Edward
Bella would be proud, he thought as they unpacked box after box into their new home. He'd indulged Renesmee's wish…since he couldn't give her the mom she wanted…
It had been Renesmee's idea to move to California. To be where the sunshine was and close to Disneyland, beaches and fun possibilities.
Edward reasoned that he'd had savings—enough money with the sale of their home to buy an adequate one and live comfortably for at least a year without having to work.
He still didn't know what he wanted to do as his career…only that being a tax attorney was not serving him. He'd gotten to the point where there was no fun or challenge, or interest…It had been hard enough to get out the door most days.
They'd found a 3 bedroom house about a half hour from the ocean and bought season passes to Disneyland. He thanked Alice for all her help and said goodbye to his life in Portland, and settled Nessie into a routine for home schooling.
It had happened so quickly, and he shoved his pain aside, determined to see a smile on his daughter's face again. Mourning Bella would not serve anyone…not after she'd made it clear that her career was the most important thing to her and doing what she had to for herself. She was making herself happy. Now, Edward had to do that for himself.
"Daddy, Daddy!" Nessie called out.
She sat on the tile floor of her room, amidst boxes that were scattered all over, clothes still toppled over her dresser and desk. She gestured him over and pointed at the screen of her tablet.
"What is it?"
"Just as I was unpacking this picture…I got a notification from Youtube…Bella just posted this video."
Edward wanted to say he didn't want to see it. That he was trying to get over her, but Nessie's insistence compelled him to watch. He flinched as he watched Bella on the video. Her frame appeared even thinner, like she'd lost more weight, as if she could've afforded it with her already slender figure. Bags circled her eyes. And the life was gone from her face.
"Hello to you all. I am making this video because I wanted to apologize to you. I've had a personal setback…" She looked down, pausing for a moment, and she exhaled. When she faced the camera again, she had tears in her eyes. "My intention is to let you know that I am taking a break for personal reasons, that I am only human, and I am doing the best I can, but I am not good to anyone right now."
Her lips trembled, and she bit down on them. "Thank you all so much for watching, I truly apologize to anyone who has been affected by the cancellations and for my absence. Please know that I will be with you in spirit."
The video ended, and Renesmee stared up at Edward with big round eyes. "Oh, Daddy. She has it bad."
The clip cut right into his heart. He wondered if it was because of him. She had been the one to call it off. Bella had left. Now, he'd made the final step in cutting ties with her by getting his number changed and moving to another state, not being somewhere he was haunted by Rose or Bella.
"What are you going to do?" Nessie asked.
"I'm not going to do anything."
"But, Daddy, she can't find us. She doesn't know where to look."
That was untrue, he thought. It's not like Esme wouldn't have spilled the location. If Bella really wanted to, she could find him. Edward was through trying. So many things she'd said in her videos he found to ring true for him, even if he hadn't wanted to hear them at the time, her messages seemed to penetrate through his subconscious.
Make yourself happy.
That was the foundation of her teachings. Now, he was defining himself in his actions. Who was he? What did he want? Who did he want to be? He began by eliminating the things he didn't want. He didn't want to be reminded of Rose at every turn. He didn't like facing the drudgery of his job. He didn't like how serious he was all the time. It's like he'd been born as an adult.
Like Renesmee. Poor thing.
"I don't think this is the time, Ness. It's not meant to be for us. If it were, as you believe, fate would've already brought us together."
"But, Dadddyyyy," she said with a frown, "sometimes fate needs a little help."
"Ness, do you remember what Bella said in the beginning? That if you wanted your manifestation to come true, you needed to stop insisting on the outcome."
"Yes," she said.
"Well, that's it. Stop insisting."
"But, what about Bella? She's my friend. She was yours too."
"True." And he still loved her. "But what do you want me to do?"
"I want us to go find her."
"What if she doesn't want to be found?"
"What if she does? She hasn't moved…I can reach out to her."
"Ness," he said, shaking his head. "Please, stop. I didn't make all these changes to fall back into an old pattern."
"But, don't you see?" She gestured to the blank walls, to the boxes that dotted the floors. "You've changed. You're creating something new…something better."
Edward smiled at the desperation in her tone. He kissed her on the cheek. "She's your friend, and I'm not going to interfere in that friendship. But please don't ask me to do anything else. Please?"
"But, Dad," she said, gesturing to the screen.
"You do what you have to do, and I'm going to do what I have to do to move on."
"But she's given up her tour…that was the reason you two split. Now she's free again. Don't you want to try?"
"I…am going to let it be. Now, let's see what we can get done here today, get up nice and early, and take advantage of our Disneyland passes."
"But, Daddy…"
"I don't want to hear anymore about it, Ness. I mean it."
His daughter blew out a big exhale, and in defeat put down her screen. The frustration tugged her brows together, and though it was easy to give in to her childish notions, he held fast to his resolve.
He kissed her on the forehead, turned, and left Nessie amidst her boxes in her room.
Bella
Bella sat at her dining room table, her laptop screen still open, not daring, not even caring to look at the screen. Two hours had passed since she'd posted that video. The comments were piling up, and she couldn't summon the nerve to read them.
She'd let them all down, and guilt weighed down on her like an elephant.
When her phone rang, she jumped, and glanced at it, knowing it was Angela. She'd already called Bella five times, and Bella knew her friend wasn't going to stop.
"Hello?" Bella said, but she heard the tone of her voice, dull, devoid of feeling.
"Bella? What is going on? You are not seriously cancelling the rest of the tour?"
"I told you I was. Didn't you believe me?"
"I thought you were tired…maybe missing Edward. I cancelled the seminars for the next two months, but I figured you would be good to go for the new year. We've put so many hours into this. We can't just cancel."
"I can't, Angela. I can't give what I don't have. I already feel like such a phony."
"Everybody gets imposter syndrome. But you, Bella, are the real thing. You inspire so many. You can't just stop."
"Angela, tell me the truth."
"Okay. About what?"
"Does our professional relationship mean more to you than our friendship?"
The pause seemed to confirm what Bella expected. "No…well, come on, Bella. This is hard."
"You are supposed to be my best friend. Don't you care about my well-being?"
A sigh came out from the other end of the line. "Of course I do. I'm sorry. I just got caught up…you know."
"Ange, this is what I want you to do. I want you and Mike to go on a cruise, take some sort of vacation."
"I have a better idea. Why don't we go together?"
"Honestly, I…no."
"This is about Edward…"
"Sometimes I think it is, and sometimes I think that I just don't know what I want. So, for now, I think I just want to find some clarity. I need to do that alone."
"You can find clarity on a girls' trip."
"Not this time."
"Gosh, Bella, I'm sorry I've not been there for you. I'll get on a plane."
"No, no, my friend. That's not what I need right now."
"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
"No, of course not. I mean, I might not leave the house. But don't worry, I don't plan on leaving this earthly plane."
Bella flinched at Angela's inference. It had been so long since she'd considered doing something stupid. It had been the biggest mistake she'd made, but Bella had learned from it, moved on. She owed that to the blonde lady in the wheelchair in the emergency room.
The hospital had been packed, and Bella was ashamed of the slits that she'd made in her wrist. If Angela hadn't found her when she had…
The blonde looked so vibrant, so full of life, her round belly giving her that glow that pregnancy gave so well. The mother-to-be was breathing in and out, and in and out…and Bella couldn't stand to make eye contact.
"Hey there," she said to Bella.
"Hey." She didn't want to think about the wonder or the delight, of the bliss this woman was about to encounter. Bella had lost her own baby at the end of the first trimester and when she found Jacob with Leah…she couldn't fathom the thought of going back to Charlie, much less the idea of picking herself up off the ground. The woman's husband was filling out the paperwork, raising his voice at the nurse at the window.
"My wife is in labor."
"We will bring her back as soon as we can."
Bella quickly brushed tears away from her cheeks. It was like life was mocking her. Not only was she not allowed to kill herself, but now she had to sit next to a woman who had it all. Blonde and beautiful with a supportive husband. And a baby soon to round out the perfection. Some people had it all…
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked Bella.
Bella shook her head, and the woman clenched her hands around her belly. "Come on. Please? Distract me. What happened to you?"
Bella looked at the bandage wrapped around her wrist, wishing that Angela would come back and she could face her friend instead of this beautiful young woman with a future Bella had so longed for. At one time.
"I..it was an accident. I was cooking…and the knife slipped…"
"Oh…that's painful…"
"Yeah. It was." Bella changed the subject. "Is this your first baby?"
"Yes, and I'm terrified, actually."
Bella would've traded this depression for the terror this beauty was expressing. "I'm sure everything will be great."
"Yeah," she said, laughing. She'd had the most captivating shade of violet eyes. "It'll be great, nighttime feedings, no sleep, I don't know if I'm going to be a good mother."
"You just do the best you can," Bella heard herself say, even in her pain she wanted to soothe this woman that she would've traded places with.
"I guess that's all you can do," she told her. The husband came back, and Bella hardly noticed the worry on his face.
"Someone will be here soon," he said. "I'm going to call my uncle. This is ridiculous." He pulled out his phone.
She pressed her hand to his, and Bella looked away but a nurse met them and directed them toward the double doors asking how far apart the contractions were.
"Six minutes," he said, "but that can change…quickly…"
The woman in the wheelchair turned to Bella. "Hey…I'm sure everything is going to work out for you…"
Bella didn't see how…but the blonde had been pregnant, not blind. Bella's cheeks flushed, and she nodded to the pregnant woman. "Everything is changing," the blonde continued. "We just take it one day at a time, right?"
Bella nodded, and Angela returned. One day at a time. The blonde lady's words stayed with her. One day at a time. It was a memory she'd suppressed. She'd thought she'd blocked out the whole experience, but here it was raw and sitting there in that crowded hospital, she came to the realization that this was not how she was going to live her life. Maybe this baby was not meant to be, and maybe her marriage had fallen apart. She'd been desperate to feel relief from her pain, but now, she realized that her life had to amount to more than this.
She stood and met Angela, who'd had a clipboard in hand. "Let's go."
"But, Bella…I think you need help…I think you should stay…"
"No, Ange. I can't be here. They'll put me on a psychiatric hold, maybe put me in a hospital, I can't do that to Charlie or to my mom. Please? I promise I won't…I…will get through this again."
Bella stayed with the Mendoza's for the rest of the summer, and she'd been so grateful to her friend for supporting her, for the philosophy class she'd enrolled in at school, for the new life she'd found in Spirituality.
Now looking back on that memory, which seemed only to have been about 8 years ago, had set her on her journey. And she couldn't relate to that lost young woman who'd slit her wrist, but she knew in her heart it was a cry for help…she couldn't have imagined actually killing herself.
Then or now.
A call came in, and she eyed the unfamiliar number but saw that it was the hospital in Forks…funny how she'd just been thinking of that place. Then she accepted the call, telling Angela she would speak to her later.
"Hello?" Fear scurried up from her ankles.
"Hi, Bella. It's Dr. Cullen, I just wanted to let you know about your dad."
Charlie…"What's wrong?"
"He collapsed earlier, and we're running tests, but we're going to admit him. I just thought you would want to know."
"Of course, Dr. Cullen, I'm on my way."
"He's stable. He has an enlarged heart, and I would like to stabilize the rhythm for at least 12 hours before releasing him, so we are monitoring him closely."
"Enlarged heart?"
"Yes. I don't want to worry you. Like I said, he's stable, and we're giving him something to prevent complications."
She thanked him and rushed to her car, her worries running away with her. Complications? Like what? Hadn't he been attending his therapies? During the 2 hour ride to Forks, her friend who'd been working with Charlie confirmed what Bella had feared. He'd stopped treatment.
Now, riddled with fear, the only thing she could think of was her dad, probably scared and alone in a hospital bed. Why had he stopped? Had he heard that she and Edward had broken up? She'd made sure not to say anything… could he have heard it from Esme? Why would she tell him something like that?
When she arrived at the hospital it was after 7pm, and Carlisle met her in the hallway.
"It looks like Charlie had a Transient ischemic attack. It's not uncommon for someone his age who is under a lot of stress."
Stress? What had he been stressed about?
A nurse met Dr. Cullen and inquired about the patient in another room. "If you'll excuse me, Bella, your dad's okay, and I'll be in to see him in a few hours. I'm sure he'd like to see you."
She rounded the corner and ducked into the hospital room around a curtain that separated him from the patient beside him.
When she saw him hooked up to monitors, with tubes coming out of his nose, her heart sank.
"Dad," she said.
"Aw, Bells. I told him not to worry you. I'm fine."
She took the seat in the folding chair beside the bed and reached through the bed rail. "Yeah. You look great," she said, deadpan.
"Hey, look who's talking. You are so pale. And you're so skinny. Is it because you're not seeing that young man of yours?"
"You know about that?"
"Word gets around."
She hung her head. Dammit. These small towns. "Let's not worry about me, okay? What is going on with you? You were doing so well, and Ari told me that you stopped seeing her about 2 months ago."
He scratched his head. "Yeah, you know holistic medicine isn't really covered by insurance…and I'm not sure it was working anyway…"
"Dad…you should've told me. I would've gladly paid."
"Bells, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be a burden…"
"You're not. What the heck, Dad? I've only got one father."
Beeping from the machines blared in the background, but at least the EKG showed steady patterns of zig zags. He was alive, and this was the most important thing. She leaned in and laid her head on his shoulder. "You are going to be fine, you hear me?" Her eyes clouded.
"It doesn't look like I have a choice, do I?"
"I'm serious. When you're released, I'm taking you home with me. I'm going to get you better," Bella promised with no intention of leaving room for argument.
"No. I want to go home. I'll be fine."
She didn't like it, but she knew that left to his own devices, Charlie would likely fall back into the same pattern. And she would be damned if he was going to just waste away what he had left of his life.
He tried to protest. But when he was released two days later, Bella was determined to improve her father's health. Whenever he mentioned Edward, she refused to talk about it, but she kept the energy clear and her mind focused. It had been her lie, possibly that caused all this. How could she have known that it could go so wrong?
She knew better than anyone, sometimes the universe pushed them in directions they didn't want to go. With her dad needing her help, whether he wanted or not, Bella had put away her own sadness. She'd found a new purpose.
A/N: But, wait! you say….what about going to find Edward?! They're even further apart than before! Stay with me…they are both on journeys…and it's not over until it's over. Thanks so much for your patience…for reading…for your reviews (and the much dopamine I receive from you!) I am scraping some alone time here and there and hope to be on a more predictable schedule around the end of January. So much love and thanks to EdwardsFirstKiss for beta-ing this chapter (and for all her patience with me as well ((and for the tiny additions I've made once she's sent it back to me all shiny and polished)). I have so much to be thankful for.
I will let you know when an update is coming. Thank you, thank you, thank you!