Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all lovely.

Day 205: I hate my job and I want ice cream cake

From: Mommy_Susan

To: SuluHG2260

Time arrived: 9/15/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Re: Still not getting better.

I am not surprised about the ice cream cake. I've also heard that our baby girl has graduated on to wallowing in the mud. I got a video file. She's even talking in short sentences. I hate being so far away that I'm missing all of this. Why did I want to come back and spend a year on the Hamilton away from my kid?

Regardless, I want to hear all about your adventures on X4Z3. I'm so jealous. Why did I decide to go with a diplomat ship? Also, I know Kevin won't apply here because of avoiding nepotism even though the Hamilton would be a good place for him to be as soon as we get a good captain. I really hate my captain.

My substitute is leaving us during the switch out. Praise the universe. I don't know where. I'm hoping it's to the Academy for extra sexual harassment training, but knowing our luck, it will probably be Enterprise. I'm pretty sure my Admiral hates me because he is pissed about my mom getting the top job over him. You know a lot of people were furious about that, but they had to make sure the new person in charge wasn't part of Marcus's inner circle, and that is my mom. She is so far removed, it's ridiculous.

I've read the classified Deneva brief, and I feel like I want to give Jim a hug. I never met Sam, but I respect the man greatly for making sure my little sister stayed alive long enough for her to become my sister. I know that was all him and Winona. At the same time, I'm sad that Peter will never get to know what type of man he was.

I'm also sad that Peter lost another parent. I wasn't that much older than him when my dad died, and it sucks. It was a routine mission that just all went to hell. I cried so much. At first, I was just numb, but eventually, it all came apart. Honestly, I don't think I really processed it until years later when I became a big sister and had to deal with this young girl who lost her mom, dad, and baby sister. Not just that, but watched her family be murdered and tortured and worse. So much worse. Tarsus was a shit show. The Federation fucked up so much. I hope we do nothing that bad ever again.

I'm pleased Jim could step up and take care of Peter. More importantly, I'm glad that Starfleet is letting him. They owe Peter so much because of what Sam did, but also because of Jim. The Vengeance incident could've been so much worse. We could be at war with the Klingons right now.

Sometimes I think we might be halfway there still because of the warmongering. Lots of planets don't trust us. Which is kind of giving me a headache. Apologies for warmongering don't always go over so well. The fact that we didn't know what was going on doesn't ingratiate us even further. Do you know how many times I've been asked how we could have allowed Marcus to get as far as he did with no one having a fucking clue?

You know if Jim were not in Starfleet, he would have been on my take care of our baby girl list. You know, he raised Kevin. He also kept Liz from going totally off the rails. Now both are well-adjusted and able to take care of a child, even though I'm worried about what the new semester will bring. You know baby plus classes are going to be a disaster, but those two know how to deal with a disaster.

Yes, I thought about everything very carefully before making my final decision. Like you, I never want our daughter to become a member of the Starfleet orphans club. The moment I decided to have Desi, I thought about who would take care of her if I couldn't very carefully. Losing your parents at such a young age makes you consider those possibilities.

I saw what happened to Liz and Kevin after their parents died, and they were the lucky ones. There were others not so fortunate and ended up in the system. I'm afraid of that. Petrified really. Our jobs are not safe. Your Captain died last year. My mom barely escaped being assassinated because I went into labor early. Don't get me started on how scared I was going into labor prematurely. Yes, I have a lot to unpack.

The fact that your nieces also lost their biological mom doesn't make it easier. Yes, I know I should make an appointment with my ship's counselor, especially before she leaves us. I know Dr. Diaz is going to Enterprise. That way, her daughter doesn't have to stay in Starfleet boarding school. Really, it's good for everyone except for me because I'm going to have to break in a new therapist. I'm pouting.

I am so sorry you had to write that condolence letter to your own sister. That's something I never want to do. I think that's the other reason why I don't want Kevin on the Hamilton while I'm here. Although, I think I would be off the Hamilton by the time he would get here unless his advisor does not let him defer until summer 2261. You just know they would totally send him here in January or February just to fuck things up. And mom won't stop them because she doesn't want to abuse her authorities.

Letting you have a video conference with D is as much as she's willing to push. Okay, setting something up so the baby can see you at Christmas is the most she's going to do, but she's not pushing things too much. And well your captain is the son of an ambassador, so he might be doing some pushing on his end as well.

I'm happy that my old captain is now an admiral. I wish she oversaw my ship, but there are still too many people like my current admiral for me to think that change will happen. Mainly because I'm going to be taking the Yorktown assignment or at least trying to. A posting on Yorktown means less of a chance for promotion because yes, let's penalize the people who decide to have kids.

Yes, I'm as salty as a salted caramel swirl ice cream right now. I would love some of that by the way.

Anyway, give me more Enterprise gossip. We'll talk later. Miss you.

XXXX

From: MomOU

To: NyotaUM

Time arrived: 9/15/2260 00:00:01

Subject: I heard the minors on Enterprise program is doing well

Hey, I just wanted to touch base. I haven't heard from you since the Jeremy crisis. I'm glad your Captain let us talk for a couple of minutes. I always liked Spock. He's a good friend to you. I've heard from a reliable source that Jeremy is now settling in at quasi-military school. I'm sorry we couldn't prevent him from infiltrating the program. I know he was god-awful to everyone, especially Josephine. I'm sending extra presents to make up for that. Hopefully, you'll get them during the switch out.

However, I heard good things about the new teacher and Jeremy's replacement, Peter Kirk. The Admiral shows off pictures of all her grandkids. Apparently, she considers Peter a grandkid. Of course, we're betting on when Kevin and Liz will get married, so that makes sense.

I sent birthday presents for Jo Jo and you. I know October is a little early, but who knows when you're going to be near a Starbase again. And again, I feel like I need to get you something excellent to make up for the Jeremy fiasco.

I don't know how to really write these letters to you. We never really had a relationship, let alone a good one. We should have. Yes, I'm an admiral right now, but at what cost? I don't even know how to write a letter to my daughter, and I'm completely alone now. It doesn't help that your father is getting remarried. Did he tell you? I don't even know if you guys are in contact at all. I mean I could find out, but I don't want to invade your privacy like that. Also, I'm never talking to that man again without going through lawyers first.

I'm not sad about the wedding because I secretly want to get back together because I really don't. It's just lonely sometimes. Making new friends is difficult. The last time I had dinner with anybody was with the Chen-Kirk family. A part of me thinks that happened because I'm taking over for Barnett at Starfleet Academy and Kevin doesn't want to be forced to do his semester on ship when he has custody of his niece. They are an adorable little family.

Although your family is equally adorable. Thank you for at least sending me pictures regularly. I have several up in my office. Anyway, send more pictures when you get a chance.

Xxxxx

"My dad is getting remarried," Nyota told Spock as she sipped her tea. Even though her friend was now captain and she had a preteen, they tried to have tea at least once a week. This week, it helped that neither Spock nor Jim were going planet side. Peter wasn't ready for it after what happened last time. They were working with Margarita on it, but he probably wouldn't be ready until mid-October at the earliest, before one of them went planet side outside an emergency.

"Did he write to you?" Spock asked one eyebrow raised.

"No, mom did. I don't think I've heard from him since last summer and that was in an official Starfleet capacity."

"Are you upset about this?" Spock asked.

"No. I think that bridge has been burnt and the ashes sprinkled in the water." Nyota responded.

"The same could be said of my relationship with my own father, and yet we speak to each other at least once monthly, and he is constantly sending me pictures of my foster sister."

"Great use of ambassadorial loophole."

"I find my foster sister fascinating. Also, the colony is closer to our location then Earth presently. Besides, I did allow you to speak to your mother during the Jeremy crisis."

"And your father cares enough about you to abuse that ambassadorial loophole and apparently my mom is willing to use admiral loopholes. Your dad cares enough that after your mom's death that he was right there with you rebuilding that bridge, but you can't rebuild on your own. I just don't have the energy right now. I'm exhausted. I think he needs to make the first step." Nyota tells him.

"This is a wise course," Spock remarked as he sipped his tea.

"I have to be cautious. It's not just about me, it's also about Josephine. Considering how fucked up her grandfather is on her biological mom's side; I can't risk exposing her to someone equally toxic."

"Agreed."

"Besides, I nominate your dad as everybody's foster grandfather."

"Oddly enough, I think he would find that gratifying."

Xxxxx

From: NyotaUM

To: MomOU

Time sent: 9/15/2260 21:45:01

Subject: Re: I heard the minors on Enterprise program is doing well

I'm glad that you like the pictures. I've sent more from Josephine's recent birthday festivities and from fencing club. She really loves fencing.

No, I didn't know about dad getting remarried. We don't talk. I haven't heard from him since last summer, and that was a work thing. Honestly, I prefer the silence. I have nothing to say to him, not even angry words. I've moved past that.

It's different with you. You're at least trying, and I appreciate that. You may not have all the right things to say, but at least you're putting in an effort and that means a lot.

Making new friends is always hard. I had such a hard time with that. When I first got on Enterprise, I was still dealing with a lot of grief from losing Marc and Gaila. I was holding on to Spock for dear life but at the same time afraid to really let him in. I was so numb, and I was worried that I was going to lose him just as I lost Marc. Finding your best friend's body post suicide does some lasting damage. I've done things that I shouldn't have because of the fear of going through that again.

Thanks to therapy and the threat of getting reassigned if I keep reading things I shouldn't, I'm starting to connect with people again. I have a boyfriend and a wonderful daughter. I have a great friend in Sulu. We are going through our first-year parenting adventures together.

Also, I'm friends with Rebecca and Carol. More Rebecca then Carol. I'm sad they're going to be leaving the ship soon, but I know I'm going to stay in contact with the couple. I'm glad that they're going to London to help, Admiral Pike because obviously, Christine is not. I wonder how long I'm going to stay on speaking terms with Christine, but that's a whole another conversation. Jim and I have been talking, and she is not the person I thought she was.

I guess what I'm saying is make friends, good ones that won't screw you over or screw over the little brother of your other friends, literally. Of course, to do that, you have to get out there, which is always hard, but it can be done.

Maybe this Academy assignment will be useful for you. Being in San Francisco means that you can meet people outside of Starfleet. You could join a club or take up a sport. For example, Josephine has made most of her friends from fencing. Who knows who you can eventually meet?

Kevin and Liz are great people, and I am sure they invited you over because they want you there and not only to keep Kevin from a winter on ship. Although that might be a bonus.

Anyway, feel free to write back any time. Or just send pictures. It doesn't matter what you're saying. Just that you try at all is enough for me right now. Just keep reaching out.

XXXX

From: SuluHG2260

To: Mommy_Susan

Time sent: 9/15/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Re: Still not getting better.

You were contractually obligated to do another year on the Hamilton, and you didn't want to bring your mommy out to save you.

I can tell you all about this mission because we have about 10 more days to go before we leave for the crew switch out. Thankfully, we've been productive. The planet is very habitable for multiple species. Most of the vegetation is suitable for human consumption and no hallucinogenic side effects.

I've been running point on planet. Peter is not ready for his Guardian to be away from him right now. Jim's attempt to spend three days on planet blew up in everybody's faces. Understandable considering what happened to his mom.

I wonder if things would be different if Peter knew his uncles before losing his mom. He doesn't trust Jim or Spock. Not entirely, but then again, I don't know if Peter trusts anybody because of what happened. I'm not sure if I'm the best one to make these observations. Both of my parents are alive and still married which is a small miracle in my social circles.

I'm equally as scared about leaving Desi behind. K is already a Starfleet orphan. Her other dad was dead before she was even born. Yes, it turns out her aunt is her biological mom, but that doesn't change the trauma. What if she loses another dad?

A couple weeks ago Ben sent me an email joking about taking my last name and I want that. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and at the same time, I'm scared. Part of me wants to take that nice soft, cushy assignment at Yorktown, and part of me wants to keep going and become a captain. After talking to you and Nyota, I have a better idea of what that really means. Now I wonder if I can put my family through that. I don't know. Work-life balance is hard. Anyway, I need to get some sleep. I must be on planet bright and early tomorrow at 0700 hours. I'll talk to Spock to see if I can send you some pictures from the planet. It is breathtakingly beautiful.