Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last set of messages. You are all fabulous.

Day 91: Thank you for your Mother's Day present

From: W_Kirk_wellness_Hills

To: Spock's_cuddlebunny

Subject: Re: Happy Mother's Day

Time arrived: 5/22/2260 00:00:01

Thank you for your letter. I'm okay that it came late. Really, I'm just glad you're talking to me this Mother's Day after radio silence last year. I realize in hindsight I should not have freaked out so much about you getting married. I'm starting to like your husband. He's growing on me.

I'm not happy for the reason why it came late, but if being stranded for five days is the worst thing that's happening, I can deal with that. It wasn't your fault. I'm aware that the most benign mission ever on paper can turn disastrous.

You're aware you were not supposed to be born in space. You aren't even supposed to be born for almost another three months when we were already safely black planet side. But on the way home we were attacked, and I became a single mom.

It could've been worse, I realize that now. At least your dad got to see you. Ben's husband Zach didn't get that much. Which is sad because she's such a beautiful little girl. So full of life and happiness. Also, unlike me Ben has been dealing with his grief and moving forward. (He also has significantly better taste in follow-up relationships. I'm still so sorry about Frank.) I like that about him which might be why we are becoming friends. He needs somebody to talk to that really understands what he's going through.

The guy needs a friend because Zach's parents are just making it worse because they can't let go. They blame him just like your dad's parents blamed me for your dad dying. Like if I wasn't pregnant, then maybe he wouldn't have done what he did, and he would have been in that escape pod with us. Obviously, they didn't know your dad. Yes, he was doing it for us because it's amazing what a parent will do to keep their kids alive, but he was also doing it for everyone else on that ship. I know you get that now.

Although, even though they hate me, they never tried to take you and Sam away from me. I think that would have broken me completely if they did because they probably would've won. You and Sam were the only things keeping me from losing it entirely. I was such a mess, but as I said earlier, Ben has it more together than I do. I wish I could've been that way. But you can't change the past. You can only move forward. At least that's what my new therapist says.

I think I want to stay in San Francisco. I'm healthier here. I have more friends and I'm making lots of new ones including my fellow Starfleet with those club members, Ben. Kevin is here as well, at least for the next few years. By the way, he's mad at you. So mad that he has not responded to your last two letters. You and Kevin are going to have to work that out when we get to Yorktown if he doesn't write you before then.

Although, I think the number one reason why I need to stay in San Francisco is there are less things here that haunt me. Considering I went to school with your father in San Francisco, that says a lot of sad things about my mental state. I'm not just haunted by your father. I'm haunted by Frank and how my decision hurt you so badly. The fact that you're happily married makes me feel so good because I didn't ruin that for you due to my bad decisions.

I'm also haunted by Sam. I was never the mother that you and Sam needed me to be. I felt like maybe he went to Tarsus with me, not just because it was an excellent education opportunity, but because he didn't trust me to be on my own. If he wasn't there, then he would still be alive. There's a lot of guilt there and I'm just now starting to work through it with the doctors here. For too long, I just stayed in the bottle and never really resolved it.

You're not supposed to bury your children. You're just not and I did, and I almost did the second time and I think that's what pushed me over. But it also made me realize that I need help and I can't keep falling back on old patterns. As we get closer to that day it gets harder to keep that resolve, but I'm going to. The alcohol doesn't make things better, I realize that now. It just dulls things, but when you come out of the alcohol, everything is still there.

So yes, I'm selling the house. It's necessary to freely move on from the past. Part of me wants to burn it to the ground. But I can't destroy that last piece I have of Sam and George. It needs to live on, but I just can't live there.

Here in San Francisco, I feel like I am rebuilding not only myself, but my relationships with you and Kevin. I'm looking forward to spending a few days with you on Yorktown. I know I didn't exactly support your decision to join Starfleet, but in the long run, I realize it's the best decision for you and you are becoming who you were always meant to be.

I also like spending time with Kevin and his girlfriend and their baby. Desi is adorable, and I think I can deal with pseudo-grandmother hood for a little while. You know until you and your husband give me a grandchild. You say you only want to be Uncle Jim, but I don't believe you.

Of course, maybe I've completely thrown you off having kids. I don't know. I wasn't the best mom. The universe knows I made a lot of mistakes mostly related to my alcoholism, but I still love you. I'm just glad that you cared enough to remember Mother's Day this year.

Anyway, I'll see you soon. Love, mom

From: MomOU

To: NyotaUM

Time arrived: 05/22/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Thank you for your Mother's Day gift

Thank you for your Mother's Day cookies. They were delicious. My assistant had several. I gave a lot of them to the office since I'm alone now and have no one to share my cookies with.

I'm kind of shocked that you sent anything. Especially for Mother's Day. I wasn't the best mom. I realize that now. I'm never going to be able to apologize enough for boarding school. In hindsight it was a bad choice. I'm trying to make up for that with my new granddaughter. I think you'll do better than me. I know you'll do better than me, which is I guess what every parent wishes for.

Rodriguez has been keeping me updated on your five-year mission. I'm glad things have mostly been running smoothly. I also heard you're going to be on Yorktown soon. I hope it all goes well.

Please write me back whenever you have a chance.

From: Spock's_cuddlebunny

To: W_Kirk_wellness_Hills

Subject: Re: Happy Mother's Day

Time arrived: 5/22/2260 22:21:01

I'm glad my email was well received. It looks like messages are getting there sooner now. I'm also glad that our relationship is improving, especially after where it was last year. Some people are not as lucky. I have a friend who has been spending most of the day trying to figure out how to respond to her mom's latest email. I think she's on attempt number 25. In contrast, it only took two attempts and Spock having mercy on me and taking over typing duties. Such a good husband.

I am also happy that you're making a real commitment to staying sober this time. Even though I know it's difficult for you. I'm glad you're really trying. The upcoming anniversaries are going to be hard for all of us, even me. I miss Chris a lot and you know the first anniversary is always the worst one. It doesn't help that the anniversary of my near-death experience is going to be just a few days later. I'm going to be spending a lot of time with Margarita over the next few weeks. My poor therapist.

Although, I really do think she's helping me move foreword and reconcile with a lot of my personal ghosts. I am only throwing up every other time I visit engineering. That's progress, right?

Despite that, I like where I am right now. I don't miss being Captain. Not as much as I thought I would. Honestly, it doesn't feel that much different except I'm doing more administrative stuff and I'm working more directly with everybody. Maybe Spock and I are just really one unit and it doesn't matter what role we have officially.

Anyway, I'll tell you more about it when we get to Yorktown. We're supposed to have dinner the first night at the shipyard view restaurant. It's opening there or, so I've been told. I think we might be bringing the head chef. We may also have to charm a few diplomats. Yay Starfleet.

From: NyotaUM

To: MomOU

Time arrived: 05/22/2260 23:10:54

Subject: Thank you for your Mother's Day gift

I'm glad you liked the cookie bouquet. Although it was Josephine's idea to send them to you. She wanted to do something nice for you. She was originally planning to send them to me, but that wasn't an option. Instead, she roped Jim into helping her make breakfast for me.

Josephine is warming up to the idea of an actual grandmother. Leonard's mom was gone long before she was born, and the judge went through trophy wives like water. Josephine usually avoided all of them.

I've been working with Margarita a lot trying to process all the changes that have happened in the last year. I'm also trying to make peace with the past. Dr. Margarita says that it's dangerous to keep holding on to past pain. Over time it becomes a weight that will eventually drown us in the struggles of life. So, I'm working on it. Therapy is hard.

I hope all is well with you in San Francisco. I will try to write again when I have the chance.

To be continued