waiting, and she looks likeherselfagain. She's beautiful, Tim thinks, and he wants to take her into his arms and hold her. He wants to kiss her and take her home and start over.

He wants things to be the way theywere.

But they never will be, and he's accepted that, but seeing her standing there,healthy, looking like the Isabel he fell in love with and married…

… it's fuckinghard.

It's harder than he thought it would be.

He forces himself to keep walking, though, to ascend the steps to the entrance of the clinic, and once he's in front of her, he can'tbreathe.

"Hey. I didn't think you'd come," she says, and her voice is soft and quiet. It brings back visceral memories of their time together. Of her in their kitchen, giggling as he teased her while she tried to cook. Of her in their bed, her voice a whisper as he made love to her. Of the way she laughed, the way she sang (so badly and off key), the way she whispered in his ear once that she wanted to start a family with him.

ButthatIsabel is gone.

"Yeah, I almost pulled a u-turn," Tim says, and he smiles as he shoves his hands into his pockets. "Twice."

"Glad you didn't," Isabel says, and she's staring at him with hope in her eyes.

In another world, maybe Tim would be able to take her back. Maybe he'd be able to pick her up from rehab when she was released, and then drive them both home and pick up where they'd left off.

But in this world… he can't.

"You look great," Tim says, because she does.

"For someone who got shot in the head," Isabel responds, running a hand self consciously through her hair.

"No, I-I mean you look likeyouagain. How are you feeling?"

Their conversation is stilted, not at all like they used to talk. It's not easy anymore. There's no teasing back and forth like they used to have.

What theyhadis broken, and it can't be put back together again.

"The beginning was really rough, but it would have been worse if I hadn't already gone through withdrawal in the hospital," Isabel whispers, and Tim nods, because yeah… he's seen people go through that before.

"I'm proud of you for seeing it through."

"You didn't think I would," Isabel guesses, and Tim shrugs.

"No. But I hoped I was wrong."

"Yeah, well, I thought about leaving every day."

"What made you stay?" he asks, and he's almost afraid of the answer. He's afraid —

"I found something I wanted more than a fix. For you to see me sober," Isabel whispers, and Tim swallows as he nods.

He was afraidof that.

He doesn't want her to do this forhim, he wants her to do it forherself, because… well, there isn't going to be ahimin the picture for much longer.

"Isabel," he whispers, and his heart is in his throat as he speaks.

It's one of the hardest things he's ever done, but he knows he has to do it.

He's known since he woke up in the middle of the night and she wasgone, if he's being honest with himself. Their relationship will never be the same again. It'll never be the easy, funthemthat it was before. They will always be haunted by the shadow of everything Isabel had said and done while she was high.

The space between them is filled with drugs, and other men, and the ghost of everything theycould have been.

"I came here to tell you that this is the end of us," Tim finally whispers, and he can hear Isabel's breath catch but he can't force himself to look at her. "I'm filing for a divorce."

"Tim," Isabel whispers, and her voice is pleading. "I… I got clean. We can be together again. I know I did … I know I made mistakes, but I'mcleannow and we can be together."

Tim shakes his head, and he takes a step back, because he needs the space. He needs the space between them to help her understand that this isit. He doesn't want to leave any uncertainty or hope, because there is none.

"No, Isabel. We can't. I will always love you, but we're on different paths now. I don't like the man I've become. I don't like who I am, who I became when you left me. We both need this. We need to go our separate ways, because what and who we were together is broken. I'm going to work on healing myself, on becoming the best man I can be… and you should do the same. You should start over, because I will always be a reminder of the lowest point in your life."

"Tim," Isabel says again, her voice soft and broken, and when he looks up he can see the tears in her eyes.

He wants to hold her, to comfort her, but he can't.

"Goodbye, Isabel," he whispers, and then he turns and leaves.

He walks toward his car, toward his future, and the further he gets away from the entrance of the rehab clinic, the lighter he feels.

He's closing a chapter in his life, and it feelsgood.

Lucy is released from the hospital with pain medication, a wheelchair, and strict instructions to check in to Duke the second their plane hits the ground.

"Good luck!" Ellie says, waving as Tim grips the handles of Lucy's chair. He's already taken all of her luggage to his car and put it with his in the backseat, and it's alot,but he doesn't know how long they're going to be in North Carolina. It's not like they can just pop over to her apartment if she needs anything.

"Thanks," Lucy whispers, and Tim looks down at her in concern.

"You OK?" he asks, because she's been tired and lethargic all day, and he doesn't like it.

She nods and sighs, letting her head loll against his arm as he pushes her wheelchair toward the elevator. She'd been told to use it as much as she possibly could, and had been banned from walking independently after falling down that morning while trying to get to the bathroom.

"Chemo sucks," she says, and Tim nods, becauseyes,itfucking does.

She's only had 3 days of chemo so far, and is scheduled for another infusion as soon as they arrive at Duke later that day, and it's kicking her ass. She is tired, sick to her stomach, and hasn't eaten anything more than jello and broth in two days. She's pale and weak and Tim knows it's only going to get worse, but it's hard to watch.

"I'm sorry," he says, because he is.

Lucy smiles up at him and then rests her cheek on his forearm, sighing and closing her eyes as Tim pushes her into the elevator.

"Rest," he tells her, and she nods.

She falls asleep before they even get to the parking lot, and Tim opens the car door, reclines her seat, and once he has her buckled in he tucks her patchwork quilt around her body, closing the door gently before loading her wheelchair into the backseat.

She sleeps on the way to the airport, and Tim hates to wake her up when they get there, but he sees Nolan, Jackson, Angela, and Talia all waiting by their gate.

He grins and nudges Lucy's arm.

She looks up at him in confusion, her eyes glazed and exhausted and her cheeks flushed, and Tim nods toward where their friends are waiting.

It takes Lucy a moment to process what she's seeing, but when she does she grins widely.

"Hey," she whispers, and she's suddenly surrounded. Nolan and Jackson crowd around her wheelchair, hugging and kissing her cheeks, talking in low tones and wishing her good luck.

Angela and Talia walk up to Tim and Angela shoves a basket into his arms.

"She looks terrible," she says without preamble, and Tim nods as he looks in the basket. It's full of snacks and activities, crossword puzzle books, card games, and gift cards. "The entire station went in together on this. We googled restaurants close to the hospital and bought gift cards, so you'll be set for a while. We also included a list of streaming services everyone was willing to share. They've made Lucy an account on all of them. Grey gave you Netflix, Smitty gave you Hulu and HBOMax. I chipped in Disney, and Nolan and Jackson bought subscriptions to Peacock and Amazon Prime. We also set up a wishlist on Amazon, there's information in there about it. If you guys need anything while at Duke, add it to the list and it'll be bought and sent to you in less than two days."

Tim stares at Angela in wonder. "Angela, this is…"

"We all love Lucy," Angela says softly, turning her gaze toward where Nolan, Jackson, and Lucy are wrapped up together in a group hug. "Thank youfor going with her. She shouldn't be alone for this.No oneshould be alone for this."

"I know," Tim says, and he swallows as he holds the basket tight to his chest. "I know. But I'm fucking terrified, Angela. I don't know how to do this."

Angela makes a soft, understanding noise, but shakes her head as she puts her hand on his arm. "Youdo, Tim. Just follow your instincts. BeTimand notOfficer Bradford. Comfort her, and hold her hand when she needs it. You're like a burnt marshmallow; you just have to let Lucy past the scorched exterior and let her see the gooey softness inside."

"That's gross," Tim says, frowning at her comparison, and Angela laughs.

"Whatever. Just… be kind. I know this is a huge sacrifice for you, and I'm so proud of you for doing it. Everyone at the station was shocked, honestly, but it's because they don't know you like I do. Just… call me whenever you need to talk, and if you need a break, I'll fly out and you can take some time off. But I think this will be good for you, too. To get some time away from Isabel and everything that's happened."

"I ended things with her," Tim whispers, and Angela looks briefly shocked but pulls herself together quickly. Tim continues, "I told her I'm filing for divorce. We… we can never be what we were, and I need to move on."

Angela makes a noise and then wraps her arms around Tim, holding him tightly, the basket squished awkwardly between them.

"I amso fucking proudof you, Tim," she whispers, because she had loved Isabel, too (they'd all been close until Isabel had disappeared) but she had watched her best friend turn into an angry, bitter version of himself, and she hadhatedit.

She's looking forward to seeing him heal.

She just hopes that what's happening with Lucy doesn't break him further.

She doesn't know how Tim will cope if … if Lucy doesn't make it.

She hugs Tim tighter, and then pulls back when she hears their flight called over the intercom.

"Text when you land," she whispers, and Tim nods, promising he will, before he walks over to Lucy and grips the handles of her wheelchair.

"Ready?" he asks, and Lucy nods as she waves back at her friends.

"Ready."

They're allowed to preboard the plane due to the wheelchair and Lucy's medical needs, and as they wait, Lucy pushes the poetry book into Tim's hands, her eyelids fluttering as she fights against sleep.

Tim cracks open the spine, letting it fall open to a random page, and then he begins to read, his soft voice drowning out the noise of the other passengers as they begin to board.

I'll throw
my voice into
the stars
and maybe the echo
of my words
will be written
for you in the clouds
by sunrise.
All I'm trying to say is,
I will love you
through the darkness.

Notes:

I'm on a roll with writing and I don't know when it'll end, but kudos and comments feed the muse.

Seriously though you guys are awesome. I love you like Tim loves Lucy.

Poem by Christopher Poindexter.

Chapter 7

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

February 14th, 2020

Lucy falls asleep on the plane ride, her head resting on Tim's shoulder. After briefly stiffening, Tim forces himself to relax, letting her use him as a pillow as they take off. She snores softly, and Tim finds himself just watching her. The medical mask she's wearing is slipping off of her face and he repositions it, eyeing the cabin full of people and their unknown germs that could infect her.

She hasn't been on Chemo long, but he knows that her immune system is down, and he doesn't want her to catch any bugs that will derail her treatment.

He just wants her toheal, to get healthy and to smile again.

He doesn't like seeing her like this.

He's used to being annoyed by her cheery attitude, by her sunshine and her positivity.

It's…wrong,almost, how weak and tired she is. The sparkle is gone from her eyes and she barely has the energy to do more than move in and out of her wheelchair. It's disconcerting, and Tim would do anything, he thinks, to have her sitting across from him in the shop again, sassing him and calling him out on his shit and helping him be a better person.

Lucy sighs and repositions in her sleep, her body curling closer to Tim, and he gives in, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and letting her lean more fully on him.

She sleeps for most of the flight, but right when the flight attendants are making their way to the front cabin, telling people to buckle their seatbelts as they prepare for landing, she wakes up with a start, her face green and her eyes panicked.

"Tim," she gasps, and Tim reacts immediately, unbuckling his seatbelt. He helps her position her body so she doesn't throw up in her own lap, and then tears the mask off of her face so that she doesn't throw up inside of it and choke.

The aisle of the airplane isn't much better, however, and he can see the disapproving and disgusted look of the other passengers as Lucy heaves, her whole body shaking.

"Sir," one of the flight attendants says, and she walks over quickly, handing Tim a paper waste bucket. He puts it under Lucy's chin and pats her back awkwardly as she continues to heave. It's mostly bile — she hasn't eaten anything significant in the past few days — and Tim winces in sympathy because he knows it must burn.

Lucy finally finishes and Tim awkwardly hands the bucket to the flight attendant. She looks at them with a kind smile, and Tim thanks her as he helps Lucy back into her seat. He buckles his own seatbelt before helping with hers, and then watches her carefully as they land.

She's not looking at him. Her eyes are trained firmly on her own lap, and Tim sighs, because he is so not good at this.

"Hey," he says gently, and Lucy makes a noise to indicate that she's heard him but doesn't look up. "It's OK, Lucy. It's not your fault."

She shrugs and sighs, leaning back against the seat and letting her eyes flicker to the mess on the floor.

"I should clean that up," she whispers, but Tim just shakes his head.

"Number one, we're landing and you're not allowed out of your seat, and number two, the flight attendants have protocols for this type of thing. They'll have to disinfect everything, so we may as well just let them do their jobs."

Lucy curls her legs up in her lap and then winces as they press against her incision.

"I'm already sick and tired of feeling this helpless," she breathes, and Tim wishes he knew what to say. He wishes he knew how to make her feel better, because it's notherfault that she has cancer, or that the chemo is wrecking her body.

But he doesn't, and so he doesn't say anything. He just sits there, eyes trained forward, and Lucy sits beside him, silent and stuck in her own thoughts.

Duke is a nice hospital, and Tim is relieved to see that the chairs in Lucy's new room lookmuchmore comfortable. Their day nurse, Dani, is grinning as she shows them all of the amenities.

"Everything here is wheelchair accessible, because a lot of our patients are too weak during treatment to get around normally. The bathroom is completely accessible as well, including the shower, so you can maintain some independence. The TV gets all of the streaming channels, you'll just have to log in, and this bench over here," she says, and she walks toward the bench under the window. "Turns into a bed, so you don't have to sleep in the chairs."

"Thank goodness," Tim whispers, because he's too fucking old for this. "Uh, so we've never been in the area, obviously, but I'll be looking for an apartment. Somewhere we can stay when Lucy's not inpatient. Any suggestions?"

The nurse makes a noise and her smile slips a little. "I… would be prepared for Lucy to be inpatientmostof the time, Mr. Bradford. Her chemo and radiation schedule is fairly intensive, and her immune system is going to be basically destroyed. We're prepared to put her in isolation as needed based on her white cell levels."

"First off," Tim says, becauseMr. Bradford, ugh. "Call me Tim. And… OK, we can deal with that. Whatever gets Lucy healthier faster. Whatever we need to do."

Dani smiles and walks back over to them as Tim begins to help Lucy into the bed. She'sexhaustedfrom getting off of the plane, the cab ride to the hospital, and the brief tour they'd been taken on, and Tim knows she's going to fall asleep immediately.

"Hey, Lucy," Dani says, and her voice is soft again. Tim wonders how she can do this job — how she can watch people suffer every single day and still have the positive attitude she does. "I know you're tired, hun. You can take a nap while we get ready for your chemo, all right?"

Lucy grumbles something, but she's already half asleep and Tim can't make out a word of what she's saying. He just smiles and nods and takes her quilt out of her suitcase, spreading it out over her. He knows that the nurses and doctors will be in and out setting her wires and IV up soon, and he hopes she can rest at least a little before the chaos begins.

Dani turns to Tim once Lucy's eyes close.

"We're going to take good care of her," she promises, and she smiles as she lays a hand on Tim's arm. "And you, too. Cancer can be just as hard on the family as it is on the patient."

Tim flushes and looks toward where Lucy is curled into the bed.

"I'm not… I'm just a friend. She doesn't have anyone else and I didn't want her to be alone."

Dani raises an eyebrow and glances back and forth between the two of them. "Right. Afriendwho flew all the way from California to North Carolina to stay with her during what's looking to be a 4 to 6 month long treatment plan. Afriendwho is looking at her likethat. OK. Let me know when you're done being in denial, hun."

Tim's mouth falls open and he wants to protest, but Dani is just grinning at him.

"Regardless. Being in the hospital for this long is going to wear on you. We're here to help, so let us know what we can do. How do you feel about lasagna?"

Tim frowns at her, utterly and completely confused. "Uh… generally positive, I think?"

Dani nods and pats him on the arm.

"Good. OK, you should get some rest, too. We'll be back in about an hour to take Lucy for her port placement procedure."

Tim thanks her and then sits down in the (much more comfortable) chair beside Lucy's bed. Dani grins and gives him a thumbs up, and Tim smiles before turning his attention back toward Lucy.

He leans back in the chair and closes his eyes, and before he knows it he's asleep, too.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Tim: They took her back to place a port. It'll make chemo easier and won't destroy her veins.

Angela: Good. How are you doing?

Tim: Fine. The room is much nicer. [Image] The bench turns into a bed so I don't have to sleep in the chairs.

Angela: Good. You're too old for that shit.

Nolan: Hey. If he's old I'm ancient.

Tim: You are.

Jackson: How is Lucy doing?

Tim: It's been a rough day. She's exhausted. I wish they would just let her sleep but they keep coming in to draw blood and take her vitalsandshe has a round of chemo tonight.

Angela: They're doing what's best for her. I know it's hard, but they have to go at this thing full throttle.

Tim: I know.

Jackson: We're all coming down next weekend. Grey worked it out so that Angela and I are off at the same time as Nolan and Talia. We have three days, so we're going to fly down and surprise her.

Tim: That'll be good. She's having a hard time keeping her spirits up.

Angela: Let us know when she's back from her procedure. We love you guys.

Tim: Thanks. I will.

Lucy comes back from her procedure still asleep, and Tim asks if they can start chemo without having to wake her up. They can and they do, and Tim breathes a sigh of relief when Lucy sleeps through her port being flushed and the chemo being hooked up.

"We'll start radiation tomorrow," Dani tells him. "It's going to get worse."

"OK," Tim says, because he's not sure what else to say.

"So,just a friend,how do you feel about cuddling?"

Tim turns to Dani and raises an eyebrow, because she's pretty and nice and all, but he's not interested. She just rolls her eyes at him and motions toward Lucy with her head.

"I meant withher, dumbass. There's a lot to be said for touch and the release of endorphins. If you're not comfortable with cuddling, maybe go down to the gift shop and get her a giant teddy bear or something, and order a weighted blanket on Amazon. They're comforting for a lot of our patients who are here alone. It helps them feel less lonely and more grounded, but if you're on board with the cuddling… we'll, everyone likes a good cuddle now and then."

"Uh," Tim says, and Dani laughs softly.

"Just think about it. The bed is plenty big. Chemo can make you feel really shitty, and any type of comfort is going to raise her spirits."

"OK," Tim says again, and he scoots closer to the bed so he can reach out and touch Lucy. Maybe he can hold her hand or something.

Baby steps.

"Weighted blanket," Dani reminds him, and then she pats him on the head as she exits the room.

Tim frowns and then grabs his phone, navigating to the Amazon app and finding a soft, light blue weighted blanket that he thinks Lucy will like. He adds it to the wish list Angela has set up, and he has a confirmation email that it's been ordered within the next twenty minutes.

He smiles at his phone, a little bit in awe of how thoroughly Lucy has the entire station eating out of her hands.

There's a note on the confirmation email, and Tim is surprised to see thatSergeant Greyis the one who had bought the blanket.

We're rooting for you, Officer Chen! Kick cancer's ass and come back to us. Your position will be waiting for you when you're healthy.

Tim sends a text message to Grey to thank him, and then puts his phone down, reaching for the poetry book he'd put on the nightstand.

He doesn't read out loud, but he does read to himself, bookmarking and dog-earing the poems that he thinks Lucy would like to hear.

He reads until the sun begins to go down outside, and falls asleep in the middle of a poem that makes him think of Lucy.

The only world
I wanted to know
was the color
painted inside
her eyelids.
The brown
sunset that fades
every time she
sleeps
and the brown
sunrise that
emerges every time
she awakes.

Notes:

I've been researching things that people might like while they're in the hospital long term, but if you have suggestions of what Tim & Lucy could add to the wish list, let me know! AND they don't just have to be things for Lucy. Tim's in for a rough time, too, and he could use a little love.

Poem bu (you guessed it) Christopher Poindexter.

Chapter 8

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 1 - February 21st, 2020

The first week at Duke passes in a blur of chemo, radiation, tears and pain. By the time Lucy's first 'off' week of chemo comes around, Tim is on edge and exhausted from being woken up at all hours by doctors, nurses, and Lucy feeling unwell. He's barely slept, and he'sfeltmore in the past week than he has since he woke up and Isabel was missing.

He's also never seen or dealt with so much pukein his life,but he can't find it in himself to complain, because he so clearly has the better end of this deal.

It's a shitty thing, Tim thinks, that the medication that might just save Lucy's life is the very thing making her so sick.

"Hey," Tim says softly, and Lucy startles from where she's staring out of the window. Tim had helped her move into one of the chairs and out of her bed, just for a change of scenery, and she's been staring at the sunshine and the birds and trees for what seems like hours.

"Hi," she whispers, and she offers him a small smile as he moves to sit in the chair beside her.

"I talked to Dani," he says. "I asked if we could go outside for a while this afternoon. She said it's fine for a little bit, but you'll have to wear a mask because your neutrophil count is so low. Want to go sit in the sun for a while?

Lucy perks up immediately (just like Tim was hoping she would) and nods.

"Fuck yes," she says, with feeling, and Tim laughs as he stands up to grab her wheelchair.

"Socks?"

Lucy nods, because she's always cold now, even though it's been unseasonably warm for February. She holds out her feet as Tim grabs a pair of the fuzzy, aloe infused socks that had arrived from Amazon the day prior and slips them gently, carefully onto her feet. Lucy smiles down at him, and marvels at the fact that he'shere,and he's doing these kinds of things for herwillingly. That he's taken a leave of absence from the job he loves so much just so that she doesn't have to go through this alone.

She remembers back to her first day on shift with him (how had it only been three months ago?) and she is absolutely blown away by how much he's changed.

He is the most repulsive man I've ever met, she'd thought after he'd pretended to be unable to speak Spanish for a Tim Test on their first day.

And then she'd met Isabel, and learned that he wasn'trepulsive, he washurting. Broken. In so much pain that he didn't know how to express it and so had chosenangerinstead.

She wonders then what he had been like before Isabel had left.

What kind of man had he beenbefore?

She thinks she's seeing glimpses of that man now, as he carefully smooths out any wrinkles in her socks so that they don't bug her. He helps her gently into the wheelchair, and then grabs her blanket off of the bed and folds it over her lap. He fusses a little more, draping one of his own hoodies over her shoulders, and then stands back, eyeing her critically.

Lucy smiles softly, and reaches out to take his hand.

"You're a good man, Tim Bradford," she whispers, and he startles but doesn't pull his hand away from hers.

He looks spooked, and Lucy's heartachesat how much he's been hurt.

"I know I didn't always think that, and I'm sure I've called you a fair number of uncomplimentary names, but you are a good man," she continues, and Tim smiles softly at her but still doesn't speak. He grabs the handles of her wheelchair and begins to push her out of the room, but before he can, Lucy pauses him and reaches for the book on the nightstand. Tim grabs it for her, and Lucy begins to thumb through the pages as he walks them slowly toward the elevator.

Shebegins to read tohimas they descend, and Tim feels his heart in his throat as he listens to her sweet, quiet voice fill all of the corners of the elevator and the parts of his heart he thought that he'd long ago closed off.

Some days I wake
up and think of all the
people before me and the fools
they were to ever let you
slip through their fingers.
They were such damn fools, you know?
They were the type of people to watch the rain
through their windows and
say "Don't you just love the rain."
I, on the other hand, was the only one
to watch it pour outside, take my shoes off,
and anxiously and bravely,
go dance madly in
you

Tim parks Lucy's wheelchair in the sunshine and steps on the brake so that she won't go anywhere she isn't supposed to. He sits next to her on a bench and drops his hands to his knees, rubbing his palms on the rough material of his jeans as he looks around the courtyard.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," Lucy says, and she's not looking at Tim but at the scenery, which is fine, he thinks, because these types of conversations are always hard for him.

"You didn't," he says, though she did, a little.

Lucy smiles and chuckles, and she knows him so well somehow. He'd tried so hard to keep her out, but she hadn't let him.

"Yes, I did. But I meant it."

Tim makes a noise but doesn't respond.

He knows she meant it, buthedoesn't believe it.

Not yet, at least.

He's still full of anger and bitterness. He's mad at Isabel for her choices, for breaking apart their marriage and then destroying their vows as she got high and slept with other men. He's bitter and closed off to the idea of love, because he'dhad itand then lost it, and fuck whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, because they were fuckingliars.

He thinks he would have rather never met Isabel in the first place than feel like he does now, and he knows that one day he'll be able to look back on the good parts of their time together and not just focus on the bad, but he's not there yet.

"I will be," he finally says, once Lucy has given up hope of him responding. She turns to him, a question in her eyes, and he smiles. "I will be a good man again, one day."

"You already are. You just can't see it yet," Lucy responds, and Tim nudges her knee with his, breaking their brief eye contact and sighing as he basks in the sun.

"I'm angry. All the time. I'm just… I'm so mad at her, you know?" he whispers, and Lucy reaches for his hand as he tells her things he never dreamed he would tell her in a million years.

It's amazing how fast things can change.

Ten days ago he was planning how best to torture (er… train) her, and now he is sitting beside her and telling her,willingly, some of his most closely guarded secrets.

"I know she was hurting, but I'm still somad. She told me that she felt this pressure to live up to my standards, but I neverhadstandards I wanted her to live up to. We were married fortwoyears, and she never once talked to me about it. She never once mentioned that she felt that way, so how was I supposed to know? I… I don't know if she's going to stay sober, because she's not ready to accept her part in getting hooked on drugs. She blames me, deep down. And I'm angry about that."

"It's OK to be mad," Lucy says simply, and Tim wants to scoff at her and make some crack about her psychology degree or her parents, but he bites his tongue, because he knows that his knee jerk reaction to brush off her concern is wrong.

"I know," he says instead. "Anyway. I just… I don't feel like I'm who I want to be, yet. But I'm getting there."

"OK," Lucy says simply, and she sighs as she turns her face toward the sun.

They're silent for several moments until their phones ding in unison, and Lucy smiles again as she reaches for hers.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Angela: One week at Duke! How's it going?!

Lucy motions for Tim to move closer, and he rolls his eyes good naturedly but does. She's taken no less than a dozen selfies of them to send to the group chat, and she eagerly snaps another to send to their friends.

Thus far, however, he's always made a vaguely disgruntled face at the camera, but today… today he smiles, because the sun is shining and the birds are singing and Lucy thinks he'sgood. Lucy, who has more reason than most to hate him, believes that he can be the man he wants to become.

Lucy: [Image] I feel like shit! But the sun is shining and we're outside, so it's an improvement over feeling like shitinside!

Jackson: I'm sorry you don't feel good, babe! We miss you.

Nolan: [Image] The paperwork misses you, too.

Jackson: Don't listen to him. He's just mad I finished mine before he did.

Lucy: I do not miss paperwork, but I have to say I'd take it over this. I get a break from chemo for the next five days, though, which will be nice!

Angela: That is nice. Tim? How are you doing?

Tim takes a moment to realize that Angela has addressed him in the chat directly because he's too busy staring at the picture of him and Lucy.

He'ssmiling.

He's smiling a real smile, the kind that makes his eyes crinkle and his cheeks dimple. He's staring at Lucy in the picture, at her brown waves of hair and her sparkling eyes. He's staring at her smile and marveling at how she can still manage to find happiness even when she's feeling so shitty.

His phone dings again and he looks down, grunting when he sees a message to just him from Angela. Not in the group chat. Which means…

I'm happy you're happy,she's texted, and Tim doesn't know how to respond but he knows she's seen the same thing he has.

She knew him before, and she knew him during, and she had noticed his smile, too.

He switches back to the group chat because he can't answer her individually right now.

Tim: I'm tired. No one warns you that the nurses come in every three fucking hours for vitals and blood draws. No one sleeps in the hospital. But… I'm OK. We've settled in and we keep busy. It's weird not being at work, though.

Angela: We miss you here, but you're more needed there.

Lucy: He puts my socks on for me.

Tim turns and glares at her, because fuck, now Angela hasmoreamunition.

Jackson: Awwww.

Nolan: So he DOES have a heart.

Lucy: I throw up a lot when I bend over so it's probably self preservation.

Tim: What she said.

Angela: Still. That's the cutest fucking thing I've heard all day.

Tim rolls his eyes and stuffs his phone into his pocket when no more messages are forthcoming. Lucy is still smiling, and Tim thinks that if getting outside lifts her spirits this much then he needs to plan an outing for them every single day.

She hasn't smiled this much since she first got the diagnosis.

An awkward hush falls over the courtyard once their friends stop texting, and Tim doesn't know how to fill it or evenwhyhe feels the need to, but he reaches for the book in Lucy's lap anyway.

It's become their thing, kind of.

They sometimes read love poetry to each other.

If he thinks about it too hard he begins to panic at thewhyof it all, so he just doesn't think about it. He flips through the well worn pages and settles on a poem that Lucy has dog-eared many, many times. He thinks that it must be one of her favorites, so he reads it to her under the bright, warm sunshine, and hopes that she'll have many more good days like this to come.

I admit,
I was afraid
to love.
Not just to love,
but to love her.
For she was a stunning
mystery. She carried things
deep inside her that no one
has yet to understand,
and I,
I was afraid to fall,
like the others.

She was the ocean
and I was just a boy
who loved the waves
but was completely
terrified to
swim.

Notes:

They're beginning to FEEL THINGS! ️

Chapter 9

Chapter Text

Week 1 - February 23rd, 2020

It takes everything inside of him to not spoil the surprise visit, but it's worth every second of biting his lip, Tim thinks, when Angela, Talia, Jackson, and Nolan walk into Lucy's hospital room and her eyes light up and a smile stretches across her weary face.

"Oh my god," she whispers, and then she's squealing happily as she's surrounded by Nolan and Jackson, both of them attempting to climb into the small hospital bed beside her and hug her. Tim watches with a smile on his face, and then jumps in surprise when Angela presses into his side.

"Shit," he gasps, and Angela laughs while Talia takes up position on his other side.

"You'resmiling."

"I do that sometimes."

Tim glares at her, but Angela isn't cowed.

"You haven't smiled like this in a long time, Tim, and you know it. She's good for you."

"She'sdying, Angela," Tim whispers, and his heart aches as he says the words. "I shouldn't behappy."

Angela makes a noise and reaches to take Tim's hand into her own.

"She's not dying, Tim. She'sfighting,and there's a difference. She's going to beat this thing. She's the strongest person I've ever known, and she's going to kick cancer's ass, and after she does…"

Tim wants to believe that therewill bean after, but he's watched as Lucy's gone downhill over the past week, as chemo and radiation have beaten her down, as her hair has slowly started to fall out and her smile has faded.

Yesterday in the sunshine had been better, but today there are storms and they've been cooped up inside all day. Tim has longed for the light, carefree look on Lucy's face from the day before, but no matter what he's tried she's continued to look defeated andtired.Poetry, food porn,andTrue Crime had all failed him this time, and he thinks he's going to have to step up his game to keep her smiling over the coming weeks.

He's glad their friends are here now, though, because the smile on her lips as Jackson kisses her on the cheek rivals the one from the warm sunshine of the day before.

"I hope you're right," he finally says, and Talia takes his other hand, squeezing it once before letting it drop.

"We're always right, Bradford. She's going to beat this."

Tim swallows and then walks toward the bed, sitting down in the chair that he's claimed as his and watching as Nolan and Jackson prop Lucy up between them and wrap a blanket around her.

"You look like shit," Jackson says, and Tim glares at the younger man. Lucy, however, just laughs.

"I feel like it, too, but it'sniceto have a break from the chemo."

"What are the doctors saying?" Nolan asks cautiously, and Lucy shrugs, turning to Tim, because she's been sleeping so much she's missed a lot of what they've said.

Tim runs a hand through his hair. "We don't know much yet. They're going to repeat the CT scans and blood work tomorrow, since she's had a full two weeks of chemo at this point. They don't expect to see alotof improvement, but they're hoping to seesomebefore starting the second round of chemo on Tuesday. We should know then if we're attacking it aggressively enough. If… if there'sgrowth, we have to re-evaluate the entire plan."

"There won't be," Angela says confidently, and Tim wants to believe her but he's been on pins and needles since the visit with her doctor that morning.

"I hope not," Lucy says, and she sighs as she leans into Nolan.

There's silence in the room for a moment, and Tim internally curses Nolan for bringing the mood down with his questions.

Jackson, however, breaks the silence when he jumps up and reaches for the bag he'd brought.

"We havegames," he says, and Lucy tries to peek into the bag as he shuffles around. He rearranges the little table that Lucy eats her meals on and pushes it toward the bed, setting it up between the chairs and the bed before dropping Monopoly down on it.

Lucy grins and Tim groans.

"Shit," he says, and Lucy cackles as she begins to set out the cards, money, and game pieces.

"You're going down, Bradford," she teases, and Tim shakes his head.

"We'll see about that, Chen," he responds, and Angela and Talia share a look behind his back as they banter.

It's like they've forgotten everyone else is in the room, and as they set the game up and give each other challenging, teasing looks, Angela thinks that Tim coming with Lucy was the best possible idea they could have had.

After Monopoly is played (and won byNolan, of all people), Lucy yawns widely and Talia gives the guys a pointed look.

"Let's go get lunch for everyone," she says, and Nolan and Jackson nod as they climb off of the bed. Tim refuses to move, and Talia rolls her eyes as she herds the others out. Angela plops down in the chair beside Tim and watches with raised eyebrows as he reaches for Lucy's poetry book and opens it.

He swallows self-consciously as he opens it to a poem he's never read before. He always reads to Lucy before she sleeps, but having anaudienceis new, and he feels unaccountablynervous.

He reads anyway, because this isn't abouthim,it's aboutLucy,and she finds comfort in listening to her favorite poems as she rests.

His voice is low and quiet in the dim room, and he can see Lucy's eyelids fluttering shut even as he begins.

I feel so defeated
sometimes because I can
only love her with my pieces.
For that is all I am:
A masquerade of something
whole, a collection of a
thousand, broken pieces.
That is all I will ever be.
And because of that,
I know that I am not
enough for her.
She deserves the sea
and I,
I can only give her a grain of salt.

"Tim."

"I don't want to talk about it," Tim says stiffly, and he gently closes the book and lays it on the nightstand. Lucy is sleeping, like she does so often these days, and he doesn't want to wake her and hedefinitelydoesn't want to talk about this.

If he talks about it, he'll have to explain himself, and he doesn't know that he can.

At least notyet.

"We don't have to," Angela says gently, and Tim frowns as he stares at anythingexceptAngela. "Just… I'm worried about you."

"Don't," Tim says, and he sighs as he runs a hand over his tired face. "I can't…"

Angela nods in understanding, because she knows how thoroughly he's been hurt, how completely Isabel broke his heart. She hopes he can heal from the wounds she inflicted upon him, and she hopes…

"What if she doesn't make it," Tim whispers, and Angela can hear the tiny crack in his voice as he speaks. She reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Ang, if she doesn't make it…fuck, I can't go through that again. I can't… I can't lose someone else."

Angela's about to open her mouth, to tell him that this isdifferent, this isn't like it was withIsabel,but Tim continues without pause.

"I loved Isabel. I loved her so much, and losing her turned me into an angry,bitterman. What … what will I become if I loseher,too?"

Angela opens her mouth, understanding flooding her body, and she feels her heart plummet andacheat the realization.

"You have feelings for Lucy."

Tim stiffens and shakes his head, becauseno,he doesn't.

Hecan't.

(He does, he thinks, and itterrifies him).

"No.No.I can't — Idon't. She's just a friend. But… Ang, I've lost so many people. My mom… I …fuck, I shouldn't have let myself get close to her. I shouldn't have let myselfcare. She was just my boot. That's it, that's all it was, and then… I fuckingcame herewith her and didn't want to care, Idon'twant to, but Idocare, and it's going to fuckinghurt—"

Angela cuts him off, because he's getting worked up, his heart beating wildly in his chest and his eyes stinging with tears that herefusesto let fall.

"You're not going to lose her, Tim," she says softly, and when Tim makes a broken noise Angela climbs out of her seat and takes him into her arms.

"But what if I do," he asks, and Angela wishes that she could take this away, that she could make everything better, but shecan't.

"I don't know," she admits, and Tim sighs as he drops his head to her collarbone.

They're silent for several moments, during which Angela absolutelydoes notmention the warmth of Tim's tears on her collarbone as she holds him, and when Tim speaks again, Angela holds him even tighter.

"I do," he finally whispers, and he sniffles but doesn't pull back because he doesn't think he can make himself meet Angela's eyes.

He's never been this vulnerable with her, withanyone,but he's been trying to be strong for Lucy for two weeks, and he should know by now that he can only hold his feelings in for so long before they find a way out.

But… he can trust Angela.

She's his best friend.

She'd supported him when Isabel left, and had kicked his ass into gear when he needed it. She'd watched sports when he couldn't form words to talk about how he was feeling, and she listened to him rage and cuss and fall apart when it was all too much.

He knows he cantrusther.

"Idocare about Lucy," he admits, and saying the words loosens something in his chest.

"I know," Angela whispers. "And… if it helps, I think this was inevitable. She's like the sun, and we're all just trapped in her orbit. You would never have … let yourself realize it, much lessacton it, while she was your rookie. But… everything's different now."

Tim nods and finally pulls away, wiping at his eyes though he still refuses to meet Angela's gaze.

"This is gonna fuckinghurt," he murmurs, and Angela laughs ruefully.

"Yeah, it is… but we're all here for you. Forbothof you. Let us help you. The only thingyouneed to worry about is being here for Lucy. Let us take care of the rest."

Tim nods and sighs as Angela sits back down and scoots her chair right up next to his. He drops his head on her shoulder, and watches Lucy as she sleeps.

Chapter 10

Chapter Text

Week 2 - February 24th

Lucy's labs come back the next day with no detectable change, and though the doctor tells them not to be discouraged, it's hard.

Their favorite nuse, Dani, is the one to hook up Lucy's chemo on Tuesday, and Lucy barely manages a smile as the nurse flushes her port and connects the medication.

"How are you feeling today?" she asks.

She's all smiles and happiness, and Tim finds himself wondering not for the first time how she manages to stay in such high spirits despite the job she does.

Lucy just shrugs in response, and Dani hums as she disinfects the skin around Lucy's port.

"I'm going to suggest something, forboth of you,and I don't want you to get feisty with me," she says, and Tim sighs, because nothing good ever comes after a sentence like that.

"What?" he asks wearily, and Dani smiles as she fluffs Lucy's blanket and pillow and tucks her in as the chemo begins diffusing.

"We have a variety of therapies here for long term patients," she begins, and she can see the way Tim tenses up at the wordtherapy. "Hush, you. We have art therapy, music therapy, and we bring it a therapy dog every Tuesday and Thursday as well. We also have massage therapy, OT, which Lucy will have to do at some point anyway, and heat and reiki therapy. Lucy, I think you should sign up forallof them, and Tim, you should join her in music and art therapy. It'll be good to break up the monotony and help raise your spirits. Also, Lucy told me about that wishlist your friends set up, Tim, and I have some suggestions for that."

That, Tim is all for.

He grabs his laptop and brings up the wishlist which, other than the weighted blanket, has stayed empty.

Dani smiles and walks over to look at the screen over his shoulder.

"So, we're not looking at releasing Lucy anytime soon, unfortunately. Her white cell count keeps dropping too low and she's too vulnerable to infection. So I would suggest you buy some soft, flannel sheets for the bed. A couple of sets. We can run them through the washer here for you as needed, but having a backup or two is good. Add some cozy pajamas to the list, too; let Lucy pick those out. I saw she already has a collection of fuzzy socks, but more of those couldn't hurt. The floors here arecold.Also, there's this brand of lotion that Idefinitelyrecommend. The air in here dries you out super quick, and this lotion is like liquidsilk. Here, type this in:Oncoderm Chemotherapy Cream. They have this lavender scented one that'sheavenly."

Tim adds the lotion to the wish list, and then passes the computer to Lucy.

"Pick out some flannel sheets and pajama sets," he says. He brushes a hand over her shoulder gently, and then nods his head toward the door. Dani follows him, and Tim wraps his arms around his chest as he watches Lucy scroll through Amazon.

"So, her hair is starting to fall out," Tim says quietly, and Dani nods, smiling encouragingly.

"Yes, weeks two and three are about when it starts happening for most people."

"What… what do you suggest?" Tim asks, because he's at a loss here.

"Honestly, I suggest helping her shave it. It's more distressing to watch it all fall out slowly than it is to just shave it all off. Buy some cute hats or wraps and help her put them on each morning. Also, if you shavedyour hairin solidarity, that might help."

Tim smiles at that, because Angela has already messaged him and told him she has aplan.

"I don't knowexactlywhat she's got cooking, but Angela messaged me yesterday and told me not to let Lucy shave her hair yet because she's working on something," he tells Dani, and the nurse smiles widely.

"God, Ilovethat woman. She stopped by the desk before leaving the other day and told me not to let you pout too much. She said to make you go to the gym if you're being grumpy because, and I quote, 'sometimes he just needs to beat something up to feel better'."

Tim rolls his eyes, becauseof courseAngela had done that.

"Go help Lucy pick things out," Dani says, laughing, and pushes on Tim's arm.

He smiles and thanks her, and then walks back over to Lucy's bed.

"Scoot, boot," he says, and Lucy looks up at him with wide, brown eyes. She moves over, though, and then melts into Tim's side when he climbs into the bed next to her.

It's easier to share the laptop that way, Tim reasons, though he can't deny that the feeling of Lucy's warmth against him iscomforting.

"Let's see what you've got," he murmurs, and Lucy shows him the two sets of flannel sheets she's picked. One of them is a blue and purple floral print, and it's not something Tim would have ever picked out, but it suits her. The other is butter yellow, plain, and Tim smiles because it reminds him of the sunshine.

"Perfect," he says. He reaches down and presses the button to raise the bed into a sitting position, and then wiggles around until he's sitting back against the mattress. He wraps an arm around Lucy's shoulder and lets her lean further into him, and his heart is racing, but Lucy sighs in contentment as she lays her head on his chest.

"Thank you," she murmurs, and Tim breathes out, his eyes closing as he holds her closer.

It'snice, holding her this way. It's reassuring, having her so close and feeling her breathe against him.

"You're welcome," he whispers, though he thinks thatheshould be the one thankingher,because he feels less stressed and anxious than he has indays.It's grounding having her weight against him, warm and soft andalive.

They peruse Amazon for a little longer, adding more fuzzy, non-slip socks to the list, as well as (at Lucy's insistence) a new pillow and blanket for him.

"The ones the hospital gave you areterrible," she insists, and Tim makes a noise of agreement because theyare, he just feels bad adding things forhimto the list.

This isn't abouthim.

Lucy ignores him and adds them anyway, and then Tim reaches for his phone, sending a message to Angela.

Tim: We added some things to the wishlist. I didn't know if you'd get an alert or anything. I can buy the stuff for Lucy, though, if no one else does. It's not a big deal and I feel bad asking, anyway.

Angela messages him back immediately, and Tim chuckles.

Angela: Idiot.

The first text is immediately followed by a second, and Tim feels a lump of emotion in his throat as he reads it.

Angela: Don't you fucking dare. Everyone here has beenbeggingfor ways to help. I guarantee everything will be bought and sent offtoday.

Then,

Angela: Is there anything YOU need?

Tim casts a glance at Lucy, who is beginning to nod off now that they've closed the laptop, and it should feel weird, he thinks, holding her like this when there's noreasonto be this close, but it's not.

It'scomfortable.

Tim: Lucy made me add a pillow and blanket to the list because the hospital provided ones suck.

Angela: Good. Do you need anything else?

Tim can't think of anything, and he sends back a text saying as much before quickly typing a second one.

Tim: We're probably going to have to shave her hair sooner rather than later. I don't know what your plan is, but I wanted to give you a heads up.

Angela: I'm on it. Details to come.

Tim pockets his phone and then leans back against the mattress.

He should move.

He should get out of the bed and lower it down and let Lucy take a nap, but… well, she's already asleep. She's snoring softly, her eyes closed, and Tim mightwake her upif he moves, he reasons, and she needs her rest.

It's a flimsy excuse and he knows it, but he finds he doesn't care as much as he thought he would.

He closes his eyes, and drifts, and he sleeps easier with Lucy in his arms than he has since they first came to the hospital.

After Lucy's round of chemo is finished, Dani comes back to disconnect it and flush her port again. They're awake and Lucy is feeling surprisingly good, and when she's finished, Dani turns on Tim.

"Go away," she says, and Tim makes a confused noise as he looks back and forth between the two women.

"Excuse me?"

Dani just laughs and smiles.

"I just clocked out; I'm off shift, and I can stay with her for a while. Go to the gym, beat the punching bag up, and take a shower. We'll watch a cheesy romance or something. Take a break."

Tim looks at Lucy, and he's conflicted.

Going to the gym and working out soundsnice. It's what he always does when he's stressed, but he doesn't want to leave Lucy.

He's been by her side almost constantly since she was admitted, and it feelsweirdto leave her now. At first it had felt weirdbeing here, but he's gotten used to sitting beside her, or taking her on walks, or just watching shitty TV together.

"Trust me," Dani insists, and she's already rearranging the chairs beside Lucy's bed so she can sit in one and put her feet up in the other. "You're in this for the long haul. This is week two oftwenty,Tim. You're going to need to take some time for yourself or you're going to burn out."

"You can go," Lucy whispers. She's wrapped up in her weighted blanket like a burrito and honestly she looks like she could fall asleep again.

"OK," he says, giving in, and he reaches for his bag. He has workout clothes in it, though he hasn't had a chance to use them. "I'll be back. I can… I can pick up dinner," he says, because he knows that ifhe'stired of hospital food, then Lucy probably is, too. "What do you want?"

Lucy thinks for a moment, and then grins up at him. "Veggie burger."

Tim laughs as he slings his workout bag over his shoulder. "Extra pickles?"

Lucy nods eagerly.

"You know me so well."

Tim finds himself wanting desperately to lean over and kiss Lucy on the forehead, a sweet goodbye before he leaves, but he holds himself back. "Too well," he whispers fondly, and Lucy smiles sweetly, sleepily at him as he rocks back and forth on his feet.

"I'll be back soon."

"'k," Lucy whispers, and Tim forces himself to leave or else he knows he never will.

It'snicetaking a break, Tim has to admit, though he does feel bad that Lucy is still stuck in the hospital room while he's not.

He works out, and he pushes himself harder than he normally does. The hospital's gym isn't the best equipped one he's ever been in, but it has a treadmill and a punching bag, and that's enough. He runs for a total of seven miles, working up quite a sweat, and by the time he's done and climbing into the shower, he feelsgood.

He feels more relaxed and at ease than he has in a long time, and he's ready and eager to get back to Lucy.

But first…

He pulls up Google Maps on his phone and finds the closest place that has veggie burgers, and he's surprised to see that it's within walking distance. He leaves the hospital, sighing as the sun beats down on him, and calls his order in ahead of time so it's ready when he gets there.

When he walks back into the hospital room Lucy is sleeping again, so Tim puts their dinner on the table beside her bed and waves at Dani as she rises from the chair beside her bed.

She walks up to him and puts a hand on his arm as he stares at Lucy.

"You're a good man," she whispers, and Tim's breath catches.

Dani leans up and kisses him on the cheek, patting him on the shoulder as she heads toward the door.

"She's lucky to have you."

Tim smiles and shakes his head, becausehe'slucky to haveher,but he doesn't say so. He lets Dani leave, and once she closes the door behind her, Tim reaches for the controls and dims the lamps in the room until the light matches the setting sun outside the window.

He reaches for Lucy's poetry book and thumbs through it, whispering the words of the poems that Lucy has read so many times to himself. It feels intimate, he thinks, reading her favorite poems, and he sighs as he settles on one that he's come back to several times, whispering the words into the darkness of the room as Lucy rests.

Not only did I love her,
but I could tell the universe
loved her too.
More than others.
She was different.
After all,
I would be a fool
not to notice the way
the sunshine played
with her hair.

Chapter 11

Chapter Text

Week 3 - March 2nd, 2020

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Tim: Lucy spiked a fever this morning.

Angela: Oh, no. What's going on?

Tim: The doctor said it is likely just a viral infection. Her white cell count is super low and her immune system is trashed, but they won't continue chemo or radiation until her fever is gone for 24 hours and maybe not even then depending on her blood work.

Nolan: How high did her fever get?

Tim: It's 103.8 right now.

Jackson: Poor Lucy. Is she awake?

Tim: No. She's been sleeping most of the day. Tylenol isn't bringing the fever down, either.

Incoming call from: Angela Lopez…

Tim sighs and answers the phone.

"Hi."

"Hey. How are you doing?"

Tim sighs again, and he knows that Angela means well, buthe'snot the one too sick to move or even stay awake.

He'sfine.

"I'm fine," he says curtly, but Angela makes a disbelieving noise on the other end.

"No, you're not, Tim. Lucy may be the sick one but you're in this, too. It's OK to not be OK. If you're going to support her through this, then you need someone to support you, too, and I've valiantly decided to take that job on. Now, I'll ask again. How are you?"

Tim runs a hand through his hair and glances at the bed. Lucy is flushed and her heart rate is stubbornly refusing to come down. She's restless and sweating in her sleep and has already kicked her blanket off, and Tim…

… well,hehasn't managed to calmhisownanxiously racing heart since Lucy had woken up sick this morning.

"I'm scared," he admits, and he had known there were going to be ups and downs, but he hadn't expected the downs so soon. "Did… did I ever tell you about my mom?"

"No,"Angela whispers, and Tim pulls his knees to his chest and puts his phone on speaker before wrapping his arms around his legs. It's been a long time, since he was a little boy, he thinks, since he's felt the need to curl up like this. To make himself as small as possible.

"She died of cancer. Lung cancer, stage 4 when it was diagnosed."

"Oh, Tim," Angela sighs, and he shrugs though he knows she can't see him.

"I was gone. Deployed. I wasn't there for her. And now… now, I'm going to lose Lucy the same way."

"Tim, you're not going to lose her," Angela insists, but Tim finds it almost impossible to believe her.

Lucy is justso sick…

"She's fighting this. Her blood work looked better this week, right? It's working. You know how chemo works, Tim. It destroys the goodandthe bad cells, which means she's more susceptible to infection. This is normal and expected, and she's in the best place she can be. They'll take good care of her, and as soon as her fever breaks she'll be back on track. This is just a bump."

Tim sighs and glances over toward Lucy again.

"I didn't want her to be alone, but…god, Angela, I didn't expect to… tofeelthis much. I shouldn't have come."

"Fuck that,"Angela says, and Tim chuckles because he can always count on Angela to tell him how it is."Fuck that sideways, Bradford. You're the best person for herbecauseyou love her."

"I don't… I'mnot," Tim sputters, but…

Well,fuck, he thinks, because…

Hedoes, and heis.

"You're in love with her and you know it,"Angela says, and her tone is soft but firm. "You've always respected her and trusted her, and you let her see a side of you you've never let another rookie see. It was obvious that you had a special connection from the beginning, and this… what's happening, just sped it up. It was inevitable. In another universe, you finished training her andthentook that leap, but here and now… well."

"I'm still married," Tim whispers, though he knows it's a weak excuse.

"On paper, yes. But not in your heart. It's OK to be in love again, Tim. You're not betraying Isabel or yourself or anyone. You love Lucy, and it's OK."

"OK," Tim says simply, and he's not sure he believes her yet, but he doesn't have the energy to deny it anymore.

Hedoeslove Lucy.

He doesn't know when it happened orhowit happened without him realizing it, but her smile and her happiness have become so important to him.

He wakes up every morning thinking about her, and falls asleep every night wondering what he can do to make her smile.

"I have to go," he whispers, because he doesn't know how much longer he's going to be able to hold out without crying, and hewill notcry.

"Keep us updated,"Angela requests, and Tim promises he will before he hangs up his phone, ignoring the several text messages waiting in the group chat. He reaches for Lucy's poetry book, because reading it helps him feel close to her, and opens it to the last place he'd read out loud.

He reads now, his voice soft in the silent room.

He reads and reads andreadsuntil his throat hurts and his voice is hoarse, because maybe she'll wake up if he does.

Maybe she'll wake up if she hears her favorite poems being read out loud to her.

I have
dreams
where lotus
flowers blossom
from your
chest
and as I
discover
the taste
of seeds
on my lips
I begin to
finally understand
what love
is.

(Despite how much Tim reads, she doesn't wake up that night).

March 3rd, 2020

Lucy's fever breaks the next morning, and Tim breathes a sigh of relief as her eyelids flutter open. She makes a confused noise and turns to look at him, and his eyes are moist with tears he refuses to let fall.

"Hey, you," he says, and his voice is still a little hoarse from all of the reading he'd done the night before.

"Hi," Lucy says, and then she coughs. Tim reaches for her water cup and hands it to her, raising her bed up into a sitting position and watching her carefully as she takes slow sips. "What… how long have I been asleep?"

"On and off since yesterday morning. You spiked a fever," Tim explains, and then he takes her cup from her when she's finished. "You scared theshitout of me."

"Sorry," she apologizes, and then she sighs as she leans back against her pillows.

She feelsweak, but better than she felt the morning before. She no longer aches, or feels like her body is on fire, and she knows the fever has broken because she'stiredbut no longer queasy and ill.

"It's OK," Tim says, and Lucy reaches out to take his hand because he looks a little lost. "You got better. It's OK."

What he doesn't tell her is that he's waiting with baited breath for the day shedoesn't get better. He thinks it might break him, if (when) that day comes.

"Yeah," Lucy agrees, and then she smiles softly as she turns to look out the window. "Can we go outside today? It looks nice."

Tim bites his lip and shakes his head, because Dani had told him that Lucy would be banned from leaving her room until her white cell count came back up.

"Too much risk of infection outside of the room," he says, and hehatesthe way her face falls. "They're pausing your chemo until your neutrophil count is back in an acceptable range. Radiation, too. We're in isolation through the weekend."

"Oh," Lucy says, and she looks so crestfallen that Tim can't help himself.

He drops her hand as he stands, and then nudges her hip. Lucy looks up at him questioningly, but she understands what he wants when he kicks his shoes off and lifts her blankets.

"Not a word," he grumbles, but Lucy smiles as he climbs into the bed beside her. There's not enough room for them to lay side by side, so Tim turns on his hip, rearranging Lucy until her head is resting on his chest and his arms are wrapped around her. He puts a hand on her forehead and breathes a sigh of relief when he feels her skin, cool to the touch beneath his palm.

Lucy doesn't say a word, but she does snuggle closer, laying her ear right over his heart. She listens to the calmingthump-thump-thumpof his heartbeat, and sighs as she relaxes into him.

"Imagine the Tim from last month if he saw us now," she says, and Tim laughs softly.

"He would beappalled."

"Even a month ago you were secretly a big, soft marshmallow," Lucy murmurs, and she reaches one hand up to play with the soft material of Tim's henley. "You just didn't let anyone see it."

"Don't you dare tell anyone," Timm grumbles, and he tries to sound put out but mostly he's just absurdly relieved that Lucy is awake and talking and no longer fevered. "I have a reputation to maintain, you know."

Lucy snorts. "No one would believe that Officer Tim Bradford was the cuddling type even if Ididtell them, don't worry."

"I'mnotthe cuddling type," Tim argues, and Lucy looks up at him as if to saythen what is this? He adds quickly, "You'rean exception."

Lucy smiles and wants to askwhy,but she doesn't.

It seems too dangerous, like swimming into the ocean without a life vest and no idea how deep the water truly runs.

She thinks she could fall into Tim easily, and never resurface.

But, more frighteningly, she thinks she mightlike it.

"Read to me," she requests, and Tim mutters something about her being needy and demanding, but he reaches for her book anyway.

"I didn't know you liked poetry so much," he says as he flips through the pages. It's awkward trying to hold the book while cradling her in his arms, but he manages.

"I've always liked it, since I was a little kid," Lucy explains, and Tim finds a poem to read to her but doesn't begin yet. "That book was a gift from my aunt. My parents… well, they didn't really get involved in my interests. They always told me what Ishouldbe interested in, instead of letting me explore, but myaunt… well, she loved poetry, too. It was something we did together."

"That sounds nice," Tim says, and he understands shitty parents in a way he hopes to one day share with her.

"It was nice. I miss her."

Tim wants to ask more about her aunt, but he knows that Lucy will share when she's ready.

They have time.

For now, he presses his chin to her hair, breathes in her scent, and reads.

She buried
her ears
into the calm
of his heartbeat
and in a matter of seconds,
fell terribly in love
with the way
her loneliness fell
softly and suddenly
asleep,
in his chest.

Chapter 12

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 4 - March 10th, 2020

Angela flies out the next week so that Tim can fly back to California and finalize his divorce. He doesn'twant to leave,though, and decides to stay for Art Therapy before he goes. He's gone once with Lucy already, and while it's not necessarily his thing, shelovesit, and he loves seeing her smile.

Angela follows them with a smile on her face, watching as Tim pushes Lucy's wheelchair down the hallways. They whisper in soft tones the whole way, and Angela is curious what they're talking about, but she doesn't pry.

Once in the room, Tim gathers all of Lucy's supplies as well as his own, and as he's arranging them on the table, Angela raises an eyebrow.

"Where's my stuff?" she asks, and Tim shoots her a look.

"You have perfectly good feet and hands," he tells her, and she huffs before walking to the front and grabbing a canvas and a set of paints and paintbrushes.

The leader of the therapy explains to them that today they'll be painting theirfeelings, and while Tim rolls his eyes, he does try to listen and follow directions.

He stares at his color pallet as he thinks, and he doesn't know what the fuck she means bypaint your feelings, so he watches as some of the other people in the room begin.

Some paint flowers and happy, colorful things, and some begin painting dark, angry, jagged shapes. Lucy is spreading purple all over her canvas, and Angela is beginning to paint something that involves a lot of blue.

Tim considers the colors on his tray, and then reaches for the yellow.

When they're done, the lady leading the art therapy class, who had introduced herself as Sally at some point, asks if anyone wants to share what they've painted and why.

A young man, probably barely in his twenties, raises his hand and then holds up his canvas. It's black with red running down it, and Tim swallows as the man begins talking.

"I got some bad news this morning," he whispers. "The cancer has spread to my bones. I'm feeling… angry. It's not fair. I've fought just as hard as anyone else, but it just… keeps spreading. I'm jealous and pissed off and just… tired. I'm tired of fighting."

The woman next to him reaches out to take his hand, and Tim sees tears in his eyes.

He wonders how long it'll be beforeLucyreceives news like that.

The next person to share is a woman with a scarf wrapped around her head. She's painted flowers, and she speaks about the bouquet that her grandchildren had brought her that morning, about how the happy colors had brightened up her room and made her smile.

Lucy raises her hand next, and Tim's eyes snap to her canvas as she holds it up. It looks like a purple sunset, with different shades striped across the canvas, ranging from a rich, deep purple, to a soft, almost-white lilac.

"Purple stands for bravery," she whispers, and Tim thinks she's the bravest person he's ever known. "I haven't been feeling particularly brave the past few weeks, but… I don't have to, because I have someone with me who will be brave when I'm weak. He makesmebraver."

Tim reaches out to take Lucy's hand into his own, and he can feel Angela's eyes on them but he doesn't even care.

He's not as brave as she thinks he is, but hewantsto be.

"I used yellow," he says, and his voice is quiet but loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. He doesn't hold his painting up, but instead stares at the horizon he's painted, the rays of yellow that stretch across the diameter of the canvas. "I used yellow because I've always thought, from the moment I met her, that Lucy was like the sunshine. At first it annoyed the shit out of me, but… she's the sunshine, and the world can't afford for her light to go out."

Lucy squeezes his hand, and when Tim looks up at her there are tears in her eyes.

Several others share afterward, but Tim doesn't really hear any of them.

He's caught in Lucy's orbit, and he never wants to leave it.

As soon as Tim leaves the hospital, Angela turns her attention to Lucy. She's grinning in a decidedly frightening way, Lucy thinks, and she'swaryas Angela pushes her wheelchair to the front desk and leans on it, catching the attention of Dani.

"Hey, can I take her for a walk? Tim said her white cell count was up this morning."

Dani grabs Lucy's file and reviews her latest blood work before nodding. "That should be fine. I'd still like her to wear a mask, but you should be fine to take a short walk. Try to follow the six foot rule and keep her away from other people, especially while still inside the hospital, and don't keep her out fortoo long, but I think the sunshine would do her some good."

"Awesome, thank you," Angela says, and she reaches over the counter to take the medical mask that Dani holds out.

"Where'd Tim go?" Dani asks, and Lucy looks up, a small smile on her lips.

She already misses Tim, which isastounding,because there was a point not so long ago when she couldn'twaitto get away from him, when she couldn't wait for their twelve hour shift to be over so she could run in the opposite direction as fast as she could.

Everything is different now, and she misses the way he reads to her and the way he's alwaysthere,a silent support and a shoulder to lean on.

"He had to fly back to LA for a bit," she explains, and she looks down at the socks on her feet (the socks that Tim had so carefully put on her that morning) as she speaks. "He'll be back tomorrow."

"We're going to have a girls night," Angela explains, and Dani gives them a calculating look.

"If I bring pizza… can I sit in on this girls night?"

Angela laughs and nods. "When are you off shift?"

"Six thirty. I'll be in to start Lucy's chemo around 5:30, and then shift change normally takes around an hour. What kind of pizza do you like?"

Lucy tunes Dani and Angela out as they talk about pizza (Angela knows what she likes), opening her phone and navigating to her text chat with Tim.

She's barely texted him since she was diagnosed, since he's been with her the entire time, and her eyes land on the first few messages they'd exchanged after she'd told him the news. She smiles at the way Tim texts — straightforward, no nonsense, no use of emojis.

It's soTim.

Lucy: I already miss you.

Tim texts back immediately, and Lucy wonders if he's on the plane yet.

Tim: I'll be back tomorrow.

Short and to the point. Lucy still smiles at the message, though, because she can just imagine him staring at his phone in the intense way he always does when he's texting.

He is such anold man.

God, she loves him.

The thought causes her heart to race and her cheeks to flush, and she turns her head so that Angela and Dani can't see her because she knows they'll be able to tell something's up.

But… well, shedoes,she thinks.

It had happened slowly, like the way the breeze slowly picks up speed and strength before a summer storm. It had grown in the silent moments when he held her hand, and the way he read her favorite poetry to her while she rested.

The realization doesn't shock her, or scare her.

Itdoescause her world to tilt a little bit, but not in a bad way. It's like… one moment, she's off balance and unsure, and the next moment something slots into place and she realizesoh, so that's what I've been missing.

It's easy, and she smiles as she lets the feeling wash through her body.

Love.

Lucy: Can you stop by my apartment while you're in LA? There's a book I'd like.

Tim: Sure. What book?

Lucy: Old Soul Love, by Christopher Poindexter.

Tim's response is immediate.

Tim: That's the poet from your other book.

Lucy: It is. He's my favorite poet.

Tim: I'll make sure to grab it. Is there anything else you want from home?

Lucy: No, thank you.

Just you, she wants to say, but she doesn't, and she assumes Tim's flight must take off soon after that because he goes radio silent.

It's fine, though, she thinks, because Angela and Dani have finished planning their girls night, and Angela is pushing her wheelchair toward the elevator.

"Let's go to the park," she suggests, and Lucy nods, sighing as she melts back into the wheelchair.

It sounds nice, and the sunshinewilldo her good.

She only wishes Tim was there with them.

Angela must be some sort of secret-sniffing hound dog, Lucy thinks, because they've only been outside for a few minutes when Angela smiles and breaks the silence.

The older woman parks Lucy's wheelchair right by the lake and puts the brakes on so that she doesn't go anywhere she's not supposed to, and then she sits down on a bench next to her as they watch the ducks swim. The sun sparkles on the surface of the clear, softly rippling water, and Lucy is able to relax for exactly one minute before Angela speaks up.

"Tell me about Tim," she requests, and Lucy blushes though she tries not to let Angela see.

"Um. What do you mean?"

Angela shrugs and grins. "Icouldpretend to be asking how it's been with him here, but I think we both know what I'm asking. You're in love with him."

"That's not a question," Lucy points out, and Angela chuckles.

"You're right; it's a statement. Youarein love with him."

Lucy bites her lip and waits for the panic to set in. Maybe she'll feel it now, she thinks, now that someone elseknows.

But it still doesn't come.

She still feelscalm.

The rest of her life is chaos and pain and frustration, but not Tim.

Timis calm, and quiet, and everything good and steady in the world.

"I do," she admits, and her stomach flutters as she admits it. "But, um. He doesn't… I know he doesn't feel the same. And that's OK!" she says quickly, playing with the edge of the blanket in her lap as she speaks. "It's just… it's nice to have someone with me. It's nice not to be alone."

"You might be surprised," Angela whispers, and Lucy turns to look at her friend finally.

"What do you mean?"

Angela shrugs and sighs as the wind blows through her hair.

"You might be surprised by how he feels. You should tell him."

Lucy shakes her head, though, becausefuck no.

It's one thing for her to be in love with Tim. It's … it had been inevitable, really, that she fell for him. He was good, and kind, and even though he was hurting, he was trying to be better.

He was steady in the face of uncertainty, and he was her rock.

But…

"It's not fair to tell him," she whispers, and she looks away from Angela as she talks now. "He's already lost so much. I… don't want to be just another regret, another thing that hurts for him to think about. When…ifI die, I don't want him to have lostthat,too."

Angela is shaking her head before Lucy even finishes speaking, though, becausefuck that.

"That's not how it works," she says softly, sadly. "Whether you tell him or not, if you don't… if you don't beat this, it's going to hurt him the same. Maybemore,if you leave something like this unanswered. He'll always wonder. He'll always have thatwhat if. But Lu… if hedoesfeel the same, don't the two of you deserve to be happy, for as long as you can be? Also, you can't give up before you even begin. Your numbers are looking good and your doctor sounds positive about your latest results. You keep thinking about the worst case scenario, but what if it all turns out OK?"

"But what if itdoesn't?" Lucy counters, and then she sighs as she leans back in her chair.

"I don't think it's going to matter in the slightest if you don't tell him. That boy is so in love with you it's painful to watch," Angela says, and she reaches out to take Lucy's hand into her own. "Whether you admit your feelings or not, if you die, he's going to bedevastated.But he'll never be alone; we'll be there for him. Isn't the chance to be trulyhappyworth the uncertainty?"

Lucy doesn't know what to say, so she doesn't speak. She holds Angela's hand and thinks about the future as she stares out over the water, and she wonders.

Isit worth it?

By the time they start back toward the hospital, she still doesn't have an answer.

Notes:

They're both catching feelings, but what will it take for them to admit them to each other?

Chapter 13

Chapter Text

Week 4 - March 5th, 2020

Tim is eager to get back to Duke and be with Lucy, and he finds that signing and turning in the paperwork to finalize his divorce is… easy.

Nothing about what had happened with Isabel had beeneasy,so he's thankful that at least this one thing is. It doesn't hurt like he thought it would when he meets Isabel at the courthouse, and there's no regret or longing when he signs the paper, shakes her hand, and leaves.

Instead, all he feels is…free.

He feels light and relieved andhappy.

And he knows that he'd planned to take a day in LA to go home and check on things, and to take some time to rest, but as he climbs into his truck and begins the drive to Lucy's house to grab the book she'd asked for, all he wants is to get back toher.

He'll leave tonight, he thinks, and surprise her when he gets back early.

He's smiling and planning when his phone rings, and his smile grows even wider when he glances at the display when he sees who it is.

Lucy Chen.

He answers it and her voice spreads through the cabin of his truck, filling up all of the empty spaces and making Tim sigh in happiness.

"Hey,"she greets, and Tim wants to be back by her side.

"Hi. How are you doing?" he asks, and he hopes desperately that she's still feeling OK. He'd meant to come do the paperwork for his divorce the previous weekend, but she'd been in isolation until Tuesday and he hadn't wanted to leave her.

"I'm fine. I just miss you."

There's a warmth in Tim's chest that he's started feeling whenever he's around Lucy, and he revels in it as he turns on his blinker to merge.

"I miss you, too. How is Angela?"

As if on cue, there's an explosion of laughter from the other side of the phone. Lucy giggles softly and then explains,"We're having a girls night. Angela and Dani are… intense together. Also you're on speakerphone so …"

She trails off and there's a brief scuffle, and Tim sighs in happiness as he imagines Lucy callinghimwhile having a girls night with Angela and Dani.

"Congrats on your divorce, Bradford!"Angela shouts, and Tim rolls his eyes.

"You know, you're lucky that I'm not taking offense to that. A lot of people would be upset if they were getting divorced, Ang."

"I know you like the annoying older brother I never wanted,"Angela responds, and Dani giggles."You're just relieved, because the whole Isabel situation has been … hard for you, and it's over now and I bet you anything that all you're doing is breathing a sigh of relief and booking a return flight tonight because you hate being gone from Lucy."

Tim rolls his eyes, but she's notwrong.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh huh. God you're so predictable. Here, talk to Lucy again. Dani and I are… working on something."

Tim both does andabsolutely does notwant to know what they're working on, so he doesn't put up a fight as Lucy takes the phone back. There's another brief shuffle, and then her voice filters through the cabin of the truck again.

"I took you off speaker. Tim, they're terrifying together. Why did you leave me with them?"

Tim laughs and he loves her so much. He wants to be back with hernow, and the sooner he grabs what she needs, he thinks, the sooner hecan be.He disconnects his phone from the truck bluetooth and climbs out as he presses it against his ear.

"I'll be back soon, I promise. You'll be fine until then. They're capable, if annoying."

"They painted my toes, which I don't hate. It's a nice color. And we ordered some wraps and hats for when I lose my hair. We're watching rom coms now and I don't hate those, either, but… they're ganging up on me, Tim."

Tim chuckles and unlocks the door to her apartment. It's untouched, the exact same as the last time he was here (with an added layer of dust), and he sighs as he takes it in.

"What are they ganging up on you about? Also I'm at your apartment. Is there anything else you want?"

"Maybe some more pairs of pajamas. And sweatpants. Just comfy clothes, and my slippers, too. And don't forget my book."

"I won't," Tim promises, and in fact he heads for her bookshelf first. There are a lot more poetry books than he remembers seeing last time, but he supposes it's because he's looking. "You didn't tell me what they're ganging up on you about," he reminds her, and he drops the requested poetry book plus an additional one by the same author into the bag he'd brought.

"It's just… girl things,"Lucy says, and Tim can tell that she's avoiding telling him something.

"OK," he says easily, because if she doesn't want to share she doesn't have to.

"I'm getting tired, though, so I have a feeling that our girls night is coming to an end. God, I can't wait until I can make it through a movie without falling asleep again."

"Don't be hard on yourself," Tim says gently as he walks into her bedroom and opens her dresser drawers in search of the softest pajamas Lucy owns. "Your body is working hard to heal itself. Rest if you need it, Lu."

"I will,"Lucy promises, and there's a brief pause before she requests, quietly as if she doesn't want Dani and Angela to hear,"Can you read to me a bit? I've gotten kind of used to listening to you read as I fall asleep."

"Of course," Tim says, and he pauses in his rummaging to sit on the edge of Lucy's bed. He grabs the book from her bag and flips through it and, like the other book, it's marked up and dog eared. He picks a poem that has seen a lot of love, and smiles as he reads it because it rings sotrue.

I have thought
my entire life
I needed
seas
or mountains
or magnificent
city lights

to be happy.

Truth is:
I do not
care where
I am

as long as
I have

you.

Lucy sighs happily on the other end of the phone, and Tim sits there in her bedroom, letting the silence wash over them for several seconds as he listens to her breathing.

"Get some rest, Lucy," he murmurs, and she says she will before she hangs up. She had sounded half asleep already, and Tim is hopeful that Dani and Angela will let her sleep.

He puts his phone in his pocket, and then moves as quickly as he can gathering Lucy's things.

All he wants is to be back by her side.

Lucy wakes up to see Angela frowning in the chair beside her bed.

She sighs, and lets her eyes flutter closed again, because sheknowsthat they were waiting on results from her latest blood draws, and based on the expression on Angela's face, it isn't good news.

"Tell me," she whispers, and Angela sighs as she leans forward, her elbows on her knees.

"It's notbadnews," she assures her quickly. "It's just notgreatnews. There's some improvement, but it's not quite what they wanted to see. They think it's because of the hiccup with the infection last week and missing out on the whole week's worth of treatments. They want to take you for a CT and repeat blood work on Friday, after you've had a solid five days of chemo and radiation."

"Oh," Lucy says, and she breathes a sigh of relief because as long as she isn't gettingworse, it's OK.

"Your doctor will round later with more details and an updated treatment plan," Angela says, and Lucy groans.

She's not sure she can take much more, treatment wise. Surely they won'tincreasethe number of treatments she's getting? It seems like that would only make things worse.

"OK," she says, and there's a lot more shecouldsay, but she just doesn't have the energy. She's weary to her very bones, and all she wants is for this to beover.She wants to be healthy and whole again, to be able to walk on her own and go back to doing the job she loves so much.

And, she wantsTim.

"When is Tim supposed to be back?" she asks, and she's curling onto her side, toward the window and away from Angela, as she speaks.

"Sometime today. He said he'd keep me updated. Lucy…"

Lucy stiffens, because she knows what's coming, and Angela isn'twrong,but…

She can't bring herself to do that to Tim. To tell him she loves him when she may only have a precious few more months with him.

Shecan't…

"You should tell him how you feel."

Lucy shakes her head and refuses to turn around and look at Angela, because she knows her friend is right, she justcan't.She can't be one more thing Tim loses. She can't be another layer of pain and loss andhurtthat he has to deal with, because he's already dealing withso much.

He's already been hurtso much.

"I can't," she whispers, and Angela sighs.

"Stubborn fucking idiots," she murmurs, and Lucy cracks a smile briefly before it falls from her lips.

It's greedy of her, she knows, how much she wants Tim with her. She wants him by her side, holding her and reading to her and telling her that everything will be OK, but she knows it's hurting him. She knows that it would be best if she pushed him away, but shecan't make herself do it.

She's greedy and selfish and sheneeds him.

She knows she won't be able to make him leave, so she's doing what little she can. She's trying to keep a tiny bit of distance between them, just enough that it won't break him when she dies.

Angela sighs and leans back in her chair, and she wishes that she knew what to say to Lucy to make her realize that Tim will be fuckingshatteredno matter what, so they may as well hold onto the one small bit of happiness theycouldhave.

But she doesn't know how to get through to her, so she says nothing.

When Tim returns Lucy is asleep but Angela isn't.

"Tim," she whispers, and he suddenly has his arms full of his best friend. She's crying against his shoulder, and Tim is suddenly and deeply terrified that something had happened while he was gone.

Oh, God…

"What happened?" he asks, and he can'tbreathe.

He can'tfucking breathe.

Angela shakes her head, though, and whispers, "No, not that," and Tim slumps into her, relief sweeping through his body and making him weak.

"What, then?" he asks, and he wants to go to Lucy immediately but he can see that Angela needs comfort, too.

"How do you do this?" she asks, and her voice is hoarse. "How can you watch her go through this and not …break the fuck down.It's been one day, Tim, and I'm so…god, why her?"

Tim shakes his head, because he doesn't know. He doesn't knowwhy her, as much as he wishes that he did.

"I do it because she deserves to have someone in her corner," Tim murmurs, and he rocks Angela gently in his arms as she sniffles. "She deserves to not be alone, and it's fuckinghard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's harder than what happened with Isabel, because shechosethat. Lucy didn't choose this."

Angela nods and sighs, and Tim pulls back just enough to see her expression.

"I do it because I love her, and I know you love her, too. We can do this, Ang. We can be here for her no matter what the outcome."

Angela nods, and she sniffles and wipes at her eyes as she turns back to Lucy, who's still sleeping peacefully in her bed.

"Tim, tell her," she whispers, and she desperately wants to tell Tim what she knows of Lucy's feelings, but she knows it's not her place. She can… she canhint, though, she thinks, and she sighs as she turns back to Tim. "I think… I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with what she has to say."

And the thing is, Timwants to. He wants to take Lucy into his arms and tell her he loves her desperately, completely. He wants to tell her that he doesn't know when or how it happened, but that it's all consuming. He loves her with everything in him, and he'll love her if she lives and he'll love her if she dies.

"OK," he whispers, and he doesn't knowwhenor evenhowhe'll tell her, but hewill,because she deserves that, too. She'd told him once that she had never truly been in love or loved by one of her boyfriends, and she deserves that.

She deserves to be loved wholly, fearlessly, and endlessly.

"OK," he says again, and Angela smiles as she pulls away from his arms and pushes him toward Lucy's bed. He goes easily, because in what world would henot, and crawls in behind her, wrapping his body around hers and holding her close.

"I love you," he whispers into her hair, and he knows Lucy is sleeping and won't hear him, but he's wasted so much timenottelling her that he can't wait another second.

Chapter 14

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 5 - March 12th, 2020

The time comes when Tim doesn't think they can put off cutting Lucy's hair any longer. It's falling out in chunks when she showers and coming off in waves when Tim runs his fingers through her hair, and every time she sees the strands fall out, she gets upset.

They wake up on Monday morning and Tim holds up the clippers with a small smile on his face.

He hasn't told her that he loves her yet, but he thinks she must feel it. She must feel it the way he holds her, the way he reads to her and how he whispers words of comfort in her ear when she's not feeling well. Shemustsee it in the way he looks at her, because he feels soobviousand so overflowing with love for the woman before him that there's no way the wholeworlddoesn't see it.

"Ready?" he asks, and Lucy nods from her bed. The wraps and hats they'd ordered had come in the previous day, and she had been preparing herself for this moment.

Tim takes her hand and helps lead her into the bathroom. She's weaker than ever; the chemo and radiation are taking their toll on her. She's pale and has clearly lost weight, and Tim knows that the medications and therapies are literally keeping her alive, but it's so hard watching those very same treatmentshurther.

Tim grabs his phone and then leans down until he's face-level with where Lucy is sitting on the chair in front of him. He grins and holds the clippers up, and Lucy smiles, too, as he snaps a selfie of them.

To: You'd Better Keep us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Tim: Today's the day! [Image]

Angela: FaceTime us when you're done, we have a surprise for you!

Tim shows his phone to Lucy and lets her hold it as he grabs the scissors off of the counter.

"Will you help me shave my head when I'm done with yours?" he asks gently, and Lucy turns to look at him in surprise.

"Tim, you don't have to," she says, and her brown eyes are wide and full of emotion.

Tim leans down and presses his face into her hair, breathing in her scent as he meets her eyes in the mirror.

He's going to miss the smell of her shampoo, and the feel of her hair flowing through his fingers.

"I know I don'thaveto, Lu," he whispers, and he runs his fingers through her soft, silky waves one more time, his heart clenching as he brings the scissors up and begins to cut. They both watch as her long, thick hair falls to the floor in chunks, and it's not long before there are tears coursing down Lucy's face.

She cries silently, and Tim's heart breaks as he continues. His hands shake and his chest hurts, and he wants to kiss away her tears but he settles for brushing his thumbs under her eyes. The rough pad of his thumb caresses her cheek as he wipes away the moisture, and he buries his face in her hair one more time as he reaches for the clippers.

I love you, he thinks, and he wants to say it so badly but now is not the time.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known," he murmurs instead, because sheis. "Inside and out, you arebeautiful, Lucy. You have the biggest heart. It doesn't matter if you don't have hair, you'll always be the most beautiful person on this whole goddamn planet."

Lucy sniffles and smiles at him in the mirror, and Tim moves around the chair to kneel in front of her.

"You'resureyou want to do this?"

Lucy nods, because she doesn't want to wait and watch as her hair falls out on its own.

She has so little control over what's happening to her. She can't control her treatments or her body's reaction to them. She can't control how often she's put in isolation, and she can't control how the cancer grows, but she can controlthis. She can shave off her hair and make thisonechoice.

"Yes."

Tim nods and cups her cheek in his hand, staring into her eyes for one long, charged moment, and then he smiles and stands up, walking around behind her and catching her gaze in the mirror as he runs the clippers through her hair, and as the soft strands join the rest of her hair on the floor, he feels so fuckingproudof her that he's breathless with it.

He brushes his fingers over every patch of skin that's revealed, and when he's done her head is bare and her eyes are filled with tears again. She's smiling, though, and she reaches one hand up to touch her head.

"It's so soft," she marvels, and Tim nods. He reaches out and takes her hand into his, entwines their fingers, and rests their clasped hands on her head. He meets her eyes in the mirror again, and without breaking eye contact, leans down and presses his lips to the soft, bare skin of her head.

He doesn't say anything, but Lucy smiles anyway.

Her heart is racing and her stomach is full of fluttering, anxious butterflies, and she loves this man so much.

"My turn," Tim says, and he moves to where he's sitting on the floor in front of Lucy's chair. He knows she can't stand up long enough to shave him any other way, and so he sits criss-cross, his hands in his lap as Lucy takes the razor and begins to run it through his hair.

His dirty blond strands join hers on the floor, and he watches as it falls until Lucy's done. She turns the razor off and then leans down and kisseshishead, and Tim is so in love with her that it hurts.

His chest aches and his throat is tight and heloves her.

"Lucy," he whispers, and he turns around and kneels on his knees so that his face is level with hers. He reaches out and cups her chin in his hand, brushing his thumb over her bottom lip. She's staring at him with wide eyes, her lips curling up into a smile, and Tim is about to kiss her because he'sfucking loves herwhen his phone rings.

"Fuck," he mutters, and Lucy giggles as she turns it over in her lap to see it's an incoming FaceTime call from Angela. She answers it and Tim moves so that they're both in the frame, their naked heads glimmering in the light from the bulb above the sink.

"Hey!"Angela cheers, and Tim can see Nolan, Jackson, Talia, and sergeant Grey behind her.

"Hi," Tim grumbles, and Angela rolls her eyes at him before moving the camera so that they can see the area of the astation behind her.

"So, this is the surprise. We wanted to show you that we're all here for you, Lucy. We believe in you and we know you're going to beat this. So, as Tim cleans up that disaster of a bathroom and helps you back into bed, I want you to watch and see how much everyone here loves you."

Tim chuckles and takes Lucy's hand, leading her back into the bed.

Cleaning the bathroom can wait.

He grabs one of the wraps they'd bought for her, and carefully wraps it around her head, covering the short, shaved hairs and tying it off in the back. He tugs the edges down and runs his thumb over them, making sure they're not creased or bent or irritating to her sensitive skin in any way.

"Tim," Lucy whispers, and she reaches a hand out. Tim takes it and she tugs on him, pulling him toward her. He goes easily because he always will. He'llalwaysgo to her if she asks.

He crawls into the bed behind her and then takes his phone, holding it out so that he and Lucy can both see what's happening.

They've set up a table in the middle of the station, and Grey is on one side with scissors and clippers, and on the other side there's a long,longline of officers, standing and smiling and waving at Angela's phone.

"We sent the flyer out last week. Anyone who has long enough hair and wants to donate to Locks of Love can have their hair sectioned and sent off, and anyone who wants to shave their heads in solidarity gets a free hat or head wrap. We ordered a bunch of the same ones we got for Lucy."

Lucy turns in the bed to stare at Tim, and her eyes are filled with overwhelmed tears.

"So many people love you, Lucy," he murmurs, and he buries his head in her neck, breathing in the scent of her skin and her lavender lotion as they watch.

Angela goes first.

Her hair is sectioned off and tied with hair ties, and then cut for donation before Grey takes out his clippers and shaves her head. She's grinning the whole time, making faces and laughing at the camera as Tim and Lucy watch from where they're curled together on the bed.

Tim wonders if he should feel self-conscious that basically anyone who can see Angela's phone can see himcuddlingwith Lucy, but he doesn't.

It feels toorightfor him to be self-conscious about it.

Jackson, Nolan, and Talia follow, but they don't have enough hair to donate so they only get shaved. They accept their hats and wraps and wear them proudly, posing in front of the phone when they're done.

"There are over fifty people waiting, Lucy,"Angela says, and her voice is a soft, sweet whisper."So many people care for you. You're not alone in this. We're here. We love you."

"I love you guys, too," Lucy whispers. She's crying once again, silent tears slipping down her cheeks, and Tim doesn't know what to say, so instead he kisses her neck, smiling against her skin when he hears her sigh of contentment and feels her relax fully into him.

They sit together in Lucy's hospital bed until Dani comes in to start chemo, and then she joins them, perched on the edge as they watch the video of people Lucy doesn't evenknowhaving their heads shaved by Sergeant Grey. The whole time there's a stream of different people holding the phone, because the station doesn't just stop running because of an event like this, and each person talks to Lucy and Tim and wishes them well.

By the time the last person is through the line, Grey looks exhausted but is smiling. He walks over and takes the phone from Smitty, turning it so that he can see Tim and Lucy.

"I'd shave my head, too, but…"

Lucy laughs and smiles, reaching a hand up to wipe at her tears, and then lays her head on Tim's chest as she stares into the phone.

"Thank you," she says, and Grey's expression is awash with emotion, too.

"You're gonna kick cancer's ass,"he says, and Lucyhopes."Get better and come back to us. We'll get you a new TO when you get back, get you through the program and turn you into one of the best cops this precinct has ever seen."

Lucy makes a confused noise when Grey mentions getting her a new TO, but then she feels Tim's lips on her neck and blushes.

She knows that she and Tim need to talk, because they've crossed a line today that she doesn't think they can (or that they evenwant to) uncross, and Grey is probably right.

She's going to need a new TO.

"Get some rest,"Grey says, and they exchange goodbyes before Tim takes the phone from Lucy and hangs it up.

He doesn't move from his spot behind her even as Dani hooks Lucy up to chemo. He doesn't think he's going to move for a long time.

Instead he reaches for the new poetry book on her nightstand, the one he'd brought from her apartment, and reads to her as she falls softly, slowly, asleep.

I am sorry. Completely and terribly. I am sorry
for all the times and all the days and all the
moments I did not tell you how much you are loved.
I am sorry that you ache and that you bleed and
that you crumble so much that sometimes, it feels
as if you are going to disintegrate into a million,
hopeless pieces. I am sorry that it hurts that much
more when I have forgotten, truly forgotten, to tell
you how much I was and am now, mad for even your
pieces and I am sorry if you ever felt me when I
laid awake through the night watching you sleep
trying to think of a way to thread you back into
something whole: only because I know you wanted to
feel completed.

I am sorry for the tide that blossoms in your eyes
when you want nothing more than a calm, blue sea.
I am sorry for all the times I cannot give that to
you and I am not sorry for the times you cannot give
it to me. It does not even matter,
my love, because you are all and you are everything.
You are the grace, you are the splendor.
You are
the heaven.

You are all, all is you.

And I
I will marry your pieces.

By the time he puts the book down, Lucy is snoring softly.

Tim sighs, because he'd been about to tell her that he loved her right before Angela had called. He'd beenso closeto just kissing her and holding her and confessingeverything, but…

He sighs, because what's done is done. He'd blown his chance today, but there was always tomorrow. He'll tell her first thing tomorrow morning, he resolves, and then holds Lucy tighter before closing his own eyes and falling asleep with her wrapped in his arms.

She doesn't wake up in the morning.

Notes:

hides*

Before you come at me, please refer to the tag that mentions "no MCD" and then... don't kill me?

Chapter 15

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 5 - March 13th, 2020

Tim blinks his eyes open sleepily when Dani comes in the next morning to check Lucy's vitals and draw blood. She smiles at the way they're entwined, and Tim smiles back before blowing out a breath and burying his face into the sleep-warm skin of Lucy's neck. The material of her head wrap is soft against his nose and forehead, and he finds he doesn't miss the smell of her shampoo as much as he thought he would because she still smells likeLucy.

"Good morning," Dani whispers, and Tim hums in acknowledgement. She doesn't bother turning on the light, and it's hard to see anything in the dim glow of the various monitors and the nightlight in the corner. "You look so different without your hair," Dani continues, and she wraps the blood pressure cuff around Lucy's arm before reaching for the forehead thermometer.

"Yeah, well, she shouldn't have to go throughthatalone, too. You were right," Tim murmurs, and Dani smiles at him as she inflates the cuff and runs the thermometer over Lucy's forehead.

"Huh," she says, and Tim has spent five weeks in this hospital with Lucy.

HeknowsDani's tone and her tells at this point, and that wasnota good 'huh'.

"What?" he asks, and he hates that his entire body is immediately flooded with panic. He's always just a breath, a single word away from breaking down when before all of this happened he had beenso goodat compartmentalizing.

He's finding that, with Lucy at least, he no longer can.

"Her temperature is higher than I'd like," Dani says carefully, butfuck thatTim thinks, because the last time Lucy had a fever it had beenrough.

"What is it? How high is it?"

"103.7," Dani says, and Tim can hear the way her voice cracks. She's trying to act nonchalant, but Tim can hear the worry in her voice.

He sits up and moves around in the bed until Lucy is laying on her back before reaching for the light switch beside her bed, and as soon as he gets a look at her in the light he can tell something's wrong. She's flushed and hot to the touch, and Tim wonders how he hadn't felt it while he was pressed up against her.

"That's high," he says, and Dani nods as she puts away the thermometer and blood pressure cuff.

"It is. I'm going to page her doctor and order something to bring her fever down. We'll run some tests and see if we can figure out what's causing it."

Tim nods and climbs off of the bed as Dani leaves the room, rearranging Lucy before pressing his hand to her forehead.

She's sowarm.

"Lu," he croaks, and he knows he should probably let her sleep but he needs to hear her voice. He needs to see her eyes open and he needs to reassure himself that she's OK. That this is just another bump in the road.

She doesn't respond.

Tim swallows harder and reaches a hand out to shake her shoulder gently. "Lucy, wake up," he says again, and again she shows no outward sign of responding.

He'sneverhad trouble waking her. Like most cops, she wakes easily and fully, and the fact that she's not waking up now isfucking terrifying.

"Lucy," he begs, and then he turns toward the door. He doesn't want to leave her, but…

He marches quickly to her door and wrenches it open, glancing around and finding the nearest nurse. He reaches out and grabs her wrist, and he feels tears pooling in his eyes as he whispers, "She won't wake up or respond to me," and he should haveknownthat saying something like that with tears in his eyes would bring down the full force of the hospital on Lucy's room, but he's still surprised when he's shoved to the side as nurses and doctors flood her room, a red crash cart in tow.

He watches in shock as Lucy's vitals are rechecked, as something is pushed into her IV, and as various nurses and doctors try to wake her.

None of them can.

"Draw blood for preliminary testing. I want CBCs, LFTs, electrolytes, blood culture, urinalysis, and ESR run," one of the doctors orders, and the nurse nods and begins the process to collect blood as Tim leans against the wall, eyes wide and heart racing.

Please, he thinks.

His hands are shaking as he reaches for Lucy, but there are too many people surrounding her. He can't get near her or touch her, and he's crying openly by the time one of the doctors acknowledges him.

"Hey, Mr. Bradford," he says, and Tim looks up in shock to realize that it's not the first time the doctor has spoken to him. It looks like he's been trying to get his attention for a while, and Tim clears his throat and wipes his eyes before responding.

"What's wrong with her?"

The doctor shrugs, and Tim watches as the nurses begin to file out of the room.

"We don't know but a temperature this high while on chemo is dangerous. We've taken blood for testing, and we're going to do a spinal tap, CT, and MRI as precautions. Normally we would wait for the results from the blood tests to come back before ordering more tests, but I don't think we have time to waste."

"OK," Tim says, and his voice is shaky as he pushes away from the wall and walks toward Lucy's bed. He's about to reach for her hand when one of the nurses releases the brake on the bed and begins to push her toward the door. "N-now? She's going for testing now?"

The doctor nods and Tim watches as Lucy is wheeled from the room, still unresponsive.

"We'll keep you updated and have her back here soon," the doctor promises, and Tim nods, still in shock as he falls into the chair beside where Lucy's bed used to be.

He reaches for his phone and sends a text with shaking fingers.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Tim: Lucy has a high fever. 103.7. They're taking her for testing.

Nolan: Oh shit.

Jackson: Do they know why?

Tim: No. Hence the fucking testing.

He knows he's being short with them, but they'renot here. They hear that Lucy has a fever and it'sdifferent. It's different hearing it through a text than it is towatchas doctors and nurses flood her room, speaking in a shorthand that Tim doesn't understand. He has no idea what tests they're running or why, because no one had bothered to explain to him what each thing meant. All he knows is that Lucy is very sick, and that the thought of hernot getting betteris almost enough to send him over the edge.

Angela: Tim. Take a deep breath and call me when you can, OK?

Tim calls her immediately. He puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the table next to where Lucy's bed used to be because he doesn't trust himself to hold it in his shaking hands.

"Hi,"Angela greets, and Tim sits in the emptiness of Lucy's hospital room andsobs.

Angela stays on the phone with him the entire time, not speaking but just listening, and by the time Tim's sobs finally taper off, she can't help herself.

"She loves you, too, Tim,"she murmurs, and she knows that maybe it's not her place butfuckshe just listened to her best friendsobfor over ten minutes, and she's never heard him so broken before.

"I didn't tell her," Tim whispers, and he hates that he was such a coward. "I didn't tell her and now she won't wake up, Ang."

"She's pretty sick, I'll give you that. But this fever doesn't mean it's over, Tim. The fever probably has nothing to do with the cancer, even. Her immune system is trashed and every little bug she comes across is much, much worse because of it. I bet they'll put her in isolation after this, to try and prevent it from happening again. Long term isolation, that is."

"Protective isolation, yeah. They've mentioned it as a possibility a few times. They said I could still be with her as long as I adhered to the isolation rules, too," Tim whispers, and he finds himselfhopingthat they'll put her in isolation.

He can't handle scares like this every week.

"Good. That's good. Now, Bradford, what is the very first thing you're going to do when she wakes up?"

Tim chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. He wipes his eyes on his sleeve and curls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he waits in the silence for Lucy to return.

"I'm gonna tell her how I feel," he whispers, and then, softly, "Ang. How do I move on if she doesn't make it? I think… I think that, if she doesn't live, I'llneverbe able to move on. I don't…oh fuckthis is gonna hurt."

Angela makes a comforting noise on the other end of the phone as Tim curls in on himself even further.

"Let's not focus on that,"she says, and Timtries, he does, but it's all he can think about."She's responding to treatment. Her last blood work results aren't quite what they wanted, but it was progress. She's gonna beat this thing, Tim. Stay strong for her."

Tim swallows and nods even though he knows Angela can't see him.

They hang up several minutes later, after Angela exacts a promise from him that he'll call her if he needs to, and Tim navigates back to the group chat as he waits for news on Lucy.

Nolan: Tim, tell us what's happening. You can't just stop texting after dropping that bomb.

Nolan: TIM. What's going on?

Nolan: Fuck, Bradford. Tell me what's happening.

Jackson: Don't freak out, John. He's on the phone with Angela right now. We pulled over so they can talk.

Nolan: Oh, ok. Fuck, sorry. He just stopped texting and I just… sorry. Tell me as soon as you know more.

Tim: Sorry I snapped at you. We don't know much yet. She had a fever when I woke up this morning and wouldn't respond to me. We couldn't wake her up. They took her for testing but I just checked in with the nurse and she should be back soon. She still hasn't woken up, though.

Nolan: Thanks for the update. And thank you for being there with her. This is all so scary.

Tim: Oh shit they're bringing her back in now. I'll message when I know more.

Notes:

I don't know if this cliffhanger is BETTER or WORSE than the last one, honestly...

Chapter 16

Chapter Text

Week 5 - March 13th, 2020

Tim is relieved to see that Dani is one of the nurse wheeling Lucy back into the room, but he's less relieved to see that Lucy isstill asleep. He stands from his chair and lingers as they hook her back up to her IV, her heart monitor, and her pulse ox. Tim stares at the screen as her vitals appear, and he doesn't know much, but he does know that her pulse is high and her oxygen rate is low.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and Dani smiles sympathetically at him as she tucks the blanket around Lucy's body.

"We don't know yet, hon," she whispers, and the rest of the nurses leave the room but Dani stays. "I was paging her doctor when they took her away, but I caught up to them and stayed with her throughout testing."

"Yeah," Tim says, and he sits down in his chair again, reaching out and taking Lucy's hand into his. He places his pointer and middle fingers over her pulse point, even though he can hear the beeping of the heart monitor, and takes comfort in the steady, strong pulse beneath his fingertips. "They … the doctor rattled off a bunch of tests he was going to run, but I don't know what any of them mean."

Dani sits next to him and reaches for his free hand, the one that's not holding Lucy's, and she holds on tight as she talks.

"So first they ran a CBC. That's a complete blood count, and it measures several overall indicators of health. One of the things they were looking for was the presence of infection, which they found. Lucy's markers for infection were extremely high so we started her on IV antibiotics through her port. They ran her electrolytes, and those were pretty stable. Her potassium was a little low so they gave her an IV infusion of that as well. That one can be highly irritating, so we'll watch her skin carefully as it diffuses. The blood culture test was to help determinewhat kindof infection Lucy has, and that one isn't back yet. They also ran urinalysis and ESR to help rule out specific types of infection, and those came back clear. They did a spinal tap, CT, and MRI to check for various, specific types of infection. None of those are back yet, but they should be soon. For right now we're giving Lucy a high dose of Ciprofloxacin. It's strong, and it can have some side effects so we'll keep an eye on her to make sure she's not having a reaction."

Tim nods, though his brain is spinning.

"I know it's a lot," Dani says, and Tim nods again becausefuck yes it is."But I know that as a loved one, I would want to know what all of those tests were. Medical jargon can be scary, but basically we ran a bunch of tests to figure out what's causing Lucy's fever, because the faster we can pinpoint the cause, the faster we can get her better and back on track."

"Yeah," Tim whispers, and he looks up and offers Dani a small smile. "Thank you. I just…fuck,this is a lot."

"I know," Dani says again, and she squeezes Tim's hand before standing up. "We're preparing to move Lucy as well. We're putting her in protective isolation for the time being. You'll be isolated with her as well, so make sure you have everything you need."

Tim nods and stands shakily to his feet to begin gathering their stuff.

"How long will we be in isolation?" he asks, because he hates the idea of Lucy not being able to have visitors, or go to Art or Music Therapy. He hates the idea of her being trapped inside, because she's already having a hard enough time as it is.

Dani shrugs and passes Tim Lucy's toilities from the bathroom.

"We don't know. Until her white blood count is back in an acceptable range, but that might not be for a while. The chemo is really doing a number on her."

Tim swallows and nods, and they work together to pack his and Lucy's belongings in silence.

It takes over an hour to get Lucy moved, and Tim eyes their new room critically.

It's much the same as their previous room, though the main differences, Dani had told him, were a special air filtration system to keep the risk of infection lower, and the requirement that everyone entering or exiting Lucy's room would have to be in protective gear.

"We'll be limiting the number of people in and out," she explains, and Tim watches as she gears up before helping him move Lucy's things into the room. She washes and sanitizes her arms up the elbows, and then puts on a paper gown, gloves, and a medical mask. She'd made Tim wash, too, but didn't make him put on the protective gear. "If you stay in the room with Lucy during her isolation, you won't need to wear the protective gear. However, if you're planning on coming and going, you'll need to gear and wash up every time, and your visiting time will be limited."

Tim shakes his head, because fuck that.

"I'll stay with her," he says, and he thinks it would take an entire army to remove him from her side. He settles into the less comfortable chair beside her bed, and eyes the room critically.

Dani winces. "Yeah… no comfy, pull out bed in here. Looks like you're gonna have to snuggle to get any sleep at all."

Tim blushes, but … well, he hasn't been making much use of the pull out bed the past few nights anyway.

"Can I… can I sleep in the same bed while she's sick? Will I hurt her, or make it worse?" he asks, and Dani shakes her head.

"No, you've pretty much been everywhere she has this past week. You're sharing the same germs. If you had something, she's already been exposed."

Tim nods, and then he freezes, becausefuck.

"Is this my fault?" he asks in a whisper, and Dani makes an inquiring noise from where she's re-hooking Lucy to the new machines. "I flew back to California last week. I'msureI was exposed to all sorts of germs on the plane."

Oh god,he thinks. Didhecause this?

"Maybe," Dani says, and Tim's gaze snaps to meet hers. She's smiling sympathetically. "But probably not. You have to remember, we're in ahospital. There are alotof nasty bugs floating around here. And your friend Angela took her on a walk to the park while you were gone. The nurses and doctors have been in and out without protective gear a hundred times a day. There's no telling what she picked up or from whom. So don't go blaming yourself or Iwillcall Angela and have her come up here and kick your ass."

Tim chuckles because heknowsshe totally would.

"OK," he says, and he knows he'lltrynot to blame himself, but he can't help the constant barrage ofwhat ifthat runs through his brain.

"Good," Dani says, and she cups the back of his head and leans down to kiss his forehead as she passes. The material of her mask scratches against his skin, and Tim smiles a little. "Now, get some rest. Crawl in that bed with your girl and cuddle her back to health."

Tim rolls his eyes, but he's already rising from his chair and trying to decide how best to fit in beside Lucy. "That's not how it works," he says, and Dani cackles from outside of the glass isolation door as she begins to take off her protective gear. She winks at Tim, and then shrugs.

"You don't know. You didn't go to medical school."

Tim chuckles and then gently, carefully moves Lucy so that he can slide into the bed behind her. He presses his chest to her back, entwines their feet, and then lets out a sigh as he buries his face into the fever-warm skin of her neck. He breathes in deeply, basking in her scent, and then reaches to her bedside table for the lotion she loves so much. It's the one that Dani had recommended, and she puts it on every night to keep her skin from drying out.

Tim kisses Lucy's neck and her shoulder and her head, and he whispers words of love into her ear as he squeezes some of the lotion into his hand and massages it into her hands. Her impossibly small, thin hands. He massages it into her cold fingertips and her rough, dry knuckles. He massages it into her wrists, and then lets his fingers trail up her forearms, spreading the lotion over her dry elbows and her upper arms.

"Please wake up," he whispers, as he reaches for her other hand. He repeats the process, and then closes his eyes and takes a shuddering breath as she continues to breathe steadily, as her heart rate monitor beeps in a comforting rhythm.

As she continues to sleep, endlessly, without waking.

When she doesn't wake up, Tim reaches for the book on her bedside table.

He knows she loves poetry, and she loves when he reads to her, so he opens the book and starts from where he left off last time, whispering the words quietly into her ear so that no one can hear them except her and him andthem.

We speak of
stolen breaths
because it just may
be the most
beautiful magic
we have.
We live inside one
another along
with our sorrow,
dreams, and joy;
all curled into the
very breath in which
we become thieves.

I love you,
and may your breaths
like tiny sirens
in my lungs
forever, always,
call you calmly
home.

Tim falls asleep and he dreams of Lucy.

The fact that he dreams of Lucy is not the unusual part, however.

The unusual part is that he dreams ofthem.

He dreams of them in a bed in a house by the sea. The windows are open and the breeze blows gently. The sound of the waves crashing almost lulls them back to sleep as they kiss and touch each other lazily.

He doesn't know how, but heknowsin his dream that it's thefuture. It's after the chemo and the radiation and the infections. It's after she's healthy and she comes home with him.

It'safter,and Tim smiles in his sleep because he hopes with everything in him that thereisan after.

He dreams of surrounding Lucy's body with his and making love to her. He dreams about kissing every inch of her skin, of making her moan his name in pleasure. He dreams about pulling the blanket over them when they're done, of pressing his nose into her soft, short hair and breathing in the scent that's justher.

He dreams of smiles and laughter.

He dreams of little feet, and baby giggles when a toddler joins them in the bed in the house by the sea.

He dreams of cuddles and happiness andperfection.

He smiles, and he keeps dreaming.

When he wakes up, Lucy's eyes are open.

"Hey, Tim," she whispers, her voice rough and scratchy, and Tim buries his head in her shoulder andsobs.

Chapter 17

Chapter Text

Week 5 - March 13th, 2020

"Lucy," Tim whispers, and she makes a confused noise as he pulls her tighter against him. He's careful not to disturb her wires and IVs as he buries his head in her shoulder and squeezes her as tight as he possibly dares. He takes comfort in her warmth and the feel of her soft skin against his. He breathes her in and tries to commit her scent to memory.

"Tim?" she whispers, and then she coughs, a deep, wet sound that has Tim moving in an instant. He grabs her water cup from the bedside table and helps her sit up and sip on it slowly, and his heart rate doesn't calm until her coughing does.

She collapses back against his chest when she's done, and Tim presses his lips to her head and her forehead and her neck.

"You scared theshitout of me," he whispers fiercely. "Again."

"Sorry," Lucy says, and her voice is hoarse from disuse and coughing. She clears her throat and coughs again, and Tim helps her sip water until it passes.

"It's OK," Tim says, because it's not her fault.

He runs his hands up and down her arms, presses his lips to her skin again and again and again, and then he manuvers them so that they're laying on the bed side by side, face to face. He brushes his thumb across Lucy's fever flushed cheek, and the words he's longed to say to her are on the tip of his tongue as he stares into her endless brown eyes.

"Tim," Lucy whispers, and he smiles at the sound of her voice.

It seems soeasy, all of a sudden.

He'd beensoworried about her not feeling the same way, and about putting the pressure of his feelings on her when she was so sick. He'd been worried about ruining their friendship or their partnership, and he'd been worried about making her uncomfortable.

He'd been worried aboutso many things.

But as he stares into her gaze, as her chest rises and falls against his where they're pressed so closely together, it suddenly seemsso easy.

"I love you," he whispers, and he brushes his thumb across her lower lip as he murmurs the words. He watches as her eyes grow wide and he listens as her heart rate monitor spikes. "Lucy, I amso in love with you. Over the past few weeks you've somehow become the most important thing to me andI love youdesperately."

"Tim," she whispers again, and Tim doesn't think anyone else has ever said his name quite the way she does.

He memorizes the sound of her voice, the way her lips form his name, and hehopeshe'll be able to hear her say his name for a long, long time, but he'll remember this moment for the rest of his life regardless.

"You don't have to say anything back," he says, and he's still staring into her eyes as he caresses every inch of her face. He touches her cheekbones and her lips and the soft skin under eyes. He kisses her brow and her nose and her cheek, and he smiles and lets his own eyes flutter closed as he presses his forehead to hers. "I just wanted you to know."

"Tim," Lucy says again, and there's an urgency in her voice that makes Tim pull back so that he can look into her gaze once more. She's smiling, and there are tears in her eyes, and Tim feels his own pulse race as she leans forward and kisseshischeek,hisnose,hisbrow. "I love you, too."

Tim's breath catches in his throat, and he makes a desperate noise before he leans forward and presses his lips to Lucy's.

Gently.

Softly.

Sweetly,he kisses her.

It's just a simple press of lips, his soft and hers dry. He doesn't press any further before he pulls away, and when he does he sees Lucy smiling at him, her eyes closed as her tongue darts out to moisten her lips, to chase his taste.

"Tim."

"I love how you say my name," he murmurs, and she smiles as she leans forward and kisses him again.

They lay together and share lazy kisses for a long time. The isolation room is dim and quiet, no nurses coming in and out, and Tim loses himself in Lucy. He loses himself in her touch, in her taste and the way she feels. He loses himself in the lavender scent of her skin and the touch of her lips and the way she stares into his eyes like he's something magnificent.

Eventually, though, their kisses slow and their bodies relax into the bed. Lucy lays her head on Tim's arm and stares at him, but it feels different than before.

It feels heavy, and his heart begins to ache even before Lucy begins speaking.

"Tim," she whispers, and the way she says his namenowisn't the same. It's hesitant and sad, and Tim wants to go back to when she said his name inwonder.

"Lucy," he says, and he brushes his thumb across her bottom lip. "Don't, please. I know what I'm doing. I know the possibilities and thewhat ifs.I'm choosing this anyway. I'm choosingyou."

"But I could die," she whispers, and she knows it's true. She can feel the fever ravaging her body. She feels the aches and pains. She feels howweakthe chemo and radiation have made her, and she doesn't know if she's going to survive this. "I don't want to hurt you, Tim."

"It doesn't matter," Tim says, and he reaches out to cup her cheek in his palm. "It doesn't matter if we do this or not, Ilove you,Lucy, and you pushing me away doesn't change that. The only thing pushing me away will accomplish is hurting memore,because if you… if youdie,Lucy, I want every moment with you that I can get. I want every kiss and every memory.Please, Lu. Please don't push me away."

Lucy stares at him with tears in her eyes, and Tim understands why she feels like she has to put distance between them, but…

"It's going to hurt regardless. If…ifyou die, I'm going to be shattered regardless. At least this way, I can have you for every moment we have left. Whether that's a week or a year or a lifetime, I want it."

Lucy smiles and Tim brushes the tears from her cheeks as he leans forward to kiss her again.

"Okay," she says, and Tim kisses her again and again and again.

"Okay," he agrees, and then he cups the back of her head and she tucks her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder. He breathes her in greedily, and then rearranges them so that they're touching as much as they possibly can, from head to toe.

He whispers his love into her skin until he falls asleep, and when he dreams, he dreams ofthem.

To: Angela Lopez
Tim: I told her.

Angela: I'm so happy for you.

Tim: How do you know that there's anything to be happy about?

Angela: I know everything.

Tim: Liar.

Angela: Fine. She told me she loved you, too, when I was with her and you were in CA. She was … conflicted, though. She doesn't want to hurt you.

Tim: I know. She tried to push me away. I didn't let her.

Angela: Good for you.

Tim: It's going to hurt if she dies no matter what.

Angela: Yes, but you can't think like that, Tim. She's going to be fine. She's going to make it. She's a fighter and you are, too. Don't let her give up.

Angela: Also I'm coming up next weekend to tag you out for a bit. You need a break. Dani and I are going to plan something to bring Lucy's spirits up.

Tim: If she's still in isolation I won't leave. If I do I won't be allowed back in without protective gear.

Angela: Think positive, Bradford! It's a week and a half away!

Angela: [image of a cat hanging from a tree that says "hang in there!"]

Tim: You're not funny.

Angela: I so am and you love me.

Dani comes in later that afternoon in full protective gear, which just reinforces how serious the situation is. She takes Lucy's vitals and draws blood, and then perches on the edge of the bed. She grins at the two of them, a knowing look in her eyes as she takes in how they're entwined and holding onto each other desperately.

"Angela texted me."

Tim rolls his eyes.

"Of course she did."

"Not that she needed to," Dani continues, and she smiles as she reaches out and pats Lucy's leg. "Anyone with half a brain can see how hopelessly in love you two are. It's sickening, really."

Tim grumbles something under his breath and Lucy giggles, elbowing him in the stomach. He smiles at her and maybe Dani is right. He reallyishopelessly in love with her.

"So we got some test results back. Turns out Lucy has developed pneumonia. We're keeping her on the antibiotics and adding in breathing treatments. Our respiratory therapist will be by soon for Lucy's first treatment. Once we knock this thing out, we can get right back to chemo and get you back on track."

Tim notices the way she has to force her smile as she finishes her sentence, and he sighs as he holds Lucy closer. The bed is in a sitting position now, with Tim leaning against the back of it and Lucy leaning against Tim.

He hasn't been able to let her go since they'd admitted their feelings.

He's not sure he'll ever be able to let her go again.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and Dani sighs.

"You're perceptive, aren't you?"

Tim shrugs and kisses Lucy's head.

"Just tell us."

"Well… Lucy, your latest blood tests show that there hasn't been any progress since your last test, which likely has to do with the amount of chemotherapy sessions you've missed. The doctor isn't concerned yet; he'll round in a little bit to give you more details. The good thing is that it hasn'tgotten worse.Your numbers have stayed stable, so as soon as you're better and we continue chemo, we should continue to see improvement."

"Okay," Lucy whispers, and she sighs, her eyes fluttering closed as she leans back against Tim.

It's hardnotto be discouraged, but she's trying.

"You're gonna beat this," Tim whispers, and Lucy sighs as she melts back into him.

Shehopes.

She's been planning, in the back of her mind, how to lessen the impact when she dies. She's been secretly trying to accept the inevitable, but here, in Tim's arms with his lips on her neck and his chest rising and falling against her as he breathes, shehopes.

"Read to me," she whispers, and Tim kisses her on the temple as he reaches for her poetry book.

She watches as the bare branches of the trees sway in the wind outside, and basks in the warmth of the sun and Tim's arms as he reads, and shehopes.

I am yours.
I am yours as the stars
belong to the sky
and I am yours as

the rivers belong
to the sea.
I am yours as your tears

belong to your eyes
and I am yours
as your lungs belong
to the pattern in which

you breathe.

Chapter 18

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 6 - March 20th, 2020

Lucy's stay in isolation lasts through the rest of the week and into the weekend, and Tim can tell that being unable to go anywhere or do any of her therapies or activities is beginning to wear on her. He does everything he can to lift her spirits, and he thinks they're doing well, all things considered, especially now that he can tell her he loves her whenever he wants and now that he can hold her in his arms and kiss her.

They dofinein isolation through the weekend.

It's Monday morning when everything falls apart.

Tim is helping Lucy with some of her OT activities when the hospital phone rings.

He frowns at it, because their friends call or texthisphone if they need something. Or Lucy's, if he doesn't respond, though since she sleeps so much her phone is dead more often than not (and honestly, he should make more of an effort to keep it charged, but she just doesn't need it very much).

Lucy is doing some stretches on her patterned quilt on the floor and it takes her a minute to get up and down, so Tim kisses her on the head as he stands up to answer the phone.

"Hello, Tim Bradford speaking," he says, and there's silence on the other end for a few seconds.

"We are trying to reach Lucy Chen's room,"the woman on the other end says, and Tim frowns.

"This is her room. May I ask who is calling?"

"This is hermother.May I ask whoyou are?"

Tim winces and then glances back down at Lucy where she's trying to reach her toes. She gets tired easily and she sounds a little out of breath, and this doesn't seem like a good time.

She'd talked about her parents to him exactly one time, and it hadn't been a happy conversation.

"I'm Tim, her… boyfriend," he says, and Lucy looks up from the floor to smile widely at him. Her cheeks are flushed from exertion, and her eyes are glazed with exhaustion, and this isreally not the time.

There's silence on the other end of the phone for so long that Tim thinks her mother may have hung up.

"Hello?"

"I'm still here. I'm just… so disappointed about everything Lucy isn't telling us about these days. Apparently the fact that she's seeing someone isn't something she feels she can tell hermotherabout."

Tim sighs and rubs a hand over his eyes. Lucy looks at him curiously and he covers the speaker with his hand before murmuring, "It's your mother."

He can see the way her face falls and he sighs, because she'd been doing so well today.

He turns back to the phone.

"Now isn't really a good time," he says, and he winces when her mother begins yelling.

"Iknowit's not a good time, because my daughter is in thehospitaland shedidn't even tell me! I want to speak to her now."

Tim turns to see that Lucy has pushed herself off of the floor and is trying to sit back on her bed. He tucks the phone between his ear and his shoulder and helps her up, tucking the blanket around her lap when she shivers, and he stares at her in concern. He's half tempted to hang the phone up and not make Lucy deal with this, but…

"I can do it," she whispers, and she holds out her hand.

Tim pauses for a few seconds more, and then hands the phone over with a sigh.

Lucy takes a deep breath and tries to smile, hoping that she can force some pep into her voice as she greets her mother.

"Hey, mom."

"Lucy! I got a call from the hospital aboutfreezing your eggs?Why are you in the hospital? Why are you freezing your eggs? What is going on, young woman?"

Lucyknowsshe dropped the ball on contacting her parents, but she hadn't wanted to deal with their attitudes and their judgment about her life choiceson topof everything else she was dealing with.

"I'm sick. I have uterine cancer, mom. I'm getting treatment, though. I'm fine."

"Uterine cancer? Lucy, what the hell? Why didn't you call us? You know, if you'd settled down and had a few babies instead of chasing this ridiculous dream about being a police officer you wouldn't have this problem. Having children keeps you from getting uterine cancer, you know."

Lucy bites her lip and she's not sure if she's going to cry or scream when she speaks next. She doesn't want to do either, but her mother always knowsjusthow to get under her skin.

"That'swhy, mom. That, tight there, isexactly whyI didn't tell you. I didn't knowhowyou were going to turn this around on me and makehaving cancermyfault, but I knew you would. Iknewyou would. I… I didn't tell you because you and dad are always so fuckingunsupportive, and …"

She cuts herself off as the tears begin to fall from her eyes, because she'dknown.

She'dknownthat her parents wouldn't be able to offer the support that she needed, but she'd hadno ideathat her mother would be able to spin hercancer diagnosisinto yet another reason why she shouldn't have become a cop.

"I'm really sick, mom. The doctors gave me a thirty-six percent chance of survival when this began, and it's not really gotten any better. So, if you're going to be …you,then—"

She cuts herself off when her mother begins yelling again, and she presses the plastic of the phone into her forehead until it hurts. The pain helps her focus a little, but before she can put the phone back to her ear to hear exactlywhather mother is yelling about, Tim reaches out and gently takes the phone from her.

"Ma'am, this is Tim Bradford. Lucy is sick and she doesn't need this. If you don't stop yelling I'm going to hang up the phone."

Vanessa takes a deep breath, and then continues."You cannot tell me what to do. I am her mother, and if she had listened to me then this wouldn't be happening. And in fact, you're another thing she hasn't listened to me about! Why did she tellyouand not her ownfamily?"

Tim doesn't really want to dignify that with a response, so he changes tactics.

Lucy tugs on his arm and mouthseggs?And Tim looks briefly confused before putting it all together in a moment of terrible clarity.

"You're Lucy's emergency contact. Did the hospital call you about freezing her eggs when she didn't answer her phone?"

"Yes! And that's another thing! Why is she freezing her eggs? I just don't understand. If she'd just done what I'd told her and settled down, married a nice boy and had a family, instead of becoming acop, then this—"

Tim really has had enough, and he knows it's rude and that it won't solve the problem, but he hangs up the phone.

Lucy gasps and stares up at him with wide eyes. He just smiles and shrugs and nudges her arm to get her to move over in the bed.

"You hung up on mymom," she says, and her voice is scandalized.

"Well, she's never going to like me anyway," Tim reasons, and he smiles even though it hurts a little that Lucy's family will never approve of him. " I'm a cop, too, so I'm basically all of your bad life choices rolled into the world's worst boyfriend."

Lucy chuckles, but Tim can tell her heart isn't in it. He crawls into the bed beside her and lays them down, knowing that she could use the comfort.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, because it had never occurred to him to askwhyshe hadn't told her parents or why they hadn't visited. "I'm sorry that they're blaming you for this. Thisisn'tyour fault, Lucy," he whispers, and he kisses her neck as he wraps his arms around her.

"I know," Lucy says, and then she turns around so she's facing him. She reaches a hand up and cups his chin, rubbing her thumb back and forth across the stubble she finds there, and then leans forward to kiss him. He sighs and melts into the kiss, deepening it as much as he dares before pulling back and resting his forehead on hers.

They're silent for several moments before Lucy sighs and begins talking as she plays with the material of Tim's t-shirt.

"I knew she'd do that, so that's why I didn't call. I didn't want to deal with them, honestly. I had enough to worry about. They've never been supportive, so why would they be now? And I was right."

Tim nods in understanding, because he knows something about shitty parents.

"I'm sorry, baby," he murmurs, and he kisses her temple as he twines their feet together.

"I don't want them here," Lucy continues, because this is important. "I don't want them to have access to my medical files or be able to visit. I don't want tosee them.Maybe when I'm better we can work on mending fences, but… chemo, radiation,thisis already hard enough. If they don't want to support me, then I don't want them here."

"OK," Tim says, because that's easy. "When Dani rounds next we'll ask her to change your emergency contacts and see if they can put a note in your file that they're not allowed in unless you approve it."

"Will… willyoube my emergency contact?" Lucy asks, and she glances up from where she's laid her head on Tim's chest. "Just because you've been here the whole time, and you know everything, and …"

Tim cuts her off by pressing a finger to her lips. "Of course, Lucy. Of course I'll do that for you."

Lucy smiles and buries her head in Tim's chest, breathing in his scent. She can feel her heartbeat calming as she takes in deep breaths. Even though they've been in the hospital for a month and a half, he still smells likeTim.He still smells like something spicy and warm andcalming, and she loves his scent.

They lay in silence for a long time, breathing in tandem and taking comfort in the touch of the other. Tim has becomeverytactile since he first admitted he loved her, and Lucylovesit. She loves this Tim, who touches her and holds her and kisses her endlessly. Who whispers his love into her skin over and over and over until she justhasto believe him.

She loves this Tim who traveled across the country before they were even reallyfriends, much lessmore, and she hopes desperately she'll be able to have a future with him.

Afamily.

"I guess I missed a call from Cedars-Sinai," she whispers after a long silence. "My phone is always dead. I wonder… I wonder what they were calling to say."

"Your mom said it was about your eggs," Tim murmurs, and he had pretty much forgotten that they had asked the doctors to harvest her eggs during her hysterectomy if they could so that she'd have the option of having a family later in life if she wanted to.

"I wonder if they were able to find any to save," she says, her voice low and soft, and Tim reaches for his phone on the bedside table.

"Let's call them and find out," he says, and he presses the phone into Lucy's hand because this isherconversation. They'rehereggs andherfuture, and as much as he's finding that he wants (desperately) to be a part of that future and that family, he knows they're not ready for that yet.

Lucy smiles and takes the phone, and Google searches the hospital's number before pressing the phone to her ear.

It rings, and she waits, her heart in her throat.

Notes:

I keep hoping on the show that Lucy will set some healthy boundaries with her parents since they're so unsupportive and terrible to her. But, if she won't on the show, then I'll do it for her in Fic.

Chapter 19

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 7 - March 25th, 2020

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford
Angela: We're ready for our flight! It was just going to be me, but somehow these two idiots managed to get the weekend off, too! [Image of Nolan & Jackson making faces at the camera]. See you soon!

Tim: Lucy will be excited. We've been in isolation for two fucking weeks and she's tired of my face.

Nolan: Somehow I doubt that.

Jackson: Youdohave a pretty face.

Tim: Why does no one fear me anymore?

Jackson: Angela has been sharing all of your secrets. You're not as tough and mean as you'd like the rookies to believe.

Tim: When we get back I'm going to have Grey make you my rookie for a few days, West. You'll see how scary I can be.

Jackson: Bring it.

Angela: Don't get too cocky, Jackson. He may be a big softy deep down, but he takes training his rookiesveryseriously.

Tim: Especially for you. Holy shit we're releasing you onto the streets of LAunassistedin less than eight months.

Angela: We all started out like this, Bradford. Be nice.

Tim: I didnotstart out like West.

Nolan: Everyone be nice. How is Lucy?

Tim: She's sleeping right now. But other than being bored out of her mind, she's good. She started chemo again a few days ago once her labs came back clear of infection, but they're keeping us in protective isolation as a precaution. Lucy has had too many scares in too few weeks, so we're playing it safe.

Nolan: That's probably a good idea. Oh, hey, did she ever hear anything from the doctor at Cedars about her, uh, eggs?

Tim: Yes. There are a handful of viable ones, so she's pretty excited about that. She also changed her emergency contacts there as well, just so you guys are aware. That way if her parents try to find out information through you…

Angela: We won't tell them anything, don't worry. And yay! I'm so happy for Lucy. This whole situation sucks, but she's always wanted to be a mom. I'm glad she has the chance.

Tim: Me too.

There's a brief silence in the group chat, and Tim justknowsthat Angela is gearing up to say something embarrassing about the whole egg situation, so he changes the topic of conversation.

Tim: You guys can visit when you get here, but it'll probably be one at a time and in full isolation gear.

Angela: Will you get to leave? You could use a break, Tim.

Tim: No. If I leave isolation I can't come back in without being in full gear.

Angela: When will she be out of isolation? I was hoping to take over for a while and tag you out. You need some time away, even if it's just to go to the gym and take a nap on arealbed.

Tim: They don't know. It could be like this for the rest of her treatment, depending on if her white cell count comes back up or not. She's neutropenic, but the only way to give her time to get her white cell count up is to stop chemo, which we've done too much already. So… here we are.

Angela: I'm sorry, Tim. That sucks. But I'm glad Lucy is getting the care she needs. What can we bring you guys? We'll make a Walmart run after we land. And seriously, Bradford, be a little selfish here. What do you guyswant? Fun snacks you're not getting in the hospital? Fuzzy blankets? Games? Ooooh, new board games. Jackson, remind me to find some fun, 2-player games.

Jackson:

Tim: I'll ask Lucy when she wakes up. Board games sound good. Maybe a few puzzles. Lucy likes puzzles. Definitely snacks, if I have to eat hospital food much longer I'm going to lose it. Oh, and a veggie burger with extra pickles and fries for Lucy, please.

Angela: Got it. What doyouwant?

Tim: Burger and fries. Extra cheese, extra grease. ETA?

Angela: Probably around 7 tonight. We're boarding now. I'll call you when we land!

Tim: Be safe.

Tim and Lucy are entwined on her bed when Angela FaceTimes them, and Tim doesn't even think about how it'll look before Angela isawww-ingand Nolan and Jackson are smiling knowingly into the phone. Tim rolls his eyes and curls his arm tighter around Lucy, because why the fuck not.

He's herboyfriendand he can cuddle her if he wants to.

"Well, we're at Walmart. We're heading to the snack aisle first. Lucy, you were sleeping earlier when we were talking. What are your favorite snacks?"

Lucy smiles from her spot leaning against Tim's chest. She sighs and shrugs, and she'sthis closeto falling asleep again. She's almost finished with her chemo for the day, and so far (fingers crossed) she hasn't gotten nauseous, though she is exhausted.

"Sour gummy worms," she says, and Angela chuckles but heads toward the candy first.

"What about chips? I don't think you realize the extent to which we want to spoil you."

Lucy chuckles and then smiles up at Tim when he kisses her head.

"Be selfish," he murmurs, parroting Angela's words from earlier, and Lucy turns back to the phone.

"Cheddar Sun Chips. And… how about oatmeal cream pies?"

Jackson is taking notes on a piece of paper while Angela searches for and then adds sour gummy worms to the cart.

"Bradford?"

Tim thinks for a moment and then shrugs. "I don't care. A bag of mixed chocolate maybe?"

Angela walks them through all of the snack aisles, and by the time she's done Lucy isn't quite sure where they're going to store all of the snacks their friends are buying for them.

"Onward to the games!"she says, and Jackson and Nolan take the phone from her as she begins to push the cart across the store with purpose.

"Hey, Lu," Nolan says softly, and Lucy smiles at him.

God, shemissesher best friends.

She misses late nights with Nolan and Jackson, staying up too late studying, drinking too much and ending up all curled together and passed out on the couch. She misses early morning runs and late night gripe sessions where they complain about their TOs (though, Lucy supposes she's biased now, being in love with her former TO and all).

"Hi," she whispers, and she smiles as she lays her head on Tim's chest. Her ear is pressed right over his heart, and she listens to the comfortingthump-thump-thumpof his heartbeat as she talks. "Thanks for coming down to visit. I know it's not going to be much fun while I'm in isolation."

Nolan scoffs."Fun is not the point, Lu. We're here to support you and spoil you and take your mind off of everything for a little while. Hopefully next time we come down we can spring you for a little bit, take a walk outside or at the very least get you out of your room for a while."

"That sounds nice," Lucy says, and it does. She's glad,so glad, that she has Tim with her — he's made her weeks-long isolation bearable — but she longs for the day she has more freedom. Even the ability to walk down the hallway would be nice. It would besomething,at least. "I can't wait to see you."

"We can't wait to see you, too,"Jackson says, and he takes the phone from Nolan. He smiles at Lucy and shemissesthem so much her chest aches."We're going to get you some games and puzzles to keep you busy, and then we'll be on our way."

"Ok," Lucy says, and she finds herself just smiling at her friends as they reach the game aisle and begin arguing about which ones would be best. Tim chuckles when Angela tells Nolan that he's far too old for his opinion on board games to be valid, and Lucy likes the way she feels his chest vibrate and rumble under her head.

"Love you," Tim whispers, for no reason other than that hedoes,desperately, and Lucy glances up, smiling and pecking him on the lips softly before laying her head back down.

"Love you, too," she murmurs, and Jackson makes a long, drawn outawwwwwwnoise. Lucy rolls her eyes and blushes, but keeps smiling, because she loves Tim and she's not afraid for her friends to know.

"Cats or birds?"Angela asks, and Lucy makes a noise of confusion before glancing at the screen again."Nevermind, both,"Angela decies, and puts both puzzles in the cart."OK. We're almost done. We'll see you soon, lovebirds."

"See you soon," Lucy says, and she waves as Tim takes the phone. He says his own goodbyes and then hangs up, placing his phone gently on the bedside table before sliding down in the bed until they're both laying down. He pulls the blankets up over Lucy's shoulders, and she knows that he hasn't missed the way her eyes keep drooping, or how exhausted she is.

"Sleep until they get here," he murmurs, and Lucy nods, yawns, and curls closer to his warm body. He kisses her bare head, and Lucy sighs in contentment as she closes her eyes.

He reaches for their poetry book, because it's theirthingnow, and reads.

She falls asleep between one poem and the next, surrounded by Tim's love.

We laid in bed

and watched the clocks

around us dance

until time to us,

was only the rise

and fall of our

ruptured heartbeats.

We kissed and we kissed

until we knew no other taste

and we no longer understood

the pattern of a day as

we fell in love with the

colors and the world

between each other's

eyelids.

Dani manages to bend a few rules and allows everyone in Lucy's room at the same time, though shedoesstand over their shoulders and makes them scrub their hands and arms up to the elbows more than once. She makes sure their masks are on correctly and tells them not to touch or kiss Lucyat all.They agree, and then Dani finally releases them.

Lucy is sleeping when they enter, and Tim hates to wake her up, but he knows she wouldloveto see their friends, and besides, she can always sleep later.

It's not like they're going anywhere.

"Lu," he murmurs, and he brushes his hand over her the soft, silky wrap on her head and then down her neck and shoulder. She moans softly as she comes awake and snuggles further into Tim, and Angela stares at them with actual heart eyes.

"Oh my god you're so cute," she says, and Tim sends her a grumpy look before turning his attention back to Lucy.

"They're here," he says softly, and Lucy blinks her eyes open just as Nolan and Jackson finish lugging the bags inside of the room. Dani very pointedly hands them a container of sanitizing wipes, and Jackson and Nolan take them and begin wiping down everything they've brought. Anything they can't wipe gets sprayed with disinfectant spray, and Lucy blinks in confusion.

"What's happening?"

"Germs," Dani says, and Tim can tell she's grinning even though she's wearing a mask. "We're not letting you get sick again, hon. If it can't be disinfected, you can't have it."

She reinforces her point by turning the disinfectant on Jackson and Nolan, spraying their clothes down even as they protest. She winks at Lucy, and then, when she deems everything clean enough, turns to leave the room.

"I'll be back later with your meds, Lucy," she says, and Lucy waves as Tim helps her sit up. He carefully maneuvers out from behind her and grabs the controller to raise her bed. Once it's in a sitting position he makes sure Lucy is comfortable with pillows and blankets, and then stands back, eyeing her critically.

"I'm fine, Tim," she says, and she squeezes his hand before sighing and turning toward their friends and the multiple reusable shopping bags full of goodies that they've brought. "Hi," she says, and Jackson is practically vibrating in place.

"Hi. Can I hug you?"

"NO!"Dani shouts from the other side of the glass, and Jackson's eyes widen as he glances back at her before turning to Lucy. She giggles at him and shrugs.

"Dani says no, and she's the one in charge of all the sharp needles, so we'll have to pass this time."

Jackson pouts but takes a seat in the chair next to her bed. "Timgets to hug you."

"That's Officer Bradford to you," Tim corrects him, glaring as he sits on the edge of Lucy's bed. "And I've been isolated with her for two weeks. I don't have any germs she doesn't have."

Angela waggles her eyebrows suggestively and Lucy blushes as Nolan begins to take the games and puzzles out of the bag, ignoring all of them and their antics.

"So!" he says, smiling as he arranges the puzzles in a pile. "We got you three 500 piece puzzles; they should keep you busy for a while. We got a dog one, because I know you love dogs, and then the cats and the birds, and Angela and Jackson nearly had a throwdown in the game aisle over which ones to get you. We ended up getting Uno Attack, because that's always a fun time, and Monopoly because the one here at the hospital ismissing pieces, which is a travesty. Scrabble, Checkers, and Battleship are all classics, of course," he says, and he stacks each new game as he takes it out of the bag. "Then we gotDo You Know Me? because we figured that you and Tim haven't been together that long so there must still besomemystery, plus it would be fun to play while we're here, andNever Have I Ever,because that'salways… enlightening."

Lucy stares at the towering pile of puzzles and games, and then at the second bag of snacks that Jackson sits on the floor beside her bed, and her eyes fill with tears.

"Thank you," she whispers, and Tim leans over to kiss her temple. She reaches for and takes his hand into hers, holding onto it tightly. "You guys…thank you."

"Of course," Nolan says, and Lucy can see that he desperately wants to hug her, too, but he holds himself back because he doesn't want to get her sickorrisk the wrath of Dani. "We love you so much, Lu. We miss you."

"We do," Jackson agrees, and he leans forward in his chair, clasping his gloved hands together as he eyes the stack of games. "So, what do you want to play first?"

Lucy points toNever Have I Ever,and Tim winces, because this is going to be…interesting.

Angela claps her hands in glee and then glances at Tim, winking as she takes the game and then clears the table.

"Oh,thisis going to be great."

Notes:

Ok so I'm indecisive here. I have this story mapped out for 31 chapters IF I only write a chapter for every other week of Lucy's treatment. For example, the next chapter would be week 9, then week 11.

OR I could just write I how it flows and it could end up MUCH longer.

Thoughts?

Chapter 20

Chapter Text

Week 7 - March 27th, 2020

"Oh, shit, this is the 18 version."

Angela laughs and rolls her eyes as Tim stares at the box with a panicked expression on his face.

"Of course it is, seeing as how we're alladults. OK, so here's how you play. It's super simple. We go in a circle, each drawing a card. You read the card you draw out loud, and anyone who has done that thing,normally,has to take a drink. Since we can't drink in the hospital, we're going to play middle school rules. Everyone starts with 5 or 10 points, you can play either way. We can use these," she says, and she grabs a bag of jelly beans from the snack bag and passes them out. "Every time youhavedone something on the card, you eat a jelly bean, and when you run out, you're out of the game. Last man standing islameand loses based on the fact that they've never done anything exciting."

"We should start with ten," Jackson says, and then adds, "Or I'm going to be outwaytoo soon."

Lucy giggles as she leans back against Tim's chest and nods. "Me, too."

"Oh god I'm going to learn so much about everyone here that Idon't want to know," Tim moans, though if he's being honest, he's excited to learn aboutLucy."Who goes first?"

"Sounds like you just volunteered," Nolan says, and he's grinning more widely than Tim feels strictlycomfortablewith.

"Fine."

He takes the stack of cards and shuffles them, sighing again as he lays them down on the little table between Lucy's bed and the chairs their friends have pulled up around it.

He reaches for a card and then groans, becausereally?

"Never have I ever touched myself while thinking about someone I currently work with."

Everyonereaches for and eats a jelly bean, and while chewing Angela slaps the table repeatedly with her open palm.

"Oh my god,I forgot a rule that me and my friends used to play by. I'm making an amendment to the rules here and now. After everyone says if they've done it or not, they have to tellthe story. You can pass if you don't want to share, but you lose a second point, or a second jelly bean. So, spill."

Tim is opening his mouth to complain when he sees the wide smile stretched across Lucy's face, and this is the happiest she's been indays, so he sighs and bites back his response.

He'll do it, if it makes her happy.

Angela goes first.

"I havedefinitelygotten off thinking about a variety of people I work with, but most recently, there's this guy from the DAs office, Wesley. He's, you know, a bit of a shit since he's a lawyer, butdamn,he's hot. Next."

Jackson raises his hand and then grins. "Angela, will you protect me if …anyonetries to fire me?"

Angela rolls her eyes. "What happens in isolation, stays in isolation. No one will get fired foranythingthey say during this game."

"Well then," Jackson says, and he leans back in his chair, his lips stretched into a smile. "I havedefinitelythought about Bradford while getting off."

Tim's head whips around so fast he tweeks his neck. His eyes are wide and full of disbelief, becausewhat?

Jackson shrugs. "Sorry, not sorry. You're hot, dude. And there's something about the way you bark orders. Like in reality that shit doesn't fly with me, but fantasies arefantasiesfor a reason."

"I...thank you,I guess?" Tim says, and his voice breaks in the middle though he tries not to let it. He quickly changes the topic, and explains, "I, uh, I've gotten off to … to thoughts of Lucy."

He blushes, but Angela just rolls her eyes.

"You guys aredating,Tim, and not able to do anything about the crazy amount of sexual tension between you since you're in thehospital.Of courseyou have."

"Right," Tim says, because hehas, several times, since they've been in isolation. The shower is the only place he has any privacy, and he definitely uses it to his advantage. And heknowshe could stop here and leave it at that. Heshouldstop here, and not say anything else, but he doesn't know what takes over him as he adds, "But like, before everything happened, too."

Lucy turns to stare at him, a twinkle in her eye, and then leans up to kiss him on the cheek. She whispers in his ear, "You'll have to show me, one day," and Tim thinks he mightdieon the spot.

"Y-your turn," he says instead, and Lucy hums.

"I haven't had the energy for anything recently, but… I've gotten off a time or two thinking about Tim," she whispers, because he's hot, and commanding, and he'd been a bit of a dick before she'd gotten sick, sure, but he isattractiveand she is only so strong. She only had so much self control, and what she did in the privacy of her bedroom washer business. "He's the most recent, anyway."

Jackson holds up a hand. "Themost recent? Are there othersat the station?"

"Yes,but I already shared. Nolan's turn."

She turns to look at Nolan and bites her lip, because this isn't really how she wants to tell Tim that she and Nolan used to be a thing, but… well, better now than later, she supposes.

Nolan, however, surprises her.

He reaches for and eats a second jelly bean, and Lucy smiles when he winks at her.

"Lame," Jackson says, reaching out a foot to kick Nolan, but he just shrugs.

"My choice. I don't want to share, so, next question."

Lucy reaches for a card and cackles as she reads it out loud.

"Never have I ever had sex in a public place."

Angela and Jackson both reach for their jelly beans and Nolan's eyebrows reach new heights as they chew.

Jackson goes first this time.

"While we were at the academy. I hooked up with a guy at a party, in the living room. Everyone else was too drunk to realize what was happening, but, you know,it happened."

Angela waves her hand in the air excitedly, and then says, "So this was like…foreverago, so it probably shouldn't count. But I was 17. My boyfriend and I had sex in the back of the truck during a campfire with our friends. I broke up with him right after, which was probably not like, super sensitive of me? But oh well."

Lucy laughs and leans her head on Tim's chest, and she glances up to see him already looking down at her. She blushes, and she's definitelynotimagining hooking up with him somewhere public.

Definitelynot.

"Next," Tim says, and he nudges the deck toward Angela. She leans forward and grabs a card, reading it out loud before putting it in the discard pile.

"Never have I ever shoplifted."

No one eats a jelly bean, and Angela rolls her eyes.

"Oh my god we're all solame."

"We're police officers," Tim counters, and he smiles as he rests his chin on Lucy's head. He should probably feel awkward cuddling with Lucy while all their friends are in the room, but he doesn't. And besides, it's like… incidental cuddling, because he'd only crawled up to sit behind her in the bed to help support her since she has trouble sitting on her own for long periods of time.

"Whatever. Next."

Jackson draws a card and glances around the room, grinning at each person before he reads it. "Never have I ever hooked up with someone twice my age."

Lucy stares at her jelly beans and then reaches for one, eating it with a grimace, and then groans out loud when she realizes that she's theonlyone to eat a jelly bean.

"Oh, come on!Really?"

Angela shrugs. "I date men who are younger, as a general rule."

"Cougar," Jackson whispers, and Angela elbows him in the stomach. He winces and glares at her briefly, but she ignores him in favor of dropping her head in her hands andstaringat Lucy, her eyes twinkling.

"So?" Angela asks, and she's smiling in a way that lets Lucy know that Talia had never told her about Lucy dating Nolan.

Lucy eyes her jelly beans and then quickly eats a second one.

She'll tell Tim, shewill,she just doesn't think she should tell him while they're in a room full of their friends.

"Party pooper," Jackson accuses, eyes narrowed, and Lucy blushes and sticks her tongue out at him.

Her eyes flicker toward where Nolan is sitting, though, and Tim notices.

He hasquestions, though he knows that now isdefinitelynot the time to ask. And, to be fair, he doesn't have a right to judge her based on who she hooked up with before they were together. Heaven knows he'd made some of his own terrible choices, butstill.

Nolan?

He shakes his head and kisses Lucy on the cheek, though, because he can tell she's feeling awkward and uncomfortable about the situation.

He doesn't ever want her to feel uncomfortable, and hedefinitelydoesn't want her to feel ashamed of what she'd done or who she'd done it with. It was her body and her life and her choice, and he didn't have the right to be jealous about anything that happened before he was her boyfriend.

"It doesn't matter who you were with before, baby. I love you no matter what," he whispers in her ear, and he can feel her relax into him. She sighs and turns her head, catching his lips with her own, and Tim has never been a fan of PDA, but it's a brief, chaste kiss. It's a kiss that conveys gratitude and love, not a heated kiss, and he returns it before breaking away and pressing another kiss to her temple.

"Love you, too," Lucy whispers, and Tim turns his gaze back to their group of friends just in time to seeall of themstaring at him and Lucy.

"Fuck off," he says, and Angela laughs out loud.

"You're just really cute together. I love that you're so happy, Tim," she whispers, and the moment is heavier than Tim had been expecting when they'd started playing the game.

"Thanks," he says, and he smiles softly as he runs his fingers down Lucy's neck. "Iamhappy."

There's a beat of silence where everyone just kind ofgrinsat them, and Tim clears his throat awkwardly.

"Anyway. It's my turn again."

He reaches for the next card, and he realizes he's havingfundespite his reservations about the game.

Maybe he shouldn't have been so quick to judge this game, because -

(He finally processes the text on the card and groans.)

Never have I ever gotten a tattoo.

Shit. He's never going to live this one down.

Chapter 21

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 7 - March 27th, 2020

"Never have I ever gotten a tattoo," Tim reads out cautiously, and then grimaces as he glances around the group.

Lucy begins talking about hesitation.

"You all know I haveseveraltattoos," she says, and Tim watches as she leans forward and reaches for a jelly bean. She pops it in her mouth and chews as she begins to show her tattoos off. First she points to the one on her neck, and then she turns round and tugs down her t-shirt to show off the larger tattoo on her back. "There's more, but they're in … more private places."

Lucy blushes and Tim grins, and he wonders if he'll ever be able to find and explore those tattoos.

Hewill, he tells himself. They won't be in this hospital forever.

He'll worship every inch of skin. He'll find all of her tattoos and trace every inch of ink with his fingers and his tongue, and—

He's snapped out of his thoughts when the others begin talking.

"I've got one," Angela says, and then explains, "I also won't be showing it off, but it's of a butterfly. I got it when I was 18."

"None for me," Nolan explains, and he sits back in his chair and turns to Jackson, who shrugs and reaches for a jelly bean.

"One, on the side of my chest. My badge number."

Tim raises an eyebrow and Jackson shrugs. "It's important to me. Thisjobis important to me. It's what I've always wanted to do, you know?"

"That's… strangely kind of sweet," Angela remarks, and then she turns to Tim, a small smile on her lips. "No tattoos for you, Bradford?"

She's noticed that he hasn't eaten a jelly bean yet.

Hecouldlie, and say no. No oneexpectshim to have a tattoo.

But…

He reaches for a jelly bean and pops it in his mouth, and the uttersilencethat descends over the room is almost worth it.

Without speaking Tim reaches for the left sleeve of his t-shirt. He pulls it up until it's tucked under his arm and a line of simple, black birds traveling a line up his shoulder is revealed.

"One for each of the men I lost in Fallujah," he explains simply, and then he draws in a shocked gasp when Lucy reaches out to touch them. There's a little frown on her face, and Tim knows she's counting them.

He knows how many there are without even looking.

Seven.

He'd lost seven men under his command.

"They're beautiful," Lucy murmurs, and Tim smiles at her. He's opening his mouth to say something (he's not sure what) when she leans forward and presses her cold, chapped lips to the first bird. Tim takes a deep, shuddering breath, and then lets his eyes flutter closed as she traces the path of birds.

"I'll tell you about them sometime," Tim whispers, and he leans forward to kiss Lucy's temple.

"I'd like that," she says, pulling back, and Tim forgets for a moment that their friends are in the room.

"That was unexpectedly deep," Jackson quips, and Tim turns to glare at the younger man. He holds up his hands in surrender and Tim rolls his eyes.

"Whatever. Next card."

Angela takes the next one from the stack and snorts before reading it out loud.

"Never have I ever gone skinny dipping."

Everyone except Tim takes and eats a jelly bean, and Lucy smiles as she lays back on his chest and looks up at him. "It's fun. I'll show you sometime."

Tim grins; he likes the sound of that. "I'll hold you to it."

Jackson draws the next card and read it to the room. "Never have I ever faked an orgasm."

Angela and Lucy both eat a jelly bean.

"Why do girls fake, anyway?" Jackson asks, and he seems genuinely confused. Which is probably fair since he's gay and has never been with a woman. "Like, can't you just tell the guy you didn't come and he can finish you off with his hands or something?"

"It's an ego thing," Angela says, leaning back in her chair and gesturing to Lucy, who nods empathetically. "So, like, I haven't faked itmuch. But there was this one boyfriend in college who I brought it up to. I told him that I had trouble coming just from penetration and sometimes needed a little more. He got all angsty and upset and basically made it all about him and how I was basically saying he wasn't good enough. It was easier to fake and then just get myself off when I was 'cleaning up'."

Lucy nods enthusiastically. "Yes. Exactly that. So I've only ever been in one serious relationship. We lived together and everything, though mostly it was just because I couldn't afford to move out. Anyway, it was like half and half. Sometimes I came and sometimes I didn't, so I brought it up one day, and he basically said that someone was wrong withmebecause all of his past girlfriendsalwayscame with him, and I didn't know how to break it to him that they were probably faking."

Lucy pauses, and then looks around at the horrified expressions of her male friends. "ObviouslyI broke up with him after that," she clarifies, and Jackson sighs in relief.

"Thankgod. He sounds like a grade A douche canoe. Man, I didn't know that women faked so often. Like, grow a pair. Get your partner off. You have hands and a mouth, too, your dick isn't the be all end all.Sheesh."

The room breaks into laughter as Nolan reaches for the next card.

Lucy lets out a huge yawn as he reads it, though, and Tim rubs a hand up and down her back.

"You can go to sleep anytime," he murmurs, and Lucy nods as she leans more heavily against him. "They'll be here tomorrow, too."

"Okay," she says, and she yawns again as Tim reaches for a jelly bean when Nolan saysnever have I ever done the walk of shame.Lucy snorts and holds out her hand for one of hers, and Tim hands it to her.

She falls asleep between one story and the next, surrounded by laughter and her best friends in the world.

At some point far past when visiting hourstechnicallyend, Dani starts walking by the room with greater frequency. She gives them more pointed looks, but she knows that Lucy needs the company so she doesn't outrightsayanything until nearly midnight.

Finally, she pops her head in and smiles.

"Time to go. You can come back tomorrow at any point after 8am. I wish I could make you take Tim with you, but he'd fight and, you know what, he'd probably win."

Tim smiles and shrugs; she's notwrong. It would take a lot more manpower than is currently in the room to move him from Lucy's side, especially since Lucy is basically using him as a body pillow. Her arms and legs are wrapped around him, and her head resting on his chest right over his heart. He can't evenmovewithout disturbing her.

"We'll see you guys in the morning, then," Angela whispers, and Tim smiles and murmurs his thanks to them for visiting.

They quickly put away the games and puzzles and snacks, and then tiptoe as they gather their things. Tim watches and holds Lucy tighter, and then nods when Angela's hand hovers over the light switch. She blows him a kiss and then turns the light out, and the room is cast in darkness. There's just enough light from Lucy's machines and the nightlight by the sink to see by, and Tim sighs as he pulls out their poetry book.

Lucy is already sleeping, but reading to her before bed has become just as much for him as it is for her.

He opens the book to where he left off last time, and whispers the words of his favorite poet into Lucy's ear.

I drank her
silence like
liquor and it destroyed
me the same,
but I fell for all of her,
hopelessly and endlessly.
My soul will always be lifted
when she walks into the room
and my blood will always dance
when her breath passes
through me.

He doesn't realize that Angela has come back and is standing in the doorway until she makes a soft, sad noise, and he looks up, his eyes meeting hers in the dim light of the hospital room.

"I forgot my phone," she explains in a whisper, and Tim nods, reaching onto the bedside table and holding it out to her. Angela quickly walks forward and takes it, and then steps back until she's far enough away from Lucy that she won't share any germs she might have picked up in the hallways.

Tim turns back to the poetry book, and he hopes she won't…

But of course she does.

"Tim," she says, and he glances up when he hears her voice crack. "What are you going to do if she doesn't make it?"

"Don't say that," Tim murmurs, and he shakes his head.

Angela presses on, though, becauseshepushed them together. She pushed them together and then Lucy had gottensicker, and she doesn't think it was the wrong choice, necessarily, she just wants Tim to be prepared.

"I love you," Angela whispers, and she shakes her head as she watches them, entwined on the bed. "And I love Lucy. Andgod, I hope she makes it. But you can't… if she doesn't, Tim, you can't push us away. Promise me.Promiseyou won't push me away."

Tim swallows around the sudden lump in his throat.

He can't evenimaginea world in which Lucy doesn't make it, in which she doesn't beat the cancer and come out on the other side of this happy and healthy.

He doesn'twantto imagine it.

But he knows Angela is right.

If Lucydoesn'tmake it, it could destroy him.

Itwilldestroy him, if he lets it.

"I promise," he whispers, and Angela smiles sadly, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"See you tomorrow," she whispers, and Tim nods as he curls tighter around Lucy and tries not to think too hard about the future.

"See you," he says, and he watches as Angela leaves and closes the glass door behind her.

Notes:

For some reason, whether it's because I have yet ANOTHER sinus infection or because I just finished summer school and am sleeping around 14 hours a day from sheer exhaustion, this chapter was HARD TO WRITE.

I still am not happy with it, but I'm going to post it and move on, because if I don't I'll never get past this bump in the road.

Chapter 22

Chapter Text

Week 8 - April 3rd, 2020

After two weeks in isolation, Lucy is finally moved back to a regular room. Tim ambushes everyone that comes in with hand sanitizer and medical masks, and the nurses and doctors continue using isolation protocol, donning masks, gloves, and gowns to enter the room.

Lucy, however, is granted more freedom, and at the earliest possible opportunity, Tim wraps her in blankets, helps her put on an N95 mask, and glares at anyone that gets within ten feet of them as he takes her outside in her wheelchair.

Once they're out in the courtyard (and away from other people) Lucy takes off her mask and takes in a slow, deep breath, a smile taking over her features as she tilts her head toward the sun.

"I love you," Tim whispers, because he does, and also he hasn't seen her smile like this in a long time and it's doing funny things to his heart.

Lucy reaches for and takes his hand into hers, and Tim sighs in contentment as he sits down on a bench beside her wheelchair.

It's a beautiful day, and Tim is so fuckinggladthat she gets to be outside for it. That she's not cooped up in isolation anymore, and that her numbers are trending upward. Her doctor had come in that morning with a big smile, and Tim had almost cried with relief.

"I love you, too," Lucy finally says, her voice a whisper. She's staring off into the distance, watching as a bird flits from tree to tree, and there's something in her voice that sets Tim on edge.

"What's wrong, Lu?" he asks, and he scoots closer to her.

Heneedsto be closer to her.

He wants to…

And, well, what's stopping him?

He reaches into Lucy's wheelchair and wraps his arms around her waist, helping her stand to her feet. She looks at him in confusion and then blushes and grins when he gestures to his lap.

"Sap," she says fondly, and she kisses him on the cheek as he settles her across his thighs. He wraps an arm around her back, holding her to his chest while he uses the other arm to arrange her ass in his lap and her feet on the other side of the bench. She sighs and melts against him, and has to admit that this had been a good idea.

She can feel his heart beating where her ear is pressed over his chest, and it's comforting. Grounding.

"Nothing's… wrong," she finally says, and Tim hums as he settles his chin on top of her head. She's wearing one of her silk head wraps, this one a rainbow, floral print, and he kisses the soft fabric as Lucy tries to find the right words.

She finally does, and Tim's heartachesas she speaks.

"If I die," she starts, and Tim makes a broken noise as he shakes his head.

"No, Lu," he whispers, and she turns around to kiss his chest where the vee of his shirt shows off some of his warm, tempting skin.

"Yes, Tim. We need to talk about this."

"You're not gonna die," he says, and hehateshow his voice lacks conviction.

She's justso sick.She's lost so much weight. She's pale and weak and it's so hard to convince himself, in the quiet, dark moments when he's alone, that she's going to be fine.

"We can't know that for sure," Lucy murmurs, and she's tracing the lines of his neck as she speaks, her thin fingers cold on his skin. "I'm not giving up Tim. This isnotme giving up. This is me… making sure thatyou'llmake it, even if I don't. Okay? I'm gonna fight this thing with everything I've got. But I need toknow,baby. I need to know thatyou'llbe OK, even if I'm not."

"I willneverbe OK," Tim says, and his voice is firm, absolute. "I'llsurvive, Lu. I willsurvivelosing you, but I will never beokaywith it."

Lucy nods and presses her face harder into Tim's chest. Her nose is squished awkwardly into his collarbone but she doesn't even care. She just wants to be as close to him as possible.

"OK," she whispers, and Tim holds her tighter, his arms wrapping around her back and squeezing her in a way that's almost painful but not quite. Instead, it's grounding. It feels like his arms are keeping her tethered to this moment.

They don't speak for a long time after that, but Lucy doesn't mind. She breathes in his scent and the smell of the fresh, spring air. She listens to the birds chirping and watches as wind blows through the new, baby leaves on the trees. She shivers, once, and Tim grabs her blanket, wrapping it around her and cradling her like a child against his chest.

She falls asleep there, in his arms under the warm, spring sun, and it's the most restful sleep she's had in a long time.

April 4th, 2020

The next morning Lucy wakes up to see Tim grinning at her from where he's standing over her bed. She makes an inquiring noise as she sits up, and his grin only grows, which freaks her out a little bit.

"What?" she asks sleepily, and Tim leans down to kiss her softly as he sits on the edge of her bed.

"I have a surprise for you."

Lucy smiles and yawns, and then sits up with Tim's help. She stretches and moans as her bones and joints pop. She's feeling pretty good, better than she has in a while. It's Saturday, she notes as she glances at the calendar on the wall, the day when they normally draw her blood to check her levels and make sure that the chemo and radiation are working as planned, and she feelshopefulfor the first time that her numbers will look good.

"What surprise?" she asks, and Tim smiles as he kisses her again before climbing off of the bed and walking to where Lucy's wheelchair is sitting in the corner.

"It's asurprise, Lucy. If I told you it would no longer be asurprise."

Lucy rolls her eyes, but allows Tim to help her dress in loose, comfortable pajamas. He rolls thick, fluffy socks onto her feet, and then fusses with her head wrap, making sure it's on just right before he holds out his hands questioningly. Lucy nods, and he helps her stand and then settle into her wheelchair. He buckles her in to make sure she doesn't go anywhere, and then helps her put on her mask before turning toward the door.

"Are we going outside?" Lucy asks, and she only feels a little disappointed when Tim shakes his head.

"Nope."

"Well, then,where?"

Tim chuckles and doesn't answer her, but Lucy knows it has to be somewheregood, because he's smiled more since she woke up this morning than he has in a long time.

It's nice, seeing him this happy.

Tim wheels her into the elevator and presses the button for floor 6. He angles his body so that she can't see the sign on the walltellingher what's on floor 6, and she rolls her eyes at his excitement.

Wherever they're going, it has to begood.

The elevator dings and Tim rolls her wheelchair out onto a brightly decorated floor. There are animals and colorful designs on the walls and floor, and it's brightly lit. Lucy looks around in curiosity, and wonders if he's brought her to the children's floor.

She smiles, because childrenalwaysmake her smile, and wonders what he has up his sleeve.

"Hey, Marci," Tim says softly, and Lucy looks up to watch as Tim greets an older lady. She looks nice, like Lucy imagines a grandmother would look, though she'd never spent much time with her own grandmother. She has long, flowing hair, brown with silver streaks in it, and a kind smile.

"Good morning, Tim! And you must be Lucy."

Lucy nods and shakes Marci's hand when she holds it out.

"Hi, Marci. Nice to meet you."

"Ready to do some kangaroo cuddling?"

Lucy perks up at the term, because she'sheardthat before…

"We're ready," Tim says, and Lucy is much more alert as Tim pushes her wheelchair through the quiet hallways of the floor.

"This is the NICU," Marci explains, and Lucy feels her heart beating fast, because she knows where they are now. "The neonatal intensive care unit. I'm a volunteer, and I help train other volunteers on providing Kangaroo Care for some of the babies here. Their parents do their very best to be here most of the time, but often they have other children they have to care for, or jobs they can no longer take time off from. The NICU is often a long road for families, and they run out of sick days andhaveto leave. That's where we come in. We cuddle these precious little loves while their parents can't."

Tim leans down and kisses Lucy's head as he whispers, "There are a lot of benefits of kangaroo care. For the baby, mostly, but I thought this would be something you'd enjoy."

Lucy looks up at Tim with wide eyes, and she can see the exact moment he begins to doubt what he's planned.

"Unless…fuck, Lu, I didn't even think… unless this isn't something you're comfortable with?"

He doesn't say it, but Lucy knows what he's thinking.

Because you can't have a baby of your own anymore.

And it's true that it hurts a little bit, because shecan't, but… as she thinks about snuggling the little babies who don't have anyone there for them, she doesn't feelsad. She feels a longing, sure, to have a child of her own, but more than that she feelsexcited.

"No, this is perfect," she reassures him, squeezing his hand as he stops her wheelchair in front of a large room. "This is perfect, Tim. I'm OK, I promise. I want … I want to do this."

"OK," TIm whispers, and he kisses her again before waving toward the room. "Let me go get the nurse."

Lucy nods and Tim walks inside. He greets and smiles and laughs with a nurse as they head back out together, and Lucy waves when they approach her.

"You must be Lucy," the nurse says. She's young and pretty, with sparkling eyes and a soft smile. "Tim has told meso muchabout you. He never shuts up about you, really," she continues, and Tim blushes while Lucy smiles lovingly at him. "He's really gone on you, hon."

"Yeah, I'm a little gone on him, too."

The nurse chuckles and then introduces herself as Debbie before taking control of Lucy's wheelchair and pushing her inside the room.

Lucy looks around in wonder.

There are seven stations set up in a circle around a reception type desk, with impossibly tiny beds and incubators at each. There are machines beeping, whirring, hissing, and breathing for the tiny occupants of each bed, and Lucy feels her heart in her throat as her wheelchair is parked beside one of the itty bitty incubators.

She can see the baby inside, and her eyes fill with tears as she takes in how impossiblysmallsheis.

"This is Eleanor," Debbie explains, and Lucy nods as Tim helps her move from her wheelchair to the more comfortable recliner beside the baby's bed. "She needs lots of cuddles, and she doesn't have any parents to give them to her."

Lucy looks up at Tim with wide, wet eyes, and she sees that he's just as affected as she is.

Debbie is rearranging wires and tubes and the baby's ventilator, and Lucy's hands shake as she, with Tim's help, unbuttons the top of her pajama shirt.

"What do I do?" she asks, and Debbie smiles as she cradles the little girl in her hands. She's so small that she fits in both of Debbie's palms, and Lucy isterrified.

"Just hold her. I'll help position her and then I'll cover her and you with a blanket. But skin-to-skin contact is one of the best things we can do for her right now. She was a safe haven baby, abandoned on the hospital doorstep when she was a newborn. She's been with us a few weeks, and we estimate that she was born around 25 weeks gestation. She was addicted to heroin when she was born, so she's got a long road ahead of her, and she needslotscuddles and love."

"OK," Lucy whispers, and Tim kisses her head and rubs his hand up and down her arm as Debbie carries the infant over to her.

Her heart is thundering as Debbie carefully,carefullylays the tiny baby on Lucy's chest, and the second their skin touches, Lucy bursts out crying, tears falling down her cheeks as Debbie takes one of her hands and helps her settle it over the baby's back. Lucy's palm coversmostof Eleanor's body, and she sobs as the little girl's arms and legs twitch as she settles in.

"There you go, little one," Debbie murmurs, and Lucy sniffles as a blanket is settled over Eleanor's back and her chest. Tim helps tuck it in, brushing one finger over Eleanor's back as he does so. The baby twitches and makes a little noise, and Lucy looks up at Tim in wonder.

"She's so small."

"She is," Tim agrees, and he smiles as he settles into a chair next to Lucy. "But she's a fighter, just like you."

Lucy sniffles and nods, and then turns to Tim. "Are you going to kangaroo cuddle a baby, too?" she asks, and she half hopes the answer is no because she willdieif she sees Tim, topless, snuggling a teeny tiny baby.

Tim chuckles and nods, and then points to the incubator on the other side of Eleanor's.

"Debbie is getting permission from the parents real quick, but that's Liam. He's been here a few weeks, too, though he wasn't as premature as Eleanor."

Lucy nods and then lays her head on Tim's shoulder, sighing as she stares down at where Eleanor's tiny, blue eyes have fluttered closed.

"Thank you," she whispers, because while her heart still aches with the realization that she'll never be able to carry a baby of her own, she feelsgood, being able to help someone else. She doesn't feel as helpless or as useless as she has over the last few weeks.

She feelsneeded, and it's a nice feeling.

Tim brushes his hand over her silky hair wrap and then kisses her forehead.

"You're welcome, Lu."

Chapter 23

Chapter Text

Week 10, April 18th, 2020

Two weeks later Lucy's test results are the best they've ever been, and she's feeling positive and hopeful despite the most recent round of chemo and radiation kicking her ass, and she's somehow still smiling between bouts of vomit and dizziness.

"Here, hon," Dani says soothingly, and she runs her hand down Lucy's arm as she sticks a needle into her IV and depresses the syringe. "This should help with the nausea before we start chemo for today."

"Thanks," Lucy gasps, and Tim frowns as he walks back over to her bed with a cup of water, lid firmly attached and a fresh straw stuck in the top.

"Here you go, baby," he murmurs, and he kisses her forehead as he sets the water on her bedside table before turning to Dani. "And this is normal, right?"

Dani chuckles and nods as she sanitizes and then caps Lucy's IV access port. "Yes, Tim, it's normal, and youknowthat. You've seen her react like this before. She's doing great,allof her doctors say so. Her numbers are looking good, and if her white count keeps rising we're going to spring you both for a few days after her current round of chemo is finished, let you two have some time away from this place."

Tim nods, and it's not the first time Dani has mentioned discharging them for the week between Lucy's rounds of chemo, but he still doesn't feel any less apprehensive about it.

"And you'resureit's safe?"

Dani laughs and shakes her head.

"Quit momming your girlfriend, hon. If we discharge her, we believe she's healthy enough. You've been in here for two and a half months and you could use abreak.Sleep on a real bed. We have some short term housing options, but they're not the greatest. If you want, you can get a nice hotel, order some room service, and take a nice, hot bath. Go to dinner, do somethingfun,and enjoy your time before we re-admit Lucy for the next round of treatment."

Tim is stillfuckingnervous about taking Lucy out of the hospital for anything other than a walk, but the way Lucygrinswhenever Dani mentions it is enough to make him not fight it.

Sheneedsthe break. She needs the sunshine and the reprieve from the needles and blood draws and the constant, never ending stream of doctors and nurses.

And, to be honest, he could use the break, too.

Angela had kicked him out the previous weekend, but he hadn't been able to relax, becauseLucyhad still been stuck in the hospital. He thinks that, if she were releasedwith him, that he would be able to enjoy the time away from the hospital.

"We'll repeat blood work this weekend and see where we are," Dani says, and she pats Lucy on the back as her face turns green again. "Bucket."

Tim dives for and manages to get the bucket under Lucy's chin right before she loses the battle with her stomach, and he winces as she heaves and gags. It's mostly bile at this point, since she hasn't been able to keep anything down, and Tim winces in sympathy as she shoves the bucket away.

He glances at Dani, and the nurse rolls her eyes as she offers Lucy a wet wipe to clean her mouth.

"It'snormal, Tim.God. Go get a coffee or something, I'll get Lucy's chemo for today hooked up and then you can both sleep."

Tim goes, reluctantly, and walks down the two flights of stairs to the cafeteria to buy the biggest cup of coffee they make. He adds sugar and milk to it, and then eyes the tea selection next to the coffee pot.

He's not sure Lucy will be able to keep it down, but he knows she loves tea, and there's one that claims to help with upset stomach.

He fills a cup with hot water, and buys three of the tea bags, because if ithelps,he wants to keep extra on hand.

With coffee and tea in hand, he makes his way back upstairs, relaxing incrementally when he walks in the room and sees that Lucy is resting peacefully. Her chemo is hooked up, but whatever Dani gave her seems to have kicked in and she doesn't look nearly as green as she had before.

"What's this?" she asks, curious and wary, as Tim raises her bed to a sitting position and hands her the cup.

"Honey lemon tea with ginger," he says, and he kisses her on the forehead before nudging her over so that he can crawl into the bed behind her. He maneuvers them until he's leaning against the mattress and Lucy is leaning against him. She's comfortably trapped between his legs, curled her head resting over his heart as she sips her tea slowly.

"It's good," she tells him, and Tim smiles as he takes another deep pull from his coffee.

"TV or poetry?" he asks, and Lucy bites her lip, thinking.

She'stired,and couldeasilytake a nap. And she does love listening to Tim read…

"Poetry," she decides, and Tim smiles as he set his coffee down and reaches for their book.

"OK," he whispers, and he wraps one arm around her, reaching for the remote that controls the lights, and turns all of them off except for the one in the entryway. It's just enough to read by, but it also makes the room dark enough that Lucy should be able to rest easily.

"I found this one the other day," he murmurs, and Lucy hums as she sips her tea and lets her eyes flutter closed. "It made me think about the hard times. Because there has been a lot of hard, but there's a lot of good, too. It reminds me of how strong you are."

Lucy breathes in Tim's scent, and listens as he reads.

She lit a cigarette
with bundles of tears
racing down her cheeks,
and after her lips somehow
found the strength to stretch
into a smile, I thought to
myself; "Sometimes, when

chaos burns like wildfires
around us: we have no other
choice but to fall in love
with the warmth."

April 19th, 2020

The next morning finds Tim and Lucy back in the NICU, listening raptly to an update on their favorite resident.

"28 weeks today!" Debbie says, grinning widely as she settles the infant on Lucy's chest. She makes sure the CPAP tubing as well as all of the various wires and tubes are settled, and then stands back, her hands clasped behind her back as she watches Tim take the baby's blanket and settle it over her naked back. "She's officially two pounds! Still on the small side, but she's gaining weight. She's opening her eyes and seems more attentive to sound, so you can talk to her or sing to her, see if she responds."

"She's doing OK, though?" Lucy asks tentatively, because she's gotten maybe alittle bitattached to the itty bitty preemie.

"She's a fighter," Debbie confirms, smiling softly down at them as Tim runs his fingers over Eleanor's cheek. Her little body is still covered in thin, fine hair, and the baby blinks awake and turns her head as Tim brushes her cheek.

"Oh, fuck, did I hurt her?" he asks, snatching his hand back, but Debbie shakes her head.

"No, not at all. That's her rooting reflex. Babies around this age normally start turning their heads when something brushes their cheeks, getting them ready for nursing. We won't try to bottle feed her for a couple more weeks yet, but it's good to see."

"Oh," Tim says, and then he reaches back, tentatively, and touches her head gently and lovingly. "She's so small," he whispers in wonder.

"She's gained over a pound since she got here," Debbie says, and Tim's heart breaks when he realizes that she's literallydoubled her weight.

"That's …" Lucy begins, but she doesn't have the word.

"Amazing, but horrible," Debbie says, and Lucy nods as she repositions the blanket around Eleanor's shoulders. She blinks her eyes and stares up at Lucy as she begins humming, and Debbie winks at them before walking off.

Tim takes out his phone and snaps a picture as he watches Lucy begin to sing softly to Eleanor, and then switches the camera tovideo.He presses the red 'record' button, and watches as Lucy touches the baby gently, lovingly, as she whisper-sings. Eleanor's eyes are open and she seems to be listening. Lucy's voice is the sweetest, mostbeautifulthing he's ever heard, and Tim sympathizes with Eleanor, because he can't look away from her, either.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me.

Eleanor yawns, and Lucy sniffles as she watches the baby. She rocks back and forth in the recliner, all of her attention on the baby in her arms as she continues to sing.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me.

Tim feels tears slowly traveling down his cheeks, and he reaches up with a shaking hand to wipe them away. He cuts the video off just as Lucy is finishing the song, and he considers sending it to the group chat but he doesn't. Instead he sends the picture he'd taken, but he selfishly wants to keep the video for himself. He sends it to Lucy's phone, though, because he wants her to have it, too.

Stars fading but I linger on, dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear
Just saying this
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Tim scoots as close to Lucy as he can, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her forehead.

His phone dings just as Lucy lays her head on his shoulder, and she glances over in curiosity as he unlocks it.

Tim: [Image of Lucy holding Eleanor]

Jackson: Shut. The. Fuck. Up. HOW CUTE IS THAT.

Angela: Oh my gawdddddd. Who is that? Iknowya'll haven't been there long enough to have a baby.

Tim: Seriously, Ang? She's a NICU baby. Abandoned by a mom hooked on drugs. We-

He pauses, because he doesn't want to write the wordskangaroo cuddle, because heknowsthat he will never live this down but…

Tim: -we help out in our free time.

Nolan: It's called kangaroo care. I used to do it in my downtime when Henry was in the hospital. It really helps the preemies and their development.

Jackson:

Angela: Tim. Doyoucuddle the NICU babies, too?

Tim: Maybe.

Jackson: We need photo evidence of this.

Tim puts down his phone when Debbie walks back over. She nods toward the incubator next to Eleanor's where baby Liam is sleeping, and Tim nods, reaching down to tug his shirt off.

Lucy absolutelydoesn'tsigh happily as she eyes Tim's bare chest, but shedoesnod toward Tim's phone, grinning, once Debbie settles Liam against Tim. His large hand dwarfs the baby, and Lucy watches with her heart in her throat as he tucks the soft blanket around his little arms and legs. Liam is off of his ventilator and doesn't have as many wires and tubes as Eleanor, but he's still itty bitty, and looks even smaller.

Debbie reaches for Tim's phone, and before he can protest she's taken several pictures of him.

"Send it to the group chat," Lucy requests, and Tim makes a noise of protest that Debbie steadfastly ignores.

"Done. Here," she says, and she lays it in Lucy's outstretched hand. Lucy glances down at the responses that are flooding in and chuckles.

Jackson: It's official. You are no longer scary, like, at all.

Nolan: It's true. Your reputation is ruined.

Angela:

Tim doesn't respond, because he's too busy holding and rocking Liam, but he finds he doesn't mind as much as he thought he would that their friends have seen his softer side.

He doesn't mind a lot of things now that he would have even two months ago, and he thinks he has Lucy to blame (to thank?) for that.

"I hope I can have a baby one day," Lucy murmurs, and Tim glances over to see that she's staring down at Eleanor with so much love in her eyes that Tim's heartaches. "I know I can't carry, but… they were able to save some of my eggs, and even if I can't have a baby that's biologicallymine, I still want a baby."

"You'll get to do that, Lu," Tim reassures her, and he reaches for the hand that isn't supporting Eleanor's bottom, entwining their fingers and holding on tight. "You're gonna beat this, and you're going to have a family and babies and even a dog, if you want one. You candoandhavewhatever you want, because you're going to make it."

Lucy glances over at Tim, her eyes shining and her lips pulled into a small smile, and he hopes that she'll want those thingswith him.

It's too early to say it out loud, but hehopes.

"I hope so," Lucy whispers. She doesn't break eye contact as she says it, and Tim's heart races as he imaginesthemwith a baby and a dog, one day.

Chapter 24

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 11: April 25th, 2020

Lucy is in shocked disbelief as she watches Dani slowly remove all of her IVs, as all of the tape is removed from her skin, and as all her wristbands are cut off.

They fall to the floor one by one; herfall riskband, her patient ID band, the barcode they scan every time they give her medicine or do a procedure… they all fall to the floor, and as each one comes off, she feels a little more free, a littlelighter.

Tim is grinning widely, bouncing anxiously on his feet as Dani removes each piece of tape, each needle, each band.

"What do we need to do to make sure she stays healthy, though?" he asks, because Dani has already given them the basic information — they're free until April 30th, when she needs to check in to prepare for the next round of chemo. They're also understrictinstructions to relax, eat some good food that doesn't come from the hospital cafeteria, to doat leastone fun activity, and torest.

"Wear masks in public, both of you, and try to stay six feet away from others whenever possible. Small, enclosed spaces are not ideal, so movie theaters and indoor restaurants, things like that, should be avoided. Be on the lookout for signs of infection, such as fever, and come back in if you have a temperature over 99 for more than a day, or anything over 100 for any length of time at all."

"OK," Lucy agrees easily.

Tim smiles and reaches over to take her hand, and he rubs gently at the tape residue that hadn't come off when Dani removed the IV in her hand.

"How do we get this stuff off?" he asks, and Dani smiles as she frees Lucy from the final wire.

"I suggest a long, hot bath. Good for getting the tape off, for relaxation,andfor intimacy."

Tim stares pointedly at the ceiling while Lucy smiles and blushes.

"That sounds nice," she whispers, and Tim mentally addslavender bubble bathto his list of things to have delivered to their hotel room. He already has a PostMates order in progress on his phone, and he's been adding things he thinks Lucy would like, as well as simple snacks, water, and other things they'll need over the next few days.

He's already made two trips to the hotel to bring all of their stuff, and he knows he has at least two more bags of things to bring with them.

"Ready to go?" Dani asks, and Lucy smiles widely as she nods. Dani brings over the wheelchair, and Tim helps her settle into it. She sighs as she moves her arms and legs without restriction, without wires and monitors and IVs. It'snice, and she is going to enjoy thehellout of it for the next five days.

"I'm ready," she agrees, and Dani smiles at them both as Tim takes over, pushing her chair from the room.

"See you soon," he tells Dani, and their favorite nurse smiles before throwing her arms around Tim's neck.

"Have fun," she whispers, and he nods, hugging her back briefly before turning his attention back to Lucy.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand," he says, and Lucy giggles as he pushes her through the hallways.

The first thing Lucy wants to do is to take a hot bath, and so Tim helps her settle on the bed as he heads into the restroom. He turns on the hot water, dumps in several capfuls of the bubble bath that had come with their PostMates order, and then sets out towels before stepping back and eyeing the area critically.

The bathroom is nice; the tub even nicer. It's a large, claw-foot tub, and he thinks it's big enough for both of them, if that's something that Lucy wants.

"Tiiiiim."

Tim chuckles and heads back out into the main room to find that Lucy has gotten herself stuck in her t-shirt as she tried to take it off.

"How the hell did you manage that?" he asks, and Lucy shrugs as Tim begins to gently untangle her. He helps her pull her thin arms out of the neck of the shirt, and then he pulls it gently over her head, making sure not to disrupt her head wrap. When he's done he kneels down on the floor in front of her and lets his hands drop to her waistband.

"May I?" he asks, and Lucy nods, her eyes half lidded as he pops the button and tugs her jeans down her legs.

She's lost a lot of weight, he notices, and his heart clenches as his fingers run over dry skin and protruding bones. She's paler than usual after spending months inside, and he makes a noise as he notices the patches of dry, flaky skin. He's going to rub her favorite lotion into every inch of skin when they're done, he decides. He'll give her a massage, too, maybe, and then he wants to hold her in his arms without any tubes or wires while they sleep.

"Do you want to take a bath alone?" he asks, and he glances up once he's put her jeans on the bed with her t-shirt.

Lucy meets his eyes, and then shakes her head 'no'.

Tim swallows and smiles, leaning down to kiss her knee as he reaches for her hand.

"Can I… would you like me to help you?"

Lucy nods and leans down to kiss Tim's forehead.

"Yes, I want you to take a bath with me, Tim. Please."

Tim nods and then swallows thickly, his heart thundering as he stands up. He silently removes his own t-shirt and jeans, setting them on the bed next to Lucy's and leaving them both in their underwear.

They've never seen each other this naked before, he realizes. He's seen glimpses during procedures, or when he had to stand outside the shower and help her, but he's never seen her this close to naked. He's never seen so mcuh of her skin.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs, and Lucy blushes as he takes her hands and pulls her off of the bed. She lets him, and then lets her eyes roam his body, one of her hands moving from his so that she can run her fingers down his chest.

"You are, too," she whispers, and Tim smiles as he leans down and kisses her softly, his lips wet and warm against hers.

"Can I take this off?" he asks, and he tugs on her bra for emphasis. Lucy nods, though she's still blushing, and Tim reaches behind her back slowly, caressing her skin as he does so, to pop the clasp. He helps her guide it off, and his breath catches in his throat when he sees her bare breasts, her nipples taut and erect in the cold air of the room. Her port, near her left collarbone, has been covered in a waterproof dressing, and Tim lets his fingers dance over it before reaching down to cup her breast in his large, hot palm. "Is this OK?" he whispers, and Lucy nods, her eyes fluttering closed as he caresses her breasts. First one, and then the other, and then he's pulling his hands away because he knows that there will be time for more later.

"Tim," Lucy moans, and he smiles, letting his forehead drop against hers as she pulls on the waistband of his boxer briefs.

"I'm probably gonna get hard," he says, and Lucy smiles as she inches the material down. "I don't expect anything, Lucy. I just want to take a bath with you, and then hold you while we sleep. That's all I'm expecting, OK? Just… my body might get a mind of it's own."

"I want more than that," Lucy whispers, and Tim gasps when she pushes down his boxers and lets her hand brush against his half hard cock.

He groans and takes a deep breath, and he wants that, too.

But first…

Tim reaches for the final piece of clothing on their bodies. He hooks his fingers into the band of Lucy's panties, green and cotton and comfortable, and glances up to meet her eyes. She nods and he pushes them down, kneeling down on the floor to help her take them off one foot at a time. She puts her hands on his shoulders to balance herself as she steps out of one leg and then the other, and then Tim is standing up and they're both naked together, finally, and Tim can'tbreathe.

"I love you," he says, and Lucy smiles and bites her lip as she stands on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to his.

They kiss for a moment before Lucy shivers. Tim chuckles as he breaks the kiss, and then he sweeps her into his arms, settling her against his chest while she laughs as he walks them toward the bathroom. The tub is half full of water and bubbles, and Tim turns it off before setting Lucy down in the steaming water. He climbs in behind her and then sits down, pulling her onto his lap, and he feels his whole body relaxing as Lucy practicallymeltsinto him.

"Oh this feelssoooogood," she moans, her eyes fluttering closed, and Tim chuckles as he brings one soapy hand out of the water to brush over her shoulders.

The smell of lavender permeates the bathroom, and the warm water is doingwondersto loosen Tim's tight muscles.

"It does," he murmurs, and he spends a long time kissing the skin of her neck as she relaxes into the water.

They sit together for the longest time, skin to skin, and Tim has never felt more at home than he does with Lucy in his arms. He knows that Lucy can feel him, half hard under her, but he's not aroused in a way that demands he do anything about it. Having her here, in his arms,healthierthan she's been inmonths, is more than enough.

It's more than he ever thought he'd have.

They linger in the bath, kissing lazily and washing each other's bodys gently, lovingly, until the water runs cold and Lucy begins shivering again.

Tim helps her out of the bath and wraps her up in a large, warm robe, and then, after tying a towel around his own waist, leads her into the bedroom by the hand. He pulls back the blankets and encourages her to lay down before he reaches for the tie of her robe.

"I want to give you a massage," he murmurs, and Lucy nods, and her skin is pink and warm from the bath in a way that's doing things to Tim.

He grabs the lotion and uncaps it, and then he spends what feels likehoursmassaging it into her skin. He starts at her feet, his fingers digging into the meat of the arch of her foot, his thumb rubbing circles as he massages the lotion into her skin. Lucy sighs and closes her eyes, humming whenever he hits a particularly sensitive spot. She moans as he massages her thighs, and Tim is high on the sound of her pleasure and the scent of her lotion.

He doesn't think he'll ever be able to smell lavender again without thinking ofher.

"Can I?" he asks, and Lucy opens her eyes to see that Tim is waiting, his hands on her thighs, his thumbs rubbing circles on the soft skin between her legs. She doesn't know exactly what he's asking, but the answer is yes.

The answer will always be yes.

"Yes," she gasps, and Tim smiles, helping her roll over before he digs his fingers into the meat of her ass. He massages the backs of her thighs, the skin of the small of her back, and then trails his hands upward, spreading lotion liberally across her back as he digs his thumbs into the tight muscles of her shoulders.

By the time he flips her back over and starts all over again on her belly, Lucy is a puddle of arousal and relaxation. She's floating, half asleep, half hyper aware of Tim's toucheverywhere.

He rubs lotion into her stomach, her ribs, her breasts, her upper arms and wrists and fingers. He uses a different lotion for her face and neck, and then he reaches for her hairbrush, working it gently through the strands until she's blissed out, unable to do anything other than lay there and bask in his love.

"Lu," Tim whispers, and she manages to open one to see him holding out a pair of panties and a t-shirt, but…

"Nooo," she moans, and Tim chuckles as he puts them back on top of her bag.

He's still wearing a towel (that is doing very little to hide how much massaging her has affected him) and Lucy wantsthatoff too.

"Come here," she grunts, and Tim does. She reaches for his towel, tugging on it, and Tim stares down at her in amazement as he helps her take it off. "Too tired for sex. In the morning," she whispers, and Tim nods. He's not even sure aboutin the morning, because he doesn't want to hurt her, but if she wants to try…

"Want me to put on boxers or pants?" he asks, but Lucy just shakes her head.

"No. Come here, baby."

Tim does.

He crawls into the bed behind her, wrapping his arms and legs around her body, and then sighs, melting into the bed.

He's surrounded by her.

Her soft skin, the scent of her shampoo, her lotion,her.

And for the first time since he'd brought her to the hospital so many weeks ago, he's at peace.

Notes:

Sorry for the slow updates! Chenford Week is kicking my ass! ;) I have several new stories up, if you haven't checked them out!

I hope everyone is having fun this Chenford week! I love writing for these two idiots so much!

Chapter 25

Chapter Text

Week 11: April 26th, 2020

When Lucy wakes up in the morning, everything feels different. There's no beeping, no humming, and no needle pricking into her skin. There are no nurses and no doctors, and it'ssilent.

The hospital isneversilent.

There's always someone talking in the hallways, or crying, and the noises of the machines are unending, always buzzing in the background.

But now, there'swarmth,and comfort, and soft, warm skin against hers. There are strong arms wrapped around her, one on her bare stomach and one under her head, and she can feel Tim's breath puffing wetly over her cheek. She sighs as she melts back into him, and it takes her several seconds to realize that they are bothnaked, and warm, and that Tim isveryaroused.

With a grin Lucy wiggles back in Tim's arms, and she moans when she feels his very interested length pressed against her ass.

"Lucy," comes his deep, sleep rough voice, and Lucy grins, biting her lip as she wiggles her ass again.

They're both still naked, after all, and it would be ashamenot to do something about it.

"You're gonna need to stop that, Lu," Tim warns, and Lucy smiles as she turns over in his arms.

"Why?"

Tim stares at her, his hair disheveled and his eyes still glazed with sleep. His chin and cheeks are covered in a thin layer of stubble, and as Lucy reaches up to dance her fingers over it, she finds herself wondering what his stubble would feel like between her thighs.

"Why do I need to stop, Tim?" she asks again, and Tim groans and drops his hands to her hips as she rolls over and sits on top of his lap. Their change in position causes Tim's length to press right over her center, and he groans at the heat and wetness he feels there.

"Because I only have so much self control, Lucy," he says, and he's biting his lip as he rubs his thumbs in circles on her hips.

The blanket has fallen down to where it's pooling around Lucy's waist, and Tim can see her breasts, her thin, flat stomach, and the soft, bare skin leading down between her thighs.

"I don'twantyou to have control, Tim," Lucy murmurs, and Tim's breath catches in his throat as she leans down. Her breasts press into his chest, and Lucy moans as the coarse hair brushes against her sensitive nipples. "I want you to make love to me."

Tim rolls them over until he's on top, carefully holding his weight off of Lucy while he stares down at her, his eyes full ofwantbut his hands gentle as he spreads her legs and settles between them.

"Are yousure?"he asks, and Lucy nods breathlessly.

"Yes.Yes, Tim. I want this with you. I … I wantyou."

Tim nods and then drops his head to her shoulder, kissing the warm skin between her neck and chest, and Lucy moans, arching up into him as he moves one hand from her hips and presses on her stomach.

"I love you," he whispers, and Lucy smiles as she tangles her fingers in his hair.

"I love you, too, Tim," she breathes, and then he pulls back, gripping the quilt and tossing it off of them. He stands, and Lucy moans, reaching out for him.

"I'll be right back," he assures her, and then he presses a kiss to her temple before standing, naked, and walking into the bathroom.

Lucy lays back on the bed, breathing deeply to try and calm her racing heart as she watches Tim's thick, muscular thighs and tight ass. She can see him digging around in his toiletries kit, and when he comes walking back, Lucy's eyes find a whole new trove of treasures to stare at.

He notices where her gaze is and chuckles as he crawls back into bed, tossing a condom and a travel size bottle of lube onto the mattress next to them.

Lucy raises her eyebrow and Tim rolls his eyes.

"Dani gave them to me. While makingfaces. Shedefinitelydoesn't need to know that we put them to use."

Lucy giggles so hard that her stomach hurts, and by the time she calms down her face is flushed and her stomach is clenching in anticipation. Tim just stares at her, fondness in his eyes, until she's breathing normally again, and then he places one hand, large and warm, on her side as he scoots her into the middle of the bed.

Tim stares down at her for a long moment and then swings one leg over her hip, straddling her as he reaches one hand to balance himself on the bed. He leans down, his other hand coming up to cup Lucy's cheek, and then he's kissing her, slow and soft. Lucy moans and presses into it, and then gasps as Tim pulls away and begins kissing a path down her neck to her chest.

She expects him to go for her breasts, and hedoes, but the way he's kissing her, the way his hands are trailing over every inch of her body, it'sreverent. He's worshiping her, kissing each bruise and every puncture mark from the IVs, blood draws, and various medications given. He spends time on each scar, from each procedure she'd hadandfrom old wounds. He kisses a circle around her port, murmurs how much he loves her and how strong she is as he kisses the irritated skin around the waterproof tape.

He kisses down her arm, his warm, dry lips pausing as he reaches the area where Dani had carefully pulled her IV out the day before. The skin is irritated, swollen, and the blood vessels around it are in various stages of healing. Tim kisses around the wound and then cups her elbow in one shaking hand, and when he glances up there are tears in his eyes.

Lucy makes a noise as she hugs his head to her chest.

"I'm OK, Tim," she whispers, and he nods as he kisses her breasts, the tattoo between them, and then lays his head on her chest as he stares up at her.

"I've… I wasso worried, Lucy. So fuckingterrifiedthat I was going to lose you. I'mstillterrified, and … and some days I wish that I'd never fallen in love with you because losing you will hurtso much more. But… then I realize that falling in love with you is easily the best thing I've ever done. You make me a better person. You make mewantto be better. You make the whole world brighter, and I am so in love with you."

"Tim," Lucy gasps, and Tim chuckles wetly as she tugs his head back up to hers. She kisses him and then wraps her leg around his waist, pulling his pelvis down to hers.

"I love you so much," he murmurs, breaking the kiss, and Lucy whispers the words back before capturing his lips again.

Tim reaches down between them, pressing his fingers against her clit and then sliding them down further, testing her readiness. Lucy winces when he presses a finger inside of her, and he pulls back immediately, kissing her cheek and then trailing a path up to her ear.

"It's okay, baby, it's the chemo. That's why we've got the lube."

Lucy nods but she's still blushing, because she's turned on, sheis,but she's not as wet as she would normally be. She wants this, she wantsTim,but her body isn't on the same page and she's embarrassed.

"Sorry," she whispers, and Tim pauses where he's trying to open the lube to turn back to her.

"Hey, no," he says, and he cups Lucy's cheek, turning until she meets his eye. "There's nothing to be sorry about, Lu. It's normal, with chemo. But if you want to stop, we can. We don't have to doanything, OK? It's all up to you."

Lucy pauses for a moment, and she feels a little embarrassed with Tim sitting between her legs, where she can't get wet for him, but she knows he's right. She knows it's not her fault, and that it's a side effect of the chemo.

And, more than anything, shewants this.She wants to be with Tim this way, to make love to him and be close to him in every way she can.

She reaches down and grabs the tube of lube, pressing it into Tim's hands as smiles at him, her cheeks still a little pink. "I want this. I wantyou,Tim. Please."

Tim leans down and kisses her again, long and slow and deep, and then he's scooting down her body, grabbing her ankle and helping her set her foot flat on the bed, opening her up to him. He squeezes lube on his fingers and this time they slide inside much easier, and Lucymoans. Tim smiles and kisses her knee, his free hand pressing to her lower stomach as he pulls his finger out and adds more lube.

"You're so beautiful, Lucy," he murmurs, and Lucy forgets to be embarrassed as he showers her with love and praise. He whispers into her skin how beautiful and strong and determined she is, and by the time he's reaching for the condom, Lucy isachingwith need.

"Please," she begs, and Tim smiles as he rolls the condom down his length and then covers it in lube, too.

"Let me know if you need to stop, baby," he murmurs, and then he's pressing inside. It's easy and slick, and Lucy feels only pleasure as he fills her up. He bottoms out and she moans, her eyes closing as Tim leans down, his large, warm body covering hers as he kisses her.

"Tim," Lucy gasps, and she bucks her hips up into his, groaning as he pulls out and then thrusts back inside, slowly, gently. "Tim,move."

Tim chuckles as he pulls his lips away from hers, and Lucy reaches for and grabs his hand, entwining their fingers as he sets a slow, sensual pace. He never pulls his body away from hers; they're pressed together head to toe as he makes love to her. His movements are limited, shallow and soft, but Lucy finds herself teetering on the edge in minutes, anyway.

"Tim, I'm close," she gasps, and he smiles as he kisses her neck, nipping gently at the skin and then licking it to soothe the ache from his teeth. Lucy reaches her free hand up, wrapping it around his back and digging her fingernails into his skin.

"Come for me, Lu," Tim murmurs, and she does, crying out and scraping her nails down his back as she trembles and shakes in his arms.

Tim follows her over the edge moments later, groaning as he pushes deep inside and comes, his hips stuttering against hers as he empties into the condom.

After several long seconds he pulls out and then collapses onto the bed next to Lucy, breathing heavily as they both come down from their respective highs.

"That was…" she begins, and then she blows out a breath, unable to find the words, and Tim chuckles, becauseyeah,it was.

"Be right back," he murmurs, and he kisses her cheek as he stands, holding the condom at the base so it doesn't fall off. He walks into the bathroom quickly to dispose of it and clean up, and then he comes back with a warm rag, washing gently between Lucy's legs before tossing it over the side of the bed and then climbing back in.

Lucy raises up on her arms and then collapses on top of Tim with a huff, and he laughs, wrapping his arms around her and tucking her head into his shoulder.

"Sleep, Lu. We can take a nap, and then go out for breakfast. We're not in a rush. We have all week."

Lucy sighs and melts further into him, and then lets her eyelids flutter closed.

Chapter 26

Chapter Text

Week 11: April 26th, 2020

After their impromptu nap, Tim helps Lucy dress in leggings and a long, flowing t-shirt. He winds one of her silky, buttery soft wraps around her bare head, and then kisses her, long and languid, before she breaks away from him, grinning, her hands on his chest to push him away.

"Breakfast,Tim," she reminds him, and he laughs as he takes her hand into his and tugs her out of their hotel room.

They walk hand in hand down the hallways and out the door, and Tim's heart thumps painfully in his chest as he watches Lucy turn her face toward the sunshine. Her lips are quirked into a tiny smile, her eyes closed against the brightness and heat, and Tim is so in love with her that he can barely breathe.

He holds her hand tighter, as if he can keep her anchored to the earth.

Maybe, he thinks, he can keep her from leaving him if he holds on tightly enough.

Maybe he can keep her here, with him,forever.

"I love you," he whispers, and Lucy smiles as she turns back to him. Her skin is pale, and Tim wonders if he should have insisted on sunscreen, or a hat, orsomethingto keep her from burning.

"I love you, too," she whispers, and Tim pulls her closer against his side.

They walk, pressed together from hip to shoulder, until they find a little cafe with outdoor seating. Tim pulls Lucy's chair out for her, and then pushes it in, and then he moves his own chair right up next to hers so he can hold her hand while they eat.

He's being sickeningly sweet, Tim thinks, and he feels himself blush a little as Lucy stares at him, clearly sharing the same thought.

"Remember when youkicked me out of the shopon our first day riding together?" she asks, and Tim laughs, his eyes sparkling.

"Idoremember that. In my defense, though, it was a valuable lesson."

Lucy rolls her eyes, but she has to admit, she'd learned the streets of their patrol beatveryquickly after that.

"Look how far you've come, Bradford," she murmurs, and she smiles as she lifts their clasped hands and kisses Tim's knuckles gently. "From kicking me out of the shop to pulling out chairs for me."

Tim rolls his eyes, butfondly,and then leans over and kisses her temple. He relaxes back into his chair as their waitress walks over, and takes his hand from hers so he can wrap his arm around her shoulders.

"Good morning," their waitress greets, and Tim smiles as Lucy lays her head on his shoulder. "What can I start you guys out with to drink?"

"I'll have a raspberry lemonade, please," Lucy says, and then glances up at Tim.

"Coffee, black with one sugar," he orders, and Lucy smiles and rolls her eyes as she presses a kiss to his neck.

"Predictable."

"You take that back. I am a man ofmystery,"Tim scoffs, and Lucy laughs, shaking her head as their waitress walks off.

"Oh, I love you," she says, and Tim smiles as he leans down and kisses her head.

"Good, cause you're stuck with me. Tim Bradford doesn'tquit.We're in this for the long haul, Boot."

"That sounds nice," Lucy whispers, and they sit together in the sunshine, both thinking about the future that they desperately hope they'll have a shot at.

After breakfast they take a walk in the park, and then another nap, because Lucy tires easily. Tim doesn't sleep this time, though; instead, he holds Lucy until she falls asleep, and then he moves to the desk in their small hotel room andplans.

He plans outings, and dinners, and he even plans for all of their friends to come up and see Lucy while she's out of the hospital.

He plans all sorts of fun activities to do before they have to check back in, but he also plans forafter.

He researches what support Lucy will need when she gets out of the hospital.

He researches therapies, emotional support animals, and support groups.

He'll go with her to all of them, if she wants, but he knows that theafteris going to be just as hard as the treatment has been.

He calls Jackson and makes sure that Lucy's part of the rent is covered and then, as an afterthought, asks when their lease is up.

He calls the shelter and asks about dogs who could be certified as emotional support animals.

He opens theCalifornia Department of Social Servicesand then navigates to theFoster Caretab before closing it out and breathing deeply.

He opens it up again and applies,just in case,and then closes the tab, heart pounding and throat thick with emotion.

He sits back in his chair after he's done and stares at Lucy.

She's curled into a ball on the bed, only the tip of her bare head peaking out. She's stolen Tim's pillow and has her face mushed into it, and Tim smiles at her, completely besotted.

He never thought he'd make it here again, after Isabel.

He never thought he'd fall in love.

He never thought he'd wantmarriageandkidsagain.

But he does.

He wantseverythingwith Lucy.

He turns back around in the chair and starts researching engagement rings.

He wants to find theperfectone.

He researches and checks out ones he thinks she'd like, and then he messages Angela, because he doesn't plan on leaving Lucy's side for any length of time. He sends her a picture and his bank information, and receives a string of emojis, exclamation points, and hearts in response.

He laughs, rolls his eyes at the ceiling, and then locks his phone and walks over to the bed.

He doesn't think he can sleep, but he wants to be close to Lucy.

He climbs in the bed, smiling when Lucy moans and then curls into his warm body when he lifts the quilts, and then sighs as he cups the back of her head and holds her close to him.

It hits him all at once that he's planning for afuturein which Lucylives,and it's a little terrifying but mostly it makes him smile and bury his head in Lucy's warm, sweet smelling skin.

Tim hasplans,hedoes.He has reservations to take Lucy to a fancy dinner, but as always, Lucy surprises him.

He manages to fall asleep for a while, and when he wakes up Lucy is straddling his hips, pressing little kisses into his neck and his chest where his shirt has ridden down a little.

She glances up when he moans, and then smiles brightly, her eyes crinkling.

"Hey," she whispers, and Tim smiles, his hands automatically moving to her hips as she wiggles on top of him.

"Hi," he says, and then smiles when Lucy reaches for the hem of her shirt and peels it off slowly. Tim's eyes follow the path of skin that's revealed as she removes her shirt, and then groans when he sees she's not wearing a bra. Her breasts bounce as she tugs her shirt up and off, and he reaches out without conscious thought, cradling the weight of them in his hands.

"I never took you for a boob guy, Bradford," she teases, and Tim glances at her, grinning mischievously as he surges up and wraps his lips around one of her pert, brown nipples. Lucy moans and then giggles as he repositions on the bed, sitting against the headboard and hauling her with him.

"I'm aLucyguy," he mutters when he pulls back, and Lucy rolls her eyes fondly as he switches to her other breast, flattening his tongue and running it around her nipple. His fingers massage the supple flesh, and Lucy sighs, arching her chest into his hands.

"Tim," she moans, and he pulls back to watch the way she rocks back and forth in his lap. She's wearing only a pair of soft, cotton panties, and he fingers the waistband of them as he kisses up her neck and then captures her lips with his.

"Can I make love to you again?" he asks, and Lucy nods, her breath hitching as Tim helps her maneuver so he can tug her panties and his boxer briefs off. Once they're gone, Lucy reaches for his shirt and tugs it off roughly.

"Please, Tim," she begs, and he groans as she sits back in his lap, the heat of her pussy pressing directly over his cock.

"I gotta…" he whispers, and then he's gripping Lucy's hips, gently moving her off of his lap, and Lucy whines in complaint until he placates her with a kiss on the lips. "Lube and condoms," he reminds her, and Lucy blushes but nods as he heads into the bathroom.

This time he grabs the whole kit, and Lucy laughs as he drops it on the bedside table.

"Only a few left. We can pick up more if you think we'll need them," Tim says, and Lucy nods as she reaches for a condom. She tears it open as Tim sits back down, and then she crawls into his lap, leaning back just far enough to roll the condom over his length before pressing the small bottle of lube into his hand.

"Yes," she says, because she plans on takingfulladvantage of their time out of the hospital. She wants to make love to Tim as many times as she can, as often as her body will let her.

Tim hums and kisses her as he soaks his fingers in lube and presses them between her thighs. Lucy moans as he slides them inside of her, and Tim coaxes her lips open, deepening their kiss as he adds more lube, both to Lucy and to the condom.

"Ready, baby?" he asks, and Lucy nods. Tim reaches down to wrap his fingers around the base of his cock, and then he's guiding it inside of her, letting gravity do most of the work as she sinks down onto him.

Tim has had plenty of sex in his life, but he hasn't oftenmade love.

This, with Lucy, ismaking love.His pleasure is secondary, though he doeslovethe way he feels inside of her. Instead of focusing on his own pleasure, though, he's focused onher.He's focused on kissing her and running his hands over every inch of her body. He takes time to bring her to the edge once, and then again, whispering his love into her skin and her lips as he rocks in and out of her body.

He doesn't let himself come until Lucy is trembling in his arms, her eyes glazed and her head thrown back.

"Tim," she whimpers, and he smiles, pulling her flush against him and kissing her, their wet, swollen lips meeting again and again as he comes inside of her.

He holds her for a long time afterward, after he gets rid of the condom and cleans them both up.

He kisses her and tells her he loves her, and then, whenhiswords no longer seem adequate enough, he grabs their book off of the nightstand and opens it up, reading her the words ofothers,though he thinks that maybe the words to explain to her how much he loves her haven't even been invented yet.

Whenever I am away from you,
the distance between us
a burdensome thing,
I always think of you in colors,
the smell of coffee as you so
proudly make it for me,
the perfect sunlight spilling
in through the window.
I miss you even when you
are beside me.
I dream of your body
even when you are sleeping
in my arms.

The words I love you
could never be enough.

I suppose we'll have to invent
new ones.

He doesn't tell her about the ring, or about the fostering application he'd submitted, or even about how he'd filled out an initial inquiry into adopting a dog for them.

Hehopes,and he'splanningfor the future, but he's not quite ready tosharethose plans.

Soon,though, he thinks, and he buries his head in Lucy's neck and breathes her in.

Soon.

Chapter 27

Chapter Text

Week 11: April 28th, 2020

On Lucy's second day of freedom (after a round of very lazy, very slow, sensual morning sex) Tim takes her to the zoo.

Lucy raises her eyebrow and Tim shrugs, a light blush staining his cheeks as he pays for their tickets and then rents a wheelchair. He helps Lucy sit down in it, and then arranges their backpack of supplies for the day over the handles.

"We're limited on what we can do, right?" he says, and Lucy chuckles as he kneels in front of her and helps her put a mask on, making sure it fits snugly and isn't letting in any germs that could set her treatment back. "This fits the bill. Outside, where we have the ability to stay away from people, but still gets you out in the fresh air and the sunshine for the morning. Angela, Nolan, Jackson, and Talia are meeting us for dinner tonight. I made sure to schedule nap time, too."

He stands up, kisses her on the forehead, and then grabs onto the handles of the wheelchair. He's smiling, Lucy notices. More than he's smiled in a while. Maybe more than she'severseen him smile.

She thinks that maybe this break from the hospital is just as good for him as it is for her, and she's so thankful for the time they have together.

"As long as we get to see the Red Pandas and the Quokkas," she says, and Tim laughs brightly as he begins steering her wheelchair down the paved path toward a sign promising that their journey starts just around the corner.

"What thefuckis a Quokka?" Tim asks, and Lucy tips her head back, smiling up at him.

"It's… well, kind of hard to explain, but they'reso cute. Here, let me show you," she says, and Tim is content to push her chair and wait as she googles pictures.

She eventually holds the phone up and Tim laughs at the image on the screen.

"They're …kindof cute," he admits, and Lucy grins triumphantly as she takes her phone back.

"They're adorable and I love them," she declares, and Tim rolls his eyes fondly as he pauses her wheelchair next to an information kiosk. He grabs one of the maps, passing Lucy a second so she can see where they're going, too, and then studies it for a moment.

The zoo is split into six different areas, each themed after a part of the world, and first up is South America. The macaw is Lucy's favorite, whereas Tim enjoys watching the maned wolves. They both agree the jaguars are a letdown, though Tim can't blame them for lazing in the shade. It's an unseasonably warm day, and if he and Lucy are struggling in the humidity of North Carolina, he imagines that animals with fur coats aren't fairing much better.

Lucy takes time to read every placard for every animal, learning everything she can about each exhibit and enclosure, and Tim either pushes her chair or follows along slowly behind her when she feels like she can walk.

He's never been particularly into the zoo, but watching Lucy's eyes light up as she sees each animal is worth every second they spend in the hot sun.

Their next stop is Australia, where Tim is introduced to the emu rather dramatically.

One moment he's parking Lucy's wheelchair and helping her stand, and the next he's whipping his head around, eyes wide as he hears one of the zoo keepers yelling at the top of her lungs as she runs toward the low fence of the enclosure.

"Emmanuel, NO!Don't do it, Emmanuel!Don't do it!"

Tim has approximately three seconds to be amused by the fact that they've named one of the emus Emmanuel before he's covered in emu spit.

The zookeeper, a young girl who can't be more than 23 or 24, grimaces and wrings her hands as she comes to stand behind Emmanuel.

"I'm so sorry, sir," she begins, but Tim can't even pretend to be annoyed because Lucy is laughing so hard she has to sit back down and he would do anything, he thinks,includingletting random animals spit on him, to hear her laugh like that.

"It's fine," he reassures her, though she still looks wary as he wipes emu spit off of his face.

"Emmanuel is… uh, feisty. Emu's don't normally spit, but Emmanuel likes to take large drinks of water and then shower unsuspecting guests. He's amenace."

Lucy is still giggling, her cheeks bright red and her eyes crinkled, and Tim finds it infectious and he begins chuckling as Emmanuel the Emu side eyes him.

"Seriously, it's fine," he reassures her.

"Best thing to happen today," Lucy adds, and then she's taking a picture of Tim and Emmanuel glaring at each other.

"Donotmake that your phone background," Tim warns, and Lucy shakes her head, biting her lip to try and hold in another bout of laughter as she does something on her phone.

"I wouldnever,"she says, and Tim eyes her warily. "It is now… mylock screen."

She holds up her phone and Tim rolls his eyes as he sees the photo of him and Emmanuel. The emu is staring at him, hair raised, and Tim is glaring right back, water dripping from his forehead.

He can't be mad, though, because the thought of Lucy seeing his face every time she opens her phone makes his chest warm.

"You made Lucy's day, Emmanuel," Tim says, pointing a finger toward the emu who looks strangely proud of himself. "So you're off the hook."

Emmanuel makes a deep, rolling grunt noise, and Tim takes a step back.

The zookeeper laughs and pets Emmanuel's back. "That's a normal sound for an Emu. He's not being, like, aggressive or anything."

"Oh. That's good," Tim says, and then he chuckles and shakes his head as his phone chimes in his pocket. "You sent that to the group chat, didn't you?" he asks, and Lucy smiles, unrepentant.

"Yes."

"Oh, it's a good thing I love you," he murmurs, and Lucy smiles up at him, her hand finding his and holding on tight.

"You guys are cute," the zookeeper says. "I hope you have a good time at the zoo today!"

"We will," Lucy assures her, and Tim nods in agreement as he reaches for the handles on Lucy's chair.

The zookeeper waves and Emmanuel grunts at them as they walk off, and Tim hums as he leans down and kisses Lucy's forehead.

"Where to next?" he asks, and Lucy grins up at him as she points toward the next enclosure full of kangaroos.

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford

Angela: [Image of Angela, Talia, Nolan, and Jackson making faces at the camera] We're getting ready to get on the plane now!

Lucy: [Image of Tim scowling at a smug-looking goat] See you soon!

Nolan: What the fuck.

Lucy: Gerald pushed me down and stole all the food that he was supposed to share with the other goats. Tim is mad at him.

Jackson: Oh my GOD. This one is getting printed and hung up in the break room. This is actual gold.

Nolan: … did… did you name the goat, Lucy?

Lucy: No.

Lucy. Maybe.

Tim: Gerald is a menace and I put in a complaint. He shouldn't be allowed in the petting area.

Lucy: I'm fine, Tim.

Tim: You have bruises.

Lucy: Sometimes bruises can be a good thing, Bradford.

Angela: MY EYES. I will never be able to un-read that.

Lucy: Have a safe flight!

Later that evening, after a nap and a shower, Tim and Lucy meander slowly through the downtown streets of Durham hand in hand. The restaurant they're meeting their friends at is less than half a mile from the hotel, and Tim knows that as long as they move slowly Lucy will be fine.

They're just walking up to the restaurant door when they hear Lucy's name shouted loudly, and then she's suddenly surrounded and swept up by her fellow rookies. While Lucy is busy being hugged half to death by Jackson and Nolan, Tim grabs Angela's hand and hauls her to the side, out of earshot of the others.

"Did you get the thing?" he asks, his voice a hushed whisper, and Angela rolls her eyes as she shoves a small, velvet box into his hands. Tim can tell her irritation is just for show, though, because she's practically vibrating out of her skin as she hugs him, and when she pulls back her eyes are sparkling and she's bouncing on her heels a little bit.

"Yes,I got the thing, Tim!Oh my god,I'm so fucking excited! When are you proposing?"

Tim shrugs, though he already has half a plan.

"Is it too soon if I do it before we head back to the hospital?"

Angela shakes her head and then hugs him again, happiness for him shining in her eyes. "No, it's not too soon. Tim, I'm sofucking happyfor you. I'm so happy that you've found love again, that you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with."

"Yeah," Tim agrees, and he's happy, too, though he's less certain than Angela seems to be that it will be for the rest ofhislife.

He's beginning to hope, but he doesn't want to get too far ahead of himself. Lucy's numbers are good, and her doctors are hopeful, but he knows that cancer can be unpredictable and he doesn't want to be completely crushed if she turns a corner and starts going downhill again.

He wants to remain prepared, at least a little bit, for the worst.

"No matter what, I want to spend every moment we have left together," he murmurs, and Angela sighs as she takes his hand and starts hauling him back toward the group.

"That is going to be avery long time,Tim," she assures him. "Lucy's strong, and she's going to beat this thing. You're going to have the rest of your lives.Bothof your lives."

Tim smiles, and he hopes, and when they rejoin the group, he takes Lucy into his arms.

They're seated on the patio where Lucy can take off her mask and breathe in the fresh air, and they spend the evening talking and laughing with their friends. Nolan and Jackson tell the stories of Plain Clothes Day, and Lucy laughs so hard she can't breathe as Nolan tells her the story of busting into the hotel room of a new mom and then having to rock her child back to sleep. Jackson tells the tale of being thwarted at every turn, and not making asinglearrest on his plainclothes day.

"But in the end, it was a really good day," he summarizes, and Lucy smiles softly at him as he tells her about giving a grieving widow her husband's watch to remember him by.

"It sounds fun," she whispers, and Tim wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her closer.

"You'll get your plain clothes day someday," he murmurs, and he hopes desperately that she will.

"Maybe," Lucy sighs, and then she turns to smile at her friends. "I hope so. Though it'll be weird, not having Tim as my TO."

"Eh," Angela says, and she grins as she sips on her beer. "I can take you on. You'll find that my training methods aremuchmore palatable than Bradford's."

Tim rolls his eyes. "I won't be coming back as a TO, anyway, at least not permanently. I'm taking the sergeants exam next time it rolls around," he says, and Lucy smiles proudly while Angela sits up straighter in surprise.

"Wait. What?Since whenhave you been interested in being a sergeant?"

Tim shrugs as he sips his own beer. "I've had… a lot of downtime. Grey messaged me last week with a list of books to read, and then told me to get to work studying because the exam is in six months. I ordered them all on Amazon, and they should be here within the week."

"That's awesome," Jackson says, and Nolan nods in agreement.

"Yeah, I think it'll be a good change," Tim murmurs, and he clinks his beer bottle against Angela and Talia's when they hold theirs up.

The rest of dinner passes in a blur of smiles, laughter, and good food, and the entire time Tim holds Lucy close to his side and thinks about the ring in his pocket.

They have three days left before they have to go back to Duke, and he's already working on a plan.

Chapter 28

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Week 11: April 29th, 2020

Lucy's third day of freedom is spent with the gang. They spend the morning taking walks, talking and catching up, and enjoying food thatisn'tfrom the hospital or a vending machine.

(Timspends the morning avoiding knowing looks from Angela, and then glaring at her because she'sgoing to give his plans away).

Around one in the afternoon, though, Lucy starts drooping, and Tim herds them all back toward the hotel. Angela and Talia have their own room, as do Nolan and Jackson, but they all follow Tim and Lucy into their room, anyway.

Jackson stares at the bed cautiously, and Tim rolls his eyes as he whips the blanket back and helps Lucy settle down for a nap on his side.

"They change the sheets daily, oh my god," he grumbles, and Jackson grimaces but crawls into the bed anyway, sitting against the headboard as Angela, Talia, and Nolan all climb in, too. Tim curls on the edge of the bed, pulling Lucy into his arms, and then glares at all of their friends.

"I may not carry my off duty weapon anymore, but if anyonecuddlesme I'll still hurt you."

Lucy chuckles and lays her head on Tim's chest, staring up at him sleepily as Angela comanderes the TV controller and begins flipping through the channels.

"You're a big softy," she murmurs, and Tim smiles softly at her before glaring at the others.

"Only for you," he says, and then he backs his statement up by kicking Nolan's foot when it comes too close to his.

"Love you," Lucy whispers, and Tim kisses her on the head as he tucks the blanket tightly around her.

"Love you, too, Lu. We'll be here when you wake up. Get some rest."

Lucy murmurs something that Tim doesn't quite catch, and then her eyelids flutter closed. No one speaks until he starts snoring softly, too worried that they'll wake her up, but once it's clear that she's out, Angela unmutes the TV and then turns to where Tim is trying to pretend that there aren't four extra people in his bed.

"How is she doing?" Talia asks softly, and Tim sighs as he runs his fingers gently over Lucy's cheek.

"She's… she's doing OK. The last set of tests came back better than they have since this whole thing started. The cancer is responding really well to the chemo and radiation. They … they're cautiously optimistic, according to Dani. We're a little over halfway done with treatment, so..."

"She's strong," Angela whispers, and Tim nods.

"She is. She's … she's come so far. It's been a bumpy road. It would be nice if this trend of good news continued."

"It will," Jackson says confidently. "She's gone through so much. Ithas to."

"She'll be back at the station running circles around us soon enough," Nolan agrees from where he's curled up on the foot of the bed. "She's never let anything keep her down. Did you know she pulled a hamstring while we were at the Academy? We were running the 10-mile, and she went down hard halfway through. She got back up, though, and finished. She finished last, but shefinished.She'll finish this, too."

Tim swallows around a lump in his throat, and then turns his attention toward the TV to hide the way his eyes are moist.

"And," Angela adds, reaching over and tangling her fingers in Tim's hair. He glares at her but she doesn't back down. Instead she begins running her fingers comfortingly along his scalp, and Tim sighs because it feelsnice."She hasyou,Tim. She has you, and she has us. She has a family waiting for her back at Mid-Wilshire. She has a huge support network. She knows she's not alone, that she'llneverbe alone. And … you're not alone, either. You know that, right? We're here foryou,too, Tim."

Tim nods and ducks his head down, pressing his forehead against Lucy's collarbone and ignoring the way his eyes sting.

"I know."

There's silence in the room for a few long minutes as they watch things blow up on TV. There's the soft sound of Lucy snoring and the low volume of the terrible action movie Angela had picked, and it lulls Tim into a relaxed state that's not quite sleeping butclose.

It's comforting, being surrounded by their friends. He pretends he hates it, hates having everyone squished into the full size bed that he and Lucy share, but he … doesn't, at least not completely.

"Thank you," he whispers into the silent air, and he expects someone to question him, to ask what he's thanking them for, but no one does.

Angela's fingers tighten in his hair, Jackson's foot brushes up against his calf as he snuggles Lucy, and Talia scoots a little closer to all of them.

Thank you for being here,he wants to say.

Thank you for being our support system, for making Lucy smile, and for being out family.

He doesn't say any of that, but… he thinks they know what he means, anyway.

Tim doesn't want to propose to Lucy publically, because he thinks public proposals are gaudy and not really fair to the one being proposed to. No one should feelpressureto say yes.

He knows he wants to do itbeforethey go back to the hospital, but by the time their last night rolls around, he's still no closer to finding the perfect moment.

He wants it to be special, to be something Lucy will remember with a smile during even the hardest times. He wants it to be a story they can tell their children and their grandchildren. He wants it to be something that they think back on with a smile, which means that he will not, under any circumstances, be doing it in the hospital.

He spends until their very last night in the hotel trying to find the perfect moment.

It never comes.

He's laying on the bed, his back propped up against the headboard, when Lucy comes out of the bathroom. She's dressed in a pair of panties and one of his large t-shirts, her head wrap is askew, and she's smiling so softly that Tim's heart flips and then settles in his chest, racing.

The thing is… he doesn't think there's such a thing as theperfect moment.

And, well... this moment is as perfect as any other.

"Lu," he whispers, and she pauses where she's just started climbing into the bed.

"Yeah?" she asks, and he grins, moving until he's on the edge of the mattress.

The ring is burning a hole in his pocket, like it has been for the past two days, and the words he wants to say are jumbled in his head, a mess of love declarations and poems and words that are wholly inadequate to describe how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

Tim smiles and helps Lucy sit down on the edge of the bed because she's still weak, and then he slides off of the bed, landing softly on the carpet with one knee pressed to the floor and the other jammed into the side of the bed.

It's imperfectly perfect, and he can see the exact moment Lucy realizes what's happening.

She gasps, her eyes growing wide and her lips twitching up into a smile.

He takes her hand in his and reaches into his pocket, pulling the ring box out and opening it slowly.

"Tim…" Lucy breathes, and she's crying now, but Tim knows it's agoodcry. Tears are slipping slowly down her cheeks, and he wants to surge up and kiss them away but he has so many things he wants to say first.

"Lucy," he begins, and then he has to pause to take a breath because his throat is tight and his chest aches with how much he wantsforeverwith this woman.

He wants sleepy mornings and late nights. He wants to make love to her every day for the rest of their lives. He wants to have babies and dogs and to build ahomewith her. He wants everything, forever.

"I love you," he begins, because really, that's the most important thing. "I am so in love within you that sometimes I can'tbreathe,Lucy. I look at you and my heart stops, and then it starts again because you're the reason it beats now. I… I've never felt a love like this, Lucy. I've been in love, but… this ismore.This is easy. It's effortless. It's… it's as easy as breathing. Easier, even, because even when I'm no longer breathing I'll still love you."

Lucy sniffles and presses a hand over her mouth. Her hand, still in his, is trembling, and Tim realizes after a moment that his hand is shaking, too.

"There's a poem in your book that I read sometimes while you're sleeping. It's short, and simple, but… it … well."

He pauses, and takes a breath, and then recites the words to her.

"How I know it was love? It was as if I had fallen asleep inside her soul and awoke to a string of dreams rather than just life.Lucy, before I met you, I was just living. I was making it through each day. I was a broken, angry man, and you… you didn't change me, because you can't really change another person. Instead you did somethingbetter.You mademe want to change myself.I wanted to become a better person, for you. I'm no longer just living, Lucy. I'm …"

He doesn't know what words will sum up what he feels, but Lucy is smiling like she knows, anyway.

"I am so in love you you, is what I'm trying to say. I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you, and go to sleep with you. I want to have a family, and adopt a dog that we argue over who has to walk. I want ahome,and alifewith you. Will you marry me, Lucy?"

There's one long second of silence (the longest of Tim's life, honestly) before Lucy is throwing herself into his arms, sobbing and nodding and repeating the same word over and over andoveragain.

"Yes, Tim. Yes, yes,yes."

Tim deflates in relief and stands, bringing Lucy with him. He pulls back just long enough to slide the ring onto her finger with shaking hands, and then he's holding her again, cupping her cheek and kissing her desperately. Their tears mingle where their cheeks are squished together, and they're both smiling too widely for the kiss to be any good, but neither of them mind.

"I love you," Lucy murmurs, and then she buries her head in his chest, pressing her ear over his chest and listening to the thundering of his heart as he holds her close and rocks them back and forth.

After a long moment he pulls away, and something in the air shifts. He feelsdesperatefor her. To have her under him, to make love to her, toshowher how deeply he cares about her, how completely he loves her.

"Please," Lucy whispers, and Tim smiles when he realizes that he'd spoken that all aloud.

He presses her into the bed and makes love to her slowly that night. When they come together they're both sobbing, tears slipping down their cheeks as they kiss and hold each other desperately.

Tim knows that tomorrow morning they'll be back in the hospital.

But he has a feeling, for the first time since Lucy told him that she had cancer, that everything will be okay.

Notes:

Heads up, there will be a slight time skip in the next chapter.

Chapter 29

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Nine Weeks Later -Week 20: June 29th, 2020

To: You'd Better Keep Us Fucking Updated, Bradford

Tim: [image of Lucy laying on her hospital bed, cheeks flushed giving a thumbs up] Last treatment! Lucy will finish her last chemo and radiation today, then they're going to keep her through the weekend and release her Monday morning. She has to come back in about 3-4 weeks for testing to see if she's in remission. We'll be back in CA by Monday night, and we are so excited to see everyone.

Angela:️

Jackson: Congratulations, Lucy!

Nolan: I am so happy for you. for good test results in a few weeks!

Talia: We are so happy for you, Lucy! You have been a fighter and you're going to kick cancer's ASS!

Talia: Also, Tim, Angela and I are at your house today making sure it's ready for you guys when you get back. We're going shopping, too. What do you need?

Tim: Thank you for doing that. Have the boxes we sent arrived?

Angela: Yeah.

Tim: That's all of Lucy's stuff from the hospital. Can you put it all in my room? She'll be staying with me at least until we have her final results.

Angela: Sure. But we all know she's going to be staying with you forever. We've seen the ring, Bradford.

Tim: We'll see. It's all up to her. As for things I need, I have no idea. I haven't been home in months. Can you check and make sure I have the basics, like laundry soap, toothpaste, and body wash? I'll send you a list of groceries later, too, but if you forget anything it's not a big deal. I can have things delivered if we need them.

Angela: We've got this, Bradford. Leave it to us.

Talia: Also, we're having a BBQ at your place when you're back and Lucy is well enough.

Nolan: Jackson and I are working on the yard. Your landscaping guy … isn't great. He mowed and everything, but the flower beds are a disaster and the house needs power washing. Your gutters are clogged, too.

Angela: And thedustinside! Oh my god! Lucy will get pneumonia just being in here.

Tim: I don't think that's how that works. You guys don't have to do all of that, seriously.

Nolan: We know we don'thaveto. We want to. Also your guest room shower leaked. I fixed it.

Tim: Thank you.

Angela: You're welcome, Tim.

Tim: We'll see you soon.

Angela: OMG I didn't know that you knew what an emoji was, Bradford!

Tim:

Lucy laughs at her phone when she sees his message, and Tim is distracted from the group chat by the way her eyes sparkle and her skin flushes.

She's still weak and she still gets nauseous with each round of chemo, but she's been in better spirits and her numbers have been trending upward the past several weeks. They've been able to take more breaks outside of the hospital, and Dani had teased them the whole time that the ring on Lucy's finger and the promises it carried were what had changed her outlook on chemo and had given her something to fight for.

Tim knows, of course, that their engagement wasn't the only reason, though he knows it was part of it.

Oncehebelieved, it was easier forLucyto believe.

He'd given her a ring and a promise of the future, and then they'd both fought like hell toreachthat future.

"I know what emojisare,"he defends himself, and Lucy laughs as she reaches for his hand. "I just choose not to use them because they're childish."

"So is flipping someone off over text," Lucy tells him, and Tim shrugs as he props his feet up on her bed and entwines their fingers.

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," he says, and Lucy chuckles as she lays back against her mattress.

"I can't believe we're goinghomein less than 72 hours," she whispers, and Tim's hand tightens around hers becausehecan't believe it, either.

There have been so many moments on this journey where he thought she'dneverbe able to come home, so for it to beso close…to be packing their bags and sending most of their things to his house… to be researching life after chemo, to be planning on how he can go back to work and still be available to take care of Lucy…

It's alot,but in a good way.

"I can't believe it, either," he murmurs, and then, when silence descends over the room, he adds, "And… about what Angela said. You don't have to stay with me if you don't want to, Lucy. I don't want to take away your choices. You can stay at your place, I'm sure Jackson would be happy to help you out with anything you need, and —"

Lucy cuts him off by pressing their entwined fingers to his lips.

"Tim. Iwantto stay with you. I love you, I'm going tomarry you.I want to sleep in your bed and wake up with you in the morning, and-and maybe it's fast… but our entire relationship has been a little untraditional. So… if you don't mind me staying, I want to stay with you."

She doesn't add that she hopes it'll become a long term arrangement, but she has a feeling he's thinking the same thing.

"OK," Tim says, and he kisses her knuckles before moving their clasped hands back to the bed.

Lucy closes her eyes and relaxes back into the bed. She feels a little shitty from the chemo, but more than anything she'sexcited.

She can't wait to start her life with Tim away from the hospital.

Tim opens the door of his house and flicks on the lights, sighing deeply as he looks around the familiar living room, the pictures on the walls, thesmellof hishome.

"Welcome home," he murmurs, and he kisses Lucy on the head as he closes the door behind them. He sets all of their bags down on the floor and then takes her hand, guiding her further into the house and then standing in the middle of the living room, a little bit lost. "Do you, uh… are you… are you hungry?"

Lucy shakes her head and then reaches for Tim's hand.

"I'm tired. Can we lay down?"

Tim nods and guides her down the hallway, opening his bedroom door and turning on the light. Lucy walks inside and sighs, tension flooding from her body as she walks toward Tim's bed. She presses her hand to the comforter, and then sits down, moaning at how soft the mattress is.

Tim walks over and kneels in front of her, gently guiding her tennis shoes off of her feet and lining them up beside the bed. He reaches for the button on her jeans, glancing up to make sure it's OK, and then unbuttons them when she nods. He tugs them down her legs and throws them in the direction of the hamper before helping her raise her hands and take her shirt and bra off.

"I'm not trying to start anything," he murmurs, and Lucy giggles as he takes his own shirt off and then pulls it on over her head. Lucy buries her nose in the shoulder and breathes his scent in and then lays back when Tim presses on her shoulder.

"Maybe after we take a nap," Lucy says, and then yawns loudly while she watches Tim take his own jeans and socks off. Once he's down to his boxer briefs he crawls into the bed behind her and wraps his arms around her middle, pulling her back against him.

They rest for the first time together in Tim's bed, and it's perfect.

Lucy wakes up several hours later with a burst of energy. She grins and wiggles back against Tim, who she's happy to notice is hard against her ass.

"Mmmm good morning," Tim murmurs, and Lucy giggles as she turns around in his arms.

"It's not morning, but it isgood,"she says, and Tim laughs, not even opening his eyes as he finds her hips with his hands and hauls her on top of him. Lucy leans down and kisses him, and Tim sighs as he helps Lucy straddle his lap. Her knees press into the bed on either side of his hips, and she presses her panty covered center over his hard cock.

"Mmm you feel good," Tim murmurs, and Lucy giggles as she reaches across the bed and into his bedside table.

"Do you have condoms?"

Tim nods and helps her search, and then pauses when he pulls a strip out.

"Uh… I'm not actually sure how old these are. I haven't… had sex with anyone other than you since…"

Since Isabel.

Lucy takes it from him and stares at it critically, searching for the expiration date.

"It says… oh, it's good until August. That's like a whole month away."

She tosses it on the bed beside their hips and then reaches down, tugging at Tim's boxer briefs.

"And besides, we're only using them because of the chemo. I'm not… it's not like I can get pregnant."

Tim hums in agreement, and then moans when Lucy manages to get his briefs off. She tosses them to the side and then wraps her hand around his length, her thumb brushing over the tip and using the precome she finds there to make her hand glide over him more easily.

"I can't wait to feel you inside of me without a condom," she says, and Tim moans as she scoots down the bed until her face is even with Tim's groin.

"Doc said a week, just to be safe," he groans, and then he can't speak at all because Lucy is wrapping her lips around his length and sucking him into her mouth. Tim tangles his fingers in the sheets and tries not to push up into her mouth, and Lucy smiles as she wraps her tongue around him.

"God you're good at that," he groans, and Lucy hums around him and as she runs her petite hand up and down what she can't fit in her mouth. "But,fuck…but, Lu, I need… god, come up here please."

Lucy pulls off of Tim's cock reluctantly and then crawls back up his body, flopping down on his chest as he reaches for the band of her panties. Lucy helps him and then kicks them off, giggling when they get stuck on her foot.

She stops him, though, when he reaches for the t-shirt he'd pulled on her earlier and shakes her head. "Can I keep it on?" she asks, and Tim throws a hand over his eyes.

"You're going to kill me," he groans, and Lucy laughs as she reaches for the condom on the bed. She tears it open and then rolls it down Tim's length and then grabs for the lube Tim had set out.

"But what a way to go," she says, and Tim laughs as he flips their positions and presses Lucy's legs open. He takes the lube from her and then coats his fingers before pressing them inside of her. Lucy moans and thrusts her hips up into the touch, loving the way that Tim fills her so well, both with his fingers and his cock.

"I'm good, I'm good," she says, and Tim hums but adds a little more lube to her center and then to the condom before pressing against her entrance.

"Love you," Tim murmurs, and Lucy moans as he presses all the way inside in one smooth stroke. He bottoms out and stills, holding his body above Lucys as she adjusts to having him inside of her after several long weeks.

"Move," she tells him, and he does, leaning down to cup her jaw and kiss her while he pulls out and then pushes back in, slowly at first and then picking up speed. He brushes the hand not on her jaw up her stomach and under his shirt, cupping her breasts in his hand as he thrusts.

They make love slowly and sweetly, and Tim holds back as long as he can before he comes though eventually he gives in, trembling with his release.

"Sorry," he murmurs, but Lucy shakes her head as he pulls out and quickly disposes of the condom before pressing her legs open again and rubbing his thumb against her clit.

"Not your fault," Lucy says, and then groans as Tim thrusts first two and then three fingers inside of her. "Just… fucking chemo side effects."

Tim laughs, and kisses Lucy's thigh as he circles the thumb of her free hand around her clit and then the opening of her pussy.

"I can't wait until I can get you off with my mouth," he says, and Lucy moans, her hands tangling in his hair and her thighs trembling as Tim pushes her close to the edge.

It's harder getting her off than he's used to, but Tim Bradford doesn't do things halfway, and he smiles and kisses her as he pushes her over the edge, prolonging her pleasure as long as he can.

Eventually Lucy groans, overstimulated, and Tim removes his fingers, wiping them on the covers of the bed before laying down beside her and taking her into his arms. He buries his head in her neck, breathing in the scent of her and him on his shirt, and he sighs as he tangles their legs together.

"Sorry. I'll get better at that," he says, and Lucy shakes her head as she maneuvers so that she can kiss him again.

"You'replenty good,Tim. Remember? Dani said this would be a problem. Chemo lowers sex drive. So, Iwantyou Tim,desperately.But … it's harder to come. It's harder for me to get there, but it'll pass. It'll fade. You'reamazing,and it's totally OK that you came first. Don't beat yourself up about it. Besides, in a week… if you can't get me off, you can always go down on me."

Tim wiggles his eyebrows and Lucy laughs, curling closer to him and sighing as she lays her head on his chest.

"Love you, Lu," he murmurs, and Lucy smiles.

"Love you, too."

Notes:

Sorry if updates for my other stories are slow, I am DETERMINED to finish this one out! It's so close! I've written up to chapter 30 and plan on finishing it tonight and then editing and posting over the next few days!

Chapter 30

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter fornotes.)

Chapter Text

Four Weeks Later -July 27th, 2020

Lucy stands outside of the airport, her heart pounding in her chest and her stomach clenching.

She knows that there's no reason she should be anxious aboutgetting on the plane.The plane doesn't hold any bad memories for her, other than vomiting profusely while in the air on the way to Duke. Instead, it's the thought about what's at theendof the plane ride that has her stomach in knots and her heart in her throat.

"Hey."

Lucy finds herself melting back into Tim as he wraps his arms around her waist, and the anxiety bleeds from her body as Tim kisses her neck.

"Ready?" he asks, and Lucy nods.

"Ready," she agrees.

Tim takes her hand and then their shared suitcase from her grip, and he rolls it along behind them as he guides Lucy through the airport. He's so proud of her; last time they'd been in the airport he'd had to push her in a wheelchair, but this time she's navigating it all on her own.

Her strength had come back, slowly, over the past month, and Tim hopesdesperatelythat the cancer is in remission and that she doesn't have to start chemoagain.

They board the plane with everyone else, and Tim helps Lucy settle into the window seat before sliding in next to her.

He holds her hand the entire plane ride, but by the time they land they're both jumpy, tense, and terrified.

"It's gonna be OK… right?" Lucy asks, and her voice is so uncharacteristically quiet and uncertain that Tim pauses in the middle of the airport lobby and takes her into his arms.

"Yeah, it's gonna be fine, Lu," he whispers, because… "Even if these tests don't show what we want to see, you can doanything,baby. You can do another round of chemo if you have to, and I swear that I will be there with youeverystep of the way, no matter what."

Lucy sighs and Tim can feel her tears soaking into his t-shirt.

"I can't do that again, Tim," she whispers, and he holds her tighter because he's not sure if he can, either.

But… he knows he needs to be the strong one, so he takes a deep breath and steels himself.

"You can," he says, and then he sighs as he runs his hand up and down her back. "It will suck. It would be thehardestthing you'd ever done, but youcando it. Believe me, I don't want to go through that again, either, and I know it's not the same… but I will. I will doanythingfor you, Lu, including sitting beside you through more chemo if it comes down to that."

Lucy sniffles and nods against Tim's chest, and then takes a deep breath as she steps back.

"You gonna be okay?" Tim asks, and Lucy nods, reaching for his hand again.

"Yeah. Yeah, we can do this."

Tim hums and kisses her on the head before tugging her toward the luggage carousel.

"All right. Let's go get these tests run, and then we can go see Eleanor while we're waiting on results."

"Oh my god, my favorite patient!"

Lucy and Tim are ambushed thesecondthey step off of the elevator onto the oncology ward, and Lucy finds herself laughing brightly as Dani hugs her, and then Tim, and then her again.

"Hey, Dani," she says, and Dani is practically bouncing on her heels as she pulls back.

"How are you feeling? Are you excited for today? You look sohealthy,Tim must be taking great care of you!"

Lucy laughs and take Dani's hand, letting her pull her toward the reception desk where she'll get checked in.

"We're doing great, and Timistaking great care of me. He's the best fiance ever."

Tim grins but rolls his eyes as he stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"I remember when you two first got here," Dani says, and she's talking a mile a minute as she pushes paperwork across the desk for Lucy to fill out. "You two were in somedeepdenial. I would watch this one just stare at you some night, justfullof love and longing, and I can't tell you howhappyI am that you finally found each other."

Lucy turns and smiles at Tim, her eyes sweeping over the way he leans so casually on against the counter, comfortable in his jeans and henley. He's so handsome, and she really is so lucky that he loves her the way she loves him.

"Me, too," she says, and then Dani hugs her one more time before giving them space and time to finish registering.

Lucy is fit with a wristband and checked in, and then she and Tim move to the waiting room. It feels like a small eternity before her name is called, but in reality it's less than half an hour.

Lucy still isn't prepared.

"Here we go," Tim murmurs, and Lucy attempts a smile as she stands up. Tim takes her hand immediately and holds on tightly as they're shown to a room.

In the end, it's kind of anticlimactic.

They take enough blood that Lucy begins to feel like a pincushion, then they start an IV and take her for a CT and an MRI.

Tim waits, pacing the length of the waiting room, until she's returned.

"Hey," he says, and Lucy reaches for him immediately. Tim goes to her, because he willalwaysgo to her, and she melts into his arms with relief.

"It's over," she says, and Tim hums.

Now all they have to do is wait for results.

"Oh my goodness, you guys are going to beso excitedto see this!"

Debbie greets Lucy and Tim very enthusiastically at the reception desk of the NICU before grabbing Lucy's hand and then Tim's, and hauling them into one of the rooms off of the main NICU floor.

"Eleanor is off all of her wires and tubes!" she squeals excitedly, and Lucy feels her entire heartmeltwhen she sees the baby, gurgling and cooing in her crib, her cheeks chubby and her brown eyes bright.

"Hey, Ella!" Lucy coos, and she looks to Debbie for permission before reaching into the crib and scooping the baby up. Eleanor squeals and sticks one chubby hand in her mouth as Lucy settles her in her arms, supporting her head in one palm while she leans down and breathes in her soft, baby scent.

"She's passed almost all of her NICU milestones, and she'll be ready to be released soon," Debbie continues, though Tim is only half listening as he watches Lucy cradle the baby, her face soft and her lips turned up in a loving smile as she brushes her fingers over the baby's cheek.

"What… what will happen to her?" Tim asks, forcing him to tear his eyes away from Lucy and Eleanor. "Uh, you said she was a Safe Haven Baby. So, where will she go?"

"Well," Debbis says, and she's smiling in a way that makes Tim a little nervous. "She'll be put up for adoption soon. She might have alittlebit of trouble finding a home because she was born drug addicted, though. That can come with life long issues, learning disabilities, and she's more likely to have issues with behavior, inattention, and she could have a lower IQ. All of that… makes hernotfirst choice for most families."

"But she's anangel,"Lucy murmurs, and Tim lets his eyes wander back over to her. She's holding Eleanor to her chest now, and the baby looks drunk with happiness at the cuddles she's receiving. She has her thumb in her mouth and her eyes are fluttering as she makes happy little noises.

"She is," Debbie agrees. "But … I've been doing this job for a long time. Heroin babies struggle to get adopted."

"That's so sad," Lucy says, and Tim feels himself fall further in love as she rocks Eleanor in her arms, her hand running up and down the baby's back. She kisses her hair and her eyes flutter closed as she breathes in her scent, and Tim doesn't think he could have stopped the next words from passing his lips even if he tried.

"We could take her," he whispers, and he's aware of Debbie's shocked gasp but he doesn't pay it any attention.

Lucy turns to him, her eyes snapping open, and there shock and in her expression but also… hope?

Tim clears his throat and continues. "Uh, I'm foster certified. I finished the required trainings, all I have to do is pass a home visit and then… then I'm ready to go. I know it's not ideal because we live so far away, but …"

Before Tim knows what's happening Lucy is barreling into his chest (gently, because of Eleanor) and his first instinct is to wrap his arms around her. He holds her, and the baby they've been cuddling since she was less than two pounds, and it feelsright.

"Tim," Lucy whispers, and he smiles as he kisses her head. "Why…when?"

He knows what she means, even if she's not able to clearly communicate it.

"That week we were allowed out of the hospital. I… applied for foster certification, because I hoped… if not Eleanor,one day.I hoped one day we would be able to foster or adopt and start a family of our own."

Debbie is practically vibrating in place. She claps her hands together, capturing Tim and Lucy's attention.

"I know you're here for testing today, but if you have some time I can call and get a hold of Eleanor's case worker! I don't know the details about all of that stuff, but she will. Oh my goodness, I wouldlove itif Eleanor went to you. You guys have been here for her since she was so little, and she already loves you both so much."

Tim and Lucy both glance down at the baby squished between them.

"Uh, Tim, but what if… what if my tests come back and I have to do more chemo?"

"Families with babies go through chemo all the time," he murmurs softly, because he knows that if he fosters or adopts this baby with Lucy, he's in it for the long haul. He wants to raise EleanorwithLucy, of course, but… "We can get an apartment close by if we need to. We'll do what we have to."

Debbie squeals happily, bringing them back to the present, and then holds out a hand.

"Wait. So are you guysserious?Because I will go call her case workerright nowif you are."

Tim glances at Lucy and raises an eyebrow.

She bites her lip and then looks down at Eleanor.

They've watched her grow and thrive. They'd been with her when she'd been taken off of the ventilator and then, later, when she'd had her feeding tube removed.

Tim had given Eleanor her first bottle.

They'd changed her diapers and had cuddled her through some of the hardest times of her little life.

They'd held her and cried over her and fallen in love with her.

Taking her home with them, making her a part of theirfamily…it just seemsright.

"Yes," she whispers, and then she melts into Tim's embrace as he holds both her and the baby,their babyhopefully, tighter. "We're sure."

Notes:

Just the epilogue to go! ;)

Chapter 31

Chapter Text

Two Years Later

Tim remembers dreaming, once.

A long time ago, when the future was so uncertain.

He remembers dreaming about laying in a bed by the sea with Lucy.

He remembers dreaming about little feet and happy giggles.

He remembers dreaming about love and happiness and laughter.

He remembers when he'd had that dream that he hadhoped,desperately and with all of his heart, that it was something he would one day be able to actuallyhave.

He remembers two years, three months, and a handful of weeks ago, when he hadn't been brave enough to hope he would one day havethis,his currentreality,and he barely believes that he has itnow.

He stares at Lucy, cradling their newborn to her chest as she feeds him a bottle. He watches as Eleanor toddles around the little cabin, dressed in only a diaper and the tutu she'd refused to take off even on the beach. He laughs as Kojo, the dog they'd raised from a bottle-fed puppy, follows Eleanor around, sniffing at her feet and hoping for snacks as she munches on a cracker.

He watches hisfamily,and he feels ridiculously and utterlyhappy.

He remembers his dream, and he smiles as he stands up from the bed briefly to grab Eleanor around the waist. She giggles and flails her chubby toddler hands, and then curls against his naked chest as he lays down with Lucy and Oliver.

Lucy turns to him and smiles softly and Tim buries his head in Eleanor's brown curls, too overcome to speak.

"I love you," Lucy whispers, and Tim's heart aches as he basks in the sunshine of their seaside cabin. The wind is blowing gently through the windows, and he can hear the sound of the waves crashing in the distance, the cries of the seagulls, and the echoes of laughter and happiness from other families on the beach.

He remembers how he'd been holding Eleanor when Lucy had gotten the news she was in remission.

He remembers the day they brought Eleanor home.

He remembers when Angela had told them that the embryo transfer had worked, and that his and Lucy's baby was growing inside of her.

He remembers Oliver's birth.

He remembers every moment, everysecond,that led him to where he is now.

He remembers all of the bright places in a time that had been so dark he'dalmostlost hope.

"I love you, too," he whispers, and he reaches out to gather his family into his arms.

I wonder in moments sometimes,
if my body were to leave this earth before
yours, where is it and in what tiny matter
of life would I be reborn into? What if I
was reborn inside the color of someone
else's eyes? Would you feel me searching
for you across grains of soil and would
that give you the strength to carry your
eager toes to me and if you to happen to find
me, would a tiny fraction of me be enough
for you?

What if I was reborn in the curl of your smile
and every time your lips leaped across your cheeks
you felt the explosion of our love still madly
rippling inside me?
Would you smile then, and only then, just to feel
I am there?

Wherever it is that I am reborn, after death has
once stolen me from your arms,
I wish
and I hope
and I beg
that the universe will construct a way
to let us love each other
yet again.

Notes:

Chenford Bingo Square: Emergency Room AU