The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so I have been looking for some shows to review and I wanted to review the show Twisted, the ABC Family show that starred Avan Jogia from Victorious and I was checking to see if they have it on Hulu and they don't have it on Hulu anymore. WTF mofo! Come on, at least let me check the show out. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic goes back to his childhood to check out his favorite animated movie from director Don Bluth. And that was All Dogs Go to Heaven. Let's see if Sean takes on a family movie involving death and a sequence involving Hell. Here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
Episode Fifteen
All Dogs Go to Heaven
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources. All Dogs Go to Heaven is owned by United Artists, Goldcrest Films and Sullivan Bluth Studios.
Sean is seen sitting in front of his desk, sipping his cup of coffee, preparing to talk about today's topic of the review. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're going to be talking about one of my favorite directors in animated features. And of course, I'm talking about a guy named Don Bluth."
(Various photos of Don Bluth and his films pop up)
Sean: (Narrating) He was one of the greatest animation gods who ever lived. He got his start as an assistant to the late John Lounsbery for the Disney animated film Sleeping Beauty. In 1967, he joined Filmation and working on layouts for The Archies…
(A poster of Riverdale pops up)
Sean: (Narrating) The cartoon, idiot! And he returned to work full-time for Disney in 1971 where he worked on such great Disney films like Robin Hood, Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too, The Rescuers and directing animation for Pete's Dragon. Not the live action remake. His last involvement with Disney was the 1978 short The Small One, which he directed.
(Clips from Banjo, the Woodpile Cat and the animated sequence from Xanadu starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) After he left Disney, Bluth worked on a short film that he created called Banjo the Woodpile Cat and he also worked on an animated sequence for that Olivia Newton-John movie called Xanadu. Don't check out the movie, just watch the animated sequence only. He was involved in the 1983 arcade game Dragon's Lair, a game that made the Nostalgia Critic rage. But let's talk about his films.
(Posters and footage from The Secret of Nimh, An American Tail and The Land Before Time is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) He did direct some good movies in the 80's, films like The Secret of Nimh in 1982 a film that the Nostalgia Critic likes and I do too, An American Tail in 1986 and The Land Before Time in 1988, a film that was produced by Steven Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment and George Lucas. But in the 90's, it went downhill.
(Posters and footage from Rock-A-Doodle, Thumbelina, A Troll in Central Park and The Pebble and the Penguin is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Just like Ralph Bakshi in the 90's when he directed Cool World, Don Bluth has directed some pretty bad films. Three of which the Nostalgia Critic directed like Rock-A-Doodle, A Troll in Central Park and The Pebble and the Penguin.
(A poster and footage from Anastasia is shown, along with footage from Titan A.E. and the poster is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Then in 1997, he directed a really good animated film. And that movie was Anastasia. I'll give him a free pass on that. But then in 2000, he directed the movie Titan A.E., and it bombed.
"So, how did all this greatness ended? Well, it ended in 1989 with All Dogs Go to Heaven." Sean said.
(The title card for All Dogs Go to Heaven and footage from the film is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Produced by Sullivan Bluth Studios and Goldcrest Films and distributed by United Artists. The film was released in theaters on November 17, 1989. This was one of my favorite films in my childhood and one of the first Don Bluth films I remember seeing. It was one of the last great Don Bluth films of the 80's. It's a movie that I remember liking as a kid. I remember watching it on Showtime, on VHS when I rented it from Blockbuster, Toon Disney before they changed it to Disney XD. This movie was my Secret of Nimh.
"So, I ask you this. Is All Dogs Go to Heaven still good after 29 years? Well, let's find out in today's review and find out. This is All Dogs Go to Heaven." Sean said as he starts the review.
Sean: (Narrating) Our tale begins underground of all places, where we see one dog, a Dachshund named Itchy, voiced by the late Dom DeLuise, trying to free another dog slash main character, a German Shepherd named Charlie B. Barkin, he's voiced by Burt Reynolds. While trying to make their escape, the only thing in between them is a pipe. Well, I guess you can dig around it.
Itchy (Voiced by the late Dom DeLuise): (Seen holding a jackhammer) Here, let me try this.
"A jackhammer? Are you sure that's going to work?" Sean asked. "Oh, and great casting choice by the way."
(Itchy uses the jackhammer on the water main, causing it to burst)
Guard #1: Busted water main!
Guard #2: Hit the lights!
Guard #3: Call command central!
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy make their escape from the city pound and….
(The guards shoot at Charlie and Itchy and the two make a run for it)
Charlie (Voiced by Burt Reynolds) Come on, let's get outta here!
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus! What kind of prison is this? All of a sudden the guards have guns and they start shooting at them? I know they're dogs and you're telling me that you don't have any tranquilizer darts? What year does this movie take place in?
"Uh, Sean. The movie takes place in 1939 New Orleans. Tranquilizer darts haven't been invented yet." Dave the cameraman said.
"Oh, okay. Continue." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After escaping from the pound Charlie and Itchy return to a dog casino on the Louisiana Bayou, we see that the casino was co-owned by Charlie and we get to see some stuff that dogs do in a kid's film: gambling, drinking and smoking.
Sean: (V/O) A family picture!
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie B. Barkin, yes that's his name. He's well liked amongst the casino owners. And since he was gone, the casino hasn't been going so well and what's the best solution for this? Well, sing about it, of course!
Charlie: (Sings) Oh, ya can't keep a good dog down.
Itchy: No, sir.
Charlie: (Sings) Oh, ya can't keep a good dog down.
I've seen a pain and hurt
Itchy: That's right.
Charlie: (Sings) I've eaten dirt.
Itchy: That's true.
Charlie: It's hard to buy but even I've been jilted by a skirt!
"Oh, Christ. Burt. Burt, baby. Are you even trying to sing? I've heard better singers than that." Sean said.
(Footage from Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem and butchering it is shown)
"Matter of fact, I'd rather listen to Burt Reynolds singing." Sean said.
(Footage of Roseanne singing the National Anthem is shown)
"Aaah! Turn it off!" Sean shrieks.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after that little musical number and getting separated by Charlie via sliding door, we're introduced to two other characters of the film. Killer, who's voiced by the late Charles Nelson Reilly. And the main antagonist Carface Caruthers, he's voiced by the late Vic Tayback, who you might recognize him in the 1974 movie Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore and it's television sitcom adaptation simply known as Alice from 1976 to 1985, he played diner owner Mel Sharples.
Carface (Voiced by the late Vic Tayback): I do not wish that I should share the deepest sin of the business with my partner Charlie.
Killer (Voiced by the late Charles Nelson Reilly): You want that I should squeeze his head with the pliers?
Carface: Friends must be handled in a friendly and business-like way.
"Okay, I know that is wrong to like the villain, but my God. That right there is the work of a true dog mobster. Carface is one of the finer examples of an antagonistic dog and his voice fits well with that mafia-like appearance and hearing him talk like that is what I expect from someone. He's like the animated dog version of Hiram Lodge from Riverdale." Sean said as a photo of Carface and a photo of Mark Consuelos as Hiram Lodge is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie confronts his business partner about how the casino is run. And refusing to share the profits with Charlie, Carface persuades him to leave town with 50% of the casinos earnings. But that's not the interesting part. Itchy overhears something about a monster that Carface has. But hey, let's get back to Charlie. Carface initiates his plan by throwing a fake farewell party during Mardi Gras by getting him good and drunk and Itchy tries to stop Carface from killing Charlie.
"Okay, movie. You just showed us people shooting at dogs, dogs gambling, dogs drinking and getting drunk. What's next? Are you going to show dogs killing each other?" Sean asked, chuckling a bit.
Carface: Goodbye, Charlie.
Killer: Want me to help you push the car? Can I? Can I, please?
(Itchy arrives and sees Carface and Killer about to murder Charlie)
Itchy: Charlie! Charlie!
(Carface pushes the down the hill)
Charlie: (Singing while drunk) You can't keep a good dog dooooooooooooown.
(The car hits Charlie and kills him. We see the car flying off of the dock and lands in the water)
"What the hell?! We just witnessed a main character getting killed off in the first fifteen minutes of the film. Like when has that ever happened before in a movie?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Halloween 5 plays, showing the scene where Michael Myers stabs Rachel with a pair of scissors and kills her)
"God, why'd you have to show that clip? But this is a kid's movie. Jeez. Don Bluth, running over your kid's childhood since 1982." Sean said.
(A picture of Don Bluth is shown with the words "A Family Picture!" is printed)
Sean: (V/O) A family picture!
"Way to ruin a movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting murdered by Carface, Charlie is sent to the wonderful place that Atheists say doesn't exist. Heaven. He is greeted by Whippet Angel, or Annabelle if you like to call her that. She's voiced by singer Melba Moore.
Charlie: Where am I?
Whippet Angel (Voiced by Melba Moore): This is the Great Hall of Judgment.
Charlie: Judgment?!
Whippet Angel: Oh, not to worry Charlie. You go to Heaven. All dogs go to Heaven because unlike people, dogs are naturally good. And loyal and kind.
"Really? Are we going with that bit of logic? All dogs are naturally good. Have you ever seen the movie Cujo?" Sean asked. "Also, you have his profile down as bad dog. A dog doing bad things in life shouldn't be going to Heaven.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I just noticed something. While the Whippet Angel, I mean, Annabelle, is reading over Charlie's profile, I had to pause the movie because Charlie's parents names are Burt R. Barkin and Loni A. Bowzer. That's a reference to Burt Reynolds and his then-wife at the time Loni Anderson. The Whippet Angel explains to Charlie that everyone's lifeforce is represented by clocks and Charlie's watch has stopped.
Charlie: Well, can't you just wind it up or something?
Whippet Angel: And send you back? Oh no, no, no, no. No one is ever allowed to go back.
"I'm just going to let you know that this will be important later on in the film and I hope that you're taking notes because I'm not going to repeat it to you again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another song and even though I tend to harp on Burt Reynolds' singing, I really like this sequence where Charlie is trying to outwit Annabelle.
Charlie: (Singing) I need Brazil
The throb, the thrill
I've never been there, but someday I will
Adventure and danger, love from a stranger
Let me be surprised!
Sean sighs a bit. "Remember Smokey & the Bandit? That was a good movie, right?"
Sean: (Narrating) So, after this second song, Charlie steals the watch and winds it up, returning to Earth.
"Just a quick recap for what your children have witnessed throughout the movie in the first fifteen minutes. We have witnessed felony, guns, gambling, Charles Nelson Reilly, Vic Tayback, Burt Reynolds getting drunk, drinking, smoking, greed, death, afterlife and resurrection. Hope that you like this film, kids." Sean smiles.
Sean: (Narrating) After returning to Earth, Charlie is told that if he dies again, he can never go back to Heaven. Charlie reunites with Itchy and here's how Itchy reacts to seeing his best buddy back from the dead.
Itchy: (Smiles) Oh. Hi, Charlie.
Charlie: Hi.
Itchy: (Screams) Charlie!
Charlie: Shh!
Itchy: You're a ghost!
"Okay, we get it. You saw him die. Just stop freaking out." Sean said.
Charlie: Quiet! I'm not a ghost. I'm not dead.
(Itchy screams again)
"Dude, relax." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Itchy is finished freaking out about his friend's return, Charlie and Itchy sneak into the casino basement to find out how Carface keeps winning bets on rat races and they see what this monster is revealed to be….
Charlie: Now there is your monster.
(The monster is revealed to be a little girl)
Itchy: Well, I'll be.
Sean: (Narrating) The monster is revealed to be a little girl. And awww, she's adorable. This little girl is named Anne-Marie, she's voiced by the late Judith Barsi. Who had earlier voiced the character Ducky in the 1988 animated feature The Land Before Time and you might've recognized her as the daughter of Gary Busey's character in the 1986 movie Eye of the Tiger and in 1987 she played the character Thea Brody, the daughter of Mike Brody in Jaws: The Revenge. Don't worry, I'll get to that movie another time.
"Okay, I just want to bring up something about Judith Barsi. This was her final film role. And the reason why this was her final film role was because on July 25th, 1988, her and her mother Maria Virovacz were both murdered by her father Jozsef Barsi while they were asleep. And this upsets me because she was only 10 years old and also this sucks because Don Bluth intended to feature her extensively in his future productions. She still could've been alive today but that monster Jozsef took that away from her. Oh, and the song at the end credits of the movie, Love Survives, is dedicated to her memory." Sean said. "Sorry if I'm getting too upset about what happened to little Judith. Let's continue this review."
"Wait, that's the monster? More like hostage." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, about Anne-Marie. She's one of those characters that have the magic ability to talk to animals. Yeah, she has the Dr. Doolittle Syndrome. The reason why she is capable of having that special gift is because…and why does Carface keep her here? And where are her parents?
Anne-Marie (Voiced by the late Judith Barsi): Hi, Mr. Long Tail. How are you today?
(The rat speaks to Anne-Marie)
Anne-Marie: Fine, thank you. Will you be in the race tonight?
(The rat speaks to Anne-Marie again)
Anne-Marie: Sore foot? You shouldn't run.
We then cut to Sean sitting at his desk with a smile on his face, getting ready to sing a song.
"You're my honey bunch, sugar plum, pumpie umpy umpkin, you're my sweetie pie." Sean sings in a babyish voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie is interested in taking this little cash bag in his chance for revenge against Carface.
Charlie: I am Charlie B. Barkin and this my associate Itchyford "Itchy" Dachshund. Mr. Itchy to you./ Let us take you away from all of this. Where are your parents?
Anne-Marie: I'm an orphan.
Charlie: (Gasps) She's an orphan. She doesn't have any parents.
"So, you're planning on scamming this adorable little girl into thinking that he's a better guardian? Dude, there's a reservation for you in Hell. You'll be dining with Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Charlie and Itchy steal Anne-Marie away from Carface in hopes of finding her parents only to use her ability for their own selfish gains. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I hope that Carface will take the news to her being gone very we…..
Carface: (Yells) WHAT?!
(Throws a lantern at Killer. Killer screams and hides)
Carface: What do ya mean she is gone?!
Killer: (Stammers) Well…uh…well….uh… you see, boss…I…
Carface: SHUT UP!
"Well, he took that pretty well." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Charlie and Itchy convince Anne-Marie to talk to race horses to find out who's going to win and they come up with an idea to steal money. So, Itchy pretends to be hurt and Charlie steals the wallet from a lovely couple named Harold and Kate, they're voiced by Rob Fuller and Earleen Carey.
"Don't worry, we'll see these two again in the movie. Coming up, we get three separate montages and this first one. Oh, boy. It's…it's…. just watch." Sean said.
(We see that Anne-Marie is disguised as a grown-up with Charlie pretending to be her legs and ends up walking up to the window)
Anne-Marie: (In a deep voice) I want to make a bet, please.
Sean: (V/O) Uh, does anyone not notice that oddly-shaped person with a silly looking mustache and weird feet and a baby face dancing in the middle of the street? Anybody? Nobody's not paying any attention to this?!
"Come on, it's not like I dance around the street wearing a Batman costume and going up to people saying 'I'm Batman'." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is seen dancing around in the streets of downtown Cincinnati while wearing a Batman costume. Sean then walks up to a couple and interrupts them)
Sean: (In his Michael Keaton Batman voice) I'm Batman.
(Sean leaves)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After this idiotic moment, we then get our second and third montages, with them collecting more and more money from winning all the while neglecting Anne-Marie's needs. You're a bad dog, Charlie A. Barkin. So, they just bribe her off with clothes. Boy, for an adorable little girl who's naïve, she can be pretty forgiving.
Carface: Morons! I'm surrounded by morons!
Sean: (Narrating) Also, we get a montage of Itchy draws up plans to build a new dog casino that's better than Carface's. Uh, you guys are forgetting an adorable little girl here.
Anne-Marie: I'm leaving! You said that we're gonna help the poor. You promised to find me parents! You didn't even look! All you do is gamble. It isn't right.
"That's right! You tell 'em, girl!" Sean cheered.
Charlie: Thank you. Thank you for helping me see the light. Squeaker, we're going out to help the poor.
Anne-Marie: Oh, Charlie.
(Anne-Marie kisses Charlie on his nose as Charlie gags and makes a disgusted look)
"You stupid little bitch." Sean said as he pours himself a glass of Arnold Palmer iced tea.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Carface's hideout, Carface learns that Charlie is still alive and that he has Anne-Marie. So, he decides to kill Killer for his failure by dumping him in a water filled with piranhas.
"Couldn't you just take him out on a boat and go fishing then shoot him in the back of the head?" Sean asked.
Killer: Boss, pull me up, please! I got…I got…I got…I got a gun!
Carface: Gun? Whaddya mean a gun? What kind of gun?
"Huh?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow. "What kind of gun does Killer have?"
Killer: A Flash Gordon thermal atomic ray gun, boss.
Carface: A ray gun.
(Carface laughs, his face morphs into the Devil)
Sean looks on at the camera as his mouth dropped in shock from seeing Carface's face morphing into the Devil. "What the hell was Don Bluth thinking? Did he have to turn Carface into the Devil? Really? Do you think that was really necessary? You don't think we could tell that he was evil? We knew this since the beginning of the freaking movie! Look at him! He's a bulldog, hell most bulldogs look menacing and he has that Mafioso-type voice and ways of killing someone like someone in the mob does to other people. He tried to kill off our main character. That's just pointless. We already had a set-up to a truly evil character. What? Do you see The Phantasm growing devil horns after killing a mobster? No. Let's move on."
Sean: (Narrating) After we see Carface the Devil, we then cut to a church where Charlie and Anne-Marie visit a family of adorable poor puppies and Charlie's old girlfriend Flo, she's voiced by Loni Anderson, Burt Reynolds' ex-wife.
Flo (Voiced by Loni Anderson): Hello, Charlie.
Charlie: Hello, Flo.
Flo: It's nice of you to come by. We don't see much of you anymore.
Charlie: Well, you know how it is. I mean, you know, I've got a business to run.
Flo: (Giggles) Yeah. I know how it is.
"You know, Loni. Marrying you is a pretty dumb move for me. I should've married Sally Field instead of you. She was the one that got away and a lot of people ship us together. But no, I'm stuck with 'ya. Cocksucking bitch." Sean said, imitating Burt Reynolds.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie gives the last piece of pizza to an adorable fat puppy and the rest of the other puppies end up fighting over it. And then we get a little lesson on sharing from Charlie.
Charlie: Alright, it's only a pizza, fellas.
(The puppy with the pizza starts growling)
Charlie: C'mon! You mind sharing? Now, now, c'mon, don't fight! Alright, I'm gonna – I'm gonna tell you something about sharing.
"Now whatever you do, please don't start singing…." Sean said.
Charlie: (Sings) What's mine is yours….
"You son of a bitch." Sean said.
Charlie: (Sings) Whether you're the boss
Or someone's pet
The more you give
The more you're gonna get!
As the song continues with the puppies singing and Charlie singing, Sean pours himself some Arnold Palmer iced tea in a glass, then grabs a bottle of Stolichnaya vodka and pours some into the glass, mixing it with the tea. He then sits the bottle of Russian vodka down on his desk and picks up the glass of tea then starts drinking it.
"Oh, God. Burt Reynolds is going to turn me into a fucking alcoholic if I keep hearing him sing one more time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that musical number, Anne-Marie finds the wallet from the young couple that Charlie stole from…
Anne-Marie: You stole it.
Charlie: I was going to give it back.
Anne-Marie: You stole it.
Sean: (Narrating) She gets upset with Charlie, and then we get another song, this time this song is performed by Lana Beeson, who provided the singing voice of Anne-Marie, because actress Judith Barsi could not sing the song without breaking down. This song is called Soon You'll Come Home and I have to say that it's a peaceful and lovely song.
Anne-Marie: (Sings) All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be if we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you write to me and you promise in your letter that you'll come home
We then see Sean removing his glasses from off of his face and grabs a tissue, wiping a tear from off of his face from crying, then looks at the camera. "What the fu…are you filming me crying? Get out! Get the camera off of me! I don't want the whole world to see. Jesus!"
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, with Charlie. We see him having a peaceful slumber and then we hear the voice of Annabelle and her warning.
Annabelle: Charlie. You can never come back. You can never come…
(Explosion)
"Wait, what?" Sean asked.
(We see that Charlie is having a nightmare about Hell and we cut to Sean looking shocked. Charlie lands on a gondola in a lake of fire with a skeleton gondolier. We then see a Devil Dog also known as Satan with a beard emerging from the lake of fire and little demon dogs. We cut to Sean looking more and more shocked as the nightmare continues. The nightmare ends, showing the puppies trying to wake Charlie up)
Puppy #1: Charlie. Charlie, wake up.
Puppy #2: Charlie, wake up.
(Charlie wakes up. He is shown hanging for dear life on a broom, then falls to the floor)
"What the hell was that?!" Sean asked, picking up the remote and rewinds the footage and watches it from the beginning of the sequence. "Did we just see Charlie having a nightmare about Hell in a kid's movie? My God, they did! Don Bluth, are you out of your mind?! I find Satan the Devil Dog much creepier than the Black Pegasus from Anastasia. Hell, Dirk the Daring from Dragon's Lair would chicken out and the Great Owl from The Secret of Nimh would just be a pussy. Great work with the nightmare fuel, Don Bluth."
Sean: (V/O) A family picture!
Sean: (Narrating) After having a nightmare about going to Hell, Charlie wakes up only to find Anne-Marie gone.
Charlie: Where is that kid?
Puppy #3: She went to 402 Maple Street. To see the Wallet Family.
"Right. She went to see the…I'm sorry, what was that?" Sean asked.
Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.
"The Wallop Family?" Sean asked.
Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.
"The Waller Family?" Sean asked.
Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.
"The Whadityoudiwa Family?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Shameless plays)
Mickey Milkovich (Played by Noel Fisher): Speak fucking English!
"I'm sorry, Mickey! I couldn't understand what that little bitch was saying!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the puppy version of Banjo the Woodpile Cat said the Wallet Family. And we see that Anne-Marie returned their wallet and these two have to be the most polite people in the universe and they welcome her into their home and serve her waffles.
Kate (Voiced by Earleen Carey) Where do you live?
Anne-Marie: I live with Charlie. He's my dog.
Kate: But what about your parents?
Anne-Marie: I don't have any parents.
Harold (Voiced by Rob Fuller): Then where do you stay?
Anne-Marie: With Charlie in the junkyard.
"Won't you two just adopt this poor little girl? She has nowhere to go and she lives with a dog that lies to her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie arrives at the house and then tricks Anne-Marie into leaving with him with more guilt trips. How stupid could this little girl be? Charlie and Anne-Marie were having a lovely stroll down the street and Carface prepares to whack him with….
(We see Killer and Carface in a motorcycle on top of a dog, with Killer holding a Tommy Gun, taking aim at Charlie)
Sean: (V/O) What the hell?!
"Wait, wait, wait! That's the ray gun he's talking about? Looks more like a Thompson sub-machine gun. Look, here's the difference between a machine gun and a ray gun." Sean said as he pulls out a ray gun. "A ray gun vaporizes people."
Sean sits the ray gun down on his desk, then pulls out an uzi.
"This is a machine gun that has real bullets that can easily kill a person by putting holes in 'em." Sean said as he accidentally pulls the trigger on the uzi, causing the gun to go off, with the young critic shooting wildly in his office with Dave the cameraman ducking for cover. Sean throws the gun down and imitates Sgt. Schultz from Hogan's Heroes before running out of his office. "I know nothing! I see nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!"
(Killer shoots Charlie, in a parody of the SNL short Dear Sister with the song Whatcha' Say by Jason Derulo starts playing)
"What? Like anyone's going to do a Dear Sister-joke in 2018. Don't judge me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie is unharmed, thanks to the watch that he's wearing, and him and Anne-Marie make their escape while Carface is riding the dog while Killer auditions for a role as an Imperial Stormtrooper in Star Wars.
Carface: MORONS! I'M SURROUNDED BY MORONS!
"Hey, that includes you too in the sequel." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Anne-Marie hide out in an abandoned building, but the floor breaks and they end up getting captured by a bunch of tribal sewer rats, which leads to this.
Anne-Marie: (Sees something moving in the water) Charlie, what's that moving in the water?
Charlie: I don't know.
(A giant alligator is revealed)
Charlie: Squeaker, we're gonna die.
"Oh, boy. This is going to turn into a scene from the movie Alligator. This must be Don Bluth's version of Ramon the alligator." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This giant flamboyant gator is named King Gator, he's voiced by Ken Page. Who you might recognize him from this little movie.
(A clip from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas plays)
Oogie Boogie (Voiced by Ken Page): Well, well, well, what have we have here? Sandy Claws huh? Oh, I'm really scared.
"Oh yeah, he's the Boogie Man." Sean sings.
Sean: (Narrating) King Gator tries to eat Charlie, but then he howls in the flamboyant gator's mouth and he's is impressed by Charlie's howl and says that he can't eat such a talent.
"Remember in the Nostalgia Chick's review of the movie where she was talking about this scene? Yeah, this spawned the Big Lipped Alligator Moment. And what's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Well, it's a trope so random. And it comes right out of nowhere, has little/no bearing on plot, is tonally dissonant from the rest of the film and after it is over, no one ever speaks of it again. And I have to be honest with you, it is a weird scene because he just shows up and the only purpose of this scene is for Anne-Marie to get sick. Oh, and don't worry, we'll see King Gator again later on in the climax of the film. Oh, and then we get another song." Sean said before cutting to the song.
King Gator (Voiced by Ken Page): (Sings) Let's make music together
Let's make sweet harmony
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to Itchy at the casino doing some cleaning until he ends up getting cornered by Carface and his goons and he questions him about the wherabouts of Anne-Marie. Meanwhile, back at the church, Anne-Marie falls ill with pneumonia and she's to the point where she could die and that she needs to see a doctor. Itchy returns after getting fucked up by Carface and his thugs and they destroy Charlie's casino. And after hearing Itchy say that he's gone soft, Charlie lies about caring for the girl.
Charlie: Look I don't care about the girl! I tell her things now and then. I pretend to be her best friend but it's baloney.
Itchy: I thought I was your best friend.
Charlie: You are my best friend! With her it's just business. It's always been business. I'm using the girl. And when we're done with her we'll dump her in an orphanage. Is that okay with you?!
Sean: (Narrating) And Anne-Marie overhears this. Geez, what a dick.
Anne-Marie: (Cries) You're not my friend. You're a bad dog!
"Now, I have another reason to strictly be a cat owner." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anne-Marie runs away, with Charlie going after her until she ends up getting captured by Carface. Flo sends Itchy to get help from Harold and Kate and a bunch of other dogs in the city. Charlie tracks Anne-Marie at Carface's casino, but gets ambushed by Carface and his thugs in an intense scene.
(We see Charlie fighting some of Carface's thugs. Two of Carface's thugs tie Charlie up to an anchor while one of the thugs bite Charlie, causing Charlie to howl in pain and summons King Gator)
Sean: (Narrating) As Carface prepares to kill Charlie, King Gator arrives to save Charlie. Things really get intense when Charlie fights Carface and tries to save Anne-Marie. And to top it all off, an oil fire is started when oil pours from out of the oil drum and onto a generator, setting the water on fire. Charlie takes off his watch and tries to jump in to save Anne-Marie, but Carface gets the jump on Charlie, making him drop his watch into the water. King Gator rams into the ship and Carface falls into the water. And you know what that means.
King Gator: (After seeing Carface in the water) Mmm, delicious.
(Carface screams as he swims away while King Gator chases him off)
"Mmm, dinner is served." Sean said, imitating King Gator.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie jumps in to grabs his watch, then sees Anne-Marie fall into the water along with his watch. He chooses to save Anne-Marie and pushes her to safety onto some wood, then he dives underwater to retrieve it, but it was too late. His watch stops ticking before he can get to it.
(We see that Charlie's watch stops ticking, killing him)
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Harold and Kate, the wallet couple have adopted Anne-Marie, and Anne-Marie has also adopted Itchy. Charlie returns in spirit from Hell to apologize to her. Then Annabelle appears and tells him that since he gave his life for her, he's permitted back into Heaven. Anne-Marie wakes up and her and Charlie reconcile and asks her to take care of Itchy in this touching scene that would bring a tear to someone's eyes.
Anne-Marie: Charlie, will I ever see you again?
Charlie: Sure. Sure you will, kid. You know goodbyes aren't forever.
Anne-Marie: Then, goodbye Charlie. I love you.
Charlie: Yeah, I love you too.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Anne-Marie say their goodbyes and he goes to his new home in Heaven. And the film ends with some heavenly music.
Charlie: (Voiceover) Hold it, hold it!
(The heavenly music stops)
Charlie: (Voiceover) I know we're dead up here but so is the music. C'mon, beat it up a little.
Singer: Honey, you know it!
(The song Hallelujah performed by Candy Devine starts)
Charlie: (Voiceover) Nice. That's nice.
"And that was All Dogs Go to Heaven, and after twenty-nine years…" Sean said before being interrupted by Carface.
(We see an angry Carface arriving in Heaven)
Carface: I'll get that gator if it's the last thing I do!
(Carface grabs the clock as Annabelle appears)
Annabelle: Touch that clock and you can never come back.
Carface: (Winding the clock) Shut up.
Annabelle: (Chasing Carface) I SAID TOUCH THAT CLOCK AND YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK!
Charlie: (Breaks the fourth wall) He'll be back.
"Yeah. He'll come back with the voice of Ernest Borgnine in the sequel since Vic Tayback died in 1990." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we end with two songs. Hallelujah performed by Candy Devine and the song that was dedicated to Judith Barsi, Love Survives performed by Irene Cara and Freddie Jackson. It's a pretty good song and I love it. Give it a listen.
"And that was All Dogs Go to Heaven and after twenty-nine years, I love it. The film saw moderate reviews mostly because the movie was released the same year as The Little Mermaid. Gene Siskel gave the movie a thumbs down and Roger Ebert gave the movie a thumbs up. Hell, Leonard Maltin was harsh to the film. Where's Carface when you need him with that Tommy gun so he can go after Maltin to change his mind? The bastard was harsh to Gremlins. Don't worry, his time will come in Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Even though the movie didn't do well in the box-office, it gained a cult following when it was released on video. I consider this movie to be my Secret of Nimh. Anyway, back to the film. The good things about this movie was Don Bluth's animation, the songs were memorable and the voice cast is excellent and memorable like Burt Reynolds as the con artist Charlie, Dom DeLuise as the paranoid yet hilarious Itchy, Judith Barsi as the adorable and naïve Anne-Marie and Vic Tayback as the sinister and sadistic Carface. I've also liked the emotional plot to it and I just love the fact that this is a Don Bluth movie that could talk about Heaven and Hell, that's something never done before in a kid's film. If you want your children to deal with some scary parts and references to death. After the release of the original, a sequel was released seven years later. And don't worry, I'll review that one soon. There was also a television series and a Christmas television movie based on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. In conclusion, this is the last great Don Bluth film in the 80s and he went out with a bang. Until he made a comeback with Anastasia back in 1997. That's why I'm going to give All Dogs Go to Heaven four halos out of five. That's is all for this review, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time.
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of All Dogs Go to Heaven. I hope that you all like this and some of it's funny moments. Next time, I'm going to be reviewing either the 1987 motion picture epic Masters of the Universe starring Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella, the Disney Channel Original Movie Adventures in Babysitting starring Sabrina Carpenter and Sofia Carson, a new segment I like to call Sean's Story Ark where I review the first episode of the show I might review Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers the five-part episode Rescue Rangers to the Rescue or Darkwing Duck the two-part episode Darkly Dawns the Duck, National Lampoon's Vacation or David Cronenberg's 1986 remake The Fly. Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review one of the shows or movies that I mentioned in the list, feel free to PM me and I'll get back with you. If you want to request a show or movie that you want me to review then feel free to message me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.