The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. In today's review, the Mayhem Critic tackles the holiday season. What better to start the holiday season off is to review the classic Christmas movie, Home Alone. As before,I owned nothing involved in these episodes and all material belongs to their respective sources. So here it is, episode two of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
Episode Two: Home Alone (Part I)
Sean enters the living room and sits down on the couch, drinking some coffee from out of his Kylo Ren coffee mug. He sighs as he picks up the remote from off of the coffee table, turning on the television only to see a Christmas movie playing on Hallmark Channel in the middle of November.
"We now return to Christmas in the Heartland. Only on the Hallmark Channel." The announcer said.
"Oh, come on. I wanted to watch Murder, She Wrote. Not Christmas movies. It's too early for that." Sean said, picking up the remote again, changing the channel to Disney Channel. "Maybe Girl Meets World is on."
"It's finally here. I'm Peyton Elizabeth Lee from Andi Mack. And you're watching Fa-La-La-Lidays on Disney Channel." The Andi Mack actress said.
"Son of a bitch. Why are they showing Christmas stuff in November? It's too early. I need to listen to some music. Maybe some Kenny Loggins would do to help me unwind." Sean said as he turns the television off and turns the radio on, only to hear The Twelve Days of Christmas playing. The young critic's eyes widened as he screamed in terror before picking up his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol and shoots at the radio.
Sean once again is seen sitting behind his desk, getting ready to start his next review. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one. People, why are we trying to start Christmas early? Couldn't you just wait till Thanksgiving is over? Hell, the Hallmark Channel and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries started showing Christmas movies in October. You see, I usually wait till after Thanksgiving or I start on December to watch my Christmas shows. And preparing for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. But today's review deals with family." Sean said before cutting to a clip of today's review.
Kevin (Played by Macauley Culkin): This house is so full of people, it makes me sick!
"Togetherness." Sean said.
Kate (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life.
"And goodwill towards all men." Sean said.
Marv (Played by Daniel Stern): (Screams like a girl after a tarantula is placed on his face.
"Okay, today's example is rather unconventional. But what's there to say about Home Alone?" Sean asked as clips from Home Alone start playing. "It became the highest-grossing comedy film of all time in the United States. A little history about Home Alone, originally it was a Warner Bros. production until 20th Century Fox took over, the budget grew from $14 to $17 million. Director Chris Columbus' work on Home Alone began several years earlier when the late John Hughes helped him secure a directing job for National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Well, things ended poorly because of a clash between Columbus and Chevy Chase, leading to Columbus to leave the project. Hughes gave him the script and he accepted it. Now, to choose the lead role, so Hughes picked Macauley Culkin, who starred in a little movie that Hughes directed called Uncle Buck. But yeah, here's the thing about Home Alone, it's so popular that we accidentally made it the definitive Christmas movie. Despite the fact that the movie is quite violent and a bit profane for a PG movie.
Kevin: Ass.
Uncle Frank (Played by Gerry Bamman): Jerk!
Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): Butt. Ass.
Harry: Damn.
Buzz: Jerk.
Marv: Shit.
(A clip from The Good Son plays)
Henry (Played by Macauley Culkin): Don't fuck with me.
"Okay, I'm kidding. That last clip was from The Good Son." Sean said. "This film still has the heart and soul to it combined with slapstick humor makes this the greatest Christmas movie ever. So, without further ado, here's Home Alone.
(A poster parodying the Home Alone movie poster with Sean as Kevin shows up before the review starts)
Sean: (Narration) Our film opens in a quiet little suburb in Chicago where the McCallister family are preparing to spend Christmas in Paris. Peter and Kate's youngest son, Kevin is a little short on things to do, until….
Aunt Leslie (Played by Terrie Snell): You're getting heavy. Go pack your suitcase.
Kevin: (Breaks the fourth wall) Pack my suitcase?
(Cuts to the next scene)
Sondra: Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?
Fuller: I don't live here!
"Wait a minute. I know this is an odd thing to nitpick on but why did they cut to this scene? I mean saying something dramatic is an odd thing to lead on." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
Aunt Leslie: Go pack your suitcase.
Sean: (Looking helpless) Pack my suitcase? Mom!
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, since Kevin's a little clueless in the art of packing a suitcase, he asks his older siblings for some help but they start to ridicule him.
Megan (Played by Hillary Wolf): You're completely helpless.
Linnie (Played by Angela Goethals): Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know mom's not gonna pack your suitcase. You're what the French called, "Les Incompetent".
Kevin: What?
"Oh, really? You're what the French called les fuck you!" Sean said, whipping out two middle fingers.
Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink he'll wet the bed.
Sean: (V/O) Ewww! So, he's the drunk guy who peed on his bed from World's Dumbest Partiers. My god, what's with this family? They're being a bunch of assholes to this kid who doesn't know how to pack a suitcase.
Kevin: This house is so full of people, it makes me sick!
"Yeah! You tell 'em, Kevin!" Sean cheered.
Kevin: When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.
"Yeah, wait what the fu…? What are you talking about?" Sean asked, raising his arms.
Kevin: Do you hear me? (Jumps up and down) I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
"I'm not sure how those wedding vows would work." Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is the groom and a brunette female named Alex is the bride are getting married while a priest is going over their vows.)
Priest: Sean, do you take Alexandra to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part? P.S.: Alex should stay the fuck out of your property.
Sean and Alex: Huh?
Priest: Just say "I do."
Sean: (Narration) While Kevin is throwing a mini temper tantrum like a customer from Hardcore Pawn, we meet his older brother Buzz….
(A photo of Buzz Cooper Sr. from the soap opera Guiding Light pops up.)
Sean: (V/O) Wrong Buzz.
(A photo of Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story pops up)
Sean: (V/O) No.
(A photo of astronaut Buzz Aldrin pops up.
Sean: (V/O) That's Buzz Aldrin!
(A photo of Bubsy Bobcat pops up)
Sean: (V/O) Oh, Christ! I didn't say Bubsy Fucking Bobcat!
(A photo of Buzz's portrayer Devin Ratray pops up)
Sean: (V/O) Thank you.
Rod (Played by Jedidiah Cohen): Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod: Some don't.
Buzz: But they got nude beaches.
Rod: Not in the winter.
"Interesting question. Do French babes shave their pits. That's a question for all ages. What is the meaning of life? Who shot JR? Who shot Mr. Burns? Who shot Roger Thorpe? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Do French babes shave their pits? The world may never know." Sean said before cutting back to the scene.
Kevin: Buzz.
Buzz: Don't you know how to knock, phlem-wad?
Kevin: Could I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my butt!
"Goddamn it! I did it again! Why is it every time I hear bad dubbing I keep playing the edited version?!" Sean asked, taking the edited-for-TV version of Home Alone out from the VHS player, then switches to his Blu-Ray to play the DVD.
Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my ass!
Sean: (V/O) Ah, there we go.
Buzz: Hey, check it out. Old Man Marley.
(Buzz, Rod and Kevin walk over to the window to see Old Man Marley, played by the late Roberts Blossom, shoveling the snow.)
Rod: Who's he?
Buzz: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod: No.
"The South Bend Shovel Slayer? Oh, god. How could you not have heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer? This guy has his own Facebook page. Don't believe me, check it out." Sean said, picking up his tablet and showing the South Bend Shovel Slayer's Facebook page. "And by the way, don't go out at night."
Buzz: He walks up and down the street every night salting the sidewalks.
(A clip from the Cheers season ten episode Bar Wars VI: This Time It's For Real starts playing)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt) That bastard! Let's get him!
(Marley looks up at the boys)
Rod: Look out!
(They close the drapes and run)
Sean yelps like a girl and ducks under his desk. "Is he gone? Good. Anyway after Old Man Marley scares the kids off, it's pizza time!"
(The scene cuts to Buzz stuffing his face with pizza)
Kevin: (After looking for the cheese pizza) Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Buzz: Oh, yeah we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up and it's gone.
"Ewww! Disgusting! Give the kid his cheese pizza. I know I get a little finicky if I don't get my pepperoni pizza.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Alex, Nicole and Carson are in the kitchen eating pizza. Sean enters the kitchen to look for the pepperoni pizza.)
Sean: Hey, where's the pepperoni pizza.
Carson: We ate all of the pepperoni pizza.
Nicole: All that's left is the cheese pizza.
(Brian enters with a bottle of root beer and sausage pizza.)
Brian: Hey, who wants root beer and sausage pizza?
Sean: I hate sausage pizza!
(Sean throws an Angry Grandpa-style temper tantrum by throwing the cheese pizzas down on the floor.)
Aunt Leslie: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi.
(Fuller, played by Macauley's brother Kieran Culkin, sips his can of Pepsi and looks at Kevin before cutting back to Sean, who has a disgusted yet uncomfortable look on his face.)
"Uh, I don't like how his cousin Fuller is staring at him like that." Sean said before cutting back to a smiling Fuller. "He's purposely drinking loads of Pepsi to heighten his chance of wetting the bed. What? Does Fuller have a messed-up fetish for peeing on people like R. Kelly?"
Harry (Played by Joe Pesci): You're sick, you know that? You're really sick.
Sean: (Narration) Kevin gets upset at Buzz for eating the last cheese pizza and causes a ruckus. In which his family gets royally pissed at him.
Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin: Why?
Sean (Replacing Jeff): Hey Kevin, do we have any more pepperoni pizza left?
Kevin: Shut up.
Sean: No, you shut up you ungrateful little bastard!
Peter (Played by the late John Heard): Kevin, upstairs.
Sean: Don't send him upstairs! The little shit is about to get his ass beat! (Sean takes off his belt) Who the hell does he think he is to talk to me like that?
Kate: (Sending Kevin upstairs) There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one that has to make trouble.
Kevin: I'm the only one getting dumped on.
Kate: You're the only one getting punished now get upstairs.
(Kate opens the door to the third floor)
Kevin: It's scary up there.
Kate: Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
Kevin: I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him: he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.
We then cut back to Sean, who is dressed as R. Kelly while singing the chorus to the song from Chappelle's Show called I Wanna Piss on You. "Haters wanna hate. Lovers wanna love. I don't even want none of the above. I want to piss on you. Yes I do, I'll piss on you. I'll you." Sean sang.
Sean: (Narration) Then Kevin gets into an argument with his mother and says this to her.
Kevin: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate: Just stay up there! I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin: I hope I never see any of you jerks again.
(Kevin walks upstairs as Kate closes the door)
Sean: (Narration) Kevin spends the night up in the third floor, wishing that his family would just disappear before we see how windy the Windy City is.
(A branch falls on a telephone wire as the power goes out)
(Cutaway gag)
Sean: (Sitting on his couch playing Banjo-Kazooie on his Xbox One) Alright. I'm about to get all 100 notes on Rusty Bucket Bay. Almost there. Almost there.
(The power goes out, there's no more electricity in the house)
Sean: That's not fair. That's not fair at all. I was almost done. (Sobbing) I WAS ALMOST DONE!
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, the airport drivers arrive to pick up the McAllisters to take them to the airport. Kate and Peter, played by Catherine O'Hara and the late John Heard wake up only to realize this….
Kate: Peter!
(Pater and Kate both get out of bed quickly)
Peter & Kate: We slept in!
Sean: (Narration) While everybody's getting ready real quick, the airport drivers are contending with this Mitch Murphy kid.
Mitch (Played by Jeffrey Wiseman): Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Florida. Actually, we're going to Missouri to pick up my grand ma. You know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good mileage?
Van Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.
"Here's a little fun fact. Jeffrey Wiseman, the kid who played Mitch Murphy, auditioned for the role of Kevin McCallister but he didn't get the part." Sean said before cutting back to the film.
Sean: After doing a headcount and rushing to the terminal to make the flight, they forgot one minor little detail…they forgot Kevin. And because he's 8-years-old, his imagination makes him believe that his family disappeared.
Kevin: (Apprehensively) I made my family disappear.
(Kevin thinks back to family members saying bad things about him)
Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless.
Linnie: Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.
Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Sean: (Replacing Jeff) Kevin, you're the worst kind of scum on the face of the Earth! You make me sick…. Ooh! A piece of candy! (Picks up a piece of candy from off of the floor)
Kevin: (Gleefully) I made my family disappear
"Good for you, Kevin! Now, what are you going to do?" Sean asked right when we cut to Kevin ecstatically celebrating his "freedom" of living home alone before we cut back to Sean, trying to calm Kevin down. "Okay, kid. Chill. You didn't win a million dollars. Look, calm down. Jesus Christ kid! Can somebody give this kid something to calm him down?!"
(Kevin goes into Buzz's room and opens his trunk)
Kevin: Wow.
(Kevin grabs a Playboy Magazine)
Sean: (V/O) Maybe boobs will calm him down)
Kevin: (Throws the Playboy over his head) No clothes on anybody. Sickening!
"Thank God there was no internet back in 1990. If this film was made today, this is what would happen." Sean said.
(Cutaway gag)
Sean (as Kevin): (On Buzz's laptop and browsing on the internet until he finds something interesting) What's this? Brazzers Hot and Mean. Cassidy Klein and Ashley Adams. Lexi Belle and Lena Nicole All Girl Massage. Karlie Montana and Kleio Valentien lesbian session by the pool. The Collective Works of Eva Angelina. I have to check it out.
(Minutes later, Sean is sitting at his desk. His eyes widened in surprise to what he's seen)
Sean: (Looks down, then looks back up) I… I have to watch that again.
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narration) So Kevin enjoys solo life as he attempts a crazy stunt by going down the stairs in a sled, doing some target practice with his brother's BB gun, eating junk food and watching violent gangster films. What a sweet life.
(The theme song to The Suite Life on Deck starts playing)
"No, no, no! Turn it off!" Sean yelled as the song stops playing.
Sean: (Narration) Later that night, two crooks named Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, show up to the house getting ready to steal what's inside.
Harry: Watch this. Number 664 will be going on right about now.
(The Christmas light come on.)
Harry: 671. Now.
(The lights don't come on)
Harry: Now.
(Still nothing)
Harry: Now.
(Cutaway gag)
Sean: God damn it. Every time I try to fry something in the fry-daddy and cook something in the microwave, the fuse blows out. Wait, got it.
(The lights on the McCallister house come one)
Sean: (In his Homer Simpson voice) Woo-hoo!
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narration) Kevin has the courage to confront the two by turning the lights on and making them think that there's somebody home and heads outside to say that he's not afraid anymore until…
(Kevin sees Old Man Marley)
Sean: (V/O as Old Man Marley): I will kill you before you make The Pagemaster.
(Kevin screams and runs back in the house, runs upstairs frantically and hides under the sheets of the bed)
"What a wimp." Sean said.
Sean: (Narration) Meanhwhile, the McCallisters arrive in Paris while Kate attempts to get the most idiotic cops in Chicago to check on Kevin.
Kate: Our phones there are out of order so I'd like somebody to go over to our house, tell him that we're coming home to get him.
Rose: Okay, let me connect you with the Family Crisis Intervention.
Kate: No, this is not a family crisis.
Rose: Hold on.
"Oh, brother. Here we go. I got this." Sean said as he picks up the phone. "Hello."
(Cutaway gag)
Kate: I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.
Sean: Do you have any pepperoni pizza?
Kate: No!
Sean: Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?
Kate: I don't know. I d—I hope not.
Sean: Okay, did the kid eat a chicken sandwich sandwich and took your car out while driving poorly until he vomits?
Kate: No! He's just home alone! And I'd like somebody to go over to the house to see if he's all right. Just to check on him.
Sean: Ma'am, calm down. You want us to go over to your house, just to check on him?
Kate: Yes!
Sean: Fine! I'll send a policeman to check on your son. (Hangs up) Crazy bitch!
(Cutaway gag ends)
"So, yeah. The police suck at checking on Kevin and just walk away. They should be part of World's Dumbest Employees. And Kate decides to head home to catch what flight she can. In the meantime, Kevin couldn't be happier while his discusses his bathroom routine." Sean said.
Kevin: I took a shower, washing every body part with natural soap, including all my major crevices between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed.
"I also have a habit of talking to myself, but I believe that just adds character." Sean said before cutting back to Kevin grooming himself.
Kevin: (Picks up the bottle of aftershave) I can't find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up today. Other than that, I'm in good shape. (Puts aftershave on and screams in agony)
Sean starts screaming as we cut do different screaming scenes and clips including the screaming sheep, a clip from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York with Kevin screaming, a clip from Spider-Man 2 with Peter screaming, a clip from the Batman: The Animated Series episode I Am the Night with Batman screaming and the Harley and Ivy episode with the Joker screaming, a clip from the 1984 version of Ghostbusters plays with Peter screaming, a clip from The Mask with The Mask and Mrs. Peenman screaming, then a clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie Junior with the Critic screaming.
(A clip from Kindergarten Cop plays)
Det. John Kimble (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): SHUT UP!
Sean stops screaming and looks scared. "Sorry, Arnold. I'll—I'll stop screaming. And now a word from our sponsors."
Okay, so that was part one of the Mayhem Critic's review of Home Alone. Just like the RoboCop review, this is going to be in two parts. After I finish with part two of the Home Alone review, I will be working on either the Batman: Mask of the Phantasm review or A Christmas Story 2. I'm torn between two of them because I want to rant about "the official sequel" to A Christmas Story. So, which review would you like to see next after Home Alone? Would you like to see the Mask of the Phantasm review or A Christmas Story 2? Don't forget to review this, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for part two of the Home Alone review. Till next time, my fellow readers.