The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you the continuation of the Mayhem Critic's review of Home Alone. Okay, so I have a few reviews listed for this month. After Home Alone, there's Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, A Christmas Story 2, the Top 11 Christmas Movies, Specials and Episodes and Die Hard. Then next year, starting in January, there's Superman Month starting with Superman II, next it's Superman III, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Superman: The Animated Series. Let's not waste any time, here's the continuation of the Home Alone review.
Episode Two: Home Alone (Part II)
(Commercial Parody)
(In a parody of the Pepsi commercial from 1991, which was shown on the VHS release of Home Alone, Sean is dressed up as one of the cool kids from the commercial and starts dancing.)
Sean: What makes you cool is your attitude. Your inner self.
(Sean is shown doing the chicken dance)
Sean: It's not the way your hair is cut. No, siree. (Points at his head)
(Sean is still dancing, but this time he's dancing like the wedding guest guy from World's Dumbest Partiers.)
Sean: It's not the clothes you wear.
(Sean looks at his 90's type clothing)
Sean: What the hell am I wearing?
(Sean is holding a can of Coca-Cola in one hand and a can of Pepsi in the other)
Sean: It's not what you drink.
(A cute girl named April sits next to Sean. Sean looks at April and smiles at him. She smiles back and lays her head on his shoulder.)
April: Got Pepsi for me?
(Sean looks at the camera, with a sly grin on his face while handing April the can of Pepsi, while he throws the can of Coca-Cola away and picks up another can of Pepsi)
(The commercial ends with Pepsi and the new tagline for Pepsi with the announcer saying the new tagline and shows Fuller's smiling face)
Announcer: Pepsi. Don't know what a golden shower is? You will.
Aunt Leslie: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi.
(Commercial parody ends)
We cut to Sean, who is seen sitting behind his desk drinking a can of Mountain Dew Holiday Brew, then looks up at the camera after sipping his soda. "Huh, what? Oh! The commercial's over? And you thought I was drinking a can of Pepsi. Blatant product placement now back to review." Sean said before cutting back to the review.
Sean: (Narrating) So Kevin is running short on supplies and he takes some of Buzz's life savings and heads out to go shopping.
Drugstore Clerk (Played by Ann Whitney): How may I help you?
Kevin: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
(Kevin hands the clerk the toothbrush)
Drugstore Clerk: It doesn't say, hon.
Kevin: Can you please find out?
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Kevin is trying to find out if his toothbrush is approved by the ADA, guess who shows up.
(Old Man Marley slams his hand on the counter. Kevin locks eyes with Old Man Marley and rushes out of the store)
Jimmy: Hey! Hey!
(Jimmy spots a police officer, who is writing up someone with a ticket nearby)
Jimmy: Shoplifter!
"Just give me the order and I'll shoot him." Sean said, pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP. "Just give me the order, man! Just give me the order!"
(Sloan from the movie Wanted shows up)
Sloan (Played by Morgan Freeman): Shoot this motherfucker!
"Thank you, Sloan!" Sean said as he fires his pistol at Kevin, but misses.
Sean: (Narrating) But Kevin manages to escape from the cop by sliding on the ice while on his knees, which is rather humiliating for the police officer in question. Let's check in with the McCallister family in Paris, where they're staying at Uncle Rob and Aunt Georgette's place and spending their precious time eating shrimp and watching a bad French dub of It's a Wonderful Life.
"What the hell ails you people?!" Sean yelled, in his Psycho Dad voice. "Why are you sitting on your lazy asses? Get the fuck up and do something!"
Megan: You're not at all worried about Kevin?
Buzz: The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world.
Megan: You're not at all worried something might happen to him?
Buzz: No. For three reasons: A. I'm not that lucky, 2: We have smoke detectors, and D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of America.
"Dude, you mean 1, 2 and 3. And another thing, Chicago's pretty exciting. Brother, if you were in 1968, it was." Sean's friend Brian said as footage of the Vietnam War protests at the 1968 Democratic convention plays.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, Kevin's in need for some food, so he orders himself a cheese pizza and get even with the pizza delivery boy. But to hide the fact that he's home alone, he rigs a scene an old gangster movie to make it act like someone else is inside the house.
"Okay, I just want to nitpick a bit about this scene. I don't have a problem with it. It's a funny scene and one of my favorites but the problem is this: he's using a VCR. There's no way he could play these responses in time. The sound quality of the movie. And finally, it's only one scene from one movie. How the hell is he able to play a response to everything the pizza boy says from just one scene from one movie?" Sean said until someone knocks on the door. "Ooh, that must be my pizza. I'll be right back."
(Cutaway gag)
(Sean walks up to the door)
Sean: Who is it?
Pizza Boy: It's Bingo's Pizza, sir.
Sean: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here.
Pizza Boy: Okay. But what about my money?
Sean: What money?
Pizza Boy: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Sean: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.50, sir.
Sean: $11.50?! For a large pepperoni pizza?! Did I hear you right?!
(Sean grumbles and sneaks $20 from out of the door)
Sean: Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
(Sean picks up his M16 machine gun)
Sean: Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of three. To get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10!
(Sean fires his M16 and starts laughing like The Joker. The scared pizza boy falls off of the porch and runs away frantically and drives off. Sean stops firing his gun and opens the door, picking up the pizza and smells it)
Sean: A lovely pepperoni pizza just for me. (Closes the door)
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kevin goes to the supermarket for the first time to do some shopping.
Kelly, the Check Out Girl (Played by Tracy J. Connor): Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin: Ma'm, I'm 8 years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.
Kelly: Where's your mom?
Kevin: My mom's in the car.
Kelly: Where's your father?
Kevin: He's at work.
Kelly: What about your brothers and your sisters?
Kevin: I'm an only child.
(A clip from Uncle Buck plays)
Miles (Played by Macauley Culkin): Where's your wife?
Buck (Played by the late John Candy): Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have any kids.
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your dad's brother alright.
(Cut to Kevin walking home with groceries. The grocery bags rip and everything falls out)
"See? This is why you should always double-bag. I know that because I work at a grocery store and sometimes people have their bags doubled. I know that you're not supposed to do that but they ask to have their bags doubled just in case or if they're walking up the stairs to their apartment. Instead of using plastic or paper bags, use reusable bags to help the environment. Save the planet. The power is yours." Sean said pointing to the camera and smiles.
"Heart!" Ma-Ti shouted out from off-screen.
"Shut the fuck up, Ma-Ti!" Sean yelled then look back at the camera and smiled.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kate is still having problems getting home when all flights to Chicago are booked.
Kate: And I don't care if I have to get on your runway and hitchhike. If it cost me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.
(A clip from Beetlejuice plays)
Delia Deetz (Played by Catherine O'Hara): I will go insane and I will take you with me!
Sean: (Narration) Well, looks like it's a job for the late John Candy, who plays…
Gus (Played by the late John Candy): Gus Polinski. Polka King of the Midwest. (Sings) Polka, polka, polka. Polka, polka, polka.
"Holy cow, that is going to be the next big hit for 2017." Sean said. The young reviewer began to notice someone who was standing in line right behind Kate. "Wait a minute. Is that?"
Sean picks up the remote and pressed pause, then began to browse the internet and clicked on a photo. "Oh, my god. Could it be? It-it-it is. That's Elvis Presley. You probably think that I'm starting to lose it but I'm not. There's a myth going around that Elvis Presley appeared in Home Alone. Maybe it's just a rumor. No, no, no. I'm not going to believe that it's Elvis Presley. Elvis is dead. And Oswald killed Kennedy. It wasn't a magic bullet. Screw you, Oliver Stone for ruining JFK!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, Harry and Marv are on to Kevin when they find out that Kevin is home alone.
Harry: Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here.
Marv: Well if he lives there, then the parents gotta be.
Harry: He's home alone.
"Ha! There, he said it! He said the title of the movie!" Sean said, imitating Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin finds out that they're gonna be back at 9 o'clock, so in the meantime, Kevin goes to church to listen to a church choir singing O Holy Night, until…
(Kevin finds Old Man Marley sitting in the same church)
"O holy shit. It's the South Bend Shovel Slayer." Sean said, with a frightened look on his face.
Sean: (V/O as Old Man Marley) Well, time for me to kill while no one is watching.
(Old Man Marley comes closer to Kevin)
Old Man Marley (Played by the late Roberts Blossom): Merry Christmas.
(Kevin has a confused look on his face)
Old Man Marley: May I sit down?
(Kevin nods as Old Man Marley sits down)
Old Man Marley: You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid.
Sean: (Narrating) So, it turns out that Old Man Marley is actually a nice man and that the rumors about him are false and he tells Kevin about his son, who he haven't seen in years and the two of them are not in speaking terms.
Old Man Marley: We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since.
Kevin: If you miss him, why don't you call him?
"Geez, I wonder why he left." Sean said. "He seemed such a lovely guy."
Old Man Marley: How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.
Kevin: Especially with an older brother.
"With a male crossdresser as a girlfriend. You think I'm kidding, I'm not." Sean said, cutting to a photo of Buzz's girlfriend. "That's art director Dan Webster's son who volunteered for that part. Buzz's portrayer said that they decided it would be unkind to put a girl in that role of just being funny-looking. That's another little piece of trivia for you.
Sean: (Narrating) After chatting with Old Man Marley and wishing each other a Merry Christmas, Kevin realizes that he's out of time, so he rushes home to prepare for battle.
(Kevin notices the time and rushes home. We then cut to the McCallister house as Kevin goes in and locks the door)
Kevin: This is my house. I have to defend it.
(Cut to a montage of Kevin setting up traps, with a cutaway gag of Sean doing jumping jacks, setting up Christmas decorations and fixing Christmas cookies)
Sean: (Narrating) After setting up his traps for the "Big Battle Plan", Harry and Marv arrive at the house.
Harry: We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.
Marv: Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.
"Oh, he'll let you in alright. But it'll cost ya." Sean said.
Sean: (Narration) Harry and Marv decide to go through the back door until Kevin re-enacts a scene from RoboCop.
(Kevin shoots Harry in the crotch. Harry screams in agony)
(A clip from RoboCop plays)
RoboCop (Played by Peter Weller): Your move, creep.
(Marv goes to the door, puts his head in the door opening. Sees Kevin and smiles)
Kevin: Hello.
(Kevin shoots Marv in the forehead)
FPS Doug: (V/O) Boom! Headshot!
(Marv screams in agony)
Kevin: Yes! Yes!
Sean: (Narration) After Marv gets shot too, they decide to split up. Harry going to the front.
(Harry slips on the first step and groans. Then cut to him trying get up the steps by grabbing onto the railing)
(A clip from The Simpsons plays)
Abe (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): You're gonna blow it!
(Harry slips and falls backwards after getting up the steps)
Abe: (V/O) Ah, that's what I get for having faith in ya.
(Harry makes it up to the steps.
Harry: Where are you?
(He puts his hand on a heated doorknob and screams in agony)
"Why do I smell bacon?" Sean asked, looking down only to see that he's cooking bacon on his desk. "Ah, I see."
Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, Marv heads down to the basement and this happens.
(Marv pulls the switch, which releases an iron. Marv looks up)
(A clip from Wanted plays)
Sloan: Oh, fuck.
(The iron hits Marv in the middle of his face. Next, Marv takes off his shoes and socks while going up the stairs on which Kevin painted tar and steps on the nail)
"Yeow!" Sean winced before cutting back to the scene.
(Marv screams and falls on the floor while holding his foot)
Sean: (Narration) We then check on Harry, who's about enter the back door but gets a little burning sensation on his head.
(A blowtorch on the top cupboard lights Harry's head on fire as he screams in agony)
(The song Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue starts playing while Harry runs around and sticks his head in the snow)
"You know, I've always told people that Joe Pesci was a real hothead." Sean said as a comedic rimshot plays.
Sean: (Narration) So, after dealing with Kevin's traps, Harry and Marv managed to get inside and they are greeted with a can of Sherwin Williams.
(A paint can hits Marv in the face after Harry ducks)
Harry: Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for ya.
Marv: Harry!
(Another paint can hits Harry in the face, sending him flying until he lands on Marv. Then we cut to Harry and Marv going up the stairs)
Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!
"Whoa! Dude! What did he just say?" Sean asked, picking up the remote to play back what Harry said.
Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!
"Cojones means "balls" in Spanish. You think this is appropriate to say in a kid's film? Dude, you're not on Goodfellas this is a family film so watch your fucking mouth." Sean said as he puts a dollar in the swear jar.
Sean: (Narration) So, Kevin calls 9-1-1 and makes Marv afraid of the movie Arachnophobia.
(Marv screams like a girl with a tarantula on his face)
Sean: (Narration) Kevin flees the house, with a little help from his stunt double on a zipline and makes it to his treehouse. Harry and Marv follow but they soon live to regret it.
Kevin: (Holding the hedge sheers and places them on both sides of the rope) Hey, guys? Check this out.
Harry: Go back! Go back!
(Harry and Marv start going back until Kevin cuts the rope)
(Harry and Marv's screams are replaced by the Goofy yell. Harry and Marv hit the brick wall of the McCallister house and lands on the snow)
Sean: (Narration) Kevin then runs to the Murphy house but gets outsmarted by Harry and Marv. And just when Kevin is about to get his finger bit off, Old Man Marley comes to save the day.
(Marley hits Harry in the face with the shovel)
Old Man Marley: (Takes Kevin off the coat hanger) Come on. Let's get you home.
(Then we cut to the police taking Harry and Marv to jail. Harry sees Kevin from the back of the police car as Kevin waves to him)
(A clip from Masters of the Universe plays)
Skeletor (Played by Frank Langella): (After emerging from the water) I'll be back!
Sean: (Narration) Then we cut back to Kate and she's having doubts.
Gus: You want to talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks a year. We hardly see our families. You know, Joe, over there. Gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names.
Kate: Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?
Gus: No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible, too. I was all distraught and everything. We left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse.
"Dude! What the hell? Why would you try to tell her that? Do you absolutely think that it would make her feel better? It's just like someone asking me this." Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.
(Cutaway gag)
Alex: Hey, Sean. Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?
Sean: No, but I did leave my friend's nephew at a Hustler Hollywood shop once. Yeah. The little tyke was traumatized from seeing adult movies and adult-oriented toys. He asked me who August Ames was and he wanted to watch her movies….
Alex: Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.
Sean: Hey, you brought it up.
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narration) Kate finally arrives home and she sees what Kevin has done to the house while he was home alone. Then finds Kevin.
Kate: Kevin?
(Kevin turns around and sees his mom)
Kate: Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.
(Kevin smiles and runs to his mother. Kate and Kevin hug)
We cut to Sean, who was wiping his tears from off of his face.
"Dude, are you crying?" Brian asked.
"No!" Sean exclaimed.
"You're crying from Home Alone?" Brian asked as Sean throws an apple at his head. "Ow!"
Sean: (Narration) The rest of the family aren't too far behind as they took the flight that Kate didn't want to wait for and Kevin tells them that he went shopping.
Jeff (Played by Michael C. Maronna): You, shopping?
Kevin: I got some milk, eggs and fabric softener.
Peter: What else did you do while we were away?
Kevin: Just hung around.
(Everyone laughs)
Sean starts laughing and stops laughing. "I don't get it."
Sean: (Narration) As the family settles in, Kevin sees that Old Man Marley is reunited with his family.
(Old Man Marley waves to Kevin. Kevin waves back at Old Man Marley)
Buzz: Kevin! What did you do to my room?!
Sean: (Narration) And our tale comes to a close.
"And that was Home Alone, the greatest Christmas movie of all-time. Honestly, I can't find much wrong with it. And it puzzles me because some of the critics didn't care for it. Roger Ebert gave the film 2 ½ out of 4-stars. Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly criticized the film for it's "sadistic festival of adult bashing". And the biggest complaint that people had about Home Alone was the violence. Yeah, it was pretty violent for a kid's film but that's what makes the film so funny. The other aspects of the film, a lot of it still holds up, including the acting. Catherine O'Hara did a wonderful job as Kate McCallister and Macauley Culkin's performance as Kevin was pretty damn good. Props to Macauley. It's sad to say that your career as an adult went in the crapper." Sean said as more clips of the movie start playing. "But the biggest praise I have to give for Home Alone is John Hughes' writing. Man, this is one of the most quotable movies from him I've ever seen."
(Clips from Home Alone start playing)
Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my ass!
Johnny (Played by the late Ralph Foody): Keep the change you filthy animal.
Kevin: (After seeing a photo of Buzz's girlfriend) Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!
Peter and Kate: We slept in!
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Kevin: You guys give up or you're thirsty for more?
"Another big praise for the movie would have to be John Williams' magnificent score for the movie. Originally, Bruce Broughton, the composer of Tiny Toon Adventures was set to compose the music for Home Alone, but he was busy with The Rescuers Down Under. My favorite would have to be the movie's theme song Somewhere in My Memory. The movie was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Score and the other for Best Original Song for Somewhere in My Memory. Plus, the characters are so memorable. Buzz is the loveable asshole, Uncle Frank is the cheapskate that you would just love to punch in the face, Harry and Marv are just a great villainous duo and Kevin is just a likeable representation to what every boy wants to be." Sean said as clips from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York start playing. "Which is why I like the sequel so much despite the fact that it's the same movie. So, yeah. I love Home Alone. I watch the movie every year. I watch it on Christmas and I watch it every single month and I enjoy it and have a ball every time I watch it. It's a great Christmas film that everyone needs to see. That's why I'm gonna give Home Alone 5 blowtorches to the head…"
(A clip of Home Alone plays)
(Harry screams in agony while his head is caught on fire)
"…Out of 5. I'm the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I review an awesome movie that was released on Christmas Day." Sean said as a clip of the movie for the next review starts playing.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays)
Phantasm: Your angel of death awaits. I want you.
The clip ends and we see Sean sitting at his desk while wearing a Batman mask and starts doing his imitation of Michael Keaton from Tim Burton's Batman. "I'm Batman."
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Keep the change, you filthy animal.
And that was part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of Home Alone. So, what did you think of it? Did you like it? Was it funny? I hope that you all enjoyed it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the 1993 animated feature Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and he asks the question: Is it the best Batman movie ever? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.