Gus' hiccuped sobs echoed in Shawn's mind as they entered the dorm. He'd never seen Gus like that before. He'd tear up from time to time, and there was one notable instance when a girl had started sobbing over her test score that had Gus' face covered in tears. But it had always been something that was controlled, or was waved away with the exasperated explanation of 'sympathetic crying.'

If Shawn had his choice, he'd never see this kind of crying ever again. And it was happening because of him. Because he'd been caught.

"Elevator or stairs?" Gus asked, his eyes red and his voice exhausted.

Gus was still giving him choices, even after everything.

"Stairs, please." He should say 'sir'... He felt so small that it was painful to not acknowledge it. But Gus didn't like being called that, and Shawn wasn't going to do anything else, ever again, that Gus wouldn't like.

The pain in his back was a welcome friend as they climbed up to Gus' room, with each step being echoed by a throbbing flare through his welts. It was simple, a pain he understood, a pain he deserved. But it also wasn't simple, because Gus had done it, and it had hurt Gus, and he was still tensing for worse to come.

Gus wasn't like that, he knew Gus wasn't like that, but the tension was still there. Things always got worse after he was caught running away.

It was a strange feeling when they stepped out of the stairs and into the hallway Shawn had thought he'd never see again. Everything was the same, but nothing was the same, all at once. He shouldn't be here; it was wrong.

He'd thought he'd be free by now, but instead he was more trapped than ever.

A loud burst of giggles exploded out of Rowan's old room, and Shawn flinched at the noise, startling so much that his leash jingled. Gus looked back, his face tight in concern, and Shawn forced himself to relax. He was here, it didn't matter. What mattered was keeping Gus from worrying more.

A quieter roll of laughs covered the silence between them before Gus started walking again. The student who'd moved in after Rowan left had clicked instantly with their old roommate, and now it was impossible to see one without the other. Their fast friendship just added to the guilt churning in Shawn's gut. Friendship was supposed to be that easy, but he always made it harder for Gus.

This time he'd caused the most hurt of all…

Gus didn't say anything until the door was closed behind them and the leash was off. "It'd be helpful for you to lay on the bed and let me see your back."

"I'm ok." It wasn't Gus' fault; he had to make him feel better. "It's really not that bad."

Gus just sighed and made his way to the desk. The desk with Shawn's letter still sitting on it…

"I need to do this." Gus stopped as he caught sight of the folded up piece of paper, and he stared at it for several seconds before looking away. "Please don't make me order it."

As much as Shawn wanted to protest, he had to listen. He had to do whatever Gus needed. He pulled his shirt off, keeping his face turned away in case he wasn't able to hide his grimace. The pain died back down to a hot smolder and he climbed onto the bed and laid on his stomach.

His heart thudded in his throat as small tremors ran through his body. It was wrong; he knew he was safe. He knew Gus was safe. But all his body seemed to know was that a master had beat him and now he was laying face first on a mattress… He couldn't be scared; he couldn't put that on Gus. He couldn't be afraid of Gus.

Mind over body; he could do this.

"I have some pain cream and it says it's supposed to help with healing too…" His master– Gus walked closer, and Shawn squeezed his eyes closed. He couldn't flinch, he couldn't flinch…

"I'm going to touch your shoulder now. It… It won't hurt this time."

Shawn nodded and held his body tight and under control. A jolt still ran through him when Gus' hand lightly grazed his skin. Gus pulled back with a quiet gasp and Shawn rushed to reassure him. "S-Sorry. It's not you. I promise, it's not."

"R-Right. Because you always flinch," Gus said, his shaking voice betraying how little he believed himself. "It's ok; you don't… you don't have to feel bad."

Shawn still felt bad. But he also didn't know what would help. He'd never had to convince a master it was ok that they'd hurt him…

"OK, let's try again." Gus let out a shaky breath before gently touching the top of Shawn's shoulder. Another flinch ran through him, but Gus didn't let go, his hand a comforting point of connection between them. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

Gus sounded like he was just barely keeping it together as he said, "Ok, I'm going to put some gel on the… the… I'm going to start putting on the gel."

"Ok." How could he help? There had to be a way he could help, but Gus didn't seem to want to talk. Which took away most of Shawn's options. He stayed quiet.

The hand shifted and a sudden coolness soothed the fire over his shoulder. Shawn sighed before he could stop himself and the tight muscles in his back loosened. It felt so good.

"At least I can do something right," Gus grumbled, almost too quiet to hear. He spoke up louder as his hand traveled diagonally down. "I'm sorry."

How could an apology hurt worse than a cane? "It wasn't your choice."

The hand stopped moving and the world held its breath before Gus quietly confessed, "I had to choose fifteen times…"

He knew how to help now. Shawn twisted around, ignoring how the sharp heat pierced his back at the movement. "I made the choice, not you. It wasn't your fault."

"Right. I just left the remote right next to you, gave you free run of the place, didn't check on you for hours… Picked out the cane, and… and did that…" Gus set his jaw in his typically stubborn way as he finished sarcastically, "It totally isn't my fault."

Shawn narrowed his eyes at the flimsy excuses. Two could play at that game. "I chose to run, I only had a hunch of where to go, I fought back when I got grabbed, I didn't try harder to keep you from being the one to punish me…"

"But I was the one to punish you. Me." Gus removed his hand and sat on the bed. "After all of this and in the end… I was just another master."

Well that was just bullshit. Shawn carefully pushed himself up to sitting so he could look Gus in the eye. "Are you going to beat me now?"

Gus' jaw dropped. "What?!"

"You're just another master. I ran away, you did the mandatory punishment, now we're back at your home. It's time to make sure I learn my lesson. Right?"

Gus recovered quickly, crossing his arms as a scowl creased his face. "I know what you're doing."

"Good. Then you know why that thought was dumb."

"It was not."

"Was too. You made it so it didn't hurt worse than it had to." Even months ago, he'd known Gus wouldn't make it hurt too much.

"But I did hurt you."

"And you made it so it didn't hurt worse than it had to," Shawn repeated. This one wasn't a burden for Gus to bear. "The cops would have used the whip." His scars ached under the welts at the memories. "And they would have made them hurt as much as possible. You barely even overlapped them."

Gus winced. "I'm especially sorry about the one that did. I swear it was on accident."

"I know." He'd known it in the moment too. "I don't blame you."

"Do you blame your other masters?" Gus asked.

Shawn went to answer, but something locked up his throat, keeping the lies inside. According to Gus he should blame them… But did he really?

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Gus sighed after several seconds of silence. "I appreciate what you're doing, but I think I just need time. Let's finish up your back."

That wasn't how the conversation was supposed to have gone… Shawn focused on the lines of heat as he laid back down, sinking himself into the pain so he wouldn't have to think about the guilt and unease coiling in his chest. He'd thought he was better, he'd thought he could help...

Gus' voice was a relief to hear as he started applying the cream again. "We can just have a quiet afternoon after this. I can't believe it isn't even dinner yet…"

Gus was trying to be normal. Shawn could be normal for him. "Ok. That sounds good."

"We can… we can order a pizza or something. So we don't have to leave."

"Pizza sounds good," Shawn agreed.

"Yeah… yeah it does…" Gus' hand slowed to a stop as the air grew heavy. His voice was small when he asked, "Why did you do it?"

Dozens of answers flew through Shawn's mind, each one as compelling as the last. But he needed the one that would make Gus understand. Make him stop blaming himself. "It wasn't you, I promise." Gus' frantic questions from earlier played on repeat. "It wasn't that you weren't enough."

Gus scoffed and Shawn continued desperately, "It wasn't. You're the best thing that's happened to me. But I'm still a slave. Nothing stays good for a slave. And… And… I couldn't risk being the reason things went bad for you." The fact that Gus had said he would have helped only made that fear louder. "I couldn't risk you."

"But you still did," Gus accused. "You were the reason things went bad."

Shawn squeezed his eyes closed. Hearing that tone when he couldn't even see Gus' face somehow made it all worse. Gus was right; his choice had made things bad. He should have fought more on getting the welts treated. He deserved the pain. "I didn't think they'd call you."

It was the wrong thing to say, he knew it was wrong, but his mouth kept going. "Three strikes and that's it. It's always like that. Either I got free or I didn't, either way you weren't supposed to be involved."

"And that's supposed to make it better?" Gus snapped back. The coolness finished spreading down Shawn's back and Gus started pacing. "My best friend runs off without any warning, and I never see him again or even know if he's alive, and that's supposed to be the good ending?"

Well, when he put it like that… Shawn sat up to watch him better. "But you wouldn't have to worry as much, and you could make more friends–"

"Shawn!" Gus snapped out, sounding so much like Shawn's dad that it hurt. "When will you get it through your thick head that you're not replaceable?!"

It probably meant something that Shawn's first impulse was to argue the point. But he shouldn't argue, he should just agree with everything that his master said… But he couldn't leave it like this. "What if our positions were reversed?"

Gus froze, the angry lines on his face softening before he hardened it back into a glare. "What about it?"

A chill ran across Shawn's bare shoulders. It was a terrifying thought, but he had to make Gus understand. "You don't even like when your parents tell you what to do. Now you're put in a world where you have to do everything I say, you have to ask permission for everything, you have to always be aware of where I am, what I need, what I might say next."

"I already do most of those things," Gus argued.

Now he was just being stubborn. "You choose to do those things. And it's not just you, it's everyone. I was out there for two hours and had five people tell me hello. Five. Do you know the last time that's happened that wasn't you?"

Gus' jaw twitched but his voice still dripped acid when he answered, "Yeah, it sucks. You know what sucks worse? Dying. Is this life really so bad that you'd rather get yourself killed than stay with me?"

"This life won't always be here." Shawn found himself on his feet, the skin pulling tight on his back as he clenched his hands. "You get in a car accident, your parents lose their house, you fall in love and she doesn't want a house slave, one of us makes your mother angry, I convince you to do something dangerous and we get caught… Nothing for a slave is permanent. It can't be." The angry clouds over Gus finally parted, and he looked just as lost as Shawn felt. Shawn's voice shook as he added quietly, "You can't protect me from the whole world."

Gus swallowed thickly, his eyes glistening as he looked away. It should feel good to see a master submit to him. But too much had happened, too much was still in the air. He should have known better than to run. How could he have thought that anything good could have come from it?

Gus stayed as still as a statue when he finally answered. "I'm not mad that you ran… I mean, I am, but not really. I get it. I'm mad because you didn't tell me. We could have figured out a way for you to not be caught."

An ache grew in Shawn's chest, enveloping every other emotion. "I knew you'd help, and that's why I couldn't tell you. It was too dangerous. For you."

"Don't I get to be the one to make that call?"

Shawn let out a shaky breath. "Not when the punishment is getting collared."

"...Oh." Gus made his way to his chair and sat down, his movements too controlled as he clasped his hands together. His shaking hands. "I… didn't know."

"Take a slave out, put a slave back in." Too many imaginations, too many nightmares. Images of blood down Gus' back, his hands locked behind him, his mind locked in his skull, his anger tamed, the life in his eyes gone…

"So… Should I read this?" Gus asked, saving Shawn from himself as he was forced back into the real world. The world where Gus was still hurting, but was offering them both a way out of the conversation.

Would the letter help or hurt? Gus shouldn't have to stop his curiosity. Not today. "You can read it."

Shawn sank back onto the bed, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. The worst was over, and Gus didn't hate him. It didn't take Gus long to read the letter, and his eyes widening made it obvious when he reached the last line. Shawn braced himself for the questions; Gus deserved to know everything.

Except Gus didn't ask what he expected. "No one's listening now… What was your plan?"

Gus did deserve to know everything… but was it safe for him to know that? It didn't matter as exhaustion had Shawn answering before he'd fully thought it through. "I've… heard of an underground railroad, of sorts. People who can get rid of the collar."

"Define 'heard'"

"My dad knew about it. And I thought I'd figured out where I could find them." It was an oversimplification, but it got the important parts out.

Gus thought for a second, his hands folding the note back up before he said, "I take it you didn't find them."

"No…" He'd tried so many places, looked for clues or signs. All of the evidence pointed to the area he'd been looking, but there'd been nothing. It had all been for nothing.

"How did they catch you?"

Shawn shook his head. He'd been wondering the same thing. "I don't know. I was careful; I made sure no one was looking whenever I left the sidewalk… But the cops knew what I was. Even though they shouldn't have. They were yelling orders as soon as they saw me."

Gus just nodded, his face blank. "Ok, one more question then I'm tapped out. What did the detective say to you?"

Detective Carp's words slithered into Shawn's skull. "I know who you were, and I know what's owed. My debt's paid; don't go thinking you'll get any more special treatment."

"My dad saved him once. The same fire that killed him. Carp…" his throat tightened as old and new pain merged together. But he'd gotten this far; he could finish it. "The detective was wiping his slate clean."

"Wait… He knew you? From before?"

"Yes."

"And he called you 'it'," Gus said, his hollow voice coloring in disgust. Disgust at Carp.

Shawn still winced at the reminder.

"It's a right shame. Henry gave his life for a measly slave, and now that's all he gets for a legacy too. The man deserved better."

"No wonder you wanted to run…" Gus sighed and dug into his desk, pulling out the chess set. "I'm guessing we could both use a distraction."

Shawn slumped with relief, his back aching with a reminder that he was still hurt, even if the medicine helped. But Gus was offering to do something with him, not just ignoring him for the night. It was better than he could have asked for. Some of the weight in the room lightened as he said, "Yeah, that sounds really good."

Gus nodded with a small smile, clearly knowing exactly what he was offering. "Good. You can put a shirt on if you'd be more comfortable. We're not going out again if you want the button-up pajamas."

Shawn moved quickly to comply, breathing a quiet sigh of relief as his vulnerabilities were covered. It was temporary, it didn't actually change anything… but it was still a comfort. One he was willing to take in the moment.

They didn't talk while they played, but the silence was a welcome one as they both let their emotions settle. Gus ordered pizza, as promised, and even let Shawn pick the toppings like normal. It was when Gus left the room to pick up the food that Shawn realized something important.

Gus hadn't asked what he'd expected. He hadn't asked about his name.

Gus,

I'm sorry. Don't think this is your fault. Your always there for me but I need to do this. To keep you from doing something you'll regret. And to make sure I don't regret not trying. I'm almost free with you. You made that possible. But I want to be fully free.

Your probably mad and that's ok. It's ok to call the cops to so they won't think you were involved. I know what I'm doing. If I'm right they won't find me. If I'm not… then I guess that's it. Even then my only regret is having to never see you again.

I'll miss you. And thank you for being my best friend.

Shawn Spencer