It's not fair.

It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

It's not fucking fair!

I won, right?! Everything was going great! Hikigaya stopped Rem from killing me and everything! And he himself wasn't killed! Everyone lived! The pain and suffering that I've been through should have been enough.

No, no - it was enough!

I lived. I fucking lived.

I'd broken free of this fresh hell that my damn Return by Death put me through.

Then that White Whale just had to come and ruin everything.

What kind of bullshit was that thing anyway?! Erasing someone from history, who comes up with that?! To think that something like that is just out there, waiting for whatever poor sucker it comes across…Hell, the people here don't even know how many people have died to it, because it keeps erasing them!

And then there's that Archbishop guy! What kind priest does that?! He sounded just like some narcissist asshole that did it for kicks for fuck's sake!

The way he moved, faster than I could even react to, the way he just crushedmyheadinhisbareh-

I frantically brought my hands up to my face, feeling inexplicably panicked at the darkness that had covered my vision. Two of them, a set, still inside my head. Right, right. My eyes are still here. I just closed them for a second, right.

Fuck!

I bit down on my tongue as I laid down in my bed. I grabbed a pillow and started screaming into it. I felt my own nails cut into my palms as I held them into tense fists.

It's been ten minutes.

It's been ten minutes since I came into this room.

That is, it's been ten minutes for everyone but me.

I've seen this room for nearly a month now. I've died more times in this mansion than I did in the capital.

And now I have to do it again.

It's just not fair.

I don't know how long I spent in my room. I lost too much track of time. I didn't even meet Roswaal, didn't make the proposal to be his butler. I just didn't have the energy.

It reminded me of how I spent my days in my old world.

I hate it.

This was supposed to be a fresh start. A fantastic world where I could be the hero, where I could be something other than a NEET. And yeah, maybe I was.

I sure don't feel like it.

Some people would say that I am the hero. That nobody can do what I could do. I mean, they're right, in that sense. I could've certainly done a lot worse with the knowledge and advantages that Return by Death gave me.

Frankly, I would tell those people to fuck right off.

They don't realize just how terrifying it is. Humans live their entire lives running from death. Running from the final chapter of their lives, so to speak. An ending to a story, one that never changes once it happens.

Unfortunately for me, I've relived my ending way too often for my comfort.

And every single time, I wish I didn't. Each and every time, I could feel every moment of agonizing pain. Of having my limbs torn to shreds. Of having blood pour out in puddles. Of hearing my skull creakandgroanandshatterAND

Deep breath. I can't cry here. No, Emilia might come in. I can't let her see me like this. I opted to hit the wall. It hurt, but it was the good type of hurt. The one that pulled my thoughts away for just the slightest moment.

Until it faded, and I was back to wanting to cry.

I can feel my heartbeat. It's too much. I can't do this. Over and over and over again. I'm not strong. I'm not some sort of god-among men like Rein. No matter what I do, I will die. I don't have any special skills. Even if I did try to train my body, it would all be reset when - not if - I die, presumably to one of the many things that this world just threw at me.

Ah. I can feel my stomach growling. That's right, I haven't eaten anything yet. I should've eaten with Roswaal and the others by now.

I should get up.

My feet touched the floor, even as I took a glance around the room.

It was a mess. Cracked glass, shards strewn all over the floor. The painting that normally hung across from the bed was no longer there. Instead, parts of its canvas were scattered all over. A far cry from the orderliness that it had when I first came in.

I don't remember doing any of this. But it couldn't have been anyone else. I looked down at my hands. Blood, scratch marks and wounds. My feet, bleeding as well, had small shards of glass punctured into them.

I couldn't even feel the pain.

…I can deal with this later. I just want to eat.

…

Around halfway to the dining room is when I had my first obstacle. And if things were to go on, I figured it would be my last.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Rem stood in front of me. She didn't hold anything in her hands, unlike those times where she would confront me with that morningstar of hers. She was glaring at me as we both stood in the hallway.

"I was hungry." I told her simply.

Normally, I would have been scared. In all my loops, encountering Rem like this was a death flag. And that death would likely come in less than five minutes, unless by some stroke of luck, someone else came along.

Right now, I didn't care. Given everything else, Rem threatening to kill me just seemed…petty. Small, in comparison. The Whale, that Archbishop, either of those two were much more threatening than Rem.

It helped that I couldn't truly be angry at her. Over the loops, I've managed to collect the various bits and pieces of Rem and Ram's story, and I couldn't bring myself to hate them after that.

Their village had been destroyed by the Witch Cult. Something about me dying and using Return by Death makes me smell like a cultist. The maids were both under orders to not do anything to me, but Rem was willing to risk it to keep the people in the mansion safe from whatever 'plan' I had.

My thoughts were interrupted when the maid suddenly pushed me into a wall, lifting me up by the neck. Instinctually, I started to flail around, trying to get air into my lungs. I started trying to grab at the hand gripping onto me, only for my hands to slip due to the blood around them.

"Roswaal-sama and Nee-sama might think that you're not worth the trouble, but I know you're just up to something."

I tried to talk. No use. The hand on my neck started to get tighter, my vision blurring into darkness.

"I know the truth, though. Whatever it is you're doing, I will put a stop to this. You will not bring harm to anyone so long as I am here, cultist."

"Enough of this."

Rocks the size of my head, accompanied by a tired and familiar voice. They slammed into Rem, knocking her away. The hand on my neck gave way, and I fell straight down as I took in as much air as I could. I turned my head towards the other end of the hallway.

Hikigaya was standing there, a bunch of papers in his hand. He had this look in his eye that honestly scared the hell out of me, more so than even Rem's threats.

"Hikigaya-san." From the corner of my eye, I could see Rem stand up as if nothing was wrong, "I-"

"I don't want to hear it." He glared at Rem one last time, before motioning his head to the side, "Kindly, and with no respect whatsoever, fuck off."

"Hikigaya-san, pl-"

"I. Said. Fuck. Off." He punctuated this by slamming his foot down. Spires of earth shot up near Rem, stopping just before it actually hit her. There was a tense silence between the three of us.

"...As you wish."

She didn't spare me a glance as she left. The two of us watched her go, turning the corner as if nothing untoward had happened.

I felt my body relax just the slightest. I felt it before I realized what was happening. Between the blood loss and the sudden burst and subsequent fading of adrenaline, coupled with a lack of food, I felt way too tired for this.

The last thing I heard before I passed out was the sound of Hikigaya muttering curses.

My eyes opened. At first, I thought I had died again, and that I was back in that carriage, traveling for the first time to Roswaal's mansion. Then, I felt the tightness on my hands and feet, and the room that I was in.

Bandages were wrapped all around the wounds I had given myself. They were red with blood, and they stung.

I was in the same room as always, with the mess I had made cleaned up. There was not a trace of shattered glass that I could see, and even the windows had been fully replaced.

There was a tray of food, and some water placed next to my end table. Thankfully, it wasn't steamed potatoes. I could feel my stomach growl even more, having not eaten last night. I greedily dove into the steak, and though it was cold, its taste more than made up for it.

That said, three bites in and the reality of what had happened seeped back in, and I was no longer hungry.

I was pathetic.

I am pathetic.

What kind of person just accepts that they were going to die like that? Because, despite my short struggle against Rem, I really did accept it. That she was going to crush my throat and choke me out.

"That's what I want to know."

I jumped in my bed, nearly spilling the tray of food I had on my lap.

The door had opened without me noticing, and in the doorway stood Hikigaya. He looked annoyed as he entered the room. He grabbed a chair, placing it at the foot of the bed, and sat down, all while staring at me like I was in trouble.

I felt like I was staring at my teacher after I had done something really bad, to be honest.

"What the fuck was that?"

"What was what?" I nervously scratched at my bandages, hoping that Hikigaya would just leave, "And hey, how'd you know what I was thinking anyway?"

"You were talking to yourself. Now don't change the subject. What happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bullshit, Natsuki. You start walking in the hallway, with a trail of blood by the way, get caught in the middle by a maid, almost choked to death, then pass out. This was after you had that little manic episode when we got here, missed meeting with the margrave, then locked yourself in a room. The same room that was completely trashed. With which, I can see now, that most of your injuries were self-inflicted. So, answer me, Natsuki. What the fuck is happening to you?"

It took a moment for Hikigaya's words to sink in.

He must've known when it did. It would've been hard to miss a grown teenager like myself suddenly bursting out crying.

"I can't do this, Hikigaya. I can't, I can't, I can't! I'm not strong like you guys, I can't help you guys the way I know I need to, and I don't even know what I can do!"

"Oi…" Hikigaya started uncertainly. I didn't stop.

"No matter what I do, it's always something else! If it's not Rem, it's the Whale, or the Archbishop, or me just being fucking stupid! Every single time, and it hurts, it hurts real bad! Why does it have to hurt?! I don't want to hurt, Hikigaya! But-" I breathed heavily.

"But that's the thing, isn't it?" I continued, my voice shaky. "I keep thinking that if I just work harder, if I endure more, maybe I can fix everything. Maybe I can save everyone. But every time I try, it's like the world just throws more at me. It's like no matter what I do, I can't escape it!"

I started panting after that. I felt a brief sense of relief at having said all that, to get that weight off my chest.

Hikigaya was quiet. It was nerve wracking. Even though I had basically just dumped this completely out of nowhere, I still expected some sort of response.

Finally, I watched him sigh. He looked up to the ceiling, his eyes unfocusing for the briefest of moments.

"I can't believe I'm doing this…" In the silence of the room, I could hear him mutter under his breath. I let out the tiniest laugh at that.

"Listen up, kid." He stared back down at me. His eyes were what I would've liked to see in the mirror. Focused, determined.

"I don't exactly know what you're going through, or hell, what even prompted that whole song and dance." I opened my mouth, to tell him what, I don't know. He lifted his own hand up in a stop motion, "Shut up and listen."

I nodded reluctantly.

"It's human nature to struggle. It's human nature to suffer. It's human nature to feel like you don't have anywhere else to go. That you should just give up, let that suffering end. And I'm going to tell you, right now, that you're free to do that."

My head shot up, and I could feel my eyes widen, "Wha-"

Was…was he really just telling me to give up, just like that?

Hikigaya shrugged, "It's also human nature to avoid whatever it is that hurts them. Be it physical, emotional, or psychological. I wouldn't blame you if you tried to do that, especially if it's been tearing into you like that. But, answer me this - are you prepared to suffer the consequences?"

"The consequences?"

"From the way you were talking about helping us, and I don't know what you're even talking about there, something will happen if you stop. Frankly, I know I can take care of myself, should the situation arise, but I can't say about the others. Are you able to bear the consequences of stopping now?"

"But…but what if it's the consequences of continuing that I don't want?"

"Every action, and every inaction has consequences. It's up to each person to pick their poison."

"And if I can't bear either of them?"

"You will. Everyone bears the consequences. Some are more different than others, some are reluctant. Some are forced to do so. Regardless, the actions of your past will always affect the person that you are now. Source: me."

"...You know, this isn't very inspiring." I had to chuckle out loud, weaker than my normal laughs.

"It isn't supposed to be." Hikigaya actually snorted with me, "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah. I, I think I know what to do. Thanks."

There were two things that could happen. If I were to stop and run away now, then everyone dies. Everyone in the mansion will die to the Whale once it gets here. Crusch and her entire party would be dead long before even that, and nobody would even remember them. Even Old Man Rom, Felt, and even Hikigaya would die to that Archbishop.

In exchange, I live. I live with the regret that I could've done something, but didn't.

On the other hand, I could keep using Return by Death. I could suffer more and more, and in exchange, my friends would live.

The answer was already obvious. I just couldn't look past my own suffering.

No, that was wrong. It's like Hikigaya said, it's human nature to avoid whatever hurts people. I was just being human.

It wasn't selfish to not want to be hurt. It's not bad to try and avoid it.

I'm only human.

…Heh. Hikigaya always acts like he's an asshole, but any time I've needed his help in my loops, he almost always comes through, even though I sometimes didn't ask him. Maybe that's why he and Rein were friends? Both were helpful, just one was more tsundere than the other. Ha! Now that's a thought!

Friends.

Yeah, I think I'd consider him a friend too, after this.

"Hey, Hikigaya, I have something to tell you."

"Sorry, but I'm straight."

"Wait, what?! NO! Gross, dude!"

"Ah. Then what is it?"

I took a breath. Yeah, Hikigaya, Emilia, Rein. These three, I could trust. Ram, once I can get to know her in this loop. Beako as well. Roswaal, maybe. Rem might take a while more. Regardless, I have friends that I can count on, that I could trust.

"I have this power, you see. I call it Return by Death." I felt a sudden lurch in my heart. I ignored it.

"Wait, let me stop you right there." Hikigaya held up a hand, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Then, as if a light bulb went in his head, he spoke up once more, "Save states. That's how you knew about Granhiert and the mabeasts."

I blinked in response, "Huh. You got that fast. How'd you do that."

"Circumstantial evidence, and you knowing a bit too much the first time we met, and yet not knowing enough. And the 'by Death' part of it implies that.-"

"Yeah," I grimaced, though the satisfaction of having someone know about my powers really relieved me. I will need to tell at least Emilia later, as well as Rein when I'm back in the capital, "It means that to activate it, I need to di-"

The world froze.

I couldn't move. My eyes were stuck on Hikigaya's form.

Miasma from everywhere and nowhere.

A black hand.

Terror.

Fear,

Love.

I saw the hand near Hikigaya's chest, slipping like his flesh and bones weren't there.

I saw it pull out a phantom heart.

Crushed.

The world resumed.

A sickening crunch. Blood. Choking. I watched with wide eyes and a scream in my throat as Hikigaya collapsed. His entire chest had been torn open, and his heart had been pulled out onto the floor.

I was still screaming when Rem burst in, her morningstar at the ready. She took one look at the still cooling corpse of my friend before she flung her weapon at me.

I didn't bother dodging.

What was that?

What was that? What was that? Whatwasthatwhatwasthatwhatwasthat?!

That…thing. It came out after I told Hikigaya about Return by Death. Was it something to do with my ability?

I don't know. Idon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknow.

"Subaru? Are you okay?"

I was back in the carriage.

"I'm fine, Emilia-tan."

I can't risk telling other people about Return by Death. I can't risk that thing coming out again. Which means, I'll have to do this alone.

I took a glance at Hikigaya.

Consequences. Consequences and actions. I don't want the consequence of telling someone of my ability, and I don't want the consequences that would happen if I don't do anything. Which meant, I needed to do this alone.

The lives of the people I've come to care about depended on me, even if they don't know it yet.

I felt a trill of excitement, and more than a healthy dose of dread overcome me once I realized that.

A/N: So, I want to clarify one thing: Hikigaya can't feel the loops, but he can definitely see how Subaru reacts every time he gets back.

If you like what I do and want to support me, check out my P-atreon at P-atreon•com(slash)Almistyor.

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And a special thanks to: Oliver vazquez, brutalcrab and Tassimo.