Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all great and keep me happy in writing.

Today is a distressing day for Jim in a string of bad days.

Day 104: Requiem for a Fallen Father Figure

Hey Chris:

It has been exactly 365 days since the grand fuck up conspiracy of the Federation that resulted in us losing you. I understand it really was a conspiracy to install certain people into the higher echelons of Starfleet. I'm still pissed off that I didn't see it. That I didn't see that a wolf was installed on my ship. I'm still angry about that.

Of course, nobody was planning on shore leave hookups and idiotic boyfriends accidentally picking up fertility lube resulting in babies Sulu keeping grandma from being there, but the universe works in mysterious ways sometimes. At least Chen is competent and not evil. Kevin says she makes the best cookies. I don't know when the Admiral has time to make cookies, but apparently, they're excellent. I was supposed to receive a container of them, but they ate them on the way here because Kevin has not worked through all his food issues.

Before I get into the self-flagellation portion of this letter, I should probably give you an update on how life is going. Things are good aboard the USS Enterprise. The worst thing that has happened in the last six months has been me having to watch Spock be sexually harassed by diplomats that we couldn't punch out. Although, I did write a scathing report about how we should value the cultures of others, but harassment should not count as a cultural value. I wonder how that is going to go over with the brass. I think Chen has got out most of the assholes, but you never know.

Although no death or almost death by allergic reaction, I did get stranded on a planet for five days, but that wasn't too horrible. We had food, a deck of cards, and I could at least talk to Spock through the bond. Good news, we can communicate with each other when we are physically miles and miles apart. This could come in handy during emergencies and I feel like we're going to have more. Yes, I had to listen to the sex sounds of my navigator and his special friend for a good portion of it, but it could've been worse.

Otherwise, things are good. I have the best husband in the world. I'm sad we didn't get stranded on a planet together for five days, but it's okay. Spock fed me breakfast in bed this morning. French toast and bacon and you know how he feels about me eating bacon. Yet he brought it to me. He's just the best. He even looks hot as hell in command gold. He is still the hottest walking sex and I am so glad I put a ring on it. 11 months and he is still here. Sometimes, I'm afraid this is all a dream.

I wonder how you would feel about my decision to take a step back and spend some time as Spock's first officer. Would you be disappointed in me? I hear lots of gossip and Spock hears more because Vulcan hearing is evil like that. A lot of people are talking shit about what happened. Apparently, I'm a reckless alcoholic just like mom and that's why I lost my job and the only reason why I'm still in Starfleet at all is because they feel sorry for my husband. So not much has changed since the rumors about me fucking my way into and through the Academy.

You know I don't give a fuck about them. Okay, I do, or at least Margarita says that I do, but not many fucks. I always cared about what you thought of me though. You were one of the few. Sometimes I wake up at night wondering if you would be disappointed in me for now being subordinate to my husband. I mean, you never took a step back so Nhi could have the reins, but I did. I never saw that as a step back because Spock and I are a team. We make decisions together. We plan together. That's what we're good at. It's just now, Spock has veto power. I felt it was necessary to give him that power after some of the spectacularly bad choices I made one year ago tomorrow.

According to Margarita, never make life altering choices when you're grieving. Apparently, that includes going after the guy who killed your father figure. It's very easy to fall into the villain trap when you're emotionally distraught. Margarita is wise.

She is one of the many great crew members that Spock and I managed together. We really do share one of the best crews in the galaxy. All smart and capable. Well most of them. We still have a gossip problem, but hey at least nobody has misused their medical privileges and drugged somebody with fertility medication because she is a jealous hateful person. Okay, we had a lot of wolfs in the henhouse last time around. This is how I learned the importance of vetting my own crew completely.

Our main team are the greatest. Bones has really whipped the med team into shape as well as weeded out some of the evil people. I think it helps that his daughter now lives with him and Nyota. She is balancing newfound parenthood and being chief communications officer. I like having Jo Jo on ship. I don't like some of the others on ship, mostly Jeremy, but they're growing on me. Except Jeremy he's awful.

Sulu is also stepping up. So, Starfleet doesn't completely trust us because they think we're more loyal to each other than Starfleet and that is true. So, some first officer functions have been transferred to him and he's doing them admirably. To make up for that fact, I may have planned his daughter's first birthday party yesterday. Partially, because I wanted to stay busy and distracted from today. The other part is to make up for having to be a real first officer. We can't be easy. OK, it's probably a small miracle that he hasn't put in transfer papers yet.

The party went great, except Liz accidentally got the adult piñata because some asshole mixed up the labels. Although, Jo Jo knows that there were condoms and penis suckers inside, the two babies don't. Thank the universe.

I guess I need to stop rambling and get to the hard part. I miss you. Yes, as I said things are good, but I feel like it would've been better if you were here. There are so many times I would have liked to ask you for advice about how to deal with being married to someone you work with or dealing with an emotionally suppressed spouse. I feel like you probably would've had good advice. But I can't and that breaks my heart. I've got through it with Spock, Suarez, your wife, and Dr. Margarita, but I still wish I had you.

I think there still a certain amount of survivor's guilt, anger, and frustration all tied into each other regarding your death that I am still trying to process. I wasn't a participant in the conspiracy, but I didn't see what was going on in my own ship. Maybe I was too unexperienced.

My guilt isn't just about you. Dr. Weston ended up with another child because of the Vengeance crashing into San Francisco, only a year after losing most of her extended family. Nyota most likely miscarried because I sent her into a fight with the Klingons because I couldn't process your death like a fucking adult and I went on a roaring rampage of rage.

Maybe she would've lost the baby anyway but I'm sure what happened didn't help things. She's been dealing with a lot over the last year. Even her parents got divorced, although they were never on the best terms. Things have improved with her and her mother slightly. Yes, Nyota now has Jo Jo but I think she still misses the baby and there is that pesky guilt again. I'm sure practically living at the hospital when Spock and I were in a coma did not help things. So yes, I'm going to blame myself. Margarita says this is what I do.

Rationally, I know you died because of the conspiracy. But inside I feel like it's my fault. I know Spock felt somewhat similar with Amanda. In his mind he believes that if he just got off the planet a little faster or if the transporter room equipment was just a little better than maybe Amanda would still be with us.

So, I played that game a lot today. If I wasn't so emotionally attached to Dr. Suarez, then evil Dr. Cruise would not have been assigned to our ship, then Spock and I totally would've lied about violating the prime directive and we would have gotten away with it without being planet side. Of course, the prevailing theory now is that a certain volcano went off because it was triggered with an outside chemical so that means that somebody was already violating the Prime Directive, but our violation was not evil. It was fixing a previous violation, maybe.

If I chose Dr. Margarita Cruz instead of the other Cruz, we probably wouldn't have been set up to fall. Maybe if I realized what was going on sooner, we could've stopped it from snowballing. Maybe if I pushed you down faster or did anything different that night, then you would still be alive.

But you can't change the past. At best you can create a whole brand-new timeline with the help of you know what. But somewhere in the multi-verse, the consequences of your choices will keep going forward. Also, the new timeline may end up worse. Although hey, I'm married to Spock early this time around.

I wish you were not dead. I wish this was a universe where you survived to see me walk down the aisle and you and the wife eventually gave me a bunch of siblings. I know she was on fertility treatments when you left us behind.

Some days, I'm sad and some days I'm angry. OK most of the time I'm angry. I am also regretful and furious. But that's okay because grief is not linear.

I can't keep focusing on those negative thoughts because that wouldn't honor your memory. I'm trying. I'm really trying to do that with everything I do. I don't know how, but I'm working on it.

OK, I must go because apparently one of the Ashleys just found out that her crush is sleeping with her guardian and getting violent. My job is just weird right now. I'll try to write you again. Maybe around your birthday.

To be continued