It is known that funerals serve as family meeting points.
For some reason that Addison didn't understand, at funerals, family members turned into professional actors and actresses. Despite the lack of closeness with the deceased, they all played the role of grieving individuals, shedding tears, reciting endless prayers, and offering their sincerest condolences, even for distant relatives with whom they had barely kept in touch during their lives.
It didn't matter if it was a second aunt –whom she had last seen twenty years ago at a cousin's birthday and had never heard from again– or her father's cousin's wife –whose name she couldn't even remember– or her mother's second niece –whom she only knew from photographs–, they were all there.
It didn't matter if they were close or not. It didn't matter if the bond was strong or merely blood-related. They traveled long distances to be there, acting. Dressed in strict mourning, with mournful expressions and feigned tears in their eyes, approached to express their sorrow for the loss of her mother, even though the relationship they had with her was virtually non-existent.
Bizzy must have done this many times as well, of course. She was always present at these kinds of events. It showed respect and politeness.
Or commitment. It was evident that social protocol and formality dictated by society prevailed in these circumstances, regardless of the authenticity of the sentiment.
Whatever the case. It had become normalized. The entire family gathered at funerals...
But... for her ex-husband to show up –after being divorced for six years and barely in contact because he lived 960 miles away– was that normal too?
"I... didn't imagine you'd come, Derek," Addison said once he entered. She couldn't hide her expression of bewilderment.
"I'm very sorry for your loss, Addie. I found out this morning and took the first flight" he said, setting his suitcase aside. He had come directly from the airport.
Addison fell silent upon hearing those last words. Had Derek taken the first flight he could find just for her?
They had attended several funerals throughout their marriage, of course. During five years of dating and eleven years of marriage, some close people were born, and people died. And just as she had been present at all her nieces' and nephews' births –literally speaking– she had been at the funerals.
The last funeral they attended together was in Maine, in August 2003. Carolyn's older sister had passed away, and Addison traveled with him and his entire family to say goodbye. Although it was somewhat anticipated due to the advanced illness she suffered, Eleanor's loss deeply affected everyone. At 65, she was a beloved woman of her nephews and her death left a difficult void to fill.
Addison had canceled all her patients that day and had run to hug Derek as soon as she heard the news. She had hugged him throughout the entire trip, never letting go of his hand. She remembers that he had looked at her with love and had thanked her for her unwavering support. They had been each other's pillars from the beginning, and he found in her the strength to endure the first weeks of mourning.
"It was Amelia," he said, interrupting her thoughts and forcing her to look into his eyes.
"Uh?"
"Amelia told me, that's how I found out what happened... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with my presence."
"It's okay. If you want a drink, the others are in the living room."
Derek nodded and, once he hung his coat on the rack next to the front door, he followed Addison.
It felt strange to walk through that house after so many years, and at the same time, it didn't. Nothing had changed. The elegance and luxury of the residence were still evident in every corner, from the imposing paintings that adorned the walls to the designer furniture that filled the spacious rooms. The mansion exuded opulence and refinement, reflecting the good taste and social status of its owners.
"Captain, Derek's here," said Addison, without even looking at her father. She went straight to the drinks table to fetch some Scotch whisky, which she knew was her ex-husband's favorite.
All eyes in the room immediately zeroed in on him. Even though he didn't know them, everyone in practice knew who the famous Derek Shepherd was.
"Good evening..." he muttered, feeling somewhat uncomfortable at the sight of some unfamiliar faces on the sofas.
"Oh, Shepherd. You're back!" The Captain exclaimed, flashing a smile upon seeing him. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen him.
"Hello, Captain," Derek shook his hand to greet him, but his ex-father-in-law enveloped him in a warm hug. He was probably drunk because he didn't usually display such affection in public.
"I've missed you, Shepherd!" he exclaimed with a crooked smile. Yes, he had had one too many drinks.
"I've missed you too, sir."
Addison rejoined them quickly, handing Derek a glass of whiskey. He looked somewhat puzzled but accepted it.
"Addison, you shouldn't have divorced Shepherd. He's a good guy," the Captain said, not letting go of Derek.
"I think you've had too much to drink, Captain," she said, ignoring what he had just said.
"I always liked Shepherd. He's good-looking, charismatic, and, above all, a good surgeon. He..."
"Okay, if you'll excuse me. It's been a long day. I'm gonna lay down," Addison interrupted.
"I have a question first... You're all doctors in this room. Every single one of you. So how does an army of doctors let my wife die without even a good old-fashioned fight? I mean, how many hundreds of thousands of dollars did your parents waste on medical school so you could let a relatively young and healthy woman just die on your watch?" the Captain's tone was accusatory.
"It was a heart attack, Captain. It happened fast and we weren't there. I told you that," Addison said.
"I thought it was an aneurysm," he shot back.
"What?" she asked, disoriented.
"You said she died of an aneurysm," the Captain looked at her with a serious expression.
Everyone present could feel the tension in the air. Charlotte discreetly looked away; she was the only one who knew that Addison was lying, and she wasn't even good at it.
"Right. That's right," Addison said after a few seconds.
"Well, you just said it was a heart attack."
"It was an aneurysm. I'm just tired..."
"Shepherd could have operated on her aneurysm! He could have saved her life if he had been there! You should never have divorced him! Divorce ruins lives!"
"Captain, please don't do this..."
"Oh, Shepherd," Archer came in through the back door, "I thought my mother's death was the worst thing that happened to me today, but it was seeing your face again."
All the people present, including Addison, fell silent, not knowing what to say at that moment. What was one supposed to do in such situations? Laugh?
"I thought you had more important matters to attend to in Seattle, like killing pregnant women in the OR or witnessing a shooting. You know, everyday stuff," Archer continued.
"Archer..." Naomi murmured uncomfortably when she saw that neither Addison nor the Captain said anything to quiet him.
"Why are you here, by the way? You're not part of this family anymore. I thought that was made very clear when you traded my sister for a cheap intern fifteen years younger."
"I'm very sorry for your loss, Archer, but I don't want to argue. I know you're grieving and trying to vent your pain against me," Derek said calmly.
"Of course not. You don't know how I feel. I'm in perfect condition to throw you out of my house right now."
"If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna lay down," Addison said again, turning around. She didn't have the energy to deal with her brother and her ex-husband at that moment, she had already done enough of that when they were married.
"Addie, if you need to talk to someone, you know..." Naomi said softly.
"Thank you," she interrupted sharply, the last thing she wanted to do was talk to anyone, "I just need to rest. Archer, leave the guests alone."
Turning around again, she went up the stairs, leaving everyone in an uncomfortable silence. Archer laughed ironically and went upstairs as well.
"Shepherd, thank you for coming," the Captain said, taking a slow sip of whisky. "You'll always be welcome here."
"Thank you, sir."
"Bizzy would be very happy to have you here. She appreciated you a lot."
Derek forced a stiff smile and nodded. His ex-mother-in-law did like him, and that was true. During the years he had been with her daughter, he had earned the affection of her parents. How couldn't he? He was charming and fulfilled all –or almost all– the expectations they had for her.
"Not like Samuel, he... ha! Bizzy never accepted him," he chuckled, "and she was always right. Tell me why he didn't even bother showing up today."
"Excuse me?" Derek asked, confused.
All of Addison's colleagues looked at each other uneasily. Clearly, her ex-husband was not aware of her current romantic interest.
"Um, okay..." Amelia quickly interjected before the old man could say anything else, "I think it's time for all of us to go to rest."
"Yeah, that's best," Naomi affirmed.
"I'll go to the hotel. Do you have the card?" Derek asked, looking at his sister. She had made reservations for everyone.
"Hotel? Please, we have plenty of rooms to spare," the Captain said.
"I'll stay here tonight, but if you want..." Amelia began.
"Everyone will stay here," the Captain turned and went to the kitchen to refill his glass again.
~•~
Derek sighed as he climbed the stairs to the room assigned to him in the Montgomery's house.
He couldn't believe that he had run out of options, unable to say no to The Captain. He knew that his refusal would only make his ex-father-in-law feel worse, as he was already feeling bad about the situation. He didn't want to go against him, so he had chosen the easiest option: to accept and stay that night.
Entering the room, he dropped his suitcase on the bed and sat on the edge, feeling the weight of the decision he had made. What would Addison think of him staying there? Would she be upset? Or was she already upset? She didn't even seem happy to see him when she greeted him.
He hadn't expected a welcome full of balloons, laughter, and hugs. Of course not. He knew he would find her sad... but like that? Without even a facial expression? He didn't recognize her.
Maybe she was like that because she didn't want to see him. Maybe he should have asked her before taking the flight. But to him, it hadn't been necessary to think about it: Addison's mother had died, he had to go. Not out of duty or to be good, but to somehow return the support she had given him all those years when he suffered from his father's death. He owed her.
She had been his support, his shoulder to cry on, his comfort in the hardest times. She had been the one who accompanied him to the cemetery every year to leave flowers. She had been the one who caressed his hair when nostalgia attacked him. She had been the one who placed a picture of him on a chair on the day they graduated from medical school, so that Christopher could be present on the most important day of his life, and then placed the same picture in the hallway of her house in New York so that he could see it every day before going to the hospital. She had been the only one who had loved him so much without even knowing him, and who had promised to honor him by giving their first child his name.
After all that, taking a nine-hour flight to come to the funeral in Connecticut was the least he could do for her... But was it right? Was it what she wanted?
His cell phone started ringing and distracted him. He searched in his pants pocket and when he pulled it out to see who it was, the device turned off. In the rush of that morning, he had forgotten to charge it, and he wasn't sure if he had packed his charger.
Amelia probably had one. From what he had heard earlier, she was in the room across from Addison. He got up from the bed and went to look for her. Maybe something important had happened with one of his patients in Seattle and they were calling him for that. Doctors were never completely off duty.
As he walked down the long hallway, he suddenly stopped when he saw the partially open door of Addison's room. From inside came a warm light, indicating that she was still awake, even though she had said she would go to sleep.
For a moment, he was tempted to peek inside and see if she was okay or needed anything, but he knew he no longer had the right to do that. He decided to walk away and avoid any awkward encounter, but his cell phone fell from his hands at that moment and she heard the noise.
"Damn..." he murmured, bending down to pick it up. Luckily the floor was carpeted and it hadn't been damaged.
"Yes?" Addison asked from inside upon hearing the mumble.
"Oh, I... I didn't mean to disturb. I thought you were already asleep," said Derek, from behind the door.
"I can't sleep."
"I can imagine..."
"Susan is in there."
"Excuse me?" he asked, confused. He wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.
"Susan..." Addison repeated.
Derek peeked through the crack in the door and saw her sitting on the edge of her bed. She was still wearing that low-cut black dress and her pearl necklace. She was focused on looking at an urn resting on her desk.
"What did you just say?" he asked, approaching shyly.
"Susan is in there," she replied without even turning to look at him, she seemed hypnotized.
"Who?"
Addison pointed at the urn, but Derek didn't understand what she was referring to. He had met Susan, of course, he had seen her several times with Bizzy, but he had no idea about the relationship between the two.
"Susan... Bizzy's assistant, who's also her secret lover. They got married a few days ago."
"Oh..."
Derek didn't know what to say at that moment. A secret lover? Was Bizzy a lesbian? Since when?
"I had her cremated at her request, and they delivered the urn today. It's pretty don't you think?"
"Uhm, okay. Ahem..."
"Cremation is such a strange thing..."
"Addison..." he said, somewhat nervous. He didn't feel comfortable in her childhood room. It was the first time he had entered there without being her partner, and he didn't feel right about staying.
"I don't think I'd wanna be cremated…Except for the poetry of it. The Biblical allusion… Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. That's nice."
"I think you need to rest, Addie. I'll go..."
"I don't wanna be cremated. Maybe I'll donate my body to science… Remember our cadaver in medical school?"
"Uh, yes. Of course, I remember," he said, giving a small smile.
"We called him Mr. Mulligan."
"Mulligan, yes," he was impressed by Addison's good memory. It had been twenty years and she still remembered that.
"I have no idea why."
"It was my idea."
"Oh, right. You named him after your favorite math teacher... Mr. Mulligan... Remember what we did with him when we were done?"
"We gave him a memorial service. We thanked him for his sacrifice and his contribution to our education."
"God, we were earnest."
"We lit candles..."
"That was nice... is nice. I think I'll do that. I'll donate my body to science."
After saying that, Addison rose from the bed as if she were a programmed robot, and took the urn in her hands.
"Where are you going?" Derek asked.
"Don't think I can sleep with Susan in the room."
Turning around, she disappeared into the darkness of the hallway.
~•~
Having Susan in the room was not the only thing preventing Addison from falling asleep.
The absence of Sam, the unexpected presence of Derek... one hadn't even sent her a text message and the other had shown up after three years without seeing him.
She had many questions swirling in her mind. But no. Now she didn't have time to think about the two of them. In a few hours, when the funeral mass was to take place, she would have to go up to the pulpit to read the eulogy that she had not yet begun to write.
She had taken a notebook and a pen and had started to jot down some words, but none convinced her. What was said in eulogies?
She knew that words of admiration, appreciation, and recognition were expressed toward a person. The positive qualities, achievements, and contributions of the person were usually highlighted, expressing gratitude and respect for their presence and trajectory... But what should she say?
Should she say that Bizzy was a mother who didn't even allow her to call her mom? That she never congratulated her on her achievements? That she never showed pride in her children? That she always criticized her hairstyles or eating habits? That she didn't even bother to travel when her oldest son was on the brink of death in Seattle? That she didn't even send her condolences when she divorced Derek? That she was married to her father for over forty years just for appearances? That she never said, "I love you"? Which of all those things should she say?
She decided to go downstairs to get a glass of red wine, maybe alcohol would awaken her creativity. Some poets weren't inspired that way?
When she reached the kitchen, she ran into Charlotte, who was looking for something in the refrigerator.
"Sorry, I was just… Cooper needs a little something to help him sleep."
"So do I."
Addison took a glass from one of the cabinets. She walked to the counter, took two half-empty bottles of wine, and brought them to the table. She uncorked one of the wines and poured herself a glass.
"Well, you shouldn't drink alone," said Charlotte, taking a can of diet lemon soda. "To Bizzy."
"Right. To Bizzy," she raised her glass and clinked it against Charlotte's can to toast. "How are you with words?" she asked after taking a long sip.
"Sorry?"
"I have to write a eulogy by tomorrow and could use a little help... Are you a good writer?"
"No," she laughed slightly, "Not really. Plus, I didn't really know Bizzy.
Addison took another sip of wine.
"No one did."
"Maybe don't write it. Maybe just get up there and, you know, speak from the heart."
Addison started to laugh sarcastically. Speak from the heart? Bizzy would never have done something like that for her, nor would she have expected her to.
"Sorry," she apologized upon seeing Charlotte's confused expression, "She did this to me, you know. This is her final insult. Her final cruelty. To pick me to stand up in front of everyone and lie…"
"You really think you have to lie?"
"Believe me, nobody wants to hear the truth..." she muttered, stroking the rim of the now empty glass.
"You mean that your mother killed herself?"
Addison looked at her with fear. For a moment, she felt like her blood had frozen. Had her lie been too obvious? She had never been good at hiding it.
"I'm the hospital administrator. I saw the death certificate," Charlotte quickly clarified. "For what it's worth, I'm really sorry."
Addison took the glass and quickly got up from the table. She felt uncomfortable. She didn't want to talk about it, it was too embarrassing.
"I can't imagine how it must feel… So if you wanna talk, I'm your gal. And even if you don't, my lips are sealed. Either way, tomorrow in that chapel, you stand up and say whatever the hell you want."
Addison looked at her with tear-filled eyes, making a great effort to hold back the tears. How long would she continue pretending to be strong when clearly she wasn't?
"Funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. They're to help us survive when it feels like the grief might just kill us. Tomorrow's for you, Addison. You hear me? Say whatever the hell you want."
~•~
The mass had begun at eight-thirty in the morning. The funeral service had placed the open casket with Bizzy near the altar, next to a large photograph with a floral arrangement on top.
Addison was sitting in the front pew on the left side of the chapel, between Archer and the Captain. Her hair was in a bun and she wore a black dress with a straight neckline, just as elegant as the previous one. She had packed three in her suitcase, one for each day.
In the second row were Naomi, Derek, and Amelia, and behind them Charlotte, Pete, and Cooper. All dressed in black.
Addison wasn't paying attention to the mass. Her eyes were closing from the cumulative tiredness of several days without rest. The night before, she had stayed up late finishing the eulogy. Improvisation had never been her thing, so she had finished writing her short speech on a page torn from her agenda at three in the morning.
"Dear Lord, take back the soul of Beatrice Forbes Montgomery," said the priest, concluding the ceremony, "Amen."
Everyone present responded with an amen in unison.
"And now, Bizzy's daughter, Addison, will say a few words."
The man stepped down from the lectern to give Addison the floor, but she didn't even hear him. She was disconnected from what was happening. People turned to look at her, but she didn't even register their gazes. She was so exhausted.
"Addison..." Amelia was the only one who touched her arm and made her turn around.
At first, she was confused, waiting for Amelia to speak to her, but seeing Derek and Naomi's faces, she realized that everyone was waiting for her. The moment had arrived.
She quickly cleared her throat and walked to the microphone with her speech in hand, as if nothing had happened.
Silence filled the chapel as everyone waited with anticipation. She looked at Charlotte with a little fear and waited for her approval to begin. With a firm and clear voice, she started reading her words.
"My mother told us that we should never cry in public. The Forbeses didn't do that. If we needed to shed tears, it should be in the privacy of one's own home. Even better, in the privacy of our own room. I'm going to do my best to honor that today. In her 62 years, Bizzy taught me and my brother a lot of things. For as long as I can remember, she always told us never to settle for second best. It wasn't enough to be good at something, we had to be standouts at whatever we did. Bizzy didn't believe that every camper should get a feather. My mother threw herself into everything. She did more volunteer work than anyone I know. She was also a leading member of the Greenwich Society. She was president of the Junior League for almost 20 years. She also ran the Chamber of Commerce book sale every year. But even though her volunteer duties kept her extremely busy, she always had time for her family."
The captain closed his eyes and struggled to contain a laugh, knowing that his daughter was lying.
"She was also very good at sports. She held the state high school record for the 50-yard backstroke. That record was only recently broken this year…"
Cooper looked at Pete, raising his eyebrows, surprised by what they were hearing. Did Addison really say those kinds of things?
"My mother was a woman who believed in accomplishment above all else. I think she remained true to that belief until the day she died. May she rest in peace."
Addison finished her speech and as people applauded, she left the chapel with a lump in her throat.
~•~
"You have to talk to her, Derek," said Amelia, collecting the dirty dishes in the Montgomerys' kitchen.
"What should I say?"
"I don't know! Anything. You're the person who knows Addison the most out of all of us here. Doesn't her behavior bother you a little? It's not normal!"
"Addison has a reaction that matches the type of trauma she just experienced. I don't want to make her feel worse."
"Didn't you hear the bullshit praise she said? It was nonsense. Who the hell cares that Bizzy had a swimming record in high school? Or that she presided over the book fair? Those are stupid things! She never talked about her feelings, about what her mother meant to her. I know they didn't have the best relationship, but... those aren't feelings. Addison is acting as if she's a smiling machine, welcoming people and drinking alcohol like it's water."
Derek turned around and saw her, she was in the living room talking to a man who he supposed was her uncle. She had a champagne glass in hand and a creepy smile drawn on her face. She hardly blinked.
"If she continues to repress her feelings... if she keeps acting as if nothing happened... I... don't know what will happen to her. And I'm worried about her well-being. Talk to her. She needs to talk to someone and... and I don't have the strength to do it."
"Hey, excuse me..." said Pete, entering the kitchen with his dirty plate.
"Give it to me, I'll take care of it," said Amelia, taking the plate.
"I'll talk to her..." whispered Derek and left the room.
"You've surprised me..." said Pete once they were alone. "I mean, most of the time, you seem..."
"Immature? Irresponsible?"
"I was gonna say ridiculous, but you've stepped up."
"Addison is like my sister... And she is in so much pain underneath that frozen grin that I can barely breathe looking at her, shopping and cleaning is all I can think to do to help."
"Dr. Pete..." said The Captain, approaching, pointing at him with his glass. "You know, Violet was kind to me… and it was the first kindness that anyone had shown me in a long time…" he said, placing a hand on his arm. Pete quickly pulled away from his grasp.
"She's like that."
"We're both damaged. Kindred spirits, really..."
Amelia turned around and looked at him with wide-open eyes, unable to hide her surprise. She didn't expect to hear that from Addison's father.
"You know, I'm trying as hard as I can to be appropriate, but you talking about my wife..."
"She wasn't always your wife."
"I'm sure that came out wrong, didn't it?" said Amelia, approaching the two.
"Look, I know you're grieving, but you cannot talk about Violet that way."
"Don't tell me what to do in my own house."
Pete took a deep breath and headed towards the exit. Despite the anger boiling within him, he restrained himself, aware that this was not the right time or place to cause a scene. After all, they were at Addison's mother's funeral, and both deserved to show a minimum of respect.
However, before he could leave the door, a voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Coward," The Captain called out disdainfully.
Those words were like a spark that ignited the fury within Pete. While he had managed to maintain composure up to that point, that direct accusation was the last straw. With determination, Pete turned towards The Captain.
"Coward?" he retorted, approaching "You stayed in a marriage you knew wasn't real for 40 years and you're calling me a coward?"
In a fit of rage, The Captain threw a punch straight at Pete's face, but he managed to dodge it. The older man was destabilized by the sudden movement and his forehead hit the edge of the wall, causing him to quickly fall to the ground from the impact.
At first, an overwhelming silence filled the room. Pete stood still, watching as The Captain lay on the floor with a hand covering the wound that had begun to bleed. Amelia rushed to help him, and, even though the man was embarrassed, he accepted the help from both.
~•~
Derek had waited for everyone to go to sleep to talk to Addison. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but he wanted to let her know that he was going to be there for her. He may not be her husband anymore, but as Amelia had said, he knew her too much. He had been by her side for more than a third of her life, which was not insignificant.
Just like the night before, he walked through the hallway to her room, and when he arrived, he knocked on the door softly.
"Yes?" she responded from inside.
"Uhm... it's Derek. Can I... come in?"
"Yes. It's open."
Derek opened the door carefully and entered. Addison was sitting on the edge of the bed again, with her back straight and her hands resting on her knees. She was staring at Susan's urn, which she had brought back to her room.
"I don't know what to do with Susan. I feel bad that she wasn't at the memorial..." she sighed, "I just keep moving her from one room to another."
"It was a nice eulogy today..."
She turned her face to look at him.
"Thank you," she smiled automatically again. Her cheekbones rose and her lips curved, but her eyes remained unchanged. It was as if they were paralyzed.
"Now I want to hear the real one."
"I need a drink," she said, quickly getting up from the bed.
"I want to hear the real eulogy," he repeated with a firmer tone.
"Derek..."
"You need to talk to someone, Addison."
"I'm fine."
"Of course, you're not. Do you think that pretending all over the place with that eerie smile is fine? Do you think that being fine is walking with a glass of alcohol like it's a prosthesis, an extension of your hand? Is that fine? You scare me, Addie. I've never seen you like this."
"What do you want, Derek?" she asked with a choked voice. Her facade was beginning to crumble.
"I want you to express yourself. I want you to cry, to scream if you want, to let out the emotions that are locked inside of you. You're not a stone, Addie. I know you, you're not this."
Tears began to gather in Addison's eyelids. With what right did he come and tell her how to behave after her mother's death?
"Get out of my room."
"No."
"Get out!"
"No!" he repeated louder.
"You're not my husband, you're not my family. You're nothing of mine! Get out of my house!" she screamed in a torn voice. Tears began to escape one after another from her eyes and she couldn't stop them no matter how hard she tried.
"I won't go anywhere."
"Get out like you did when I needed you the most! Go!"
Addison let out a heartbreaking sob and Derek, in a desperate and almost thoughtless act, enveloped her in his arms, holding her tightly. She clung to him, unleashing all the pain that had been building up inside her for days. Her screams were devastating as if she were not only letting out her tears but also a part of her wounded soul.
"My mother died, Der..." she exclaimed while still crying.
"I know, Addie."
"Bizzy died! My mother died!"
Derek didn't let go of her, he held her firmly, as if he feared that if he let her go, she would never be able to stand up again.
She clung more tightly on to him, seeking comfort in his arms. Her sobs echoed in the room, mingling with her broken words. He could imagine the pain she was feeling at that moment when her father died, he had also felt like he was drowning in despair and sadness. He was determined to be there for her, to support her amid her emotional storm.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Addison's crying subsided. She pulled away slightly from Derek, looking at him with eyes red and inflamed from crying.
"I'm sorry. I don't want you to see me like this..." she said weakly, still trembling.
"You don't have to apologize," Derek responded calmly, softly caressing her cheek.
"I must look like a monster," she made a small lopsided smile.
"You look beautiful," he smiled affectionately.
And at that moment, Addison didn't know if it was the compliment, his smile, his hands holding her firmly, or the entire situation itself, but an electric impulse pushed her to cup his face with both hands and trap his lips with hers.
Derek remained still for a moment, surprised by her reaction, but instead of pulling away, he immediately responded to the kiss.
It had been so long since the last time they had kissed. Much had changed since then, but feeling her mouth against his, it was as if time went back.
Her lips were still sweet, even softer than he remembered. The sensation of feeling them move in sync with his felt addictive. He didn't know how much he had missed kissing her until now.
Neither of them wanted to stop, but reality struck Derek hard, reminding him that they were doing something wrong.
"Addie, Addie..." he sighed, pulling away from her face, "we can't do this," he said firmly, although his voice trembled slightly.
Addison bit her lower lip, averting her gaze in embarrassment. She knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier.
"I... I'm sorry. I'm so stupid," she said quietly, barely above a whisper. She couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes, although she knew it was completely justified. What she had done was wrong. She was in a relationship with Sam and Derek was with Meredith. That didn't change even though her mother had died; it wasn't an exception.
"Don't worry. I think... I think it's best if I go back to my room," he stepped back, forcing himself to keep his distance.
"Yes..."
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked before leaving.
"Yes..."
He nodded and without looking back at her, he went back down the same hallway he came from.
Of course, she wasn't going to be okay.