Not-So-Helpful Helpers
"How's it looking, homme?" Remy asked.
"So far, so good," Piotr said carefully maintaining his focus. "It seems to be working better than I expected."
"Of course it is," Pyro smiled while happily laboring nearby. "This is all top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art stuff. Nothing but the best for us Acolytes!"
"What is going on here?" Magneto demanded appearing with a scowl. "You idiots are supposed to be working, not goofing off."
"We are working," Remy insisted. "We're testing out the load of fancy, high tech equipment we nabbed during the raid on that secret research lab."
"Oh geeze, don't even remind me of that," Magneto groaned holding his head. "That lab was one of the most heavily guarded facilities in the world. I had to burn half a dozen intelligence assets just to find out it existed. The supplies and resources gathered from that place were supposed to give us a decisive edge when it is finally time to secure mutant supremacy over humanity. But instead of an unmatched arsenal of cutting-edge weapons and biogenetic equipment, I ended up with this!"
"Well, some of these things will give us an edge," Piotr noted holding up a futuristic-looking device. "Though probably not the way you intended."
"No kidding," Magneto glared at his subordinates spread about various counters in the Kitchen. "Whoever heard of a hidden, top secret research lab for developing the latest cooking and kitchen gadgets?"
"Well, the food prep sector is a growing market encompassing both home cooks and professional chefs," Remy said while trying out an ergonomically-designed melon baller. "Every company wants to patent the best devices and achieve name recognition before their competitors. Only makes sense they keep their R and D labs under wraps."
"Just like this new handy-dandy freeze drier," Pyro grinned testing out said device on a row of flank steaks. "Though personally I think the whole concept behind this doohickey is kinda misplaced. Why bother freeze-drying food when you can simply fire-dry it instead?"
"Because most people can not spend hours tending to a fire in order to dry out food," Piotr said experimenting with different fruit zesters. "And the danger of being around large open flames."
"Well duh! What do people think cooking is all about?" Pyro smiled. "There's nothing like preparing food over a big blazing fire to awaken palates and make one feel alive! And if big fires aren't available, one can always make one using a culinary-grade flamethrower or blowtorch…"
"Oh no you don't!" Magneto roaring quickly using his powers to remove every fire-creating piece of equipment from the Kitchen. "There's no way I'll allow you to have access to even more means of pointless, fiery destruction! The ones you already have around here are bad enough!"
"Awww!" Pyro pouted in disappointment.
"Lighten up, Mags. Not all of this stuff is pointless," Remy said trying out more gadgets. "Some of it is pretty cool. Like this motorized, automatic rolling pin."
"Oh sure. A superfluous item like that has always been on my wish list," Magneto rolled his eyes. "And don't call me Mags!"
"That's nothing. Check out these temperature-activated pot and pan stirrers," Pyro said activating more tools. "They stir stews and simmering liquids so that you don't have to."
"Gee, what a breakthrough," Magneto drawled. "Such a revolutionary invention is bound to change the future of all mutant kind."
"Many of these devices do seem quite unnecessary and complicated," Piotr commented peering at various other tools. "Heated butter softeners, electric sugar sprinklers, ultrasonic flour shifters. Why bother creating and using complex cooking tools when simple ones work just fine?"
"Because it's for Science!" Pyro declared passionately. "Because it represents progress! And because it's always fun to play with new kitchen gadgets!"
"Darn right," Remy grinned.
"But many of these so-called labor-saving devices are nothing but one-use wonders," Piotr insisted.
"Huh?" Pyro looked confused. "What do you mean, mate?"
"Well, just look at some of these things," Piotr said holding up a combined cheese slicer and grater. "This tool is supposed to slice cheese into all kinds of decorative shapes. That is fine, but the design also makes it impossible to clean properly, much less sharpen the blades."
"Oh," Pyro blinked. "I never thought of that."
"Along with a lot of other things," Magneto grumbled.
"Cooking tools are supposed to be functional, reusable and easy to maintain," Piotr continued setting the cheese slicer aside. "If a tool can only be safely used once then it is probably not worth using at all."
"You got a point, homme," Remy agreed inserting a large chunk of raw pork shoulder into a machine. "That's why we're testing out all these kitchen gadgets in the first place. Hey, this automated fat remover is awesome. Trims off nearly all the fat in seconds."
"So does this electric chicken skinner," Pyro smiled showing off another device. "Does the work of six knives at once while leaving every piece of succulent flesh intact!"
"Really?" Magneto raised an eyebrow. "Let's see just how well that amazing gadget performs by testing it on a dodo."
"No!" Pyro cried in horror grabbing a large kitchen mallet and violently smashing the chicken skinner to pieces. "Don't even think about using this on Pippi!"
"I wasn't referring to the bird," Magneto gave Pyro a look.
"Uh, moving on," Piotr gulped and quickly attempted to change the subject. "These industrial-grade spice grinders are very nice. And they double as bone grinders too."
"Sweet," Remy remarked. "That always helps when making homemade bone broth. Almost as slick as this automated fish gutter, cleaner and descaler. Yet another alternative replacement for Sabertooth."
"Oooo! You gotta try these beauties out, mates!" Pyro chirped in delight holding up several hand-held devices. "Easy-squeezy fruit and vegetable mashers for creating all-natural skin detoxifiers! They even include built-in applicator pads which allow the fresh mixtures to be spread directly onto the skin!"
"Really?" Remy watched as Pyro filled the devices with orange, cucumber and avocado slices before dabbing the resulting mixture onto his face. "Hmmm, not bad. Let me try."
"Me too," Piotr said repeating Pyro's movements. "Ahhh, nice and smooth."
"Oh geeze!" Magneto groaned covering his eyes. "This is insane! You fools are even more ridiculous than this frivolous farrago of worthless cooking gadgets!"
"These gadgets aren't worthless," Remy defended while applying more fruit and vegetable extract onto his face. "Okay, some of these doohickeys may seem a little weird, but there are a lot of diamonds in the rough."
"Yeah, like this incredible egg innards extractor," Pyro smiled holding up a strange-looking syringe. "No more making a gooey mess of cracked eggs. Just insert this specially designed needle through the shell to suck eggs dry before squirting everything back out all while leaving the albumen unspoiled and yolks completely intact!"
"Unlike the contents of your head," Magneto grumbled.
"Or this nifty dumpling maker," Remy said showing off another machine. "Just fill it up with dough and your filling of choice and let this baby take care of the rest. Have hundreds of perfectly shaped dumplings ready in minutes instead of hours."
"What are you, an informercial?" Magneto snapped. "Stop trying to sell me on these stupid things! I'd return the lot of them in a second if they had been purchased instead of stolen!"
"I like this little combination nutcracker and sorter," Piotr commented trying out a gadget. "Just roll it around to cleanly separate all the nuts from the shells. It even has a nut peeling option too."
"Why bother with a pointless tool like that?" Magneto snorted. "You mindless nuts are already cracked!"
"There's the police force-capacity remote- and voice-controlled coffee roaster, grinder, steamer, dripper and espresso machine," Remy added. "Prepares a freshly made cup of coffee within a hundred-yard radius without having to mess with the machine. Also prepares lattes, hot chocolate and cappuccino."
"Okay, that device actually sounds useful," Magneto blinked. "In fact, it might be one of the most brilliant inventions ever made."
"Not as brilliant as this easy-to-use fruit display cutter," Pyro smiled readying a mesh-like tool. "Just one push and this baby will carve out a beautiful, eye-catching centerpiece." Pyro grinned before proceeding with a flourish. "Hi-ya!"
SPLAT!
"Aaacckk!" Magneto yelped.
"Uh, I do not believe that tool is tended to be used on a banana," Piotr commented.
"Lemons and other citrus fruits probably aren't a great idea either," Remy added.
"Pyro you idiot!" Magneto shouted wiping mushed banana blobs off his helmet. "Can't you go without causing trouble for one day? What am I saying? Just look at this mess! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get banana stains out of a cape?" Magneto cursed and grabbed a nearby object and began rubbing his uniform with it. "Hey, the squashed banana isn't coming out. What kind of lousy towel is this?"
"Oh, that's not a towel," Pyro explained. "It's a remote-controlled defibrating mat which tenderizes meat by zapping it with high voltage shocks."
"What?!" Magneto yelled.
"Yeah, it's really neat," Pyro said holding up a control. "All ya have to do is press this little button and…"
ZZZAAAPPP!
"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed.
"Ta da!" Pyro smiled proudly. "Works just as intended."
"Are you sure?" Remy smirked impishly. "Maybe you should try it again. For testing purposes…"
"Okay!" Pyro chirped.
"WHAT?!" Magneto yelped. "NO!"
ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP! ZZZAAAPPP!
"GAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed.
"Yep. Still works fine," Pyro said as Magneto continued to squawk and spasm about. "Hey, this is pretty fun!"
"I want to try it next," Piotr smiled.
"NO!" Magneto yelled quickly slapping the control from Pyro's hand and tossing the electric mat aside. Several metal tools and knives suddenly shot up and flew at him. "Ahhh! What the?! Oh great. That stupid taser tenderizer somehow managed to magnetize my uniform."
"Really?" Remy raised an eyebrow at Magneto's utensil-covered chest plate. "Talk about ironic."
"No worries, Mags," Pyro said brandishing another tool. "A few spritzes of ionized salt will fix it."
"No! Wait…!" Magneto yelled right before Pyro sprayed him in the face. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT STINGS! MY EYES! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"Pyro, that was not the wide-angle salt sprinkler," Piotr pointed out. "It was the wide-angle pepper sprinkler."
"So it is," Pyro noted checking the device. "Huh, how about that."
"GAAAHHHHHH, MY EYES ARE ON FIRE! ACHOOO! ACHOOO!" Magneto alternately sneezed and shrieked violently. He desperately moved toward the sink and frantically attempted to clear his eyes. "Ugh, that's a little better…wait a second. This isn't water!"
"And that's not the sink either," Remy snickered at Magneto's dripping form. "It's the jumbo-sized seasoning dispenser next to the sink containing extra virgin olive oil."
"WHAT?!" Magneto cried blindly backing away before stepping on both the dropped electric tenderizer mat and control.
ZZZAAAPPP!
FA-WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!
"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
"Ouch," Remy whistled as Magneto was immediately engulfed in flames. "That's gotta hurt."
"Oooo, pretty!" Pyro marveled.
"YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THAT'S HOT!" Magneto screamed thrashing about. "WATER! HALON! BAKING SODA! WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"
"Oh dear," Piotr sighed as Magneto frenetically fled the Kitchen. "Shouldn't we do something about this? Like shoot Magneto with some of the inferno-rated fire extinguishers we picked up?"
"Na, he'll be fine," Remy waved. "The flames covering him aren't that big. Besides, this isn't the first time Mags has been scorched and set on fire. Heck, it isn't even the first time it's happened to him this week."
"Bet he changes his mind about kitchen gadgets now," Pyro giggled.
"Okay," Piotr shrugged turning back to the array of gadgets stilling waiting to be tested. "By the way, when should we tell Magneto about accidentally trapping Mastermind inside the quick-aging pickling barrel?"
"Right after we tell him about our apparent success at vacuum-sealing Sabertooth," Remy smirked.
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.