Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are so fabulous.

I apologize for the four-week gap. So I knew that my fabulous Beta would be taking a break for a couple of months, and we planned accordingly. However, things went longer than initially planned. I have one more chapter left after this, and I probably will be waiting four more weeks before I post it. I do have nine new chapters ready to go when's proofreading returns to normal. But it might be a little while. I have a few stories that I only use an AI beta on that humans are better.

Day 268: Confessions

Xxxxx

From: W_Kirk_wellness_Hills

To: Spock's_cuddlebunny

Time arrived: 11/18/2260 00:00:01

Subject: You're good at this parenting thing

I feel like you probably don't believe that mostly because I was such a horrible one. However, from what I've seen so far, you're good. Peter seems so at ease with you and Spock. He appears to be doing well, all things considered. Peter seems almost happy. Which is a good sign for any kid that has gone through something as traumatic as losing a parent due to the invasion of a killer parasite. Children are always more resilient than adults.

I got Peter's letter a few days ago. He had so many questions about Sam, and I'm working on my reply. It's going to take a little while. I started on it twice and hated my response. Which is why I decided to reply to you instead.

I'm sure you know how hard it is to talk about Sam. You're not supposed to bury your kids. I've done it once and almost had to do it a second time because you're a fucking idiot, but you're almost death wasn't my fault. Sam's was.

If I hadn't taken him with me, then he would still be alive and would have gotten to see Peter grow up. But then if he wasn't there with me on Tarsus, Liz and Kevin could be dead. No parent wants to think about choosing between their kids ever. Kevin is my baby just as much as Sam, and you are.

At the same time, I think it might be useful for me to at least for once focus on the good memories instead of the end. I guess maybe I focus too much on that. Too much guilt and self-loathing are tied into Sam for me. This leads to drinking, and I'm trying not to do that. Sobriety is hard, but I'm trying. Probably harder than I ever had before.

Speaking of sobriety, I think you're right. Maybe I might have a better shot of staying sober in London. After many long video conferences with Kevin and Liz, we decided that I'm going back to San Francisco for a couple of weeks to get everything together. Then I am going to move to London permanently. I was already thinking about doing this before I got your letter, but I'm glad to have your support.

Ming is already working on the transfer. The engineering department here can use all the help they can get. Rebecca is a darling, but things are incredibly dysfunctional here in London. Also, I've discovered that I enjoy making things less dysfunctional, so I'm gonna keep doing it.

I thought about staying in San Francisco until Kevin was no longer the parent of a small child. Apparently, everybody agrees that keeping me sober is the number one priority. Ming said that she can help with baby D while Kevin is on the Discovery. With Kevin being in space, I think I would like to be closer to my best friend. I feel there lies the way to sobriety. Or at least a better way to keep it. Plus, Nhi is going to need all the help she can get.

Surprisingly enough, it's "cheaper" to get an apartment here than in San Francisco, which I find utterly bizarre, a non-Starfleet apartment anyway. I can work for the organization, but I'm not going to live there. That's a bridge too far. Although I might keep crashing with Nhi until I think she can handle taking care of two babies constantly in the middle of the night. That will probably be at least a year.

I talked to Shawn and the team. They're working on making sure that most of the "money" from selling the farm is going to Peter. They're also taking care of the family that only cares about us when "money" is involved. Universal income can get rid of hunger but not greed.

Although they can't stop the tell-all. Honestly, let them. The truth is out there, and if people want to believe lies, they can. Honestly, the truth is juicier. Maybe one day I should write a book. I have so many stories.

I found out about the sex toys the wrong way. I'm glad your new legal team is handling that. You never want to go into a toy shop and see your son's picture on a giant dildo. That's wrong on so many levels.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in December if I don't write you another letter before then. I am planning to bring all sorts of goodies. I'm also going to try to go through Arlene's storage unit in Iowa. Her lawyer contacted me a couple of days ago, the same day I got Peter's letter. It might be why my response took so long.

You know I hate will readings, but that girl was always smart and had everything written out. In the event of her death, I was supposed to find out everything and get possession of all her assets and property or rather oversee it in a trust for Peter. She sold the family farm in Riverside a long time ago, but there's a small house that's in her name. It's a rental property now. I think she chose me because I'm here on Earth and you're in space.

Although she always had you as a preferred guardian of Peter. Maybe she knew about the drinking problem, or perhaps she just knew that you would be the better parent. I don't know, but your name was there. Spock's name was there as well. Apparently, she updated it after the wedding. Again, that girl was anything but stupid.

I was the backup after Kevin (who was also on the list because apparently, she kept up with us after Tarsus). I think that is only because an alcoholic is preferable to murdering sociopaths rotting away in prison.

Those people were so awful. I can't believe they murdered their daughter. I mean, was I happy that you were marrying a guy who choked you, no. I wasn't going to kill you to keep the wedding from happening. Of course, this may have been me projecting some of my Frank issues on you.

I like to say that there were no signs before the wedding that he was abusive, but there were. He didn't actually hit me until after the wedding, but he was always putting me down. He controlled what I ate, who I talked to, and even what I wore. I thought he was being concerned in a good boyfriend sort of way, but after a long time in therapy, I realized those were the warning signs that I missed, and I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that I missed those signs. I didn't see the truth until it literally punched me in the face, and then it was too late because he was already hurting you.

I know you won't make the same mistakes I did. You're better than me in so many ways. I love you, and I miss you a lot. I'm sorry I wasn't a better mother.

XXXX

From: Spock' s_cuddlebunny

To: W_Kirk_wellness_Hills

Time sent: 11/18/2260 06:27:32

Subject: No, I'm not, but thanks for saying it

Part of me wants to ask why you were shopping for sex toys and came across the Jim Kirk version of the Pleasure Seeker 9000, but Spock said he would cut me off for a month if I asked that question. So, not asking. Also, deep down, I don't think I actually want to know.

I really wish you would've told me that you were not happy about me marrying Spock because you knew about the choking incident. I would've still married him anyway, but we could've talked about the circumstances, such as the fact that I really was antagonizing him on purpose. No, it wasn't the best decision on my part, but nothing like that has ever happened since. Spock has always been supportive and loving. We still have each other's back, no matter what.

I know the choking incident is something that worries you. Honestly, it bothered me too. I think that might've been why I kept thinking Spock was still with Nyota. It also may have been why I may have asked Nyota early on if everything was okay with the relationship and if he was treating her well. They were already broken up by that point, not that I knew, but I still investigated it because maybe Frank made me wary in that regard.

Let me say this, if I thought for a minute, Spock would be abusive, I would be out the door. I would be on the first shuttle out of here because I'm not going down that road. Been there, done that, and have the therapy bills to prove it.

However, I wish you would've talked to me about your concerns, but I understand why you didn't. Things are better with us now. We're talking to each other regularly. I know it's hard, but we're getting there.

I don't care that the stupid part of the family is writing a tell-all. Spock does. He might be conspiring with his dad. Shawn may not be able to do anything, but never fuck with the kid of an ambassador. Spock's family is super-wealthy, and unlike a lot of Vulcans of their station, they diversify their portfolios. So, when Vulcan blew up, they only lost about 5% of their wealth compared to most others. Granted, they're using much of it to rebuild their society on the colony.

I also got a copy of the will. It got here yesterday. Lawyers are supposed to be able to express stuff to Enterprise, but it didn't happen. Spock and I were already Peter's foster parents of record, but nice to know it wasn't just a deathbed choice. The fact that she added Spock was a nice touch. Although the fact that Kevin was on the list has me asking so many more questions.

Take your time answering the Sam questions. I get that it's hard because it's hard for me. If I went with you to Tarsus instead of Sam, things would have been different. Although I heard that the governor got away in the other timeline and started killing off the people who could identify him. So maybe things went the way they needed to this time around.

I've been trying to talk to Peter more about Sam, and it's been going okay. Not as much these last couple weeks because of the Hamilton situation. I'm sure you know by now that Sue went missing for two weeks, which brought all sorts of bad memories. I'm glad we found her. You have no idea how happy I am that we found Sue alive and not well, but in as good a shape as expected.

I think I was worried about having to tell Liz that Sue was dead. I dreaded it. She already lost Daisy, and she never fully recovered from that. Losing a sibling always takes a piece of you. I couldn't take another sister away from her. I know how much it hurts, too much, really. I'm glad we had the best outcome this time around. I'm sick of tragedy. There's been so much death, and I'm just exhausted on a profoundly spiritual level. I'm glad I didn't have to do another one of those emails.

Instead, I'm investigating another grand Starfleet conspiracy, but I think I like cleaning up the dysfunctional like you. It makes me feel useful. It's better to feel useful than useless. Too many times, I felt hopeless. At least there is something I can do this time around.

Anyway, we look forward to seeing you on New Vulcan in December.

PS: If you are going to look through Arlene's storage unit, can you see if there are any of Peter's toys that you can bring? Apparently, he had a ton of Legos, and a lot of it was in lockup. Ming loves her pseudo-grandkids, so I think you will be allowed to bring everything over here.

To be continued.

If you haven't realized it yet, I'm a little too cynical for a completely money-free society. So I am going with universal income instead.