The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so back in my Zombies review, I made a typo where I said that Kramer was played by Michael Jacobs, I meant Michael Richards. I apologized on that one. I'll have to mention that on the Mayhem Critic Screw-Ups chapter. Anyway, it's update time. Since Mother's Day is coming up this month, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the top 11 TV moms of all time. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.
Episode Nineteen
The Top 11 TV Moms of All Time
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before bringing up today's topic. "Let's talk about mothers in television. Whether they make us laugh, whether they make us cry. Some can be strong-headed while others can be overbearing. These TV moms filled our homes with laughter and tears over the years. And since Mother's Day is coming up, I am going to be taking a look at some of the top 11 mothers in television. Why top 11? Because this is the mother of all countdowns. Here it is, the Top 11 TV Moms."
(A montage of TV moms is displayed on the screen as we hear Diana Ross' version of the song Tell Mama playing in the background)
Number 11: Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)
Lorelai Gilmore (Played by Lauren Graham): And then the rabbit says, "Well how about that schnitzel?". Well?
Rory Gilmore (Played by Alexis Bledel): Well, what? There's no punchline.
Lorelai Gilmore: That is the punchline.
Sean: (Narrating) Lorelai Gilmore is the mom we wish we had, with her endless pop culture references and her love of movie nights and repeats. She was our hero. She was the ultimate best friend for her daughter Rory.
Lorelai Gilmore: Was anyone hurt?
Rory Gilmore: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: And that's why the cops came and broke up the party?
Rory Gilmore: Yes.
Lorelai Gilmore: So not only did you go to cop-raided party but you started the raid?
Rory Gilmore: Yes.
Lorelai Gilmore: This fence is broken because of you. This crap is on the ground because of you.
Rory Gilmore: What's your point?
Lorelai Gilmore: (Sings) Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, my god!
Sean: (Narrating) She's young, she's hip and she gets it. Lorelai Gilmore is the perfect best friend for that mother-daughter relationship. Lorelai Gilmore…
Lorelai Gilmore: Does he have a motorcycle? Because if you're gonna throw your life away, he better have a motorcycle!
Number 10: Harriette Baines-Winslow (Family Matters)
Sean: (Narrating) First appearing in the TGIF sitcom Perfect Strangers, Harriette Winslow is very conservative and strong-willed. She's very supportive of her husband Carl and she's also motivated by the love of her children. A popular character in Perfect Strangers, Harriette Winslow made number 10 on the list.
Carl Winslow (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): You know, Harriette, when Edward was born, I held him in my arms and I promised myself that I would give him everything that he ever needed.
Harriette Winslow (Played by JoMarie Payton): And you have, Carl. He has all the essentials: food, shelter, Nintendo.
Number 9: Katie Otto (American Housewife)
Sean: (Narrating) This is a mother who's not afraid to tell it like it is and tackling the wealthy and pretentious people of Westport, Katie Otto is this generation's Roseanne Connor. Taking care of her three children and hanging out with her two best gal pals for brunch and being a loving wife to her husband Greg aside from doling out the snarky comments to some of the women in Westport. And speaking of parenting, she lays down the law on her children.
Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!
Oliver Otto (Played by Daniel DiMaggio): This is straight-up communism.
Katie Otto: You're right. It is communism, and I'm - - Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin? Pretty sure Stalin killed the most people. I'm Stalin!
Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): You put gas in the car and you don't have a job.
Katie Otto: What did she just say to me?
Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): Taylor, run!
Sean: (Narrating) This is one housewife you don't want to mess with. Ladies of Westport, watch out. Here comes Katie Otto on the number 9 spot.
Katie Otto: I'm eating this.
(She eats the cupcake)
Number 8: Peggy Bundy (Married with Children)
Peggy Bundy (Played by Katey Sagal): Oh honey, if it's good enough for the toilet it's good enough for you. How was your day?
Sean: (Narrating) A sexy housewife who wears stiletto heels and tight spandex and that red 'fro of hers, Peggy Bundy puts the fun in "dysfunctional". She's notorious for being lazy and her expensive tastes. Hell, she tried to be a caring mother to her children and being a loving wife to her husband Al.
"Well, more along the lines for not cooking for Al and insulting him at times or Al insulting Peggy." Sean said.
Peggy Bundy: Why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Look, Peg. I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.
Sean: (Narrating) Not to mention, she wants to have sex with Al all the time and he turns her down for sex. Like come on, man. At least, have sex with her. Katey Sagal is hot! I wouldn't turn that down. From smoking and eating bon-bons on the couch while looking good doing that, Peggy Bundy is one mother I'd like to fu…
(A clip from Bronson plays)
Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth!
"Yaaaah! Sorry." Sean said as he looked down at his desk.
Number 7: Murphy Brown (Murphy Brown)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Murphy Brown. I wanted to talk about her. America witnessed her becoming a mother when she became pregnant with her son Avery back in season four and we all tuned in for the birth in one of the most hilarious sitcom births of all time.
(A clip from the Murphy Brown season four episode Birth 101 is shown)
(Murphy is in labor and throttling Miles)
Murphy Brown (Played by Candice Bergen): (Screaming) You son of a bitch! You man! You did this to me! You and every other man! I'm taking you with me!
Sean: (Narrating) And then when season five premiered, Vice President Dan Quayle made his speech about Murphy Brown.
(A clip of Dan Quayle's speech is shown)
Dan Quayle: It doesn't help matters when prime time TV has Murphy Brown – a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid, professional woman – mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another 'lifestyle choice'.
"Hey, as a young man who grew up having a mother who raised him on her own, I take that as an offense. Hell, even Katy Hart from Girl Meets World would take that as an offense. All the single mothers out there would take that as an offense." Sean said. "And this is coming from an idiot who spelled "potato" wrong. What a dumbass."
Sean: (Narrating) And when the Dan Quayle episode aired, Murphy Brown let him have it. Murphy Brown was the perfect example of a single mother raising her child on her own. Dan Quayle's comments are still wrong. Families have diversity like all people and diversity is beautiful and Dan Quayle is joining in on the long line of idiots like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Donald Trump and Mike Pence. With her being a strong-willed and loving mother, Murphy Brown is a prime example of single motherhood and that is why she is number 7 on the list.
Murphy Brown: (Attempting to breast-feed her newborn son) I finally have a chest and the only man in my life doesn't know what to do with it!
Number 6: Victoria Grayson (Revenge)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, okay, okay. I know that she's not a good TV mom. But my god, where do I begin? Well, there's a lot of things to say about her, well she framed David Clarke and condemned his daughter Amanda (a.k.a. Emily) to a childhood filled with misery and pain. Everything she does is for the better of her children, even though if it means having your firstborn getting brutally beaten in a jailhouse fight. Not to mention, she tends to manipulate everyone who stood in her way and her plan, and they pay the ultimate price for that. Got to give props to Madeleine Stowe, she was awesome playing that character. I've seen her in films such as Stakeout, Bad Girls, Twelve Monkeys and the Kevin Costner film simply titled Revenge.
"That movie has no connection to the television show. Even though the character Madeleine Stowe plays dies. In both the film and the ABC show in it's final season." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With her being the manipulative, cold-hearted bitch of the Hamptons, Victoria Grayson is number six on the list.
Victoria Grayson (Played by Madeleine Stowe): I see a pretty girl with cheap shoes and limited social graces.
Number 5: Roseanne Conner (Roseanne)
Darlene Conner (Played by Sara Gilbert): You guys think we don't understand your corny little sex jokes.
Roseanne Conner (Played by Roseanne Barr): You are our corny little sex jokes.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, the domestic goddess who made her grand return on ABC is making the list. She's witty and relevant and is not afraid to tell it like it is. A working mother raising three kids and supporting her husband. Roseanne was one of the memorable TV moms who worked. She's no June Cleaver, she's your different kind of mother. And with the new season out and renewed for an eleventh season, which I'm excited for. She's loud, blunt, controlling and wears the pants in the family. We're going to see more of Roseanne Conner pretty soon. Welcome back, Roseanne.
Mary Conner (Played by Jayden Rey): But what if I can't sleep?
Roseanne Conner: Well then I'll tell you a bedtime story about two of my dear friends, applesauce and Benadryl.
Number 4: Claire Dunphy (Modern Family)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so there was a tie between Gloria Pritchett and Claire Dunphy. Well, Gloria might be the most likeable mom on Modern Family but then there's Claire Dunphy.
Haley Dunphy (Played by Sarah Hyland): Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something?
Claire Dunphy (Played by Julie Bowen): No honey she said you couldn't A-D-D because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.
Sean: (Narrating) Claire Dunphy once had a wild and rebellious lifestyle when she was a teenager. She's determined to not allow her kids to have the same lifestyle as her. She can be controlling and uptight. Hell, she can be even embarrassing at times.
Claire Dunphy: Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!
Sean: (Narrating) Just the amount of motherly crazy for her kids and the audience. Claire Dunphy comes in on the number 4 spot.
Claire Dunphy: Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?
Number 3: Jill Taylor (Home Improvement)
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that she is the mother of three boys in the Taylor household, she is the only woman in the Taylor household. Jill Taylor has to live with her husband Tim and put up with his shenanigans and dealing with his macho manliness.
Jill Taylor (Played by Patricia Richardson): Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
Tim Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
Jill Taylor: No, I'm saying it's your job.
Sean: (Narrating) And you know what baffles me, that every time she has to deal with her husband adding "more power" to things around the house and they tend to go haywire.
Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.
Sean: (Narrating) Or when he does something stupid to himself like having his head glued to the table, getting electrocuted, having a hammer frozen stuck on his tongue or shot in the foot with a nailgun.
"Jesus! It's a miracle that guy is still alive." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's just be glad that she resisted the urge to kill him. That's why Jill Taylor is on the number 3 spot.
Tim Taylor: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.
Jill Taylor: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.
Number 2: Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)
Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.
Sean: (Narrating) A caring and loving mother with a baby who sucks on a pacifier, an intelligent daughter, a son who's a hellraiser and a husband who's a buffoon. Marge Simpson takes time to take care of her family. Heck, dealing with Homer and Bart would make any mother go insane and pull her hair out. Luckily Marge managed to keep her sanity. I don't know how she does it.
"Maybe alcohol?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the season eight episode You Only Move Twice is shown. In the clip, it shows Marge drinking a glass of wine)
Sean: (Narrating) In showing how calm and collected and caring and willing to take care of her family. She deserves the number 2 spot in the countdown.
"And before we talk about the number 1 TV mom. Here's a few honorable mentions." Sean said.
Honorable Mentions
Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy)
Beverly Goldberg (The Goldbergs)
Topanga Lawrence-Matthews (Girl Meets World)
Carol Lambert (Step by Step)
Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
Marie Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
Morticia Addams (The Addams Family)
Carmela Soprano (The Sopranos)
June Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)
Marion Cunningham (Happy Days)
Carol Brady (The Brady Bunch)
Number 1:
"And the number 1 TV mom of all time is…" Sean said before revealing the character.
Alice Cooper (Riverdale)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, okay, okay. You didn't see that one coming. But what's there to say about Alice Cooper?
"Well, she has one daughter who got knocked up and engaged to a dead guy, her 3rd cousin. Ewww! A daughter who has a dark side. And to top it all off, she has a husband who's…." Sean said before noticing a red dot on his forehead. The red dot is coming from a sniper. Sean looked down at his desk, noticing his phone ringing to the theme of Batman: The Animated Series, picking it up and answering it. "Hello?"
"Spoil Riverdale and I'll blow your head off, sinner." A mysterious voice said.
Sean yelps and ends the call as he throws his phone away.
Sean: (Narrating) A steely perfectionist, this housewife/editor and co-owner of the town's local newspaper, this woman grew up on the south side of Riverdale and she was once a member of the Southside Serpents before crossing over to the Northside to live a happy life with her family. Although, she tends to be tough as nails and doesn't take any crap, she's a very protective parent to Betty and sometimes judgmental. But in season two, she shows her most vulnerable side when it comes to the death of her and FP's son Charles, one of Madchen Amick's best performances yet and to be honest with you, I cried from watching it. She's been through so much, growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and her son, but she's stronger for it. Alice Cooper is number 1 in the countdown and she is one mother that you do not want to mess with.
Alice Cooper (Played by Madchen Amick): Shove it, Hal.
"And that's all for the Top 11 TV Moms of All Time. If there's any that I didn't mention on the list, then feel free to comment. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and have a happy Mother's Day." Sean said before getting up and leaving.
Happy Mother's Day!
And that was the Top 11 TV Moms of All Time. I hope you all enjoyed the list. Well, I was going to review either the Sylvester Stallone movie Tango & Cash or the Wesley Snipes movie Passenger 57 or review Demolition Man, which stars Stallone and Snipes. But, I wanted to wait till the end of May to review the Vacation film series called The Summer of Vacation. Which should I do, review either Tango & Cash, Passenger 57 or Demolition Man or just take a little break from working on this and wait till the end of May to start on The Summer of Vacation: A Look at the Vacation Film Series? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Till next time, my fellow readers.