Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all so wonderful. We are now getting to the response to the mommy on the edge letter. All of the rapid messages from the last section definitely got the sequence completely messed up. Now we're doing more Journal and same-day messages, which will probably mess it up more. There's a reason for my madness.

Day 294: You really need a hug and a glass of wine (not necessarily in that order)

From: Elizabeth_Chen

To: Mommy_Susan

time arrived: 12/12/2260 00:00:01

Subject: Can I hug you?

Seriously my main reaction after reading your letter is I just want to hug you. Ben had a similar reaction. Just so you know, I did let him read this. We cried a lot. That was a lot to read. But I'm glad we know exactly where your head was at in the aftermath.

At the time, I may have been upset because you did not write to us immediately, but now I understand why you weren't ready yet. You have a lot of anger to work through. I can understand needing to take a moment and collect yourself. I am glad you did write us eventually. We have talked several times, including me having to tell you that your baby's daddy's fiancé is a bit of an idiot. I adore Ben, but he is an idiot. He doesn't want you to be bothered by his trauma.

Have you got a rapid message from him yet? I hope you did. I really don't want my letter from a few days ago to be the first time you heard about the mess going on here. It really is a mess. Good news, the bastard is in jail again, and our lawyers are looking into how he keeps getting out. We think someone else is paying for it, but who and why is something we are still trying to figure out.

You should know I've read bits and pieces of your letter to Demora. The parts that told her how much you loved her and how much you missed her. I also included a few of the parts when you were scared. But I didn't read her everything even though Kevin thought it would be OK. Winona agrees with me because she knows that Jim picked up on her negative energy and depression those first few years after George died. We don't want the baby to pick up on all of that. She has enough with her BFF and future step sister having a grandpa who tried to kill her. Nothing happened, but still, there's trauma.

Winona is here in San Francisco and has been for a couple of days. She needed to pack up her life and move it to London permanently. To do that, we had to go through a bunch of storage lockers. I have some goodies I'm bringing. We also had to do some paperwork regarding Peter. His mother was thorough.

The other reason is we all want to leave from the same port. We ship out tomorrow. We're leaving a few days earlier because of the mess with Ben's former father-in-law. Mom thinks it's safer if we are off-planet, and I agree with her. I think she's going to try to recruit Zoe.

At the same time, the letter is going into the book of letters. Basically, it's a scrapbook I'm making for Demora regarding her mommy and daddy's service. When she's older, Demora can look back at it, hopefully with you and Sulu there to read it with her. That way, she has a better idea of what you were doing when you weren't with her. I got the idea from talking to mom. Apparently, your dad did that for you. I just hope this time you're around to read it with her.

I know you're terrified of that not happening. Trust me, I get that. I buried my first family. I really don't want to bury my second. I don't want Demora to go through what I did. Maybe she won't because she has us. Demora has a whole family waiting for her with open arms. Not like what happened with my aunt. She only wanted me for the money.

I guess from these ramblings, you know that we're on our way or will be soon. I think we're getting to New Vulcan on the 20th or the 21st. It depends on how our inspections go. I don't think the Enterprise delegation arrives until the 22nd, at least the part with Captain Spock and his spouse. You and the baby's daddy might be able to go down earlier. Mom is not really sharing any details with us. There is probably a reason for that. I'm not sure what that reason is, but I'm not sure I want to know. Anyway, write me back.

PS: I just found out your baby's daddy's fiancé is an idiot and never did write to you about the incident. He is now. Which means that you're going to get my message first. Oops, sorry. I hope that there has been some rapid messages in the meantime. Otherwise, you are going to have one hell of a response.

XXXX

From: Benjamin_2254

To: Mommy_Susan

Time arrived: 12/12/2260 00:00:01

Subject: I am glad your mom packed the good wine.

I feel like you need at least three glasses and maybe a box of chocolate to go along with it. Whenever arriving at New Vulcan, we are just taking an hour and drinking our way through at least one bottle of the good stuff. You really need it.

I know you were terrified during your capture, but I think you were more honest to your one-and-a-half-year-old that you weren't planning to actually read the letter than to us. Or maybe not honest but raw. I saw less self-censorship because children aren't going to judge you. They're not going to question or second guess what you did or why you did it. Well, they will, but they can't verbalize that yet. We are just starting to get to short multi-word sentences. Mostly about no juice and the desire for cookies.

I think reading everything made me realize exactly how traumatizing this entire experience was for you. Also, how lucky we are that we got you back. I feel like the situation was worse than what we thought before.

This also makes me glad that we will be serving together, somewhere a hell of a lot safer. I mean, who's going to attack our space station? It will all be fine.

At least my former father-in-law will not be able to find us there. They usually don't let convicted felons take interplanetary transport, and with any luck, he'll be a convicted felon very soon. That tends to happen when you try to shoot your soon-to-be ex-wife at her farewell lunch.

The ex-father-in-law situation has escalated, but he's in jail once again, and we are leaving the planet tomorrow. He won't even have a bail arraignment until after we are far away. Thank the universe for that.

I would have waited to tell you about what happened until the next letter or maybe even when we are together in person. I just don't want to add to everything you're dealing with. You have a lot you need to process.

But Winona is here. We had a long conversation about the importance of honesty and relationships. Even if I don't see this situation as a big deal because he's arrested and we're all safe, the two of you might.

I'm okay. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm really frustrated that he keeps getting out. Maybe I'm even angry that I have to leave the planet. That's what happened with Winona. It was how she ended up on the planet of the damned. She wished she wasn't there because she lost Sam. But if she wasn't there, then maybe she wouldn't have Kevin, and you wouldn't have Liz. Perhaps the universe ended up the way it needed to be.

Regardless, we will be on our way soon. I'm completely packed, even if one suitcase is 90% snacks. The Sulu sisters did say they would send care packages because one cannot be on any colony without a steady supply of candy. The replicators don't get it right.

PS: Liz now knows that I didn't send you a rapid message about the restaurant incident earlier. Winona said a little too much. Liz is really mad at me. I'm in so much trouble. I'm going to have to make an emergency run to get her some chocolate before leaving tomorrow.

Xxx

From: Elizabeth_Chen

To: Mommy_Susan

time sent: 12/12/2260 06:48:21

Subject: Re: Can I hug you?

I completely agree that Ben is an idiot, but he's our idiot. Really, I think Hikaru couldn't deal with Ben alone. That's why he has me. Don't worry; several rapid messages have already been sent out on the subject. However, he did write us about what happened, so he is not stuck on the couch for his time on New Vulcan.

It looks like we are all going down the evening of the 22nd and staying through New Year's. At least that's the plan for Hikaru and me. I don't know about Jim and Spock. Although Nyota is really looking forward to being acting captain for a while. I'm looking forward to being on a planet where I won't have to worry about being kidnapped.

Okay, Hikaru is with me as I dictate this message, and he just informed me that last time Enterprise was here, Spock got kidnapped and hid what happened from Jim. How did they actually manage to get together? They seem more hopeless than you and Kevin. You got it together eventually, but we were all concerned. Hikaru refuses to give me additional details. I'm trying to decide if that's because it was ridiculous or because nobody wants to bring up the trauma of my own kidnapping. Personally, I think Vulcan supremacists were involved.

I'm doing well. I'm down to two sessions a week which I think shows progress. I've been informed that the therapist I will be seeing once I get to Yorktown happens to be one of Dr. Suarez's nieces. She's actually traveling with you to the colony. Probably to surprise her aunt. From what I've been told, the young Dr. Suarez just finished her time at the Academy. She's ready for deployment. She was a therapist for a few years before joining Starfleet. She got to take the quick version that Leonard did for later in life professionals. Actually, the program's even faster now because we need therapists. We need doctors; we need everybody after these last two and a half years.

When I had Demora, I think my biggest fear was becoming my father. You know I wasn't planning to have children until after my Starfleet days were long over. I even froze some eggs. I didn't want to be in that position. I didn't want to put my child in that position, but then the idiot ex-boyfriend picked up fertility lube, and I ended up with my daughter a little early. From what I understand about a decade early. We're going to have tea with Spock's grandfather one day when we're on the colony to figure out exactly how early because I'm curious. I think I can make him tell me.

I think my biggest fear now is I will leave her. That one day, I will die on a mission just like my dad. I think it got worse spending time with Peter. Apparently, there were a few near misses before the parasite incident. But Peter's mom refused to change. I'm not going to be that person. That's why I am glad I'm taking the Yorktown assignment.

BTW the kids left yesterday. They're excited. Jim, Spock, and Leonard are concerned. We have yet to get any emails. We're worried that Josephine might beat the hell out of some bigoted prepubescent Vulcans. Scotty gave her replicator codes for small weapons. Nyota said he better be glad he's on the Hamilton until February.

I think a nervous Jim and Spock are adorable. Sulu wants to smack both of them upside the head. Being the actual first officer without the name can be a bit stressful. I did remind him that at least he doesn't work for people that would turn him over to save their own ass. OK, maybe I am still working on some things in therapy.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you soon. I think it's going to be a good trip.

XXXX

From: Mommy_Susan

To: Benjamin_2254

Time sent: 12/12/2260 07:00:01

Subject: you barely escaped couch time.

Be very thankful that Winona knocked some sense into you because you would be on the couch without this email. Also, we want to once again say that your trauma is valid. This is not a competition. I'm also not a fragile person. You don't have to keep things from the fiancé and me because you don't think we can handle it right now.

I know I was a mess when I wrote the letter to Demora. Honestly, I'm still a mess. But I'm getting better. I am only seeing my therapist twice a week. I know what my next assignment is going to be. I concluded that I want to do something a lot less dangerous than being a captain on a diplomatic ship, at least for a little while. I want our child to at least have one of us around growing up.

My parents always made sure one person was on the planet with me. That was a good system, at least until my dad died. Then I was living with Gina's family for a while. This was good because they adore me like another daughter. Per my conversations with Nyota, it was better than boarding school. She has made peace with it after realizing she avoided a possible Frank situation. I'm sure Winona filled you in on that.

I think every parent wants to make sure their children have a better childhood than they did. Especially when parts of their childhood were a little on the screwed upside. (I know I had a better childhood than Liz because I only have one dead parent. This is why we don't compare trauma in this family.) I don't want to make the mistakes of my parents or Liz's biological parents, for that matter. I want to make all new mistakes. I can't wait to explain to Demora about her conception. It was a great outcome, but it wasn't exactly the best life decision I've ever made.

We are definitely breaking open the good wine and having a long conversation with each other. Because I don't think you're completely fine about what happened with your former father-in-law. The almost shooting was traumatic no matter what you say. Maybe you're not physically hurt, but I feel like you're upset that you had to leave your home to get away from him.

Yes, you are also leaving so you can be closer to your fiancé. We can be a big family together on the space station. But he still the one partially responsible for you having to leave. You hate that you're being forced out.

You can be angry about what he's doing to you. You're allowed to be angry. Reyes tells me that I'm allowed to be mad at the captain who sold me out. I'm allowed to be mad at the coworker who set me up.

You can be mad at your former father-in-law. It's OK. You can be frustrated because you had to make this decision because of his actions. You're allowed to feel sad. You're allowed to feel the way you do. Nobody can tell you that you're not processing it right. Or it wasn't such a big deal because you're still alive. Other people do not dictate how you feel. You are the one who decides what you're dealing with; it is you.

It is perfectly fine if you're mad and you're in pain. You don't have to hide your pain and hurt from me because I'm also in pain. You don't need to hide your feelings from your partner because you feel like you have to be strong and man enough. You don't have to put on a brave face because you have to be the one supporting the rest of us. You don't have to close yourself off from us.

You don't have to be the strong one because we are a mess. Nobody has to be the strong one. We are a team; we are a family. And we will deal with all of this together. No matter what, it's what we are.

To be continued…