Chapter 3: Raiders of the Lost Ranch

As I walked ahead into Lon Lon Ranch, I saw a woman lying out in the fields looking at the stars. She didn't hear me approaching, and I pondered how to get her attention without her taking me as a thief and screaming for help.

I was pretty committed to enlisting the help of the Dark Realm to return to Earth. They're capable of inter-dimensional travel, and it's more likely that evil will help me break inter-dimensional law than good will. And yet, there was a beautiful red-head lying in this field that was standing in the way of my goal. Obviously I wasn't going to kill her for the Bokoblins, but I had to come up with something.

"Pardon me." I said with a soft tone as I approached. "I know it's nighttime, but I've traveled for many hours. was wondering if I could get a tour of the ranch. The company that I work for, Labrynna Pastures LLC would like to inquire about a large purchase of calfs. We'd like to see Lon Lon Milk in every bar and tavern throughout Labrynna!"

"It would interest you to know then that Lon Lon Milk is already available in Labrynna." Damn it.

I put on my best fake frustrated businessman persona. "Which company is selling it? It's not Time Foods, is it? They take so many of our leads."

"We sell it through to many stores and bars through a third party distributor. You'd have to talk to my dad about the specifics."

"That won't be necessary if he's asleep. I still need to obtain a calf for those who sent me. How much would one be?"

"They're not for sale to unauthorized venders. Again, I can wake my father if you would like an application."

I'd wanted to just distract her so the Bokoblins could gut the cow, but now additional people were being brought into the mix. "Yes, I can return tomorrow so as not to wake him."

"Very well."

My mind was drawing a blank here, so a change of strategy was necessary. I looked around and pretending I was taking in the majesty of the beautiful ranch, and said, "I served in the army once. We fought in a battle in a desert region. It was very dangerous. It's nice to see that Hyrule rests easy and that hard working people like you can live in peace."I then looked straight into her eyes with faint mischievous grin. Was I handsome? Was I ugly? I had no idea if I was going to be able to charm this young woman for a moment. Her eyes lit up as if I'd made her century. "I must be hot." I thought with internal amusement.

"You fought in the Labrynnan Knighthood?" She waved her hand through hair, fixing some imaginary imperfection. "I'm Malena, by the way. I'd love to hear more about your deeds of valor!"

I decided to be at least half-honest with her. After all, she wasn't threatening to kill or attack me like the Bokoblins. "No, it was a different war in a very different time than the one in which I currently find myself. I can tell you the whole story if you're just walk me around the ranch."

As I relayed a vague version of Operation Iraqi Freedom without specifics, Malena blurted out, "They're probably still hiding the Weapons of Mass Destruction! It''s a good thing you guys slowed them down!"

"You have far more confidence in our government than I do." While Malena and I were walking and talking, the Bokoblins made off with a cow. Surprising me slightly, they led it out with grain for bait like they were playing Minecraft or something. They stole the cow without a sound.

I promised to return the next day and discuss the specifics with her father. "Don't leave. You can sleep in our guest room!"

"My, um, wife is waiting for me back in Castle Town. I knew I shouldn't have come so late."

"But there are Bokoblins. You'll be in danger."

"We soldiers can take care of ourselves." I was a cook in the army and saw no combat.