Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last set of messages. This was originally part of the last chapter but then I realized that Spock would be so busy with the remembrance ceremony and Jim that he probably wouldn't write anything else that day. However, I totally see him writing these notes at around 4 AM because Spock does need less sleep than his husband, but he enjoys the cuddling. Spock is a secret cuddler.

Day 72: How We Move Forward

Dear James:

Thank you James for knowing what I need when even I do not. Yesterday went much better than expected. The exercise was cathartic and yes, there was actual crying for everyone involved except myself, but only because I prefer not to cry in front of anybody but you. Ashley three started crying while placing the cookies for the reception.

I did share a few stories about Amanda. Most of them involving small fires and preparations for diplomatic visits. I still do not understand how my mother's baked goods tasted so good but were burnt so often. I think it may have something to do with the oven's temperature controls being written in Vulcan. My mom was a talented linguist and could speak multiple languages; however, written Vulcan was slightly more difficult to fully grasp.

It was good to focus on positive memories or more accurately not painful memories. The Ashleys also shared various anecdotes. Today I found out that Ashley 2's father was one of my instructors at the Academy. He was the one who severely punished several of my classmates for the various racial/xenophobic slurs hurled at me when I first arrived at the Academy. Thanks to his actions during my first year, I believe I had a pleasanter experience at the Academy then I did during my Vulcan primary education.

He was also multi species, so he understood. Ashley 2 started to cry when I shared that story but Margarita and Nyota reassured me that they were happy tears. I am still trying to completely understand that concept.

Although I'm still displeased that you used sex to get me to agree to doing some sort of remembrance ceremony. I am not displeased with the actual results. I think it was for the betterment of the crew that we do take a moment to remember those that we lost. It's better to embrace it, then try to lock it away and pretend that it does not hurt. I am trying to learn that balance with you.

Your speech was tasteful and appropriate. I observed that 47% of the crowd was crying at that point. I also regret that you never met Amanda. She would have found you endearing. Mostly I think she would have been happy that I found someone who loves me as deeply as you do.

Yes I did speak with my father. Thank you for authorizing the video call because I do not believe a letter was sufficient especially on this day. He is well but he does miss my mother.

Actually it is more than that. He feels guilty because he is among the living, and she is not. Despite the illogical nature of it, he still questions why he survived, and she did not. I am not certain that will ever cease.

Regardless, he is adjusting to his new life on the colony and a new position that will allow him to actually spend more time on the colony. Now that they do not need to procure aid from other Federation nations to rebuild, the government is shifting its focus back to the colony, which means my father is less needed as a diplomat and more as a local community leader.

Due to the fact he no longer needs to travel as much as he did during the first two years, he is considering becoming a foster parent again. There are still many young Vulcan children living in group homes on the colony. My parents were foster parents before, but thanks to post Kelvin prejudice, Michelle only lived with us for a brief time before being adopted by a family on Earth. He believes the endeavor will be more successful at this time. I am not completely sure why he is choosing this avenue instead of utilizing a gestational carrier as we discussed previously, but I am certain there is a reason for his decision to reverse course.

PS: Do we consider today an anniversary of ours?

Dear Amanda:

Yesterday was the second anniversary of your death, but in all honesty today is the anniversary of when I truly absorbed it. It took nearly killing my future husband for me to even acknowledge your loss. Two years later, I am still angry that you are not here with me. I spoke with father today at length. I feel that he misses you immensely, even though he does not verbalize such feelings. I could discern this in the way he reminisced and laments the fact that most images of you are lost. I am still surprised that he never asked for your necklace back now.

Obviously, the fact that I am calling father voluntarily is an apparent sign that our relationship has improved greatly in these last two years. I only wish it did not take losing you for us to get over our previous animosity. I wish that I could still call you. I would appreciate your advice on how to deal with the three young ladies on the ship named Ashley, who also lost parents the same day I lost you. I don't think that longing to talk to you will ever go away. I do not wish it too.

I regret that you are not around to see what my life has become. I'm sure you would be proud of the fact that I'm now a Captain. You would probably be even more proud of the fact that I found a true friend and lover in James. He made me see the logic in love. He made sure that I would not be overwhelmed by emotions yesterday. I will not forget that.

In closing, I just want to say that I love you. I apologize for not vocalizing that nearly enough when you were alive, but I believe that you knew the true depth of my regard for you. You will be part of my heart.

Dear Spock:

You should not make me cry over my cereal but you did. You're so illogically sentimental that it's adorable. And a little heartbreaking as well.

I'm not surprised that your dad feels guilty. Survivor guilt absolutely sucks. I got it the worst when I found out that in the other timeline, Sam lived a lot longer because I was the one that went to Tarsus. Sam still had a tragic death, but there's a difference between dying in your teens and dying in your 30s.

I don't think the guilt goes away entirely, but that's what the therapy is for. We should totally do a couple session when I get back. Or maybe once we've wrapped up this assignment. Wish me luck on the successful away mission this morning.

Love you.

PS: No I'm not counting this as another anniversary, because we already have a human wedding date and a Vulcan ceremony day. No need to add a third day to remember.

To be continued