The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, in this continuation of the last chapter, Sean the Mayhem Critic thought that his next review was going to be Don Bluth's animated classic All Dogs Go to Heaven. But instead, he's reviewing Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Another horrible superhero movie. Will the Mayhem Critic end up raging throughout this whole movie? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy.
P.S: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources. Superman is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.
Episode Fourteen
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, is seen once again sitting behind his desk. This time, he is seen hitting his head on his desk repeatedly and stops before giving out his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and I am a glutton for punishment. I mean, why am I the one that has to punish myself for reviewing bad movies. Can't I just review a good movie like Oscar-winner Jordan Peele's Get Out or Thor: Ragnarok? Hell, I'll take Wonder Woman. But why this movie? Because I fucking hate myself! That's why! Well, here it is. Before there was Batman & Robin, there was Superman IV: The Quest for Peace."
(The title card of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is shown)
"Boy, this film's going to get me a fucking headache. Linkara and the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie and so did Sir Buckethead and Sean Moore a.k.a. Smeghead from Cinematic Excrement reviewed this movie and their honest thoughts about this movie was that it's horrendous. And now, you're going to see how I feel about this movie." Sean said. "Roll that footage."
(Footage from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace was released on July 24th, 1987 and it was distributed by Warner Bros. and The Cannon Group, Inc. and it was directed by Iron Eagle director Sidney J. Furie, a Canadian film director. And what I have to say about this movie is that it was doomed from the start.
"But before I talk about Superman IV, let's travel back to forty years ago. It's a good place to start." Sean said.
(The title card for Superman shows up and the Superman theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Superman was release on December 18th, 1978. Directed by Lethal Weapon and The Omen director Richard Donner and produced by Alexander and Ilya Salkind. It starred the late Marlon Brando as Jor-El, Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor and the late Christopher Reeve as the title character Superman/Clark Kent. Superman was the first movie to portray the Man of Steel in a serious light. The story was stronger, the performances were excellent and the characters were much likeable. The movie was a critical and financial success and it made a whole lot of money. The movie was also nominated for three Academy Awards, including Best Film Editing for Stuart Baird, Best Original Score for the great John Williams and Best Sound. Did I mention that the movie has a memorable soundtrack? Yeah, the Superman theme was really iconic. Hell, who doesn't love Superman because of the theme music? After the success of Superman, a sequel was made. Superman II was filmed at the same time.
(The title card for Superman II, the Richard Lester-directed version is shown along with footage from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) Although, there was tension between Donner and the Salkinds. So, Richard Donner was fired and the Salkinds brought in director Richard Lester, who's known for directing the films Cuba, The Three Musketeers, Robin and Marian, The Four Musketeers, Juggernaut…
(A photo of Juggernaut from X-Men pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) No, not that Juggernaut. The movie with a bomber trying to blow up an ocean liner.
(The poster for the 1974 film Juggernaut pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) There we go. This resulted in a few changes of Superman II and Lester reshot several scenes that Donner had already completed. There was also some tension between the Salkinds and the actors who felt that Richard Donner had been treated unfairly, including Margot Kidder and Gene Hackman. In fact, Hackman refused to return for reshoots of the film, so Lester instead used a stunt double and an impersonator to loop Luthor's lines onto footage of Hackman shot by Donner. In spite of production difficulties, Superman II was eventually finished and was released in 1980. It was also a huge hit and also my favorite in the Superman film series.
(The title screen for Superman II is shown and footage from the film plays)
Sean: (Narrating) In 1983, Superman III was released one June 17th, 1983. Richard Lester once again took the director's chair. This one was different than the last two. Superman III focused more on comedy. In this one, Richard Pryor is in it. Yes, really. Richard Pryor. He plays Gus Gorman, a bumbling computer wiz. This one felt more like Richard Pryor stole most of the show and Superman was a guest star. Oh, did I mention that Annette O' Toole from Stephen King's It and Smallville plays Lana Lang, Clark Kent's high school crush. The main villain of the film is played by the late Robert Vaughn, he plays multimillionaire Ross Webster, a replacement for Lex Luthor. The film made a decent amount of money but it's nowhere near as successful as the first two and the critics were not kind to it. So, then the Salkinds, being the money-grubbing assholes that they are decided to do a spin-off of the Superman films after Superman III and that movie was Supergirl.
(A photo of Melissa Benoist as Supergirl pops up)
Sean: (Narrating and chuckles) You wish. Not the TV show. This was before Melissa Benoist as Supergirl. I'm talking about the 1984 film starring Helen Slater as the title character.
(The title card for Supergirl is shown as well as footage from the film)
Sean: (Narrating) The film was released on July 19th, 1984 and it was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, who also directed Jaws 2, Somewhere in Time and Santa Claus: The Movie. And this movie sucked. I saw it when I was young and I didn't care for it. I thought it was boring.
"Wait, why am I talking about Supergirl? I'm supposed to be talking about Superman IV." Sean said.
(Footage from three of the Superman films are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) After the mixed to negative reaction to Superman III, Reeve and the producers assumed that Superman was done for. Two years later, the Salkinds sold the rights to Golan-Globus of Cannon Films, who I mentioned on my Invaders From Mars review. And the producers made Reeve an offer he can't refuse.
"And that offer is to do a fourth Superman movie and a little film called Street Smart. And it was a better film than Superman IV." Sean said.
(Footage from Superman IV plays)
Sean: (Narrating) And with Gene Hackman along for the ride, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace was shat out. And this being a Cannon film, they have a really shitty budget for this movie.
Superman (Played by the late Christopher Reeve): It's not fair.
"So, let's see if the Israeli saviors Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus "saved" the day or put a bullet in this film series' brains. More like blowing the series' brains out. This is Superman IV: The Quest for Peace." Sean said as he starts the review.
(The opening credits starts)
Sean: (Narrating) So our film opens with….WAIT!
"Before I go on, remember the opening credits from Richard Donner's Superman and the opening credits from Superman II where we get that epic feeling when we watch the opening credits? Well, the third film's opening credits sucked. I just hoped that the opening credits for Superman IV are much better. I mean, they probably have a budget of $36 million for visual effects and the opening credits alone. Right? Right?" Sean asked with a worried look on his face.
(As the opening credits start, a horrified look appears on Sean's face as he sees how horrible the opening credits look and covers his mouth with his hand)
"Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus. What happened? Did Golan-Globus have a budget of $2 bucks for this opening title?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The only thing I like about the opening credits was that they used the comic book font for the title of the movie. But God, these opening titles are so bad, it's like they used them for an event at US Bank Arena.
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Sunday, don't miss the Monster Truck Rally and Demolition Derby at US Bank Arena with special guest Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the film was written by Christopher Reeve and it was co-written by Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal. Konner & Rosenthal also wrote the screenplay for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Lawrence Konner wrote three episodes of The Sopranos and him and Mark Rosenthal also worked on the 2016 remake of the miniseries Roots, which starred Dog With a Blog's G. Hannelius. After the sucky opening credits, the film opens with Russians…. (speaking in a deep, echoing voice) IN SPAAA….
"I'm sorry. This movie is not worthy of a "Russians in Space" joke. I can't do it. Forget it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see a Russian cosmonaut singing in Russian and is working on the capsule until….
(The Russian cosmonaut is hit by space debris, sending him flying)
"See? This is what happens when you litter in space." Sean said.
(A commercial from the Don't Trash Louisiana PSA with John Goodman is shown)
John Goodman: Hey, litter's for losers. So slam dunk your trash into the nearest can and keep things clean at home or wherever you are. Don't trash Louisiana.
Sean: (Narrating) But alas, Superman is here to save the day. And to show how shitty Cannon's budget for the film was they reuse the shot of Superman flying to the camera over and over and over and over and over again, so get used to it.
Superman: (Speaking in Russian) You'll be safer singing in here.
"Now, I would make a big deal about Superman speaking in Russian in space. I know that in Superman II, General Zod and Ursa were talking in space. And you know what, I don't have a problem with this scene. It just demonstrates diversity. Superman belongs to the world and that's the most important theme of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Smallville. Thank you movie for letting us know that it's Smallville. I can see it on the realty sign. We see that Clark Kent is returning to his family farm because his mother died in between films. He goes into the barn and finds the old spaceship that brought him to Earth and glowing green crystal with a message from his mother Lara, voiced by the late Susannah York.
Lara (Voiced by the late Susannah York): Listen carefully, my son. By now, Kal-El you are entering the atmosphere of the planet known as Earth. I pray you have made a safe journey. The yellow sun of your new home will give you great physical powers. But it cannot console your spirit.
"Unless he receives an overdose of solar radiation. What? Haven't you ever seen or read All-Star Superman?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark pulls out the green crystal and it could be only used once. That's about all we know. And that'll be our Deus Ex machina for the film. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor, played by Gene Hackman is serving his time in prison doing hard labor and joined Bosley because he grew some hair. And while the guards are telling him to get back to work, we get (deep voice) the most annoying character in the world.
Lenny Luthor (Played by Jon Cryer): Yo, jeez! Where in the hell is this and how the hell do I get to Cedar City.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lenny Luthor. Lex Luthor's nephew. He's played by Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men. And God, this I hate this character. He has a tendency to talk." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.
Lenny Luthor: Oh, no./The Dude of Steel. Boy, you're gonna get it./You can make a toupee that flies./Yeah, you're just an experiment, freako!
Sean pulls out a bottle of Heineken beer, opening it up and takes a sip. "That's right, I have a six pack of Heineken because this is going to be a long review."
Sean: (Narrating) The two guards get into the car and Lenny controls the car via remote control, driving the car off the cliff and…
(The car with the two guards drive off of the cliff, then cuts to Lenny and Lex without seeing an explosion)
"Wait a minute. Play that back." Sean said.
(The scene plays back again)
"Oh, so I guess they couldn't afford a decent explosion? They spent that budget on the crappy opening titles and the shot of Superman flying towards the camera and bad visual effects. And another thing, what kind of dumbass name is Lenny. Oh, wait, there's a character named Lenny on The Simpsons." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Lex Luthor breaks out of prison. Big surprise. And what's the first thing on his agenda?
Lex Luthor (Played by Gene Hackman) and Lenny Luthor: Destroy Superman!
"Oh, yeah. Since when has that plan ever worked? You tried to kill him with kryptonite in the first film and you tried to kill him with three renegade Kryptonians in the second film. You think that plan is going to work the third time?" Sean asked. "I know they say third times the charm, but in this case, I'd say no. And by the way, you got nothing better to do than to be an evil asshole. Dude, get a hobby. Write some smutty fanfiction. Write a smutty SuperCorp fanfic for Supergirl."
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Metropolis. Again movie, no need to tell us because I thought it was fucking New York City even though they filmed the Superman movies in New York. I know this is fucking Metropolis! We already know! We see Lois Lane, played by Margot Kidder, taking a subway trip to the Daily Planet and since it's a running gag in Superman, something bad happens to Lois and Superman has to save her.
(The subway driver suffers a heart attack, causing the subway train to go out of control)
"I guess that guy wanted out of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, the driver of the train has a heart attack, causing the train to go speeding out of control, but thankfully and unsurprisingly, Superman comes in to save the day.
(Superman steps on the train track, causing the subway to stop)
"Okay, is it just me or is Lois Lane just a glutton for trouble?" Sean asked.
Superman: I'd like all the people back there to know that our subway system is still the safest and most reliable means of public transportation.
"Depends on who you ask, big guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark arrives at the Daily Planet, late as usual. He finds himself facing a magnitude of problems. And this is the first subplot of the movie. The Daily Planet is going bankrupt and it has been bought out by a sleazy publishing tycoon named David Warfield, played by the late Sam Wanamaker, along with his daughter Lacy, played by Mariel Hemingway, they plan to turn The Daily Planet into the 80s version of TMZ.
Lacy Warfield (Played by Mariel Hemingway): (She shows Perry White mock copies of the Daily Planet's new layout) What I have here is some mock copies of our new layout. It's super, don't you think?
Clark Kent: Excuse me, Mr. Warfield. But, the world isn't really on the brink. Isn't that headline irresponsible?
David Warfield (Played by the late Sam Wanamaker): Maybe, but it'll sell a hell of a lot of newspapers.
Perry White (Played by the late Jackie Cooper): If you think I'm going to let you turn this grand old lady into one of your bimbos…
"Okay, to be honest with you, this subplot has nothing to do with the plot of the movie. This is just pointless filler for the sake of padding this movie longer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark attempts to reason with Lacy, and it turns out that Lacy has a thing for the geeky, mild-mannered type.
Lacy Warfield: He's kind of cute.
Lois Lane (Played by Margot Kidder): Look, Miss Warfield. Clark is the oldest living boy scout, okay? He's trustworthy, he's helpful, he's loyal, he's obedient, he…I don't know how to tell you this. I just don't think he'd be attracted to somebody like you.
Lacy Warfield: (Chuckles) Don't be silly. All men like me. I'm very, very rich.
"Oh, yeah. Like a hot blonde woman would be attracted to the geeky type." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless subplot, we cut to the President of the United States making an announcement on television.
U.S. President (Played by the late Robert Beatty): …We have no choice but to strive to be second to none in the nuclear arms race.
Sean: (Narrating) And then another subplot manages to sneak it's way into the movie, when we cut to a teacher, played by Jayne Brooke, talking to her students about the crisis.
JFK High School Teacher (Played by Jayne Brooke): Now, I know you're all upset by the crisis.
Sean: (V/O as classmate) No, we're upset because Disney Channel cancelled Girl Meets World.
JFK High School Teacher: The best thing we can do is to try to think positively. Now, is there anything we can do? Doesn't anyone have a suggestion? Alright, I'll make a suggestion.
"What the fuck do you expect them to answer? They're just kids! They don't know jack shit about politics. Do you think that they'll answer that question?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then one kid named Jeremy, played by Damian McLawhorn has the perfect solution.
JFK High School Teacher: Jeremy? What do you think we could do about the crisis?
Student #1: He doesn't even know what's going on.
Jeremy (Played by Damian McLawhorn): I'd tell you who I'd write a letter to that would do some good.
"Who? The Power Rangers?" Sean asked.
Jeremy: No, Superman!
Museum Tour Guide (Played by Diana Hunter): Superman, the subject of our newest exhibit….
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell happened here? Go back." Sean said, playing back the footage.
Student #2: Who? Santa Claus?
Jeremy: No, Superman!
(Cuts to an exhibit of Superman)
Museum Tour Guide: Superman, the subject of our newest exhibit….
"Okay, I did not edit this. This is how the movie plays right there. What the hell kind of transition is that? It feels like I accidentally hit the skip button on my remote." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is sitting in the living room watching the movie Zombies. He's watching the Fired Up music sequence)
Been waiting for this day to come and it was all so clear
Since I was a little girl I saw me standing….
(Sean accidentally hits the skip button on the DVD remote with his elbow, switching it to the scene where Zed and Addison are singing Someday)
Someday
This could be. This could be ordinary
Someday
Could we be something extraordinary
Sean: Oh, crap. I did not mean to do that. Shoot!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Okay, folks. We're dealing with a lot of stuff here. A terrible story, horrible visual effects, pointless filler scenes that have absolutely nothing to the plot of the film and now poor editing." Sean said.
"Ugh, why did people want you to review this movie, man?" Brian asked, sipping his beer.
"Just to see me suffer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Superman donated a strand of his hair, that can easily hold a 1000-pound load. A single strand of his hair!
"Not only he has super strength, he has super strong hair." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After everybody leaves, Lex and Lenny plan to steal a strand of Superman's hair for his diabolical scheme.
Lex Luthor: That hair is an example of Superman's genetic material. The building blocks of his body. With my genius and enough nuclear power to mutate the genes….
"Uh, did Lex Luthor just say "nuke-u-lar."?" Sean asked after hearing Lex Luthor mispronounce the word "nuclear."
(A clip from the Pretty Little Liars episode Know Your Frenemies plays)
Hanna Marin (Played by Ashley Benson): It's a bombshell, like in "nuke-u-lar."
Spencer Hastings (Played by Troian Bellisario): It's "nuclear." "Nuke-le-ar."
"What she said." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lex steals a strand of Superman's hair by cutting it with a pair of hedge-clippers. Are you freaking kidding me? Just a strand of Superman's hair can be easily cut by a pair of hedge-clippers very easily. The strand of hair is able to hold a 1000 lbs and you're able to cut it with a pair of hedge-clippers. How is that even possible?!
"Oh, God! Can this movie be any stupider?" Sean asked, rubbing his temples in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Jeremy writes a letter and sends it to the Daily Planet, telling them to inform Superman that he needs to get rid of all of the nuclear weapons to ensure peace. Clark reads the letter while Lacy believes that she can make headlines off the kid's letter. And she does this….
(We cut to David and Lacy Warfield throwing a press conference for Jeremy)
Sean: (Narrating) By holding a freaking press conference on the kid?! Bitch, are you serious?!
"Hell, TMZ wasn't that desperate for a story!" Sean exclaimed.
Jeremy: I just said I wish Superman would've said yes.
David Warfield: Did you get that?
Reporter: No, we didn't.
David Warfield: Well, say it again. Loudly.
Jeremy: I just said I wish Superman would've said yes!
(We cut to a shot of the newspaper with the headline saying: "Superman says 'drop dead' to kid!")
"Okay, we all know that he didn't say that. I am going to mention this because of Golan & Globus being the stupid dumb assholes that they are, cut a few scenes from the film. And there was a scene where Superman visits Jeremy at his school and talks to him in response to his letter and all he did was denied the request of getting rid of all of the nuclear weapons. Why did they feel the need to remove that scene? It was necessary to the plot. This movie is just fucking with me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark becomes conflicted on what he should do, either he should interfere or not to interfere and let Earth suffer the same fate as Krypton. So, he goes to the Fortress of Solitude to consult with the Elders of Krypton.
First Elder of Krypton (Played by the late David Garth): The Earth is too primitive. You can flee to new worlds where war is long forgotten.
Second Elder of Krypton (Played by the late Esmond Knight): If you teach the Earth to put it's fate in any one man even yourself, you're teaching them to be betrayed.
First Elder of Krypton: Betrayed...betrayed…betrayed…betrayed!
Sean laughs a bit from the First Elder of Krypton's exit. "Oh, my God. This guy is so over the top, they had to do the Kryptonian version of getting them off of the stage."
Sean (V/O as the First Elder of Krypton): Betrayed…betrayed…betrayed…betrayed!
(The First Elder fades away)
Sean: (V/O as the First Elder of Krypton) Wait! I wasn't even finished! Son of a bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark is sitting in his apartment moping around because of issue of nuclear war, Lois stops by to accompany him to the press awards dinner. But before they leave, they've decide to talk for a bit out in the balcony for some fresh air.
Lois Lane: (While they walk off the edge of Clark's patio) Clark? Clark? Clark, things aren't that bad! Clark, stop!
(Lois and Clark both fall off of the patio)
Lois Lane: Oh, Clark! Clark! Clark!
Sean: (V/O as Lois Lane) Save me from this horrible greenscreen effect!
(Superman appears and catches Lois. Superman catches Lois, revealing his identity to her as she removes his glasses from off of his face)
Lois Lane: Superman!
Sean: (Narrating) And to piss me off some more, they rip off the flying sequence between Superman and Lois Lane from the first one. This is note for note the same fucking scene!
(A picture of the Cannon Films logo and Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus pops up)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Cannon Films. We like to rip off movies, so fuck you!
Sean: (Narrating) After their flying date, Superman asks Lois some advice on how to make the world a better place and she says this…
Lois Lane: You'll do the right thing, no matter what it is. You always have.
"I don't think Lois remembers what his real name is." Sean said with a grin on his face.
Lois Lane: Kal-El.
"The flying fuck?! How can she still remember what his name is? I thought that memory wipe kiss from Superman II is supposed to make her forget a thing. Let me guess, he used more tongue in the kiss, right? Is it possible that he used more tongue for the kiss? Look, here's a little lesson in filmmaking for you guys. It's called continuity. She wasn't supposed to remember!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) And they rip off the memory wipe kiss from the second film. Well, it was pointless then and it is pointless now. Meanwhile, we cut to Superman going to the United Nations building after making his decision. Him and Jeremy enter the United Nations building and Jeremy exit stage right up outta here never to be seen again.
"And I hope you guys are ready for me for what I'm about to show you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Superman's speech." Sean said. "Roll the clip."
Superman: For many years now, I've live among you as a visitor. As of today, I'm not a visitor any more. I can't stand idly by and watch as you stumble into the madness of possible nuclear destruction. And so I've come to a decision. I'm going to do what our governments have been unwilling or unable to do. Effective immediately, I'm going to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons.
(The UN audience bursts out in applause)
"That was it? Boooo!" Brian yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Superman rids the world of all nuclear weapons and everyone is okay with this. The United States and the Soviet Union launch their nuclear missiles into space, where Superman catches them, puts them in a net and hurls them into the sun.
(A clip from Spaceballs plays)
Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): (Breaks the fourth wall) Anybody got that?
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Lex Luthor has a meeting with three arms dealers. One arms dealer is played by Jim Broadbent from Harry Potter and Game of Thrones and… (Sean notices the fat man with glasses) That fat guy looks so familiar.
(A clip from Tim Burton's Batman plays)
Lt. Eckhardt (Played by the late William Hootkins): I say… you're full of shit, Knox.
"Yep, that's the late William Hootkins, playing Harry Howler on Superman IV. Don't worry, at least he'll be in a better superhero movie." Sean said. "But he'll get shot by Jack Nicholson."
Jack Napier (Played by Jack Nicholson): Eckhardt! Think about the future.
(Jack shoots Eckhardt)
Sean: (Narrating) These black market arms dealers plan to secretly re-arm the superpowers of the world with nuclear warheads and Lex has offered to help them by destroying Superman and he reveals his plan.
Lex Luthor: Behold, my unscrupulous friends!
(Lex opens the blinds)
Harry Howler (Played by the late William Hootkins): Shut those blinds, the sun is hurting my eyes!
Lex Luthor: You know what the sun is? It's nothing more than a huge nuclear bomb.
"Okay, first of all. The sun is a little bit more complicated than that. And second, the word is still "nuclear.", ya numbskull." Sean said, correcting Lex Luthor once more after he mispronounces "nuclear" once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Lex reveals to the arms dealers by showing them some genetic goo that he concocted off-screen from Superman's hair and plans to put it aboard one of the missiles that will create the ultimate adversary for the Man of Steel. You know, movie. You should try explaining yourself.
Lex Luthor: Superman will have the biggest surprise of his life. I'll introduce him to his first nightmare, a "Nuclear Man."
Sean throw his beer bottle at the wall in rage after Lex Luthor mispronounces the word "nuclear" again. "Son of a bitch! The word is "nuclear"! N-U-C-L-E-A-R! There's nothing between the "C" and the "L"! It's two syllables! That's it and that's all. NU-CLEAR!"
(A clip from Judge Judy plays)
Judge Judy Sheindlin: You're an idiot!
Sean: (Narrating) Lex places the genetic material aboard one of the missiles and launches it into space, Superman hurls it into the sun and the evil Nuclear Man is born. I'm not kidding. Like literally born, fetus and all. He has a nice set of blonde hair and sporting silver-painted fingernails. And he arrives at Lex's hideout. Nuclear Man is played by Mark Pillow.
Nuclear Man (Played by Mark Pillow but voiced by Gene Hackman): You are nothing. I am the father now.
Lex Luthor: You have my voice.
Nuclear Man: No, you have my voice.
"Wow, talk about some bad voice dubbing." Sean said with his voiced replaced by Brian's voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Nuclear Man is the ultimate weapon to annihilate the Man of Steel, but there's one little flaw.
(Nuclear Man walks into the shade and powers down)
"Ladies and gentlemen, the most eco-friendly supervillain that is solar powered." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Nuclear Man gets his power from the sun. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, there are about a hundred scenes when he's clearly not in direct sunlight and yet he's perfectly fine. Well, you can scratch weaknesses off of the list.
"God, I hate inconsistency." Sean said, but this time, his watch is on his right wrist.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we've got another subplot for the film. Lacy takes a liking to Clark and tries to seduce him. It's glasses, right? Chicks dig the glasses. And Clark agrees to go out on a date with her. And we don't see this date because the scene was deleted. God, this movie has so much filler scenes that have nothing to do with the plot. And then we have some goofy antics where Lacy makes a date with Clark at the same time that Lois is having an interview with Superman.
(We get a montage of Clark's goofy antics while Sean drinks his bottle of Heineken)
Sean: (Sings to the tune of Thriller and dances) 'Cause this is filler! Filling up the time! An hour and a half is just too long for uncreative minds! Whoo! Whoo!
Sean: (Narrating) Since these idiots are not done ripping off the first two movies, they begin to rip off the scene from Superman: The Movie, Lex Luthor contacts Superman into a confrontation at the Empire State Building or Metropolis Tower, and then we get some banter between the two and…
Lenny Luthor: The dude of steel. Boy, are you gonna get it!
"Shut up!" Sean yelled.
Lex Luthor: You know you're a workaholic? You're playing a good guy 24 hours a day. Why don't you stop and smell the roses, huh? Get yourself a hobby?
"Uh, why don't you get yourself a hobby, Lex Luthor? Fucking around with Superman is getting pretty old." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then Superman is introduced to Nuclear Man, and then we have ourselves a super battle.
(Nuclear Man roars)
Sean starts laughing after hearing Nuclear Man roaring. "What the hell was that? That roar was fucking hilarious. Seriously, what was up there? Did Nuclear Man just have an orgasm from feeling the power of the sun?"
(A clip of Nuclear Man roars plays again)
Sean roars and does his imitation of Nuclear Man. "I think I just nuclear jizzed in my tights!"
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, it's the Man of Steel versus a hot supervillain born from the sun with good hair and silver Lee press-on fingernails. This is going to be a great fi….
(Superman and Nuclear Man start fighting and fall off of the observation deck of the Empire State Building. The two struggle for a while in front of a bad blue screen effect. Superman and Nuclear man fight to the Canyonero song from The Simpsons)
"Oh, Jesus Christ. This fight is horrible! This is one of the worst superhero fights ever! I like Superman's fight with General Zod, Ursa and Non in Superman II. Oh, yeah and Superman hits Nuclear Man just with one little punch. FAIL!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Superman and Nuclear Man fly around the world. First up, China, where Nuclear Man destroys the Great Wall of China. But then Superman is there to repair it with his….
(Superman repairs the Great Wall of China with his eyes)
Sean looks on while being confused. "Since when the hell did Superman have this ability to repair a wall?! I've never read that in the comics! Look, movie. I have only one word for you. Explain. And you're not doing a pretty good job at explaining things."
Sean: (Narrating) So, the fight continues in space. Nuclear Man uses his freeze breath to freeze Superman, then flies down to Italy and Superman saves the day by plugging the volcano up with a giant boulder. AND THESE TWO MOTHERFUCKERS CONTINUE TO FIGHT IN SPACE! Oh, God! Make it stop! Nuclear Man flies down to Metropolis, grabs the Statue of Liberty and tries to destroy it and kill everybody by dropping it. Superman, of course, is there to catch Lady Liberty.
"Good, Superman. Now that you caught the Statue of Liberty, put her back where she belongs so Ivan Reitman can use her in two years for Ghostbusters II." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Superman tries to return the Statue of Liberty, Nuclear Man attacks him by scratching on the back of his neck. This somehow makes him weak. And then Nuclear Man proceeds to finish him off by doing this.
Sean (V/O as a Football Announcer): Nuclear Man lines up for the crucial kick. One final tick of the clock begins. It's a 49-field goal into the wind. Nuclear Man makes the kick, it's got the distance…
(Nuclear Man kicks Superman like a football)
Sean: (V/O as a Football Announcer): Holy Toledo, it's good!
(A clip from The Simpsons season one episode The Tell-Tale Head plays)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): It's good! It's good! IT'S GOOD!
(The people of Springfield and Reverend Lovejoy look at Homer)
Homer Simpson: It's good to see you all in church.
Reverend Lovejoy (Voiced by Harry Shearer): Please be seated, Homer.
Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): Yeah, Homer. Sit down.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Daily Planet, Lois is disgusted that David and Lacy published the headline "Superman Dead?" and seizes Superman's cape. Okay, why would you all care for this? This is just filler for the film. All that Lacy said to her asshole father was this.
Lacy Warfield: Daddy.
David Warfield: Yes, darling?
Lacy Warfield: Stuff it!
Sean: (Narrating) Then Lois goes over to Clark's apartment and we see that Clark has fallen ill from radiation sickness and we get this pointless scene where she tells and proclaims her love for Superman.
Lois Lane: I'd tell him that I will always cherish the time we've spent together. And that I never expected anything in return…
While Lois is proclaiming her love for Superman, Sean tries to stay awake, then ends up falling asleep, tilts forward and hits his head on his desk. "GODDAMMIT!"
(A clip from The Simpsons season 8 episode In Marge We Trust)
(The churchgoers gasp after hearing Sean cursing)
"Oops. Sorry." Sean said, covering his mouth.
Sean: (Narrating) Dying from radiation sickness, we see that Clark pulls out the green crystal from earlier, the Kryptonian energy module to heal himself. They never explained what it does in the film because they do a bad job at explaining shit so I have to do the explaining for you.
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Quest for Camelot plays)
Nostalgia Critic: Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Nuclear Man is powering up from the sun and he sees Lacy's picture on the Daily Planet and he develops a crush on her. You've gotta be kidding me. Don't ask me why because they stopped caring for the plot. And he flies off into the city to kidnap her but then he comes across a newly rejuvenated Superman.
Nuclear Man: Where is the woman?
Superman: Give it up, you'll never find her.
Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.
Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people.
"That is the most stupidest line I've ever heard in my life! Not only we're dealing with a terrible story, horrible filler scenes, horrible visual effects and bad editing, we're dealing with bad dialogue here." Sean said. "I could come up with a better line, lit so."
Sean: (V/O as Nuclear Man) Give me her location or innocents will die.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Nuclear Man starts going nuclear on our asses when he throws the mother of all temper tantrums.
Superman: Stop! Don't do it, the people!
"Okay. First of all, remember that scene in Superman II where General Zod, Ursa and Non were wreaking havoc in Metropolis and Non, the big hulking, silent Kryptonian is holding onto a bus filled with people, and Superman's yelling out this line?" Sean asked before playing a clip from Superman II.
(A clip from Superman II plays)
Superman: No! Don't do it! The People!
"They're ripping that scene off. Second, that's the worst line delivery ever and Chris Stuckmann has made fun of this." Sean said.
(A clip from Chris Stuckmann's review of Superman IV plays)
Chris Stuckmann: Stop! Don't do it, the people! Stop! Don't do it, the people! Stop! Don't do it, the people!
"And third, instead of standing there like an idiot and yelling out "Stop! Don't do it, the people!", why don't you march your Kryptonian ass over there and do something?!" Sean asked.
(A clip from Spaceballs plays)
President Skroob (Played by Mel Brooks): Do something!
Dark Helmet: Do something!
Colonel Sandurz (Played by George Wyner): Do something!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Nuclear Man is so powerful, he can make the film reverse. And points taken off, I can clearly see the wires on people and on Nuclear Man as well. Superman lures Nuclear Man into an elevator, traps him inside and drops him off on the dark side of the moon. Let's hope he doesn't run into Michael Bay or any Decepticons. However, a sliver of light goes into the elevator and recharges him. Another point taken off because I can see black curtains. Superman fixes the flag and it look unconvincing and then we have another fight scene in slow motion. AND IT'S BORING!
(The fight between Superman and Nuclear Man goes on, with Dancing On the Avenue by John Cacavas. We see Sean playing Far Cry 5 on his Xbox One X, then we see him working on Betty/Veronica smut fanfiction for Riverdale, and then we see him reading Tom Clancy's Clear and Present Danger while sipping on a cup of coffee. The fight ends with Nuclear Man hammers Superman into the moon's surface)
Sean looks up and sits his book down on his desk. "Is it over yet?"
Sean: (Narrating) Nuclear Man flies back down to Metropolis and kidnaps Lacy.
"And what happens next. Oy, vey. You know what? I'm not gonna do any running commentary and I'll try to contain my rage because of how fucking stupid it is. I just want you all to just bask in the stupidity of this while I just sit back and drink my coffee." Sean said with a smile on his face to stay calm. "Roll the footage."
(The scene begins as Superman pushes the moon out of it's orbit while Nuclear Man flies Lacy into space, where she is able to breathe. Superman blocks the sun with the moon, casting Earth into an eclipse, shutting down Nuclear Man's powers, leaving Lacy helpless in space. Superman flies in and saves Lacy and returns her to Earth. Superman goes back and recovers Nuclear Man, dropping him into the core of a nuclear power plant, destroying him, causes a power surge which turns on a bunch of lights in Metropolis)
Sean takes a sip of coffee to calm down. "Okay, to answer your first question: yes. That just happened. And now that you had a chance to watch this wonderful scene, let's take a look at what's wrong with the scene."
Sean: (Narrating) Number 1: Superman stops Nuclear Man by pushing the moon between him and the sun, thus creating a solar eclipse. Superman is a fucking maniac because we don't know how many geological disasters he just caused and so many deaths responsible. Number 2: Everyone is still able to talk in space, or in Nuclear Man's case just roar, even though sound doesn't travel in space. Number 3: Superman and Nuclear Man's capes are flapping in the wind. There's no fucking wind in space. Number 4: In this shot, the Earth is backwards. Number 5: Superman destroys Nuclear Man by dropping him into the core of the nuclear power plant. How does dropping him into a nuclear power plant kills Nuclear Man, that should have the opposite effect. Number 6: Dropping Nuclear Man in the power plant causes a power surge, which turns on a bunch of lights. Electricity doesn't work that way.
"And number 7: Lacy is breathing in outer space. Uh, how in the holy mother of fuck is Lacy able to breathe in outer motherfucking space?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I don't expect a superhero movie to be this perfect or 100% realistic but this is kindergarten science. You're not supposed to breathe in space. Lacy should've been dead by now. How can anyone not notice this? Hell, my mom noticed this when I first saw this movie on Star 64 a.k.a. WB 64 back in 1999 when I was about seven years old. My mother, my own mother caught this and I caught this as well and I was only seven! Out of all the people who worked on this movie, somebody should've spoken up to director Sidney J. Furie and say "You know, she's not supposed to breathe in space." Fuckin' atmospheres!
(A clip from UHF plays)
Kuni (Played by Gedde Watanabe): Stupid! You're so stupid!
Sean: (Narrating) Let's wrap this review up, Perry White buys back the Daily Planet and kicks David Warfield out. Basically, he tell him this.
(A clip from The Simpsons season 5 episode Rosebud plays)
Christopher Ward: Go to Hell, you old bastard!
"That's the last Simpsons reference I'll use for the review, I promise." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless sub-plot is finished, Superman arrives at a press conference and delivers his speech about peace.
Superman: There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them.
Sean: (Narrating) Superman recaptures Lex and Lenny Luthor. He sends Lenny to Boys Town and returns Lex to prison.
Lex Luthor: Is the world gonna be vaporized.
Superman: No, Luthor. It's as it always was, on the brink, with good fighting evil. See you in twenty.
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with the same shot of Superman flying into space and looks at the camera and smiles at the audience like he always does in the films.
"God, this movie was fucking horrible! It's crap! It's morals was crap as well. This movie was the worst ever. And I have seen worst superhero movies like the 1989 version of The Punisher, Green Lantern and Fan4stic. I cannot believe that we waited nineteen years for a good Superman movie and it was Superman Returns. And it ignored the events of Superman III and Superman IV. But hey, give Man of Steel, which I've enjoyed, and Superman Returns some credit, at least it wasn't this piece of buffalo shit. With bad visual effects, a terrible plot, bad dialogue, pointless filler scenes and bad editing, this was the Kryptonite bullet being put in this film series' head! That's why Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is getting a 1 Superman symbol out of 5. My friends, if you want to watch a good Superman movie, watch Richard Donner's Superman and Superman II, either the Richard Lester version or the Richard Donner cut of Superman II. Stay as far away from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. I'm the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when I review…uh, what's my next review?" Sean asked.
"All Dogs Go to Heaven." Dave said.
"Yes!" Sean said, raising his hands up in joy.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Stop! Don't do it, the people!
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and oh, boy. Just like Batman & Robin, I really wanted to review this movie ever since I first started writing The Mayhem Critic. But yeah, I will be reviewing two good Superman movies in future reviews, I'll be reviewing Superman: The Movie and Superman II. Sadly, I don't own the Richard Donner cut of Superman II but I own the Richard Lester version of Superman II. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the 1989 Don Bluth movie All Dogs Go to Heaven. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you and to co-review a movie or TV show, feel free to PM me or comment on the reviews and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.