The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, The Summer of Vacation continues when Sean and Brian kick off Christmas in July with one of the greatest and funniest Christmas movies of all time and the third entry in the Vacation film series, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Yule crack up from their hilarious review. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is owned by Warner Bros. and Hughes Entertainment.
The Summer of Vacation Part IV: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Sean a.k.a The Mayhem Critic is seen once again sitting in front of his desk. This time, he is seen wearing a Christmas sweater and a Santa hat, preparing to talk about today's topic.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's July and you know what that means? IT'S CHRISTMAS….IN JULY!" Sean jumps out of his desk chair in joy and starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year before breaking out into song.
Sean: (Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer
It's the most wonderful time of the year
Sean steps outside and realizes that it is 96 degrees outside and that he's wearing a sweater and jeans, then stops singing.
"Holy shit, it's hot outside!" Sean exclaimed as he enters his house to change into something else.
Five Minutes Later
Sean is seen once again at his desk, this time he's wearing his Star Wars Christmas t-shirt with Yoda on it and a pair of shorts and white Converse low tops. He is also wearing a Christmas baseball cap on his head with a mistletoe hanging on it.
"Sorry about that, my friends. I guess it's a big mistake of me wearing a sweater and jeans in 90 degree temperature." Sean chuckled. "Anyway, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Like I said, it's Christmas in July and we're still continuing…"
Sean picks up the remote to turn on the television, only to see that it's playing a Christmas movie and we see Sean, sitting in a sled and dressed as Santa Claus.
"THE SUMMER OF VACATION!" Sean said in a deep voice. "Merry Christmas in July!"
"Since it's Christmas in July and the Hallmark Channel's showing Christmas movies in July, we're continuing The Summer of Vacation with one of the best Christmas movies and my favorite in the Vacation film series, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and joining me to review this movie is my friend Brian." Sean said.
"Thanks for having me here, Sean. Hi guys." Brian said. "Let's talk about National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."
(Footage from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Released on December 1st, 1989, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the third installment in the Vacation film series. The film was written and produced by John Hughes. The screenplay was based on Hughes' short story in National Lampoon magazine simply titled Christmas '59.
Brian: (Narrating) The film stars Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki respectively and the movie features an all-star cast of characters like Diane Ladd, John Randolph, E.G. Marshall, Doris Roberts, William Hickey, Mae Questel, Miriam Flynn, Brian Doyle-Murray and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Sean: (Narrating) The film was directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik, who's known for directing this little gem of a movie called The Avengers.
(A poster for Marvel's The Avengers is shown with Alan Silvestri's music score playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Nope, not that one. That's the good Avengers. Maybe this clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie could refresh your memory.
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of The Avengers (1998) is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: (Narrating) So they go to a secret underground company called Wonderland Weather, where they…(cut to a board meeting with each person dressed in teddy bear costumes, each in different colors) the FUCK?!
August De Wynter (Played by Sean Connery): (Dressed in a black teddy bear costume) Welcome to Wonderland Weather, here in our London headquarters.
"What the fuck?!" Brian exclaimed.
"Don't ask. It's a dumb movie." Sean said. "But hey, Christmas Vacation is a better movie than The Avengers '98."
"Okay, so we've see the Griswolds driving through America to Walley World and they almost destroyed half of Europe." Brian said.
"Let's see if they play it safe by staying at home to have a good old-fashioned family Christmas. The keyword is "safe". Let's take a look at National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and see if yule crack up from a Griswold Christmas." Sean said.
(As the film starts, Sean and Brian see the current logo for Warner Bros. Pictures)
Brian: (Narrating) Okay, so we're off to a good start. We get our traditional Warner Bros. Pictures logo…
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute. An AOL Time Warner Company. Why are they using the 2003 logo? Shouldn't they use the one from the late 80s to early 90s with the Warner Communications Company byline before Time Warner owned Warner Bros.?
Brian: (Narrating) Actually, this is the special edition DVD that we're looking at. So, they used the 2003 logo instead of the logo that they used in 1989.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so our film opens with an animated sequence played over by that catchy Holiday Road song….
(The song Christmas Vacation performed by Mavis Staples is playing instead of Holiday Road)
Sean: (Narrating) That's not Holiday Road.
"Wait a minute, we get a different song instead of hearing Holiday Road? We had Holiday Road in two films and not this one?" Sean asked.
"Well, Sean. This is a Christmas movie, so they needed a Christmas song to accompany this movie instead of Holiday Road." Brian said.
"Well, it's a good change of pace. I mean, it's no Holiday Road but it's pretty good." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) So we get an animated title sequence for the opening credits done by animator Bill Kroyer. Ah, the 80s. Remember when most movies used animation for opening credits back in the 80s and 90s? Good times.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Santa Claus is making a stop to deliver gifts at the Griswolds house and he's gonna regret making that stop.
(We see an animated Santa getting chased by a rolling snowman's head, getting electrocuted by a broken Christmas light bulb, getting stuck in the chimney and shot in the head by a toy cannonball)
"Instead of ho ho ho, it's ouch ouch ouch." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) So after this wonderfully drawn animated sequence with the second catchiest song in the Vacation series, our tale begins with the Griswolds driving out to the country to find the perfect Christmas tree.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark, once again played by Chevy Chase, gathers his wife Ellen, once again played by Beverly D'Angelo, and their children Rusty and Audrey, who seemed to have growed down since their last family vacation. Audrey is played by Juliette Lewis from Cape Fear and Natural Born Killers and you might recognize Rusty. He's played by a young Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory is shown)
Leonard Hofstadter (Played by Johnny Galecki): What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon Cooper (Played by Jim Parsons): Screwed.
Leonard Hofstadter: There you go.
"Not a bad casting choice. Johnny even uses one of his on-screen dad's gags at one point." Brian said
Brian: (Narrating) Well, it seems like a peaceful drive down the country just to look for the perfect Christmas tree, nothing could go wrong.
(Clark notices a truck riding behind him)
Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): What's the matter?
Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Some jackass is riding my tail.
Ellen Griswold: Slow down and let him pass.
(The truck moves to his side as Clark honks his horn at the driver)
"Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas already." Sean said.
Clark Griswold: Hey, kids, look a deer.
(Ellen, Rusty and Audrey look out the window as Clark sticks up the middle finger at the driver)
"Real mature, Clark. Real mature." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Clark goes up against a hillbilly driver, with Clark showing his driving skills and try not to get his family killed.
Clark Griswold: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold (Played by Johnny Galecki): Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."
Clark Griswold: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
(Clark drives up to the truck driver's side)
Clark Griswold: Eat my road grit, liver lips!
"This can't end well." Sean said.
(Another truck moves up behind him as Clark drives underneath the truck)
Ellen Griswold: Clark, we're stuck under a truck!
Clark Griswold: Do you honestly think I don't know that?
Audrey Griswold (Played by Juliette Lewis): Come on, you guys, don't fight.
Clark Griswold: Ah, for chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose!
"Oh, boy. This is going to be the family's last Christmas." Brian said.
"Let us pray." Sean said.
Ellen Griswold: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.
Clark Griswold: Amen!
(Clark drives out from underneath the semi-truck, almost driving into a snow truck, then drives off-road to avoid hitting the truck, sending the car flying and into a sign reading "Trees")
Clark Griswold: Made pretty good time.
"Wow, it definitely turned into World's Dumbest Drivers and Daredevils in one scene. If this movie turns into World's Dumbest Holidays, then oh boy." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) So, after surviving their latest brush with death, Clark and his family walk out in the cold winter to look for the Griswold family Christmas tree, with Audrey complaining.
Audrey Griswold: My toes are numb./I can't feel my leg./Mom, I can't feel my hips.
Ellen Griswold: Clark.
Clark Griswold: Yes, honey?
Ellen Griswold: Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark Griswold: That's all part of the experience honey.
"Not sure if that's possible." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their long trek, Clark and the family come across the perfect tree for the Griswold family Christmas.
Clark Griswold: Look at it.
Ellen Griswold: It really is beautiful, Clark.
Clark Griswold: It's something else, huh, Russ?
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, dad.
Clark Griswold: Isn't it a beaut, Audrey?
Ellen Griswold: She'll see it later, honey. Her eyes are frozen.
Sean and Brian both begin to chuckle at the little gag.
"Okay, I have to play this clip." Sean said.
(A clip from Suburban Commando plays)
Charlie Wilcox (Played by Christopher Lloyd): Christ! I was frozen today!
"Now, there's a movie I've never heard of." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) With them finding the perfect Christmas tree, I'm sure that Clark has brought some tools to cut the tree down.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, did you bring a saw?
(Clark realizes that he didn't bring any tools to cut the tree down. We see the tree strapped onto the roof of the car after uprooting it)
"Remember kids, always bring a saw to cut down a huge tree to put in your living room, don't act like Clark Griswold." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we cut to a suburban neighborhood where the Griswolds live and we're introduced to their trendy yuppie neighbors Todd and Margo Chester, played by Nicholas Guest from Power Rangers: Time Force and the voice of Luminus in Justice League and Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Seinfeld and Veep.
Margo Chester (Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.
(Clark steps out of his garage wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw)
Todd Chester (Played by Nicholas Guest) Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark Griswold: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd Chester: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
Clark Griswold: I wasn't talking to you.
(Todd looks at Margo after realizing that Clark was talking about her)
"I have better neighbors than that." Brian scoffed.
Brian: (Narrating) After getting the tree in the house and talking to Ellen about their parents coming over for Christmas. The next day is December 14th, and we see that Clark is at his job talking to his co-worker Bill, played by Sam McMurray from Raising Arizona, as they talk about Christmas bonuses.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark is excited about what to do with his big bonus is that he's planning on putting a pool in. Let's hope that his boss, Mr. Shirley played by Brian Doyle-Murray gives it to him.
Frank Shirley (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray): Were you the one that was working on that non-nutritive cereal varnish?
Clark Griswold: Yes, sir.
Frank Shirley: I've got to give a speech to a trade group. I'd like to mention it. Write a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day.
Clark Griswold: My pleasure.
Frank Shirley: Layman's terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.
Clark Griswold: Yes, sir.
Brian: (Narrating) And here we have one of my favorite lines in the movie.
Clark Griswold: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
"That's what I wrote down on the Christmas card that I sent to Taylor's parents last Christmas." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
Mike: (Opening the Christmas card from Sean and Taylor) Hey, Katherine. We got a Christmas card from Sean and Taylor.
Katherine: What does it say, Mike?
(Mike puts his glasses on and reads what it said on the Christmas card)
Mike: What the? That son of a bitch! That little mother…!
(Mike picks up his phone to call his future son-in-law)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Brian: (Narrating) And now, we partake in what everybody does in the holiday season, Christmas shopping as Clark look for something for Ellen when an attractive saleswoman…
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Helloooooooooooo Nurse!
Brian: (Narrating and clears his throat) Right. An attractive saleswoman, played by Nicolette Scorsese, approaches him. And just like the Girl in the Red Ferrari in National Lampoon's Vacation, he turns into a babbling idiot and makes a fool of himself.
Clark Griswold: I was just smelling - - Smiling. I was just blouse – Browsing.
Mary (Played by Nicolette Scorsese) For your wife or your girlfriend?
Clark Griswold: What? What happened?/ I guess it wouldn't be any- - Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter- - Hotter than they are.
"Remind me to go look for some lingerie for Cheryl so an attractive saleswoman approach me." Brian said.
Clark Griswold: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: Well, that's my name.
Clark Griswold: No shit.
(Rusty is walking around the store looking for his dad until he sees him talking to Mary the saleswoman, who's showing him some lingerie)
Mary: These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar. See? You can't see the line.
Clark Griswold: You can't see the line, can you, Russ?
Rusty Griswold: No.
Clark Griswold: No.
(He looks in shock, turning to see Rusty standing next to him)
"Uh, Russ. Don't mention this to your mother. How about I take you to IHOB and get you a burger and fries from there. They have unlimited fries! Wouldn't you like that? It'll be our little secret." Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory episode The Engagement Reaction plays)
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm the king of foreplay.
Sean: (Narrating) After some Christmas shopping, its time for the Griswolds to relax in their home before dealing with the horror what is about to come up soon.
(The doorbell rings. As the sound of the doorbell ringing slowing down, marking the arrival of the in-laws)
(A clip from Die Hard 2 plays)
Officer Al Powell (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): The old in-laws, huh?
Sean: (Narrating) And that's the horror of having a good-old fashioned family Christmas, the arrival of the in-laws.
Clark Griswold: Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.
(Clark's parents and Ellen's parents smile at them)
Brian: (Narrating) We're introduced to Clark and Ellen's parents: Clark Sr., played by the late John Randolph, who played George's father Frank Costanza in the Seinfeld season four episode The Handicap Spot, Nora played by Laura Dern's mother Diane Ladd from David Lynch's Wild at Heart, Art played by the late E.G. Marshall from Oliver Stone's Nixon, My Chauffer and Superman II, and Francis played by the late Doris Roberts from Remington Steele and Everybody Loves Raymond.
"I get along better with Cheryl's brother than with her parents." Brian said.
(With the family getting together and talking to each other)
Francis (Played by the late Doris Roberts): Listen, Doesn't Nora look old?
Ellen Griswold: You promised. You promised. You promised.
Art (Played by the late E.G. Marshall): You know they took a pint of fluid out of my lower back.
Nora (Played by Diane Ladd): Do you see this mole? This mole on my neck?
Clark Griswold: Uh-huh.
Nora: Do you think it's changing color?
Clark Griswold: No. Well you keep touching it, it's getting redder.
Sean: (Narrating) And don't miss this part when Ellen's mother says this line.
Francis: I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?
Ellen Griswold: Oh, mother.
Francis: Isn't that terrible.
"That's Beverly D'Angelo trying her best not to burst out laughing. After watching that scene and hitting the pause button to slow it down, you can see Beverly trying not to laugh." Sean said.
Clark Griswold: This is what Christmas is all about.
Brian: (After dealing with the in-laws arriving, it's time to decorate the house as Clark attempts to cover the exterior of the house with 25,000 twinkle lights so he could have the best-looking house in town.
Rusty Griswold: You think you might be overdoing it, dad?
Clark Griswold: Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything?
"Well, let's see. There's the trip to Walley World and the European vacation. You're forgetting about those two, buddy boy." Sean said. "And putting up about 25,000 lights on your house is definitely overdoing it."
Margo Chester: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd Chester: I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck.
Brian: (V/O as Todd Chester) Or blow something up.
Sean: (Narrating) While Clark attempts to put the Christmas lights up on the house while trying not to get himself killed and causing some damage, Audrey freaks out about the sleeping arrangements.
Audrey Griswold: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is, mom?
Ellen Griswold: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Audrey Griswold: I have nightmares about what he does alone in his bed when I'm not lying right next to him.
"Does that mean dreaming about a sexy hot blonde who's lives across the hall from him who became his girlfriend and married him later?" Brian asked as a season four promotional photo of The Big Bang Theory with Leonard and Penny pops up.
Brian: (Narrating) And now it's time for the annual lighting of the Griswold house as Clark, his family and their parents stand outside to see Clark successfully turning on the Christmas lights.
Clark Griswold: Two hundred and fifty strands of light, 100 individual bulbs per strand for a grand total of 25, 000 imported Italian twinkle lights.
Rusty Griswold: Fire it up, dad!
"Drum roll, please." Sean said as him and Brian make a drum roll sound.
(Clark's family and their parents make a drum roll sound and Clark as well)
Clark Griswold: (Singing) Joy to the world!
(Clark plugs in the lights, unsuccessfully turning on the lights)
"You're a phony! Hey, this guy's a great big phony!" Brian exclaimed.
(Francis laughs and burps)
Art: Beautiful, Clark.
Francis: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
"Boy, Ellen's parents are complete assholes. That's my biggest complaint about the movie. Ellen's parents can be so cruel to Clark. I mean, he worked his heart out to put the lights on the house. Not to mention almost killing himself and causing some property damage but be nice to the poor guy." Sean said.
"In-laws, right?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark stays up all night to check each bulb to see what went wrong while the family is sleeping peacefully, unlike some people.
(Art is sleeping on the top bunk, with a smile on his face, looking at a poster of a bikini-clad woman)
"Okay, can you imagine if he was looking at a poster of Penny from The Big Bang Theory hanging up on the ceiling?" Brian asked.
(The scene plays but with Art looking at a poster of Penny from The Big Bang Theory hanging on the ceiling)
Sean shudders in disgust while Brian tries not to throw up.
Brian: (Narrating) The next morning, while the family is away to go out for lunch and do some shopping, Clark heads to the attic to hide the presents then gets trapped in the attic.
Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say, I love this scene because it shows some of the finest physical comedy gags ever.
(We see Clark bashing his head on the boards every time he turns around)
Brian: (Narrating) While he's inside the attic, we see Clark partaking in watching some old home movies of Clark's family Christmas from when he was a child.
(Clark is watching an old home movie from when he was a kid back in 1955 and gets teary eyed. Ellen and the family returns and enters the house as Ellen heads to the attic to put the Christmas gifts up, pulling the attic stairs down as Clark falls down)
"Ouch. That holiday cheer must be painful for Clark." Brian said.
Sean: (Later) Clark is outside working on the lights some more while Ellen joins him and to check up on Sparky to make sure he doesn't electrocute himself like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor from Home Improvement.
Ellen Griswold: Is it plugged in?
Clark Griswold: Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of tiny little lights if I wasn't sure if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?
Ellen Griswold: You used more than one cord, didn't you?
"Geez, she sound like Taylor every time I put the lights up on the house." Sean said as the short-haired blonde entered the office.
"I just want to make sure that you don't kill yourself. Remember back in 2016 when I drove to the emergency room?" Taylor asked.
"Oy, you mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it." Sean said as Brian laughs.
"I hope you don't set the roof on fire like last year." Taylor said.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark checks the cords to the lights to see if their plugged in alright, as we cut Clark's garage as she flicks on the switch to turn the light on and lo and behold.
(We see that the Christmas lights on the Griswold house are turned on, blinding Todd and Margo)
Sean and Brian are both seen wearing sunglasses to protect their eyes to make sure that they don't go blind.
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, this is going to be one huge power bill, causing all the power in the neighborhood and throughout Chicago to go out and they have someone to turn on the auxiliary power to power up the whole neighborhood.
Brian: (Narrating) Clark's mom turns off the lights as Ellen enters the house while Clark messes with the plug some more. Ellen flicks on the light in the garage and the lights come back on again.
Clark Griswold: Ellen, I fixed it!
(The whole family comes outside to check it out as Ellen turns the lights off, next we see Clark freaking out)
Clark Griswold: What the hell? What is wrong with this? Damn it! Damn it!
(Clark starts kicking the Christmas decorations)
Clark Griswold: You goddamn light!
(Clark punches the Santa decoration on the yard)
"Dude, calm down! It's just lights." Sean said.
"Can somebody give this man a Tylenol?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Ellen realizes that the only to turn on the lights on the house is by flicking the little light switch again and…
(The song Hallelujah plays while Clark sees his lights coming on)
Rusty Griswold: Dad, it's beautiful!
"What if a plane lands on their yard mistaking it as an airport runway?" Sean asked. "It'll be a hell of a way to get through a winter storm."
Brian: (Narrating) After seeing his masterpiece shining brightly before him, Clark hugs his family, his parents and his in-laws sheer happiness, that is until an unexpected visitor arrives.
Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): The house sure does look swell, Clark.
Clark Griswold: Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Catherine. Eddie?
"Wait a minute, where the hell did Eddie come from? Was he just parked in front of the house while watching Clark having a meltdown about the lights?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Cousin Eddie, played by Randy Quaid before he went nutty, is back. Along with his wife Catherine, played by Miriam Flynn. And they brought their two children with them Vicki and Dale…
(Sean sees two little kids running out of the R.V. along with a dog)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, that's not Vicki and Dale. Unless they growed down like Rusty and Audrey. Actually, those two kids are not Vicki and Dale, they're Rocky and Ruby Sue. The most hillbilly names ever in the world.
Brian: (Narrating) Rocky is played by Cody Burger from Disney's Heavyweights with Ben Stiller. And you might recognize little Ruby Sue. If you don't recognize Ruby Sue, then maybe this clip will refresh your memory.
(A clip from Fatal Attraction plays)
Ellen Gallagher (Played by Ellen Hamilton Latzen): Mommy!
Dan Gallagher (Played by Michael Douglas): What?
(Beth sees Ellen's bunny rabbit in the pot of boiling water and screams)
Ellen Gallagher: Bunny's gone!
Sean: (Narrating) That's right. That's Ellen Hamilton Latzen, who you might recognize her as Michael Douglas and Anne Archer's daughter in Fatal Attraction. She plays Ruby Sue.
Francis: Oh, my gosh. Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
Cousin Eddie: That's something, ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.
We then cut to Sean and Brian with a confused look on their faces.
"How the fuck is that even possible?" Brian asked.
Cousin Eddie: I don't know.
Brian: (Narrating) So, after Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine arrive with their kids and Snots the dog unannounced, Eddie tells Clark about what's going on in life, with the older kids and him buying the RV from a friend of his after giving his home to him. Yeah, right. And the next day is December 18th as Clark delivers a gift to his boss and doesn't ask him about his raise.
Sean: (Narrating) Then after that, Clark takes his kids, Cousin Eddie and his kids sledding as he tries out his new silicon-based kitchen lubricant to make his sled more slippery. Uh, is that not safe?
Rusty Griswold: Has anyone ever used it on a sled?
Clark Griswold: Not that I know of, Russ.
(A clip from The Big Bang Theory episode The Middle-Earth Paradigm plays)
Penny (Played by Kaley Cuoco): Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because if all guys were like me the human race couldn't survive.
"Oh, this sounds safe….NOT!" Brian exclaimed.
Brian: (Narrating) Do you think that the children would want to kill themselves with that stuff on their sleds? Do you think that Cousin Eddie is dumb enough to try something out, I mean the poor guy has a metal plate in his head. Dude, you're about to turn into the World's Dumbest Thrillseeker in 3…2…1.
(Clark sleds down the hill in lighting-fast speed)
Clark Griswold: (Yells) Oh, shit!
"And he's off!" Sean said in his race announcer voice.
Brian: (V/O as Clark while sledding) I am out of control!
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, he's going so fast, God forbid he ends up passing by somewhere.
Sean and Brian are just sitting behind the desk as Clark Griswold crashes through his wall and sleds through Sean's house.
"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed. "That clumsy idiot put a hole through my wall! That's it, I hope something bad happens to him!"
(Clark crashes into Santa's mailbox)
Cousin Eddie: Bingo.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Clark is seen stuck in the mailbox as things start falling out)
Brian: (As Clark) Ooh, coupons!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Brian: (Narrating) The next day is December 21st, and with only four days left till Christmas Clark begins to worry about his Christmas bonus.
Clark Griswold: Bill, did you get your bonus yet?
Bill (Played by Sam McMurray): I just talked to my son. Um, company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it. Nothing like waiting till the last minute, huh? Did you get yours? Well, if it isn't at the house, I'm sure it's on its way.
Clark Griswold: If I don't get that bonus, I'm in it up to here.
Bill: Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas.
Clark Griswold: Same to you.
"Wait a minute, how come Supervisor O'Boyle from The King of Queens got his Christmas bonus before Chevy Chase? He's not that special. The dude was known for getting his ass beat by Nicolas Cage in Raising Arizona." Sean said. "And guest starring in a couple of episodes of The Fosters, voicing characters in Hey Arnold! and The Simpsons and starring in The Tracey Ullman Show with Simpson stars Dan Castellaneta and Julie Kavner. And what does Chevy Chase have?"
(Posters of Nothing But Trouble, Caddyshack II, Fletch Lives, Cops and Robbersons, Vegas Vacation, Snow Day, Law & Order and The Chevy Chase Show pop up)
"Oh, Christ. Okay, Fletch Lives was a better sequel than Caddyshack II. I definitely enjoyed that movie." Sean said.
"Oh, he was in Law and Order in an episode that parodied that whole Mel Gibson thing. Not bad, but dude stick to comedy." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark has a fantasy about what it would be like to have a pool in his backyard.
(Clark has a fantasy about having a pool in the backyard with his family in it as Bing Crosby's Mele Kalikimaka plays. Clark then sees Cousin Eddie appearing in the fantasy)
"Oh, Jesus." Brian said.
"Can somebody get this fucking looney out of this fantasy? He's ruining it!" Sean exclaimed.
(A beautiful woman wearing a red swimsuit appears in the fantasy)
"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both said.
(Clark becomes tantalized by the hot pool girl in the fantasy as she starts stripping out of her swimsuit)
"I love you." Brian said to the pool girl.
(The pool girl kicks off her swimsuit)
The pool girl's swimsuit lands on Sean's desk as Sean and Brian both look down at it and look up at each other as they start fighting over it and beating each other up with it.
Ruby Sue (Played by Ellen Hamilton Latzen): Santy Claus!
(Clark gasps)
Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus.
Sean and Brian stop fighting as Sean grabs the pool girl's red swimsuit.
"I got it! Where the hell's the girl?" Sean asked.
"Alright, that's it!" Brian yelled out in his Pesto voice before beating up Sean in an Animaniacs-style Goodfeathers fight.
"Hey, come on! I saw it first!" Sean yelled.
"You want a red swimsuit? Here! Here's your red swimsuit!" Brian yelled out while beating up Sean.
Brian: (Narrating) Ruby Sue talks to her Uncle Clark about Santa Claus and she's worried that Santa Claus won't be getting her and Rocky any gifts and Clark tries to cheer her up that Santa will bring her and her family something.
Ruby Sue: Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull. If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year? We didn't do nothing wrong and we still got the shaft.
"Maybe because Santa found out that a psychotic Glenn Close boiled your bunny rabbit." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark lifts up Ruby Sue's spirits by telling her that Santa Claus is real and in the next couple of days he'll prove it to her and that he's seen him. Try not to get her hopes up, pal. The next day, Clark is about to enjoy a nice breakfast but instead he comes down to see his family bickering around the dining room table. Well, nothing can ruin his morning, except if you're Randy Quaid.
Cousin Eddie: (While emptying out his RV toilet in the storm sewer) Shitter was full!
"Hey, that's Randy Quaid's career in a nutshell." Sean laughs.
"Nice thing to see while having your morning coffee." Brian said.
Cousin Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
(Todd runs back inside)
"Good idea, run." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Ellen tells Clark that she's worried that Catherine and Eddie don't have any presents for their kids, so Clark talks to Eddie and Eddie reveals to Clark that he didn't buy the RV from a friend and that the RV's his because he sold his house, the barn. So, Clark decides to give Eddie and his family a nice Christmas. What a saint. So then, December 24th comes.
Sean: (Narrating) 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Griswold house. Not a creature was stirring…not even a Rottweiler. Clark and Rusty arrive at the house with Uncle Lewis, played by the late William Hickey from Prizzi's Honor and as the voice of Dr. Finklestein in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. And Aunt Bethany played by the late Mae Questel, who's known for voicing Betty Boop and Olive Oyl in Popeye and in the same year before she appeared in Christmas Vacation, she played Woody Allen's possessive mother in the third segment of the movie New York Stories.
Aunt Bethany (Played by the late Mae Questel): Oh, that was fun. I love riding in cars. When did you move to Florida?
(Uncle Lewis takes off his hat and his toupee at the same time, revealing his bald head)
Sean: (V/O) Wow, when did William Hickey afford to put a dead ferret on his head?
Brian: (Narrating) We find out that Bethany is a bit, well…
Ellen Griswold: Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis (Played by the late William Hickey): Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
(We see that Aunt Bethany wrapped up her cat after Clark shakes the box and heard the cat meowing)
Clark Griswold: She wrapped up her damn cat.
Rusty Griswold: Why would somebody wrap up a cat in a box?
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur." Sean said.
"Wow, a cat for a Christmas gift." Brian said, sipping his can of Coke.
Sean: (Narrating) With the family all here, it's time for the perfect Christmas dinner with everybody gathered together. But first, it's time for Aunt Bethany to say grace.
Aunt Bethany: What dear?
Nora: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say grace.
(Aunt Bethany shakes her head)
Uncle Lewis: The blessing.
Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.
"Uh, I'd rather gone for "God is great, God is good and we thank you for our food. Amen." But this, oh brother. I know she's old but…wow." Sean said.
"Well, let's hope that the dinner goes well." Brian said.
(As Clark prepares to carve the turkey, the turkey explodes)
Cousin Catherine (Played by Miriam Flynn): (Cries) Sorry.
Cousin Eddie: Why are you crying?
Cousin Catherine: I told you we put it in too early.
Clark Griswold: Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine.
Ellen Griswold: It looks good to me.
Clark Griswold: Here's the heart.
"Jesus, Catherine. You should've basted the turkey. That way your turkey should stay moist and juicy. Haven't you learned from cooking shows?" Brian said. "And don't get me wrong, I love turkey but I prefer a nice cut of beef roast."
Brian: (Narrating) With everyone enjoying their Christmas dinner, Aunt Bethany's cat messes with the lights on the tree. Clark sees that the lights were off, he plugs in the lights and….
(The cat gets electrocuted)
"And that's the second time an animal gets killed by Clark Griswold. Geez, movie. You're making Clark a hater of animals. Guess he's seen the movie Felidae." Brian said.
(Clark and Eddie move the chair and see the fried cat)
Cousin Eddie: If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.
(Cousin Eddie laughs)
(A clip from Goldfinger plays)
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.
Sean: (Narrating) With a fried cat and a Christmas dinner gone wrong, nothing can possibly go…
(Uncle Lewis lights a cigar and sets the tree on fire as Clark walks in and sees the aftermath)
Clark Griswold: Lewis? My tree.
Uncle Lewis: So, what's the matter with you?
Clark Griswold: Look what you've done to my tree!
"Damn it, old man! If the emphysema and bronchitis don't take your life later on in '97, then I will! Tim Burton and Henry Selick won't put you in The Nightmare Before Christmas. You won't be able to star in Mouse Hunt!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Clark Griswold.
"Crazy old fool!" Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Poor Clark. With a disastrous Christmas dinner, a fried cat and his ferret-wearing uncle torching the Christmas tree, this guy needs a break. Which reminds me, where the hell is his Christmas bonus? He was supposed to be getting his Christmas bonus! Is his boss trying to screw with him?
Delivery Boy (Played by Keith MacKechnie): I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday but it fell in between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
(He hands Clark his mail)
Delivery Boy: Merry Christmas.
(Clark closes his door)
Clark Griswold: Merry Christmas.
"You're in luck. It could be his Christmas bonus after what he's been through, this guy deserves it. So, did he get his bonus?" Sean asked.
Clark Griswold: (After opening the envelope) It's a one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.
Ellen Griswold: Oh, God.
Cousin Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
"Huh?" Brian asked.
"A one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? What kind of bullshit is this?! What kind of boss is he?! I'll tell you what he is, he's an asshole!" Sean yelled out.
(A clip from Back to the Future Part III plays)
Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!
"What a fucking Scrooge!" Brian exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) This doesn't go well for Clark as he has a few choice words to say to his boss in one of the funniest rants ever.
Clark Griswold: I wanna look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
Brian: (Narrating) Oh, and to top it all off, Clark goes insane and wields a chainsaw.
Ellen Griswold: Turn that thing off and get in the house!
Rusty Griswold: I'll talk to him, mom.
(John Cena pops up from the background)
John Cena: Are you sure about that?
Rusty Griswold: You know, dad. I've been thinking.
(A crazed Clark looks at Rusty and stays silent)
"Yo, Rusty. If you want to live to see Penny naked for the rest of your life, leave that man alone." Sean said.
Rusty Griswold: Good talk, dad.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark cuts down a tree in his yard and breaks Todd and Margo's window. Then just when things begin to calm down, a squirrel is loose around the house as everybody panics in the most hilarious scene and to top it off Cousin Eddie's dog Snots starts chasing the squirrel around the house and destroys everything.
(We see Snots chasing the squirrel around the house and destroying everything)
Brian: (Narrating) While all this is going on, Todd and Margo have enough of Clark's antics as Margo walks up to the door to give Clark a piece of his mind, but instead the squirrel jumps at her and Snots attacks her and then a pissed off Margo gives Todd a piece of her mind.
Todd Chester: Oh, my God! What happened to you?
(Margo slugs Todd in the face)
"I guess Todd wasn't spongeworthy." Sean said, referencing the Seinfeld season seven episode The Sponge.
Sean: (Narrating) With the house in shambles and the night ruined, it's time for everyone to go home but instead Clark becomes his looney, obsessed self when he wants everyone to stay.
Clark Griswold: No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.
"Dude, watch the potty mouth here! You just said the queen mother of dirty words! Who do you think you are Ralphie from A Christmas Story? This is a PG-film. A family picture. Well, it's PG-13 but still watch the language, mister! This ain't Springer! This is the Mayhem Critic, we're very classy around here." Sean said.
(We get a montage of Sean cursing on his reviews)
"You were saying?" Brian asked as Sean glares at him.
"Shut the fuck up, Brian." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) While Clark is trying to calm down from his meltdown, his father tries to give him some words of wisdom.
Clark Sr. (Played by the late John Randolph): You losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse and you're too good a father to act like this. In years to come, you'll want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.
Clark Griswold: Well, I just…
Clark Sr.: You just cocked it up. Oh, it's okay. It happens.
Clark Griswold: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
"So, I guess they're family vacations were also a mess as well? Guess it runs in the family." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that father-son chat, it's time for Clark to recite The Night Before Christmas, until Cousin Eddie gives him and early Christmas gift.
(Cousin Eddie enters the house with Clark's boss)
Cousin Eddie: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Clark. You about ready to do some kissing?
"He kidnapped his boss?! How the hell did he have time to conduct a kidnapping?" Sean asked.
"You know for a guy who's not that bright like Trip Windsor from American Housewife, the man is a genius." Brian said.
"Agreed." Sean said.
Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.
Ellen Griswold: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
"Uh, no it wasn't. From what I recall in Vacation '83, your family kidnapped security guard John Candy while your husband was holding him at gunpoint with a BB gun and you took him on the rides with you. Technically, this is your family's second kidnapping." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Mr. Shirley becomes furious at Clark fires him as Clark confronts him about cancelling Christmas bonuses. Then everyone in the family supports Clark against his boss. And his father-in-law, his own father-in-law is the first to stand up and support him. The same guy who complains a lot and makes fun of him. This is a big emotional moment and with a change of heart, Mr. Shirley does this.
Frank Shirley: So, Carl. Whatever you got last year add 20 percent.
(Everyone gasps as Clark faints)
"IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Shirley's wife, Helen, played by Natalia Nogulich, calls the police as Chicago P.D. arrive and a SWAT team storms the house!
"Sound like a regular Archer family Christmas." Sean said. "Oh, and that's the second time that a SWAT team tries to arrest the Griswolds."
Sean: (V/O) Boy, a lot of stuff is happening. And there is something that I noticed when I watched the DVD that Cousin Catherine is trying to block her husband like a human shield and Ellen is protecting Clark's balls.
Brian: (V/O) I guess she's seen RoboCop and don't want that most important part of Clark's shot off.
"Oh, yeah. Real family Christmas." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) As the cops try to arrest the family, Mr. Shirley decides not to press charges and explains the situation as his wife and the authorities scold him for scrapping Christmas bonuses and he decides to reinstate them. But what do Rocky and Ruby Sue's wandering eyes spot.
Ruby Sue: It's Santa Claus.
Clark Griswold: No, it's the Christmas star. And that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.
Uncle Lewis: (While lighting his cigar) That ain't the frigging Christmas star, Gris. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant.
Clark Griswold: Sewer gas.
(Clark sees Uncle Lewis about to drop the match)
Clark Griswold: Don't drop that!
(The spark from the match triggers the explosion)
"Damn! Uncle Lewis lived. He'll live to see another Christmas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aunt Bethany stats singing The Star-Spangled Banner and the whole family and SWAT team joining in while gazing at Clark's Santa Claus and reindeer lawn ornament set on fire and flying into the distance. So, the family celebrate Christmas in the house with the SWAT team joining them as Clark and Ellen share a Christmas kiss. From the night almost turning into a complete disaster, it wasn't that perfect but it was the best family Christmas ever.
Clark Griswold: I did it.
Sean: (Narrating) The End.
"And that was National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. We love it." Sean said.
(Footage from Christmas Vacation start playing)
Brian: (Narrating) Since it's release in 1989, the movie has been labeled as a modern Christmas classic and the movie gained a cult following. It is considered one of the best Christmas movies ever.
Sean: (Narrating) What I like about this movie was that John Hughes-charm, kinda like Home Alone, which was released a year later after this movie's release. With it's hilarious script and funny dialogue with a talented cast of characters filled with big named stars who went on to do other shows and movies. The biggest praise I give the film would be John Hughes' writing and the acting and humor as well. They tend to show this movie every year during the holiday season and they show it every time on Freeform, like every single day. I know it's a good movie but no need to keep showing it everyday.
Brian: (Narrating) This is considered to be the best out of the Vacation film series. The perfect Christmas movie to watch with memorable line and catchy theme song with a lot of humor and a talented cast of characters.
Sean: (Narrating) If you haven't seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, then go check it out. Yule won't be disappointed. That's why National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is getting 5 torched Christmas trees out of 5.
"Well, after this movie's release and how popular it is, there's no way that they could ruin it with a made-for-TV sequel where they have one of the characters from the series and…." Sean said.
(A poster of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure is shown)
Sean stays silent for a bit as Brian looks at him for a bit.
"Good luck." Brian said as he leaves Sean's office.
"Oh, dear. I'm going to need some alcohol to get through this movie. And I'm not looking forward to it." Sean said. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and this is gonna suck."
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Hallelujah! Holy shit!
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I hope you all enjoyed reading this review of a classic Christmas movie. Tune in next time when The Summer of Vacation continues when Sean takes a look at the most unnecessary sequel to Christmas Vacation, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure. Will Sean survive this disaster of a Christmas movie? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.