Author's Note:
Sorry for the delay! I took my exam in December, but now it's tax season and I'm going to be drowning in work until April, and drowning in studying for my next two exams. I PROMISE the story will not be abandoned, I just can't promise any kind of schedule right now for posting.
August – Y1
Since our discussion after my rescue, Tobias and I have reached a somewhat strained friendship. I've had to have several discussions with my team about threatening him, but we've finally reached the point of them not freaking out on him whenever we're in the same room.
Another necessary outcome from those discussions was a severe strain on whatever the relationship was between Eric and me. I had fallen asleep while Eric and Tobias spoke and by the time I woke up, they were both gone and Uriah had stepped in to keep observation until I woke back up. I never spoke to either of them about the conversation I overheard, but something tells me Tobias knew I was awake.
I had originally thought Tobias and I may eventually be able to fully resolve our problems and maybe rebuild our relationship, but he's made it clear that won't be happening. Although we're on friendlier terms these days, he all but refuses to be alone in a room with me. If we sit together at meals, he makes a point to sit at the opposite end of the table from me.
It almost feels like the odd tension we had between us during initiation training, but without any of the charged touches. I am glad he apologized for the hurtful thing that he said to me, but he obviously moved on during our time apart.
I blame Eric. During my rescue, Eric told Tobias I'm still in love with him. That absolutely was not his place to say, considering I don't know that I had admitted to myself that I was in love with him. I still don't know if I was or am, but I definitely still have feelings for him.
However, after the way everything blew up in our faces, at least knowing he doesn't have feelings for me makes it a little easier. I was too focused on our relationship, on him, when I should have been focusing on the mission. At least now there are no more distractions.
A knock on my office door interrupts my thoughts.
"Come in," I call out. The door opens and the object of my musings appears, looking slightly apprehensive.
"Four," I greet evenly, giving him a polite smile. "Come on in. How can I help you?"
He takes a couple steps in and closes the door behind him.
"Erm, I just wanted to pass this on to you," he says, reaching into his pocket with one hand while the other rubs the back of his neck nervously. He withdraws his hand and I see a small vial full of an orangish liquid. "I'm sorry it took me so long; they went underground a bit after everything that happened. It took me a while to figure out where they went, but I convinced Evelyn to give me a vial."
It's the serum. He got a sample of the serum from the factionless. I jumped up, rushing around my desk to take it from him.
"This is great!" I say in an excited whisper, ever aware that Eric's office shares a wall with mine. "You have no idea how helpful this is! Thank you so much!" Forgetting the unspoken rules Tobias had put in place, I jumped forward and wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. He froze immediately.
I released him quickly, remembering myself. "Oh, I'm sorry," I sputter out, stepping back and wringing my hands. "I shouldn't have done that. But really, thank you."
He looks so uncomfortable there, standing awkwardly in my office, it looks like he's trying to crawl out of his own skin. He turns his head, his eyes glancing towards the open doorway.
"No, Tris, I…"
"It's alright, Four," I say calmly. "I understand. Thank you."
"Why do you still call me Four?" he asks suddenly, surprising me.
"Oh, I thought you preferred that," I tell him. "I'm sorry, is that not the case?"
"No, I mean… Yeah, when other people are around. But I told you that you could call me Tobias when we're alone." I'm not sure what he wants here. Why does it matter?
"It seems more personal to call you Tobias. I know you said I could, but that was before." I give him a small smile, hopefully letting him know I no longer held onto any ill will. "Besides, we're never alone anyway. I guess I've just fallen back into the habit of calling you Four. It's just easier."
On my heart. If I call you Tobias, it's easy to pretend I have something special with you. If I call you Four, I'm on the same playing field as everyone else and sometimes I need that reminder.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense." He frowns a little. "I'll get going then. See you around, Tris." Then he walks out the door before I can say anything else.
I don't understand why he tortures himself. He's so clearly uncomfortable around me. He could have given it to Uriah instead of speaking to me directly if he didn't want to be around me. I'm not intentionally making this more difficult for him.
I need to send a message to Fahim.
Got prototype sample. Bringing it to you now.
Great! Meet me at my apartment; too busy at the lab.
Sliding the vial into my pocket, I exit my office. As I'm facing my door to lock it, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I force myself not to lash out and act rationally, but then I hear his voice.
"Hey boss, just the person I was coming to see." Fucking Peter.
"Peter, you should remove your hand from me before you lose it," I growl.
"Oh, come on Stiff," he drawls. "That was so long ago. Are you still hung up on that?"
I turn quickly, knocking his hand off my shoulder and slamming him to the wall with my hand around his throat.
"Peter, this is the only time I'm going to say this to you," I say, my voice dangerously low. "I will never forgive you for what you did. If you ever touch me again, they will never find your body. And honestly, no one would look anyway."
"Everything okay out here, Tris?" My eyes shift from Peter's face to Eric's doorway, where he's standing in the frame, watching the two of us cautiously.
"Of course. I was just explaining some things to Peter. Everything is fine. Right Peter?"
Peter nods and I release his throat, stepping back. He stumbles forward, coughing. One last glare is thrown my way before he turns and shoves past me down the hallway.
"You know, if you had just let Shauna do a rape kit, we may have been able to get rid of him." Eric says it nonchalantly, as if he's telling me what he had for breakfast this morning. "If anyone's to blame for him still being here, it's you."
I cannot believe the nerve of him. "Fuck off, Eric. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today."
"Where are you off to in such a rush?"
"Home," I lie. "I have a headache and something tells me if I just get away from you, it will resolve itself."
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that you're going to be taking over training initiates next month," he says easily. "You and Uriah – Uriah with Lauren and you with Four."
I roll my eyes at him. "Why?"
He shrugs. "I have better things to do. Max wants you to do it. Being in charge of Special Missions, Max wants you and Uriah to have early access to new initiates for future planning. Maybe make your picks early and start with extra training."
The timing of this, unfortunately, makes sense. They want me training an extra special army to prepare for war. But I can't exactly argue. Although…
"You're going to make me spend all day, every day, for a month straight, with Four?" I complain. "Can't I just assign my slot to someone else?"
Eric rolls his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I guess you two will have to figure out a way to keep your hands off each other long enough to get your jobs done."
"What are you even talking about?"
"I don't have time to chat anymore, Tris." He stepped back into his office and closed his door before I could respond.
…
"We got stuck on initiate duty, Uriah," I complain as I plop down next to him at dinner.
"You what?" I glance up in time to see Tobias approaching the table to sit next to Zeke. "Did I get fired and they forgot to tell me?"
"Like that would upset you," I laugh. "You didn't seem to particularly enjoy initiate training anyway. But no. Eric is apparently too busy to torment the class this year, so I'll be working with you, and they want Uriah working with Lauren."
Zeke looks uncomfortably back and forth between me and Tobias before leaning in and whispering something to Tobias. I can't hear the words, but based on his facial expression, Zeke's words pissed him off.
"Look," I say quietly to Tobias. "I get that you don't exactly what to spend this much time together, but I promise I'll make it as painless as possible."
He opens his mouth to reply, but Uriah speaks first.
"Where were you today, Tris? I came looking for you earlier, but I couldn't find you."
"I was at Erudite," I say simply, providing no additional details. There's an obvious question in his eyes, but he doesn't push.
At that moment, Christina and Will dropped into seats next to us, groaning.
I turn my head towards them. "What's up with you?"
"I don't want to go back to the wall next week," whines Christina. "It's so boring out there."
"Actually, that reminds me," I tell her. "I'm going to get you pulled off of that." Her face lights up. "I need you and Will both here this month. I'm going to rearrange it so you're there the middle of September instead."
"Aw, come on Tris, don't get my hopes up like that!"
"I'm still getting you out of it next week. I need you there in September instead."
Tobias has barely taken his eyes off of me the entire meal; he's just been watching me curiously, wondering what I'm doing. Well, he has to talk to me in order for me to tell him, so I guess he'll keep wondering.
"Uriah," I say as I stand, looking down at him. "Stop by my room when you're done with dinner."
Uriah jumps up as well. "I'm actually done, Tris. I'll come with you."
"What is up with those two?" I hear Tobias ask the table as we walk away, but if anyone responds, we're already too far away to hear it.
As soon as my apartment door closes behind us, I throw myself to the couch while Uriah makes his way into my kitchen.
"Oh sure, Uriah. Make yourself at home!" I call out sarcastically. He laughs but returns momentarily with a bottle of vodka. "Where did you even get that? That's not mine!"
"I keep alcohol in your apartment for special occasions," he says, shrugging. "Whatever is going on between you and Four – I figure you need a drink."
I agree wordlessly by grabbing the bottle he's offering me and taking a long drink.
"I think shit is going to hit the fan in September," I tell him. "They want us training initiates so that we can keep our eyes on new recruits for the SMUs. The rapid expansion of this unit; I think they're preparing to go to war. Soon."
"If you think it's happening next month, why are you sending Christina and Will to the wall?" he asks curiously.
"I got the serum to Frederick today," I tell him. "Four brought it to me this morning and I took it straight to him. He said he may be able to get a better understanding of how everything works, but he won't have enough time to develop and produce any kind of vaccine." I pause, locking eyes with him. "I think you and I will be immune. Honestly, that will make it more dangerous for us. But Chris and Will won't; I'm hopeful Dauntless leadership won't pull anyone off the wall for this, so if they're gone, we don't have to worry about fighting them. I'd send Marlene and Lynn out there too, if I could."
After an hour of drinking, Uriah thinks it's a great idea to go down to the bar… for more drinks, and of course, dancing. I'm laying on the couch, leaning back against the arm rest with my feet on his legs, giggling at something he said when he makes the suggestion.
"Marlene's going to get upset with us if you keep spending so much time with me instead of her," I warn him, rolling my neck until it was level with his face so I could stare at him. "People are going to get the wrong idea. I don't want some kind of romantic triangle thing messing up the team here, Pedrad."
He laughs and shoves my feet off his legs. "First of all, Marlene and I haven't been together for a bit. She's, uh… she's actually with Lynn now."
I lean forward, eyes wide in shock. "What? When did that happen?"
"You really don't pay attention to our social lives?" he asks, laughing at me.
"I've had a rough few months, Uriah," I defend. "But you and I hang out all the time; why didn't you say anything?"
"It's not a big deal. I'm 17; it's not like we were going to get married." He turns and gives me a lewd smile. "Now you, on the other hand. If you'd like to get married, I bet we could run away for a weekend." He ended his flirting with a wink and I rolled my eyes, shaking my head in exasperation.
"You're ridiculous, Uriah."
"No, you're like, the most amazing person I've ever met," he says with complete honesty, and suddenly I'm nervous. Uriah has been my constant in the last almost year – he's like me and he's always there for me. I can always trust him to be there when I need him. Sure, we're a little flirty sometimes, but Uriah is like that with everyone.
"Uriah…"
"Sorry," he says. "Alcohol tends to loosen our lips. But Tris, let's be honest, none of it matters anyway. Because you and I can never be more than friends. You can never be more than friends with anyone other than that asshole-"
"Uriah!" I interrupt in warning.
"But it's okay," he continues like he didn't even hear me. "You're still my best friend. You're still my commanding officer. And we can still go out, get drunk, and dance like fools. If we happen to make out a little bit, it's not going to break my heart. And maybe it'll make your boy jealous enough to get his head out of his ass."
I open my mouth several times to respond, but no words come out. I don't know what to say to this confession.
"Honestly Tris, I have no expectations of anything more happening between us. As you've said, it's been a rough couple of months, and from the sounds of it, it's going to get a lot worse soon. I just want you to take some time to enjoy yourself before we're caught up in real life. Now, go put on the sluttiest dress you have; we're going to the bar, and I have on good authority that a certain instructor is getting dragged there tonight by my brother."
…
"I cannot believe that is the sluttiest dress you have," complains Uriah as we enter the bar, my arm looped through his. "Christina has got to take you shopping."
"She does," I groan. "All the time shopping, Uriah. It was a fight to talk her down to this dress. The one she wanted me to get was basically lingerie covered in sheer fabric."
"Yeah," he replies, waggling his eyebrows. "That's what you need."
He drags me up to the bar and orders two shots, eyeing me in challenge. Grinning, I pick up the shot, he does the same, and we clink them together before throwing them back.
"You should be glad you even got me into a dress," I tell him. He pulls one of my hands far above my head and I twirl around under our conjoined hands. "Dresses are impractical."
"Except for when you're dancing," he grins, eyeing me appreciatively. "Now, what's impractical are those shoes, but, well, they serve their purpose."
Once upon a time, the three inch stilettos would have had me tripping everywhere. Thankfully, my time at Dauntless has improved my coordination. As much as Uriah is complaining about the dress, it is the most revealing thing I've ever worn. It's completely backless and the halter drops into a low scooped v below my breasts; it would probably look a lot better on me if I had breasts appropriate for my age. I'm already fighting against the constant urge to pull it down; it's so short I'm afraid of it riding up and making me completely expose myself to everyone.
As we set our drinks on the bar, the songs change over and his eyes light up. "Come on! We're here to dance!"
The song isn't familiar to me, but it's fast paced and fun to dance to. It seems to be popular though, because much of the Friday night crowd has jumped up and moved to the dance floor to dance as well.
By the end of the song, we're both sweating and laughing. I'm not sure who Uriah keeps motioning to, but we don't have to leave the dance floor, and someone is pushing more drinks into our hands.
The next song wasn't familiar either, but Uriah seemed to know it. He pulled me in close, one hand pressed against the center of my back, the hand holding his drink pressed loosely against my waist, and his thigh pressed between my legs.
He leaned down, his lips brushing my ear, and whispered, "Trust me on this." And then proceeded to stare over my shoulder as he, and the rest of the bar, shouted out the next lines of the song.
"Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him."
I try to turn to see what he's looking at, but I can't see over him. He spins me around so my back is against him, now with both of his hands pressing against my hip bones, and leans his head back down next to mine. I can vaguely make out the blurred outline of Tobias and Zeke at the bar, but it's so crowded, and I can't think straight, so I can't remember why any of it matters.
"Trust me, Tris?" he asks. I nod against him. "Then just go with it."
So I do. For one night, I can let go. My life has been hell and it's going to continue to be for the foreseeable future. I've already lost Tobias. My brother is best friends with the enemy. Uriah apparently has feelings for me, but accepts that I don't feel the same. Maybe I need to stop holding on to that Abnegation upbringing and embrace the Dauntless. I don't have to be romantically involved to have a little fun, right?
We dance for several songs before I pull away, panting, telling Uriah I need a break. And water. He laughs as I walk to the bar, both his arms draped around me from behind, following me.
I fall against the bar, giggling, and ask the bartender for a water.
"And a couple shots of tequila – lime wedges and salt, please."
"Uriah," I laugh, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to get me drunk."
"You're already drunk, Tris," he says, reaching forward for the drinks, limes, and saltshakers the bartender placed in front of us. I pick up the glass of water and gulp it down quickly. "I'm not trying to get you drunk; I'm trying to show you the ways of the Dauntless. Lesson one – this is how to shoot tequila."
I watch in fascination as he sprinkles the saltshaker over a spot on his neck and hands me a shot.
"Okay, Tris, listen. You lick the salt." He points to his neck. "Drink the shot. And then bite the lime." I tilt my head, trying to understand his instructions as he holds the lime wedge loosely between his lips. After a second, he nods at me, encouraging me.
"Ummm, okay, let's do this," I say. I lean forward and lick the side of his neck, the salt prickling my tongue. His hand grips my waist tightly. I throw back the shot, cringing as it burns my throat, and then lean forward to grab the lime wedge out of his mouth.
After I finish sucking the juice out of the lime, I spit it out into the shot glass and grin at Uriah.
"That's actually not bad!"
"May I?" he asks, holding the saltshaker over my neck in question.
"Of course; it's the Dauntless way."
He spreads the salt over my neck, and I plop the lime wedge between my lips, mimicking what he had just done. His arm around my waist pulls me flush against him and I clutch one hand to his shoulder to keep my balance as I fall into him. I can't help the shiver that escapes me as I feel his tongue swipe across my neck. He downs his shot much faster than I had mine and then deftly plucks the lime from my mouth with his teeth.
We're both grinning at each other like idiots when he lowers his forehead to mine. His eyes seem to be asking mine for permission, and I don't stop him. I think he's about to kiss me; surprisingly, I'm about to let him.
Just before his lips touch mine, I feel him straighten and lean back. I frown for a moment before I catch his eyes that are staring directly behind me. He drops his arm from my waist and steps back as another arm wraps around me from behind.
"Dance with me."
His mouth is unbelievably close to my ear when he speaks. My eyes fall shut on their own accord as he pulls me firmly against his chest. As I feel myself moving, I open my eyes to stare at Uriah in amazement. He has a wide grin and waves at me happily from the bar as I move further away from him.
"I thought you didn't dance like this," I say, leaning my head back against his chest to look up at him. He's staring down at me with an intensity I've never seen before, his blue eyes almost black in the bar lighting.
"I think you'll find I do a lot of things with you that I've never done before," he whispers back. His hands encourage mine to lift above my head and wrap around his neck behind me, then his return to my hips, pulling me impossibly closer to him.
After seeing him dance at the initiation party, I'm not sure why I'm still surprised at the command he has of his body at this moment. And mine. He keeps his head tilted down, his lips at my ear singing along with a low, raspy voice I've never heard from him.
"Every single word builds up to this moment and I gotta convince myself I don't want it even though I do."
His grip on my hips controls my movements, trapping me against him as we sway back and forth. Feeling daring, I push back against him a little harder and feel victorious as his breath stutters in my ear, letting out a groan. One of his hands releases my hip, trailing up my side, leaving heat in its trail as it barely ghosts the side of my breast, before coming to rest just below my throat, two of his fingers resting against my thrumming pulse point.
"I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to. When you're lying close to someone else. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it. If I could do it all again, I know I'd go back to you."
I let out a sharp gasp as I feel his lips press against my ear, almost testing the waters. When my hand tightens on the back of his head, pulling him closer, his movements become more sure. I feel his teeth on my ear lobe, biting roughly before his tongue shoots out to sooth it.
His hand slides up a bit further to grip my throat lightly and turn my head towards him. I barely catch the heat in his eyes before his lips press roughly to mine.
My knees feel weak. I know people say that all the time, but I haven't experienced it until this exact moment. I almost start to fall forward when he turns me around. This angle seems much more conducive to what we're doing.
His hand tangles in my hair and he pulls my head to the side, latching onto a spot on my neck and sucking hard while his other hand crept much lower than he would normally feel comfortable with in public. As he gripped my ass against him, I felt him grind into me and release my neck from his sweet torture. His lips never left me though, moving up my jaw to just under my ear.
I don't know where the courage comes from, but whatever he's doing with his hips hits me just right. The hardness straining against his jeans rubs against me just the right way, and it feels like an out of body experience as I hear myself speak.
"Let's get out of here."
I barely recognize my own voice, but he closes his eyes for a moment, presumably to compose himself, before he loosens his hold on me and pulls me out of the bar. As I'm being dragged happily behind him, I catch Uriah's eyes. He's on the dance floor with someone I don't recognize, and he sends me a wink as I disappear out the door.
Song Credits:
Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
Back to You - Selena Gomez