Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all fabulous. We are getting closer and closer to Yorktown and Demora day.
I realized that I was accidentally using the day Jim died instead of the day Chris died when I was planning the dates for these chapters. Thankfully, I caught it in time and I took a big jump of a few days, in another chapter so I could correct things. So, baby Demora's birthday is June 4, 2259 and Chris died on June 5, 2259. Jim died on June 9, 2259 and was revived shortly thereafter. I really should've made a chart beforehand.
Other continuity mistakes I've made that I've recently discovered such as including a June 31 and forgetting that I gave Sulu nieces. Now the children are his sister's stepchildren that he still considers nieces unless that messes up something else I said. Also, Jim and Spock's wedding anniversary is now June 30. This is what happens when you write a story for eight years.
Day 101: Yorktown here we come
From: Benjamin_2254
To: SuluHG2260
Subject: So good news, the judge took my side.
Time arrived: 6/02/2260 00:00:01
Hey, sweetie!
I'm on my way to you. We are in the car making our way to Starfleet right now to board the ship that will take us there. This is the first time I've been on a Starfleet ship. Zach never took me, not even to show off where he would be stationed. I guess I will have to get used to it. Your daughter being the granddaughter of the head of Starfleet does have some perks. I'm nervous and happy. Happy because I'm going to get to see you soon and because the judge is letting the trip take place at all, but I am nervous because I really don't like flying. I think I'm going to have to be drugged.
Unfortunately, the decision to let us come visit you is just a temporary reprieve. The unwelcome news is that I will still be battling them for custody when we get back. The judge wants us to try arbitration first. I don't know how that's going to work because they want complete control over my daughter's life as well as mine.
I'm kind of jealous of how you and Sue can just work so seamlessly with each other. Even your families get along and are somewhat supportive of her decisions and choices. They're not trying to make her feel like the bad guy.
Zach's parents never liked me. I know I've told you this, but it feels like it's gotten worse and I don't think it's just because I put my baby in Starfleet daycare. I'm willing to try arbitration, but I'm not sure what it's going to accomplish. You can't reason with people who don't want to be reasoned with or compromise for that matter.
I'm going to try not to think about it until July. So, I'm just going to enjoy these couple of weeks with the kids and later with you. There is no point over stressing about something that I can't fix right now.
I am really looking forward to seeing you soon. I have made babysitting arrangements for our first night together. Have I mentioned how much I absolutely adore your baby's mom? Sue really was the best person ever for you to have accidentally got pregnant during a three-way.
xxxx
From: Number_one_Pike
To: Spock's_cuddlebunny
Time arrived: 06/02/2260 00:00:01
Subject: I'm okay-ish
Don't cry for me, James. I'm OK-ish. I am sad that I'm not getting to see you for a while, but I do have plans. I will not wallow more than necessary. I must dedicate the Memorial with Chen. Then we're doing a spa day. Yes, she is sad that she's going to miss her granddaughter's first birthday and seeing her daughter off to the Hamilton but it's hard to get a day off when you oversee the organization.
I miss my husband. Chris was the love of my life. I don't think I'm never not going to miss him, but at least we had some beautiful years together. I am always going to treasure what we had, not wallow in the regrets of what didn't happen.
So yes, I'm sad. I'm going to try to think of all the good things like the silly emails he would send me when he was away. The way he hid chocolates everywhere. I'm not sure I have found all the hiding places. There would also be these little notes on post-its. Okay, I'm crying right now, but I'm processing.
Some days I'm sad and some days I'm mad. Some days I want to throw things and some days I forget that he's not with me anymore. And I keep saying goodbye again and again and again. I can't stay trapped in that grief. I must keep pushing forward, even if some days I am barely holding it together. I try to focus on the good because Chris was the type of person that would always see the good in people. He always knew you would do important things. He believed in you and he was right.
I think the best way to move forward is to honor Chris's memory. To try to be that good that he saw in us every day. We must hold on to our good memories of Chris, even though I kind of sort of want to cry a lot somedays. Next year, I'm figuring out a way not to have to participate in any Starfleet sanctioned Memorial events. This is going to all be awful, but I'm a big damn girl. So, I will do what I must.
Don't worry about me because again I'll get through it. Focus on baby D's party and spending time with your mom and brother. (I really hope the fact that you're getting closer to Yorktown means you will get this message sooner.) Winona is really looking forward to this visit. She misses you a lot. I think it will be good to see you in all your Starfleet co-captain glory.
She's doing good here in San Francisco. Honestly, this is the best I've seen her in years. I think it helps that she is close to Kevin, but also away from the ghosts of Iowa. Here in San Francisco, I feel like she can focus on her own recovery and that's been happening. Now she's looking for other things to fill her days.
We've been talking a lot, especially with a certain anniversary coming up soon about starting an actual support group for Starfleet widows. We've been calling ourselves the Starfleet Widows Club for a while, but after some conversations that I've been having with Ben, Winona, and Chen, I feel like there needs to be an actual support group. Even though we've all become members of this club for several reasons, there's still this sisterhood among us and other people need that as well.
No, Jim, I'm not going to try to come up with a gender-neutral term for that. Get over it. Those three understand more of what I'm feeling, then pretty much any of my other friends and I feel like other people need that as well. If I'm going to be a leader in this organization, I might as well do something useful. Maybe that's what I'll try to focus on over these next few days. It's more productive than crying right?
I feel like I'm making it up as I go along, but I'll find my own path.
Anyway, send me pictures of the party and of anything else fun you do. I expect a full report.
Xxxx
From: SuluHG2260
To: Benjamin_2254
Subject: Re: So good news, the judge took my side.
Time sent: 06/02/2260 05:45:01
Okay, we are going to be spending a lot of time just de-stressing you as well as celebrating. I wonder if I can arrange for a massage? I think the station is pretty bare-bones right now, but I will make sure you have a good day. Thank you for arranging for the babysitters ahead of time. We will take advantage of that at night, at least. I do want to spend some time with the girls, but you need me to.
I am still sorry about the in-laws. Is it mean for me to say I think you're going to get an upgrade this time around? I'm confident you are, but that may not be saying much. I'm just sorry that you must deal with all of this because you shouldn't need to. You guys should be mutually supporting each other. I'm sorry you don't have that.
So, we are only about a day out from Yorktown with a ship full of stuff and way too many people. For all I know I could beat this letter, but since you're on your way, maybe it won't. You might already be there. I'm glad you're coming, and I can't wait to spend time with you.
Love you and just keep positive thoughts. Everything I've heard about Shawn has pointed to the fact that he is a legal pit bull. You are in good hands.
xxxx
From: Spock's_cuddlebunny
To: Number_one_Pike
Time arrived: 06/02/2260 21:19:01
Subject: Re: I'm okay-ish
Okay now you have me digging for my collection for that song again. Honestly, I think we all are making it up as we go along. Grief is not linear. Margarita reiterated that point.
I think a spa day is a clever idea for you after the official Memorial dedication. Not such a great idea, but I think you'll do better than mom ever did. Please just stay away from the complimentary champagne. That was always Winona's undoing. That's also how I ended up meeting Admiral Barnett's wife as a baby before they were even together. She may have changed my diaper when Winona was way too wasted to do so.
I completely endorse the idea of the Starfleet's widow club/support group. I think it's a clever idea. If you get it off the ground, I will sponsor a chapter here, if I never become a member. Spock is mine forever and ever.
I'm also dreading the anniversary as we get closer. I never had a dad until Chris. Winona did her best, but she was already an alcoholic before Tarsus and then after losing Sam, I think Kevin is the only reason why she didn't succumb to alcohol poisoning long ago. So, support is good and I'm glad you have Chen and mom and even Sulu's boyfriend. You're right. Other people need that to. So, go forth and sponsor an actual organization.
Okay, I am willing to acknowledge that maybe I am planning a birthday party for a one-year-old to totally distract myself from what that day really means as well as the fact only a few days later will be the only anniversary of my death. Yes, I am totally screwed up. I am very aware of that.
I almost died a year ago. That's something that I'm still trying to process. There's a lot of guilt tied up with the fact that I'm still here and other people I love are not. That's something that I'm going to probably be processing for a long time. Margarita and Spock are trying to help me deal, but I'm still asking myself the questions. Why am I the one still here? Why wasn't I on Tarsus? Why was Chris the target? Why was Admiral Marcus so hell bent on war with the Klingons? Why was I his target? Those questions I ask myself repeatedly and I don't know the answer of why and I don't think I'll ever know the answer to why. Is there an answer? I'm not sure.
Margarita says self-care is important. This is probably why she's arranged for me to have sessions while she's technically on vacation. I have one the day after the birthday party and one on my survivor day. That's how she wants me to think of it. She's a good therapist. We need like three more.
Really between Vulcan and San Francisco, I think half my crew has PTSD. Okay, maybe more support groups. It's an option. I'll talk to snookums about it, but not during sex because apparently, I'm not supposed to talk about important things when one of us is in the other. Although, if we don't talk about important things during sex, then we will never have sex because this job is exhausting and really a 24-hour affair. Being married to your boss is just hard. Although, being married to your subordinate was also hard, although technically that never happened because I was "demoted" before the wedding. This is also confusing.
Anyway, I know you're going to get this after the party, but I promise I will send you pictures and video. I'm looking forward to spending time with my little niece. She's so cute. Babies make everything less awkward. I hope so anyway.
To be continued