The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic and a happy February to you all because it's only 24 days left till I turn 26. Yep, my birthday is coming up. Plus, Disney's Zombies is coming up as well, so I hope you're excited for that one and I'll probably review it. Also, I hope that you're excited for the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic because today is the first day of Lethal Weapon Month, where the Mayhem Critic takes a look at all four of the Lethal Weapon movies. So, sit back and relax as we take a look at the first film in the Lethal Weapon series, Lethal Weapon. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.
Lethal Weapon Month Part 1: Lethal Weapon
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And since it's the first day of February and you probably know what it's the first day of. That's right, I've created my first silly celebration! This is Lethal Weapon Month!" Sean exclaimed as John Eric Alexander's music from the Lethal Weapon trailers play out as we get the Lethal Weapon Month introduction with clips of Sean superimposed in all four Lethal Weapon posters and clips from all four Lethal Weapon movies play out ending with Murtaugh saying "I'm too old for this shit."
"Hell, yes. Lethal Weapon. One of the best buddy cop movies of the 80s. The film was No. 1 at the box office and it influenced numerous "buddy cop" films like Tango & Cash, Bad Boys and the Rush Hour trilogy. This film has a pretty interesting production history. Let me talk about a guy named Shane Black." Sean said as we cut to a photo of Shane Black. "He's the guy that wrote the screenplay for Lethal Weapon and he's also directed, produced and written a couple other films too. And remember the movie Predator? He played that geeky soldier named Hawkins. He also wrote the screenplay for The Monster Squad with Fred Dekker, who will be co-writing the script for the new Predator movie with him, The Last Boy Scout, Last Action Hero, Lethal Weapon 2, we'll talk about that later. And before you Marvel Cinematic Universe fanboys and fangirls out there start bitching at me for forgetting this, he also directed Iron Man 3. Much like the many tropes of Stephen King, here's something that we like to call "Shane Blackisms", in which Lethal Weapon follows. Anyway, let's talk about the film's production history. In 1985, Shane Black wrote the screenplay for Lethal Weapon. The original first draft of the script was very different and much darker than the final film. After disliking the first draft and later picked it up again and re-wrote it into new drafts. After Black's script was purchased by the studio execs at Warner Bros., they had to pick someone to direct this film. Originally, Leonard Nimoy was one of the choices but he did not feel comfortable doing action films and he was busy filming Three Men and a Baby at the time. So, who did they pick? Richard Donner. Yep, the same guy who directed The Omen and Superman and he also directed Ladyhawke. If you guys want me to talk about The Toy, that was the dumbest Richard Donner movie ever. So, we got a director and now we need our two main stars for the movie. How about Mad Max and the one of the killers from that Harrison Ford movie Witness?"
We then cut to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover with the bell ringing and a thumbs up.
"Looks like we got our cast. Let's see what Shane Black, Richard Donner, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover cooked up for us. This is the first Lethal Weapon." Sean said before the review starts.
Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in Los Angeles and following it's "Shane Blackisms" it's gotta take place during Christmas. Yes, it's Christmas movie. And how do I know it's a Christmas movie? Because they're playing this Christmas song.
(Bobby Helms' rendition of Jingle Bell Rock plays throughout the opening credits while we get a shot of an apartment building.)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to…hello! Tits ahoy!
(A half-naked woman's bare breasts is censored with Sean's smiling superimposed)
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we see a young woman, a very attractive woman. And how do I put this so I won't offend. She's a person who works on the streets for money and sleeps with guys. She's a prostitute and we see that she's drugged out of her mind by sniffing coke and getting some fresh air by walking out to the apartment balcony and standing on the railing….wait what?
(The young woman, played by Jackie Swanson from Cheers, climbs on top of the railing and looks down)
"Honey, wait. Please don't jump. You got a lot to live for. You'll be married to some idiot bartender from Indiana in five years, don't jump!" Sean yelled out.
(The young woman jumps off of the railing and lands to her death on top of a blue car, then we get a shot of her dead body on top of the vehicle)
"Uh, is it a bad to do a Space Jam joke? We just saw a woman committing suicide and I don't want to get in trouble." Sean said. "And by the way, great way to start out a Christmas movie."
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a house in the suburbs and we're introduced to LAPD Homicide Sergeant Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover. And we see that it's his 50th birthday. We're also introduced to his family as well. His wife Trish, played by singer/actress Darlene Love, his oldest daughter Rianne, played by Traci Wolfe, his eldest son Nick, played by Damon Hines and his youngest daughter Carrie, played by Ebonie Smith.
Rianne Murtaugh (Played by Traci Wolfe): The big 5-0. You know what, your beard's getting gray. Kind of makes you look old. But I guess it's all right 'cause I still love you. (She kisses her father) Bye, Pa.
(Rianne leaves the bathroom as Roger looks at the mirror, taking a look at himself)
"You know she's right, you're turning into the black Santa Claus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to another character in the movie. We're introduced to Sergeant Martin Riggs, an ex-Special Forces soldier turned narcotics officer and….
(Riggs gets out of bed and we see footage of Riggs' ass with Mel Gibson's face superimposed)
Sean closes his eyes and screams in disgust. "Fuck it, movie! Fuck it! Why did you have to give us a shot of Mel Gibson's bare ass?! What? Is it something for the ladies, Donner? Why?! Why, Richard Donner?! WHY?!"
(A clip from National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 plays)
Jack Colt (Played by Emilio Estevez): I'm just taking one of those unmotivated-butt-in-the-moonbeam walks.
Sean: (Narrating) We also know that Riggs lost his wife, Victoria Lynn, two years ago in a car accident. And here's the thing about Riggs, he's a tad bit on the crazy side. And I mean, he's Danny Bonaduce-crazy.
"How do I know he's crazy? Uh, when he walked out in the middle of a school yard while a sniper was shooting at him and Riggs unloads a full clip into him. That's how crazy he is." Sean said as a clip from the Director's Cut-version of Lethal Weapon plays.
Detective: You're one psycho son of a bitch but you're good.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of the death of his wife, Riggs takes his aggressions out on criminals. And did I mention that he's suicidal?
(Riggs takes his Beretta 92F and sticks the barrel of the gun in his mouth, with his finger on the trigger)
Bugs Bunny (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): (On TV) Merry Christmas! Deck the halls! Joyous yuletide!
(The screen fades to black as we hear a gunshot. Then the credits roll with Elvis Presley's rendition of I'll Be Home For Christmas starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, that didn't even happen. He doesn't even go through with it. Meanwhile with Murtaugh drives to the crime scene and the jumper was revealed to be Amanda Hunsaker, the daughter of Murtaugh's old army buddy Michael Hunsaker. We also learn that autopsy reports show that she was poisoned with drain cleaner. Oh, and also Murtaugh's getting a new partner.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Partner again?
"Way to go, Rog!" Sean applauded. "Somebody give this man a prize. And guess who's going to be your new partner."
(Murtaugh sees Riggs pulling out his gun)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Gun!
(Murtaugh runs at Riggs as Riggs throw the older officer down on the ground and points his gun at him)
Boyette (Played by Grand L. Bush): Rog, meet your new partner.
(Riggs smiles at Murtaugh)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.
I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #1
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh to know each other and they don't get along with each other at first.
Sgt. Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: What?
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice. Looks like we both got fucked.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Terrific.
(They both get into Murtaugh's car)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hate him back. It works for me.
"Oh yeah, great team, an ex-army officer and a cop, great combo. Nothing can possibly go wrong." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at a nightclub. We're introduced to a gang of drug smugglers, led by a retired general named Peter McAllister….
(A photo of the late John Heard as Peter McCallister)
"Wha..? No, wrong guy. That's the father from Home Alone. The other guy is older, probably 58 years old." Sean said.
(A photo of Mitchell Ryan as Anthony Tonell from the NBC soap opera Santa Barbara pops up)
"There we go." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is General Peter McAllister, played by Mitchell Ryan. Who you might recognize him as Ryker's father in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Tillet Main from the TV miniseries North and South, Anthony Tonell from the NBC soap opera Santa Barbara and Dr. Terrence Wynn from Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. And this is his right-hand man Mr. Joshua, he's played by Gary Busey.
"Oh, boy. The amount of Gary Busey jokes that I'm gonna come up with for this review. And I've got a ton of them." Sean said as his friend Brian almost chokes on his beer upon finding out that Gary Busey plays Mr. Joshua.
"No way, the Texan who got brain damage in a motor bike crash?" Brian asked.
"Yep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out these group of drug smugglers are mercenaries known as "Shadow Company", a heroin-smuggling operation run by former special forces operators from the Vietnam War.
McAllister (Played by Mitchell Ryan) Do you smoke?
"Uh, what the fuck kind of question is that?" Sean asked.
McAllister: Do you smoke?!
Sean yelps. "No, but I have a lighter that I use to light fireworks on the Fourth of July."
Sean pulls out his lighter in fear.
McAllister: Give me your lighter.
"Oh, hell no. You're probably going to do something crazy like flicking the lighter on and hold underneath Gary Busey's arm to burn him…." Sean said before being interrupted by General McAllister again.
McAllister: Your lighter!
"Here, take the fucking lighter!" Sean throws the lighter off-screen before cutting back to the clip.
(A thug grabs Mendez's arm, General McAllister grabs Mendez's hand, still holding the lighter)
Mendez (Played by Ed O'Ross): Hey, man, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?
McAllister: Shut your mouth! Shut up! And don't move.
(McAllister flicks the lighter on)
McAllister: Mr. Joshua, your left arm, please.
(Mr. Joshua bares his arm and allows the lighter to be held under his forearm, which starts to burn)
Mendez: You guys are fuckin' crazy, man. Come on!
(McAllister clicks the lighter off)
McAllister: You wish to do business with us, yes?
Mendez: Jesus Christ.
McAllister: You wish to make a purchase, yes?
Mendez: Yes, yes! Jesus Christ, yes.
McAllister: The bulk of the heroin will be here Friday night, we'll make delivery at that time. Have the money ready, and no tricks. If you try anything…. You'll have to talk to Mr. Joshua.
"Jesus Christ! I'm afraid of Gary Busey now! This guy is even crazier than me!" Sean exclaimed as he got up from his desk and starts drinking a bottle of Heineken while shooting his gun in the air.
"And Mr. Joshua? Really? No last name?" Brian asked.
Sean (Narrating): Meanwhile, Murtaugh breaks the news to his old Army buddy, Michael Hunsaker, that his daughter was murdered. And we see that Michael Hunsaker is played by Tom Atkins from Halloween III: Season of the Witch.
"Okay, folks. Just to recap: we have an actor who was on a horrible Halloween movie five years ago and we have another actor who will star in another horrible Halloween movie eight years later." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael tried to get in touch with Murtaugh because he concerned about his daughter's involvement in drugs, prostitution and pornography and he wanted him to help get her out of that life. Then, Michael makes this little demand that I have to question.
Michael Hunsaker (Played by Tom Atkins): I want you to find whoever's responsible for this however many of them there are. Please, I know you can do it. Just find them and kill them.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Mike, I'm a police officer.
Michael Hunsaker: I don't give a shit you're a police officer, Roger! I know you're a fucking police officer! Kill them! Just kill them! You find them and you kill them. You can do that. You owe me.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I owe you.
"Why would you ask a cop to kill people? That's not how they operate like that, dude." Sean said. "If I was Murtaugh in that situation, here's what would probably happen."
(Cutaway Gag)
Michael Hunsaker: I want you to find whoever's responsible for this however many of them are. Please, I know you can do it. Just find them and kill them.
Sean: Dude, have you gone mental? I'm not a freakin' hitman. Do I look like I'm bald and have a barcode on the back of my head? Why the hell are you asking me to kill people? I'm a cop, you idiot!
Michael Hunsaker: I don't give a shit you're a police officer! I know you're a fucking police officer! Kill them! Just kill them!
Sean: Forget it! Get somebody to do the job for you. Better yet, turn into Charles Bronson or Bruce Willis in Death Wish because you definitely have one! Ask me to kill someone and the only person that I'm going to kill with my bare hands will be you! And Halloween III sucks ass!
(Sean leaves)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) And we also learn why Rog owed Michael, because during the Vietnam War back in 1965, Hunsaker saved Murtaugh's life and….wait a minute.
"Hold on. Go back." Sean said as he picks up the remote to play back the scene where Riggs and Murtaugh are walking by a theater that is showing the Lost Boys. "Lost Boys. This year's hit. Richard Donner didn't waste any time plugging his other work while filming this movie back in 1986. And by the way, The Lost Boys came out four months later after Lethal Weapon back in 1987."
Sean: (Narrating) So, after that little easter egg. Riggs and Murtaugh get a call about salesman threatening to jump. What better way is to send a police psychiatrist to talk to the guy. Or send the crazy cop up there to talk to the guy to keep him from jumping. Uh, why do I feel like this is a really bad idea?
(Riggs cuffs himself and McCleary together)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, shit.
McCleary (Played by Michael Shaner): Hey, what are you doing?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: See this key? (Throws the key) Bye-bye.
McCleary: You're crazy!
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Now you can jump if you want to, but you'll be taking me with you and that makes you a murderer.
McCleary: Fuck you, I'm jumping!
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Do you really want to jump?! Do you wanna? Well, then that's fine with me. Come on! Let's do it, asshole. Let's do it.
(A clip from American Housewife plays)
Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm…down!
"Okay, it's just either Mel Gibson playing the character or that he's just acting crazy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs jumps off of the building with the jumper handcuffed, I mean, with the handcuffs breaking apart as they jumped. He successfully brings the jumper down but Murtaugh isn't pleased. He's very livid and questions Riggs' insanity.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss….
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no – you wanna die?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You want to die!
Sgt. Martin Riggs: I don't. I'm not afraid of it. I ain't afraid of it.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Pulls out his Smith & Wesson Model 19 revolver from out of his holster) Here, take my gun. Don't nibble on the barrel, pull the trigger.
(Riggs grabs Murtaugh's gun and sticks it to his temple)
Sgt. Martin Riggs: You shouldn't tempt me, man.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Put it in your mouth.
A confused look appeared on Sean's face. "I'm sorry, what did he say?"
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Put it in your mouth.
Sean's eyes widened and his jaw dropped in shock as the Canada Puppet PSA pops up next to him.
Boy Puppet: (Singing) Don't you put it in your mouth.
Girl Puppet: (Singing) Don't you put it in your mouth.
"No! No! NO! We're not gonna do that?!" Sean yelled, pushing the PSA out of the way.
Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh stops Riggs from shooting himself and he sees how crazy he is.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You're not trying to draw a psycho pension. You really are crazy.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm hungry. I'm gonna go and get something to eat.
"Better yet, have a Snickers. You're not you when you're hungry." Sean said as he pulls out a Snickers bar from out of his desk.
"I'm sure Roger is thinking, 'What the fuck did I walk into?'" Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh then talks to police psychiatrist Dr. Stephanie Woods, played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor, and she tells him that Riggs has a death wish and that he's a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: So you're saying I should worry?
Dr. Stephanie Woods (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): Yeah, I think you should worry. And when he goes, you don't wanna be anywhere near him.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Thank you, doctor. You've been very, very helpful.
Dr. Stephanie Woods: You're welcome. (She hangs up the phone)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.
I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #2
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh drive up to Beverly Hills to question Amanda's pimp, but finds a drug lab on the premises and Joan Severance in her feature film debut in an uncredited role as the Girl in Black Playsuit. And a gunfight ensues between Riggs, Murtaugh and Amanda's pimp.
(Amanda's pimp shoots at Riggs and Murtaugh but misses. Riggs and Murtaugh shoot at the pimp, hitting him in the leg)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: See how easy that was? Boom! Still alive. Now, we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. The point being no killing.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: No killing. Right.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs picks up Amanda's pimp and tries to arrest him, but the guy won't go down without a fight when he pulls out a gun and tries to kill Murtaugh. Riggs saves Murtaugh's life and shoots the pimp.
"It should've been no killing, except for self-defense." Sean said.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.
(We cut to a photo of Mel Gibson with tattoos on his face, gold chains around his neck with a joint in his mouth with the words "Thug Life" next to him while Snoop Dogg's Serial Killa starts playing)
"And by the way, isn't Murtaugh being quite judgmental there considered the fact that the only person Riggs has killed was the person that was trying to kill him? I mean, try and be more considerate. The man saved your life and you're being a dick about it." Sean said.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Sorry about all that shit I said out there. You saved my life. Thank you.
"That's more like it, I think." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Murtaugh invites Riggs over for dinner and introduces his new partner to his family and his daughter Rianne takes a liking to Riggs.
(Murtaugh notices Rianne staring at Riggs)
Trish Murtaugh (Played by Darlene Love) Rianne, get the dessert. Please, honey.
(Rianne continues to look at Riggs)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Rianne, your mother said get the dessert.
(Rianne get up from her seat and smiles at Riggs)
Nick Murtaugh (Played by Damon Hines): Get the dessert!
Carrie Murtaugh (Played by Ebonie Smith): Get to it!
Rianne Murtaugh: Shut up.
(Rianne walks over to the refrigerator to get the dessert and continues to look at Riggs)
Rianne Murtaugh: Mr. Riggs, would you like a tart?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Thank you, yeah. Call me Martin.
Rianne Murtaugh: (Smiles) Martin.
"For the love of God. Please tell me that there isn't fanfics about Riggs and Rianne on Fanfiction." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Got to give this film some credit, it has some good character interaction here and we get a little bonding moment between Riggs and Murtaugh drinking beer on Murtaugh's boat. Another "Shane Blackism" trait in which two main characters become friends.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Do what?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: When I was 19 I did a guy in Laos.
"You better be talking about killing a guy in Laos." Sean said with a blank expression on this face.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind.
"Oh. Well, then you're good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After everything's quieted down, Murtaugh goes through the mail finding police evidence for the Hunsaker case containing a high school yearbook and a pornographic movie featuring Amanda Hunsaker.
"If I wanted to watch hot showers I would rather watch Hustler's Hot Showers with Elsa Jean And Alexis Fawx having hot lesbian sex in the tub and in that case how can I jack off to this while Danny Glover is watching?!" Sean said, doing his imitation of The Cinema Snob.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, a coffee-wielding Riggs wakes Murtaugh up and he's desperate to tell him everything he's thinking about with the case. So, what better way to talk about the case is to go to the shooting range and start talking about it.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Let's say that Dixie put the drain cleaner in her pills.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Say someone paid her to do it.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Sure, she thinks fine Amanda swallows a couple of downers and (fires his gun) she's dead.
"The show American Housewife stars Katy Mixon as Katie Otto, Diedrich Bader as her husband Greg Otto, Meg Donnelly as Taylor Otto in which Johnny Sequoyah played the role in the pilot episode." Sean said, firing his gun repeatedly. "Wait, what was I talking about again?"
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh drive over to Dixie's house to question her and some kids are there to distract them, just as long as they avoid this.
(Riggs and Murtaugh walk up to Dixie's house but the house explodes)
(Murtaugh tries to put the flames out on Riggs' coat)
Sgt. Martin Riggs: What are you a fag?
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, Mel." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They call for backup and what do they find in the aftermath? They find Dixie's corpse and fragments of the bomb that was used and Riggs recognizes it.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: This is real pro stuff. I haven't seen anything like this since the war. The CIA, they used to hire Mercs. They use the exact same setup, mercury switches. Kablooie, that's heavy shit.
"Someone knows what he's talking about if he fought in Vietnam." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh question one of the children who witnessed the man who planted the bomb and confirms that the guy was a mercenary when he recognized the same tattoo that Riggs has on his arm. A Special Forces tattoo.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: What the hell have we gotten into here?
Sean: (Narrating) Suspecting that Hunsaker knows more than meets the eye, Riggs and Murtaugh approach Hunsaker at Amanda's funeral and Murtaugh believes that Amanda died because of him.
Michael Hunsaker: Roger, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
(Hunsaker sticks his hand inside his suit jacket)
"Oh, my God! The douchebag father from Creepshow is about to pull out a gun! Rog, shoot him!" Sean yelled out.
Michael Hunsaker: (Pulls out his pills from out of his pocket) Take it easy, man.
Sean: (Narrating) Hunsaker then spill the beans to Murtaugh.
Michael Hunsaker: It goes all the way back to the war. I ended up working for a group called Air America.
(A poster of the Mel Gibson/Robert Downey, Jr. movie called Air America pops up)
Michael Hunsaker: CIA front. They secretly ran the entire war out of Laos. I was with a special unit called Shadow Company, mercs trained killers. We also formed a plan.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Keep talking.
Michael Hunsaker: Couple of years ago, Shadow Company got together again. The war was over but we still had our sources in Asia.
Sean: (Narrating) Hunsaker tells Murtaugh that they've been bringing in heroin from sources in Asia, two major shipments a year and that is all run by ex-CIA, soldiers and mercs and they were using his bank as cover. He was going to tell the cops so they killed his daughter. Then, the movie goes straight into Die Hard-territory when Mr. Joshua arrives in a helicopter.
(Mr. Joshua arrives in a helicopter, aiming his scoped Colt XM177 Commando as he assassinates Michael Hunsaker. The bullet hits Hunsaker and goes through a carton of egg nog.)
"Nooooooo! Not the egg nog! Why did you have to take out the poor, defenseless egg nog in the process of killing Tom Atkins? Please, take me. Take me instead!" Sean cries.
Sean: (Narrating) After eliminating Hunsaker, Mr. Joshua informs General McAllister that the police know about their little operation and General McAllister decides to go after Riggs and Murtaugh and eliminate them as well.
"Holy shit, this is getting real. So, how are they going to kill Riggs and Murtaugh? Are they going to plant a bomb in Riggs' trailer and blow him up and have somebody in Murtaugh's house and wait until he's alone and slit his throat? The possibilities of killing these guys are endless." Sean said.
(Shadow Company arrives in a car as Mr. Joshua shoots Riggs with a Remington 870 shotgun, sending Riggs through a window)
"RICKY! Uh, wrong movie. I mean, RIGGS!" Sean yelled out.
Gary Busey: (From Hitman) You'll never find me! I have the power of invisibility!
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah Mr. Joshua re-enacted a scene from Boyz N the Hood on Riggs in an attempt to kill him. But Riggs is saved by a bulletproof vest. Worst. Mercenaries. Ever! Oh, and Riggs recognizes the man in the helicopter.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: (After recognizes Mr. Joshua) The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You sure?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an asshole.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh fake his death to gain the upper hand. Then, Murtaugh hears the description of a body that was found and that's the kid who Rianne's been dating, so he rushes home fearing for his daughter's safety. Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at the house, kicking the door open and their guns drawn but they're too late as they find a not from Joshua telling them that they have his daughter and then they get a call from Mr. Joshua telling him that they have his daughter. Really? Make up your mind, leave a note or give them a phone call. Don't do both! And by the way, a character getting kidnapped, that's another "Shane Blackism" trait.
"Boy, am I going to play the Shane Black drinking game? Because I am prepared to do so." Sean said as he picks up a bottle of Jagermeister.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh come up with a plan to save Rianne from Shadow Company. And with the room bathed in red lights, you know that Riggs and Murtaugh are out for blood.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I know.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.
Sean: (Narrating) They then get a call from Shadow Company to tell them where to meet them. The next day, they drive to the location where Murtaugh drops Riggs off, who's armed with a Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle with a high-capacity magazine and Harris bipod. We know that we're very familiar with his skills so we know he's up to the task, while Murtaugh arrives at the rendezvous point where the kidnappers arrive in cars and a helicopter.
"Let the fun begin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And negotiations start with Murtaugh demanding to see his daughter before anything else. Rianne gets out of the car unharmed and then Murtaugh makes his offer by pulling out a live grenade minus the pin.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Let her go now or we all die.
Gustaf (Played by Gustav Vintas): Take him! He has a grenade!
Henchman With Glasses Counter:
#1. Gustaf
Mr. Joshua: He's bluffing. He wouldn't risk killing his own daughter.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: If she's gonna die, she's gonna die with me! My way not yours!
"Jesus! Seriously, Rog! Do you have a death wish? You're just going to risk your life and your daughter's life? Boy, Riggs is starting to rub off on him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Joshua, being the badass that he is, shoots Murtaugh in the arm, causing him to drop the grenade, which explodes. However the grenade was a smoke grenade as Riggs provides sniper support, taking out a few of the henchman, allowing Rianne to escape.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: (Has his sights on Mr. Joshua, preparing to eliminate him) Come on, cottontail. Stick your head out. That's it you son of a bitch. Goodnight.
(General McAllister points his Heckler & Koch MP5A3 at Riggs)
McAllister: Don't try it, son. You're not that fast.
"Well, so much for their plan. I thought there was a plan in place but they ended up getting captured by the bad guys just so they can torture them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrated) Riggs is handcuffed and interrogated by Mr. Joshua and the candy bar-stealing terrorist from Die Hard and he ends up shocking Riggs with a device.
(Endo, played by Al Leong, shocks Riggs with a device. Riggs screams)
Mr. Joshua: Hit him again!
(Endo shocks Riggs again. Riggs screams as his body shakes violently)
"I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!" Sean yelled out as he was doing his imitation of Martin Riggs. "You see, there are some cats who are into this shit."
Sean: (Narrating) While Riggs is getting electrocuted, Murtaugh is tortured by McAllister's men as well, by beating him and putting salt on his bullet wound. Then they'll try to torture his daughter for information. Just as though Riggs is about to give up, he manages to fight back and snap Endo's neck with his legs and makes his escape.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I've told you everything!
McAllister: We'll soon know, won't we?
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm warning you, don't…..
McAllister: Spare me, son. It's over. There's no more heroes left in the world.
(Riggs kicks the door open)
Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Mind if I join the party? Why wasn't I invited?
McAllister: Kill that son of a bitch!
Sean: (V/O as Riggs) They may take our lives, but they'll never take… OUR FREEDOM!
(Riggs snaps one of the henchmen's neck)
Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Go with God, motherfucker!
(Riggs shoots the henchman and shoots another)
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: The asshole's getting away! Riggs, he's getting away!
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Who's fucking next?! McAllister! Who's next?!
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs frees Murtaugh and Rianne and then he says this line.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: (After rescuing Roger and Rianne) What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd?
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: What?
Sgt. Martin Riggs: Let's get the flock out of here.
"Seriously? Are you trying to whip out the bad jokes like Danny Bonaduce?" Sean asked.
(Riggs, Murtaugh and Rianne escape to find themselves at a busy nightclub used as a front for Shadow Company. Gustaf sees Riggs but Riggs shoots him without anyone hearing the gunshot)
"Why isn't anyone reacting to that? I know that there's music playing but come on no one's reacting to that. Do you want me to go back to the Die Hard review where I talked about the differences between a scream and a gunshot?" Sean asked. "Boy, 80s movie logic could be dumb at some times."
Sean: (Narrating) A gunfight breaks out as Mr. Joshua manages to escape and steal a car, then shoot at Riggs)
(Mr. Joshua shoots at Riggs with his Colt XM177 Commando)
We then cut to Sean firing his uzi and imitating Gary Busey. "I will destroy you before you make The Passion of the Christ!"
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs manages to go after Mr. Joshua on foot while Murtaugh goes after General McAllister. Riggs shoots at the car on the overpass, causing the car to catch fire and Mr. Joshua manages to go all GTA V on our asses.
Mr. Joshua: (Stealing a man's car) Mind if I test drive your Audi?
(A clip from World's Dumbest Drivers plays)
Gary Busey: You're not taking my car!
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Joshua gets away, which anger Riggs. However, back with Murtaugh, he confronts General McAllister, who tries to run him over. Murtaugh takes out McAllister's driver and he ends up crashing his car on Hollywood Boulevard and is killed when hand grenades in his car detonates. Riggs meets up with Murtaugh and he tells him that Mr. Joshua got away and they both race to Murtaugh's house, knowing that he'll go after his family. And sure enough, he shows up and kills two officers and shoots his way into Murtaugh's house and finds it empty.
(Mr. Joshua enters the kitchen and sees that the 1951 version of Scrooge is playing on the television)
Mrs. Dilber (Played by the late Kathleen Harrison): Good morning, sir.
Ebenezer Scrooge (Played by the late Alastair Sim): Tell me, what day is it?
Mrs. Dilber: What day?
(Mr. Joshua shoots the television)
Mr. Joshua: Goddamn Christmas!
Sean starts picking up his phone and calls his girlfriend Taylor Addison. "Hi, Taylor. Yeah, sweetie. Let's not invite Gary Busey over for Christmas this year."
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Joshua finds a note and then it turns into an Allstate Mayhem commercial when a police car crashes into the living room and then he starts shooting up the car. He's caught and held at gunpoint and then this happen.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: What do you say, Jack? Would you like a shot at the title?
Mr. Joshua: Don't mind if I do.
"Oh, my God. Okay, we have Mel Gibson and Gary Busey about to get into a violent fist fight in the suburbs with Danny Glover and the LAPD watching them. This is going to be the most fucking epic fight scene ever. It's Mel Gibson vs. Gary Busey. It's crazy Christian vs. crazy Texan. It's Mad Max vs. Buddy Holly. Let the blood letting begin! Wait, to start this fight off, we need some appropriate music." Sean said as he cleared his throat. "MORTAL KOMBAT!"
(The Mortal Kombat theme starts playing over Riggs and Mr. Joshua's fight scene with Sean cheering for Riggs)
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs gets Mr. Joshua in a headlock, but decides not to kill him. Well, that's a good thing. Let's hope that Gary Busey doesn't do anything stupid….
(As officers arrive to take Joshua away, he breaks free and grabs a gun from one of the officers)
"Oh, my God! He's got a gun!" Sean yelled out in slow motion.
(Riggs and Murtaugh pull their guns and shoot Mr. Joshua dead)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least it was a justifiable kill. The next day, Riggs visits his wife's grave to pay his respects and then goes to Murtaugh's house, telling Rianne to give Murtaugh a symbolic gift: the unfired hollow-point bullet as a way of saying that he doesn't need it anymore. Riggs gets ready to leave but Murtaugh comes out of the house and convince him to stay over for Christmas dinner with his family and he brings his dog Sam with him.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't think Burbank the Cat's gonna like this.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'll put five on the mutt.
(Riggs enters the house as Sam chases Burbank the Cat.)
Sean: (Narrating) But the movie's not over until Murtaugh says this line one more time.
Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this.
I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #3
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Elvis Presley's rendition of I'll Be Home For Christmas and the best part of the end credits is listening to Honeymoon Suite's Lethal Weapon.
(The end credits play as Honeymoon Suite's Lethal Weapon starts playing)
"And that was Lethal Weapon and what do I have to say about it? It's the best buddy cop movie ever and it still is! I have no complaints about this movie. The movie has gotten positive reviews from critics. It's a perfect blend of crime drama, action and comedy. Although it started off slow with the crime drama aspect but then it turns up the heat when the movie goes all Die Hard on us with it's hard-hitting action. The film still holds up to it's day. Richard Donner's directing is phenomenal and the best in his career. My biggest praise is to Mel Gibson, he did an awesome job in portraying Martin Riggs, the cop with a death wish who's crazy at time. My favorite scene from the movie was when Riggs contemplates suicide. That was the most dramatic yet powerful scene and because of this scene director Franco Zefirelli decided to offer Mel Gibson the lead role in the film adaptation of Hamlet. And Danny Glover gives a great performance as Riggs' cautious partner Roger Murtaugh. Another big praise that I would like to give this movie would have to be Shane Black's writing and that movie is quotable as well and the character interactions. And the music by the late Michael Kamen and Eric Clapton was pretty good and you just gotta love David Sanborn's saxaphone riff. Plus, the characters are memorable as well. Riggs is the loose cannon cop with a wild streak, Murtaugh is the cautious partner who's ready to retire and Mr. Joshua is the crazy villain that you'll be afraid of. And this is why I love the sequel so much is because it's bigger and better than the original and pushes it up to 11. So yeah, I freaking love Lethal Weapon. It spawned three sequels, a video game that the Angry Video Game Nerd reviewed and a television show on Fox and there are countless parodies of the movie as well. If you haven't seen Lethal Weapon, go check it out. The best film from Richard Donner. I watch it every time and I still find it awesome to watch. So, that's why I'm going to give Lethal Weapon 5 Beretta 92Fs out of 5. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and tune in next time for Lethal Weapon Month when I review my favorite out of the series." Sean said as a clip from the Lethal Weapon 2 trailer starts playing.
(The Lethal Weapon 2 trailer plays)
Announcer: Now, get ready for something lethal.
Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm surprised you haven't heard about me, you know I've got a bad reputation and sometimes I just go nuts right now. (Chuckles)
"The magic is back, baby! See you guys next time and there's more Lethal Weapon Month on the way." Sean said as he dances in his seat briefly to John Eric Alexander's Lethal Weapon trailer theme starts playing before getting up to leave.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – I'm too old for this shit.
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Lethal Weapon and the start of Lethal Weapon month. Hope you all enjoyed reading it and I hope you've got a good laugh from this one. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Lethal Weapon Month continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews Lethal Weapon 2. Is it the best in the Lethal Weapon film series? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for more Lethal Weapon Month. Till next time, my fellow readers.
This Review Is Dedicated to the Memory of
John Mahoney
June 20, 1940 - February 4, 2018