Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. So today is the one-year anniversary of Nyota's miscarriage in this universe. We have a lot of anniversaries related to bad events in the lives of our characters in the story. Such is life.

Warning: grab tissues

Day 122: Making Peace with What We Can't Change.

From: Number_one_Pike

To: Jim's_cuddlebear

Time arrived: 06/23/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Re: I just thought I would check in

Thank you, Spock, for letting me know about my husband's final thoughts. I don't know if Jim shared it with you, but I was in the elevator coming up to join you guys when the attacks happened. I wanted to run in there and say my goodbyes to Chris, but Rodriguez wouldn't let me go in there. She just knew that I couldn't see him like that. Seeing him later that night completely cleaned up in Starfleet medical was bad enough. Seeing him so lifeless hurt my heart. Chris was always the most vibrant person in the room.

But knowing that Chris's final thoughts were of me and he creating a family gives me peace. It also gives me the strength to move forward and move closer to making his final dreams a reality. I spent this last year working on fixing Starfleet to make sure that what happened to Chris doesn't happen to anybody else. I think I stayed busy, so I don't have to think about the loss, but eventually you do have to deal with it.

So this year my goal is to really process things and start moving forward. I know what I want to do. Christine thinks I'm crazy, but even though we look the same age I have to remind her that I am the adult and get to make my own choices. Of course maybe she thinks I'm crazy to do what I'm planning to do because of my age, but I'm not that old. Or maybe she thinks I'm crazy because I'm planning to do it on my own. Okay, I'm wondering that too, but I feel like I need to do this.

I've been thinking about it for a while, but you kind of gave me that last push I needed. So thank you for that. This also means I'm definitely taking the job in London. I was hoping to wait until I heard back from Jim about that, but I must make the decision faster than the Starfleet email system.

So how is everything going with you guys? Also, happy anniversary. I already sent Jim your anniversary present. Please keep him from telling me what you guys do with it. I definitely prefer not to know.

From: Jim's_cuddlebear

To: Number_one_Pike

Time arrived: 06/23/2260 06:15:01

Subject: Re: I just thought I would check in

I am glad I could provide you with some comfort as well as help you decide on a new course of action. Also I think London may be a good place for you and James agreed with me. Of course, you will probably already be aware of that since mother's will most likely arrive before mine. Despite still being on Earth, it would be a change of scenery that may help with moving forward.

I feel my dad has taken a similar path at first after Amanda's death. Considering the catastrophic destruction of old Vulcan, it made sense for him to focus on the needs of rebuilding. But now that things have become more settled, he has decided to become a foster parent again. We spoke while I was at Yorktown and he expects to have a child in his care within the next month. He considered having more genetic children, but at this time felt it was more advantageous to nurture the surviving children before creating more simply for the sake of the species. Not everybody agrees with him, but my father is used to that.

However, I don't say this to discourage you from your decision. If you wish to have a child via the sperm saved from your deceased husband that is your decision to make and only your decision. However, James and I will support you in any way feasible.

Thank you for the anniversary present. As requested, I will not tell you what James decided to purchase with the gift card. I am currently engaging in a first contact, that is thankfully going very well. However, we are both concerned with the red light district carrying products with our name and likeness attached. The existence of a sexual aid in the likeness of Vulcan genitalia bearing my name is offensive and I would like for it to cease. If Starfleet is not engaging in litigation against the company, I will secure my own legal counsel.

Dear baby:

I thought I would be done with these therapy letters and journals after Dr. Margarita took over, but no. Apparently, she also finds this technique very useful and encourages everyone to keep writing in their journals.

Your big sister is on her third journal. I have no idea what she writes and I am completely banned from reading them. Jim said he would transfer me to another ship if I violate anybody's privacy again and I think he means it. Although, I'm 99% sure she has a crush on Checkov without reading her innermost thoughts. She stares at him a little too much and was very unhappy when she found out he had a girlfriend. I would totally find this weird if it wasn't for the fact that her grandfather just married someone younger than me. Okay and her dad is more than a decade older than me. I feel like a long conversation about age appropriateness and grooming will need to be had at some point in the future.

So today it's been exactly one year since I found out that you existed only to find out you were already gone. I'm still sad about that. My heart still hurts. I'm not blaming myself anymore for what happened. I am blaming a certain ex Starfleet nurse who is still in prison for drugging me with fertility medication. But I'm dealing with it.

Some days I imagine what it would have been like for you to be with me right now. We would totally be kicking it at Yorktown presently because even though Enterprise allows preteens and teenagers, babies would be a little too much. I recently spent a week with Sulu's daughter and future stepdaughter at the space station. They are the cutest and they had so much fun together on the station. It seems like a good place to raise a baby and still be part of Starfleet.

I had a dream last night about you playing with the two of them. Part of me wished that was real, but it just wasn't meant to be and I accept that, but that doesn't mean part of me isn't hurt because it is.

However just because you're not here doesn't mean I'm not a mother because I am. I have Josephine and she is perfect. Again, I'm pretty sure she has a crush on a 19-year-old, but I can deal with that, especially because said 19-year-old knows that I would totally cut off his privates if he did anything inappropriate. However, I definitely prefer the 19-year-old over Jeremy again because the 19-year-old knows better. I seriously want his mom transferred to Delta Vega.

I even had a Mother's Day brunch this year. The pancakes were slightly burnt, but it was good. I also got presents.

I don't care that much about biology. While on Yorktown, I observed Sulu treat his boyfriend's daughter just like his own daughter. Kevin is equally doted on by Jim and Winona. Actually, Jim says it's worse now that Winona is sober. I personally think it was because they were coming up on Jim's death day, but I'm keeping those thoughts to myself.

That doesn't mean I don't miss you and I wish you were here. Because I do, but I'm just making peace with how things are. You can't change the past. Not without red matter anyway and things just go badly in the interim. Last time that stuff was brought out, Vulcan was destroyed. Let's not repeat that.

Anyway, hugs and kisses, love, mommy

To be continued