The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, I will be tackling one of the worst superhero movies ever. Today, Sean the Mayhem critic reviews one of the worst superhero movies ever made and it will probably make him go bonkers. And of course it's the movie Batman & Robin. Get ready, my friends. Will Sean end up insane from this review? We'll find out today in The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources. Batman is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.
Episode Thirteen
Batman & Robin
Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting at his desk with a disgruntled look on his face while looking at a DVD copy of today's movie that he's going to be reviewing and sighs. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. You get the whole deal, folks. I really don't want to review this movie. I really don't. And I just want to ask why? Why was this movie made? This is considered to be one of the worst films of all time. This is it, my friends. The big one, the ungodly shit storm of a movie that is simply known as Batman & Robin.
(The title screen for Batman & Robin plays, followed by footage of the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) This was the fourth and final film in the original Batman film series before they rebooted the film series with The Dark Knight trilogy. This film was doomed from the start and I had experience with this film because when I was about 5 or six years old, I was living in Evanston and my mom and I went to the dollar theater at Surrey Square and we saw Batman & Robin. Boy, a waste of my mother's money from seeing that trainwreck.
"And now, since I'm 26, it's time for me to take a look back at this piece of shit film and keep myself from going insane and singing songs from my childhood. But before we dive into Batman & Robin, let's take a look at how it began." Sean said.
(Footage from Tim Burton's Batman plays)
Sean: (Narrating) It all started in 1989 with the release of Batman, directed by Tim Burton, who was known for directing Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and the supernatural comedy Beetlejuice. It starred Michael Keaton as billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne who's a crime fighter at night and he goes up against the freaky Joker, played brilliantly by Jack Nicholson and he romances the beautiful Vicki Vale played by Kim Basinger. This Batman was different. It wasn't campy like the 1960s Adam West Batman, this version of Batman was darker and more serious. Heck, this was the best Batman movie that I watched when I was a kid before Mask of the Phantasm. And Batman '89 was PG-13 so no big deal, I was only five at the time. There were some controversy over casting Michael Keaton as Batman because he was known for only his comedic roles in movies like Night Shift, Mr. Mom, Gung Ho, Johnny Dangerously and Beetlejuice.
"Uh, have you guys ever seen him in the movie Clean and Sober? He's done some dramatic work. Here's what Michael Keaton says to people complain about him as Batman." Sean said.
(A clip from the 1994 film The Paper plays)
Henry Hackett (Played by Michael Keaton): Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!
"He's come a long way from Batman, pal." Sean's friend Brian told him.
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah. The film turned out to be pretty awesome. Keaton turned out to be a pretty good Batman, Nicholson stole the show as The Joker and I loved the film's unique visual style of Gotham City. And to top it all off, a memorable music score from Danny Elfman and a soundtrack from Prince. You get yourself a kick-ass superhero flick and critics loved it and the movie brought in a shitload of money. So, in 1992, the year that I was born, a sequel was made. Batman Returns was released on June 19, 1992 and this time the Dark Knight faces off with two villains in gloomy Gotham City during the Christmas season. The villains in the movie were The Penguin, played by Danny DeVito, and Catwoman played by Michelle Pfieffer. The film was a solid effort but it didn't earn merely as much money as the first film mostly because of complaints from parents saying that the film was dark and violent.
"Okay, to the pussy parents who complained about Batman Returns being too dark and violent, have you ever seen the first film? I mean, what did you expect?" Sean asked. "I guess one of the parents was the woman created a petition for Disney Channel to stop showing the Jessie episode because it was making fun of the gluten-kid."
(Footage from Batman Forever plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Warner Bros. decided to continue the Batman film series with Batman Forever and this one took a different approach. This one was more family-friendly than the last film. With Tim Burton as producer for the film and taking over directorial duties were given to the devil himself Joel Schumacher. And to give Schumacher some credit, he did direct some good films that I enjoyed. Films such St. Elmo's Fire, Flatliners, The Lost Boys, Falling Down, The Client and A Time to Kill.
Man: Don't forget, he directed an episode of House of Cards.
"Thanks. Thanks for that." Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Since Michael Keaton didn't want to play Batman without Burton directing, he left the series and he was replaced with Val Kilmer. Kilmer was best known for his roles in the films Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun, Willow, The Doors, Heat, Tombstone, The Ghost and the Darkness, The Prince of Egypt and At First Sight. In this film, Batman goes up against Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones, and The Riddler, played by Jim Carrey. And after initially appearing in the screenplays for the first two movies but being written out before being put to production, Batman's sidekick Robin makes an appearance and he's played by Chris O'Donnell. I thought film was alright but casting wise, I didn't care for Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face. The character was supposed to be taken seriously not comical. Heck, I like Richard Moll's Two-Face from the animated series better. And question, how did Harvey Dent suddenly become a white guy after being played by Billy Dee Williams in the first film. I kinda enjoyed Val Kilmer as Batman even though I like Michael Keaton better. I really enjoyed Jim Carrey as The Riddler. He was a load of fun to watch. The film was a bit hit and Warner Bros. gave Schumacher the green light to direct another Batman film.
"And thus brings us to today's review. This is the DVD. These are the notes of things that are wrong with this movie and here are photos of me going insane!" Sean exclaimed after showing the DVD of Batman & Robin, a thick stack of papers on his desk and photos of himself. "So you know, there's a lot to talk about. I will do my best to keep this review a millennium long, but I will not make any promises that I won't keep. But before I begin this review, special precautions have been made to prevent me from killing myself. They got rid of my gun, any sharp objects in the house and my ties and rope to keep me from hanging myself."
Sean reaches underneath his desk and pulls out his Beretta 92F pistol.
"They didn't count on my extra gun that I had hidden. So, let's begin with this movie and see what went wrong." Sean said as the review starts.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that the main title of the film is having it's time of the month, no offense. And we see that Arnold Schwarzenegger has top billing over George Clooney. Uh, why is his name first? He's not playing Batman. It's like Mark Hamill having top billing over Kevin Conroy in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. And there's something amiss with the film. You see, Batman was released in June of 1989, Batman Returns was released in June of 1992, Batman Forever was released in June of 1995 and Batman & Robin was released in June of 1997.
"Oh, dear." Sean gulped.
(Montage of Batman and Robin suiting up)
Sean: (Narrating) We get a montage of Batman and Robin suiting up and we see that their outfits come equipped with Bat-nipples, Bat-asses and Bat-codpieces.
"You've seen this joke coming a mile away." Sean said before pointing up to the ceiling.
Choir: THE AMBIGOUSLY GAY DUO!
"Sorry, I had to." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get our new Batmobile and I don't like the design of it. It's too flashy and it has one seat! And then we get our first line of the film.
Robin (Played by Chris O'Donnell): I want a car. Chicks dig the car.
Batman: This is why Superman works alone.
We then cut to Sean, who picks up his concealed pistol from off of his desk and tries to point the gun to his temple, but a man in suit comes in and stops him, causing Sean to fire his pistol up at the ceiling and takes the weapon away from him.
"Great! Just great! You doomed me, buddy!" Sean yelled and crossed his arms.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's literally the first line of the film. We see that Batman is now played by George Clooney and he makes a horrible Batman. And we see that Chris O'Donnell returns as Batman sidekick Robin. We then cut to the Gotham Museum of Art, where we see that's it's being robbed by Mr. Freeze, played by the king of one-liners himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Cometh.
Ice Pun Counter: #1
"Oh, yeah. There's a lot of ice puns in the movie. Okay, time for me to turn this into drinking game every time I hear a bad ice pun." Sean said as he fills his shot glass up with Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch whisky and takes a shot. "Ugh, God."
"I'll drink with you, man." Brian said, doing the same with a Coors beer.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, for those you who don't know the backstory of Mr. Freeze, let me provide you. Mr. Freeze was once known as Victor Fries, a brilliant scientist whose wife Nora is suffering from a rare disease that is slowly killing her. Victor had her cryogenically frozen until he could find a cure. Thanks to an accident in his lab, he now has to keep his body at sub-zero temperatures in order to survive. He does this by using his suit that is powered by diamonds.
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!" Sean exclaimed. "For the love of God, movie. Please show some mercy."
Mr. Freeze: Mercy? I believe that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
Ice Pun Counter: #2
"Well, that didn't last long. Time to take a shot." Sean said, filling his shot glass once more and takes a shot. "Get used to the bad puns, guys. Because there's a shitload of bad puns packed in the movie.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Mr. Freeze is stealing the baseball diamond from The Great Muppet Caper and it apparently powers up his suit.
Mr. Freeze: There's only one absolute…everything freezes.
Ice Pun Counter: #3
Sean takes another shot after hearing another ice pun.
Sean: (Narrating) But it's not long until Batman crashes the party.
Batman: Hi, Freeze. I'm Batman.
"Shut up! You're not Batman. With a delivery like that, you're not!" Sean yelled. "You want to know who's Batman? This is Batman."
(A clip from the Batman: The Animated Series episode Nothing to Fear starts playing)
Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman!
"At least Kevin Conroy put a lot of effort into that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our first fight sequence in the movie and another bad ice pun from Mr. Freeze.
Mr. Freeze: You are not sending me to the cooler.
Ice Pun Counter #4
Sean: (Narrating) And then Robin crashes through the wall leaving a perfect Robin symbol, I don't know why it did that. And then Mr. Freeze sends his hockey team henchmen. Let me repeat that. Hockey team henchmen to kill Batman and Robin.
Robin: It's the hockey team from Hell!
"Oh, did I forget to mention that this movie is packed with cartoony sound effects? From what I've read, Joel Schumacher would sit on a crane with a microphone and yell before each take. He said and I quote: "Remember, everyone, this is a cartoon.". Uh, the only cartoon that I remember watching when I was a kid was this." Sean said as footage from Batman: The Animated Series starts playing.
(The opening to Batman: The Animated Series starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Batman: The Animated Series. You probably recall me talking about it on my Mask of the Phantasm review. And what they did with Mr. Freeze was brilliant. Mr. Freeze a.k.a. Mr. Zero debuted in the Batman comics back in 1959. In the Emmy-winning episode Heart of Ice, Paul Dini and Bruce W. Timm created a new backstory for the character that made him one of the most popular villains in the Batman franchise. He was one of the most infamous and tragic figures. Originally, he was Dr. Victor Fries, a scientist who failed to save the life of his terminally-ill wife. He was nearly killed in an accident and is forced to live in sub-zero temperatures, never again feel the warmth of the sun or the touch of another human hand. All that remains was a cold, emotionless shell of a man.
"When I was a kid, I watched that episode and it was some pretty heavy shit for a kid's show. And I loved it." Sean said.
(More footage from the Batman: TAS episode Heart of Ice starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) After this episode aired, they stuck with the backstory of Mr. Freeze. They used it in the comics, Batman: Arkham City and to Schumacher's credit, they used the Mr. Freeze backstory in the movie. Also, Mr. Freeze was played brilliantly by the late Michael Ansara in the animated series.
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): Yes. It would move me to tears if I still had tears to shed.
"Well, at least Michael Ansara's Mr. Freeze doesn't whip out any bad ice puns, unlike Schwarzenegger." Sean said.
Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
Ice Pun Counter: #5
"Oh, for the love of…" Sean fills his shot glass up once more then takes another shot. "I swear, I'm gonna be drunk throughout this whole review."
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Freeze makes his escape in his rocket, but Batman drops in to stop him with Robin climbing on the rocket. Mr. Freeze freezes Batman's hands to trap him inside the rocket that's going up into space.
Mr. Freeze: Freeze well.
Ice Pun Counter: #6
Sean: (Narrating) And then Freeze escapes by jumping out of the rocket. Robin saves Batman and they escape the rocket after Batman blows it up with a Batbomb. Just go with it. Batman and Robin pursue Mr. Freeze and Robin being the dumbass that he is tries to stop Mr. Freeze but Freeze ends up freezing him in his tracks.
Mr. Freeze: Stay cool, Birdboy.
Ice Pun Counter: #7
After hearing another ice pun being uttered by Mr. Freeze, Sean takes another shot.
Sean: (Narrating) Freeze escapes and Batman thaws out Robin. Meanwhile, at a clichéd mad scientist lab, we see a botanist named Dr. Pamela Isley, played by Uma Thurman, learns that her boss Dr. Jason Woodrue, played by John Glover from Smallville.
"Wait a minute. Dr. Jason Woodrue. The Floronic Man! He was the main villain in Batman & Harley Quinn. I know that Mr. Freeze is the main villain in this film, is he going to be the second villain in the movie?" Sean asked as the buzzer buzzes. "You're scum, movie."
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Dr. Isley's boss is experimenting with a new drug called Venom. He would use that formula to turn a serial murder named Antonio Diego into a deadly walking giant known as Bane, he's played by the late Jeep Swenson, a former pro wrestler.
"You're all familiar with Bane, right? Well, brace yourselves, folks. You might know him in the Batman comic Knightfall, the one where he broke the Bat. You might know him in the Batman Arkham series, Injustice, Injustice 2, his brief appearance in the animated series and most notably in The Dark Knight Rises. Well, before Tom Hardy's Bane, we got Jeep Swenson's Bane. And this was Bane's first big screen appearance and boy this version of Bane is so lame. I have a lot of problems with it. Now, let's do a comparison of Bane. Let's take a look at Henry Silva's Bane from the animated series.
(A clip from The Adventures of Batman & Robin episode Bane starts playing)
Bane (Voiced by Henry Silva): I will break you!
Sean: (V/O) Now, let's take a look at Jeep Swenson's Bane.
(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)
Bane (Played by the late Jeep Swenson) Grrr!
Sean: (V/O) Let's take a look at Tom Hardy's Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
(A clip from The Dark Knight Rises plays)
Bane (Played by Tom Hardy): Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!
Sean: (V/O) And let's take a look at Jeep Swenson's Bane.
(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)
Bane: (While driving to Gotham Observatory) Grrr. Step.
"God, this Bane is terrible." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Isley finds out about his plans and tells Dr. Woodrue that he's insane and that he must be stopped and he's taking that pretty well.
Dr. Jason Woodrue (Played by John Glover): I'm afraid you'll have to die.
(He then pushes Dr. Isley into many chemicals and laughs maniacally. He then knocks a table with chemicals on top as Dr. Isley screams as the toxins hit her)
Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Poison Ivy is born. She's like Ember Evergreen from Project Mc2, but sexier and deadlier, and she has the power to control plant life and she has a kiss to die for. Literally.
(Poison Ivy kisses Dr. Woodrue)
Poison Ivy (Played by Uma Thurman) I am nature's arm. Her spirit. Her will. Hell, I am Mother Nature. And the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours, because it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature.
"Sounds like Ember Evergreen in a few years. Instead of her tagline, "I'm a force of nature." It should be "Hell, I am Mother Nature."" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) She then finds that Wayne Enterprises funded Dr. Woodrue so her and Bane fly down to Gotham. Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Dick get an unlikely visitor.
(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)
"Wowzah." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.
(A clip from Tim Burton's Batman plays)
Alexander Knox (Played by Robert Wuhl): Hello, legs.
Dick Grayson: Please be looking for me.
Barbara Wilson (Played by Alicia Silverstone): Actually, I'm looking for Alfred Pennyworth.
A disgusted look appeared on Sean's face and the record scratches and also heard is the sound of glass breaking. "Ewww! Please tell me that Alfred's not taking Viagra so he could bang that smoking hot college girl."
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that's Alfred's niece Barbara Wilson, she's played by Alicia Silverstone from Clueless and the Fox Family animated series Braceface. And oh, boy. I have a lot of problems. Instead of Barbara as Commissioner Gordon's daughter, they made her as Alfred's niece.
"What happened to her parents you might ask? They were killed in a car accident and she's an orphan." Sean said.
Barbara Wilson: Uncle Alfred.
"Uh, she's flown in from England. Wait, shouldn't she have British accent?" Sean asked.
Barbara Wilson: Uh, the new computer sciences division.
"She has an American accent!" Sean yelled.
(A clip from Napoleon Dynamite plays)
Napoleon Dynamite (Played by Jon Heder): Idiot!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Mr. Freeze is hiding out in his neon-lit ice cream factory and his spends most of his time conducting an orchestra of Eskimo henchmen to sing the Snow Miser song from A Year Without a Santa Claus.
"Christ, remember when we could take Mr. Freeze seriously?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the Batman: TAS episode Heart of Ice starts playing)
Mr. Freeze: This is how I'll always remember you. Surrounded by winter, forever young, forever beautiful. Rest well, my love. The monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish best serve cold.
(A clip from the Batman Beyond episode Meltdown plays)
Mr. Freeze: Remember, there might be some momentary discomfort.
(Mr. Freeze freezes Dr. Stephanie Lake and she screams)
"If only Batman & Robin had been made by the guys behind Batman: The Animated Series, it would've been cool." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Poison Ivy arrives in Gotham City and she heads down to Gotham Observatory and…HOLY CHEAP DISGUISE, BATMAN!
"You have got to be kidding me?! Oh, yeah! Bane looks totally inconspicuous in that disguise. Nobody is gonna notice. Hell, in The Adventures of Batman & Robin, Bane wore a suit for his meeting with Rupert Thorne. I didn't have a problem with it but with this one, I do have a problem with it. Raphael from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a better disguise than him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Gotham Observatory, where Wayne Enterprises is donating the world's most advanced telescope to Gotham Observatory's restoration project, Ivy briefly reassuming her identity as Dr. Isley makes a proposition for Wayne Enterprises to go green, but Bruce has found some flaws.
Bruce Wayne: No diesel fuel for heat, no coolants to preserve food. Millions of people would die of cold and hunger alone.
Dr. Pamela Isley: Acceptable losses in the battle to save the planet.
"Wow, millions of people would die and you call it acceptable losses? Okay, I change what I said about Ember Evergreen from Project Mc2, she's a much better environmentalist than you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce tells Dr. Isley to take that proposal and shove it up where the sun don't shine, but Dr. Isley's not done with her plan.
Dr. Pamela Isley: Batman and Robin. Militant arm of the warm-blooded oppressors.
Sean makes a confused look on his face and looks around the room while Dr. Isley is talking to herself. "Uh, lady. Who the hell are you talking to? There's no one there."
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut back to Mr. Freeze's hideout where we see Mr. Freeze watching a wedding video of himself and his wife Nora before she was terminally ill and before he became Mr. Freeze. A henchman interrupts Freeze with some news.
(Mr. Freeze freezes the henchman. His hat flies off of his head, making a cartoony sound)
Mr. Freeze: I hate when people talk during the movie.
"You're really starting to piss me off, Schwarzenegger." Sean said, glaring evily at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Freeze reads the newspaper article about Bruce Wayne loaning diamonds to the Flower Ball charity event at Gotham Botanical Gardens and Mr. Freeze puts his plan into action. Meanwhile, we see that the Dynamic Duo is attending a charity event fundraiser.
"Okay, look here. Batman used to operate in the shadows and hides from the limelight and steal any photographs of him. He's now making public appearances? Let me guess, does he visit sick children at a children's hospital?" Sean asked.
"Well, Batman actors do that a lot." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Poison Ivy arrives and she blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes men bow to her every will. And we come to the most infamous part of the movie that made the Nostalgia Critic lose his shit.
"If you guys want me to stop here and continue this in part 2, then I will. Okay, don't say that I warn you. Go ahead, play it. Here it is, Batman and Robin bidding over Poison Ivy." Sean said.
Batman: $1 million.
Robin: $2 million.
Batman: You don't have it. $3 million.
Robin: I'll borrow it from you. $4 million.
Batman: $5 million.
Robin: $6 million.
Batman: $7 million. (Pulls out the Bat-credit card) Never leave the cave without it.
"Nope, nope. Nope. I'm not gonna do it. Oh, yeah. You're all expecting me to flip out like the Nostalgia Critic over that. Look, I'm 26 and I'm mature enough not to flip out over things like this." Sean said with a smile on the face.
Audience: (Shouts) Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card!
"SHUT UP! GODDAMN IT! SHUT UP! Batman is not supposed to have a Bat-credit card. They had the cojones to give my favorite superhero a Bat-credit card! You sons of bitches, I'm gonna kill somebody!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out a baseball bat while two men in black agents try to restrain him.
(A placecard reads 20 Minutes Later while Parachute Express' Dr. Loony's Remedy starts playing)
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am terribly sorry for that outburst. It was childish and immature. I though I was mature enough to handle this kind of thing. I mean, it just pisses me off just to see….A BAT-CREDIT CARD!" Sean yelled out and starts babbling incoherently while an MIB agent runs in the room and tackles him out of his seat to restrain him.
(A placecard reads Seven Hours Later while Dr. Loony's Remedy continues to play)
"Ah, there's nothing better than writing a smutty Project Mc2/American Housewife crossover story involving McKeyla McAllister and Taylor Otto just to calm my nerves." Sean said.
"Sean, you're on." Dave, Sean's cameraman said as Sean looks at the camera and stops typing on his laptop.
"Right. Okay, now that I'm calm down. Let's not talk about the you-know-what ever again. Let's continue on with this review." Sean said.
"A Bat-what? Who wrote this fucking movie?!" Brian asked.
"Akiva Goldsman. He's the same guy who worked on screenplays for other Joel Schumacher films such as The Client, Batman Forever and A Time to Kill." Sean said.
"Oh, shit." Brian said, making a face palm.
Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing the card-that-must-not-be-named, Mr. Freeze crashes the party and….
Mr. Freeze: All right, everyone. Chill.
Ice Pun Counter: #8
"Son of a bitch! At least let me finish up with what I say before you whip out another ice pun, you cold-hearted bastard!" Sean exclaimed as he takes another shot. "Alright, now…"
Sean pauses as he feels the effects from the alcohol hitting him.
"Dude?" Brian asked.
"I'm fine. Let's continue with this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin chase Mr. Freeze through the streets of Gotham and Batman manages to capture 'ol Frosty. And I do not want to know what he was doing to him underneath that cape. After capturing Freeze and sending him to Arkham Asylum, Robin is angry because he wanted to get Mr. Freeze.
Robin: Sometimes counting on someone else is the only way you win.
"And most of Robin's dialogue consists of him whining like a little bitch." Sean said.
Robin: You just can't stand that maybe she wanted me instead of you./It's your house. It's your rules./It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it./This is no partnership./I'm going solo./I want a Robin Signal in the sky./You're never going to trust me.
Sean starts mocking Robin. "Jeez, Robin was never a whiny little bitch on the animated series."
(A clip from The New Batman Adventures episode Old Wounds plays)
Robin (Voiced by Loren Lester): You don't know him like I do. He manipulates, pulls strings, anything to get what he wants. /Things change, I changed! The game's over, Batman. I quit.
Batman: Robin, wait.
(Robin turns and punches Batman in the face)
"They had to play up the camp here, not seriously at all." Brian said as Sean sighed in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Bruce is having dinner with his girlfriend Julie Madison, played by Australian model Elle Macpherson. She ends up proposing to Bruce, but Bruce having trouble getting Ivy off his mind. And then, this happens.
Julie Madison (Played by Elle Macpherson): Who's Ivy?
Bruce Wayne: Hmm? What?
Julie Madison: You just called me Ivy. Who's Ivy?
"Uh, did anyone hear Bruce call her Ivy? Okay, I've played this scene over and over many times and no, he didn't call her Ivy. Why didn't anyone catch that?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense, Dick discovers that Barbara has been sneaking out of the house to participate in dangerous drag races hosted by rapper Coolio. This nearly gets her killed, but alas Dick followed her to the race and saves her from becoming street pizza and the worst blue screen effect.
Dick Grayson: So, this is where you hang out.
"Hey, hey, hey! There's too many ice puns from Schwarzenegger, we don't need any more from you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Barbara's been participating in drag races to raise money for Alfred, but that's not the reason why she's here to pay him back and she reveals a stunning secret about Alfred.
Barbara Wilson: You honestly don't know, do you? How he's hiding the pain all the time? Alfred's sick.
"Jeez. Alfred's sick? Maybe he has the flu or something. I mean, come on, how sick could he possibly…." Sean said before he gets interrupted.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred's not sick. He's dying.
"Ooh! Okay, now I'm concerned for Alfred." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out, he's dying from MacGregor's Syndrome, the same condition that Mr. Freeze's wife Nora is dying from. Meanwhile at Arkham Asylum, we see that Mr. Freeze is in his cell, making a little ballerina music box. That's one point from the animated series, then he gets a visit from Poison Ivy and…what the hell? Is that Jesse Ventura?!
Guard (Played by Jesse Ventura): Don't mind us, ma'am. You can speak freely.
"Okay, how many films has Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura starred in? Let's see, in 1987 there's Predator and The Running Man. And now Batman & Robin. You have the former Governor of Minnesota and the former Governor of California in the same film." Sean said, picking up his University of Kentucky shot glass and his bottle of Johnnie Walker. "I'm sorry, I'm gonna need a drink."
Sean: (Narrating) And big surprise, Poison Ivy and Bane break Mr. Freeze out of Arkham and make their escape. But Freeze needs his diamonds to power up his suit and Ivy agrees to pick them up and also pulling the plug on his wife to leave her for dead. Batman and Robin go after Poison Ivy but they….
Batman: No beauty.
(Bane appears)
Bane: Grrr!
Robin: Just the beast.
"I swear to Christ, if I hear one more bad pun, I don't know what I'm gonna do but I will go Bat-shit insane. Trust me on that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin try to fight Bane, but Poison Ivy uses her hypnotizing perfume on Batman and Robin, and what do you know, they end up fighting over her while she makes her escape. God, this movie is fucking lame.
Robin: You have some real issues with women, you know that? You just couldn't stand that she was going to kiss me and not you.
Sean: (Narrating) As Ivy returns to their hideout, she gives Mr. Freeze some bad news about his wife, telling him that Batman killed her, and Freeze vows to get his revenge on Gotham.
"I bet he's going to say a line so clichéd like "First Gotham, and then the world.", right?" Sean asked.
Mr. Freeze: First…Gotham, and then…THE WORLD!
"Holy shit. This movie's so bad, that I predicted the next line for the character. Look at what this movie did to me." Sean said as he looks around the room, then looked at the camera. "Ten out of ten. Ten out of ten. 100 out of 100. Best film. Best film."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, we see that Alfred, played by the late Michael Gough, is in stage one of MacGregor's Syndrome and Bruce worries for the man who took care of him. And next, we get more of Bruce and Dick bickering like a married couple. You know, this is turning into a bad episode of Mad About You.
Dick Grayson: You just want her for yourself, don't you?
Bruce Wayne: Yes. I want her so badly, I can taste it.
Dick Grayson: She loves me and not you, and it's driving you crazy.
Bruce Wayne: She's clouded your mind, and you're not thinking straight.
Dick Grayson: Oh, but I am for the first time in a long time.
"Okay, I'm gonna have to do this because this is definitely a bad episode of Mad About You." Sean said.
(A Mad About You-style intro starts playing with the song Final Frontier starts playing with photos of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson being shown)
"Hold it, hold it, hold it. Did Bruce say to Dick that he's not thinking straight? Sorry if it's my immature mind but is he implying that Dick is gay? Look, I don't have anything against gay people, I respect the LGBT community and I am not going to offend people. Well, George Clooney said in an interview with Barbara Walters back in 2006 that in Batman & Robin, he played Batman as gay. He said and I quote: "I was in a rubber suit and I had rubber nipples. I could have played Batman straight, but I made him gay." Hell, there are also bisexual characters in the Batman franchise. In 2015, Selina Kyle was confirmed to be bisexual in Catwoman issue #39. Harley Quinn was also revealed to be bisexual. Which reminds me, I have to work on my Batman: The Animated Series smutty fanfic involving Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Barbara decides to hack into Alfred's computer and after figuring out the easy password. Oh, great job Al. She finds her way into the Batcave where she is greeted by Alfred, who's turned into Max Headroom. For those of you who don't know what the show is, you guys are too young. And Alfred jus happened to prepare a crime-fighting suit for Barbara, in case she found her way down here.
Barbara Wilson: Suit me up, Uncle Alfred.
Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Barbara suits up for action as Batgirl, and yes her Batsuit needs bat-nipples on it. Meanwhile, Robin arrives at Poison Ivy's lair and she tells Robin about Mr. Freeze's plan to turn Gotham City into a giant ice cube. And then, here's something you never thought you'd see in this movie, Robin kissing a girl!
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Batman & Robin plays)
Nostalgia Critic: No, Robin, no! You're just confused!
Sean: (Narrating) But Poison Ivy fails to kill the Boy Wonder due to him wearing rubber lips and then he becomes a dumbass in distress. Batman comes in to save the day but he ends up getting caught in Ivy's vines. But wait….
(Music from Tekken 3 plays)
Sean: (V/O in his announcer voice): A new challenger enters!
(Batgirl crashes through the skylight)
Batgirl: You're about to become compost.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a fight between Batgirl and Poison Ivy. If you want to call it a fight. She ends up defeating Poison Ivy by knocking her into her own man-eating plant.
Poison Ivy: CURSES!
"Curses? Really? Can you be really campy enough? It's bad enough that this movie is extremely campy. Wait, let me camp it up some more with words like drat, fiddlesticks, tartar sauce! Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed as he pulls out a bag of Grippo's barbecue potato chips and starts eating. "You just made me comfort eat, movie. I never comfort eat."
Sean: (Narrating) Batgirl saves Batman and Robin and she reveals her secret identity.
Batgirl: Bruce, it's me, Barbara.
(Roger Lodge from TruTv's World's Dumbest pops up next to Batgirl)
Roger Lodge: Oh, really? No (beep).
"How dumb do you think they are?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Gotham Observatory, Mr. Freeze puts his plan into action by turning the giant telescope into a giant freeze ray to freeze Gotham.
Mr. Freeze: Tonight…Hell freezes over!
Ice Pun Counter: #9
"Nope, nope. I'm not taking another shot. I need to sober up a bit. I can't do this review while drunk." Sean said as he picks up a can of Cherry 7Up and opens it to take a sip.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Freeze freezes city…
Mr. Freeze: Let's kick some ice.
Ice Pun Counter: #10
Sean: (Narrating) You asshole. He freezes the city and turns everyone into an ice cube, including blatant product placement for Taco Bell and a bulldog about to piss on a fire hydrant.
"Fuck it! Give me the bottle, I need a drink to this WTF moment." Sean said as he grabs the bottle of Johnnie Walker and drinks from it.
Sean: (Narrating) While Freeze is freezing the city, Batman, Robin and Batgirl arrive in their new Bat-vehicles and I know that I forgot to mention this, this movie is one big toy commercial. Warner Bros. didn't care for the movie, all they care about is selling toys.
"Hey, kids. You want a Batman and Robin action figure? You got one. You want a Mr. Freeze action figure, you got one. You want the new flashy Batmobile? Here you go! You want the Bathammer? You got it. We got toys here, we got toys there, we got toys every-fucking-where!" Sean yelled.
(A clip from Spaceballs plays)
Yogurt (Played by Mel Brooks): Merchandising! Merchandising!
"Hey, they wanted a Batman to appeal to all children. Be careful what you fucking wish for because you got it." Sean said, taking another sip from his bottle of Johnnie Walker. "What happened to the Batman film franchise, it was serious and dark and then it turned into a fucking toy commercial. It brings my piss to a boil. And you want to know what's funny? You want to know what's fucking funny? They made a Batman & Robin video game for the PSOne that sucks balls!"
Mr. Freeze: YOU LIE!
(Footage from the Playstation game Batman & Robin plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. There's a Batman & Robin video game for the Playstation. It's based on the movie and it was developed by Probe Entertainment and published by now defunct Acclaim Entertainment. I've never played the game mostly because I owned a Nintendo 64 when I was young and I still have my Nintendo but I have seen footage from the game and good lord. It's a trainwreck like the movie.
Barbara Wilson: It's really ridiculous.
Sean: (Narrating) The Dynamic Trio arrive at the observatory and plan to thaw out the city in some science babble I'm not gonna describe, that is until the King of Ice Puns show up.
Mr. Freeze: Tonight's forecast: a freeze is coming.
Ice Pun Counter: #11
Sean: (Narrating) So, then we get a lame fight scene and over the top stunts. Robin and Batgirl fall off of the giant telescope after Freeze takes control of it.
Robin: (Catches Batgirl) I got you!
(A clip from Superman: The Movie plays)
Lois Lane (Played by Margot Kidder): You got me? Who's got you?
"Hey, at least Superman was a better movie than Batman & Robin." Sean said.
Mr. Freeze: I find that unlikely.
Sean: (Narrating) While Batman is fighting Mr. Freeze, Robin and Batgirl contend with Bane and they pretty much take him down easily by pulling out his venom tube.
Sean: (V/O as Bane) You can't do this to me! I am invincible! (Voice changes to normal I…am…Bane!
Sean: (Narrating) Batman defeats Mr. Freeze with his lame pun.
Batman: Hey, Freeze. The heat is on.
Sean: (Narrating) And he uses the telescope to thaw out the city. Freeze seems like he lost but he has a Plan B.
Mr. Freeze: (While detonating his icicle bombs) Bombs away, Batman.
Sean: (Narrating) Freeze blows up the giant telescope and he says this to Batman.
Mr. Freeze: Freeze in Hell, Batman!
"Oh, come on! That didn't even make any sense. If you want to whip out a good ice pun, at least say something like this: "Have a cold day in Hell, Batman!" A stunned look appears on Sean's face after he realizes what he's done. "Holy shit. I just said a bad ice pun. Because of so many ice puns in this movie, it made me say a bad ice pun!"
(Sean gets up from out of his seat and starts dancing, switching to Parachute Express' Dr. Looney's Remedy and scenes from Batman & Robin)
Sean: (Singing) Whoa! Whoa! Dr. Looney will you fix him up? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! All you got to do is put in the groove. Stir up the brew. Make it boil and bubble. Spread it around now that you've found Dr. Looney's remedy. Pick up your knees. High as you please. Dance away your troubles. Now stick out your tongue and say "Aah Aah Aah". You feel better!
"Great job, movie. You sent me back to my childhood!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes managed to thaw out the city. Batman shows Freeze a recording of Poison Ivy during her fight with Batgirl, informing her that she killed Freeze's wife. Batman tells him that she's still alive and asks him for the cure that he created for stage one of MacGregor's Syndrome and with a change of heart, he does. Mr. Freeze is taken to Arkham Asylum and he's Poison Ivy's cellmate and he gets his vengeance on her. And they all live happily ever after.
"But wait, what about Alfred? Will Alfred live?" Sean asked.
Alfred Pennyworth (Played by the late Michael Gough): Rather disappointed at how poorly I have taught you proper housekeeping. (Smiles) And quite well, it seems! Thanks to you, son.
Sean: (Narrating) Great, so Alfred is cured. But what to do with Barbara?
Bruce Wayne: You are going back to school.
Dick Grayson: Bruce, you're never going to win this argument.
Barbara Wilson: Partners?
Dick Grayson: Partners.
Bruce Wayne: Partners.
Alfred Pennyworth: We're going to need a bigger cave.
"So, the moral of today's story is…fuck it, there is no moral to the story. THIS MOVIE SUCKS BALLS! Hell, Batman & Robin was a giant pile of Bat-guano. It was a gigantic Bat-bomb!" Sean yelled.
Robin: Bat-bomb?
"That's right, a major Bat-bomb. After this movie's release, you know that there was negative reception for the movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a horrible Mr. Freeze. George Clooney makes a horrible Batman. I just hope that his wife Amal doesn't stumble upon this film. I like Uma Thurman but I would rather stick with the Poison Ivy in the animated series, the comics, Injustice 2 and the Batman Arkham series. And don't you even think about pulling the Batman Triumphant card on me. Oh, yeah. I know about Batman Triumphant! That would've been a better film than Batman & Robin. But hey, at least we got a better Batman movie a year later." Sean said.
(A clip from the trailer of Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero starts playing)
Batman: If I'm not back in time, go without me.
Robin: But wait!
(An explosion is heard)
Dr. Gregory Belson (Voiced by George Dzundza): Look out!
Robin: Barbara!
(Barbara screams)
Announcer: Sub-Zero.
"Don't worry, I'll review that when the time's come. Anyway, do I have anything to say about Batman & Robin? Yeah, stay as far away as possible from this movie. That's why I'm giving it 1 batarang out of 5. That's it for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I review a movie that I enjoyed from my childhood. And of course I'm talking about Don Bluth's All Dogs Go to Heaven. At least I'm reviewing something go…." Sean said before he gets interrupted again.
(A clip from the trailer of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace plays)
Announcer: Superman IV. His most important adventure. The Quest for Peace.
"Oh, crap!" Sean yelled as he slams his head down on the desk repeatedly.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – The Iceman cometh!
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Batman & Robin. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic becomes a glutton for punishment when he reviews another horrible superhero movie, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Pray for the Mayhem Critic, folks. Will he handle it? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Sorry, if I didn't add anymore ice puns. There's a lot in the movie and it would be a pain to keep count. LOL. If there's any movie or television show that you want me to review or if you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM me or just reply in the comments section. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.