"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind, a journey into a ludicrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination and madness. That's the crazy town up ahead—your next stop, the Ventura Zone."

Chapter 1: There's Something on the Wing

Ace Ventura sat by the window seat of an airplane, loudly munching on peanuts and sunflower seeds. The crackling sound of shells being broken and the obnoxiously exaggerated chewing filled the cabin, drawing irritated stares from other passengers. Unfazed, Ace turned to his nearest neighbor, a grumpy-looking man, and grinned. "Would you like some?" he asked, holding out a handful of his snacks.

When the man shook his head, Ace shrugged and said, "Your loss," before doubling down on his loud munching, making even more dramatic chomping sounds.

One row ahead, James T. Kirk sat in his own window seat, engaged in conversation with a woman seated next to him. She had a confident demeanor and a sharp, intelligent gaze.

"So, you're heading to join the Starship Academy too?" Kirk asked.

The woman nodded. "That's right. Nyota Uhura. And you?"

"James T. Kirk," he said with a charming smile. "Small world, huh?"

Across the aisle, a man with pointed ears and a perfectly composed expression sat with impeccable posture. His calm, straight face contrasted sharply with the surrounding chaos. Uhura glanced at him and leaned closer to Kirk.

"I think he's heading to the academy as well," she said in a hushed voice. "But he gives me the creeps."

Kirk turned to look at the pointed-eared man, noting his distinct features. "Yeah, I see what you mean. He's got quite the look. I wonder what his name is."

Uhura smirked. "I think it's Mister Prick. And apparently, he wants to be a captain one day."

Kirk snorted and whispered back, "Not if I have anything to do with it. Besides, with ears like that, he'd probably be better off working as a sound engineer."

Without turning his head, the pointed-eared man calmly said, "My name is Mr. Spock."

Kirk blinked, startled. "I'm sorry. What was that?"

Spock spoke a little louder this time. "I said, my name is Mr. Spock. Not Prick. And if you're looking for one, I believe the 'prick' is sitting directly behind you."

Kirk and Uhura turned to look back at Ace Ventura, who now had bits of peanuts and sunflower seeds spilling out of his mouth. Ace gave them a wide grin, holding out his snack-filled hands.

"Peanut?" he offered cheerfully, shells flying from his lips.

The trio quickly turned back around, trying to stifle their laughter. Uhura shook her head. "Man, I hope he isn't joining the academy."

Before anyone could respond, Ace dramatically stood up, brushing crumbs off his Hawaiian shirt. "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, at your service!" he declared loudly. "And yes, I am joining the academy. My mission will be to track down interstellar creatures and return them to their rightful owners."

Kirk, Uhura, and Spock stared at him, momentarily stunned. Then Spock burst out laughing, which was very unusual for him. "I didn't even know that was a position at the academy," he said, shaking his head.

Ace grinned wider, leaning into the aisle. "Well, it is now. Somebody's gotta do it, Captain Sound Engineer!"

The man sitting next to Mr. Spock suddenly spoke up. "I'm also an engineer. I plan on joining the academy as well. My name is Montgomery Scott, but you can call me Scotty."

The grumpy man sitting next to Ace Ventura snorted. "Great. Since when did the academy let in a bunch of misfits?"

Kirk turned to look at the grumpy man. "And what is your name?" he asked.

The man grumbled, "The name is Leonard McCoy, but you can call me Bones."

"Bones?" Kirk asked, smirking. "What are you, an archaeologist?"

"Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor. Not a nerd," Bones replied, glaring at Kirk. "The term 'Bones' comes from the 19th-century term 'sawbones' for a surgeon."

Ace, now picking at a zit on his chin, chimed in. "I knew that."

Bones turned to Ace, then yelled toward the stewardess, "Can we get this plane moving any faster?"

A goofy-looking kid sitting across the aisle from Bones piped up. "I'm sure they're giving it all they've got."

Bones looked at the kid skeptically. "And how would you know?"

The kid grinned. "My name is Pavel Chekov, sir, and I'm going to be a navigator for the academy."

Bones shook his head in exasperation. "Great. Just great!"

Kirk looked back at Chekov and commented, "I'm sure you'll make a great navigator one day, but first you need to make it through puberty."

Chekov gave Kirk a funny look and said, "I'm 18 years old, sir."

Kirk did a double take, not believing Chekov was the age he claimed. Bones shook his head again and muttered, "Starfleet is going to need a damn daycare center."

Kirk then looked at the young blonde boy sitting next to Chekov. "I figured you guys were brothers. What's your name, young man?" he asked.

"Luke Skywalker," the boy responded.

Kirk raised an eyebrow. "I suppose you're trying out for the academy as well?"

Luke shook his head. "No, sir. I'm joining the Jedi resistance."

The group burst into laughter. "Jedi are a joke!" Kirk exclaimed. "Why don't you go back there and sit with your father," he added, pointing to the back row where a man in a black robot mask and large helmet sat.

Luke stood up, whimpering. "He's not my father," he said, rushing off toward the bathroom.

The group erupted into more laughter, making jokes and imitating lines from Star Wars movies. "I think he is going to take a number 2 in the bathroom. The burrito strikes back," Uhura mocked.

"If he's constipated, he'll need to use the 'force' to get it out," Scotty quipped, causing everyone to laugh even harder.

"Why don't you go help him navigate it, Chekov?" Bones insisted.

"Hey, hey, now. Chekov is on our side," Kirk stated.

After the laughter settled down, Uhura looked at Kirk, and asked, "So, James, what are you hoping to become when we get to the academy?"

Kirk looked back at her, and with complete sincerity, he replied, "I plan on being a captain. People will call me Captain Kirk. I think it has a nice ring to it," he paused, looking over at Mr. Spock, "Don't you think it has a nice ring to it, Mr. Prick?"

Spock didn't even give him a response.

"Once I'm a captain, my key phrase as we take off will be engage."

Suddenly, a bald man sitting a few rows in front of him said, "I don't think so. That's my line."

"Fine," Kirk retorted. "I'll just go with my second phrase, steady as she goes."

Ace acted as if he was clearing his throat. "Ahem-lame…" he muttered under his breath.

Finally, everyone on board fell asleep, except for Kirk. He had trouble sleeping because his mind was always thinking. Bored, Kirk raised the blind on his window. He was startled when he saw a creature on the wing that looked like some kind of ape-man. The creature appeared as if it was trying to destroy one of the plane's engines.

Kirk quickly called for the stewardess. The stewardess rushed to Kirk's side and asked, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

Kirk pointed out the window and said, "There's something on the wing."

The stewardess looked confused and again she asked, "I'm sorry. What was that, sir?"

Kirk looked out the window again, still seeing the creature trying to destroy the engine. He pointed and said with even more emphasis, "There's. Something. On. The wing!"

The stewardess bent over to look out the window. "I don't see anything out there," she replied.

Kirk looked out the window again, but this time, the creature was gone. The stewardess looked at him with concern and said, "Perhaps you should try to get some sleep. I'm sure you are just tired. I'll go find something to help you relax better."

Kirk leaned back in his seat, trying to relax his brain. He looked out the window one last time before closing the blinds again and saw nothing. Minutes later, since he still couldn't sleep, he opened the blinds again. Once again, he saw the creature and became startled like before.

Kirk tried waking up Uhura by shaking her gently. Uhura woke up and said, "What is it, James?"

Kirk pointed to the window and said, "Look. There's something on the wing."

Uhura rubbed her eyes and looked out the window, but she didn't see anything. "Nothing is out there, sweetie. Just a lightning storm and some clouds."

Kirk turned back to look. He also didn't see the creature anymore. Uhura, just like the stewardess, suggested Kirk just needed to go to sleep, and she leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

Kirk closed the blinds again, but a split-second later, he opened them back up. There, he saw the creature again. He looked around to see if anyone was awake, hoping someone else saw it so he didn't think he was going crazy. The creature finally spotted Kirk staring out the window at him and started approaching until it was right up on the window, its nose leaving smudge marks on the glass. Kirk closed the blinds, hoping the creature would move away.

"What the hell are you?" Kirk asked under his breath.

Suddenly, Kirk heard Ace's voice. "Holy cow," Ace exclaimed. "Would you look at that?"

Kirk quickly turned to look at Ace and asked, "You see it too?"

Ace replied, "Yes. I'm not blind—despite what my mom always said about... well, you know."

"Then. What the hell. Is it?" Kirk continued asking, desperately wanting to know.

Ace responded by saying, "It's a rare Gremlin of the Sasquatch nation... and it's worth a lot of money."

Kirk asked, "What the hell is a rare Gremlin of the Sasquatch nation?"

Ace replied, "It is a cross between Bigfoot and a Klingon, and worth a huge reward if I return him to his natural habitat."

Kirk, confused, asked, "What is it doing on the wing of the plane?"

Ace replied nonchalantly, "Oh, they just like to cause planes to crash, that's all."

Spooked, Kirk said, "Crash the plane? Why does he want to crash the plane?"

"Gremlins come from the future," Ace replied. "You probably end up having sexual relations with its girlfriend, just as you do with every alien female species in the future," he added.

"We have to do something about this," Kirk declared.

Kirk then pointed over at Mr. Spock and said, "I believe Mr. Prick has some sort of Phaser/stun-gun on him. Perhaps we should wake him."

Ace quickly replied, "No, no, no. Just relax. I'll be right back."

Ace then headed back toward the bathroom. Kirk wondered how Ace could possibly want to use the bathroom at a time like this. But then, as Kirk turned to look out the window again, Ace was suddenly out on the wing with the Gremlin.

"How did he get out there so quickly? And, how. Is he. Standing on. The wing?" Kirk asked in amazement.

Kirk is then spooked when he hears, "It does seem highly illogical, James."

When Kirk turned to look, it was Mr. Spock now sitting next to him, and somehow Uhura was in the seat where Mr. Spock was once sitting in.

Meanwhile, out on the wing, Ace was trying to calm the Gremlin down. "It's okay, boy. I'm not here to hurt you," he said, slowly moving closer to the creature.

The Gremlin began beating his chest, pointing toward Kirk. The creature then did an impression of Kirk humping its girlfriend by thrusting its hips back and forth.

"I know. I know. He's a horny man. He'll sleep with anything that has a hole in it," Ace spoke with great understanding of the creature's pain.

Just as Ace was right up on the Gremlin, it pushed Ace backwards, causing Ace to lose his footing and slide to the edge of the wing. Kirk watched in desperation as Ace hung on for dear life, Ace's face contorting with the strong winds hitting him.

The Gremlin began beating his chest again before going back to ripping up the wing and trying to destroy the engine. Kirk's eyes widened because he knew the creature was going to succeed.

The Gremlin had made it to the wiring and began pulling them out. It then looked back at Kirk and gave him the middle finger.

Kirk quickly grabbed Mr. Spock's Phaser and then fired toward the creature, creating a gaping hole in the window.

Suddenly, the plane began to depressurize, sucking out items into the void.

Kirk tried firing the Phaser again, but this time, Ace had appeared from out of nowhere, and he was back inside the plane. The creature was now gone.

Ace got pissed. "You just cost me a million dollars, Shape-Face!" he declared, smacking Kirk across his cheek.

Kirk retaliated by chopping down on Ace's clavicle with both hands.

"Is that the only move you've got, T.J. Hooker?" Ace mocked, lunging at Kirk.

Kirk quickly dropped down to the floor and used Ace's momentum to toss him over his head with his feet. "No! I've also got that move!" Kirk retorted, a sly smirk on his face.

Ace got up and grabbed some luggage from overhead and tossed them at Kirk, causing Kirk to have to dodge off to the side, landing in Uhura's lap.

Kirk waggled his eyebrows. "Maybe after I'm done taking care of this guy," he began saying to Uhura, "you and I could join the mile high club."

Before Uhura could respond, Ace had smashed into Kirk with a flying drop-kick. All this happening while the plane is still depressurizing.

Ace then straddled Kirk, screaming, "Do you like that?" he asked, swinging away, punching down at Kirk's face.

Everyone on the plane tried to intervene, hoping to stop the fight and get the plane under control, but Ace was relentless because Kirk had cost him so much money by scaring off the Gremlin.

Finally, Mr. Spock had to resort to an old Vulcan paralyzing technique called the 'Vulcan Neck-Pinch.' However, the paralyzing technique didn't seem to work on Ace, and in fact, Ace seemed to enjoy it.

"Could you massage a little lower?" Ace asked. "I think I might have pulled a muscle while hanging onto the wing.

Mr. Spock was amazed at Ace's resilience.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, "For the love of God, could somebody shut this guy up?" Clang, a pan smashed against the backside of Ace's head, causing him to fall over unconscious onto Kirk. It was Bones standing over him, holding the pan.

Mr. Spock had a confused look on his face. "It seems illogical that you would have a frying pan onboard this plane."

Bones gazed back at him with a dead stare. "Oh, would you shut the hell up, you pointy eared—green blooded Vulcan."

Minutes later, the plane safely landed, and everyone exited the plane.

Uhura looked on as the medical crew hoisted Kirk onto a gurney. "That was quite a flight," she stated. "It certainly wasn't what I would've expected for what might've been our maiden voyage together."

Chekov and Scotty shook their heads in agreement. "Do you think James Kirk will be okay?" Scotty asked.

"I don't know. They said they might have to take him to Shady Acres Mental Hospital after all that crazy talk about a creature trying to destroy the plane," Uhura replied.

"It's a shame," Chekov said. "He seemed like he might have been a fun keeptain to work with."

"Well, I guess we'll see what happens," Uhura said, walking toward the baggage claim.

Epilogue:

Uhura, Spock, Chekov, Bones, Scotty, and of course, Sulu, stood together on the bridge of the USS Enterprise, awaiting the captain to give them the orders to take off. When the captain's chair turned around, it was Ace Ventura sitting at the helm. With a huge grin, he said, "Onward. Engage. Steady as she goes. And most importantly… Alrighty then!"

PS… "If we aren't back in five years… just wait longer."

"This is the voyage of the Starship Enterprise," Ace declared dramatically, pausing for effect. "Our mission: to seek out weird life forms, strange new worlds... and boldly return lost pets where no pet detective has gone before!... Because you have entered—The Ventura Zone."