The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers, it is I the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and I hope that you're excited for today's review. First up, I would like to say thank you for reviewing this story. It has 8 reviews right now so I'm hoping to get more reviews on it. Today, the Mayhem Critic tackles Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Is it the best Batman movie ever? We'll find out today. As I stated before, I own nothing involved in these episodes and all material belongs to their respective sources. So here it is, episode three of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
Episode Three: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
Sean once again is seen sitting behind his desk, with a goofy grin on his face ready to begin his next review. He looks at the camera and pulls his Samsung Galaxy S7 phone out. Sean lifts a finger to mean "Excuse me" and starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year", jumping up from out of his seat and starts singing. Then we get a montage of Sean decorating the house with Christmas decorations, decorating the tree, fixing a nice hot glass of apple cider, pulling out some Christmas movies from off of his shelf, revealing the movies that he pulled out were Batman Returns, Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Gremlins, Lethal Weapon, Iron Man 3 and The Night Before and heads back to his office and sits at his desk, wearing his Christmas Story t-shirt with the words "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid" printed on it and a picture of Ralphie on it and Sean was wearing a Santa hat.
"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one. I love Christmas. I love everything about it. The decorations, the Christmas lights, the movies, TV shows, Christmas specials, the Christmas songs. It's the best time of the year. If Christmas was a woman, then I would totally marry her. I would marry Christmas." Sean said, smiling as a photo of Dr. Christmas Jones played by Denise Richards from the James Bond movie The World Is Not Enough pops up next to him. He turns to notice the photo and smiles. "Oh, yeah. Now, I know that today's review is not a Christmas movie but it was released on Christmas Day twenty-four years ago. Okay, today I had a conversation with some of my friends and I asked them what's the best Batman movie and a lot of people had made the discussion on what's the best Batman movie and they say…."
(A poster of Batman & Robin pops up as Sean pushes it out of the way)
"You must be drunk. No, not that movie." Sean said as montage of posters for Batman films and clips from Batman films start playing. "People would say that Tim Burton's Batman and The Dark Knight are the two best Batman films of all time. Also, we talk about the best Batman ever. There's Michael Keaton, Adam West, Val Kilmer and Christian Bale."
(A photo of Ben Affleck as Batman pops up)
"You wish." Sean said, rolling his eyes. "But of course, the one that they overlook would have to be the animated one."
(A poster of Batman: The Killing Joke pops up)
"Yes, The Killing Joke. They overlook Batman: The Killing Joke…. BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM!" Sean exclaimed in annoyance as clips of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown. "Released on December 25th, 1993. Christmas Day. Mask of the Phantasm was originally supposed to be a direct-to-video release, but instead got a theatrical release. Why couldn't Disney release The Return of Jafar in theaters instead of making it a direct-to-video release? I stumbled across this movie when I saw the trailer on the VHS release of Free Willy. Then, when I was like five years old, my mom and I went to our local Media Play and she bought the movie on VHS and I fell in love with the movie instantly, that I watch it all the time, every day. I'm 25 right now and I still do. I owned the movie on VHS, I owned it on DVD, twice. It was in a double feature pack with Sub-Zero, the comic. Hell, I'm even planning on getting it on Blu-Ray. That's how much I love Mask of the Phantasm. But before I start the review, let me bring you a brief history on Batman: The Animated Series."
(Clips from Batman: The Animated Series start playing)
"The show aired on Fox Kids Network on September 5, 1992. Developed by Bruce W. Timm and Eric Radomski, who were working on Tiny Toon Adventures at that time, Batman: The Animated Series changed the way we looked at cartoons with it's dark deco design and gothic backdrop. The show was dark, gritty, dramatic and sometimes hilarious, the show became a hit with children and adults and it won a few Emmy awards and it was nominated for an Annie Award. After the success of the show's first season, Warner Bros. assigned writer Alan Burnett." Sean said as a poster of Ducktales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp pops up. "Yes, the same Alan Burnett who wrote the screenplay for Ducktales The Movie back in 1990 and he also worked on other Disney shows back in the 80s and 90s like The Adventures of Gummi Bears, Tailspin, Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers and of course…."
(The Ducktales theme starts playing)
"Thank you." Sean said. "They've assigned Burnett to write a full-length animated feature. Aiding Burnett, were other writers who worked on Batman: The Animated Series: Martin Pasko, Paul Dini, and Michael Reaves. Pasko worked on the flashback segments, Reaves wrote the climax and Dini claimed to have "filled holes here and there". But the question is this, and after 24 years, is this the best Batman movie ever? Now, before I begin, let me just say that I love this movie. I will nitpick a little on certain scenes I just want to make that clear…." Sean said before cutting to a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail plays)
Bridgekeeper (Played by Terry Gilliam): Get on with it.
Tim (Played by John Cleese): Yes! Get on with it!
Army: Yeah! Get on with it!
"What? I'm just say…." Sean said.
God (Voiced by the late Graham Chapman) GET ON WITH IT!
"Jesus!" Sean yelled and fell out of his seat. "Mask of the Phantasm, ladies and gentlemen."
(A title card pops up with Sean, hiding in the shadows with his pistol, Batman on the rooftop, The Joker on a card and the Phantasm lurking the streets of Gotham)
Sean: (Narration) So our film opens with an opening title sequence of Gotham City, which looks pretty impressive for a film back in '93. They used CGI back in '86 for the Disney movie The Great Mouse Detective for the Big Ben sequence. And the opening sequence is played over a choir chanting in Latin.
(The theme for Batman: Mask of the Phantasm starts playing)
Sean: (V/O) Got to give props to the late Shirley Walker. She did an excellent job on this movie and man, doesn't the music just give you chills?
(We cut to a deal happening at a casino)
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome opening, we cut to a deal that's set up by mobster Chuckie Sol, voiced by Dick Miller, who will later voice a character named Boxy Bennett on Batman: The Animated Series in two episodes that involve Harley Quinn.
Chuckie Sol (Voiced by Dick Miller): Anybody got a problem with that?
Sean: (Narrating) But their deal comes to a halt when Batman, once again voiced by the amazing Kevin Conroy, crashes the party.
Goon #1: The Bat!
Goon #2: Get him.
(One of Sol's goons run up to Batman to take him down. Batman dodges the goon's punches and gives him a few hits of his own and uppercuts him. Batman throws his batarang at two of the armed goons. The fourth goon shoots at Batman as Batman moves underneath the table and slams it down on him. Chuckie Sol backs away in fear as one of the goons run at Batman. Batman grabs the goon and throws him to the wall. Batman goes after Sol, but then one of the goons try to reach for their gun, Batman steps on the table, instantly knocking him out cold)
(A clip from Friday plays)
Smoky (Played by Chris Tucker) You got knocked the fuck out, man!
Sean: (Narrating) Just as Chuckie makes his escape, he comes across a cloaked figure that looks like Batman.
Phantasm: Chuckie Sol.
Chuckie Sol: Batman!
Phantasm: Your angel of death awaits.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Phantasm. The mysterious new villain who was inspired by The Reaper from Batman: Year Two." Sean said before cutting back to the movie.
Chuckie Sol: What are you? What do you want?
Phantasm: (His voice replaced by the singing kid from the Uncle Ben's commercial) I want you to show me the way.
Sean: (Narrating) The Phantasm tries to go in for the kill but it's not long until Chuckie makes his escape. And when he tries to run over the Phantasm… this happens.
Chuckie Sol: This time I got you, you lousy stinkin-
(A clip from Robin's Reckoning plays)
Tony Zucco (Voiced by Thomas F. Wilson) Now I've got you, you lousy stinkin-
(The Phantasm vanishes, then we cut to Sol driving his car through the parking garage screaming and crashes into a building, instantly killing him)
"Whoa! Dude! This bitch is dead." Sean said, pointing to the camera before cutting back to the film. "I didn't expect to see anyone getting killed in an animated Batman film. They would never get away with that type of thing in the animated series. What is this movie rated again?"
Sean picks up his Blu-Ray copy of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and checks the back, only to see that the movie is rated PG for animated violence. A horrified and shocked look started to appear on his face.
(A clip from The World's End plays)
Gary King (Played by Simon Pegg): What?!
"You're having a friggin' laugh now! PG. P-fucking-G! And this is from a company that has Bugs Bunny on the logo." Sean said as music from the Warner Bros. Family Entertainment logo plays over a clip of Chuckie Sol's death scene and Bugs Bunny popping up and eating a carrot.
Sean: (V/O) A family picture!
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives at the scene and sees Sol's car. A few witnesses spot him and think that he killed Sol. This doesn't sit well with Councilman Arthur Reeves voiced by Hart Bochner.
"Hart Bochner? Why does that name sound so familiar? Oh, no!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from Die Hard plays with Ellis, played by Hart Bochner laughing)
"You have got to be fucking kidding me. I didn't like Ellis on Die Hard and I certainly don't like Arthur Reeves in this one. He's an asshole!" Sean exclaimed.
Commissioner Gordon (Voiced by the late Bob Hastings): I'm sorry, Councilman. But you can't blame Batman for what happened to Chuckie Sol.
Councilman Arthur Reeves (Voiced by Hart Bochner): Why not? He's a loose cannon, Commissioner. It's not just my opinion. A lot of the people, including the police I might add think Batman's as unstable as the crooks he brings in.
"Unstable? Bitch, when has Batman ever been unstable?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Dark Knight plays with Batman interrogating Joker)
"Except for that time when he interrogated the Joker. Jesus Christ." Sean said.
Councilman Arthur Reeves: What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman?!
(Cutaway gag)
Sean: (As a reporter) Councilman Reeves! Councilman Reeves! I have a question for you. Have you ever butt-chugged?
Councilman Arthur Reeves: (His voice replaced by attorney Daniel McGehee) What in the world is that?
(Cutaway gag ends)
(Alfred turns off the television)
Alfred (Voiced by the late Efrem Zimbalist Jr.) Such rot, sir. Why, you're the very model of sanity.
Bruce (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Thank you, Alfred.
Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, we cut to a plane where a mystery woman is speaking to Councilman Reeves and she's flying down to Gotham City. And we pan down to a magazine she's holding with Bruce on the cover.
Councilman Arthur Reeves: Thinking of looking up some old friends?
Woman: Arthur, don't start that again. He's ancient history.
Sean: (Narrating) Then we cut to Wayne Manor, where Bruce is throwing a party and having a bunch of hot babes hitting on him and they're talking about marriage.
Bambi (Voiced by Arleen Sorkin, who's uncredited): What about the "I" word?
Bruce: The "I" word?
Bambi: "Ingagement."
"You mean the "E" word, honey." Brian said before cutting back to the movie.
Sean: (Narrating) After Bruce has his ass handed to him by a jilted ex, Councilman Reeves jokingly taunts Bruce about his love life and the one that got away.
Councilman Arthur Reeves: What was her name? Anne? Andi? Andrea? Yes, Andrea Beaumont! Now, there was a sweet number. How'd you let her get loose?
Bruce: Thanks for the handkerchief, Arthur. You know where you can stick it.
(The song Asshole by Dennis Leary starts playing with a photo of Arthur Reeves)
Sean: (Narrating) We then get our first flashback of the film, where we see Bruce Wayne visiting his parents' grave. He hears a woman talking and sees her standing in front of the grave. That beautiful redhead is Andrea Beaumont voiced by….
"Hold on, I always wanted to do this." Sean said, clearing his throat before imitating Yakko from Animaniacs. "Dana Delany."
Sean: (Narrating) This is Andrea Beaumont, an old flame of Bruce's right before he donned the cape and cowl. This movie will dive deep into what happened between Bruce and Andrea.
Andrea (Voiced by Dana Delany): Know who that was? Bruce Wayne. You know, Wayne Enterprises? I've seen him on campus. Very moody. Cute, though.
"I wonder if he's great in bed." Sean said, in a feminine voice.
Andrea: Andrea Beaumont.
Bruce: Bruce Wayne.
Andrea: I know. "The boy billionaire." So tell me, with all that money and power, how come you always look like you want to jump off a cliff?
Bruce: Why should you care?
Andrea: I don't. (Andrea gets in her car and starts it up) Mother was asking.
Sean: (Narrating) And the two hit it off. Later that night, Bruce goes into action on his first night as a vigilante, in which he spots a robbery.
Bruce: Well, Bruce. Here it goes. (Puts on his mask and jumps into action)
Sean: (Narrating) He dons the mask and a ninja-style outfit and manages to thwart an armored car robbery. But the next day, he's disappointed at the fact that his attire didn't scare the criminals.
Bruce: There was only one thing wrong. They weren't afraid of me.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't wear hockey pants while trying to scare off the criminals. I remember my first night as a vigilante and look how that turned out." Sean said.
(Cutaway gag)
Sean: (Dressed as a vigilante while wearing a leather jacket and a Captain Phasma mask while holding a snub-nosed .38) Alright, don't move! On your stomachs! Arms spread!
Crook #1: Who's this clown?
Sean: You heard me! If you don't do as I say, then I will start shooting!
Crook #2: Oh, really. Well, guess what.
(The two crooks pull out an M16 machine gun and an uzi)
Crook #1: We got machine guns.
Sean: (Throws his gun away) Hey, man. I-I-I was just kidding. I wasn't trying to…Mommy.
(Sean runs screaming like a girl as the two crooks start shooting at him.)
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: Andrea comes by to visit Bruce and the two begin a romance with each other.
Andrea: Nice footwork, can you dance too?
(Bruce smiles at Andrea and gazes into her eyes before leaning down to kiss her. Alfred walks outside with a tray of lemonade and sees Bruce and Andrea making out.)
Alfred: Oh.
(Alfred heads back inside)
Sean: (Narration) We cut back to present day, where another mobster named Buzz Bronski, voiced by the late John P. "No, I'm not going to be making any Delta Force II jokes" Ryan.
Phantasm: Buzz.
(Buzz turns around and flashes his light)
Buzz: Who's there?
"Uh, quick question. Why is that idiot at a cemetery at night? You're not supposed to be at cemetery at night because they're closed at night. Did Buzz Bronski pay someone to let him in?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's time for him to leave now because, he's about to have a run-in with the Phantasm and I have to say, when I watched this movie when I was little, that scene scared the living shit out of me and till this day, it still does. And that's one of my biggest fears. Being at the cemetery at night while some guy who's a cross between Darth Vader and The Shredder with a spooky voice chases you.
Phantasm: Time to pay for your sins, Mr. Bronski.
(Buzz Bronski turns around and sees the Phantasm appear from out of the shadows. Bronski charges at him with the pickaxe, but the Phantasm slices the pickaxe. Bronski gasped as the Phantasm vanishes.)
Phantasm: Buzz.
(Bronski turns around and sees the Phantasm walking towards him.)
Buzz: All right, creep. Catch this!
(Throws the sharp, wooden point of the pickaxe at the Phantasm. The screen fades to black as an impaled impact sound along with a male bloodcurdling scream is heard. The credits roll as Tia Carrera's I've Never Even Told You plays in the background.)
"All right, I'm kidding. That didn't happen." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narration) Bronski tries to make his escape but fails to do so as he falls into an empty grave.
"Well, looks like Buzz Bronski, is about to meet his angel of death." Sean said after putting on a pair of sunglasses, doing his imitation of David Caruso from CSI: Miami, with The Who's Won't Get Fooled Again, plays in the background.
(The angel statue falls on Buzz Bronski)
Buzz: No!
(The statue crushes Buzz Bronski to death.)
(A clip from the British game show Knightmare plays)
Dungeon master Treguard: Ooh, nasty.
Sean looks on in horror after seeing Buzz Bronski's death scene. "Jesus Christ, movie! I swear, this movie is one step up to getting a PG-13 rating or an R rating. Unlike a certain movie."
(A clip from Batman: The Killing Joke plays)
Joker: Here's to crime.
Sean: (Narrating) Once again, Batman is blamed for Buzz's murder, and the next morning an elderly and sickly mob boss named Salvatore Valestra, voiced by the late Abe Vigoda, reads his morning paper, only to read the news about Buzz.
Salvatore Valestra (Voiced by the late Abe Vigoda): (After reading the headline that says "2nd Mob Boss Slain. Has Bats Gone Bats?") Buzz!
(Valestra's eyes widened in shock as he sees the photo of Batman.)
Salvatore: (Gasps) No!
(Valestra starts having trouble breathing and reaches for his oxygen tank)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Batman is inspecting the crime scene and he pays a little visit to his parents' grave, until he spots Andrea. Andrea follows Batman and stops at the Wayne family grave and realizes his secret identity.
Andrea: Bruce?
"No, it's Farkle Minkus from Girl Meets World. What the hell? What the hell?! What's the whole point of having a secret identity if someone is going to find out?! In Batman '89, Vicki Vale found out that Bruce Wayne is Batman because that idiot Alfred brought her into the Batcave. In Batman Returns, Selina Kyle found out that he was Batman at the party. And she suddenly found out that Bruce Wayne is Batman because you saw him standing by his parents' grave?" Sean asked.
M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia) Of course!
Sean pushes the clip from Street Fighter away in frustration. "Dude, that's why they call it a secret identity, to keep your identity a fucking secret! Fuck!"
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Batman spying on Andrea and Councilman Reeves having dinner at a restaurant. In which we get another flashback to Bruce meeting Andrea's father, Carl Beaumont, voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.
Carl Beaumont (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): At last I meet the elusive Bruce Wayne.
Bruce: Nice to meet you, sir.
Carl Beaumont: (Shakes Bruce's hand) "Sir"? Don't be so formal, Bruce. Andrea's told me so much about you, I feel we're practically family.
Andrea: Daddy…
Arthur: (Clears his throat) Don't mind me. I was just leaving.
Carl Beaumont: I'm sorry. This is Arthur Reeves, one of the hot Young Turks from my legal department. He's someone you should get to know.
"Oh, really? Because in ten years, he becomes some asshole councilman that I want to shoot in the face!" Sean exclaimed, pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol.
(Ellis from Die Hard starts laughing)
"Shut up!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) We also learn that Andrea's father has some ties to the Valestra mob.
(Sean notices the man in the car)
Sean: (V/O) Huh? Why does the guy with the hat and pointy nose look so familiar? Weird.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a scene where Bruce is standing at his parents' grave in one of the most powerful scenes ever.
Bruce: It doesn't mean I don't care anymore. I don't want to let you down, honest, but... but it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. You can understand that, can't you? Look, I can give money to the city - they can hire more cops. Let someone else take the risk, but it's different now!
[thunder and lightning]
Bruce: Please! I need it to be different now. I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy.
[thunder and lightning]
Bruce: Please! Tell me that it's okay.
Andrea: [enters] Maybe they already have. Maybe they sent me.
[They embrace in the rain]
(A clip of J. Jonah Jameson, played by J.K. Simmons, laughing from Spider-Man 2 starts playing)
(Jameson starts laughing)
"God damn it. Quit ruining scenes, Jameson!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narration) The next day, Councilman Reeves has a run-in with Valestra and the two of them talk about Batman and the murders.
Valestra: Is the Batman really hitting our people?
Councilman Reeves: We have eyewitnesses.
"Eyewitnesses? What eyewitnesses? Are you trying to tell me that two men who worked with the late Buzz Bronski spotted a man dressed as a bat? Was the eyewitness you spoke to Antoine Dodson?" Sean asked.
Sean (as Antoine Dodson): Hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husband 'cause Batman is killin' everybody.
"And second, do you have any proof that Batman killed them? Where's the proof? Show it to me. I need to see some proof before you blame my favorite superhero over some crime he didn't commit. Man, 1993 was a good year for movies. First, Harrison Ford is accused of murder because of the One-Armed Man and now Batman is accused of murder because of some Shredder rip-off that's going around killing people. Just wait until OJ in '94." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Batman drops by at Valestra's mansion and discovers some evidence linking Andrea's father and finds a photo of Mr. Beaumont sitting at a table with Valestra, Sol and Bronski. We then get another flashback. Boy, I haven't seen this many flashbacks since Stephen King's It. Anyway, we get a flashback to where Bruce proposes to Andrea.
(Bruce proposes to Andrea)
Andrea: I never thought this would happen. I always felt like... like I'd thrown you a curveball, like you never knew what to do with me, because I wasn't in "The Plan".
Bruce: You are now. I'm changing the Plan.
(Bruce and Andrea kiss as bats fly out of the cave)
"SYMBOLISM!" Sean shouted and raised his arms up in the air.
Sean: (Narrating) After their proposal, Bruce drops Andrea home to tell her father the news about their engagement. That is until the next day, Andrea sends Bruce a "Dear John" letter, ending her engagement to Bruce. Ouch. Believing that he has lost his last chance of having a normal life, Bruce dons the mask of Batman for the first time. And I like how the scene is set up when we see what Bruce becomes, the person that strikes fear at criminals.
(Alfred sees Batman in costume for the first time)
Alfred: My God.
"Gives you chills, doesn't it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in the present, Valestra heads down to the old Gotham World Fair to see someone for help. Hmm, I wonder who it could be.
(Valestra walks through the remains of the "Future of Gotham" park as the robots sing; someone fires a machine gun at the singing robots as Valestra ducks down.)
"JESUS!" Sean yelled as he ducks under his desk and bullets ricochet off of the wall.
(A clip from World's Dumbest Brawlers plays)
John Enos (as Jesus): I'm on a break. Union rules. Come back for about fifteen minutes.
The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): (Throws his machine gun away and enters) I hate that song…
(The words, "Hey Kids, It's Mark Hamill!" is shown and the Star Wars theme plays)
"Ladies and gentlemen, he is the Jedi Knight with the green lightsaber. He is the Clown Prince of Crime. He will put a smile on your face. Give it up, for Marky Mark Hamill." Sean announced.
The Joker: Gasp! Can it be? Old Sallie "the Wheezer" Valestra!
Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. The best part of the movie is The Joker. Valestra visits The Joker and offers him a million dollars to kill Batman.
The Joker: What do I look like? Pest control?
Valestra: Think, you fool! Once he gets me, how long till he gets you? (He grabs The Joker by his collar) Your hands are just as dirty. Dirtier.
(The Joker gets mad)
The Joker: Don't touch me, old man! I don't know where you've been! (Laughs) Oh, Sal, no one could take a joke like you. Of course I'll help you out.
(Valestra smiles)
The Joker: That's it. That's what I want to see. A nice, big smile.
"Oh, you are so dead, old man. Dead! He just signed his own death warrant. Don't you know that you're not supposed to make a deal with the Clown Prince of Crime? Maybe, he's not going to kill him. I mean, come on. Nothing can kill him because he's Abe Vigoda." Sean said, before cutting to the next clip.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Batman questions Andrea about her father and it doesn't turn out well.
Batman: You told him you were closer than ever to your father.
Andrea: I've been bugged, is that it?
Batman: I can read lips.
Andrea: Then read them now, get out.
Batman: (Before he leaves) You're still taking orders from your father?
Andrea: The only person in this room taking orders from their parents is you.
A gun shot plays as Sean puts his hand to his gut. "Ow! Oh…oh..that hurts. I definitely felt that. That was a shot to the gut. Ugh, you bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, the Phantasm arrives at Valestra's house, getting ready to make his next kill, until some one beats him to the….
(Valestra is revealed to be dead at the hands of The Joker)
Sean is clutching his chest in pain as an alarm blares. The words "HEART ATTACK! Take medication!" are flashing on top as Sean grabs a bottle of pills from his pocket, putting a pill in his mouth and calms down as the alarm goes off. Sean looks at the camera and stays silent for a bit before saying a word. "Go on."
Sean: (Narration) So yeah, The Joker has beat The Phantasm to the punch and strapped Valestra with a camera and a bomb and gives him a little message before blowing him up.
Joker:...And soon his name will be all over town to say nothing but his legs, knees and spleen an head.
(The Phantasm escapes as Valestra's house explodes)
(The Phantasm climbs up a roof and looks back)
Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Son of a bitch! That was my kill! I swear when I find the clown that tried to kill me, I'm gonna…."
(The Phantasm looks up and sees the Batjet in the sky)
Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Oh, shit! It's Batman, son!
(The Phantasm starts running)
Sean: (Narration) Batman pursues the Phantasm and just like the Los Santos cops on GTA V, the cops interrupt their fun as the Phantasm escapes, which lead to one of the best scenes ever which was inspired by Batman: Year One.
(The cop fires his pistol at Batman)
Sean: (V/O) Wow, 80s and 90s movie logic. People tend to master the unlimited ammo cheat.
Sean: (Narration) In a desperate attempt to escape, Batman hides in a construction site and the cops corner him, leading to this.
S.W.A.T. Member: There he is, men!
(The cops shoot at Batman)
(Cutaway gag)
Sean: (As one of the Gotham S.W.A.T. members) We will kill you before you make Sub-Zero!
(Sean continues to fire his M16 machine gun at Batman.
Detective Harvey Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): Hey, wait!
Sean: Die! Die! Die!
(The bullets hit a gas tank, causing it to explode and sends Batman flying)
Sean: Whoa!
(A clip from Home Alone plays)
Uncle Frank (Played by Gerry Bamman) Look what you did, you little jerk!
Sean: (Throws his gun down and runs away) I wasn't even here.
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman is cornered by the cops but distracts them by attaching his cape and cowl on the helicopter and makes his escape until Andrea arrives just in the nick of time and whisks him away before the cops could catch him. The two head back to Wayne Manor, where Andrea explains to Bruce the reason why her and her father fled to Europe to hide from the Valestra and you guessed it, another flashback! Boy, if they continue with the flashbacks, I'm gonna start a drinking game.
Sean looks down at his desk and sees a bottle of Jagermeister sitting on his desk. "Uh, as tempting as it sounds. I think not. Maybe for another time."
Sean pushes the bottle away.
Sean: (Narrating) After that flashback, Andrea spends the night with Bruce. The next day, Andrea leaves Wayne Manor as Bruce ponders to resume his relationship with Andrea and giving up his Batman persona. Until he looks at one of the photos and noticed a familiar face.
Bruce: (After drawing a smile on the mobster) Oh, no!
(Joker laughs in the background)
"Oh, my God. It's him! It's the man with the pointy nose!" Sean points.
Sean: (Narration) Councilman Reeves is upset about the police losing Batman until he has a visitor and making his big entrance is the clown prince of crime himself...
Joker: Tsk, tsk. And to think our tax money goes to pay those jerks.
Arthur: (Runs) You!
(A clip from Dexter plays)
Erik King: (As James Doakes) Surprise, motherfucker.
Joker: That's right, Artie. Bring in the press, why don't ya? What a photo op: the councilman and his wacky pal.
Reeves: You're no friend of mine.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, The Joker tells Reeves that it wasn't Batman who killed the mobsters.
Councilman Reeves: You're saying it's someone else?
"Duh!" Sean said, making a facepalm. "What do you think? Jackass! You blamed the wrong guy like he's Harrison Ford from The Fugitive, which came out the same year. Just be glad it wasn't the One-Armed Man. But the Joker believes that Reeves needs to protect his reputation now that he's an elected politician. The Joker poisons Reeves with his Joker venom. Later, Batman breaks into the hospital and questions Reeves about why the Joker was meeting with him and how he's involved.
Councilman Reeves: Beaumont needed me to help him and his kid get out of town... (Starts to giggle again) He kept in touch.
Batman: When was the last time you spoke to him?
Reeves: Years ago, my first election campaign. I was running out of money and asked him for help...(giggles) He said no!
Batman: So you sold him to the Mob.
Reeves: (Now laughing hysterically) I was broke! Desperate! They said all they wanted was their money back! (He collapses with laughter, as Batman leaves in disgust)
"Crooked piece of shit. He got what he deserved and I hope he dies laughing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives at Andrea's and get's a message from the Joker, which was meant for Andrea, and we get our last flashback, finally, revealing that the man who later became the Joker carried out the hit against Carl Beaumont.
"Wait, if Carl Beaumont is dead and he's not the Phantasm, if Councilman Reeves is not the Phantasm. So, who the hell is it?" Sean asked.
Phantasm: Joker, your angel of death awaits.
Joker: I'm impressed, lady. You're harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids.
Phantasm: So, you've figured it out.
(The Phantasm is revealed to be Andrea)
M. Night Shamylan: What a twist!
"And here's a bit of trivia, Kenner toys spoiled the identity of the Phantasm because they released the Phantasm action figure with the mask and the identity of the Phantasm before people could go see the damn movie." Sean said.
(Joker punches Andrea and pins her to the ground)
Joker: Nice trick, sweetheart. You could teach old Batsy a thing or two about disappearing.
(Andrea knees Joker in the groin)
"OHHHHHH!" Sean exclaimed.
(a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail plays)
King Arthur (Played by the late Graham Chapman): Jesus Christ!
(A clip from World's Dumbest Record Breakers plays)
Chuck Nice: (in a high pitched voice) Oh, jeez!
(While getting punched by Andrea, Joker tries to grab the meat cleaver, but instead goes for a bologna stick and hits her in the face with it.)
"I once hit somebody in the face with bologna. But it wasn't a bologna, it was my…" Sean said before Tom Hardy from Bronson puts him in check.
Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy) Shut your fucking mouth!
"Alright, I'm so…" Sean said before being interrupted again.
Bronson: Shut the fuck up, you *beep*! Shut it!
Sean stays silent as he continues the review.
Sean: (Narrating) Andrea pursues the Joker until she lands into a trap.
Joker: Well, if it isn't Smoky the Babe. Just in time to meet her biggest fan.
(A giant fan is turned on by the Joker)
"Seriously, don't turn this into Batman & Robin!" Sean exclaimed.
Joker: How about a little pick-me-up? (Laughs)
"Son of a bitch!" Sean yelled, slamming his fist on the desk.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman comes in to save Andrea and begs her to give up her quest for revenge. Andrea refuses and tells Batman that the mob ruined her life by taking away her future with him.
Batman: But Andy... what will vengeance solve?
Andrea: If anyone knows the answer to that, Bruce, it's you.
(Silent pause)
Sean: (Narrating) Andrea leaves as Batman goes after the Joker. Joker sends out his killer toy planes to attack Batman. We need some appropriate music for this.
(The Imperial March from The Empire Strikes Back starts playing while Batman fights off the toy planes. One of the toy planes cut Batman's arm. The record scratches as Batman punches one of the toy planes and destroys the other three)
"I know that Edna Mode from The Incredibles say that capes are bad but they have their uses against killer planes." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narration) After facing off against The Joker's killer planes, Batman chases The Joker as the Clown Prince of Crime tries to make his escape on. (Chuckles) He tries to make his escape on a jetpack. But, it's not long until Batman catches up to him and jumps on his back.
(Batman goes after Joker and jumps on his back, causing him to fly uncontrollably. Joker screams)
Joker: You're crazy! I'm your only chance to get out of here. Let me go or we'll both die!
Batman: Whatever it takes!
"Dude, you should remember this. He's Batman and he's not afraid to die. He doesn't give a damn about dying. If he's going down, then…." Sean said cutting back to the movie.
(Batman and Joker crash through a giant globe and crash land on the ground. Batman and Joker are both bruised and bloodied.)
Joker: (After taking off his jetpack) For once, I'm stuck without a punchline.
"Now, that's what I call a crash landing." Sean said, smiling as an audience boos at his bad pun. "What? What? It's a good one. I'm killing!"
Joker: (Sees Andrea standing in front of him) Uh-oh.
Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Joker knew he fucked up.
(The whole place explodes after the bombs go off. A Latin choir chants as Joker lets out what could possibly be his last laugh)
(Andrea vanishes with the Joker laughing maniacally)
Bruce: Andrea!
Sean: Batman barely escapes by falling into the waterway and swept away by the current. Later, Alfred consoles Bruce, who's heartbroken about Andrea.
Alfred: Vengeance blackens the soul, Bruce I've always feared that you would become that which you fought against. You walk the edge of that abyss every night, but you haven't fallen in and I thank heaven for that. But Andrea fell into that pit years ago. And no one not even you could've pulled her back.
Sean: Bruce notices something shining in the cave and finds Andrea's locket containing a picture of himself and Andrea left behind in the Batcave. Meanwhile, Andrea is standing on an ocean liner deck alone and the film ends with Batman continuing his war on crime as he swings off into the night.
"So, that was Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and the question remains, is it the best Batman film ever? Well, yeah. I grew up watching that film and I loved it. I honestly think that this is the best animated Batman film of all time and I honestly didn't find anything wrong with the movie. Well, except for one. It was a bit short. It could've been longer but hey it's still good." Sean said as clips from the movie start playing. "It's a shame that it didn't do great at the box office, a lot of people loved the film. It gained a cult following after it's release. Plus, it was finally released on Blu-Ray on July 25, 2017. Why can't they release season 18 of The Simpsons?"
Sean turns around and sees the DVD cover art for The Simpsons: The Eighteenth Season with Fat Tony on it and the words "It's Finally Here!" on top.
"It's a Christmas miracle!" Sean cheered. "But, back to the film it's pretty underrated and it still holds up pretty well. Kevin Conroy is awesome as always as Batman/Bruce Wayne, Dana Delany gives a great performance as Bruce's love interest. Her voice performance in the film impressed the filmmakers, leading her to voice Lois Lane in Superman: The Animated Series. But the person who steals the show in the film would have to be Mark Hamill. He is the one and only Joker. You got to love his sick, twisted sense of humor. And that laugh though."
(Clips of The Joker laughing in Mask of the Phantasm start playing)
"I loved Mark Hamill's Joker, except for one person who didn't like it." Sean said.
(A clip from Siskel and Ebert's review of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays.)
Gene Siskel: (on Mark Hamill's Joker) There's more, including the Joker, who frankly was better when Jack Nicholson played him in the first movie or Cesar Romero in the cartoon show on TV. I don't like this Joker's voice.
(A clip from Uncle Buck plays)
Teacher: (Picks up his ruler) Blasphemer!
"Oh, my God. Gene Siskel's an idiot. How can he not like Mark Hamill's Joker?! Another thing I like about the movie was the Phantasm. My God, that dude looks creepy. His voice is eerie as well. Props to Stacy Keach Jr. for voicing both the Phantasm and Carl Beaumont. The filmmakers wanted us to think that it was Andrea's father who's the killer. The Phantasm was based on a character called The Reaper from Batman: Year Two and the character Andrea Beaumont was based loosely on a combination of the characters Judson Caspian and his daughter Rachel. Elements of Batman: Year Two were incorporated into Mask of the Phantasm. And also elements of Batman: Year One as well. The biggest praise I have to give Mask of the Phantasm would be it's animation style and it's music and storyline, that's how much I love that movie. There was also a comic book sequel to the film called Shadow of the Phantasm. The film was also nominated for an Annie Award for Best Animated Film, but lost out to The Lion King. The film's success led to two sequels, Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero and Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman and the spin-off movie Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. I give this movie a watch every time and get pumped up. It's an excellent animated film that everyone needs to see. If your kids could handle scenes like this." Sean said.
(Salvatore Valestra's ghastly smile is shown)
Sean: (V/O) A family picture!
"And if you haven't seen Mask of the Phantasm, I'll let the Phantasm convince you." Sean said.
(The Phantasm is shown walking towards Buzz Bronski)
The Phantasm: Time to pay for your sins.
"Go see Batman: Mask of the Phantasm or meet your angel of death." Sean said in his Phantasm voice. "I'm gonna give Batman: Mask of the Phantasm 4 batarangs out of 5. I'm the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. I have some presents to wrap up."
Sean gets up as Johnny Mathis' rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year starts playing while Sean puts on his Santa hat and starts singing.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Your angel of death awaits.
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. For all of you Batman fans, I hope you've all enjoyed reading it and some of the reviews funny gags that I came up with and the Nostalgia Critic references. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's the Top 11 Christmas Specials, Movies and Episodes (Might need a bit of help on that) and after that, which Christmas movie do you want me to review, will it be A Christmas Story 2 (You'll read my rant about the movie) or Die Hard? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, I wanted to bring up some sad news. Charles Green Jr. a.k.a. Angry Grandpa, sadly passed away at the age of 67 due to cirrhosis. The news hit me hard because he was my favorite YouTuber. I always watch some of Angry Grandpa's videos and I remember watching his video where his son Michael a.k.a. Pickleboy pulled a prank on him and it was the I.R.S. prank and Angry Grandpa got so mad that he ended up destroying the washing machine. I saw the video on TruTv's World Dumbest Brawlers. Hell, he destroyed everything like Michael's PS4, his IPad and his Nintendo Switch. But the most important thing, he touched the lives of many young'in's and his legacy will live on. AGP, you will be forever angry and forever missed and I know that you're up there making God laugh with your raging. Till next time, my fellow readers.
Dedicated to the Memory of
"The Angry Grandpa"
Charles Green
1950-2017