Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You were all wonderful.

Today is another sad day for Spock. It's the one-year anniversary of Jim's temporary death.

Day 108: Think of It as a Beginning

From: Number_one_Pike

To: Jim's_cuddlebear

Time arrived: 06/09/2260 00:00:01

Subject: I just thought I would check in

I know I've been writing your husband a lot, but I feel like I need to write you as well especially because of what's coming up. I hope this email gets to you before the anniversary, but you never know with the Starfleet email servers. Although, even if you get this afterwards, I'm sure it will still help.

Losing the love of your life is one of the hardest things in the world, and last year you had to watch. I'm sorry about that. The only good thing was he came back to you. I wasn't as lucky. But I'm not bitter about that.

I don't begrudge you that either because I love Jim too. Even though he is less than 15 years younger than me, I do see him as the child that I always wanted to have, but never have enough time to. (I could still eventually. Chris was practical that way.) But Jim will always be my first born. So, I don't think I could've dealt with losing both in a week. It would've destroyed me.

Oddly enough, Jim being in the hospital for that week actually gave me something I could focus my energy on outside of my grief. Especially, when I found out that my husband's death was part of some great conspiracy to start war with the Klingons and install an asshole. Now that I am bitter about and I don't think that's ever going to go away.

Although the security footage of you beating the shit out of the person who killed both our husbands does ease it sometimes. At least his blood brought your's back.

Again I'm grateful, but the damage has been done. The pain is still there and it doesn't always go away. And mixed in with all of that is the fear that maybe next time you won't be anywhere near as lucky. I know that feeling way too well. Do you have any idea how many times I almost lost Chris before I actually did? I'm not even sure. I stopped counting after 10.

You and I are the logical ones to their brash recklessness. We are the balance. We keep things logical and reasonable. It's who we are. We're kindred spirits, you and I. Nobody understands that just because we're logical doesn't mean we're not afraid. It doesn't mean that we're still not trying to process. But we are.

However, we don't need to do this alone. If you need someone to talk to you, you know that I will be here. You're not alone. In any of it.

Dear Spock Bear:

OK, by the fact that you held on to me for dear life and made it almost impossible for me to get up to the bathroom tells me that this is going to be a distressing day for both of us. Remember, I am still here and I'm glad I'm still here. And I'm sorry again that I brought up the fact that the file exists of that moment.

There are days when I feel guilty about the fact that I'm still here while others like Sam and Chris are gone. I wonder why I'm still here, but they are not. What makes me so special? It's a process that repeats itself a lot. Margarita said that I shouldn't let the guilt overwhelm me. I should revel in the happiness that I'm still around to have a life with you. That I should treasure this time.

And yes, I'm going to treasure every kiss and every minute I have with you. I'm happy that we got to have our life together. I'm looking forward to the wedding anniversary. I'm even treasuring the fact that I've lived long enough to have ridiculously uncomfortable dinners with my brother and his girlfriend as well as their temporary child and my mom. I'm very glad I lived long enough to see Liz and Kevin get their shit together. Part of me didn't even think that was ever going to happen. They were like worse than us.

I'm even happy that I got to see mom totally freak out on Kevin because she was convinced he got Liz pregnant. Good news, she doesn't believe that anymore. It only took Ben scanning her two more times. OK and the fact that Liz is over the virus and no longer throwing up is helping. Although, I think half the crew has got it because maybe Bones is right about Starfleet being a disease encrusted petri dish. I'm even happy that I've gotten to see the formation of Bones' new little family. If I had died last year, I wouldn't have any of that and that would've been horrible.

I know sometimes I feel like this is all a dream. That I never did make it out of the warp core. I know that is your biggest fear. It's mine too. I know we both keep making Sulu do everything related to that part of engineering because we have issues. There's a reason why I will probably be going to spend most of the day with Margarita in a mandated therapy session. Why do I have a feeling you have one too? It's probably for the best. OK now I'm going to surprise you in the shower because you deserve shower fun time and at least this bathroom, we don't have to share with Sulu.

Love always, your cuddle bunny.

I hope to enjoy the fact that we are not sharing a bathroom with someone else and engage in various sexual activities together. I am starting to enjoy the concept of a water bath when you are involved. I am grateful that we have the time to explore such activities together.

I am trying to focus on the fact that you are still with me. I am grateful and hopeful that we will have a lifetime together. You are precious to me.

Despite it being illogical, I still have nightmares about the last year just being a dream. Which is why I need to leave in 6.8 minutes for my own session with Dr. Margarita. In your own session with her, I suggest that you discuss with her your irrational feelings and guilt related to your own survival. I have no regrets regarding your survival. I will always be grateful that you're here.

From: Jim's_cuddlebear

To: Number_one_Pike

Time sent: 06/09/2260 22:43:32

Subject: Re: I just thought I would check in

I do realize how fortunate I am that James is still with us. The loss of my mother is something that I am still dealing with more than two years later. Losing James on top of that would have been cataclysmic. He was the one who helped me through it and without him, I don't know if I would have survived. At least not without resorting to purging myself of all emotion. I doubt either Dr. Suarez or Dr. Margarita Cruz would see that as a practical coping mechanism.

Thank you for reaching out, even though you are still dealing with the anniversary of your husband's loss. Even though we are logical, we still have trouble processing our emotions. It is all a work in progress. I'm grateful to have someone else to reach out to if needed. I am not necessarily coping adequately, but I'm functional. I'm hoping that now that the actual anniversary has passed, I don't dream of James dying.

Since you took this moment to write to me on the anniversary of James death and resurrection, I feel as if I should pass some words of comfort to you. I melded with Chris as he passed. His last moments were spent thinking of you. If he was the love of your life, you were the love of his. He regretted dying because he would not get to create a family with you, but he wanted to find love and happiness again. He also had visions of you carrying a small child. That was his final thought. I know it is of small comfort to know this, but he really loved you.

I saw his regrets. I feel like the best way to honor the fact that James came back to me is to make sure I have none of my own. I am uncertain how to go about that, but I will try.

If you need someone to talk to, I am available as well.

To be continued.