The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Originally, I was working on the review for Demolition Man, but I figure I might save that one for September or at the end of August because I want to focus on The Summer of Vacation where I take a look at the movies in the Vacation film series. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Brian are kicking off The Summer of Vacation with the 1983 classic National Lampoon's Vacation starring Chevy Chase. So here it is the start of The Summer of Vacation. Enjoy.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources. National Lampoon's Vacation is owned by Warner Bros.
The Summer of Vacation Part 1: National Lampoon's Vacation
Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting at his desk again but this time he's seen wearing a Hanna-Barbera hat with Fred and Barney from The Flintstones on it that he got from when he was a kid at Paramount's Kings Island. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's the end of May and the wait is over and you know what that means. I've created another silly celebration. Back in February, I started Lethal Weapon Month, since it's the end of May and I know that a lot of you will be going on vacation this summer, I call this one…"
Sean gets up from out of his seat and stands on his desk.
"THE SUMMER OF VACATION!" Sean said in a deep voice and almost falls off of his desk. "From May till August, I will be taking look at the films in the Vacation film series. And to kick off The Summer of Vacation, we're going to be taking a look at the original…"
Sean was getting ready to begin the review until he heard someone clearing their throat. Sean turns and sees his friend Brian standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and his eyebrow raised.
"What?" Sean asked.
"Seriously, dude?" Brian asked.
"What? What are you talking about?" Sean asked.
"Don't act like you don't know. We've planned this co-review of National Lampoon's Vacation after we finished reviewing The Fly II." Brian said.
"What? I said that you're going to co-review it with me. I haven't forgotten about it. What? You think that I was going to review this movie myself?" Sean asked.
"What am I Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog 2?" Brian asked.
"No! I was just…screw it. Get in here!" Sean said as Brian enters the room and sits in the chair next to Sean. "Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don't know who this is, this is my friend Brian."
"Hi, guys. I'm Brian and I'm here to assist Sean with this review and since you all know that this is the start of The Summer of Vacation, he's going to be taking a look at the films in the Vacation film series." Brian said.
(Clips from the Vacation film series is shown while Lindsey Buckingham's Holiday Road plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can you say about the hilarious Vacation film series? I love them… well, most of them… well, five of them….4 of them…all right three of them. But either way, these films show the hilarious disasters of going on vacation with your family.
Brian: (Narrating) I've seen only Vacation and Christmas Vacation. I haven't even seen European Vacation, Vegas Vacation, Christmas Vacation 2 and Vacation 2015.
"And to kick off The Summer of Vacation, we're going to be taking a look at the one that started it all." Sean said.
(A poster of Vacation 2015 is shown)
"No, this is before the Vacation reboot." Sean said.
(A poster of Ghostbuster 2016 is shown)
"Seriously? I'm talking about National Lampoon's Vacation!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title card for National Lampoon's Vacation is shown and clips from the film is played)
Sean: (Narrating) The film was based on a short story written by the late, great John Hughes called Vacation '58, which was published in National Lampoon's magazine, he showed us how crazy family vacations could get.
Brian: (Narrating) And boy was he right.
Sean: (Narrating) And this movie best represents it. National Lampoon's Vacation tells the tale of a man going through extreme lengths to take his family to a fun park by driving cross-country. What could go wrong?
"Let's find out. No popcorn, chips for me." Brian said, holding a bag of nachos.
"Well, popcorn with extra butter for me." Sean said, pulling out a big bucket of popcorn with extra butter. "This is National Lampoon's Vacation."
Brian: (Narrating) Our film opens with a series of postcards from different states.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most-catchy as hell theme song ever in movie history.
(The song Holiday Road, performed by Lindsey Buckingham, plays throughout the opening credits)
Brian: (Narrating) Catchy is right. We then see we have an interesting cast of characters. You got Chevy Chase from Saturday Night Live and Foul Play, Beverly D'Angelo from American History X, Randy Quaid from Independence Day and LBJ: The Early Years, Anthony Michael Hall from Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Edward Scissorhands, The Breakfast Club and The Dark Knight, John Candy from Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, Home Alone and Uncle Buck, Imogene Coca from Your Show of Shows and model Christie Brinkley.
Sean: (Narrating) The film was written by John Hughes and you guys see the John Hughes connection here with Anthony Michael Hall and John Candy. And the film was directed by the late Harold Ramis, who wrote the screenplay for National Lampoon's Animal House.
"And boy, does he have an extensive movie career. I can name a few of his films: Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II, Stripes, Groundhog Day, Analyze This, Analyze That, Meatballs, Heavy Metal, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Back to School, Armed and Dangerous, Club Paradise, Baby Boom, Stealing Home, Rover Dangerfield, Stuart Saves His Family, Multiplicity, The Ice Harvest and Year One." Sean said.
"Okay, dude. We get it." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, our tale begins in Chicago, where we meet the main character Clark W. Griswold, played by Chevy Chase, and his son Rusty, played by a young Anthony Michael Hall.
Sean: (Narrating) We see them going to a car dealership to pick up his new car that he ordered for the trip that he's going with his family but then he gets screwed by the car salesman, played by Eugene Levy.
Ed (Played by Eugene Levy): (Shows Clark the new car) Well, there she is.
(The car is revealed to be an ugly, out-sized station wagon)
Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Where?
Ed: Right here. The wagon.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. The world's must ugliest station wagon." Sean said.
Rusty Griswold (Played by Anthony Michael Hall): Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark Griswold: Take it easy, Rusty.
"See? That's one thing I don't trust about car salesmen. They tend to screw you over and George Costanza made an excellent point." Brian said.
(A clip from the Seinfeld episode The Dealership plays)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you're on your back like a turnip./I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's no laws in this place. Anything goes! It's Thunderdome!
"Well, at least he's going to be getting his old car back." Sean said.
"Well, about that." Brian said.
(We see Clark's old car getting crushed)
"Well, shit." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) With his old car destroyed and getting screwed by the car dealer, Clark takes his ugly new car home with him and his wife Ellen, played by Beverly D'Angelo and his daughter Audrey, played by Dana Barron are not happy about the car.
Audrey Griswold (Played by Dana Barron): Are you serious? Is this really our car, dad?
Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): What happened? I thought we were getting the little sports thing.
Clark Griswold: Oh, no. The Sportswagon's much too small. Besides, I got a great deal on this one.
"Great deal? Buddy, just tell your wife that you got screwed. That's how car salesmen works." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark plans to spend more time with his family by driving the family cross-country. Ellen wants to fly but Clark insists on driving so he can bond with his family.
Ellen Griswold: It's an awfully long ride, Clark.
Clark Griswold: I'm looking forward to an awfully long ride. You get to see the kids all the time. I see them two minutes in the morning, two minutes in the evening, maybe three hours on the weekend. Sheesh! You know, one of these days I'm gonna get up and realize that my little babies are all grown up and then what?
"Don't worry, Clark. Your little babies will be grown up and down in the span of four movies. Mind you, Anthony Michael Hall was 14 years old and Dana Barron was 16 at the time they filmed this movie. In European Vacation, Jason Lively was 16 and Dana Hill was 20 at the time they filmed that movie. In Christmas Vacation, Juliette Lewis was around 15 years old and Johnny Galecki was 13 years old when they filmed that movie. In Vegas Vacation, Ethan Embry was 18 years old at the time of filming and Marisol Nichols was 23 years old at the time of filming. Just a quick recap." Sean said.
National Lampoon's Vacation
Anthony Michael Hall: 14 years old (Teenager)
Dana Barron: 16 years old (Teenager)
National Lampoon's European Vacation
Jason Lively: 16 years old (Teenager)
Dana Hill: 20 years old (Adult)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Juliette Lewis: 15 years old (Teenager)
Johnny Galecki: 13 years old (Teenager)
Vegas Vacation
Ethan Embry: 18 years old (Adult)
Marisol Nichols: 23 years old (Adult)
"Let's not forget Ed Helms and Leslie Mann in Vacation." Brian said.
"Oh, they're clearly adults. Ed Helms was 40 at the time and Leslie Mann was 42 at the time." Sean said. "And remember in the Nostalgia Critic's review of Fivel Goes West that the National Lampoon's Vacation kids go through the altering growth spurt? Yeah, The Griswold kids go through that altering growth spurt."
"A lot of reasons for the casting changes, the schedule and so on." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) We see that Clark is planning on taking his family to Walley World, America's Favorite Fun Park and we see how he's planning the trip from Chicago to California. And so their adventure begins but first how about some driving music.
(We see Clark and Ellen singing Mockingbird by Carly Simon and James Taylor in the car)
"Uh, can we sing something else? How about the Walley World National Anthem?" Sean asked.
(The Griswolds start singing the Walley World National Anthem)
"What's that spell?" Sean asked.
"Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose." Sean and Brian both said.
"That's me!" Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.
Sean: (Narrating) During the trip, we see that Clark is stopping for gas and he's having a hell of a time looking for the gas tank on the car. And the gas tank is on the front of the car. Weird place to put it at. And their first stop is in St. Louis, Missouri and they end up taking a wrong turn as they find themselves in the ghetto.
Ellen Griswold: Clark? What are you doing?
Clark Griswold: Just relax, Ellen.
Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous! We have no business being in an area like this.
"Yeah. What do you expect? A bunch of black people welcoming four white folks in the ghetto. Yeah, like that's going to happen. It's like me going to Russia and a bunch of Russians welcome me to Russia and I'm the only black guy here." Sean said.
"Yeah, or say me going to Germany." Brian said.
Clark Griswold: Kids, are you noticing all this plight? This will just make us appreciate what we have.
(A gunshot is heard and someone screams)
Clark Griswold: Roll them up!
"Dude, make sure you know where you're going." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Getting sick and tired of getting lost in the ghetto and almost shot at, Clark decides to ask a pimp for some directions. Like that's a good idea.
Clark Griswold: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp (Played by the late Christopher Jackson): Fuck yo mama!
Clark Griswold: Thank you very much.
"Whoa, language! This is a PG-rated film, there's no need for that type of foul language for a family movie." Sean said.
"No PG-13 rating back then. This one is rated R." Brian said.
"Oh, yeah. The edited line I was thinking of was this." Sean said.
(The edited TV version of National Lampoon's Vacation is shown)
Clark Griswold: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"?
Clark Griswold: Thank you very much.
Sean: (Narrating) After asking a pimp for directions, Clark asks a couple of guys for some directions and end up having their car vandalized and having their car tagged. Then, Clark, being a horndog, decides to get a little vehicular fellatio from Ellen. Uh, what?
(Ellen puts her head in Clark's lap, but her head gets stuck underneath the steering wheel. The words "Not For Kids!" flash in red on the screen)
Ellen Griswold: Clark? My head's stuck. Clark, quit kidding around.
"See? Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm was right! Getting a blowjob in the car while driving can be very dangerous." Sean said.
"Ah, Clark. The well intentioned idiot." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) And speaking of pure stupidity, Clark ends up falling asleep at the wheel.
(Clark falls asleep while driving the car)
"Okay, this is like a clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest Drivers." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (V/O as Chip Bolcik) In St. Louis, Missouri, a man from Chicago is taking his family on a road trip. But then he ends up falling asleep at the wheel.
Brian: (Imitating Bryan Callen) Uh, buddy. Wake up.
(Clark is driving uncontrollably, almost hitting a man and almost hitting a car. We see the car driving on the curb of the sidewalk, then through the yard of a couple of houses)
Sean: (Imitating John Enos) Wake the fuck up, you stupid dumb son of a bitch!
Ellen Griswold: (While asleep) Sparky, why don't you turn off the TV and come back to bed.
Clark Griswold: (While asleep) Okay, honey.
(Clark wakes up and screams)
Brian: (Imitating Billy Kimble) I've heard of sleep walking and sleep eating, but never sleep driving.
Sean: (V/O as Chip Bolcik) The man and his family are safe and we learn a valuable lesson, never fall asleep behind the wheel. Stay safe out there, drivers.
Clark Griswold: Well, up and at 'em. We're here.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family stay at a motel and we see…
(Sees Ellen taking a shower, her breasts are censored with smiley faces)
"HELLOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both said, imitating Yakko and Wakko from Animaniacs.
"But yeah, give me hotels over motels, though." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting a shot of Beverly D'Angelos' breasts in two scenes and Clark imitating Norman Bates from Psycho with a banana. Clark and Ellen decide to have a little private time together on a vibrating bed. But the bed is no good, so the floor would be just right, until the kids walk in on them.
Audrey Griswold: What's that noise?
Rusty Griswold: What's going on?
(Clark pops out from underneath the covers, holding Ellen's panties with his index finger)
Clark Griswold: Hey, don't you kids knock anymore?
(Ellen yanks her panties off of Clark's finger)
"You see, that's the problem with parents, they never tend to lock the door." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark and his family arrive in Dodge City, Kansas where they come across an Old West tourist attraction and later during the drive to Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine, Clark becomes tantalized with…
(The Girl in the Ferrari appears next to Clark and Clark notices her)
(A clip from Animaniacs plays)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell) Hellooooooo Nurse!
Brian: (Narrating) The smoking hot blonde in the red Ferrari is played by stunning supermodel and Billy Joel's ex-wife Christie Brinkley.
"Man, she was smoking hot at age 28 when they filmed this movie. And look at her now at age 64, she's still smoking hot! Plus, her daughters Alexa Ray Joel and Sailor Brinkley Cook got their mother's looks, even though Alexa looks a bit like her father but she's still smoking hot. Last year, Christie Brinkley did a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photoshoot at age 63. Wait, where was I again? Oh, yeah. If you're not familiar with Christie Brinkley, she did those Total Gym commercials with the bearded God himself…. CHUCK NORRIS!" Sean exclaimed.
(A picture of Chuck Norris appears with fireworks and the American flag in the background, accompanied by organ music)
Sean: (V/O in a high-pitched voice yells) A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIS!
"I hope the Nostalgia Critic doesn't mind me borrowing his Chuck Norris gag." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting smitten with Billy Joel's ex-wife, Clark and his family arrive in Coolidge, Kansas, where we are introduced to Ellen's cousin Catherine, played by Miriam Flynn.
"Who you might recognize her in the 1988 comedy-drama For Keeps?, the voice of Jean Tazmanian Devil from the animated series Taz-Mania, Gandra Dee in DuckTales, Bunny Packard in National Lampoon's Class Reunion and for those of you who watch Liv & Maddie and are fans of the show, she played Mrs. Snodgrass." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Catherine's wacky husband Eddie, played by Randy Quaid and their children. And you might recognize Cousin Vicki, she's played by a young Jane Krakowski. Who you might recognize her as Elaine Vassal in Ally McBeal and Jacqueline White in the Netflix show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Oh, and she played Miss Shields in A Christmas Story Live!.
Cousin Vicki (Played by Jane Krakowski): I'm going steady. And I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but daddy says I'm the best at it.
"Oh, yuck!" Sean yelled.
"What the fuck?! Ewww!" Brian yelled while Sean makes gagging noises.
"That is so disgusting!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from Rick and Morty is shown)
Morty Smith (Voiced by Justin Roiland): Oh…oh gross… GROSS!
Sean: (Narrating) Also, Rusty learns some new things from Cousin Dale, played by John P. Navin Jr., and he teaches him how to use a magazine.
Rusty Griswold: How do you use a magazine?
Cousin Dale (Played by John P. Navin Jr.): I was getting to that. See, a guy taught me something really neat last year. Have you ever bopped your bologna?
(Rusty makes a confused look and shrugged his shoulders before looking at the pornographic magazine)
"He's talking about masturbation, people!" Sean said, imitating Chuck Nice from World's Dumbest Outlaws.
"Ah, wondered what he's talking about." Brian said, sipping his beer.
Brian: (Narrating) We then cut to Eddie cooking burgers on the grill…
Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It's just fine by itself. I like it better than Tuna Helper, don't you, Clark?
"Hamburger Helper? He's cooking Hamburger Helper on the grill? I would rather have regular hamburger cooked on the grill." Sean said.
"Same here." Brian said. "I'd take a real burger rather than Hamburger Helper."
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the best character of the movie, Aunt Edna. Played brilliantly by the late Imogene Coca.
Ellen Griswold: Aunt Edna. After all these years and you're looking so good.
(Ellen prepares to hug her Aunt Edna. Aunt Edna hands Ellen her walker and walks over to the table)
"Fun fact, Imogene Coca didn't like playing a mean character in a movie, she's a nice person." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark and his family get an additional passenger to join them on the trip and it's Aunt Edna and her dog Dinky, a vicious dog that watches Family Feud and they're driving them to Phoenix. So, after visiting Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine, Eddie gives Clark a gift, which is shoes. And for Audrey, she gets rolled-up joints from Cousin Vicki.
"God, do we need to start playing drug PSA's right now?" Brian asked.
"Could be worse. She could've given her Jingle Jangle." Sean said.
(A Netflix promo for the second season of Riverdale plays)
(Veronica picks up a plate with a burger and fries on it)
Veronica Lodge (Played by Camila Mendes): This is your brain.
(Veronica then picks up a cast-iron skillet)
Veronica Lodge: This is Jingle Jangle.
(Veronica sits the plate of food down)
Veronica Lodge: This is what happens to your brain after taking Jingle Jangle.
(Veronica slams the cast-iron skillet down on the plate of food)
"Hey, Camila Mendes could make a pretty good PSA announcer." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) And so, the Griswolds trip to Walley World continues with Aunt Edna and Dinky on board as well and the catchy Holiday Road song plays again.
"I don't care what you say, Holiday Road will live on. Screw the songs of today, give me Lindsey Buckingham any day." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) The Griswolds and Aunt Edna stop at a rest stop to take a break from their long journey ahead by having a nice picnic and enjoying some sandwiches while playing with a killer dog.
Ellen Griswold: Rusty, stop playing with the dog and come and have some lunch.
(We then see Dinky the dog attacking Rusty by biting him on his leg)
Sean: (V/O as Dinky) (Growls) I will kill you before John Hughes puts you in three of his films!
Sean: (Narrating) And while they're about to have lunch, Clark has another encounter with….
(Clark spots the Girl in the Red Ferrari)
(A sound bit from The Mask plays)
The Mask (Played by Jim Carrey) Ssssssssmokin'!
"Helllooooooooooo Christie Brinkley!" Sean and Brian both said.
(The Girl in the Red Ferrari start showing off her moves while Clark starts dancing while holding his bologna and cheese sandwich)
"Hey, Billy Joel. You won't mind if I flirt with your ex-wife with my bologna and cheese sandwich?" Sean asked, imitating Chevy Chase.
"Nothing can ruin this moment." Brian said.
(Clark takes a bite of his sandwich)
Ellen Griswold: Oh, God! The dog went on the picnic basket!
(Clark spits his sandwich out)
"Hey, I'd be pissed too if someone gave me a bologna and cheese sandwich." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and an audience boos at him. "What? What? What?"
"Dude, save the bad jokes for Danny Bonaduce." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) The Griswolds arrive at Kamp Komfort in South Fork, Colorado and we see that this run-down camp in the woods in run by Brian Doyle-Murray.
"In case you don't know, that's Bill Murray's brother and he's also the writer of the movie Caddyshack and he was also a writer for Saturday Night Live." Sean said.
"Don't forget he played Jack Ruby in Oliver Stone's JFK." Brian said. "And don't worry, we'll see Brian Doyle-Murray again as Clark's boss Frank Shirley in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."
"And thus, we have another John Hughes connection, Brian Doyle-Murray played the Reverend in the 1984 comedy Sixteen Candles, which also starred Anthony Michael Hall as The Geek." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds unpack and get settled in and Clark and Ellen have a nice romantic evening in the tent. Yeah, sex in a sleeping bag would be weird and not very romantic.
Ellen Griswold: I don't think there's enough room for two in this sleeping bag.
Clark Griswold: Oh, honey. Right now, we're one. One heart beating for two.
Ellen Griswold: (Smiles at Clark) Oh, Sparky.
(Clark kisses Ellen as Dinky growls and enters the tent and bites Clark while he's having sex with Ellen, interrupting them)
Clark Griswold: (Screams) Down! Go! I'm sorry, honey. It's Dinky. Get out! Ow! Silly mutt!
(Hits Dinky with his shoe and Dinky leaves)
Sean: (V/O as Dinky) Ow! You son of a bitch! When I come back I'm biting your dick off!
Clark Griswold: I'm gonna kill that dog.
Sean: (V/O as Dinky) I'm gonna murder you in your sleep before your shitty late night talk show airs ten years from now!
Brian: (Narrating) The next day Clark and his family head out on the road with no problems, until a cop pulls them over.
"Oh, crap. Audrey's got weed. Quick hide them in your hair or in Aunt Edna's hair." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Clark gets pulled over by a hard-as-nails macho motorcycle cop, played by James Keach. In case you don't know who he is, he's the younger brother of Stacy Keach, the guy who played the voice of Phantasm in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
The Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach, credited as Stacy Keach Jr.): Your angel of death awaits.
Clark Griswold: Hello, Officer. What seems to be the problem?
Motorcycle Cop (Played by James Keach): Get out of the car!
(Clark gets out of the car)
"Uh, what did he do?" Sean asked.
Motorcycle Cop: You know if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you could say, "police brutality."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, Banacek!" Brian exclaimed.
"Banacek was an insurance investigator." Sean said, correcting Brian.
"Oh. Well, what's another old cop show?" Brian asked.
"Baretta." Sean said.
"Okay." Brian said, clearing his throat. "Take it easy, Baretta!"
"Good, but that doesn't explains why the cop threatened him." Sean said.
(The cop shows Clark the leash tied to the bumper of his car)
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son of a bitch.
We cut to Sean and Brian, this time Sean is dressed as the Phantasm from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.
"Dinky, your angel of death awaits." Sean said. "That's right, I created my Phantasm costume."
Brian: (Narrating) But before the Motorcycle Cop charges Clark for animal cruelty, Clark starts whipping out a few tears like Ralphie from A Christmas Story and telling the cop that it was an accident, the cop starts crying after telling him that he had a dog once. You see, cops have a soft side.
Sean: (Narrating) The cop lets Clark go scott free and handing him Dinky's leash, which upsets Aunt Edna. Should've gotten a cat, you old bag. Well, there's nothing better than killing Cujo's psychotic brother than getting some good food.
Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!
"This is why I prefer cats over dogs." Brian said.
"Same here." Sean said as he is seen holding Riley. "Isn't that right, Riley?"
Riley the cat looked at Sean for a bit and meowed at him.
Brian: (Narrating) While exiting Colorado, Clark is busy driving on the road while his wife, kids and Aunt Edna are asleep. Well, it's a peaceful drive for now, I mean, it's not like a beautiful blonde in a 1983 Ferrari is going to drive next to him and tantalize the guy…
(The song Little Boy Sweet performed by June Pointer starts playing as the Girl in the Red Ferrari appears again. Clark notices her car and fixes up his hair)
"Helloooooooooo Nurse!" Sean and Brian both said at the same time.
(Clark gets tantalized by the blonde beauty and checks her out while Ellen is asleep. He then imagines himself sitting next to her in the car)
"Man, Clark is one lucky son of a bi…." Sean said.
(The sound of a truck horn is heard when a semi-truck appears and Clark drives off-road to get out of the truck's way, then back on the road, driving uncontrollably for a bit as Ellen wakes up)
Ellen Griswold: (Waking up) What happened? (She begins to notice Clark, seeing his hair is messed up and his face sweaty) What happened to your hair? You're sweating. Are you blushing?
Clark Griswold: Don't be silly.
Ellen Griswold: Are you all right, Clark?
Clark Griswold: Hell, yes! I'm fine! I'm having a ball!
"Are you sure about that? Because you are one lucky son of a bitch. Christie Brinkley tried to have you whacked." Brian said.
"Clark, here's a tip: keep your eyes on the road. Or drive behind a back of a truck and pull a prank on her by waking her up." Sean said. "Well, at least nothing bad is going to happen."
Ellen Griswold: Well, I guess there's not much more that can happen to us.
Clark Griswold: Yeah, I think the worst is behind us.
(Clark drives over something on the road, causing two of Ellen's bags to fall off)
"You had to say something, didn't you?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellen loses her vanity case, which contains her credit cards and Clark has taken numbering lessons from Buzz McCallister from Home Alone.
Clark Griswold: Honey, number one: I've already called the bank and told them you lost it. B: There's no way we're gonna find it when we don't know where it fell off. And three: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash.
(A clip from Home Alone is shown)
Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): And D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of America.
"Oh, God. I cannot believe that I referenced another John Hughes movie in a review." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Somewhere in Arizona, Clark gets lost and him and Ellen argue during a drive while going to the Grand Canyon. Dude, listen to your wife, you're lost. Google Maps haven't been invented yet.
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're gonna find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark Griswold: Jesus, it's only the biggest goddamn hole in the world!
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark Griswold: Make that the second biggest.
"And the third biggest hole in the world is Roseanne." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with everybody arguing with each other in the car, ah, don't you just love families getting along with each other on road trips? Clark drives through a road closed sign and…LOOK OUT!
(Clark and his family scream as he drives through a sign that says "Road Closed", then jumps a ramp and crashes the car)
"See, Clark was living the fast lane, but then there's death on the Don Lane." Sean said as the sound of crickets chirping is heard and Brian just looks at Sean with a confused look on his face.
"I….I don't get that joke." Brian said as Sean rolled his eyes. "Mind explaining that one?"
"It's a reference to World's Dumbest Daredevils. The clip with The Don Lane Show." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Everyone comes out of the car safely, but some people just don't learn when to shut up about Clark's driving skills, which means it's time for Aunt Edna to complain some more.
Aunt Edna: Ellen, get me out of here!
(Aunt Edna gets out of the car)
Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here!
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he, he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile. He should be behind bars!
"Oh, Christ! Can somebody please shut this old bitch up before I call the Phantasm? I have him on speed dial right away and he'll….I mean, she. She can deal with her." Sean picks up his cell phone.
"Uh, Sean. Hold on to that, I think Ellen will deal with her." Brian said.
"Well, she better hurry up because I'm about to call." Sean said.
Ellen Griswold: (Fed up) Sit down and shut up.
(Aunt Edna stays quiet and sits back down in her seat)
Ellen Griswold: Move out of that seat, and I'll split your lip.
"Thank you, Ellen Griswold." Sean said, then picks up his phone to talk to the Phantasm. "Hey, Andrea. Nope, nevermind. I'm calling off the hit. Yeah, Ellen Griswold just shut her up."
Sean: (Narrating) With the Griswolds stranded in the desert and the car wrecked, Clark figures that it would be a good time to bond with his son Rusty and give him a man to man talk. He even gets Rusty to drink his first beer.
"Ah, I remember having my first beer. I was only 19 at the time and I went camping with some friends. I never spent any time with my father, he was never in my life for years." Sean said. "But you know what the good thing about this father-son bonding moment, is that he never says to his son that he'll give him a goodnight rimjob. Unlike some guy who's going to be a father in the future?"
(A clip from the 2015 version of Vacation is shown)
Rusty Griswold (Played by Ed Helms): (To his son James) Hope you're not too old to let your dad give you a goodnight rimjob.
"Hang on, a what?" Brian asked.
"It's something dirty. I'm not going to explain what it is because this is a family-friendly review." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark goes on a long quest in search for help and a gas station by walking through the scorching hot desert and losing his mind on the way.
(The theme from Lawrence of Arabia is heard during a montage of Clark walking through the desert while looking for help)
Sean: (Narrating) After walking through the desert, Clark reunites with his family, who have been rescued and taken to a local mechanic to get their car fixed and before they could leave, the hillbilly mechanic, played by the late Mickey Jones from Home Improvement, extorts the rest of Clark's cash only to make the car operational. I mean, barely operational.
Clark Griswold: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, okay. So, how much is it?
Mechanic (Played by the late Mickey Jones): All of it, boy.
Clark Griswold: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
(The mechanic and his assistant start chuckling and the mechanic pulls out a wallet with a badge and laughs. We then see Clark driving the car with four bum wheels in it)
"What is this The Dukes of Hazard?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Fed-up and having little money left, Clark and his family stop at the Grand Canyon when Clark tries to convince a dickish hotel clerk, played by James Staley.
"Who you might recognize as Stuart Rosebrock's dad Wilson Rosebrock in the Craig T. Nelson sitcom Coach and he was also on the 1981 comedy Honky Tonk Freeway, which starred Beverly D'Angelo." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark tries to convince the hotel clerk to cash a personal check because his credit card was reported stolen after they couldn't accept it.
Clark Griswold: (Signs a check) I have $6.13 to my name so I can see we're going to have to work something out here between us.
Motel Desk Clerk (Played by James Staley): Look, I've already told you. I can't accept a check without a major credit card.
Clark Griswold: I'm making this out for $1,000. All you have to do is give me $300 in cash and you can keep $700 all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
Motel Desk Clerk: The only thing I can do is have you stay here until the check clears. Ten working days!
"Ugh, clerks!" Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After being fed up with the clerk, Clark takes money from the cash register behind the clerk's back and leaves the check. Boy, this vacation is turning into Word's Dumbest Drivers, Hillbilles, Daredevils and Criminals all in one.
Sean: (Narrating) During their drive, they find something very unusual with Aunt Edna.
"Unusual? I mean she's asleep. She's probably fine." Sean said.
Ellen Griswold: She's not fine.
Clark Griswold: She's fine. Don't be silly.
Ellen Griswold: She's not fine, Clark. She's dead!
(Clark quickly pulls over off-road as him and his family get out of the car)
Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
Rusty Griswold: Ugh, her hand touched me! She's stiff already! Ugh!
Sean's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped a bit as he picked up his phone to make a call.
"Uh, Ms. Beaumont, did you just kill Aunt Edna? I already called off the hit. Oh, you didn't? Okay, good. Alright, so you're still on for Saturday? Alright, me and Taylor will be there. See you later. Bye." Sean said, ending the call.
Brian: (Narrating) So after Aunt Edna passed away in her sleep, they tie the deceased onto the roof of the car and wrapped in a tarpaulin as they arrive in Phoenix. They reach Normie's house, only to find a note, discovering that he is out of town, so they drop her off with a note in the rain.
"Now wait a minute, they can't do that! That's the cruelest thing ever. Boy, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.
"They did." Brian said.
"Well, at least they gave the old bag a proper memorial service." Sean said.
Clark Griswold: Oh, God. Ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea admit this good and decent woman into thine arms and the flock in thine heavenly area up there.
(Ellen and Rusty look up at Clark)
Clark Griswold: And Moab he laidth down behind the land of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma…
Ellen Griswold: Clark!
Clark Griswold: I implore you, give her, give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark!
(Clark sings in a weird religious chant)
We then cut to Sean and Brian. We see a shocked expression on Sean's face from Clark talking about Aunt Edna.
"What the fuck?!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from The Sopranos plays)
Carmella Soprano (Played by Edie Falco): What's different between you and me is you're going to Hell when you die!
"He's weird." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellen gives a proper memorial service for her Aunt Edna, it's on their way to Walley World, but Ellen and the children had enough of this disastrous trip and they want to go home.
Audrey Griswold: I want to go home! I don't want to go to Walley World!
Ellen Griswold: Clark, under the circumstances, I wouldn't mind if we just went home. In retrospect, it seems like a bad idea driving out it's been one disaster after another!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, it's been a real drag, dad! Maybe we can try it some other time. Walley World's overrated anyway.
"Yeah, you should listen to them. This trip was a big disaster." Sean said.
(Clark stops the car)
Clark Griswold: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation! It's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm going to have fun and you're going to have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of your assholes! (Laughs) I got to be crazy. I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Rusty Griswold: Dad, do you want an aspirin or something?
(Clark sees Rusty's hand on his shoulder)
Clark Griswold: Don't touch!
"And if you touch me again, I'm going to kill you with my late-night talk show before Edward Scissorhands kills you or The Joker kidnaps you!" Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.
Brian: (Narrating) After his epic meltdown and his obsession with Walley World, the Griswolds stop at a motel to rest and Clark and Ellen have a fight about his idea of having a little family fun.
Clark Griswold: All I know is I'm trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's and drive us a thousand miles out of the way to see the world's largest ball of mud!
"Sounds like a fun trip with my family." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After having a fight with Ellen, Clark steps out and heads to a bar and tries to talk to some women, he has no luck until he eventually meets…
The Girl in the Red Ferrari (Played by Christie Brinkley): Waiting for someone?
"Helloooooooo Nurse!" Sean exclaimed. "Okay, that's my last reference to Animaniacs for this review. There won't be any more."
Brian: (Narrating) The Girl in the Red Ferrari meets Clark and the two of them start talking to each other and Clark tends to make an ass out of himself by unleashing a jetstream of bullshit coming out of his mouth.
The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Well, I thought you were going to say you worked for the CIA.
(Clark laughs)
Clark Griswold: That's an old bit, isn't it?
The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Really.
"Yeah, my drunk uncle in Detroit used that line to the cops by telling them that he worked for the CIA, which he doesn't." Sean said. "What a way to disgrace our country, dude. The guy joined the Navy and his big fat ass went AWOL. Look at him now, he's sitting at home getting drunk and telling everybody that he worked for the CIA."
"Classic Drunkle Tony." Brian said.
"Yep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Girl in the Red Ferrari is in the mood for some fun and Clark lies about not being married just so he could complete his quest for booty so…
(We see the Girl in the Red Ferrari stripping out of her clothes in front of Clark, throwing her bra and panties at him before jumping in the pool, naked)
The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Wow, this feels great!
"Helloooooooooo Nurse!" Brian exclaimed. "Okay, this is very last reference to Animaniacs on this review."
The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Well, are you gonna go for it?
"Dude, you got Christie Brinkley naked in the pool. You better go for it and have some hot sex with her. Your wife will never know." Sean said.
"Do it! Do it!" Brian said.
Clark Griswold: (After stripping out of his clothes) This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
(He jumps in the pool)
Clark Griswold: (Yells) It's cold! Jesus! Fuck!
(Clark shouts, we cut to Ellen, who's lying in bed reading a magazine while hearing her husband screaming outside)
Ellen Griswold: Clark?
"Clark, shut up! People can hear you! You do not want your wife Ellen to…" Sean said.
(Ellen sees Clark in the pool with the Girl in the Red Ferrari)
Ellen Griswold: Clark?
(Fergie's London Bridge plays. The "Oh, shit" part is heard)
Clark Griswold: Hi, honey!
"Oh, shit!" Sean and Brian both said.
Ellen Griswold: What are you doing?
Clark Griswold: Uh, swimming. Yeah, my back was, uh, killing me. And, uh. And I thought I'd get a hot swim and loosen up the muscles. Why go to the car and get the bathing suit? Jump right in. It's exhilarating. Guess what, honey? This person here was…here. I didn't see this person, so I uh…I screamed, that's why I yelled. I was so surprised. You can imagine, can't you honey?
"Would you believe that I was swimming with Madelaine Petsch or Camila Mendes?" Sean asked, imitating Clark.
Sean: (Narrating) Realizing that he hurt Ellen and made a fool of himself in front of his kids, Clark and the Girl in the Red Ferrari part ways until Vegas Vacation in 1997. Then, Clark heads back to his motel room, where Ellen is probably fifty shades of pissed off at him.
Ellen Griswold: Do you like that girl? Is that what you want?
Clark Griswold: Oh no, no, no, no. How could I like a girl like that? She's ugly.
"Hey, hey, hey! Christie Brinkley is not ugly. She's hot so you shut your mouth, Griswold." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark apologizes and Ellen forgives him, so the two decide to have fun by going skinny-dipping and….
(A topless Ellen jumps in the pool)
"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.
"Okay, this is the final, the very, very last Animaniacs reference for this review. I promise!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark and Ellen go skinny dipping in the pool, waking everybody up in the motel and embarrassing Rusty and Audrey. And then we cut to Los Angeles, California as the family finally arrive at Walley World, well a matte painting of Walley World. Since they're the first one's here they decide to race each other to the entrance.
(We see the Griswolds running in slow motion to the theme of Chariots of Fire playing)
"I'm sorry. I think I turned on Chariots of Fire by accident. Here, let me change it to National Lampoon's Vacation." Sean said, picking up the remote control and hits the power button as the screen goes to black.
"What just happened?" Brian asked.
"Oh, crap. I think I accidentally turned off the review." Sean said.
"You dumby! Turn the review back on!" Brian exclaimed.
"Alright, alright!" Sean said, picking up the remote control to turn the review back on. After the power comes back on, Sean turns around and sees something different about Brian. His head is replaced by the head of Marty Moose. "What the….Brian?"
"Yep, that's me!" Brian said with his voiced replaced by Marty Moose.
Brian: (Narrating) As they arrive at the front gate, their joy comes to a halt, only to find that the park is closed for the next two weeks for repairs.
"They drove all the way from Chicago to California. This long hectic trek to go to Walley World and it's closed? This long voyage was all for nothing!" Brian exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) This doesn't go well, for Clark as he goes insane and goes to a sporting goods store to buy a BB gun, holding the security guard Russ Laskey, played by the late John Candy at gunpoint.
"Okay, we got a connection here: Harold Ramis, John Candy, Eugene Levy and James Keach in the same movie. These four guys worked on the 1986 comedy Armed and Dangerous, which starred John Candy and Eugene Levy. James Keach was the producer and screenwriter for the movie and Harold Ramis was the screenwriter for the movie as well. Hey, at least this movie doesn't give us John Candy dressed in drag and Eugene Levy wearing ass-less chaps." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) With John Candy held at gunpoint, the Griswolds go on some rides with him joining in on the fun and they get to go on the fun roller coasters.
Russ Laskey (Played by the late John Candy): Rusty? May I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once before.
Rusty Griswold: What happened?
Russ Laskey: I threw up.
"You should see my mom at Kings Island. No, she didn't throw up on the rides. We went on The Beast and every time we go on it, she tends to close her eyes when we go down the hill." Sean said. "And quick question: who's operating the rides? Shouldn't somebody operate the rides while they're on it? Come on, Ramis. Explain it to me. Explain it to us."
Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family's fun comes to an end when an L.A.P.D. SWAT team arrives, armed to the teeth with shotguns and M16 machine guns. Jesus, they're like the GCPD SWAT team from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. While the LAPD arrest the Griswolds, the owner of Walley World, Roy Walley. Played by the late Eddie Bracken from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. And Clark explains to Mr. Walley about his trip.
Clark Griswold: We just spent two weeks of living hell driving out here. We lost a very dear member of this family on the way. But, the important thing, Roy, is that we could have gone anywhere this summer, you know?
Brian: (Narrating) Roy understands Clark's impassioned longing for the perfect family vacation, which brought back memories of his own family vacation troubles.
Sean: (Narrating) So, he decides not to press any charges on Clark and his family and let's his family and the SWAT team enjoy the park as his guests. And so our rousing tale ends with an end credits sequence showing the Griswolds on their travels across the U.S.A. and Lindsey Buckingham's Dancin' Across the U.S.A. plays.
"So that was National Lampoon's Vacation. We friggin' love that film." Sean said.
(Footage from National Lampoon's Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) One of the best Chevy Chase movies of all time and one of the greatest comedies of all-time and I honestly can't find anything wrong with it.
Brian: (Narrating) This film is one of the best films in the Vacation film series and it was a box-office hit, receiving positive reviews from critics and the film gained a cult following. Plus, this film is highly quotable, just like Home Alone, which was written by John Hughes.
Sean: (Narrating) The film spawned three sequels: European Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Vegas Vacation, and a reboot and a continuation of the Vacation film series simply known as Vacation back in 2015. Don't worry we'll get to that one. With a great cast, hilarious writing and some screwball comedy in the mix, if you haven't seen National Lampoon's Vacation, then go check it out. If you're a fan of Harold Ramis, John Hughes and Chevy Chase, then this is the movie for you. We're giving National Lampoon's Vacation 5 Family Trucksters out of 5.
"Well, that's it for this review. Tune in next time when The Summer of Vacation continues when we take a look at the second film in the Vacation film series European Vacation. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm Brian." Brian said.
"And we'll see you next time. But first before we go, let me just play this." Sean said, picking up his remote and plays Lindsey Buckingham's Holiday Road. "Remember, have a safe, family vacation this summer."
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose!
And that's the start of The Summer of Vacation, starting with National Lampoon's Vacation. I hope that you all enjoyed this hilarious review. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the next film in the Vacation film series, National Lampoon's European Vacation. Let's see if Europe is ready for the Griswolds. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.