A/N: Translations for Abigail's emails will be in the end Author note
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Saturday, February 15th, 1997 7:35 PM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Our Turn
Hey Gus,
So, let's just skip the small talk. We saw Abigail's mom today.
Logistically it went really really well. Like, I thought something would have to go wrong, but we got to the house just fine (though if that's a 'house' then holy crap we live in hovels), and the owner met us and took us to 'the small sitting room' where Abigail's mom was. I'd watched a few slave inspection videos before we went, so I was able to act like I knew what I was doing. Knew what to ask too, which was a bit more weird, but I warned Abigail about it beforehand.
I really don't know which answer would have been worse for whether her mom had been 'bred' or not, though… The fact that they don't know who the 'sire' was could either be best case or worst case scenario.
Anyways, I did manage to get them some time alone, and I think her mom recognized her right away. It's hard to tell, what with slaves being really good at not showing anything. I made sure to make it obvious pretty early on, just in case. Abigail's been really quiet since we left. She thanked me, and said that they were able to talk. But other than that… I guess we can chalk this up to a win.
Sounds like the cemetery was a win too? I know you said Shawn was a bit emotional afterwards, but being able to talk about his dad some more sounds like a good sign.
Uh, so... ngl, this has actually brought up some feelings from me too. I haven't really let myself think about my stuff for a while. There's been too many other things to figure out. Work, new house routines, Abigail, all that. Even when my family was trying to bully my cousin, I just locked it all away. It was more about how they were hurting her, instead of anything about me.
But Abigail told me one other thing tonight. And I want to celebrate, because it's huge. Two big things at once. But instead, I'm just… drowning. It's branded in my skull and I can't lock it away because it's her , but I also don't know how to deal. "You're good, Rowan. And your parents actually had a choice. They chose wrong."
And it's just messed up. Abigail's mom didn't have a choice, Shawn's dad didn't have a choice, they would have done whatever it took to keep their family together. And mine just goes and throws it all away because I don't act the exact same as them? In what world does that make sense?
And it isn't even like I didn't try. I tried so hard to be who they wanted, but I could never be good enough. I could see everything I was messing up, but I didn't know how to not mess up. How do you stop yourself from messing up when that mess up is you? But none of that mattered because they saw who they wanted to see. The broken version of who they wanted to see.
And when I wouldn't let them keep up that illusion anymore? They made their choice.
They chose the illusion.
And it's fucking messed up. And I'm extra pissed, because even the memory of them is still fucking with my life, because I should be downstairs with Abigail right now instead of hiding in a literal closet typing this to you (yes, I get the irony). They had a choice that thousands would kill for and they still chose to get rid of me. But I can't get rid of them. It's not fair.
And trust me, I'm hearing your voice telling me right now that a free person shouldn't complain about unfairness, but it is. ALL of this is unfair. Ugggghhhhh.
I need a walk.
I need to check on Abigail, then take a walk.
Sorry about the trauma dumping, but technically you did it first. And I don't actually have anyone else I can tell it to… So, thanks for listening. Even if unwillingly.
Rowan
From: browneyedsparrow
Sent: Saturday, February 15th, 1997 8:09 PM
To: nelsonnoseflare
Subject: (none)
dear shawn
i saw my muthr today i dont no wut i fel
i didnt thenk id evr se her ugen
i prabole wont evr se her ugen
ugen
its hapey and sad at the sam tim
rowan is herting now aftr dooing that
i want too help
how doo yu help wen yor mastr is herting
abigail
From: nelsonnoseflare
Sent: Saturday, February 15th, 1997 11:03 PM
To: browneyedsparrow
Subject: (none)
Hi Abigail,
I'm glad you got too see her. I'm sorry you don't get too see her again.
I didn't know what too think about my dad either. Gus didn't tell Rowan, but I saw something that my uncle left there. Made me remember alot.
Sometimes I tell Gus my memories, he likes knowing things.
You said I'm a weird slave once, because I have a weird master. Now you have a weird master.
You can be a weird slave too.
When Gus is hurting, I see what he needs, then I try too do that. And I don't have too do it like a slave. He actually prefers when I don't.
What does Rowan need?
Shawn
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Sunday, February 16th, 1997 7:03 AM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Re: Our Turn
Hey Rowan,
First off, I definitely wasn't judging your feelings. It makes sense with Shawn and Abigail reconnecting to their families that you'd think about yours. You're right; it's absolutely not fair that your parents abandoned you. And Abigail's right; they absolutely did choose wrong. I know I talk about my thoughts about slavery and where I fit into it all, but I don't expect –or want– you to have that same expectation on yourself.
Now it's my turn to hear your voice asking why the expectations are different between us. You probably wouldn't agree with any of the reasons I just thought of.
You said that college was the first time you were actually able to be you, and that's the you that I know. There's a lot of stuff that's messed up in this world, but you definitely aren't part of that. Your parents made you think that, just like trainers and the world made Shawn and Abigail think the way they do. Your family are the messed up ones.
To respond to the rest of the email: I'm glad there wasn't any trouble with seeing Abigail's mother. I'll admit, I stared at your paragraph about 'sires' for a good few minutes as I wrapped my head around it. It's something I was aware of, but I'd never actually thought all the way through. This world is fucked up.
How are you guys doing? I know nights after those kinds of days can be hard with Shawn. I mean, I don't usually sleep too well either, but I don't get nightmares like him. The night after the graveyard was pretty rough, even if I –we– still think it was good for him to do.
I don't want to take focus away from you guys, but I could also use your perspective. I have a meeting coming up that I have to make sure I'm completely prepared for. You know where I've 'vaguebooked' what Shawn and I are doing? Well, it ends up that Shawn is really good at solving crimes. Crazy good. Good enough that he ended up on the police radar and they hired us -technically just me- as consultants. We've helped a few times and…
I negotiated for Shawn to work for his freedom.
I know. It's crazy writing that out. But I have an agreement already set up with the chief of police, and it's happening. Right now I basically have a contract agreeing to making a contract. Later this week, I meet with the chief again to solidify the details of the 'code of conduct' Shawn will have to follow in order to not break that contract. And that's what I need help with.
I want to have a list ready to go, and I want it to give Shawn the ability to be himself while being strict enough that the chief will find it acceptable. And we need it to be airtight, so it can't be used against him to take the contract away at the last minute. I don't have many ideas yet and I'm not too proud to ask for help. My sister is learning to be a lawyer, so I figured I'd send her my first draft and see if she has any ideas too.
So… Thoughts?
Gus
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Sunday, February 16th, 1997 8:22 AM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Re: Re: Our Turn
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!
You have no idea how lucky you are that Abigail is in the shower right now, because I am FREAKING OUT! Crimes? Freedom? WHAT?!
Shawn had better tell Abigail soon, or tell me that I can tell her, because I can NOT keep this to myself. I can do a lot of stuff, I can't do that.
Holy SHIT!
Ok, I'm going to have to answer the conduct question later after giving it some thought. There is no thought here. There is only freak out.
I want deets. How did this happen? Please, please, say you're allowed to tell me at least part of it. I NEED TO KNOW!
Holy shit.
Rowan
P.s. tell Shawn that I'm freaking out FOR him, and this is the coolest thing that has ever cooled. SQUEEEEE!
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Sunday, February 16th, 1997 8:30 AM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Wait Please
Rowan,
Shawn is going to email her right now. I offered to let him call but he looked like I'd just suggested he enroll in mime school… So can you hold it in for just an hour or two? I don't want to take away the chance for him to tell it.
And the very short version is that Shawn asked me to pass along a crime tip. The tip was good enough to get an officer knocking on our door. I don't think I'm able to go into more detail than that.
Gus
P.S. And the freakout was very appreciated. I've been having to keep it in and stay focused… But I'm freaking out too!
From: nelsonnoseflare
Sent: Sunday, February 16th, 1997 8:53 AM
To: browneyedsparrow
Subject: (none)
Abigail,
I'm guessing Rowan told you. But I need too tell you.
I might be able too be free. My dad knew stuff about solving crimes and he taught me, and now Gus has been letting me help the police. I helped catch a murderer already. Now the cops are ready too offer me a contract.
I didn't think it was possible, but Gus managed to do it. It can still be taken away.
I know slaves can't want things. But I want this. Its everything I want.
I hope you understand.
Shawn
Code Draft 1:
-Don't break any laws.
-Don't hurt anyone. Which would be breaking a law.
-Don't run away. Which would be breaking the law.
-Don't…
. . . - - - . . .
Don't quote westerns in front of the chief. Don't wear hoodies backwards. Don't wear white after labor day. Don't re-enact dirty dancing in front of a murderer.
Don't mess up ever.
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Monday, February 17th, 1997 12:13 PM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Crap
Hey Gus,
I'm writing this really quick on my lunch break. Let Shawn know that Abigail might not answer for a few days. I kinda messed up… No, I DID mess up. I was really excited, and I managed to keep it to myself (mostly) until after she was able to read the email, but then I let my mouth get going. And she was already dealing with more than she should have, and I was an idiot. I asked if she'd ever want to be free.
And she's been shutdown ever since. I didn't make her answer it, don't worry, I told her to forget I said anything. But she's just… doing the things she's supposed to be doing and barely saying a word. Or showing anything. And she's back to calling me 'master' after she'd JUST started using 'Rowan'…
I think I broke her.
Please don't yell at me. I know I messed up. She still gets weirded out by small changes from slave stuff, it was obviously way too soon to bring it up. I apologized, but that seemed to make things worse. I don't want to ignore her, but I also don't want to make her talk or do stuff she doesn't want to. I don't know how to help…
Advice would definitely be good and appreciated. I know you're probably on a time crunch for the cop thing, so I've tried to think about that too… Not sure how useful it'll be though. I figure there's the obvious things like don't break laws and shit… but they wouldn't need a code of conduct to force those.
So, I guess the real question is what rules do THEY want to put on him? Clearly they want it even tighter for some reason. The dude had to have something in mind to suggest it, right? (I guess you didn't say, but I can't see YOU offering that willingly)
Maybe the better approach would be to figure out what restrictions you WON'T allow for him. And what you plan on doing if those show up in the rules list. I highly doubt you'd be willing to turn down the contract, so is there anything else you can use as leverage? Honestly, as it stands now, they could strong-arm you into almost anything. How fair do you think this guy is?
Not to be a downer or anything, just what I happened to think of. It's too bad there isn't competition that you could offer your "services" to like when you have to call around to other cell providers to force a better deal, LOL. Think they'd get possessive if you said you'd bus to Solvang or went to a PI?
Hope any of that helped, I'll keep thinking about it. When is the meeting?
And, yeah, anything I can do to help Abigail?
Rowan
Code Draft 2
Obvious:
-Don't break laws, up to and including hurting anyone or trying to run away.
Rules we can't do:
-No talking
-No going outside the precinct
-No watching interrogations
-Constant kneeling
-Any punishment or humiliation
-Any separating us
Leverage?
-Already have a deal started, would have to start over with anyone else. Not likely.
-Can't walk from the deal unless it's literally impossible or will get Shawn killed
-What else is there?
We are so screwed
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Monday, February 17th, 1997 7:43 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Re: Crap
Hi Rowan,
You gave me some things to think about; thanks for the help. The meeting is this Friday, and I'm really starting to get nervous. The fact that I don't know if the chief is fair certainly doesn't help.
For Abigail, I don't think you broke her. And I can't yell at you, because I've done the exact same thing before. Hell, I think I even did it the first time I brought up emancipation to Shawn. If he hadn't been trying so hard to be what he thought I wanted, he probably would have hidden in 'slave-mode' too.
He doesn't talk about it much, but from what I've been able to figure out, slave-mode is a coping mechanism. Like, things get to be too much, so he goes back to what he's learned is safest. Eventually, when he isn't in survival mode anymore, he comes back out.
For us, when he's like that I stay in the same room and watch a movie. It's something he can choose to join or not without it affecting me. And sometimes it takes a few days before he's back to his normal self. I really hate it, but sometimes doing slave things helps him too. Things like me using orders to help calm him down after a nightmare, or giving him opportunities to clean something up or help out. I think it's grounding or something.
Which is probably why she didn't like you apologizing. I can't tell you the number of times Shawn has told me that masters don't apologize to slaves. Needless to say, he hasn't managed to stop me yet.
Abigail just went through a lot in a short amount of time. And she lives in a world that's tried to teach her she's not allowed to have emotions. Who knows if she even has the words for them. It's no wonder she went back to what she knew when it became too much.
This might be a dumb idea; Shawn just gave me the weirdest look when I asked him about it. But slaves aren't allowed to talk, right? Maybe you could teach her some sign language so when she's having a hard time, she doesn't have to talk. Meet her where she's at.
Shawn and I figured out what worked with a lot of trial and error, and we're still working on it. I hope you find something that helps soon.
I know there's been a lot going on, but how are you doing?
Sincerely,
Gus
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Tuesday, February 18th, 1997 7:18 AM
To: joy_guster
Subject: Need Advice
Hey sis,
This stays between you and me. Mom and Dad can't know. If you tell them, then they'll find out why Levi stopped coming by the house. And they'll find out about your secret stash behind the dollhouse. And I'll never ever ever talk to you again.
Ok. This sounds crazy, but Shawn and I have been working for the police. He has abilities that the cops have found useful and we've been hired several times to help with cases. And I negotiated a new contract.
[attached file: ]
Any suggestions or advice before I meet with the chief to finalize the code of conduct?
Gus
[New text received 10:49 AM 02/18]
Joy: When can I call?
Gus: I'm out of class in ten minutes.
[Call ended 11:19 AM Duration: 0:17:23]
[Joy Guster's number has been blocked for 24 hours]
From: joy_guster
Sent: Tuesday, February 18th, 1997 11:38 AM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: What Did You Expect?
Burton,
Grow up. You asked me what I thought, and I told you. You want me to endorse you working for the cops ?! I've seen what people in that world go through; you have no idea what you're getting into. And agreeing to a contract where you aren't even being paid for your work? Great job negotiating. Really, top notch.
They're playing you. And you're happily walking yourself right into their trap. All because you're too blinded by a prize that they'll never give you . Open your eyes and use your brain. I know you're smarter than this.
I respect your dedication to Shawn. I can't respect this.
Joy
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Tuesday, February 18th, 1997 12:03 PM
To: joy_guster
Subject: You Can Take Your Respect and Shove It
I didn't realize I was talking to our mother. She'd be so proud.
I wasn't asking for permission, I was asking for any advice to keep them from taking away the 'prize' of Shawn being free. Because I have to try. If there's even a fraction of a chance, I owe it to Shawn to do whatever it takes to make it happen. So thanks so much for the help; I'm sure finding a way to add the words 'what is wrong with you' and 'you can't handle this' to the contract will be super helpful.
And for the record: I'm young, not dumb. You really think I don't realize they're looking for a way to use Shawn without giving him anything back? Please. I am grown up. More than anyone in my family seems capable of seeing.
I thought you were better than that. Guess I was wrong.
If you aren't going to be helpful, then stay out of our way.
Gus
From: nelsonnoseflare
Sent: Wednesday, February 19th, 1997 6:36 AM
To: browneyedsparrow
Subject: Sorry
Abigail,
I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry.
Shawn
[New text received 11:21 AM 02/19]
Joy: Sorry I said you were dumb
Gus: K
Joy: What do you have so far?
Gus: Are you planning on being a self-righteous brat again?
Joy: Fine, I deserved that. I was surprised and I didn't react well. I'm sorry.
Gus: I'm doing homework, I'll talk to you later
Joy: Look, just remember that conduct doesn't only mean what he's NOT allowed to do
Gus: What?
Joy: The code of conduct. If you put in things that Shawn IS allowed to do, it'll be harder for them to say he was doing something that wasn't allowed.
Joy: 'Doesn't cause disruptions' can be interpreted any way they want. 'Is allowed to stand around free people' has clear boundaries that can't be twisted as much.
Joy: It can work in either direction, but 'can' statements will be easier to define.
Gus: …Thanks
Gus: I'm sorry I said you were being Mom
Joy: Thanks
Code Draft 3:
Obvious:
-No breaking laws, including no hurting anyone or running away
Allows:
-Shawn's allowed to talk at anytime
-He's allowed to 'act out' if he's having a vision (within reason)
- He's allowed to stand or sit in front of free people
- He's allowed to watch interrogations
- He's allowed to be around related crime areas? Don't want to get in trouble if we're caught, but don't want to draw attention to it.
- Push for no leash?
Non-negotiable:
-No punishments or humiliation
-No separating us
Leverage:
-Need
-Need
-NEED
From: browneyedsparrow
Sent: Thursday, February 20th, 1997 10:21 AM
To: nelsonnoseflare
Subject: Sorry
Dear Shawn,
sorry
i wus scard i didnt no wut too fel
i culdnt thenk
i stil dont no wut too thenk
but yer rite i have a weird master
i ned too lern too be a weird slave
lik you
my muthr told me slaves culd want thengs thay just culdnt let the masters no
its why she had me
if you can be free then doo it
Abigail
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Thursday, February 20th, 1997 12:32 PM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Re: Re: Crap
Hey Gus,
Yeah, I'm totally fine; don't worry about me. I just have to focus on the now and leave all of those feelings in the past where they belong. There's too much going on to waste any time on them. It's all fine.
So, yeah. Abigail. The stuff you said was super helpful. At least it helped me feel less like I'd completely fucked everything up. We tried a movie, and it wasn't bad, but it didn't really help anything either. So I slept on it… Or, rather, tried.
You were right, Abigail has rough nights too. Not necessarily nightmares, but definitely not sleeping well and being way more skittish if she wakes me up. But, hey, it gave me enough time to think. And I remembered that I used to really like coloring when things got too much. So I gave that a shot last night, and I think it actually really worked.
Like, yeah, she's still quieter than normal. But she actually talked to me a bit after we'd been going for an hour. And she's really got an eye for color. I found a weird kaleidoscope coloring book that's apparently for adults, and the patterns she made looked amazing.
I asked about the sign language idea and she almost laughed at me? I dunno, I thought it was a good idea. Maybe they know something we don't. But she did agree to come up with a few signals for when she's struggling. I guess time will tell if she actually uses them when she needs it.
How's the code of conduct thing going? Any more ideas? What did your sister say?
Rowan
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Thursday, February 20th, 1997 4:14 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Almost Time
Hey Rowan,
That was good thinking with the coloring. I'm pretty sure Shawn and I would be bored to death if we tried that, but that's why I said you guys need to find your own way. I'm glad I could give you some things to think about, but that was all you.
And I know you said you're fine, so I won't push, but I've had times where I tried keeping the feelings in the past. The feelings didn't ever stay in the past. So, I'm here if you need to talk about it again.
Shawn seems a lot more relaxed after Abigail messaged him. I'm glad we got that set up for them. Though, I'm going to have to download a typing program on this laptop. His 'hunt and peck' is so slow. I don't know how it doesn't drive him mad.
And he just told me it wasn't his fault that keyboards don't make sense and refuse to be in alphabetical order. I tried explaining home row and common letters and he informed me that nerd reasons aren't always good reasons. He'll come around.
My sister was my sister… She has strong views and will fight anyone who thinks otherwise, but we're pretty good at fighting then making up again. She came around and gave me a good idea to think about. But it was actually Shawn who figured out the most important part. You were right; we needed leverage. And he figured out what we could use. The way he solves crimes doesn't work well if he has too many restrictions, so we just have to figure out how to word it right.
The meeting's tomorrow, so wish us luck. I feel like we're going to need it…
Gus
Rules of Psychic Spirits:
-Psychic needs to be near them to sense them. Touch, see, hear, etc. Therefor can't stay locked in a room and expected to have multiple visions.
-Psychic can suppress a vision for a short amount of time in order to be taken to a more private location, but is partially channeling the spirits during a vision.
-Psychic doesn't work well on an empty stomach.
-Visions can be hard to interpret. Psychic can make mistakes.
-Psychic requires help interpretting and staying safe during a vision, therefor can't be separated from his partner.
-More to be added (bullshitted) as needed.
Code of Conduct: Final draft
-Will follow all laws, including not harming anyone or running away.
-Will be allowed to speak and sit in front of free people. Kneeling won't be required.
-Will be allowed to have visions in front of free people assuming it doesn't break any other part of the code of conduct.
-Will be allowed to watch interrogations (with permission). Won't disrupt any interrogations unless agreed to by the officer/detective in charge.
-Will be allowed to search for spirits outside of the precinct, wherever that takes him (assuming it doesn't break other parts of the code.)
-In order to prove he can be trusted as a free person, some freedoms should be granted early while he can still be "controlled", such as not needing to be leashed within the precinct or in the presence of the police "handler".
-Punishments will only be carried out by his master, no other entities. He will not be forcibly separated from his master.
-Due to travel expenses, if the police need his services promptly, they'll pay for a cab. This will not come out of the payments towards his freedom.
-Too many restrictions will keep him from being able to interact with the spirits, impeding on his ability to assist with cases.
Here goes nothing…
Note 1:
I saw my mother today. I don't know what I feel. I didn't think I'd ever see her again. I probably won't ever see her again. Again. It's happy and sad at the same time. Rowan is hurting now after doing that. I want to help. How do you help when your master is hurting?
Note 2:
Dear Shawn, Sorry. I was scared, I didn't know what to think. I still don't know what to think. But you're right, I have a weird master. I need to learn to be a weird slave. Like you. My mother told me slaves could want things, they just couldn't let the masters know. It's why she had me. If you can be free, then do it.