The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so here's how I am going to plan out my reviews, I'll probably do like two or three reviews every month. If the review takes long for me to post, then it'll be pushed back to another month. But don't worry, I'll keep you guys updated. Today, the Mayhem Critic takes on Tobe Hooper's 1986 remake of Invaders From Mars. Is this one of Hooper's best films? We'll find out today in chapter seven of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.
Episode Seven: Invaders From Mars
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Tobe Hooper." Sean says before we cut to a shot of director Tobe Hooper before Sean continues to speak.
"Back in 1974, Hooper terrified us with his cinematic masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The film was a huge success and it was the best and most influential horror film in cinematic history. After the success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this resulted in him directing more movies such as Eaten Alive, The Funhouse and the TV version of Salem's Lot. Then in 1982, he directed the classic supernatural horror film Poltergeist, one of my favorite movies. Although, there's been a big debate on who directed the movie, either Hooper or Steven Spielberg. Let's face it, Hooper directed the movie and Spielberg wrote the screenplay for the movie and he was the producer as well. Hooper was one of the greatest directors of all time. Sadly, back in August of 2017, he passed away due to a terminal illness. His legacy will live on. And what better way to pay tribute to Tobe Hooper is to look at his greatest work Poltergeist." Sean said as we briefly cut to the title for Poltergeist and clips of the movie start playing.
"So, in loving memory of Tobe Hooper, I give you…." Sean said before being interrupted by the sound of his phone's ringtone playing the theme from Batman: The Animated Series and he answers it. "Hello? Huh? I'm not reviewing Poltergeist? But I swore it was my next review and I said that I was going to review…. What?"
Suddenly, Sean's eyes widened in shock.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no! HELL NO! I'M NOT GONNA REVIEW THAT STUPID MOVIE!" Sean yelled as the phone call ends. The young critic sits his phone down on his desk, staying silent for a bit and exhales sharply, gritting his teeth and clenching his fist. "Motherfu….!"
(We briefly cut to the title of today's movie Invaders From Mars and clips from the film start playing)
"Ugh, I cannot believe that I'm going to review this piece of crap! There's no way that I can pay tribute to the late Tobe Hooper without talking about how bad this movie is. This was the second movie of the three-picture deal that Hooper had with Cannon Films. If you don't know what Cannon Films is, it's because they're not around anymore. Yeah, that company crashed and burned like Logan Paul's YouTube career." Sean said before we cut to different films that The Cannon Group produced back in the 80s. "Okay, younglings. You're about to learn about Cannon Films. Back in the 80s, Cannon Films had a reputation. It was owned by the late Menahem Golan and his cousin Yoram Globus. Cannon was best known for their B-movie action films. They ignited the Ninja craze with The Ninja Trilogy, which consists of Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja III: The Domination all starring Sho Kosugi. They were also known for the dance films Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. And they also produced some of the Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson action movies that I enjoyed. Yes, I actually enjoyed watching them. Let's go back to 1984, Tobe Hooper had a meeting with Golan-Globus, they wanted to create a blockbuster film. And that movie was Lifeforce." Sean said as we cut to clips from the movie Lifeforce.
"The movie was based on the book The Space Vampires by the late Colin Wilson. Golan-Globus gave Hooper $25 million dollars and gave him free reign. The film was a financial disaster but it gained a cult-following. I can see why it gained a cult following, Mathilda May's naked throughtout the whole damn film! And to be honest, I didn't have a problem with Lifeforce, I pretty much enjoyed. That is until Hooper directed a second movie for Cannon Films. This movie is a remake of a film from 1953. And that movie is called Invaders From Mars. Am I looking forward to reviewing this movie? No. No, I am not. Just be glad that the Nostalgia Critic didn't review this movie and lose his mind. I know I will. This is Invaders From Mars." Sean said before starting the review.
(The main opening credits of the film start)
Sean: (Narrating) So, our film opens with the longest opening credits and…Okay, why does the opening credits look so familiar? Oh, no. They're ripping off the opening credits from Superman II.
(The opening credits of Superman II start playing)
"Hey, Superman's got a better cast. Superman has Gene Hackman. Invaders From Mars has Laraine Newman. Huh? Laraine Newman from Saturday Night Live? Bad casting choice, Hooper!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from the SNL skit Exorcist II starts playing)
Regan (Played by Laraine Newman): (Menacing) Your mother eats kitty litter!
Father Karras (Played by the late Richard Pryor): (Not sure he heard what he heard) Say what?
Regan: (Menacing) Your mama eats kitty litter!
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, I can give the film some credit, Christopher Young's music score is amazing. (Sees that the screenplay was written by the late Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby) Wait a minute, Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby? This movie was written by Dan O'Bannon? He wrote the screenplay for Alien. And Don Jakoby wrote the screenplay for Arachnophobia. Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby also worked on the John Badham movie Blue Thunder back in 1983.
(Sean then sees that John Dykstra has done the visual effects for the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) And the visual effects were done by John Dykstra. He did the visual effects for the first Star Wars movie back in 1977.
(Sean then sees the late Stan Winston's name in the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) Invader Creatures designed and created by the late Stan Winston. He also did the make-up effects for The Terminator, Aliens and Jurassic Park.
"Alright, here's a quick recap: the people involved with this movie worked on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist, Alien, Arachnophobia, Blue Thunder, Star Wars, The Terminator, Aliens and Jurassic Park. Uh, this movie is supposed to be bad, right?" Sean asked.
Sean (Narrating): Our film opens, with Hooper trying to appeal to young boys, have a main character who's a kid and he's into astronomy. Meet young David Gardner played by Hunter Carson. And this is his father George Gardner, played by Timothy Bottom, and we see that the two of them are watching meteor showers.
David Gardner (Played by Hunter Carson): (While watching the meteor shower) Holy shit!
George Gardner (Played by Timothy Bottoms): Jesus, that's bright!
(David's mother, Ellen, comes outside to tell David it's time for bed)
Ellen Gardner (Played by Laraine Newman): It's time for bed.
Sean: (Narrating) We also meet David's mother, Ellen. She's played by Laraine Newman.
David Gardner: But it's just getting started.
Ellen Gardner: Yeah, but you have school tomorrow.
David Gardner: Well, so do you.
Ellen Gardner: Yeah. That's why we're all going to bed, right?
"Uh, does she even know that this is serious movie, not a comedy? This isn't Saturday Night Live." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that the Gardners are a perfect family living on a small farm. Then one night, David is awoken by a thunderstorm and when he walks over to close his bedroom window, he sees…
(An alien space ship descends and lands in a sand quarry behind David's house)
"Oh, Christ. What is up with the visual effects on this movie? They're so bad. John Dykstra's visual effects were supposed to be good. Why does it look like crap? You should've gotten Richard Edlund to do the visual effects for this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After watching the alien spacecraft landing, David hilariously runs and yells to his parents' room to tell them about what he saw. And when he goes to tell them, they don't believe him.
Ellen Gardner: Well, could've it been something from the base?
David Gardner: No, mom. It wasn't a plane. I've never seen anything like this before.
George Gardner: Maybe it was a meteorite.
David Gardner: No way, dad.
"A meteorite? Where the fuck did you come up with meteorite? Have you ever seen the movie Meteor? New York City got struck down by a large meteor fragment and it ended up destroying most of the city. If it was a large meteor that landed in the back, you would've been dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, David gets ready for school when he began to notice why his father was acting strange.
David Gardner: (After noticing his father is missing a slipper) Uh, what happened to your other slipper, dad?
George Gardner: (Looks down at his feet) What? I lost it.
"Sure you did." Sean said. "Hey, I know a guy who couldn't find his socks."
(A clip from the Batman: The Animated Series episode Harley & Ivy plays)
The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Anybody seen my socks?
Sean: (Narrating) David began to notice a wound on the back of his father's neck and he questions him about it, but George tells David to sit down. And speaking of weird, watch what David's father does in this scene.
(George pours himself a cup of coffee, then pours some mints into his coffee and starts drinking the cup of hot coffee while David watches)
"Oooookay, weird way to drink coffee." Sean said. "But anyway, shouldn't that guy scream after drinking some scolding hot coffee? I mean, here's what would actually happen."
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean pours himself a hot cup of coffee and pulls out some Tic-Tacs from out of his pocket, dumping some into his coffee)
Sean: Cheers.
(Sean drinks the scolding hot coffee and spits it out as he starts screaming like a girl)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to David at school in his Biology class that's being taught by a really strict schoolteacher named Mrs. McPeltch….
Mrs. McKeltch (Played by Louise Fletcher): McKeltch.
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. She's played by Louise Fletcher. And yes, we're going to deal with her hammy acting because she hams it up. Plus, her character is annoying as hell.
Mrs. McKeltch: David Gardner, this may be the way you behave in your house.
David Gardner: But he threw…
Mrs. McKeltch: This is not the way you behave in my classroom.
(The students laugh at David as Mrs. McKeltch raises her hand)
Mrs. McKeltch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Thank you.
"Jesus, I'm so glad that none of my teachers in grade school, middle school and high school aren't like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mrs. McKeltch sends David to the nurse's office after he cuts his finger while throwing a frog at some unruly students, we meet the kindly school nurse named Linda Magnusson, played by the late Karen Black, who you might recognize her from Airport 1975, Dan Curtis' Trilogy of Terror, The Invisible Kid and Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses as Mother Firefly. I also want to add that this is Hunter Carson's mother. Yes, Karen Black and her son Hunter are starring in the same movie together.
Linda Magnusson (Played by the late Karen Black): What? I'm sorry.
Mrs. McKeltch: I said, this silly boy has cut himself. I don't know what's got into him but he's uncontrollable.
Linda Magnusson: I'll take it from here, Mrs. McKletch.
Mrs. McKeltch: McKeltch.
(Mrs. McKeltch leaves the nurse's office as Linda examines the cut on David's finger)
Linda Magnusson: I think you'll live.
"Uh, with that teacher being a total bitch, I don't think so." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, David heads home to watch some Lifeforce on TV.
"I'm not kidding, they're playing Lifeforce on David's television. They're showing the scene with the zombie apocalypse in London. Let's hope that David doesn't stumble upon a naked Mathilda May." Sean said.
Sean: (Narration) And then we get our little jump scare for the movie.
(The toy robot moves and beeps after being turned on)
Ellen Gardner: (In a robotic voice) David Gardner, feed me.
David Gardner: Mom! God! Don't ever do that.
Sean: (V/O as Ellen Gardner) What you like it when I do my comical voices. I was on Saturday Night Live with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd.
Sean: (Narrating) David and his mother begin to worry about David's father like where he's at and why he's acting so strange. Later, they call the cops for them to search for David's father. And by the way, you might recognize the police chief.
(The arrow points to the police officer named Officer Kenney)
"What? No. Not him. That's Kenneth Kimmins from the Craig T. Nelson show Coach. He played Howard Burleigh. Rest in peace, Jerry Van Dyke." Sean said as a photo of the late Jerry Van Dyke is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the actor playing the Police Chief in the movie is Jimmy Hunt. He played David Maclean in the 1953 version of Invaders From Mars.
Police Chief (Played by Jimmy Hunt): Uh, you have any idea where he might be?
David Gardner: Um, maybe he went back over the hill.
Ellen Gardner: No, David.
Police Chief: Excuse me.
Ellen Gardner: David thought he saw a plane crash there last night.
David Gardner: No, I didn't. I saw a UFO. Huge lights, everything.
"Oh, God." Sean chuckled a bit. "Look kid, the police will think that you're crazy if you mention a UFO landing in the back of your house. Boy, sounds like a drunk prank call from TruTV's World's Dumbest Criminals. In fact, here's what would've happened if I heard this kid mentioning a UFO."
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean (as a police officer): Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?
Ellen Gardner: Well, George isn't here.
Sean: Do you have any idea where he might be, Mrs. Gardner?
David Gardner: Um, maybe he went back over the hill.
Ellen Gardner: No, David.
Sean: Beg your pardon?
David Gardner: Copper Hill.
Ellen Gardner: He went up there this morning to take a look. David thought he saw a plane crash there last night.
David Gardner: No, I didn't I saw a UFO. Huge lights, everything.
Ellen Gardner: David, look, stop it!
Sean: A UFO? Is this a joke, kid? Because if it is, then it's not funny. Call me later when there's a real crime.
Ellen Gardner: I'm sorry.
Sean: Have a good day.
(Sean leaves and starts laughing)
Sean: (Laughs) UFO.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the police go up to Copper Hill to search for David's father and then we get our second jump scare for the movie.
(A bird squawks and Ellen gasps)
"Aaaah! Son of a bitch." Sean said. "Seriously, that's not scary."
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, George tries to do a jump scare and he introduces his new friend Ed to Ellen and David. And hey, I don't blame Ellen and David, I would be weirded by those two and I would start asking questions. The police return from Copper Hill and they're starting to act a little strange as well when David began to notice that the police chief touched the back of his neck. Later that night, David is having a peaceful slumber until…
(David closes his eyes in fear as his father enters the room)
"Holy shit, this is dark. He's gonna kill him!" Sean exclaimed, pointing to the camera.
(David's father grabs his bowl filled with pennies and leaves his room)
"Oooookay, what the fuck was that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Then David begins to witness his parents is going down to Copper Hill and David tries to warn his mother.
David: Mom!
"Mom, I need you! I don't want the Evil Monkey to scare me!" Sean cried.
The Evil Monkey pops out of the closet at points at Sean as the young critic screams and hides underneath his desk.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, David begins to notice that his mother is acting a little strange as well. I can see why because she burnt the fucking bacon!
Ellen Gardner: Not hungry, David?
(Ellen eats the burnt piece of bacon)
"Who the fuck eats burnt bacon?" Sean asked while making a face.
Ellen Gardner: I don't think he's feeling well, George.
George Gardner: Hmm. (Grabs himself a piece of burnt bacon and eats it)
Ellen Gardner: I have an idea. Why don't we all go on a picnic up at the hill?
David Gardner: Is this a joke?
(Ellen breaks a piece of raw meat and makes a raw hamburger patty)
George Gardner: We'll have a wonderful time.
(Ellen puts a lot of salt on the raw hamburger patty, then breaks a piece)
Ellen Gardner: I'll pack us a lunch. Hamburgers. You like that, don't you.
(Ellen eats the raw hamburger)
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen plays)
Boris: (Mimicking Chef Ramsay) It's raw! It's fucking raw!
Sean: (Narrating) Since things are getting weird at home, at least things won't get too weird for David at school. Maybe? I mean, it's not like he's gonna walk in on his teacher doing something crazy that would scare children. I mean, this movie is rated PG. What could….
(David walks in as Mrs. McKeltch turns around with a bullfrog in her mouth)
Sean's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped in horror while he continues to watch the scene where Mrs. McKeltch eats the bullfrog while David watches in shock. "What the hell, movie?! Did I just see Louise Fletcher from Exorcist II: The Heretic eating a bullfrog and swallowing it in one big gulp like Natalia Starr in a video? Did I mention that this movie was rated PG? Oh, yeah. Here's a scene to scare your kids. It's bad enough that I watched a PG movie that was directed by Tobe Hooper and it involved somebody ripping their own face off. I hope you kids sleep well."
Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing his teacher re-enacting a scene from V: The Miniseries, David runs out of the classroom with Mrs. McKeltch chasing him and he tries to tell Linda about what's going on with his teacher.
Linda Magnusson: (Laughs) Eating a frog? I don't know, David. That's some kind of story.
David Gardner: It's not a story.
Linda Magnusson: A UFO lands in the back of your house and puts something in your mom and dad's neck, and then it gets your teacher, and the police, and your friend Heather and her father Ed from the telephone company?
Sean: (V/O) Lady, he can prove it. Why don't you go to the teacher and check her damn neck.
Linda Magnusson: David seems concerned about an injury….
(Mrs. McKeltch looks for David while Linda tries to look at the back of her neck)
Linda Magnusson: To your neck.
Mrs. McKeltch: My neck?
Linda Magnusson: Yes, he said that you were wearing a bandage.
Mrs. McKeltch: Why, yes. I have a boil on my neck.
Linda Magnusson: A boil?
Mrs. McKeltch: A boil.
(A clip from Commando plays)
John Matrix (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) Linda tries to check the back of Mrs. McKeltch's neck, but then the crazy schoolteacher tries to get David but Linda won't let her pass. After she realizes that Mrs. McKeltch is acting weird, Linda lets David escape through the window and jumps into a van after he sees his parents and Heather looking for him. Did I mention that Mrs. McKeltch is driving the van? Just to make it short, David tails Mrs. McFilth….
Mrs. McKeltch: McKeltch.
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. He follows her into a cave, which leads to the inside of the spaceship that landed in the back of David's home and we see that Mrs. McKeltch has been assimilated by the alien invaders and we see the leader of the Invaders…
(The Supreme Intelligence is revealed)
"What the? Their leader is Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?" Sean said as a photo of the Supreme Intelligence from Invaders From Mars and a photo of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are shown back to back.
Supreme Intelligence (With the voice of Pat Fraley's Krang): Unlimited power, rubbish. You have given me nothing but empty promises.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, for some apparent reason, Mrs. McKeltch says the strangest thing after having that needle thingy sticking out of her neck.
Mrs. McKeltch: A, e, i, o, u. A, e, i, o, u.
"And sometimes y." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like Solid Snake in the Metal Gear Solid games, he gets spotted.
(The Supreme Intelligence grows as the "Alert" sound from Metal Gear Solid plays after Mrs. McKeltch turns around and sees David)
Mrs. McKeltch: David Gardner! David Gardner! I'll get you.
(David turns and sees the Invader creatures and screams as he runs away, but with an added Road Runner sound effect and speeding up the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) David escapes the Invader ship and then bumps into Linda and he tells her about the Invaders in the ship. David go down to the location where the tunnel was at but it turns out that they moved the tunnels. David tries to warn Linda by taking her up to Copper Hill, until they see two scientists up at the hill and pulls them in.
Sean (V/O as one of the scientists): (While being pulled in by the Invaders) Oh, no! They're gonna eat us! I'm gonna end up like Cartman by getting an anal probe!
Sean: (Narrating) Linda and David go to the gas station to contact the state police to tell them what they saw up at Copper Hill and…
Mrs. McKeltch: You missed the field trip, David Gardner.
(Mrs. McKeltch covers David's mouth and pulls him out of the car. A dramatic sting plays)
Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God…. OH MY GOD!
"Bad touch!" Sean yells out as an alarm goes off and he picks up his phone. "911 Emergency? There's a crazy school teacher abducting Karen Black's son and she's gonna do some bad things to his body. HURRY!"
(David escapes from Mrs. McKeltch's grasp and runs away)
David Gardner: Linda!
(Mrs. McKeltch chases David as Linda spots this and gets in her car to save David)
"That's right, Karen Black. You go out there and save your son." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After a close call with Mrs. McKeltch, David and Linda hide out at the school, that is until the cops found out where they're hiding at, so the two cops from before tried to kill them until an alien drill comes out of the ground and Karen Black does this silly yet over the top scream after seeing the alien drill come out of the ground. Since the alien invaders have gotten everyone in the town, there's only one person that David could think of.
David Gardner: General Wilson.
Linda Magnusson: Who?
David Gardner: General Wilson.
Sean: (Narration) That's right, the military. David tries to warn the military about what's going on. We're introduced to General Climet Wilson, played by James Karen and Sergeant Major Rinaldi, played by Eric Pierpoint.
"Holy cow! Do you know how much of a huge sci-fi nerd I am? Eric Pierpoint from Alien Nation the series and the television movies is on this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see David's father giving two NASA scientists a bomb. Wow, brainwashed people are turning into terrorists. Who do they think they are?
George Gardner: You better hurry or you just might blow it.
"Boo! That's was the worst pun ever!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) General Wilson doesn't buy into the whole story with the research team being sucked into the sand while searching Copper Hill, so he bring in the two research team members into his office to question them.
Gen. Climet Wilson (Played by James Karen): Just have a couple of questions for your team of course about the Copper Hill search.
(The two research workers pull out their guns and aim it at General Wilson as Rinaldi disarms them and knocks them out)
Sean: (Narrating) Right when the two research scientists are about to get questioned, they end up dead in a scene ripping off Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, but with the needle things jetting out of their necks. Meanwhile, two brainwashed scientists are driving to the launch site and cause an act of terrorism by doing a suicide bombing on a rocket by driving a fuel truck into the rocket.
"You bastards! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!" Sean cried out.
Sean: (V/O) That's it, enough is enough. These martians have gone too far. Send in the Marines and play out Christopher Young's epic music score.
(The scene plays out as General Wilson and his team enter the town with David and Linda and investigate David's home and the school. General Wilson and some of his men investigate Copper Hill, one of the soldiers bump into Rinaldi as he falls into the sand pit)
Gen. Climet Wilson: Rinald!
Sean began to chuckle a bit from hearing General Wilson yelling out for Rinaldi. "I'm sorry, the way he yells out for Rinaldi sounds hilarious. Can we play that again?"
Gen. Climet Wilson: Rinaldi!
"Rinaldi!" Sean mimics the character General Wilson.
Sean: (Narrating) Big surprise, the aliens pull in Rinaldi. Don't worry Eric Pierpoint will come back as a Newcomer police detective in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, the rest of the Marines and a NASA scientist named Mark Weinstein, played by Bud Cort, as they come across the Invader creatures and this bozo Weinstein tries to be friendly with them.
Mark Weinstein (Played by Bud Cort): You see? They do understand me.
(One of the Invader creatures vaporize Dr. Weinstein with it's ray gun)
"You fuckin' idiot!" Sean yelled out. "You think that the Invaders want to be friends with you? They don't! God, Mars Attacks! made fun of this."
Sean: (Narrating) Sensing that his parents are in the Invader ship, David runs out into the sand pit, with Linda trying to stop him but they end up getting sucked in by the alien invaders. It's not long until the marines follow them inside by blowing a hole inside. Meanwhile, David gets captured and come across the Supreme Intelligence and….
Mrs. McKeltch: Linda's very busy right now.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, covering his face with both hands and sighs.
David Gardner: They didn't do any harm to you: my mom, dad, Linda, all the others. They're good people. They would never hurt you.
Mrs. McKeltch: It's too late. It's too late.
David Gardner: Shut up, I'm talking to him.
"I agree with David. Lady, please shut up. You're getting pretty annoying." Sean said.
Mrs. McKeltch: It's too late!
David Gardner: Look, I'll stay after school for the rest of my life if you would just shut up for a second!
(Mrs. McKeltch starts laughing, in an over the top way)
"Shut up!" Sean growled, clenching his fist.
David Gardner: Don't you understand? You can't do this to people. You can't control them, it's wrong. You're not going to get away with it.
Mrs. McKeltch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!
"SHUT UP! I can't STAND it anymore!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) David tries to reason with the Supreme Martian Intelligence but the Invader leader won't take no for an answer.
Supreme Intelligence (Voiced by Brian Penikas) Poor little guy. Poor little guy.
David Gardner: I'll fix you! You dickbrain!
(David punches the Supreme Martian Intelligence as Mrs. McKeltch gasps in shock)
Mrs. McKeltch: (Grabs David) You bad boy!
(David hits her in the head with a bag of pennies as Mrs. McKeltch screams in a hilarious, comical way, then one of the Invaders pushes her into one of the Invader creature's mouth, in which she gets eaten up.)
"Thank you." Sean smiled.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, General Wilson and his team investigate the Invader ship and bump into Rinaldi, who's now assimilated by the Invaders.
Gen. Climet Wilson: Oh, Christ. No. No, Rinaldi. No.
Sgt. Maj. Rinaldi (Played by Eric Pierpoint): General, stay back!
Gen. Climet Wilson: Don't do it, Rinaldi!
"Why are you idiots standing around for? He's gonna kill you! Shoot him!" Sean yelled out. "You know what, fuck it! I'll do it myself!"
Sean pulls out his uzi from underneath his desk and starts shooting at Rinaldi.
"You idiots are too damn slow!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) David meets up with General Wilson and his team as they race against time to save Linda from being assimilated by the Invaders and the Marines gun down the Supreme Intelligence and the Invader creatures and save Linda before planting the charges to blow up the ship and make their escape. With only five minutes to escape and the Invaders sealing the entrance, David uses one of the Invaders weapons to blow a hole in the ship by using copper to fuel the weapon and he uses his dad's mint conditioned penny. They make their escape until David bumps into his parents.
George Gardner: Come with us.
Ellen Gardner: Hurry, dear.
George Gardner: They'll leave without us.
David Gardner: No, no. Please.
"Kid, get out of there. The ship is about to blow. To hell with your parents. Let the school nurse adopt you." Sean said.
David Gardner: Mom, dad. I love you. Please understand but I just can't go with you.
Ellen Gardner: David!
George Gardner: David.
(David's parents chase him out of the ship, we then cut to the timer on the explosives counting down)
Sean: (Narrating) The alien invader ship leaves and explodes. David's parents are back to normal, David runs to his parents in a loving embrace and they all live happily ever….
(David wakes up only to realize it's a dream)
David Gardner: Mom! Mom, dad! Help! Dad!
Sean looks at the camera in disbelief only to find out that it was only a dream. "What? What? WHAT?! It was only a dream! A goddamned dream that this kid was having? Screw you, movie! You made us think that this was actually happening. Now I remember why this movie pissed me off so damn much was because of the fucking ending! Ok, that's it. I'm finished with this review. And that was Invaders From Mars, what a sack of monkey sh…."
(We cut to David looking at his window)
"No, no. I'm done. We just saw that this was a dream. There's no need to continue this review." Sean said, crossing his arms before cutting back to the movie.
(David runs over to the window, opening it, only to see that the Invader spaceship is landing, only to realize that his dream is actually real)
David: (Runs screaming to his parents' bedroom) Mom, dad!
(David opens the bedroom door and screams as an alien noise can be heard, leaving David's fate unknown)
"Holy cow! I take it all back. I loved this ending. I have to credit them pulling a fake-out ending then they show us that this is actually happening. And that was Invaders From Mars and is it considered to be the worst film that Cannon Films have produced? Well, looking back at it again, I still find it enjoyable to watch. I know that it has some of it's out there moments and a few silly moments as well. I mean, why couldn't this film have a cult following just like Hooper's two other films from Cannon Films? And the two films that had a cult following were Lifeforce and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. The good thing about the movie was the design of the Invader creatures that the late Stan Winston created. This was the same guy who worked on the Terminator movies and the Jurassic Park films. And Christopher Young's music score was pretty good as well. When you listen to the main titles for the movie, it has a kind of Jerry Goldsmith-feel to it. And even though that the visual effects look silly, the effects were pretty good. Because of the negative reviews of the film, it was nominated for two awards at the 7th Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Supporting Actress for Louise Fletcher and Worst Visual Effects. For me, it's one of those "Guilty Pleasures" movies that I really enjoy. A movie so bad that it's good. And every time when they show this movie Epix or Showtime, I end up watching it. If you're in for a good riff, check out Invaders From Mars. I know that they're showing it on Hulu, so go check it out. That's why I'm going to give Invaders From Mars three Invader creatures out of five. That's all for this review but before I go, next month is February and I know that you all are expecting me to talk about romantic comedies but no, I want to do something different. Because February is… Lethal Weapon Month." Sean said after pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol while John Eric Alexander's iconic music from the Lethal Weapon trailers start playing. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time for Lethal Weapon Month."
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Poor little guy.
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Invaders From Mars. I finally finished the review and I hope you're all excited for Lethal Weapon Month in February where I will be talking about all four of the Lethal Weapon movies, so get ready. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for Lethal Weapon Month. Till next time, my fellow readers.
This Review is Dedicated to the Memory of
Tobe Hooper
January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017