Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all so wonderful.

So today is the one-year anniversary of Josephine losing her mom. This is going to be another one of those days. We begin with a diary entry.

Also note to self when changing the name of the character, remember to write it down, especially when you can't spell very well. I've gone back through some of the older chapters and made some corrections, but I probably haven't caught everything.

Excerpts from the therapy Journal of Josephine Jamie Uhura-McCoy

July 14, 2260

So today is that day. I've been dreading it for weeks. I can't even look at the Ray I got at Disneyland last year. I only still have it because mommy Nyota got it out of the trash after my initial tantrum. I cried and broke a lot of stuff. Then I went numb and stayed there for several weeks. I'm not even going to try to address this to the other mom because I'm not ready to write to her on this day. Not yet.

I feel like that numbness is back with the guilt. I'm happy here with dad and mommy Nyota. I have friends. Jay and Ashley 2 are firmly in the friend category. Ashley 3 may get there. Ashley 1 is just not antagonistic, but she is on our side in the war against Jeremy. I think Uncle Jim is so ready to get him off the ship after he tried to molest Ashley 2.

Ashley responded accordingly by breaking his hand. Dad decided that his wrist can heal the old-fashioned way. He's still on house arrest while Uncle Jim builds his case. Apparently he's been inappropriate with the other Ashleys as well.

It's hard not to feel guilty about being happy on Enterprise because if mom didn't wrap her car around a tree one year ago today I wouldn't be here. I would still be miserable and in Georgia with her. She wasn't a good mom. I know that now. Margarita has been helping me work through that. I am now able to acknowledge that there were things going on that were not okay and I was in an abusive environment.

That doesn't make the guilt go away. I didn't want her to be dead. I just wanted to live with my dad. But I know that woman would not have ever allowed that to happen as long as she was alive. Grandpa Lee had too much control over the Georgia legal system. It was always about winning and appearances with him and his granddaughter going to the guy who got his daughter pregnant before the wedding would just not do. I was just another chess piece to all of them.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll end up living with him. Like he's going to try to fight dad again. Shawn told me that it couldn't happen, that too many people know what grandpa did because in the end mom made sure that they did. That she was just another victim of him. That realization just makes everything so much more complicated.

I guess this is something to talk about with Margarita again. I have a session before class. She's providing breakfast because that's the only way I could squeeze a session in before class.

It couldn't happen after class because I have Russian lessons with Pav. Part of me wants to cancel since it's going to be the first session after our conversation, but I need distractions today and being dreadfully embarrassed seems like a great distraction.

So Pav knows about my crush on him and he let me down ridiculously gently. He thinks I'm cool for an almost 12-year-old (because of course like everybody else, he's not rounding up my birthday). However, he sees me as his little sister. Regardless of that, the age difference between 12 and 19 is a little bit of a felony. I'm well aware of the age difference inappropriateness. My grandfather just married someone closer in age to me then my deceased mother. However, I pointed out the difference between 19 and 26 is not, and he just broke up with somebody who was in her mid-30s.

I probably shouldn't have said that. He's still not good with the breakup, I think he really had feelings for Perez, but agreed to end things because it was best for Ashley three.

He knows about that crush too. He's a genius. Of course, he realized what was going on. Ashley 3 was not subtle, but I wonder if she got that I think of you as my little sister's speech as well. The added kicker was he's sure he's going to fill exactly that same way in seven years. I got that speech, and I couldn't leave the room fast enough. Yet I'm still going to go to Russian tutoring because it's still better than dealing with thoughts about my dead mom.

I have to cut this short. Mommy Nyota is calling. Off to therapy I go. This should be fun. Margarita promised chocolate croissants.

Xxxx

Hey Josephine:

This is Liz and Kevin. Although I'm the one writing, because unlike Kevin, my handwriting is actually legible. All those years of being a waitress, inputting orders written by hand with a stylus has paid off. Also, Desi is being extra active right now and doesn't want to play on the floor, therefore keeping Kevin's hands occupied.

We thought about making sure you got an email the day of the anniversary, but the Enterprise email system is awful. Instead we gave your first anniversary survival kit to Pav. He promised to give it to you during your Russian lesson the day of.

We start with the entire box of good chocolate, individually wrapped so you can share. We also have chocolate covered Oreos, the good ones, not the fudge covered. Moose Munch without the almonds. San Francisco's best chocolate sampler because you need more chocolate. Flaming hot Cheetos along with regular Cheetos. Also a replicator chip to make you more Cheetos along with some other selections. Take it to Scotty or Jim and they will help you install.

Kevin has also included his "music to cry by" playlist. It's on one of the other data chips. There's like 800 songs on that thing. Start with post traumatic. I hope you made it to the "Can't Hear You Now" phase of your grief cycle. There's also more art supplies. I'm sure you're going to need it today. Also, Sulu said he could take you to the gym if you really need to kick or punch something. Pav volunteered to be your practice dummy, if necessary.

BTW, he kind of knows about the crush. He saw your devastated face at lunch yesterday when he walked in with the girlfriend. I don't think that relationship is going to last much longer especially because he also realizes that his girlfriend's niece also has a crush on him and she is ridiculously unhappy about him being with her aunt. Also I just want to say it's so weird that me and Kevin are older than him. He's already on a ship and we are still at the Academy. Then again, Kevin and I have buried our families so maybe that really does make us older. It's a special type of old.

I'm sorry that you're a club member. So here are my annual reminders that Kevin and I tell each other each year:

1. You are not responsible for the death of your loved one, whether directly or indirectly. As much as you want to try to convince yourself. Otherwise you could not have changed the way things went.

2. Don't play the what-if game. Just don't because at a certain point, it's just going to eat you apart from the inside.

3. Live in the now. Enjoy what you have and treasure it.

4. Don't feel guilty for being happy. Let me repeat that, don't feel guilty for being happy. Don't feel guilty because you like living with your father and Nyota mom. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

5. It's okay to like your life better now than what it was last year. There's nothing wrong with that.

6. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to smile. It's okay to laugh.

7. It's also okay not to be happy. You can cry, punch things, or anything else that helps you deal with it. How you feel is up to you. Don't let anybody else tell you how you're supposed to feel. Your emotions are valid.

8. There is no time limit on grief. There's no exact moment in time where you're going to feel better or that you've successfully processed everything. It doesn't work that way. I wish I could tell you that someday it's not going to hurt because there are days when I see a daisy on the street and just burst into tears. I broke the PADD during class when we were going over the Tarsus unit. Okay, one of my classmates suggested that Starfleet made the wrong call in rescuing us, and I threw my PADD at him. My mom had to go fix that. The asshole classmate felt horrible afterwards, but it still didn't make things better.

9. You can forgive the dead. That's for you to help you move forward.

10. You don't have to forgive the dead. You can still be angry. It's better if you process that anger but remember what I said about number 7. They are your feelings. Don't let anybody else tell you how to feel.

11. You don't have to go through this alone. You have your dad and your Nyota mom. You also have your Uncle Jim and Spock along with others on ship like Pav who is making sure you get through this. They've all dealt with loss even Pav. Someday ask him about his little sister, but, bring tissue.

Anyway, it took me and Kevin more than a decade to come up with this list and we're not always good at following it, but I hope you find it useful. Remember, we're always here for you.

Xxxx

From: kitten_loverJJMU

To: Kevin KR; Elizabeth_Chen

Time sent: 7/14/2260 21:57:01

Subject: thank you for the survival kit

Hey, I just wanted to send a quick note to let you know I did get the survival kit. I didn't get to break into the food part of it because after Russian practice, I had brownie baking with Ashley 2 and 3, along with Jay. Bonus points for nobody mentioning my biological mom or making inappropriate jokes.

Even better, Jeremy wasn't there. I'm pretty sure his mom will be transferring off ship soon, and he will be going to boarding school. Apparently, Uncle Jim and Uncle Spock have been doing deep space chat with the Admiralty. I'm pretty sure Jeremy will be gone soon. The possibility alone almost makes me happy.

I'll ask Pav about his sister eventually. Congratulations, you did call the end of that relationship correctly. I just am not ready to talk to him about anything outside of Russian lessons for a little bit. He sees me as his little sister and I get that. Way too young, right now. Uncle Jim says I shouldn't worry about romantic relationships until I hit my mid-20s. He also says that friendship is more important and I think I get that. It feels good having friends or at least starting to build friends.

I mean on ship. Both you and Kevin are my friends and I don't think I would've gotten through this year without either of you. Okay and now I'm kind of crying so I'm going to end this email and have a chocolate Oreo. Margarita says not to eat my emotions, but whatever. I have fencing tomorrow. I'm going to pretend the practice dummy is Jeremy.

To be continued