Episode 2:
Fiends and Foes Alike
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Great to be back. Behold, our first chapter for 2025!
Up in the hotel, Charlie was pacing the floor in a state of steadily rising panic.
"Okay…so, the extermination is coming in 6 months instead of a year!" she chirped. "No big deal, just a little setback. Nothing we can't handle. Just angels cutting our timetable in half, but who needs a whole year to save souls, am I right?!"
Augie looked up at his godniece. "Alright, someone either calm her down or shake her," he instructed. "She's startin' to spiral."
"...and next time when they cut the time in half again, and again, we'll just handle it, right?!" Charlie shrieked, before Vaggie grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Yes! We will," Vaggie said calmly as she held her partner's shoulders.
"Oh, please," Angel rolled his eyes as he scrolled through his phone. "Ya had less then half a chance when you started all this salvation crap. And now…" he glanced down to see yet another threat-mantic message. "Ain't no silver lining this time, toots."
"Sure, there is!" insisted Charlie. "We just...have to look a little harder for it!"
"Well, while you're lookin', the rest'a hell's goin' nuts," Angel replied, waving his phone in their faces. "People are already freakin' out about the news. Look at what's happenin' in the Doomsday District."
As he showed the article on his phone, another message appeared, with the chyron NEW MESSAGE FROM VALENTINO.
Charlie squinted her eyes. "Err, what is a…'donkey show'?" she asked.
Augie quickly shot off the couch. "I'll tell you when you're older," he replied.
"Uncle, I'm over 200 years old," insisted Charlie.
Augie plucked the phone from Angel's hands and threw it back to him. "WHEN. YOU'RE. OLDER," he clarified as the spider demon fumbled the phone a few times until he caught it.
"It's just, my boss, Val, is just freaked out about the news too!" Angel clarified. "Like I said, everyone's losin' their shit!"
"Yeah… that's true…sinners are desperate," Vaggie mused. "Maybe desperate enough to try anything to escape the extermination?"
Upon hearing that, Charlie gasped in realization. "This is the perfect time to recruit more sinners for the hotel!" she exclaimed.
"Real cute idea, Little Mary Sunshine," replied Angel. "But are you really gonna go out in all of this?" he gestured to the live feed of total chaos, with sinners screaming their heads off.
"Well, it's not like people are just gonna show up on our doorstep—" Charlie started, when…
BOOM.
Augie groaned. "You gotta be KIDDIN' ME!" he shouted. "I JUST REPAIRED THAT!"
"SHOW YOURSSSSELF, ALASTOR!" bellowed Sir Pentius from outside, in his beastly blimp. "COME AND FACE—"
But when he noticed they weren't inside the hole, he blinked. "Wait, where is—oh, there you are," he muttered after he spotted him on the balcony.
"...FACE MY WRATH!" he continued, grabbing the microphone.
Alastor looked up from his coffee cup. "...who are you?" he asked.
Sir Pentious looked a little bemused. "Oh, I see what you're doing!" he laughed, regaining his composure. "Clearly you don't recall our previous confrontation…then allow me to remind you. I am SIR PENTIOUS: inventor, architect of des-s-s-truction, villain extraordinaire!"
"D-uh, that's tellin' him, boss!" said one of the Eggboys, Scramble.
"Yeah, he's a big red joke!" agreed a lankier one, Poach.
Suddenly, Niffty popped up on Alastor's shoulder. "Ooooh, it's the baaaad boy~" she oozed.
Alastor plucked his right-hand creature off and placed her gently down. "Well, if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you," he remarked.
Sir Pentious scoffed. "You're just lying!" he remarked. "After all, I attacked you literally last week. In the pilot episode, remember?"
Alastor cocked his head.
Sir Pentious was getting irritated. "We've done battle 20 times already!" he fumed.
Alastor shrugged. "Well, you must have been really bad at this," he commented.
"YOU DARE TO BELITTLE MY BRILLIANCE-S-S-SE?!" Sir Pentious hissed. "Your ins-s-s-olence will be your undoing, when I shut that s-s-s-snippy mouth of yours FOREVER! And when I've s-s-slain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as their equal!"
"Ooooh~" gushed Niffty. "...wait, who are the Vees?" she asked, confused.
"Three hotshot punks who think they're king shits," Augie answered.
"In short, nobody important," Alastor replied.
MEANWHILE, AT V-TOWER…
Dozens upon dozens of sinners and hellborn were gathered outside, their eyes on dozens of TV screens advertising new products.
"New VoxTek designer voyeur scopes—peeping on the neighbors has never been more stylish," said an announcer. "VoxTek! Trust us with your money!"
Naturally, the denizens were all over that, and they practically ransacked the stores to get their hands on this tech.
Of course, there were some Hellborn and sinners who were at home, watching TV. And what, pray tell, were they watching?
"This week's episode of Yeah, I Fucked Your Sister, So What? is brought to you by VoxTek: Trust us with your entertainment!"
All throughout Hell, it was clear that VoxTekhad its tentacles wrapped around just about everything. And Vox himself was enjoying the view himself, seated in a room of his own.
"Now that's good television!" he cackled as electrical energy coursed through his cables. Everyone in Hell was practically giving him their money, and he was just amassing more power and mindless followers! Plus, it was a great way to help him keep tabs on anyone he pleased!
'Trust us', indeed. What a bevy of brainless saps!
HONKA-HONK! HONKA-HONK!
The caller ID showed that Velvette was the one calling. With a light grunt, Vox zapped the call onto one of his vacant monitors.
"Velvette! Vel!" he chirped. "How's my favorite fashion titan this hellish morning?"
Velvette rolled her eyes. "Oh, cut the shit, Vox. I need you up here now!" she demanded.
Vox picked up his coffee and took a brief sip. "Whatever could be troubling you, my dear?" he drawled.
"Your little boy toy is wrecking my department, while I'm trying to pull together a show and—" Velvette hissed, while workers screamed and ran in the middle of Valentino's angry ranting. "Just get your plasma-screen ass here, NOW! ...Damn it, Valentino! STOP FUCKING UP MY SHIT!"
As the call ended, so too did Vox's smile. He emerged with a sigh, and adjusted his tie.
"Yeah, because this is how I wanna spend my morning…" he growled under his breath as he headed to his elevator. "One of these days, he's gonna get it."
Seconds later, he emerged from a secret passage, wearing a big, phony smile for the crowd as he strode out. As he expected, reporters immediately started swarming him like flies around a bug zapper.
"Mr. Vox!" asked one reporter. "What are your thoughts about the new extermination deadline?"
"My dear people, we at VoxTek Enterprises have always been at the forefront of innovation," explained Vox as a screen came down behind him. "And now, with this new oncoming threat, we are shifting our focus, to your protection. We are pleased to announce—" he gestured to the screen, which showed an ad with the company logo, which was now gold and bearing angelic wings. "...VoxTek Angelic Security is coming soon! Trust us, with YOUR safety."
And then, his left eye began to pulsate with concentric rings, which left the reporters, as well as anyone watching at home, utterly hypnotized.
Vox brushed his hands off with a smirk. One difference between consumers and reporters is their job titles. But then again, they're all quite easy to manipulate…and that makes the job a bit more fun.
"Uh, sir?" asked one of his employees. "When did we start working on Angelic Security?"
"30 seconds ago," hissed Vox as he strode off. "Try to get that bitch Carmilla on the books, and cancel my appointments today. I've got a fire to douse upstairs."
And in a crackle of electrical energy, he was gone.
UP IN VELVETTE'S STUDIO…
The fiendish fashionista herself was looking over what her designers had to offer, while the staff was trying to clean up the mess left over from Valentino's rage-fueled temper tantrum.
"Ugh…no…unacceptable…you're fired…what is this? WRIST RUFFLES?!" she snapped at the last victim. "Is this 1750?! BURN IT like the witches who wore it!"
"Well, well, well-vette!" remarked Vox as he arrived on the scene. "I can see you're busy. Tell me, where's our hot-headed friend now?"
Velvette rolled her eyes. "Up in his tower, waiting for a flat-faced prince to calm him down!" she snapped.
Vox rolled his eyes. Figures—I hafta go play nursemaid AND do damage control… "And, uh, what's got him so out of sorts today?" he asked.
"Who knows, who cares? But he tore up my best model!" Velvette replied. "And you know the show can't wait for that unlucky bitch to pull herself back together!" she turned to one of her assistants. "Melissa! Get over here!"
Said assistant stepped up on the nearby platform, and Velvette used her power to switch through outfits until she found one she liked.
"No, no, hideous, I want to die, eww…" she muttered until she stopped at an outfit with a heart-print skirt. "Yes! That's the one."
"Well, looks like you have everything under control here," smirked Vox.
"Of course I do, ya wanker!" snapped Velvette. "Now bugger off and go take care of the piss-baby!"
While she returned to her fashion work, Vox's smile vanished again.
Fine…let's get this over with, he thought to himself. Little Baby Valentino got all cranky again and needs yours truly to get him unwound…fantastic.
The television mogul then walked down the hallway, before he met with two moth demons which opened the door for him. Strolling inside the room, he winced at the copious amount of red smoke.
Satan's asscrack, am I happy to not have a nose…
The second Valentino noticed Vox was inside, he sat up on his chaise lounge. "Fucking FINALLY!" he hissed before turning to his Robo-Fizz servant. "Kitty! Another drink!"
The robot bowed, and then darted off.
"Can you believe what that piece-of-shit did?" Valentino griped as he received his drink. "The ungr-r-r-ateful WHORE!"
As he angrily threw it against the door, Vox ducked out of the way. "Uh, which whore are we talking about this time…?" he prompted.
"Fucking Angel Dust!" Valentino spat, getting up. "Who the hell else would I be talking about?!"
Vox raised a finger, curious.
"That fucking SLUT walked out on me! ME!" raved Valentino, caught up in the haze of his anger. "I fucking made him! Without me, he's just a bag of meat with some mildly entertaining holes!"
"Oh, Angel quit?" Vox asked, raising a brow.
"NO! He didn't fucking quit! It's worse!" scowled Valentino, grabbing Vox's phone and breaking it against the wall. "He MOVED!"
Vox glanced down at his empty hand. Great…now I have to get a new phone. Sure, I'm the one who makes them, but it's annoying having to get them…
"He thinks he can just walk in here, work, and then go home somewhere else? Can you FUCKING believe that?!" the moth demon roared. "He thinks he can run off and shack up with Lucifer's bimbo daughter!"
"Wait a second! Angel is living with Lucifer's daughter?" asked Vox. "...wasn't she the one with the fish?"
"Yeah! That bitch, Chalky or Chandler, or somethin' mannish like that!" the pissed-off butterfly continued to rant as he rifled through a nearby wardrobe, pulling out a long revolver and a semi-auto pistol. "She's got this stupid hotel, and…querido, which of these makes me look sexier~?"
Vox chuckled. "What are you doing, Val?" he asked, before changing his tone. "You're not going over there…ARE you?" he hissed, his left eye bulging with concentric spirals.
Val wasn't exactly in a listening mood. "That slippery twink is gonna remember who owns him," he growled. "I'm gonna FUCK everyone in that rancid shithole, I swear to god…"
Before he could finish his rant, Vox pulled him up to his face. "VAL," he growled, his tone distorted. "...think about it. Put your fucking brain to work, okay? Our brand is perfection," he explained, taking one of Val's guns and tossing it away. "And what do you think chasing whores around town will do for our image?"
"Uhh…fuck it up?" answered Valentino.
"Right!" beamed Vox. "Do you want people thinking you can't control your employees?"
"No!" Val answered.
"Exactly! And hey, you still have him under contract," explained Vox. "He isn't going anywhere! Sooo...you should…"
"Do…nothing?" queried Val.
"GREAT IDEA!" Vox chirped as he pinched the butterfly's cheeks. "Now that's why they pay you the big bucks~"
Valentino still wasn't satisfied. "Ugh, but I really wanted to shoot someone!" he whined. "I got my guns out and everything!"
"Tell you what, how about I call up the lowest earners this month?" Vox offered, trying to quell him.
"Ohh, you know me too well," Valentino chuckled as he took a drag on his cigarette. "Ya know... Angel isn't the only one spending time at this ratty hotel with the devil's princessa."
"Oh, who else is there? Someone who owes you money?" Vox asked, disinterested as he rifled through some nearby drawers.
Valentino snickered. "Someone who owes us much more than money…" he purred. "The Radio Demon is there."
Immediately, Vox's eyes shot open, and he scratched the surface of the desk he was looking through.
"...what did you just say?" he asked.
"You heard me~" Valentino replied.
"Alastor...came back...and he is with Lucifer's—kzzt—daughter…" Vox hissed as he made his way over to Val, grabbing him by the collar and hoisting him up. "...and that wasn't the FIRST FUCKING THING YOU TOLD ME?!"
Val effortlessly freed himself. "Hey, killing Alastor is YOUR kink~" he responded.
"IT'S NOT A KINK, IT IS MY DESTINY!" roared Vox, his voice becoming distorted again, before he took some deep breaths to calm himself. "...okay, okay, I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm seething, I'm simmering, I'm still."
As Val headed over to the screens, he turned on one of the spy drones, which was monitoring the exterior of the hotel, where Alastor was having his "confrontation" with Sir Pentious…which actually consisted of the former utilizing gigantic tendrils to grab and shake his blimp, while the radio demon laughed till his sides ached.
"Um...Alastor?" asked Charlie. "I think he's had enough!"
"Nah, he's got a few more hits in him," Angel responded, in no hurry to stop the brutality.
Clinging to the floor of his blimp, Sir Pentious went tumbling out and landed on the pavement…immediately followed by Poach, then Scramble.
"Thanks for another forgettable experience," Alastor smirked, twirling his staff coolly.
"No…thank you…" wheezed the serpentine genius, before he sprang up and tore something off Alastor. "...FOR LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN! ARROGANT FOOL! HAHAHAHA!"
But when he looked up, he saw Alastor change into…something. The next thing he knew, he was catapulted off into the sky, with Poach and Scramble hot on his trail.
"Well, it looks as though I need a visit to the tailor!" commented Alastor, glancing down at himself. "Best of luck, chums!"
"Wait, you're leaving?" asked Vaggie, stepping up. "We need your help! We need you to do your job."
"We need a wall," added Angel. "Sure, we could have jaws over there fix it again—" he gestured to Augie. "...but he's just one fish."
"Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already," Alastor remarked. "What would the papers say?"
With a snap of his fingers, Alastor conjured up a few inky-black demons with construction tools and headed away.
Angel raised a brow, interested in one of them, and quickly shoved Vaggie aside so he could go flirt. "Hey, sweet cheeks. Whatcha doin' later?" he asked the bulky-looking one. "I love me a man with a giant...tool."
Augie rolled his eyes. "You were waiting for that, weren't you?" he asked.
Back in the office, Valentino was watching it all, and fuming.
"See?! Look how he flirts with that guy, and he's not even paying!" he snarled. "Who is that? I'm gonna fucking kill his whole fucking family!" he turned and noticed that Vox was off in his own thoughts…perhaps seething. "Vox?" he asked, before he slammed his fist on the table. "VOX!"
The TV-headed man's eyes bulged and pulsed as he watched Alastor strolling off. "That FUCKER is back!" he scowled.
Valentino grinned. "Yeah, I thought he was gone for good too…" he mused.
"It's been seven years!" snapped Vox.
"You still pissed that he almost beat you that time~?" purred Valentino, pinching his cheek.
"Uh, FUCK YOU!" hissed Vox, smacking his hand away.
"Just saying~!" chirped Valentino.
"If he thinks he can make ME look stupid again, he's DEAD wrong!" snarled Vox.
"That's for sure," nodded Val.
"I gotta send a message of who's REALLY in charge of things now!" declared Vox.
Welcome home!
I'm gonna make you wish that you stayed gone!
As Vox began his little number, electricity coursed through his arm as he sat in his chair, and turned to face the numerous screens.
Say hello to a new status quo,
Vox pressed a big red button, and 4 cords latched themselves to the ports on the back of his head, connecting himself to his TV networks.
Everyone knows that there's a brand-new dawn, turn the TV on!
"Camera, speeds, rolling in three, two…" said the director, as the equipment turned on.
( Wel-come to the show! )
"Top of the hour and we're discussing a certain has-been who has been spotted cavorting around town after a seven-year absence!" Vox exclaimed on a news broadcast. "Did anybody miss him, did anybody notice? More on tonight's program!"
Next, he was on a Late Show. "So, the Radio Demon is back in town! Why is he hanging around? What does that mean for your family? Well, handily, I've got good news!"
Then, he was on a stage. "He's a loser, a fossil, and I don't mean to sound hostile…"
But the demon is a coward!
"You can take that as gospel!" he exclaimed, dressed like a pope. "Pulling my viewers? Impossible! I'm visual, he's barely audible! Stop giving him the time of day! Don't listen to a word he'd say. I hope he had a nice vacay…"
But he should have stayed away~!
Out in the street, Alastor had just left the tailor's shop, having gotten his coat fixed. As he noticed the kerfuffle going on, an idea began to form in his head as he walked off.
While he hid in radio, we pivoted to video!
Next, he was on a cooking show where he pulled a bloodied deer head, caked in blood, from an oven.
Now his medium is getting bloody rare!
Hell's been better since he split,
Where's he been? Who gives a shit?!
Suddenly, a transmission came on the airwaves. One that was strictly audio-only.
Salutations! Good to be back on the air.
As everyone looked for where Alastor's voice was coming from, something placed an old-school radio in a window display, so they crowded around.
Yes, I know it's been a while since someone with style treated Hell to a broadcast. Sinners rejoice!
VOX: What a dated voice!
Alastor: Instead of a clout-chasing mediocre video podcast…
Vox: COME ON!
Alastor: Is Vox insecure, pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that; is nothing working?
Vox: IGNORE HIS CHIRPING!
Alastor: Every day he's got a new format!
Vox: YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FUTURE!
Vox & Chorus: He's the shit that comes before that!
Alastor: Is Vox as strong as he purports?
Or is it based on his support?
He'd be powerless without the other Vees!
"Oh, PLEASE!" snapped Vox.
Alastor: And here's the sugar on the cream—he asked me to join his team!
"Hold on!" shouted Vox.
Alastor: I said no, and now he's pissy! That's the tea.
As Alastor continued with his radio broadcast, Vox was getting angrier, plus it was causing his face-screen to start glitching.
"You o-old-timey PRICK!" he roared. "I'll show y-you suffer-r-r-ing!"
Alastor: Uh-oh, the TV is buffering!
Vox angrily sprang to his feet. "I'LL DESTROY YOOOOU—" he roared, before he ended up overloading the power grid, and causing a city-wide blackout.
…except, of course, for the hotel.
"I'm afraid you've lost your signal," sneered Alastor.
Let's begin…
I'm gonna make you wish that I stayed gone!
Tune on in.
When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run!
Oh, this will be fun…
And with that, Vox's signal was cut off, leaving the overlord to rot.
"FUU-UU-UCK!" he whined. Once again, Alastor had totally, utterly, humiliated him.
After a half hour of licking his proverbial wounds, Vox gathered the Vees together for a meeting.
"We have a problem," he explained. "Alastor is getting close to little princess Morningstar, so our main concern now is ensuring that no deal is ever struck between Lucifer's BRAT and that smiling freak!"
"Well, how exactly are we supposed to stop it?" inquired Velvette.
Valentino was putting glue on his revolver, while bedazzling it. "Put something inside them," he suggested. "That's how I get the bitches to behave."
Vox winced, probably disgusted, but he shrugged it off. "Well…maybe someone on the inside isn't such a bad idea," he responded. "Do you think Angel would?"
Valentino scoffed, while continuing to bedazzle his bang-bang. "That lanky prick won't even return my calls!" he spat.
"We need someone who Little Miss Bleeding Heart would take in…" Vox mused as he paced the room.
"Someone...pathe'ic, desperate, with no direct ties to us?" added Velvette.
"I employ every down on their luck loser this side of Hell," shrugged Valentino. "Who the fuck is left?"
And then, Vox turned around, a ghost of an idea clear on his face. "I think I know just the one…" he smirked, before his screen began to glitch, briefly showing an image of Sir Pentious in between frames of Vox's wicked grin.
Back at the hotel, the hole in the wall was almost completely fixed; Angel was on his phone, while Augie was boredly bouncing a rubber ball.
They both looked up to see Charlie and Vaggie returning to the lobby.
"So!" Angel chirped. "How'd it go…?"
Vaggie sighed. "Not a single new recruit," she replied.
"Yeah, well, who'd wanna use their last days not fuckin' and fightin'?" shrugged Angel as he went back to checking his phone.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. As Vaggie and Augie went to answer, the former opened the door only to find Sir Pentious on the doorstep, clutching his hat and standing with Scramble and Poach.
"Greetings, and s-s-s-salutations—" he began, before…
THWAP!
He shrieked in pain before stumbling over as Vaggie jabbed her spear right at him.
"Wait, wait, wait!" insisted Sir Pentious. "I come in peac-s-s-s-se!"
"Then I suggest you start talkin'," added Augie, pulling his guns out again.
"Vaggie, Uncle, what's the problem?" asked Charlie, before she noticed Pentious and the Eggboys outside. "Oh! Hello again!"
"The boss didn't come looking for a fight, okay?" asked Poach.
"I…I heard that you're helping people," agreed Pentious. "People who want to be better?"
"You heard right!" Charlie chirruped as she scurried over. "Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our—"
"Are you fuckin' nuts?" Angel asked, standing in the doorway. "This chump was trying to kill us like literally 6 hours ago! And now you wanna bring him in here to live with us?"
"Absolutely!" Charlie insisted. "This place is about second chances, and who deserves one more than this slithery...slippery...special little man!"
"Aren't you two supposed to protect this place?" Angel turned to Vaggie and Augie.
Of course, they caught sight of Charlie's puppy-eyed gaze looking back at them.
"Think of it this way," said Augie, re-holstering his guns. "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."
"I guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine," Vaggie admitted, much to Pentious' delight. "...or even with the war machine," she added, much to his dismay.
"Oh! Thank you-thank you-thank you-thank you!" gushed Charlie as she picked up Vaggie and Augie in a massive hug, before approaching Pentious and his two subordinates. "Sir Pentious! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!"
"Oh, no, thank you, my dear!" Sir Pentious beamed as he slithered inside. "You won't regret this!"
Angel rolled his eyes as he strode indoors, followed by the skinny egg and the rotund one. "I give you a week," he declared. "Tops."
"So! This is the bar…and the bartender," Charlie said, gesturing to Husk, who was helping himself to the contents of a bottle while stuck behind the bar. "This is the curtain, and this is the new wall, after you broke the last one! Oh, and this is—"
Vaggie pulled her girlfriend over. "...babe. You don't have to show him every detail," she explained.
"Sorry…" Charlie replied. "I'm just so excited to have our first real guest!"
"Uh, what the hell am I then?" asked Angel.
"Someone who doesn't care even a single bit," replied Augie.
"Well, you're an important part of our family here, Angel," Charlie explained. "But you, uh…"
Vaggie finished the sentence for her. "Constantly make us look bad, sexually harass the staff, and have literally never once tried to improve?"
"What she means is, it's just nice to have someone interested for once," said Charlie.
Angel was about to retort, but he held his tongue because as much as it hurt to hear, they were right.
Charlie then continued with the tour. "Over here we have our housekeeper, Niffty," she said, gesturing to the diminutive creature who was playing with Keekee before she noticed Sir Pentious was there.
"The bad boy is back~?" she chirped, before she scurried up his person and clutched his lapels. "NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN~"
"We're about 80% sure she's harmless," replied Charlie. "And over here, we have—OH! Uh, Alastor, our gracious facility manager! You've met our newest guest Sir Pentious…"
"Ah, yes." Alastor replied as he adjusted his monocle. "You're the one who ruined my coat."
He squinted grimly at the serpentine as his eyes glowed dark crimson. "I DEFINITELY remember you now…"
"Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson: how to apologize!" beamed Charlie. "The first step to becoming a better person is to admit when you are wrong! Why don't you give it a try?"
The eggs backed off so they could let their boss take a shot.
"Yes...uh...Mister, um..Radio Demon, sir…" said Sir Pentious. "Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat…" he reached into his pocket and pulled out the piece he'd torn off. "...here."
"Oh-ho! Not many people have been able to take even this much off me!" remarked Alastor as he reclaimed the piece. "It must've meant a lot to you."
…of course, this didn't stop him from incinerating the fabric piece in his fingertips. Sir Pentious watched in silence as what little evidence of any vulnerability on Alastor was destroyed within seconds.
A LITTLE LATER, IN THE MAIN ROOM…
Everyone was gathered for a group bonding activity.
"Now, with a new resident, I think it's important we all get to know each other!" Charlie beamed to the others. "So we are going to play a little game. Everyone, follow me."
"My name is Charlie." Clap-clap.
"I like to sing!" Clap-clap.
"And when we get to know each other, it's the greatest thing!" Clap-clap.
Next, she gestured to Pentious.
"My name's Sir Pentious…" he began, a bit hesitant. Clap-clap.
"I like to build…" Clap-clap.
"...and despite my stupid Egg Boys, I think I'm very skilled!" he finished, with another clap-clap.
"Gosh—the boss mentioned us!" commented Scramble.
"He sure knows how to make a guy feel important!" nodded Poach. "It's enough to put a crack in yer shell!"
Pentious gestured to Angel, who just looked on like he was staring at the dumbest thing he'd ever seen. "...this is stupid," he replied briskly.
"This is not stupid!" Charlie chirped, with a clap-clap.
"It's just a game!" Clap-clap.
"Sir Pentious did it well, so now please try to do the same!" Clap-clap.
Angel pinched his brow. "I am too sober for this…" he groaned.
"Well, get used to it and learn how to play," said Vaggie with a smirk. "This is gonna be your whole day."
Clap-clap.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
Angel was dressed in a hat and trenchcoat, holding a script in his hands. "Oh, I'm a bad man on the streets who never got enough hugs, now, where's an innocent kid I can sell crack to?" he glanced down at the script again. "...wow, who wrote this?"
"It's good, right?" beamed Charlie, ignoring any possible insult.
"Oscar-worthy," replied Augie sarcastically.
"Keep going," insisted Charlie, as Angel looked over at Pentious, dressed in a sailor suit and licking a large lollipop.
"Hey, you," said Angel.
"Who, me?" asked Pentious.
"Yeah, you look like a kid who could use some…" Angel paused to make sure he'd read the next line correctly. "...devil's dandruff? Oh, for fuck's sake."
"Not me!" chirped the snake. "I have to go home and sssstudy!"
"Come on, kid, it'll make you cool like me…" replied Angel. "...the crackhead."
"The only cool thing here is to s-s-s-say no to drugs!" Pentious replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to not have sexual intercourse before marriage!"
"Oh, bravo! Bravo!" Charlie cheered as she got to her feet and clapped. "Wow, Pentious! At this rate, you'll be redeemed in no time!"
"Hopefully it isn't too soon," Pentious responded. "I would hate to have to leave you all so suddenly!"
Angel looked a little uneasy at the scene. "I…I'm goin' to bed…" he said as he headed for the staircase. As he headed up, he spared a last glance at the others; Charlie was praising Sir Pentious for playing along with her very poorly-written script.
Up in Angel's room, the spider demon tossed his trenchcoat and hat off, covering his piglet, Fat Nuggets, as he flopped down on the bed. Maybe he should've treated this "redemption" thing as something more than just a way to get free room and board. Besides, it kept him away from Valentino…and every second he got away from that bastard was one he treasured.
Pulling out his phone, Angel noticed he had been hit with a deluge of voicemails—and no points for guessing who sent them.
Scrolling through, he decided to start at random.
"Angel baby, come home! It's not the same without you here, I miss you! Come back—"
"ANGEL, YOU BITCH! IF YOU DON'T COME HOME, YOU'LL BE FUCKING GREASY TRUCKERS FOR THE NEXT YEAR—"
"Hey, amorcito, I didn't mean to yell, but you know how crazy you make me—"
"YOU FUCKING SLUT!"
"Hey, Angie! About earlier—"
"—KILL YOUR WHOLE FUCKIN' FAMILY!"
"Work's really stressful!"
"—LITTLE COCKSUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!"
"You actually think you can change?" this last one sounded deathly serious. Angel could practically smell the stink of Valentino's nauseating love potion permeating the air. "Addict trash like you doesn't change. I'll see you soon, baby."
Angel laid on the bed, wincing, as Fat Nuggets scurried up next to him. "Sorry…not now, Fat Nuggets…" he sighed, before he got up and left the room.
The pornstar made his way down to the Concierge lounge and grabbed a bottle of Vodka, immediately gulping it down.
As he strode through the hallway, he suddenly caught a glimpse of something zipping through the hallway.
"Huh?" Angel exclaimed with a raised eyebrow. Curiosity piqued, he headed over to take a look. As he headed down the hall, he saw that Charlie's office door was left open.
Taking a look inside, he saw that Sir Pentious and the Eggs were inside, putting something on a bookshelf.
"You slippery, little shit!" the prostitute angrily said through clenched teeth as he threw open the doors.
"GAAH!" Pentious shrieked as he stumbled back.
"You're workin' for the Vees?" Angel snapped as he approached. "I knew ya couldn't be trusted, you double-dealin' piece a shit!"
"Uh…boss, I think he's onto us!" Poach said nervously.
"Keep your cool, you soft-shelled sap!" Pentious hissed, before turning back towards Angel. "I haven't a clue what you're talking about. And besides, tell if you like, but who are they going to believe?"
Angel clenched his fists—all four of them.
"After all, I've been a model participant, while you just see this as one big waste of time," sneered Sir Pentious. "It'll be my word against yours, whore-bug."
Ya see, that last remark was what lit the fuse. With a roar, Angel lunged at the serpent, while the eggs scurried out of the way. He delivered two blows across his face, and wrestled with him.
"Get your aggressively average body...OFF OF ME!" bellowed Sir Pentious, as he whirled around and started using his spirals to briefly stun Angel.
"Agh! Ya lousy—" Angel fumed, shaking his head. "First, aggressively average? Piss off!"
Finally, he had Pentious and the eggs cornered. But due to the commotion, Charlie, Vaggie, and Augie had woken up.
"What's going on?" yawned Charlie.
Angel had Pentious by the lapels. "This little bitch is a traitor!" he exclaimed, slurring his words.
"Izzat right, then?" asked Augie.
"My dear Augustus, you don't actually believe this hogwash, do you?" Pentious asked. "I mean, these lies he's spouting are nothing but pure, unsubstantiated fantasy!"
"Oh, yeah?" retorted Angel, gesturing to the camera on the bookshelf. "Then explain this!"
"Well, obviously, he wanted to know what present to get her as a thank-you!" Poach stated very matter-of-factly. "But he didn't want her to know that HE didn't know, so it could be a surprise!"
"See?" smiled Pentious. "No harm, no foul! Now, if that's all, we can return to our sleeping qua—"
VEEP! VEEP! VEEP! VEEP!
Pentious's blood ran colder as his eyes slowly went down to his wristcom.
Of all the damned times for them to call…
"Excuse me, I have to take this call—" he began, but Angel stopped him.
"I think the fuck not," he retorted. "After all, we're friends here, ain't we? Surely whatever call you're makin' isn't a problem, now is it?"
"Well, this one is very important!" insisted Pentious. "It's…from my mother. She's dreadfully sick, you see."
Angel raised a brow in disbelief. "Yer mother. Really?" he asked.
"Yes, my mother." Sir Pentious responded. "She'ssss quite ill."
"Oh, I'm so sure," Angel replied before the wristcom beeped and flashed to a shot of Vox.
"You know what I really hate, scales?" the television mogul started. "When people screen my fucking calls!"
Sir Pentious pinched his brow. "You couldn't have called an hour later?" he groaned.
"I was busy with emcee duties. Sue me," Vox brushed him off. "Anyways, I'm calling for a status report."
"Well, it's ruined now, thanks to YOU!" Sir Pentious snapped.
"Ruined? You mean you got caught?!" Vox asked, cracking up. "It hasn't even been a DAY!"
"BECAUSE YOU CALLED, YOU PLASMA-SCREEN PINHEAD!" Sir Pentious screeched.
But if you think Vox is going to take the blame for his screw-up, then you must not know him very well.
"Sounds like that's a YP, not an MP," retorted Vox. "Why don't you do us a favor: if they don't kill you, GO AHEAD AND DO IT YOURSELF, YOU MISERABLE FAILURE."
And with that, the wristcom transmission ended.
Angel crossed his arms with a smirk. "I rest my case," he responded.
Pentious glanced at the blank screen, then back at the others. "...alright, then," he spoke up. "All I ask is that you make it quick." he said as he exposed his chest for a clear shot.
Vaggie stepped forward with a spear. "Gladly," she declared, ready to eviscerate Pentious.
"Wait!" Charlie spoke up as she placed her left hand on the head of partner's spear, and extended her right hand to Pentious.
Pentious looked up. "...w-what are you doing?" he asked, genuinely curious.
It starts with sorry, that's your foot in the door.
One simple sorry, spoken straight from your core.
The path to forgiveness is a twisting trail of hearts!
But sorry is where it starts!
Sir Pentious: Who could forgive a bastard like me?
I don't deserve your amnesty!
Angel Dust and Vaggie: Can't we just kill him?
Shoot him and spill his blood?
Charlie: That's an option you could choose...
Angel Dust and Vaggie: Works for us!
Charlie: But who hasn't been in his shoes? It starts with sorry.
Sir Pentious: Sorry.
Charlie: Dig down deeper and say one sincere sorry!
Sir Pentious: I'm so sorry!
Charlie: And your journey's underway!
Charlie and Sir Pentious: It'll take time to cover your/my vast multitude of sins
But sorry is where it begins. It starts with sorry.
"I HATED that song!" whinged Niffty, who had arrived midway through. "Why are you so lame?!" she punted him in the tail, and walked off. "Not a bad boy!"
Sir Pentious winced. "I can live with that…"
"So, what's the verdict?" asked Charlie. "...Uncle?"
Everyone turned to Augie, who was mostly watching things play out.
"Well…I guess we could let him live," he replied. "None of us is exactly squeaky clean, and ain't this hotel for the sake of givin' second chances?"
"Hooray, the boss is gonna live!" exclaimed Scramble.
"Good thing, too," agreed Poach. "We haven't exactly gotten our resumes worked out."
Charlie wiped her brow, satisfied. "Good first day, everyone," she said. "I think we've earned some rest."
"Ya took the words right outta my mouth, kiddo," said Augie. "And on that note, I bid you all 'good night'."
And he, along with the others, left for their quarters soon after.
The lights then dimmed as Alastor peeked around the corner, bearing his usual ear-to-ear grin. He then picked up the dropped wristcom, and proceeded to activate it, summoning Vox's image one last time.
"WHAT?!" shouted Vox, before he saw who was calling him.
"You'll have to try harder than that next time, old pal," the radio demon taunted as he crushed the wristcom in his grasp, and then left the room, cackling to himself.
And there's episode 2. We decided to make some changes to make the episode a bit more palatable, as well as giving Pentious two named Eggboys we can keep around when the majority of them get shattered.
Every bad guy worth his twisty mustache needs two goofy henchmen to balance them out.
Plus, we slipped in some references. See if you can spot them!
Next time, we meet the other Overlords, including Carmilla Carmine—and I know Augie's gonna be excited about that!
Get ready for further character development and expansion as our retelling continues!
Please read and review, okay?