Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last conversation. You're all wonderful.

Please note: It is my hope that by the 23rd century, the term widow is no longer a gendered word. In the story I'm using it to describe men and women who have lost a spouse.

Day 67: Thank you for stepping up

From: Benjamin_2254

To: SuluHG2260

Subject: Re: IOU so much chocolate and foot rubs right now

Time arrived: 4/28/2260 00:00:01

Thanks for writing. I miss you, especially this time a year although Sue and her sister have been helping. It is a lot easier to deal with everything when you have friends that won't let you wallow, especially new friends that don't remind me of Zack so that's good. Did Sue mention that the new play group is going great? Even though I'm just a Starfleet widower, they've really embraced me. There have been lunches and dinners without kids and copious amounts of alcohol not smuggled into ice tea. That's a great improvement.

I've been making friends. A few in the group actually knew Zach from before. Jackie shared a bathroom back at the Academy with Zach. Although, she was still going by Jack at the time. Apparently he never got the concept of not leaving towels on the floor. I like that her stories are not making me sad, but actually make me laugh. I think that's progress.

Other than dates with you, I think this is really the first time I've really been getting out. It helps that Sue's sister doesn't make snarky comments when I asked her to babysit. Zach's parents were never that nice, which is why I hated asking them and appreciate finding out I still qualify for Starfleet day care, as a widow's benefit.

So, the fact that I happily let Liz and Kevin watch my daughter pretty much tells you that yes, I endorse them for long term childcare duty. They are definitely better at taking care of her then her grandparents. I can totally understand why you're stressed about this. It's a big decision, but don't worry, I will be around to keep an eye on Desi. Our kids can't spend that much time away from each other. The other parents in the playgroup refer to them as sisters already. It's kind of cute.

So Liz is kind of a sweetheart and understands a lot of what I'm going through. I'm kind of considering her a friend already despite the age difference. Are you aware that her family died a few years ago in some major catastrophe and that's why she was adopted by Admiral Chen. I know her family along with Kevin were on the Tarsus colony when things went badly. I gather that whatever happened was worse than what the media knew.

I think that's why they've invited me to an amusement park on Remembrance Day. The worst thing I'm going to have to deal with is a moment of silence in remembrance of all the Vulcans and Starfleet personnel who lost their lives that day two years ago. I think I can handle that better at an amusement park then I can handle a Starfleet event with my former in-laws. They're pissed at me for not going, but I really don't care. I don't want nor need to stand in front of the newly completed memorial to mourn my husband as the cameras roll on. I do that every day when I see my old wedding ring in the box. I do every day when I look at our daughter and he's not here to see her grow up.

And before you start writing your letter to me, please don't blame yourself for what happened. First, Zach was probably dead before Enterprise got anywhere near Vulcan. It was a trap. I'm only pissed off at the one who set the trap. Yeah it's not your fault. Sometimes bad things just happen. You can wallow or you can move on and I'm moving on.

Anyway, only about a month and a half until I get to see you again. I am counting down the days already and picking out luggage. It turns out my one and a half-year-old does need her own luggage. I have been approved for the time off from work. Even though I'm going to be gone for over three weeks due to the amount of time it's going to take to travel to you, my leave was fully approved. Mostly because the last vacation I took involved attending my husband's funeral. Thankfully, my supervisor believes I deserve some real time off.

Anyway, love you.

From: Elizabeth_Chen

To: SulxuHG2260

Time arrived: 4/28/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Re: Do you really want to have your niece living with you for a year?

OK your letter beat my sister by like an hour, but I pretended that I didn't know so I think you're in the clear. I am sorry that your sisters did not want to be responsible for Desi because they have issues, or you know are self-centered. I mean I am a full-time student and I'm working part time, and still I'm completely willing to rearrange everything around because she is my little niece. Of course I'm going to make sure she is OK with my big sister millions of miles away on the Hamilton. That's what aunts do.

I mean I always assumed that I would be doing babysitting duty when mom had her. I was even considering moving back home to help out although I do like the idea of a separate apartment because I don't think I can send Kevin back to the dorms by himself. If one more person says something stupid about Jim, I'm probably going to have to break out the bail money. Kevin is very protective of his big brother and I can understand. I mean Winona was technically his mom but I think Jim was the one who really raised him because, well, none of us were okay after what happened to us on that planet.

If you're really OK with it, we will come up with a plan. Baby girl comes first. I don't have to work. I do have a very large trust fund. The Federation gives you a lot of money to not talk about a certain fuck up. I mean at least 20% of it has gone to therapy, but I can afford not to work for a semester or two. I was mostly doing it for the experience and free appetizers. Starfleet cafeteria food is awful and I say that as somebody who has lived through a famine and ate tree bark. I was already considering it because of Winona duty. Kevin is going to do his semester on ship later, possibly next summer and Sue should be back by then. If not, I think Desi will be almost self-sufficient, at that point. Maybe she'll already be potty trained and fighting me about wardrobe choices.

Also, Kevin, unlike his brother, is taking the academy at a normal speed. Sometimes I think Jim is crazy to try to get out in three years, but then again, I kind of think that he was trying to get out before Kevin would arrive at the Academy because being at the same school as your big brother would be a little awkward. I on the other hand can actually ease up on my class load a little bit because I am a bit ahead, thanks to taking some Academy classes when I was still in high school.

Also other than Kevin being Admiral Pike's intern this summer, we didn't have that much planned. So we can do more playgroup and child focused activities. We could even take the baby to the farm in Iowa for a little while. I think Kevin and Winona are trying to figure out what to do with it. Apparently someone wants to buy it and turn it into a museum/B&B. They're considering it because Winona is realizing that she's healthier being in San Francisco than wallowing in Iowa

I do understand that this is a hard decision for you. I hated being left behind by my parents when they would go on missions which was why I was so happy they were letting me go with them to Tarsus and well, you know how that turned out. So maybe it's better to keep your kids in the hands of someone you trust and I'm going to work very hard to be that person.

Kevin is as well. I'm sure Kevin and I received excellent marks from Jim. Jim was Kevin's main parental figure growing up so I think he will be OK. Let me know your decision. I'll be a team player no matter what's decided. Kevin too.

Kevin also says please keep an eye on his brother and keep him from being an idiot. He knows that an away mission is coming. And so is naturally apprehensive because his big brother has a dying problem.

From: SuluHG2260

To: Benjamin_2254

Subject: RE: IOU so much chocolate and foot rubs right now

Time sent: 4/28/2260 06:23:41

I think it's going to be hard for me not to blame myself especially as the anniversary approaches and I know that you're hurting personally. Maybe over time it will get better, but the human heart is nowhere near as logical as it should be. I also hate seeing you in pain and I know your heart is heavy right now. Glad that memories of Zach are making you laugh again, instead of cry.

Although I am glad to hear that you trust Kevin and Liz with your daughter. Also I am happy that you're giving them reasons to babysit. I'm glad that you made new friends. You deserve to be happy. After thinking about it for a few weeks, I have decided that I am going to let Liz and Kevin keep Damora while Sue is on the Hamilton. Apparently, the Admiral is going to arrange for them to be close to her, so she can keep an eye on them which makes me even less apprehensive about the prospect. There will definitely be nepotism charges and jokes levied around, but that was probably going to happen no matter what because there's too many dicks at the Academy. Way too many.

And sorry about the in-laws. I would like to say that my family will be better, but I'm sure you know better by now, considering you were there when my sisters told Sue no about taking care of Desi.

I know that the in-laws want you to be miserable with them or maybe they just want baby cuddles, but you have no obligation to be there and neither does the baby. Your emotional well-being is the most important thing. You can always bring the baby over to their house later. Again you have to protect yourself. Self-care is important.

I am kind of sad we're not doing the Star base remembrance ceremony because that would mean I could call you, but I think for the sake of my captain, it's probably best we're on our way to a deep space exploring mission and therefore could not be somewhere where he would have to participate. He is less inclined to mourn in public then you. Last year wasn't good for him and this year I expect it to be worse, especially with the Ashleys.

All three of them lost parents in the battle. One girl actually lost both parents during the battle. I think Jim wants to make Starfleet orphan club T-shirts. Sometimes my first officer has very poor taste. I'm hoping my captain puts his foot down, but you never know with those two.

Anyway, write me back whenever you get this. Love you, miss you always.

From: SulxuHG2260

To: Elizabeth_Chen

Time sent: 4/28/2260 6:43:01

Subject: Thank you for stepping up.

Thank you for being better than my sisters. I don't want to talk about what's going on with those two. That's probably something best dealt with the next time I see them in person, which will probably be in about five years or longer. Maybe the Christmas after I come back, if I'm not already on another mission. Although I think I'm totally taking a teaching assignment for a few years after this. I want to spend some time planet side with my kid.

I'm glad that you're willing to take care of my daughter. Not only willing, but willing to rearrange things so it will work out better. You have no idea how happy I am for that. I'm crying a little bit. So yes, tell your sister that she can send the forms up and I'll sign.

Also I want to say thank you for watching out for Ben. As we get closer to the anniversary of Zach's death, I'm more concerned. Not because I think my boyfriend is still in love with his dead husband because I know he's still in love with his dead husband, but that's okay. The human heart doesn't have a finite amount of love to give. You can love more than one person. I just don't want Ben to be overwhelmed with grief. And I think your amusement park plan might do that this year so thank you for just being there for him when I can't be. Long distance relationships are hard, but I think it's worth it. Ben is worth it.

Anyway, thank you again for taking care of my family when I'm on duty.

To be continued

Please note, that because I'm going on vacation there will probably not be any updates next week but I will post a chapter once I get back.